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Saturday, 15 December

01:45

Girl on Boyfriends Shoulders Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame The Hard Times

CLEVELAND  An intoxicated woman sitting atop her boyfriends shoulders will be the first non-musical act inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as part of the 2019 class, Hall officials confirmed.

What a great addition to the Hall they are gonna be, said Rock and Roll Hall of Fame President Greg Harris. Sure, Gladys Knight isnt in yet, but well get to her. Nothing exemplifies the spirit of rocknroll like an obnoxious, drunk person blocking your view and screaming louder than the act. Frankly, Im surprised we didnt get them in there sooner.

The woman, Dawn Cramer, has been a fixture of most concerts in the Columbus, Ohio area for the last several decades, kicking off her legendary run of concert inebriation at Motley Crues Dr. Feelgood world tour in 1989.  

Yeah! Fuck yeah. Wooooooooo, said Cramer, when told of her designation as a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. Thats so fucking cool. Hey, do they have a beer tent at this thing, or should I sneak a bag of wine under my shirt?

For her live performance at the induction ceremony, Cramer surprised fans by reuniting with her original concert companion her high school sweetheart, David Melvin to watch the other inductees from the wings of the stage.

I cant believe they got them back together. I heard he hurt his back working as a roofer back in 97, and people thought he would never lift again, said longtime fan Dwight McKinnon. Not to mention the Sponge incident at Lollapalooza that broke them up to begin with. Did you see the way she threw up all over herself during the intro of Money for Nothing, though, and he still kept her up straight while shielding his eyes? They still got it! What an amazing performance.

The duo have since denied rumors that the reconciliation will be a permanent one, as Melvin is happily married, while Cramer has a bunch of fuckin court dates coming up.

The post Girl on Boyfriends Shoulders Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:15

Theresa May and Jean-Claude Juncker had a mini spat the only 11 reactions you need to read The Poke

As she heroically clings, limpet-like to the job of Prime Minister, Theresa May doggedly pushes for a better deal from the EU, although it looks suspiciously like shes giving that dead horse a damn good flogging, from most vantage points. Someone managed to film an impressive shot of Mrs May having a chat with the President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker.

It really doesnt look as though theyre exchanging turkey-basting tips or discussing whether tinsel is outdated.

Channel 5 provided subtitles.

The clip has sparked quite a debate online. These are our favourite comments.

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Friday, 14 December

23:18

Simply 4 perfectly timed photos The Poke

Sometimes you take a picture and the timing is just perfect, like this picture shared on Reddit.

Which reminded us of this one.

(via)

And this one.


Source

Oh, go on then.

Source

The post Simply 4 perfectly timed photos appeared first on The Poke.

23:10

Slades Merry Christmas Everybody but all the lyrics are Are you hanging up your stocking is brilliant (and brilliantly irritating) The Poke

Youve heard Slades Merry Christmas Everybody a few thousand times already (and thats only this Christmas) but trust us youve never heard it quite like this.

Its brilliantly done and brilliantly irritating all at the same time.

Seriously though, have you hung it up?

Source

The post Slades Merry Christmas Everybody but all the lyrics are Are you hanging up your stocking is brilliant (and brilliantly irritating) appeared first on The Poke.

23:10

This post about whether mums should have careers has gone viral for all the wrong reasons The Poke

The image of the family as working dad, stay-at-home mum and two perfect children has long since been chucked out, as we look around and see families in all shapes and sizes. Over on Facebook, however, a page called The Transformed Wife which aims to teach biblical womanhood according to Titus 2:3-5 and other related passages seems to be suggesting that being a working mother is equal to being a bad mother.

It recently featured this post, comparing the lives of working mothers with their stay-at-home counterparts.

The heavily weighted flow chart suggests that a working mother might read a book to her children before bed, while a stay-at-home mum reads to children, plays games, disciplines, teaches about Jesus all day long. It also paints a picture of a working mother being too tired for intimacy, while the goer of a stay-at-home mum and her husband are at it like rabbits all the time when she isnt disciplining her children or teaching them about Jesus, of course.

1500 people have commented on the post, largely with negative comments, suggesting that this particular worldview has had its day.

...

23:00

Calls grow for a second vote of confidence on Mays leadership NewsBiscuit

Darren Bull, a homophobic racist with a strong interest in Fascism is incandescent with rage following a bungled attempt to overthrow Prime Minister Theresa May, by Tory extremist faction The European Reform Group, failed by a very wide margin.

How shes got the bloody cheek to cling on to her job after securing a paltry two-thirds of the vote is shameful. Shes scraped through by the skin of her teeth, just like Jacob Rees-Mogg said on TV and there needs to be a second vote to oust her. The whole things a bloody farce, fumed Bull.

Look Im a Brexiteer and I dont make no bones about it, continued the 28 year-old trainee Estate Agent, but believe me I have no qualms about that. Britains decision to leave is firmly grounded by a thumping majority of the people who voted, so what I say is let the will of the British people be done. Why should we have a second vote? We voted once already. We won they lost. End of! Its just like that stupid little foreign rat fella says in them ads, innit? Simples!

22:01

25 of this weeks greatest jokes The Poke

Theresa May has had a hell of a week she cancelled the meaningful vote because she knew shed lose it, got stuck in her car with Angela Merkel watching and won a vote of confidence by promising to leave before the next general election. She could probably do with reading these tweets to put a bit of a smile on her face its not our fault if she doesnt know whats good for her.
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21:03

People are sharing the random things their loved ones do that make them smile and they will warm your chilly bones The Poke

Novelist Rachel Griffin asked people to share the little things their loved ones do that make them smile.

And were very glad she did because the responses were just fantastic. Here are 20 of our favourites.

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3.


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21:00

Nobel Prize for Physics awarded to part-time PC World assistant NewsBiscuit

breakthrough discovery of 'degree of competence' could change life as we know itA sixteen-year-old part-time assistant at PC World is the surprise winner of this years Nobel Prize for Physics. Joe Ward from Northampton was awarded the prize in recognition, say the Nobel Committee, of his outstanding contribution to physics and computer science by correctly advising Mrs Ethel Knight, 62, of Northampton, on how to attach a mouse to a computer USB port.

Mr Ward, who works at his local PC World at weekends, said he was gob smacked on receiving the letter informing him of his success. It was awesome, he told journalists. I knew Id done something pretty cool, but I didnt think I had a chance of a Nobel Prize. But, looking back, I suppose it was pretty groundbreaking for a PC World guy to give out correct technical information.

Mrs Knight said she was delighted. That young man deserves the honour, she said. I was a bit dubious when he showed me how to attach the mouse to the computer and, to be quite honest, I didnt think it would work. But it just shows how wrong you can be. In my opinion, Joe is a genius.

The store said that since the announcement, it had been inundated with messages from around the world. The manager said: Yesterday Bill Gates called to ask Joe for advice on a problem with Windows 7, then we had Sir Tim Berners-Lee ringing asking for guidance. People have been queuing round the block to ask Joe for advice.

Of course, its partly down to the thorough training we give all our employees at PC World. We once had a young assistant who showed a customer how to detach a mouse from a computer AND where to find the track pad. Brilliant. Mrs Knight said when she arrived home with the mouse she went straight to her computer: I couldnt actually find anywhere to plug the mouse into my Amstrad, but my grandson has a computer with a hole for mice and it went in there like a treat. Hes a clever one, that Joseph Ward. A bit of an Einstein, Id say.

19th December 2009

20:23

Whats your greatest accomplishment that you cant bring up in normal conversation? 15 of the best The Poke

We all have something that we count as an accomplishment for some, its achieving an important qualification or getting a dream job, for others, its eating a four-finger KitKat in two bites -*proud face*. When a Reddit user called The-B-Brain asked Whats your greatest accomplishment that you cant bring up in normal conversation?, the response was impressively diverse.

1. The generous gesture

2. A cringeworthy accolade

3. The really weird skill

4. The NSFW confession

5. The even more NSFW confession
...

20:11

Funniest 14 things people said about this weird looking dinosaur someone won at a bowling alley The Poke

A chap called Jonny Sun won this weird-looking dinosaur at a bowling alley and he was so taken aback by just how weird it is, he asked people to do this.

And they didnt disappoint, they really didnt.

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18:33

The most-used passwords of the year are out and youll probably guess what they are The Poke

A digital password is like your homes security system a strong password has the right type of window and door locks and an electric fence to dissuade intruders getting in. Weak passwords are like a house with all the doors and windows open, while the resident naps on the couch by the window for any passer-by to see.

The latest list of weak passwords, compiled by SplashData is so terrible, some of them might as well just label their digital presence Hack me.

Thats the edited highlights, but theres a list of 100, if you want to check whether strongpassword69 makes the list spoiler alert, it doesnt. We know that finding the right password can be tricky, but really!

This is the top or should that be bottom 25.

1. 123456

2. password

3. 123456789

4. 12345678

5. 12345

6. 111111

7. 1234567

8. sunshine

9. qwerty

10. iloveyou

11. princess

12. admin

13. welcome

14. 666666

15. abc123

16. football

17. 123123

18. monkey

19. 654321

20. !@#$%^&*

21. charlie

22. aa123456

23. donald

24. password1

25. qwerty123

Hands up if you could have guessed that someone stupid enough to use a terrible password might use Donald. So, if youre using anything like this oh, mate.

via GIPHY

Source: TeamsID

The post The most-used passwords of the year are out and youll probably guess what they are appeared first on Th...

18:14

Jacob Rees-Moggs been tweeting in Latin again and got entirely the responses he deserved The Poke

Jacob Rees-Mogg has been tweeting in Latin again which is always worthwhile because it generates some particularly entertaining (and childish) replies.

This time was no different.

Which means, roughly speaking (apparently) I salute you and goodbye.

And it prompted all sorts of responses like this.

The time-travelling Tory MP has form when it comes to this sort of thing, of course, including this one from last year.

To which people replied with more of the same...

18:10

What About Mens Rights? Says 30-Something Whos Mum Still Does His Laundry The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Full time stay at home son, Jesse Wickens (34), never saw himself becoming an activist but has found himself fighting for the greater good, asking the question what about mens rights? from the comfort of his childhood home where his mum still does his laundry. Saunders claims that sexism is a problem []

The post What About Mens Rights? Says 30-Something Whos Mum Still Does His Laundry appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

18:02

Cassetteboy did this with Die Hard and its the final word on the is it a Christmas movie? debate The Poke

Cassetteboy has been messing around with Die Hard and not only is it very, very clever, it finally puts an end to the debate about whether its a Christmas movie or not.

Until next year, at least. Feast your eyes on this

Wonderful. Were going to watch it again tonight.

Source

The post Cassetteboy did this with Die Hard and its the final word on the is it a Christmas movie? debate appeared first on The Poke.

18:00

Politics apologises for being interesting NewsBiscuit

Politics has said sorry to the nation for accidentally becoming interesting. We cherish our reputation as show business for ugly people said Politics, and we want to protect our long held capacity to bore the pants off the electorate then quietly shaft them up the arse, without them noticing. We want to return to those days, so people can concentrate on the important things in our community like Strictly Come Dancing and B list celebrities abroad being forced to eat insects.

The statement came after a terse vote among mostly grey men with ties. They voted by a slim margin for politics to remain interesting until 2022, if not beyond. Politics said: Today we have bonkers toffs, Machiavellian weasels, people who smile and lie about how they voted in secrecy, a paralysed looking mini-Santa in a parka who could bring the House down at any time but doesnt, and a horrible little Nazi man with a false name, as well as a frail looking grinning woman on death row whose sentence keeps getting commuted.

Politics continued: This level of interesting cannot continue and we are exploring all the options with our European partners to get back to the good old days when nobody gave a shit and we could do what we liked to each other and to our paid staff who work so hard behind the scenes. And we are grateful that they are soldiering on through the crisis and that they dont make a fuss about what happened in the office last Tuesday, have you mended that broken chair by the way and been to the doctors and the dry cleaners?

Reporters laughed as Politics explained that the current interestingness is not just a British phenomenon. Across the pond we have the Blond Sopranos. (New Episode coming soon: Jailtime for stool pigeon) The Blond Sopranos play out to a grateful audience who show no signs of tiring of shooting each other in their spare time as part of the new politics. In Eastern Europe we have some really sharp looking military uniforms taking the fashion pages by storm trooper. And in the Philippines, I think it is, you have a president who makes no bones about being a serial killer, as victims bones are dug up around his country. Compared to them, we British politicians are still not that interesting.

One benefactor of the interestingness is the canned food industry, whose productivity has soared thanks to the growth of foodbanks and the government advice that everyone should stockpile canned goods in case of crashing out of the EU, or Mr Putin smearing goodness knows what on housewives knockers across the country. Most canned goods have use by dates in 2022, as do our interesting politicians.

17:52

Millennial Describes Leonard Cohens Hallelujah As Song From Shrek The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local millennial Ashley Raymond (24) has left older members of her family feeling a little queasy today, as the post-grad student describe Leonard Cohens 1984 secular hymn, Hallelujah, as the song from Shrek. At a Christmas lunch with the family members they wanted to get out of the way early, talk turned []

The post Millennial Describes Leonard Cohens Hallelujah As Song From Shrek appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:49

Jonathan Agnew told Gary Lineker to stop talking about Brexit. It didnt end well The Poke

The BBCs cricket correspondent Jonathan Agnew isnt happy that his corporation colleague Gary Lineker keeps banging on about Brexit on Twitter.

So much so that he was moved to tell him this.

Probably Agnew was thinking of recent Lineker tweets like this one.

Or this one (another classic of its type).

Except, as youd expect, the Match of the Day man was having none of it.

To which Agnew replied

...

17:39

Boring Man Who Really Isnt Of Much Interest To Anyone Puts Tape Over Webcam The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Ambiguously titled IT Technician Bevan Blake (33) has protected the privacy of his uninteresting life by sticking a piece of tape over his webcam. Known throughout his company for promising to provide IT support and occasionally showing up to do it, Blake is now gaining a reputation as somewhat of a tinfoil []

The post Boring Man Who Really Isnt Of Much Interest To Anyone Puts Tape Over Webcam appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:22

You Need To See The World, Says Woman Who Spent 3 Weeks Blind Drunk In Europe Ten Years Ago The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Work colleague Tracey Rhiannon (34) may have overstepped some boundaries this week by telling younger co-workers they need to see the world like she did when she spent three weeks blind drunk in Europe ten years ago. Aged beyond her years, Rhiannon occasionally feels the need to state that her age []

The post You Need To See The World, Says Woman Who Spent 3 Weeks Blind Drunk In Europe Ten Years Ago appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:22

Dawson Trial Adjourned After Wifi Issues Stop Court Getting Past 2nd Ep Of Teachers Pet Podcast The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A court in Sydney has been left ruing technology today. The court hosting the well publicised Chris Dawson case has been let down by its internet provider and has had to tell everyone to cool it until Monday. Earlier today the judge was forced to adjourn the trial until the start of next []

The post Dawson Trial Adjourned After Wifi Issues Stop Court Getting Past 2nd Ep Of Teachers Pet Podcast appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:35

Report: 3rd Grade Coach Actually Not Joking About Pre Season Training Starting Before Christmas The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Much to the amusement of many at the Betoota Dolphins club, it has been confirmed today that the Reserve Grade coach wasnt actually joking when he said that there would be pre-season training this week. Chris Walker has shocked the club and the members of the 3rd-grade squad when he posted a sternly []

The post Report: 3rd Grade Coach Actually Not Joking About Pre Season Training Starting Before Christmas appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:31

Retail Employee Considering Life Of Poverty After Suffering Through Third Week Of Carols The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young woman has revealed to The Advocate today that she is seriously contemplating whether its all worth it. The permanent part-time employee at a store in Betoota Heights made the revelation after suffering through her third week of Christmas carols. Carlie Jade explained that she is very much at the end of her tether. []

The post Retail Employee Considering Life Of Poverty After Suffering Through Third Week Of Carols appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:31

Local Tradie Refers To Picturesque Location As Todays Office The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has let his social media followers know that they should be pretty jealous of him today. Kayden James (23) did so by posting a photo of the picturesque location he is working at and titling it Todays Office. The young man uploaded the photo from a location on the coast []

The post Local Tradie Refers To Picturesque Location As Todays Office appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:35

4th Year Law Student Still Using ATAR Results Day To Bring Up What He Got The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While many Year 12 students around the country have been dreading the arrival of today, for one local university student it couldnt come soon enough. As school leavers across the country fret about what single mark they will be given to sum up the entirety of their 13 years of schooling, Daniel Potts []

The post 4th Year Law Student Still Using ATAR Results Day To Bring Up What He Got appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:32

Mueller Just Going to Grind a Few More Levels Before Final Boss Fight The Hard Times

WASHINGTON Robert Mueller, former FBI director and current head of the Special Counsel Investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 American election, has reported that hes nearing the final boss fight against President Donald Trump in his lengthy quest, and that he will engage once hes gained one or two final levels by grinding it out against smaller enemies.

Yeah, Ive done pretty much all the side quests and extra stuff, said the head of the FBI investigation into the current presidents alleged ties to Russia. Probably gonna finish this game pretty soon here. Just gotta tie up some stuff, Corsi, Butina, maybe take on one of Trumps stupid children. I still cant believe they put those characters in here. Im sure I have enough experience to take Trump down, but I just wanted to make sure I did everything.

It might be one of those games where, after you finish, it doesnt let you go back and do some of the smaller quests, Mueller explained.

The campaign, which was launched in 2016, has seen Mueller grow from a young, unknown agent chosen from obscurity to lead the mission against the ruler of the republic, to a hero figure the population has rallied around.

I love Mueller! said local gamer Ana Rydell. Hes a complete badass, the way he selflessly puts the needs of the townsfolk above any personal desires. And its so cute how you never hear him talk! Cant wait to see whats next for him.

The final boss battle is expected to be engaged once Mueller has defeated the final form of Paul Manafort, who has pestered him repeatedly throughout his prolonged adventure.

Ugh yeah, said Mueller. He really was the Ultros of this story.

The post Mueller Just Going to Grind a Few More Levels Before Final Boss Fight appeared first on The Hard Times.

04:29

Opinion: Thats Not What My Older Brother Told Me The Hard Times

I am not calling you a liar, I am just saying that is not what my older brother told me and he knows what he is talking about, he has a Masters Degree. I am not saying that in your, lets say, limited experience, you believe what you are telling me. I am just saying that my older brother has told me differently, and hes been to Japan.

You are just a naive little country mouse that will spend the rest of his life in this town and marry his high school sweetheart. But my brother toured with a band once and took a photo with Vince Neil.

I dont care what Newsweek article you have to show me, if my brother says that the government has a machine that creates hurricanes and causes earthquakes in order to maintain control over the population, I will believe him.

He said that he literally saw the concentration camps that we will all be rounded in to after a so-called natural disaster allows FEMA to declare martial law and round us all up. He said that they are disguised to look like ordinary college dormitories; completely with supposedly student actors.

My brother told me that one of his professors was even approached by the Bush administration and asked how to perpetuate a terrorist hoax only for 9-11 to happen a few months later. My brother also told me that the Nestle corporation is microdosing their bottled water with Scopolamine, which he says is a drug used for mind control.

Did I ever tell you that my brother told me he accurately predicted the housing market collapse? He told me after it happened that he knew is was coming. He said that Wall Street millionaires wanted him to come work for them but he didnt want to sell out.

So, excuse me, if I choose to believe the words of my brother over your, supposed, research.

The post Opinion: Thats Not What My Older Brother Told Me appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:13

Gamers Best of 2018 List Just the 5 Games Hes Played This Year The Hard Times

DENVER Joe Hutchinson has released his annual ranking of the best games of the year, although his entries have made it evident that it was merely an arrangement of the handful of titles hed actually played.

Hutchinsons end of the year list, which was posted as a Facebook status and accumulated seventeen likes and one wow reaction, is as follows:

  1. Spider-Man (PS4)
  2. Mario Tennis (Demo) (Switch)
  3. Super Cat Tales 2 (iOS)
  4. WWE2K19 (PS4)
  5. Some Racing Game (I think XBox)

Yeah, its pretty obvious these are just the only five games he played this year, said Todd Monroe, a childhood friend of Hutchinsons. I dont know why everyone feels the pressure to make an end of the year list. If you only had the time or money to play five games, then theres no point in ranking them. And yet, Joe insisted that Spider-Man should have won Game of the Year at all the award shows, even though he clearly hasnt played a single other AAA game this year.

Despite several allegations of this nature, Butcher insisted that the only constraints put on his selection process was the sheer number of titles to choose from in what he called a marquee year for gaming.

Coming up with the list sure was hard, said Joe Butcher. I mean, Spider-Man is obviously game of the year, but I got a little stumped on the rest of the list. At the end of the day though, that racing game I couldnt remember the name of that Todd had at his house that one night just barely edged out a lot of stuff thats making other peoples lists.

As is often the case with year end rankings, the list proved controversial amongst many in the gaming community.

This list is trash, said Drop_Said_Fred, in response to Butchers tweet displaying the contentious list. Theres no God of War, Red Dead, Smash, Assassins Creed, or Into the Breach, but there is this years wrestling game and the Mario Tennis demo. List is trash.

His list of top 20 games he hopes to be able to play next year is spot on, though, he added.

The post Gamers Best of 2018 List Just the 5 Games Hes Played This Year appeared first on The Hard Times...

02:07

Scottish MP Mhairi Black had the perfect comeback for the troll who told her this The Poke

Scottish National Party MP Mhairi Black has a reputation for straight talking, presumably because of occasions like this.

It began when Black, who became the youngest MP ever elected to Westminster in 2015, said this about a tweet (which has since been deleted).

Which prompted someone called James to say this

and here was the SNP MPs perfect reply.

And people loved her for it.

02:00

May staying too long, says herpes virus NewsBiscuit

Having thrown the ring into the Cracks of Doom, the 1922 Committee was shocked to discover that the Prime Minister has all the tenacity of a hangnail.   Even with over 100 of her own MPs voting against her, Mrs May refused to lie down; despite a stake to the heart, a silver bullet to the brain and having had a Kansas farm house dropped on top of her.

A close friend confided: Shes pretty much immune to salt, verucca cream and the concept of rythmic dancing.  Yes, shes agreed not to fight the next General Election, although to be honest she didnt really fight the last one.

So with Rasputin or smoke alarms, Mrs May also does not know when to die.  Said one Minister: We dont need a vote of confidence, we need an exorcism.

01:45

Alcoholic Uncle Still Planning to Somehow Ruin Booze-Free Wedding The Hard Times

SAN DIEGO Local alcoholic Jerry Tatum announced plans to somehow ruin his nieces wedding later tonight with his drunk and disorderly antics, despite the event being completely devoid of alcohol, edgy sources confirm.

What kind of wedding doesnt have some fucking beer anyway? said the 47-year-old, who can quit whenever I want, I just dont want to while filling a Ziploc bag with brandy and taping it to his stomach. My niece Laura [Fischer] thinks shes so much better than everyone, ever since she met her fiance Gary [Hooper] at their precious little rehab center. Well, fuck that just because they cant have fun anymore, doesnt mean the rest of us cant. Or wont.

The meticulously planned, completely dry wedding will feature an open bar stocked with virgin cocktails and margaritas for guests to enjoy.

Gary and I both have had our issues personally, my family has a history of alcoholism, and I was going down a dark path. Thankfully, Gary was my light, and he and I can finally share this perfect day together, said Fischer, applying the finishing touches to her makeup. Our families have been so supportive I just know this was meant to be.

After catching wind that spirits would not be available at the wedding, however, Tatum began plotting ways to get fully smashed.

Im gonna show up early, so I can stash some mini bottles in those orchids theyre gonna set up on the tables. And last week, I buried a cooler full of beer out in the field where the ceremony is happening. I just have to remember the exact coordinates, said Tatum. If all else fails, I have some cocaine hidden in the lining of my jacket. Its a really special day, and I dont wanna not be nice and tanked for it.

Meanwhile, family members are reportedly already planning to thwart Tatums plans.

Last year, my son Jacob had a baptism, and Jerry broke into the church the night before and replaced the holy water with vodka so he could take the edge off, said Tatums brother-in-law Thomas Green. I think today, Im gonna spare us all some drama, and just hit him with my car in the parking lot. Everyone deserves a perfect wedding day, and this is the best present they could get.

The post Alcoholic Uncle Still Planning to Somehow Ruin Booze-Free Wedding appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:51

This school nativity clip is a classic of its kind and a slow-burning delight The Poke

Like all the best dramas, the tension slowly builds until it explodes in a shocking display of violence.

Well, sort of.

Tug of love.

00:37

YouGov surveyed the nations favourite selection tub chocolates and it might leave a bitter taste The Poke

The good people of YouGov did a survey of the nations favourite sweets from Christmas selection tubs and we dont get it. We really dont get it at all.

See what you make of it

Rarely have we felt so out of touch with the rest of the country.

The post YouGov surveyed the nations favourite selection tub chocolates and it might leave a bitter taste appeared first on...

00:27

David Schneiders come up with the perfect analogy for Brexit The Poke

Heres actor, writer, director and much else besides David Schneider with our favourite Brexit analogy yet.

Even better than the cheese submarine, and that was a good one.

Source

The post David Schneiders come up with the perfect analogy for Brexit appeared first on...

Thursday, 13 December

23:00

Britain disappointed with third place in Most Embarrassing Country Contest NewsBiscuit

Members of Britains Most Embarrassing Country Contest team have expressed their disappointment at only coming third, with Brexit, What a Shambles despite many insiders suggesting it was the best chance of victory since our winning Suez Crisis entry in 1956.

The coveted prize which is awarded every four years to acknowledge spectacular political incompetence, was presented to Donald Trump at a ceremony in Geneva last night.

Disappointed Captain Theresa May said: We pulled out all the stops this time around, fielding a fantastic team but still well fell short.

In Boris we had perhaps the worlds most embarrassing politician. His ludicrous matrimonial arrangements, his dog-whistle racist comments. Reciting Kipling in that temple in Myanmar was a stroke of genius.

And how the judges could ignore Jacob just beggars belief. Apart from his  constant Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonations, precipitating a leadership crisis in the middle our already tremendous Brexit Shambles was a masterstroke and shouldve seen us crowned winners.

Pausing only to acknowledge the pound plummeting on world markets a forlorn and resigned Mrs May added. We knew the Americans would win as, dare I say it, they had the Trump card, but I really think Sir Terry Wogan had it right in these matters. The rest of the world just hates us.

22:52

This BBC News clip went viral because something very weird happens in the background The Poke

If you watch this BBC News clip once then youll almost certainly watch it a second (and maybe a third) time to work out what the hells going on.

See what we mean? There was no end of theories on Twitter, some more sensible (boo!) than others.

...

22:38

People are trolling the NY Times after it asked about petty crime in London and its glorious The Poke

Well, heres an unexpected thing of beauty after the New York Times put a request out to ask people about petty crimes they had experienced in London.

It said levels of violent crime were rising in the capital and it was keen to find out how police dealt with less important offences.

And the replies were just wonderful. Here are our favourites.

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21:59

Scott Morrison Becomes Longest Serving Prime Minister Since Malcolm Turnbull The Shovel

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has now been in the top job for longer than anyone since Malcolm Turnbull left the role in August. It makes Morrison the second longest serving Prime Minister of all time this year.

Mr Morrison put his longevity down to hard work, groovy hats and a total lack of a viable alternative.

Observers say Mr Morrison could remain in the role for up to another five months, making him the fifth longest serving Prime Minister this decade.

21:50

Fox News got Donald Trumps name wrong looks like the honeymoons over The Poke

Of all the news outlets in the US, Fox News must surely be the Presidents biggest fans, giving him the benefit of the doubt every time he f_cks up or does something terrible, yet even they dont love him anymore, apparently. Writer Dustin Giebel spotted this red flag for the Fox-Trump union and posted it on Twitter.

Lets take a closer look.

David Trump? David Trump? DAVID?

He also posted a link, in case we found it too unbelievable.

Maybe its because he didnt win and Fox hates losers who knows? There was a bit of piss-taking, naturally.

21:00

Nation prepares to question wisdom of Brexit after fifth Xmas sherry NewsBiscuit

While the Supreme Court mulls over legal ephemera, the real Brexit debate is to be re-visited by drunken relatives throughout the festive period. Emboldened by copious lashings of egg-nog, the UKs unemployed Uncles have agreed to broach a variety of taboo subjects; ranging from immigration, the end of the British Raj and why women shouldnt be allowed to referee.

A heady cocktail of cocktails is predicted to bring all manner of ill-considered opinions to the fore like Nigel Farage with Tourettes. Normally shy family members will offer views on topics they were previously oblivious to, attempting to find solutions to global warming, liberating Aleppo and who the feck ate my chocolate orange?

By the time someone suggests shots of absinthe, no issue will be off limits including Grans lumbago, your sisters infidelities and the paucity of Xmas cracker toys. There remains one area that even the UN would fear to moderate and that is the contentious issue of TV scheduling; with Dad firmly remaining in possession of the remote control until New Years Day.

Home truths combined with a light sprinkling of racism will escalate throughout December, like a Christmas calendar where every window reveals a Daily Mail headline. An inebriated Britain will soon realise never again to mix alcohol with families, Europe with Boris Johnson or Hilary Clinton with popularity contests.

20:56

This animated chart of countrys GDPs over time tells an amazing story and is beautifully done The Poke

This animated guide to how the size of various countrys economies has changed since 1962 is the best chart youll see this week.

Watch China go!

And here are a few of our favourite observations that people made.

20:56

Someone asked if Conservative is the new gay and got a big fat Nope! in reply 16 beautiful takedowns The Poke

A right-wing commentator wrote on a politics website that he experienced greater stigma from being politically conservative than he ever had from being openly gay. His article was seized upon by fellow conservative, Gayle Trotter, who tweeted a link.

The crass analogy didnt go down well at all.

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20:43

Jacob Rees-Mogg said Theresa May should resign despite winning the no confidence vote the only 4 replies you need The Poke

Theresa May clings onto power today after she won the Tory party vote of no confidence by 200 votes to 117.

Time-travelling Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the prime movers against her, accepted the result but said the so-called prime minister should resign anyway.

Heres what he told the BBC.

And here really are the only 4 replies you need to that.

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20:00

A YouTuber has gone viral after her henna freckles experiment went hilariously wrong The Poke

After seeing the results Instagrammer @uglysxegirl had achieved when applying freckles using henna, YouTuber, Naomi Jon decided to try it for herself and film it for her fans online.

This is what inspired her



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18:34

18 times peoples names hilariously matched their professions The Poke

Theres a theory that someones name can have a great influence on what job they eventually do, for instance someone called Mr. Baker could end up making bread, Miss Brewer could be drawn to producing beer and Mr Dick could, in time, become a traffic warden. The theory is known as nominative determinism.

Oddly enough, the theory holds some water, as these 18 people show.

1. The firefighter

2. The neurologist

3. The lawyer

4. The water expert

5. The charity worker

6. The cashier
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18:00

David Dimbleby to Regenerate as Fiona Bruce NewsBiscuit

Fans of Question Time on BBC are looking forward to the highly anticipated regeneration scene this festive period. David Dimbleby announced he was leaving the show earlier this year prompting rumours that The Chairman would become a female for the first time in the programmes history.

I am hoping this breathes some life into the format, stated Emma Jones, a devout Timevian from Cardiff. It has become ever so predictable since this Brexit storyline started a few years back. The writers keep trying to add drama by having people shout the will of the people, get on with it but it is becoming dull now, they badly need a new catchphrase. Also, the latest villain, Mrs May, is so unrealistic, why would so many people support someone so incompetent? It just wouldnt happen in real life!

Some fans are worried about what has happened to The Chairmans partners. Dan Smith from Chichester is concerned a regular has been written out. They introduced this Farage character a while back who appeared in quite a lot of episodes. Apparently he was integral to the Brexit storyline and some even say he was the origin of that storyline. I find it surprising he has been written out before we have a conclusion to it, though a mate from work reckons he is about to be brought back, I cant wait to see what mischievous nonsense he gets up to next.

The introduction of a female Chairman has not been without controversy, some fans have questioned the need for such a change in direction. Chris Johnson from Canterbury commented: The Chairman has always been a man, its political correctness gone mad. Next they will be doing stories about Rosa Parks and how Britain caused the partition of India, crazy!

                                                                                                                                                                                     acidcirus

17:30

People are sharing their favourite jokes these 35+ are absolute crackers The Poke

If theres one thing we all need right now, its a laugh and less news okay, thats two things, but its nearly Christmas and we can all dream. Theres probably nothing we can do about the frenetic news cycle, but thanks to composer and funny man, Nick Harvey, we can all have a laugh.

He recently asked people to do something:

So, they did, and these are just 35 of the many very funny replies.

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16:46

Beautiful Sunny Day Nothing But Infuriating Strip Of Glare On Gamers Monitor The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Climate scientists are not the only group unhappy with the warmer weather as video game enthusiast Joseph Creen (19) expresses his distaste for this beautiful sunny day that is causing an infuriating strip of glare to fall across his gaming monitor. Being told from a young age he could do anything, Creen []

The post Beautiful Sunny Day Nothing But Infuriating Strip Of Glare On Gamers Monitor appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:30

Senator Canavan Begins Destroying Adani Paper Trail Ahead Of Federal Anti-Corruption Body The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Its been all stations go at the Federal Resources Ministers office today. With Scott Morrison announcing a new federal anti-corruption body this morning, the Resources Minister Matt Canavan and his staff have been getting on the front foot. Labor, the Greens and minor parties have long campaigned for a corruption watchdog, and in the []

The post Senator Canavan Begins Destroying Adani Paper Trail Ahead Of Federal Anti-Corruption Body appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:26

Fitzroy Girl With Half-Hearted Plans To Live In London Absolutely Heartbroken About Brexit The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young woman from the trendy suburb of Fitzroy has spoken to The Advocate today about just why the whole Brexit thing hurts so much. The film student called Marsha Whish-Worthington from Melbournes equivalent of Betootas French Quarter told us that the breaking away of the United Kingdom from the EU is a sign of []

The post Fitzroy Girl With Half-Hearted Plans To Live In London Absolutely Heartbroken About Brexit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:27

Haha Wimps Says Australias Parliament The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The two major political parties in Australia have confirmed today that theyve been very entertained by the events in the UK over the last 24 hours. Speaking to The Advocate a short time ago, the two partys leaders said there has been a bit of laughter about whats transpired in the halls of Westminster. Prime []

The post Haha Wimps Says Australias Parliament appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:12

Leftie Baby Boomer Refers To Morrison As A Bloody Drongo The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A French Quarter retiree has labelled the nations Prime Minister a bloody drongo this morning. The 69-year-old husband, father and grandfather named Arthur Wallace did so in an effort to sound like an everyman during a conversation with his barista this morning. While the conversation of politics was raised for some reason during []

The post Leftie Baby Boomer Refers To Morrison As A Bloody Drongo appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:12

Tony Abbott Reportedly Behind Failed British Leadership Spill The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news out of London, it can be revealed that the Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott was the chief agitator in the UKs leadership challenge from overnight. This news comes after Theresa May successfully survived a no-confidence vote to remain Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. With the British government []

The post Tony Abbott Reportedly Behind Failed British Leadership Spill appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:37

Peter Dutton Loses UK Leadership Spill The Shovel

Peter Dutton will not become Britains next Prime Minister after failing to realise how the countrys political system works. He received zero votes.

Mr Dutton earlier said he had the numbers to topple Prime Minister Theresa May, seemingly unaware of the fact that he is ineligible to run for British parliament. I have the majority support of the British Conservative Party, Mr Dutton said, before polling absolutely no votes.

Earlier, Senator Matthias Cormann threw his support behind Mr Dutton in bold a last-minute move that saw Mr Dutton receiving zero votes.

After careful consideration, and a meticulous analysis of the numbers, I have decided that Mr Dutton will be elected the next Prime Minister of Britain, Mr Cormann said before todays vote, in which Mr Dutton received zero of a possible 317 votes.

Despite the decisive defeat, Mr Dutton has not ruled out a future challenge.

08:25

South Australias Space Agency Win Promises Faster Ways To Escape Adelaide

space

South Australians are rejoicing at this weeks announcement that the new Australian Space Agency will be based there, providing much-needed hope of a faster way to escape Adelaide.

During the announcement Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he thought South Australians were already well prepared for long trips into space. Because of their lack of faith in coal they have already adapted to long periods of complete darkness, he said.

Adelaide residents interviewed by the (un)Australian denied wanting to abandon their city. Modbury resident Lyn Crochet said, Most of us only want to be out of town between the chequered flag of the Adelaide 500 Supercars in March and the opening night of the Adelaide Fringe Festival the following February. An absence of just 11 months per year.

Not everyone is happy the new space agency will be based in Adelaide. While South Australia is already home to innovative satellite start-ups that are helping farmers and oceanographers world-wide, other states have complained that their own world-changing applications of space technology were overlooked by the selection panel.

* Victoria proposed a series of satellites over the Yarra to locate remaining oBikes.

* The Northern Territory was knocked back on a proposal to use satellites to detect crocodiles in the main street of Darwin.

* Queensland was unsuccessful in its bid to distribute the quotes of Bob Katter in all eight dimensions of the universe.

* The ACT was judged every bit as boring as Adelaide, but lost points because most Canberrans are already space-cadets.

* NSW declined to bid, fear...

03:36

Spotify Free User Names Get in the Zone Autozone as Best Song of 2018 The Hard Times

TUCSON, Ariz. Local music critic and Spotify free user Jill Nesbitt named Get in the Zone Autozone as the best song of 2018 on her first year-end list since using the streaming service, sources close to the frugal woman confirmed.

When I first heard the song, I just thought it was really annoying, said Nesbitt, who surprised even herself crowning the four-second song as the best of 2018. But after I heard it roughly 2,360 times, it started to grow on me when I caught myself singing along, I realized it was really just a perfect pop song: short, simple, catchy, and empowering.

I will get in the zone, added Nesbitt. I do it all the time. And once Im there, I never want to leave.

Despite the honor, the people behind the song seemed unaffected.

Yeah, our commercials have always been a big part of our business. So I guess its pretty cool someone enjoyed the jingle, said Autozone communications liaison Curtis Warren. But, hey while youre here, can I tell you about our winter tire sale? Buy three tires and get the fourth free! Any brand, any size.

They also come with a six year warranty, and can handle whatever conditions Mother Nature throws at them, added Warren.

Unfortunately, Leora Englehardt, the songwriter behind highly rated Get in the Zone Autozone jingle, also seemed underwhelmed by the distinction.

Dont get me wrong: I appreciate any and all forms of support, said Englehardt. But that song took me about four minutes to write. I spent the past three years working on a solo album I released this year, but nobody seems to give a shit. Couldnt she pick a song off of that to at least make her top 10? Feel free to pass my name along to her so she can check it out.

Following the announcement, Nesbitt teased the release of her Best Films of 2018 list. While the author has proven her capacity for a shocking upset, most expect the Peloton commercials from Hulu to nab the top prize.

The post Spotify Free User Names Get in the Zone Autozone as Best Song of 2018 appeared first on The Hard Times.

03:27

This dad offered to help his teenage son learn to shave and was brutally owned The Poke

Over on Reddit a chap called AdamNRG shared the heartwarming tale of when he offered to teach his stepson a thing or two about shaving.

He noticed that his razor had been left on the floor and put two and two together. Anyway, lets hear the story from the man himself.

Nicely done, and beautifully told.

Source

The post This dad o...

03:16

Southeastern Trains thought it would be a good idea to ask its customers this. It wasnt, it really wasnt The Poke

Heres the good people of Southeastern Trains with a cunning social media wheeze for the festive period.

Can you guess what happened next? You probably can, and very entertaining it was too.

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03:02

Job ad of the week The Poke

Spotted by Redditor PostmanRoy in a local recruitment office.

Spotted this gem in the window of the local recruitment agency

And just in case thats tricky to read

This role would suit a retired but active person, white hair and beard preferable. DBS checked. Experience of animal husbandry required specifically with reindeer.

Full/clean sleigh driving licence a must. Must be available 24th December for night shift. Must have valid passport for international travel. Uniform provided.

Salary mince pies and sherry

Nicely done by all concerned. Surprised it doesnt mention elf and safety, though.

Source

The post Job ad of the week appeared first on The Poke.

02:51

This mans story of a cat that got stuck in his car engine is the heart-warming tale we all need right now The Poke

In non-Brexit news hurrah! this doctors story of a cat that got stuck in his car engine went viral because its a pretty remarkable read.

...

02:17

Goddamn Lets Play Has Talking The Hard Times

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa   A YouTube Lets Play video of Hollow Knight, being used for the purposes of consultation and education, was revealed to feature a running audio commentary from its author, a detail that the viewer in question described as really fucking annoying.

Hey guys! Welcome to part six of my Hollow Knight walkthrough! began YouTuber user Drawn_this_Way, shortly before the video was muted. Look at these bugs in this game. I feel like Im in a New York City apartment. Oh shit, am I like gonna have to fight this guy? He looks like a butt bug.

YouTube viewer Vic Fredfield was reportedly disappointed to learn that the video he had selected arbitrarily from the field of search results not only wasnt the intended chapter of gameplay he had been seeking guidance on, but also featured a man seemingly devoid of any actual sense of humor doing a series of voices and noises.

I was trying to figure out where I had lost my way, so I found a video with a lot of views, said Fredfield. And I was pretty bummed to realize it was one with talking. Are people watching this tit for his commentary? And if they are, why does he stop for minutes at a time when hes stuck on something? This game has a wonderful soundtrack, why do I have to listen to this nerd bend over backwards on top of it?

Finding similar predicaments with several other walkthroughs uploaded by different YouTube users, Fredfield eventually returned the first video he had found.

Every goddamn one of these has talking, he reported. So whatever. At least this guy has his mic settings figured out. Ill just mute it and try to find the video that shows the part Im at.

The popular YouTube content creator received the news of his audio dismissal with hurt feelings and a plea for his alienated audience member.

He muted me? Aw man! said Drawn_this_Way, upon being informed. Are you still in touch with him? Would you ask him to like and subscribe please?

The post Goddamn Lets Play Has Talking appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:00

Mays exit strategy for car proves to be flawed NewsBiscuit

Prime Minister Theresa May today ran into trouble with the process of exiting her car, despite having assured people that it would be a simple process everyone would be happy with.

Finding her own door wouldnt open, she asked travelling companion Arlene Foster if shed mind letting her out on her side. Unfortunately, Foster made several unreasonable demands in return for her help, insisting that the car should belong to her from now on, but with Sinn Fein paying for petrol, road tax and insurance.

May then sought help from an EU official standing on the pavement, but he replied that the backstop arrangement whereby he used the doors exterior handle could only be triggered at a time of the EUs choosing.

She finally turned to Dave the chauffeur, who said that she couldnt blame him because it was only his job to driver her to the meeting Mrs Merkel, no to service th car, before adding: Though to be honest, the problem might be some paint got in the locks when my mate Boris was graffiting some random numbers on the side.

01:45

Punk Bands Most Influential Material Is Yelp Review of Local Taqueria The Hard Times

BERKELEY, Calif. Bay Area punk band The Guts have released their most influential material since their inception 10 years ago: an online review of El Rey Tacos in Los Angeles, longtime supporters of the band confirmed.

Im not saying their music isnt important to me, said self-proclaimed #1 Guts fan Brendon Walters, who ranked the Yelp review higher than the bands multiple studio albums. But through their five-star review for El Rey, I learned they had the best carne asada nachos in southern California and their wish dishes can be made vegan. I mean, it changed my life forever I have a wedding in L.A. next month, so this saves me a lot of Googling.

Guts fans and casual Yelp users alike claimed they would never have eaten at the small restaurant had the band not collectively reviewed the insanely good al pastor tacos, ample parking, and 24-hour service.

A bunch of kids came up to tell me how much the chicharron meant to them I thought it was an early song of ours I forgot about, said Guts guitarist Mike Davis. Finally, someone complimented the sample platter and I figured out what was going on. I guess I should be touched we affected so many lives but I was kinda hoping it would be through our music.

For their part, the owners of El Rey Tacos expressed their appreciation for the bands work.

The Guts literally saved my life, owner and head cook Carlos Garcia said with tears in his eyes. We were two weeks away from having to close when they posted that review. All of a sudden, all these punk kids started coming out. I can finally pay for my mothers dialysis.

Following their groundbreaking work, rumors are swirling that the Guts are working on a follow-up review of a yet-unnamed all-day breakfast spot in San Francisco.

The post Punk Bands Most Influential Material Is Yelp Review of Local Taqueria appeared first on The Hard Times.

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