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Sunday, 15 July

23:30

Local Audience Member Stunned to Be Part of Best Crowd Ever The Hard Times

WICHITA, Kan. Local student Adam Irving was stunned to learn last Tuesday that Brick Teeth frontman Kevin Gillion had awarded the audience a coveted Best Crowd Ever distinction during their show, excited sources confirmed.

Speaking from the stage mid-performance, Gillion announced the victory to the largely unresponsive attendees, including a star-struck Irving.

This is my first ever gig, and Im part of the best crowd ever. I mean, were making history here I cant believe my luck! said Irving, a 16-year-old who was dropped off at the show by his mother. I was way surprised the band thought our stock was so good, you know? There are tons of people chatting, and all the older dudes by the bar arent really paying attention. Im not sure how other crowds normally act, but I love that we are the best.

Irving confirmed he bought two t-shirts and a cassette demo from the merch table to commemorate the moment.

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I had to get something from this show. I dont even have a tape player in the house, but you gotta get a souvenir to show people, said Irving. Does anyone know if the Guinness World Records people showed up at any point? They need to know what happened here tonight.

Gillion later explained why he anointed the half-capacity crowd as the best ever.

This is one of the last shows on the tour, and Im a little tired. So I just busted out all the standard on-stage banter, said Gillion. I dont even remember saying they were the best ever. I do know two guys starting fighting halfway through the set that was really the only thing that set this crowd apart from the countless others.

However, when Irving later informed a friend of the award, Irving was shocked by his friends response.

My friend Joe texted back, saying the band he went to see across town said the same thing to their crowd tonight, said Irving. So Im heading over there with my mom right now to punch that lying prick in the junk.

Photo by Kat Chish.

The post Local Audience Member Stunned to Be Part of Best...

22:00

English FA admit to long-term usage of performance-inhibiting drugs NewsBiscuit

Hot on the heels of the Russian doping scandal, the English FA have finally confessed to using performance inhibiters on the national side. In an admission confirming what the majority of England fans have long suspected, details of a long term self-handicapping regime have emerged stretching back nearly 50 years; a plan dedicated at taking the most graceful and elegant ball-players in the English game and turning them into leaden, ballistophobic oxen with four left feet.

The initial euphoria of the win in 1966 quickly wore off admitted an FA spokesman, speaking from their North London test facility, but we realised that the genie was out of the bottle. We would never again be able to live up to this performance and level of expectation. It would be unfair to the squad, manager and training staff to labour under this irksome burden.

It was then that the FA looked to a number of pharmaceutical companies, offering up the team as a test bed for chemical cocktails aimed at underachieving. An initial deal was brokered, but almost scuppered in 1970 by the teams unwillingness to conform. God bless those Brazilians, saved us a huge embarrassment, not to mention the large wad of cash we wouldve had to give back joked the spokesman. Since then there have been more stringent rules and regulations in place, but there have been been occasional blips where managers have taken it upon themselves to suspend the programme.

Yes, Italia 1990, that was a right debacle : we had to do some real fire-fighting there, and the transgressors dealt with to the full extend of FA Law. Why do you think Robson aged so badly afterwards, eh ?

As with any comparative test , you would expect there to be a placebo group to act as a control for validation purposes : and every now and then, we drop a couple of them into the squad, just as proof of concept, the spokesman continued. Next match you watch, try and work out whether that plodding, ungainly dobbin is just natural talentlessness or chemically induced. Its fascinating. Oh   and theyll lose 2-1 anyway.

The drugs scandal could see England banned from going to the 2018 World Cup.  Although a FIFA spokesman commented Or we could just let them play all their qualifiers as usual. The end result will be the same.

 

 

 

FlashArry

21:00

Home Office admin error means England Flag wont be racist again until Wednesday NewsBiscuit

Home Secretary Sajid Javid wont be able to make the English Flag fully racist until Wednesday 18th of July he admitted in a written question this week. The St. Georges flag, which was scheduled to return to being fully racist after yesterdays Third Place play-off football match between Belguim and England, has been the victim of a human error in which it erroneously  became the focal point for a spirit of optimism, national unity and good sportsmanship.  The Home Secretary apologised for the error and said that normal service should be resumed by the middle of this week. This means that members of the public who believe Tommy Robinson was fairly jailed, can still display the flag until approximately midday Wednesday the 18th of July without fear of being presumed to be racist psychos, white supremacists or worse, being blamed for Brexit.

 

oblongscone

18:14

Nigel Farage shared an obviously faked far right photo and the responses are all youd hope for The Poke

Nigel Farage here proving what a great analytical mind he has by sharing an obviously faked far right photo on Twitter.

The once and future UKIP leader deleted it after he eventually realised it was fake and had this to say.

And here are our favourite responses online.

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17:28

Simply 47 of the best Donald Trump protest signs during his first presidential UK visit The Poke

Not long to go now until the so-called president leaves the so-called UK and its been everything we could have hoped for and more.

Not least the always inventive protest signs that greeted Donald Trump on his first presidential visit to the UK. Here are 47 of the very best.

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17:14

World Cup finalists dubbed into EastEnders is unintentionally hilarious The Poke

One of the reasons EastEnders has been at the top of its game for so long is how it manages to seamlessly incorporate topical world events into the show even though its recorded several weeks in advance.

Like this, for instance, as pointed out by the great Matt Berry on Twitter.

We could watch that for the full 90 minutes of todays final and still not get bored of it.

Source

The post World Cup finalists dubbed into EastEnders is unintentionally hilarious appeared first on The Poke.

16:55

Someone shared the Sunday Times World Cup souvenir that never was and it will give you feelings The Poke

Heres the Sunday Times Ben Preston giving us a tiny glimpse into the sort of thing we could expect today if Englands game against Croatia had ended differently.

Theres something about this that just, well, were with this guy.

Source

The post...

12:49

Trump Boasting To Queen About How Much Property He Owns The Shovel

Referring to himself as property royalty, Donald Trump offered to give the Queen a free lesson in wealth accumulation, as the two walked through the 13 acre Windsor Castle estate yesterday.

I own eight buildings in New York and a golf course in Scotland, the US President said, asking the Queen if shed ever been to Scotland before.

And you should see my apartment. Its huge. Really big, he said, adding that since he became President it had been staffed by a permanent security team out the front.

The Queen later broke with royal protocol, referring to Trump as a massive twat.

08:55

Couple in critical condition after being exposed to pure Brexit NewsBiscuit

A man and woman found unconscious in Wiltshire may have come into contact with, what chemists are describing as a compound made from Voldemorts nose, Freddy Kruegers finger nails and Nigel Farages bile duct. The noxious substance is so deadly that it could destroy all life as we know it, or for the residents of Slough be a welcome relief.

Home Office figures suggest that 52% of UK citizens have dabbled with soft Brexit for recreational purposes or simply out of peer pressure that peer being Peter Lilley. Equally so, many casual users attest to experiencing mild hallucinations such as, the British economy will be fine, that nobody is racist or that David Davis knows what hes doing.

A police spokeswoman said: Leave campaigners talk about using the Hard stuff, but this is pure, un-cut Brexit. Even in its smallest doses it can flatten a city or bring Jacob Rees-Mogg to orgasm. This substance was 100% proof, which is 100% more proof than Boris Johnson uses in his press releases.

Quite how they came into contact is unsure; as up until now a Brexit this extreme has always been sealed in chemical weapons facilities or the wet dreams of Michael Gove. Police are advising local residents to report any toxic materials, or just publish them under the name Katie Hopkins.

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Saturday, 14 July

23:30

Bidet In Venue Bathroom Turns Out To Be Broken Sink The Hard Times

TAMPA, Fla. Local show-goer Tommy Gill was informed by irate staff at Fitzies Pub last night that the item he used as a bidet earlier that evening was actually just a broken sink, shocked eyewitnesses confirmed.

I saw the whole thing. It was pretty bizarre, bathroom user and onlooker Jorge Gonzalez said. He got done using the urinal, walked over to the sink, and just looked at it for a good 20 seconds. Then he dropped trou, threw his ass on the faucet, and let the water spray it for another 15 seconds or so. The water pressure did seem pretty strong, though, so I bet it actually made for a decent ass cleaning.

The sink in question is just one of many repairs desperately needed by the venue, according to bartender Clarissa Metowski.

Yeah, I was behind the bar, but since the bathroom here hasnt had a door since, like, 2015, I unfortunately saw everything, she explained. To be fair, that sink wont shut off and sprays water all over the place but the pinball machines still got puke on it from two weeks ago, too. Frankly, Im not sure why anyone would assume this place would have something like that.

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Some patrons witnessed the ordeal, too many of whom uploaded videos to social media, and all of whom were equally confused by Gills logic.

The weirdest part of it all to me was that hed just used the urinal to piss, but he still felt the need to wash his ass in what was clearly just a broken sink. I mean, there were empties in there, eyewitness Dev Vaughn said. Plus, Im not from France or anything, but I dont think bidets have soap dispensers connected to them and little mirrors on top, right?

However, Gill remained assured in his decision.

That wasnt a bidet? he asked rhetorically. Yeah, right. And let me guess that wasnt a bathroom attendant, either, who helped me use it and I gave $10 to afterwards? Nice try, dumbass.

The post Bidet In Venue Bathroom Turns Out To Be Broken Sink appeared first on The Hard Times.

22:41

TV Set Killed Man TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Police in Fort Lauderdale say the death of a man in his seventies was caused by his TV set, and have charged the appliance with homicide. The man, Gordon Binfield, 74, had lived alone since his wife died in 1983, and, having few friends, rarely l...

21:30

Huge inflatable baby seen flapping above London actually Boris Johnson NewsBiscuit

UK celebrations to welcome Donald Trump have been declared an absolute triumph after placard-wielding POTUS enthusiasts filled the streets of London and a human Blimp tethered to a broken zip-wire topped all of his previous attempts at attention-seeking.

Hospitality Balloon Advisor Quentin Thomas explained. There had been some misunderstandings about the Blimp. This was a mock-up balloon for the rehearsals mistaken for a Trump parody when it was supposed to be a lovely surprise response to Donalds express wish to meet with good friend Boris rather than that awful Mrs May.

Foreign Office officials admitted the plan was nearly de-railed by Boris resigning this week. We simply lassoed Boris as he flounced out of office, clipped him to a broken zip-wire and he was aloft faster than we hoped. We didnt even have to stick that hose of helium up his arse. He was buoyed up on hot-air and hubris, fired by his naked ambition.

Contrary to mistaken reporting, it transpires the UK couldnt be happier to make Trump feel welcome. Blenheim Palace staff have ensured all the bathroom toiletries are in tiny hotel bottles perfect for his presidential hands. The Household Cavalry brass band played contemporary tunes including the new chart-topping number by Green Day.

Crowds of jubilant well-wishers protested the werent protesting, but demonstrating how impressed they are by the President and his opinions. The British love an underdog and we new how disappointed Trump was when hardly anyone went to his inauguration. So sad. So we were determined to make the effort to make up the numbers. Our placards and booing are how we make free speech great again.

21:00

OAPs Barry and Gladys show Love Island how its really done NewsBiscuit

Septuagenarians Barry Pollock and Gladys Jennings are rapidly adjusting to national stardom after their pub chat, overheard by ITV 2 Producer, Gareth Green, inspired what has become a runaway Summer TV juggernaut.

Says Green: The idea for The Love Pub came to me in a flash when I just happened to be in their local and I heard Barry and Glads mix of utter bollocks and Ill-informed xenophobic rubbish. I thought what about if I fund them seven days a week to drink and chat in the back bar and film it all and see what happens. Itll be TV gold. And my intuition has proven well founded. Its surpassed all expectations and has made Love Island look like the One Show.

Last night over 10.7 million viewers watched the season finale in total astonishment as after hammering down milk stouts and light and bitters all evening, the pair went out into the car park and had  what Barry called a knee trembler over behind the skips. Both emerged ten minutes later with Barry doing up his flies and Gladys zipping up her anorak.

Plans are now afoot to increase numbers for next year and fly them both along with four each of their friends out to Mallorca where they will live in a holiday care home for eight weeks.

We cant wait to see what an extended format with endless sun, sand and sangria will produce, says a delighted Green. Just so long as they dont die in the meantime.

19:00

Someone translated the Daily Mails Trump front page and its perfect The Poke

People couldnt believe the Daily Mails front page take on Donald Trumps visit to the UK today.

Fortunately for us the totally terrific @TechnicallyRon has translated it for us and its perfect.

And just in case thats tricky to read.

Today hundreds of thousands of people came together to chant FUCK YOU at the racist, sexist, white supremacist supporting, Britain bashing bigoted paedophile endorsing representation of everything wrong in the world. And it was fucking brilliant, and because it went well, we are so pissed.

We like the racist president because he is racist and we are racist so its pretty sweet that his evil rhetoric justifies our evil rhetoric. Its just not fair that we cant be racist anymore without everyone calling us racist, we are so used to people not calling us out for being bigots that its not fair really. Donald Trump is the perfect representation of everything that is wrong with the world and the vile lying hateful bastard is an inspiration for all absolute bellends everywhere.

Oh also this guy was there and we dont like this guy so we are going to make it all about him because that is how shit journalism works. Its propaganda lads, there is no actual merit to any of this, we are literally just filled with hate because our boss told us we were.

Dont forget to follow @TechnicallyRon here.

READ MORE

People cant believe the Daily Mails Trump front page our favourite 17 responses

The post...

18:41

People cant believe the Daily Mails Trump front page our favourite 17 responses The Poke

Heres the Daily Mails front page take on Donald Trumps visit to the UK and the mass protests that greeted the arrival of the so-called president.

Well, its one take on it. Just not the take that appears to be shared by everyone else. Here are our favourite 17 responses online.

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18:17

Donald Trump ignored the Queen and these are our favourite 9 responses The Poke

Donald Trump met the Queen at Windsor but not only did the so-called president not have any idea about royal protocol, he appeared to forget how to put one foot in front of the other.

Seriously, have a look for yourself, along with our favourite 9 responses online.

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15:20

Novelty Of Winter Soup At Local Cafe Wearing Pretty Thin By Now The Betoota Advocate

Continuing the proud Australian tradition of being completely inept at handling cold weather, local cafes are continuing to serve novel cups of soup to chilly customers, despite the fact that halfway through July, its wearing pretty thin by now. Every June, anxious caffeine addicts are treated to the smell of fresh soup coming from a []

The post Novelty Of Winter Soup At Local Cafe Wearing Pretty Thin By Now appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:10

Chivalrous Gentleman Bequeaths PS4 Controller Unto Bored Girlfriend The Hard Times

AMARILLO, Texas Passing over the controller like King Arthur surrendering Excalibur itself, sources report that local hero Lance Mason nobly donned his PlayStation 4 controller unto his girlfriend, Gwen Marquez, betwixt Fortnite matches today.

The modern-day Don Juan, pausing only but for a moment between his valiant matches wherein he never placed higher than 25th, gazed upon his gentle damsel and gallantly inquired, Oh uh, you want a turn?

The veritable chevalier, who reportedly spewed excess Totinos from his mouth onto his Ladys visage while inquiring her, had been playing for five hours straight while ensuring, like a true gentilhomme, that she felt as awkward and bored as possible throughout the entire experience.

Read More From Hard DriveHigh School Girlfriend Announces No Plans to Port Relationship to College

The worst part is I actually love Fortnite, proclaimed the Dame Marquez, perched upon Masons throne of undone laundry while gazing upon his noble feats on the battlefield. But to be honest, just watching Lance shout at a bunch of ten year olds for hours on end is a bit much.

The Good Lady Marquez was permitted one round in which to make her mark in the annals of battle, wherein Mason chivalrously attempted guide her through how to walk around and shoot a gun, despite the fact that she had spent most of her previous day playing first person shooters.

You definitely shouldve used your sniper rifle there; you totally could have gotten that guy below, Mason sagely counselled to Marquez, who was visibly out of sniper ammunition in the first place.

Upon watching his girlfriend play one round, the gallant caballero reportedly took the controller back for a few more turns, on the basis that his fair maiden needed to either get good or get fucking wrecked.

The post Chivalrous Gentleman Bequeaths PS4 Controller Unto Bored Girlfriend appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:10

CDs Sitting On Passenger Seat A Decent Indicator Your Friend Is Struggling A Bit With Adulthood The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Rumours that high-school friend and freelance dreadlock maker Bella Rickard (28) is getting her life on track appear to be falsified as a source close to Rickard confirmed her friend did, in fact, have CDs in her car. Speaking exclusively with The Advocate friend of Rickard, Ellen Woodley (28), stated that during a []

The post CDs Sitting On Passenger Seat A Decent Indicator Your Friend Is Struggling A Bit With Adulthood appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:41

Local Man Hungover Enough To Open Sports Drink While Still In The Aisle The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Editor | Contact The distance between where Kai Solomon stands in aisle four of Coles and the closest checkout has proven too much for a hungover Kai this afternoon, it has been confirmed. Its understood that Kai picked out an Isotonic Powerade (the blue one), at some point in the weekly shop his girlfriend was forcing []

The post Local Man Hungover Enough To Open Sports Drink While Still In The Aisle appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:18

Long Black Makes Sure Its The Only Thing You Taste Today The Betoota Advocate

A scolding hot long black coffee has this morning shown its true colours, having burnt the shit out of its owners mouth with just one sip effectively preventing the owner from enjoying any other food or flavoured drink for the remainder of the day. The long black in question was bought from the Betoota []

The post Long Black Makes Sure Its The Only Thing You Taste Today appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:11

Trump Reconsidering His Presidency After Seeing Protestors In London The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact The President of The United States is apparently now questioning his position as the most powerful man in the world, after seeing crowds of anti-Brexiters protesting his existence in London. Hundreds of thousands of protestors have gathered in central London on Friday, intent on mocking U.S. President Donald Trump on his only full day of []

The post Trump Reconsidering His Presidency After Seeing Protestors In London appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Trump wants to open US Embassy on Love Island NewsBiscuit

Despite saying Theresa Mays Brexit plans make a trade deal with the US difficult, President Donald Trump has said he wants to open diplomatic relations and make a trade deal with Love Island.

Trump, who saw the inexplicably popular ITV programme for the first time on his trip to UK, has voiced his support the show. I saw this thing last night, and it was great, I mean really great, he said. It was called Love Island. I loved it, truly loved it. I was astounded to find out that previous administrations had not opened a US embassy there. I mean thats bad, truly bad.

The US needs to have connections with these people. They are young and attractive. I mean, wow! Are they attractive! They are so attractive Ill probably have to appoint my daughter Ivanka as ambassador, because, yknow, she is attractive too. Very attractive. Shed fit right in.

He added that the people of the UK could learn something from Love Island. These people have left the UK to establish an independent island, he said. They have done so spectacularly well. I would love to trade with them especially the one with the blonde hair. Boy, Id trade with her anytime.

However the contestants on Love Island looked less keen on the idea. Speaking from beside the pool young Hayley was heard to whisper Trump is quintessentially the modern personification of the patriarchy, as defined in the writings of Greer, de Beauvoir and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The epitome of mysoginy and white male privilege, his very existence perpetuates oppression by gender, race and economic status.  Oh, and hes a pig-ugly bastard an all.

 

05:07

Last NATO Ally Meets 2% Defense Budget Expectations Just In Time To Declare War On U.S. Daily Discord

Brussels, BEIronically, Italy, the last NATO country to successfully budget 2% of its overall GDP to defense spending, has done so ahead of the expected 2020 deadline. Instead of cheers from The Trump House, the timing could not be worse. Super Supreme Leader Donald Trump is scrambling as the EU, Australian and Canada, currently known as the Coalition of

03:07

Donald Trump kept the Queen waiting 10 minutes our favourite 13 outraged reactions The Poke

As if his visit wasnt going well enough already, Donald Trump committed the ultimate faux pas by keeping the Queen waiting for 10 minutes.

Messing with Theresa May is one thing, dicking around with Her Maj, well thats a whole different level as these 13 outraged reactions wasted no time in pointing out.

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02:09

Giant Baby Flies Over London The Hard Times

LONDON, England A giant, nearly two-meter long baby was flown over London Square today, prompting confusion and outrage among local residents. The controversial appearance was approved by government officials, but many locals say it was inappropriate and insulting.

Related: Mentally Ill Man Receives Free Government Health Care, Housing

I just cant believe this, said one protester, who asked to remain anonymous. For this giant baby to be flown around in the sky like that. Get real. What do I care if some whining sack of shit with a passing grasp of the English language is in the UK?

As of press time, the plane flying the baby had touched down adjacent to a nearby McDonalds.

The Hard Times will continue to update this breaking news story as it develops.

The post Giant Baby Flies Over London appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:59

Piers Morgan said this about the Trump blimp and Susanna Reid had the perfect comeback The Poke

Piers Morgan wasnt happy with the balloon of his good buddy, Donald Trump. He was so unhappy, in fact, that he couldnt stop tweeting about it, culminating with this effort.

There were no shortage of replies to the Good Morning Britain man and here are a few of them.

01:31

This is how German TV covered Donald Trumps visit and its just glorious The Poke

A German TV show called @heuteshow has taken various public appearances by Donald Trump during his UK visit and replaced him with the nappy wearing orange blimp that Piers Morgan is so furious about.

And you know what? Its perfect.

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01:19

Theresa Mays been holding Trumps hand again and these are the only 6 responses you need The Poke

Theresa May, it seems, just cant get enough of holding Donald Trumps hand. Once looked like an accident. Twice? Well, thats just unfortunate.

But three times? Make you own mind up ..

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01:18

Um Winning: We Teamed up with Barstool Sports to Get Charlie Sheen Strung out on Drugs Again The Hard Times

Dilly dilly.

Lets face it, things have not been the same since Charlie Sheen fell out of the limelight in 2015. With the dog days of summer approaching we dont want to be bored to death by midseason baseball so we teamed up with the smoke shows over at Barstool Sports to get Mr. Tiger Blood back on some junk so he could entertain college students across the country with crazy sound bites, and wild good times.

This was not an easy task. It turns out Charlie is not an easy man to find. So we found some of the hottest, youngest porn stars, that were willing to work for Instagram tags and sent them up in the Hollywood Hills to find the recluse with Adonis DNA.

You might be asking, did you find him? Are Saturdays for the fucking boys? Hell yeah we found him, and brother things are turnt.

Related:
We Let Woody Harrelson Smoke 9 Joints in Our Office Before Realizing Thats Not Him

We brought Charlie back to the office and gave him all the alcohol we could find. He tried to pretend like he didnt want any. But after we spiked a couple of Lacroixs the Warlock was back!

First he tweeted at his ex wife in one of the greatest bits of Twitter comedy I have ever witnessed. Her called her an incompetent swine where does he come up with this? Eventually he started to crash and tire out. Thats when things got really interesting.

We called up some of the most dedicated Stoolies that we know were holding cocaine, and as soon as Charlie saw that sweet booger sugar he begged us to leave him alone. But that isnt how we party. A couple of ex college linebackers held our boy down and we got him higher than a SpaceX prototype.

Charlie began firing on all cylinders cutting sound bites all over the place. Calling all of us in the office turds and busting us up with his pleas for us to call an ambulance because he thinks his heart might explode.

So America, I would just like to say youre welcome. We brought Charlie Sheen back from the dead and we can finally laugh again.

The post Um Winning: We Teamed up with Barstool Sports to Get Charlie Sheen Strung out on Drugs Again appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:13

Donald Trumps Pay Your Age Build a Wall Offer Falls Flat TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

POTUS Donald Trumps latest scheme to build a wall between the USA and Mexico has fallen flat after no one turned up. The hapless President had picked up the idea from the famous Build A Bear company, whose Pay Your Age offer was massively over sub...

00:00

God admits to creating Universe except that bit in south Norfolk NewsBiscuit

God has reaffirmed his biblical statement that he created the Heavens and the Earth, but says he has no recollection of making that stetch of East Anglia between Snetterton and the A11 services at Attleborough.

I was just browsing Google Earth the other day admiring my handiwork, he says, when this place popped up. Its completely new to me. I know its been a long time since the creation, but I could almost swear on the Bible that I never made this. As you know, I disapprove of evolution, so I dont want anyone suggesting it came into being without my say-so.

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Canterbury attributes the confusion to a cartographical error that will eventually be resolved, and says the residents of the disputed area should consider themselves Gods creatures too. However, some of them appear to disagree. Were doing just fine as we are, says local woman Edith Balthorpe, 63, dropping her voice three octaves and swivelling her head 180 degrees.

00:00

Our 37 favourite placards from the protests against Donald Trump The Poke

People are protesting against Donald Trump on the second day of his first presidential visit to the UK and here are the 37 best placards (and other stuff) weve spotted so far.

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Friday, 13 July

23:50

Here Are Four Devs Who Would Never Fire a Female Employee Because They Dont Have One The Hard Times

Many gamers are outraged by the ArenaNet firing scandal and are wondering in an industry rife with questionable companies, which game developers they can feel good about supporting. Well look no further! These progressive heroes have worked around their misogyny by simply not hiring any women at all.

1) OCTOCORP

Known for producing balls-out splatterfests like WAR DICK and WAR DICK II: ENEMIES OF THE DICK, the game boys at OctoCorp wouldnt dream of firing a woman over a tweet. In fact, they wouldnt even fire a woman over major misconduct, violence, or even embezzlement. Because they dont employ a single women. The guy who does our art is pretty fruity, said level creator Bobby the Knob Knoebbel, referring to designer Pol Andrews. I havent really trusted that weirdo since the day he wore a tucked in button-down. Andrews asked us to mention he is looking for a new job.

2) OZYMANDIAS

Ozymandias is an indie developer best known for its three-hundred hour long walking simulator based on the art of Diego Rivera and the literature of David Foster Wallace. Their core principle is that, in order to tell unique stories, you must constantly question your surrounding reality, but never your hiring practices. We would never fire a woman over a tweet because we value diversity of thought, said Head of Design Lando Mack. We just have not been able to find any women who fit into that yet, so its the only diversity we have.

Read More From Hard DriveVideo Game Site Releases Poll to Let Users Decide Which Writer to Fire

3) NOHOMO GAMES

We reached out to discuss the ArenaNet controversy with Conrad Marcona, a game developer working at Nohomo Games, which builds roleplaying games. We dont have any women on staff as far as I know, but every single one of our games has an entirely female cast, explained Marcona. Thats basically the same, thing, especially because theyre really hot. According to the multiple members on staff, the problem is that its super hard to find a woman who can hang with the dev team. I mean of course we would hire a woman if the right one came along, we are feminists, but so far none have managed to get past the 2nd stage of our interview process where they have to sit through an entire Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

4) SIERRA...

23:30

REPORT: 100% of Bandcamp Passwords Just Bands Name And Maybe A Number The Hard Times

SEA RANCH, Calif. A recent study confirmed that every single password created with online music company Bandcamp is comprised of just the name of that band and maybe a number, sometimes, unsurprised sources report.

Our exhaustive search proved that literally every one of [the passwords] was just the name of the band or DJ or whatever, read the report, published by security firm Vanderson Cyber. A small group of outliers added a number to the end of the password typically 420, 69, or 666 but none deviated further. While our methodology only samples a population of 100,000 accounts, we believe that any passwords that do not fit this wildly insecure and highly predictable pattern are in the margin of error.

Bandcamp executives, who have maintained lax password requirements from users for years, were disappointed yet not surprised by the results of the audit.

We were worried our users might do something like this, said Bandcamp spokesperson Mark Bello. We tried enforcing password limits, but found requiring a numeric character or even a minimum length was enough to force most users to just give up and go to PureVolume. Our hands were really sort of tied.

Related:

While the report did not speculate as to why bands overwhelmingly choose their own name to lock up their media and payment details, some musicians did offer insight.

I have the password I use for everything, and the password they keep making me change at work theres no way in hell I was gonna add a third. Im not some robot with a superhuman memory or something, said drummer Artie Mangrove. I mean, I play in a band called Good Monday, so I made the password GoodMonday69 because thats easy for everyone to remember. I thought maybe Id make it, like, guitar, but not all of us play guitar. This was just the most fair.

At press time, an anonymous source within the internets black hat criminal hacking community claimed the insecure accounts are still at minimal risk of exploits. These bandcamp bands are easy pickings, yeah, the source said, but how much money would we be able to make doing that, really?

The post REPORT: 100% of Bandcamp Passwords Just...

23:03

A woman asked her brother a joke question about a snake and got the answer she deserved The Poke

When Twitter user Toni McIntyre asked her snake-breeder brother a joke question about the reptiles, she got an answer she should have expected.

This is what she sent him.


Photo

And this was his reply.

She instantly realised her mistake.

The replies show that Owen wasnt the only one taking it seriously.

22:51

Spare a thought for trade secretary Liam Fox at this difficult time The Poke

Heres Tory MP and secretary of state for international trade Liam Dr Fox bigging up Donald Trump after he arrived for his first UK presidential visit.

Except, er

And the responses it prompted were almost worth the price of losing that trade deal. Here are our favourites

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21:56

The Queen is due to meet Donald Trump and everyone hopes shell pull a sickie The Poke

The Queen is expected to meet President Donald Trump today and nobodys convinced that she really wants to.

One answer might be to do what everyone else does when they really dont want to go to work.

Its an idea supported by these 16 people.

It looked like she might have been setting up the excuse when she didnt attend Prince Louis christening.

21:50

19 favourite things people said about the Trump baby blimp The Poke

Mobile in hand and nappy pin fastened securely in place the giant Trump baby blimp took to the skies over London today.

There was no shortage of love for the inflatable president and here are 19 of our favourite things people said about it online.

1.

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Sunday, 01 July

02:27

Man Taken Into Custody After Telling Bar Patrons He Was WWEs The Undertaker, Tried To Tombstone The Bouncer Empire News

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania  

Mark Callaway, 46, was arrested on Thursday evening after he became drunk and belligerent at the Cap N Cock bar in New Brighton, Pennsylvania. According to police reports, Callaway began telling other patrons that he was The Undertaker, a popular WWE wrestler, and was encouraging others to smash a chair off his back to prove it.

When Mr. Callaway was asked to leave by security, he became enraged, and tried to perform a tombstone piledriver on the bouncer, which unfortunately injured both of them, said police chief Carl Carpenter. We arrived on scene along with an ambulance, and Callaway was transported to a local hospital.

Carpenter says that had Callaway left on his own accord, hed have been allowed to go home, but because of the assault, he will be facing up to 2 years in prison if the bar presses charges.

02:12

Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard Empire News

NAPLES, Florida  

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history, said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be open and shut, Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards excessive means, its likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

02:03

MTV Announces Drastic Programming Change Theyre Going Back to Music Videos! Empire News

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel Will Show Music Videos Again

LOS ANGELES, California

Viacom Networks, the parent company of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and others, has announced a major programming change for one of their longest-running networks. MTV, which started in the early 80s as a station airing music videos and music-related programming such as interviews with musicians, stopped showing music videos well over a decade ago, and now focuses on reality programming.

We have decided that nostalgia is the winner here, said MTV Chairman Reed Morris. The people have spoken in fact, theyve been speaking for years and they want their MTV. So we have made the decision to remove all existing programming, and go back to our roots. We will begin showing music videos on our network beginning in August.

It has been a long-running joke that MTV no longer showed any music videos, despite their name Music TV. Many on the internet bashed the company for their change to reality shows, and have been begging for music videos ever since.

The funny thing is, a channel dedicated to just music videos is completely irrelevant in this day and age, said MTV superfan Ryan Rogers. I mean, I miss the days of watching my favorite videos on TV, but even I think this is kind of dumb. I can just go to YouTube and look up whatever I want, any time I want. I dont need MTV. But its still cool theyre willing to ruin their whole network just for the fans.

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Saturday, 30 June

13:33

Investor and TV Star Mark Cuban Files for Bankruptcy After Series of Bad Shark Tank Deals Empire News

NEW YORK CITY, New York  

Investor and former billionaire Mark Cuban has filed for bankruptcy, after he says he made a series of bad business deals on Shark Tank. 

Over the last two seasons, Ive invested in about a dozen different businesses, and every single one of them failed, said Cuban. Its absolutely the worst run of luck in my life. Ive usually been a whole lot better at figuring out how to stay rich. This crippled me.

Cuban, who made his fortune by perfectly timing the sale of an internet company before the bubble burst, has been an investor on the show Shark Tank since it began nearly 10 years ago. He is the first Shark to lose their fortune investing in the companies presented.

I feel kind of bad for him, but not like, super bad or anything, said Barbara Corcoran, another Shark. Mark was worth more than the rest of the sharks combined, and its actually kind of nice to see a fall like this. It will probably give him a bit of humility. I have no doubt hell climb his way back up, but for now, Im smiling a bit.

13:24

Man Dies After Being Bitten by Daddy Long Legs Empire News

BOSTON, Massachusetts  

As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.

Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moores illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.

During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.

Craziest damn thing Ive ever seen, said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. Im still flabbergasted.

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Friday, 29 June

10:55

Mark Zuckerberg Steps Down As Facebook CEO Amid Stolen Information Controversy Empire News

PALO ALTO, California  

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be stepping down from the company, after allegations that he orchestrated his team to steal private information from site users, and resold it for millions.

While I can neither confirm nor deny that I was a part of the stolen user data, it happened on my watch as CEO, and thats not right, said Zuckerberg. Effective immediately, I am stepping down as the CEO of Facebook.

When asked what his next plans were, Zuck was initially shy about answering, but was eventually persuaded to admit that he had his ambitions set on running the country in place of Facebook.

Realistically, I was already running the country anyway, said Zuckerberg. Do you know anyone who isnt on Facebook? Exactly. When you run the biggest website in the world that billions log onto every day, youre basically running things, if you understand what I mean.

Zuckerberg has not officially announced his candidacy, but sources close to him say he is absolutely planning a run in 2020.

10:49

BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall Empire News

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

This is a goddamn outrage, said construction worker Chris Thomas. I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and its the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isnt the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false. He went on to say that Fake News had struck again.

I would never hire undocumented workers, tweeted Trump. The Fake News Media has struck again, and youre all buying it. We dont have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.

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Thursday, 28 June

06:54

Michael Jacksons Father, Joe Jackson, Reported DeadAgain Empire News

NEW YORK CITY, New York  

Joe Jackson, the extremely abusive father and former manager of The Jackson Five, died today. He was 89. Only last week, he was the victim of a death hoax after he was reportedly hospitalized with advance-stage cancer. His family refuted the claims last week, but have now since stated that yeah, the guy is finally, and thankfully, dead.

The Jackson family made a public announcement about the death of the Patriach, stating that We really arent affected by his death, with at least one family member quoted as saying good riddance.

Honestly, the guy was a royal prick, and everyone knew that, said one of the Jackson clan, speaking anonymously so as not to make waves throughout the family. Everyone has seen The Jacksons: An American Dream. God knows VH1 has been airing it for decades. He was a cold-blooded bastard who beat the kids regularly, especially Michael. Did he push everyone to become better performers? Maybe, sure. But not the expense of having a life, and of love.

Joe Jackson will be remembered my some, and forgotten by most. His family says that in lieu of flowers, please send worn leather belts and broken tree branches in remembrance.

06:47

World Cup Has Lowest Ratings in History as People Discover How Much Soccer Sucks Empire News

RUSSIA  

As the World Cup championship gets underway, the TV ratings for the sport have dwindled to record lows, with only approximately 1 out of every 3 million homes tuning in. Despite marketing the event all over the world, FIFA has said they are really upset by the numbers.

We depend on people to watch the games from home, because the ad revenue is what we live off of the next 4 years before the next Cup, said spokesman Ron Pele. The ad revenue this year, werewell, its beans and franks the next four years. No one is watching.

Honestly, I only ever watched the Cup because its all the was on before I had cable, said former soccer fan Mario Bluth. Now that I have Netflix and stuff, why the hell would I watch soccer? Theyre a bunch of pussies.

Numbers outside of the United States and Canada have also dwindled to record lows, with FIFA saying that its possible they may need to cancel TV presentation of future events.

This TV time isnt cheap, and sponsors are calling us with threats to pull ads left and right, said Pele. This is really, really bad for the sport of soccer. Or Football. Whatever you call it. Who cares?

Tuesday, 26 June

06:57

Frito-Lay Announces New, Mega-Sized Doritos Chips Empire News

ATLANTA, Georgia  

Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.

After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name Dorito to meaning little Doro, in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are large Doros, we decided to give the public exactly what they want, said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.

The company says this is the first time theyve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.

With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail, said Rogers. We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. Theyre literally the size of your head.

The product will come in the original nacho cheese and Cool Ranch flavor to start, and Rogers says that sales figures depending the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.

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