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Sunday, 14 October

01:00

Yellow Pages rebrands as Yellow Page NewsBiscuit

Yellow Pages has decided that the time has come for a rebranding, to fit in with its contemporary slimline look and will henceforth be known as Yellow Page. Once a breezeblock sized tome and the chief source of information on local business phone numbers, the publication has been steadily shrinking ever since the dawn of the internet, along with the use of phone numbers and local businesses.

As well as cheaper production costs, the new Yellow Page will be much easier to fit through a letterbox, and also much easier to tear up, allowing 95% of the UK population to be able to claim that they are incredibly strong.

Inevitably with our move to one side of A4 we have to sacrifice some of the text, says Yellow Pages CEO Ruth Jones, so the plan is simply to put the address of our website in 36 point and leave it at that.

00:45

Mathcore Band Converts 6.2 Pitchfork Review Into B+ AV Club Review The Hard Times

ST. PAUL, Minn. Mathcore band The David Hilbert Filter Box has successfully converted the harsh 6.2 Pitchfork review of their debut EP into a B+ AV Club review using their newly developed Review Exchange Formula (REF), sources confirmed.

Using this formula, we were able to turn a bullshit review into a summary of our untapped potential, said Darian Thomas, the bands lead guitarist and trianglist. We spent a lot of time on this EP, and Pitchfork really took the wind out of our sails. Luckily, our REF yields a much more favorable B+ AV Club review. Thats something I can really share on Facebook.

Developed in the bands rehearsal space, Thomas conceived of the method after reading hundreds of unfavorable Pitchfork reviews of albums highly rated across other outlets.

The hardest parts of the equation are the variables: things like the age of the Pitchfork reviewer, and what they rated In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Once you have that info you can properly convert any review, said Thomas, illustrating the formula on a chalkboard. Some of the worst Pitchfork reviews get converted as high as an NME 8/10, Rolling Stone 3.5 Stars, or 17 pirate flags out of 20 in my friend Nicks zine.

Once ready for the public, Thomas demonstrated the results to a gathering of poorly reviewed peers.

A Pitchfork review by Alex Flanergy of our album, An Everlasting Ionic Presicipace, unfairly stated, Despite some progressive soundscapes, this EP ends up dragging under the weight of its own pretension. The four-person guitar breakdown to an auto-tuned Isaac Newton quote did not sell, said Thomas. But, once converted, the AV Clubs Patrick Emerson noted, This album reveals The David Hilbert Filter Box to be the potential mainstream shepherds of mathcore. If Leonhard Euler were alive today, hed think this is sick as fuck, in his B+ review.

Using REF, 2 out of 3 of our members are swiped right on 20 percent more on Tinder, swore Jim Lamont, who plays the bands 8-bit synth. And we played a bunch of covers at Jacob Alpersteins Bar Mitzvah they were called complete shit by the grandparents, but they got converted to kind of fun by four of the teenagers present.

The post Mathcore Band Converts 6.2 Pitchfork Review Into B+ AV Club Review appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Saturday, 13 October

22:00

Grime is shite claims new report NewsBiscuit

It has emerged today that Grime Music is pure shite according to a report commissioned on behalf of the BPI.

Author of the study, Professor Darius Morgan, from the Royal College of Music said: When asked to undertake this project I had major reservations about my preconceptions on this genre. I had more than an inkling that perhaps Grime was shite but I wanted to be dispassionate and totally professional in my assessment as part of the evaluation process. It was imperative that I did so to ensure a fair conclusion.

But in the event I neednt have worried because after undertaking the research it turned out that I was completely correct. We found without any shadow of a doubt incontrovertible evidence proving Grime is definitely pure, and what is more, utter utter utter shite.

The Met Polices senior officers have welcomed the reports findings arguing the music has criminal undertones, as the message often contained within the lyrics is disturbing and encourages crimes of drug abuse and extreme violence creating major problems in many areas of the Capital. One high ranking office stating: We need to be tough on Grime, tough on the causes of Grime.

Calls are now coming from many quarters for a curb of the genre on YouTube and other social media platforms where it can be freely listened to.

But Grime musicians, Bastard Crew, have been quick to hit back. That shite jibe is shit, know what Im saying, says their leader, trainee accountant David Potter from Watford. This professor and the cops know Jack about our music, man. And as for it being a crime in itself, have they never heard Olly Murs?

hat-tip Titus

20:00

Back to the Future prequel to be made retrospectively NewsBiscuit

25 years after the hit movie, Back to the Future, scientists at CERN have discovered time travellers from the real future have already made a prequel to the film, which was secretly released ten years before the 1989 original, but vanished, due to its own illogicality.

Experimental physicist Professor Mike Smythe commented: Back to the Future 0 directed by the yet to be born Phyllis Smithers, features some amazing predictions, many of which have or will come true, including cordless phones, frozen food, Gareth Bale and Shake n Vac.  One key prediction will be and was that a quite unremarkable film from 1989 would enjoy an undeserved revival, so that crap hacks can bang on about hoverboards, Deloreans and the Smash potato advert, when they should be writing about the real future which will be the end of humanity due to war and climate change and is predicted to happen just after the next Bond movie but one.

Professor Smythe continued: What these movies show without doubt is that time is not, as we have always considered it, a continuum of events measured by mechanical devices and dictated by planetary functions.  Its more of an invisible blue substance with a texture like egg custard, in the shape of a Mobius doughnut, some of it as big as a double decker bus.

15:52

Woman Buys Game Just to Understand Memes The Hard Times

I have played countless hours of first person and third person shooters, so its just totally baffling that when I see gameplay footage of Overwatch that I feel like Im reading a book in a foreign language, McNamara told reporters after finally purchasing the game. Overwatch never really looked that interesting to me, but Im so fucking sick of seeing random pictures with captions like When Junkrat ults but you Genji that I was like fuck it, I will devote time and money into understanding what the fuck is coming across my Twitter feed.

According to Blizzard Entertainment, a sheer 73% of Overwatch sales are made approximately three minutes after the buyer views a highlight video on the front page of Reddit.

Most people see a Twitch clip of what looks like a guy jumping around and getting a few kills and theyre like Why does this have 30,000 upvotes? Why is everyone praising this clip? What the fuck is going on? explained Blizzard sales analyst Steven Joseph. Thats really our bread and butter when it comes to sales.

Everyone wants to feel like theyre a part of a group, and we really prey on that here at Blizzard. If you see some Fortnite event and theres a highlight reel, you dont have to play the game to understand whats going on. Some guys build some stairs, then they pull out a shotgun and shoot the other guy. Victory royale, Joseph continued. But when 17,000 people show up at the Barclay Center to watch some kids play Overwatch, cheering as a bunch of goofy characters jumping up and down on a slowly moving car you feel like a fucking idiot. And you buy our game.

Close sources report that McNamara is already starting to get a handle on the Overwatch memes that she once could not crack.

...

14:55

Inner-City Leftie Still Furious Opera House Promoted Everest Race Which Will Take Place 4:15 PM At Randwick In Case You Didnt Know About It The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local inner-city leftie Byle Flush (29) says that he knows theres a lot more to be outraged about right now, but he still cant get over the fact that the Sydney Opera House promoted a horse race over the weekend. Byle says that while he has never stepped foot inside the iconic state-owned []

The post Inner-City Leftie Still Furious Opera House Promoted Everest Race Which Will Take Place 4:15 PM At Randwick In Case You Didnt Know About It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:55

GPs to be replaced by vending machines NewsBiscuit

For as little as 20p patients will soon be able to shove their head, limb, or genitals into a hole and have a vending machine assess a range of medical conditions.

In a bold move to address the crisis in GP services, the government has announced a multi-million pound investment in diagnostic vending machines. Kwik-Sick machines will be placed in workplace canteens and train stations across the UK.

Modelled on popular coffee and snack vendors, the new machines will have a series of holes into which customers can stick a body part for an instant diagnosis of flu, piles, or brain tumour. Holes will come in a range of sizes and will be set at different heights to accommodate a diverse patient population. Having stuck your body part into a hole the vending machine will then print out a diagnosis. If the machine fails to print out, it will need to be kicked and thumped repeatedly.

The government believes Kwik-Sick is a cost-effective alternative to GPs because each one contains an underpaid and poorly trained diagnostic advisor who crouches inside and examines body parts as they are poked through. In a further innovation, prospective patients will first need to input their basic details into a gatekeeping vending machine which will announce that  The GP vending machine will allow you to access it next Thursday week at 9:30am..

GPs have reacted in a typically Luddite fashion and condemned the new service outright. They point out that children with saucepans stuck on their heads could receive electric shocks. However, the Health Minister has expressed his full confidence in the new technology and its preferred supplier, Bodyparts International Plc.

Myke, Hat-tip Titus

06:57

Dad Who Saw Zeppelin Drops Disappointment of Son off at Concert for Band Named Real Friends The Hard Times

SAN FRANCISCO Greg Franken, local embarrassed and disappointed father, dropped off his son at some sort of nerd convention for a band named Real Friends, sources who saw Led fucking Zeppelin confirmed today.

According to reports, Franken refused to get near the entrance of August Hall on Oct 25th, opting to drop off his son down the street instead.

Jesus Christ, are these the people who convinced my son its cool to be a #sadboi? Franken said after seeing a flyer for the show. I saw Zeppelin. Led fucking Zeppelin. Now that sounds like a rock band. Real Friends sounds like the theme to a little girls birthday party.

What is he even sad about? Franken added about his son. We are upper middle class and the kid hasnt worked a day in his life. All four of his grandparents are alive. Im serious, I cannot think of a single hardship he has faced.

According to a series of Snapxhat stories, Alex Franken doesnt take his dads music criticism all that serious.

My dad is kinda stuck in his ways, but I played him a Real Friends song in the car without telling him who it was and he loved it, the younger Franken said. I dont think he even saw Zeppelin. Before my mom left she would spit right in his face and say he was a little dork boy.'

I get laid all the time, he added.

August Hall and The Hard Times present Real Friends Oct 25th at August Hall in San Francisco. Click here for tickets. 

The post Dad Who Saw Zeppelin Drops Disappointment of Son off at Concert for Band Named Real Friends appeared first on The Hard Tim...

06:50

US reported mulling application of Khashoggi case to Assange TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mr. Trump, concerned over an arms sales deal with Saudi Arabia worth $110billion, is being cautious over the Jamal Khashoggi case. An investigation with teeth in it could interrupt his friendship with the Saudis and affect arms deals down the road...

03:45

Uncontacted Tribe Hasnt Even Heard About Banksys Self-Destructing Painting Yet The Hard Times

JAKARTA, Indonesia The uncontacted people of the Teriku tribe are the last-known living humans yet to hear of Banksys self-destructing painting stunt from earlier this week, experts confirmed.

When I study these tribes, I can see exactly how they live without western agricultural practices and electricity but I do not understand how nobody told them yet about how Banksy totally boned some anonymous art collector, said Chris Randall, a budding anthropologist at Stanford University. Personally, I cant go an hour without my phone, and it seems like the whole world has Banksy on the brain.

Even the most seasoned anthropologists were shocked by the discovery.

For years, we have had remote cameras set up to monitor the health and well-being of the Teriku and when we checked up on them after the Banksy prank, it looked like business as usual, said Dr. Brianna Price, a pioneer in Indonesian anthropological studies. It made no sense. Not once did someone stop and randomly say, Hey, did you see that shredded painting thing?

The discovery led Price to wonder about the cultural fallout for a tribe potentially unaware of Banksy at all.

How will they learn all of the moral lessons found in Banksys work? Price said. Without access to pieces like Mobile Romance, how will they learn about the dangers of technology and social media? Its my practice to never judge any undiscovered tribe, but this is just sad.

Already, concerned citizens from the industrialized West hope to raise awareness of satirical street art within the tribe.

It is time for somebody to intervene and help these desperate people, said Drew Keeling, founder of the activist group Banksy Without Borders, which shows indigenous tribespeople screenshots of Banksy pieces as part of its mission. These tribes cannot live like this. Its inhumane they need access to hot food, and even hotter takes on globalism!

At press time, the Tariku were hurling spears at a group of art student missionaries carrying copies of Banksys book Wall and Piece.

The post Uncontacted Tribe Hasnt Even Heard About Banksys Self-Destructing Painting Yet appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:32

Opinion: I Accept My Sons Decision to Be Openly Gay. I Just Dont Buy Him as a Top The Hard Times

When our son Terry told us he was coming home from college for the weekend to tell us something my wife and I had a pretty good idea of what it was. Terry had always been different. I could never get him into sports, he never showed interest in girls, etc. I grew up in a strict catholic household and was raised on very traditional values. In the back of my mind I always knew this day was coming and it terrified me because I honestly didnt know how I would react. But sometimes you surprise yourself. As our son stood in front of us and delivered his years rehearsed speech about no longer being able to live a lie and needing to be who he was, all that I felt was pride. I was so proud of our gay son.

All of that changed when his lover, Keith, made a joke about Terry wearing the pants in the relationship during dinner.

Are you kidding me? There is no WAY my son is a fucking top.

I have to say I am disappointed. I thought that raising my children in the church would instill them with morality but evidently that didnt work. By presenting himself to the rest of the world as the dominant half of a gay couple my son is commiting one of the greatest sins in the eyes of God. My son is lying.

Terry is the kid who flinches when you toss something to him underhand. His sister used to let him paint her nails because he was so good at it. You expect me to believe that my son, the same son who threw a god damned conniption fit when he couldnt find a scarf to match the shirt he wanted to wear, has the MACHISMO to take a grown man, bend him over and fuck him in the ass? Son, I call bullshit.

I am trying my best to be open minded, but I look at my son and I look at Keith and I just think this is wrong. Keith clearly works out. Keith was on the wrestling team in high school. Keith could drop my son in a fight in five seconds flat. Keith should be the top. My son is a power bottom at best.

When I think about gay sex and I think about the guy fucking the other guy I think man, that guys has gotta be TOUGH. Like REAL tough. Trying to picture that tough guy as my son? Im sorry, that just doesnt work for me.

It just kills me to see that after all this time Terry is still living a lie. It must come from his mothers side of the family. All of the gay men on my side conformed to their given stereotypes, dammit.

The post Opinion: I Accept My Sons Decision to Be Openly Gay. I Just Dont Buy Him as a Top appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:00

Government appoints Minister for National Suicide Prevention NewsBiscuit

Theresa May has announced that some obscure MP who you really dont need to bother looking up is to be its first Minister for National Suicide Prevention. The appointment was revealed to coincide with World Mental Health Day, which everyone agreed was really quite appropriate in a country that is apparently determined to kill itself.

National suicide is a growing problem, said Mrs May. In 2016, no fewer than 17.8 million British people decided they wanted to take their own countrys life. We want to bring an end the stigma that has forced so many people to suffer in silence well all right, not silence. National suicide doesnt just affect the people involved directly, it affects everyone, especially their grandchildren.

According to campaigners, the national suicide problem has grown out of control, particularly among the elderly and others who dont like darkies. Many British people are now irrationally determined to bring the UKs life to an end for no better reason than the colour of a passport they will be unable to afford to use or the chance to eat spam fritters like they would have done in the war, if they had been born ten years earlier.

We are determined to bring the rate of national suicide down, added Mrs May. Thats why I am tasking [insert name here] to head this new department. Plus, with the Brexit dividend we can add to our budget next year, I anticipate being able to offer the Samaritans a further 10 million to continue their why are you all looking at me like that?

Dismissing the announcement as a cheap political stunt, Labours Chuka Umunna said: Its not a Minister for National Suicide Prevention we need, its a proper strategy to tackle Career Suicide. Like the kind we committed when we elected Corbyn leader, for example.

00:48

17 funniest things people said about the royal wedding The Poke

It was probably the least royal royal wedding anyone can remember (although, to be fair, we cant remember too many).

But there had to be something worthwhile about Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank getting married (apart from them being really happy together, obviously). And there was these 17 things that people spotted on their big day.

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00:45

Guitarist Really Hoping to Get Cool New Profile Pic out of Tonights Show The Hard Times

BOSTON Raw Sex guitarist Steve Dyer hopes to land a fucking awesome photo of him playing at a show later this week to potentially serve as his new Facebook profile pic, excited sources confirmed.

As long as the photographer does their job, Im guaranteed at least a few options for Facebook, said the 31-year-old Dyer. Girls dig guitarists, and a shot of me just rocking out will be a great representation of my charismatic nature.

Other members of Raw Sex are reportedly happy for their friend and bandmate if not as overwhelmingly enthusiastic for the opportunity.

He started playing music last year. This is his third show ever, and the first where photos will be taken, said drummer Brandon Vallee. I have, like, eight or nine really cool profile pics of me drumming that I can hang my hat on and some are in venues that look kind of big from the angle they were shot. He doesnt have anything like that, so were really excited for him.

Facebook analytics director Erin Stansberry noted the average Facebook profile pic can garner upward of 20-40 reactions, depending on variables like friend count and time-of-day posted, but offered additional optimism for Dyer.

Once you get past the limits of Facebooks algorithms, it will have a lot to do with angle and venue size, she explained. Hes going to want create the illusion that the band is more important than it is, so he and the photographer should discuss a game plan before a single shot is taken to achieve the maximum amount of likes possible.

Dyer acknowledged he is at the mercy of Facebooks algorithms, but remained hopeful.

I got a haircut for this and slapped on a fresh pack of Ernie Ball power slinkys, he admitted. I dont wanna get cocky, but yeah, I think Im looking at between 70 and 90 likes by this time tomorrow.

When reached for comment, local photographer Litza Hurley, well-known for snapping live photos that would go on to serve as Facebook pics for countless Boston scenesters, responded, That is not why I do this. She declined to comment further.

Photo By Matt Gill @matthewphilipgill.

The post Guitarist Really Hoping to Get Cool New Profile Pic out of Tonights Show appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Friday, 12 October

23:55

LBC listeners reckon this is James OBriens funniest (and scariest) call yet The Poke

LBC listeners reckon this Brexit fan who rang in to speak to James OBrien is the presenters funniest (and scariest) yet.

Basically its him asking How is Brexit going to improve your life? over and over again and the poor chaps struggle to answer it.

Enjoy.

Source

The post LBC listeners reckon this is James OBriens funniest (and scariest) call yet appeared first on The Poke.

22:55

Just 25 really funny jokes from the last week The Poke

If this week had been in a TV show, wed say it was far fetched. The President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker, mocked Theresa May by dancing badly, Kanye West had lunch with Donald Trump because thats a thing now and Princess Eugenies sister read an excerpt from a book about deceit, infidelity and violent death, at the latest royal wedding. Meanwhile, these people on Twitter made us laugh and we think theyll do the same for you.

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22:48

Conor McGregor Suspended For Being A Complete And Utter Twat TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Fresh from his recent stunning defeat at the hands of the Russian, Khabib Nurmagomedov, former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, Conor McGregor, has been suspended from all forms of fighting, for being a complete and utter twat. This inc...

22:01

People want to know what Kanye West showed Donald Trump on his phone the only 13 guesses you need to see The Poke

Rapper Kanye West conducted an astonishing conversation with President Donald Trump in the White House, criticising people who use overseas manufacturers, whilst wearing a cap made in China. At one point, he leant across the table to show his close friend, Donald, something on his phone.

Of course, theres been a lot of speculation about what he wanted to share, including these 13 unlikely but hilarious possibilities.

1.


via

2.


via

3.


via

4.

...

22:00

Great British Menu slammed pretentious by Fire Chief NewsBiscuit

Fire Crews were called to the set of BBCs most ludicrous food show to date, Great British Menu, when one dish caused a major emergency and very nearly burnt the studio to the ground.

Chef, Paul Champion, one of the finalists was recreating his heat-winning dish entitled Vesuvius Erupting in a Lake of Compassion in Grans Fading Mind, paying homage to the NHS and its workers, when things went badly wrong.

I had just sprinkled shavings of unicorn penis and testicles over the heritage irradiated wasp antennae powder, explains a shaken Paul, then fired up the army surplus flamethrower to meld them together, before finishing the dish off in a bath of liquid hydrogen super-chilled tree bark jus.

But unfortunately the thrower was set on full and a thirty-foot long flame immediately shot across the kitchen licking the back of Matthew Forts jacket which lit up like a Christmas tree. Luckily he managed to throw it off before he was badly burnt, but unfortunately it landed on top of a red-hot vat of sunflower oil simmering on top of my particle accelerator and the whole place went up!

Chief Fire Officer, Reg Knaphill, who headed up the team that eventually brought the blaze under control was less than pleased when speaking to reporters. What is the matter with these idiots? Cant they just cook sausage, mash and baked beans like bloody normal people do instead of dicking about with this kind of stupid and pretentious highfalutin nonsense?

I am sick of this sort of thing. Its becoming far too frequent an occurrence and is endangering the lives of my officers. If you ask me Heston Blumenthal has a lot to answer for. Molecular Gastronomy? Molecular Gastronomy my arse!

21:49

What happens to this womans hat is the best thing youll see at todays royal wedding The Poke

Just in case you missed Princess Eugenies wedding to Jack Brooksbank how could you? this was without doubt the most entertaining thing to happen during the whole thing.

Seriously, look at it go!

Fetch that!

This guys nailed it.

READ MORE

The BBCs subtitlers just made an epic boob at Princess Eugenies wedding

Source

The post...

21:38

The BBCs subtitlers just made an epic boob at Princess Eugenies wedding The Poke

Its not easy doing the subtitles to a live TV event and sometimes what you write wont quite match with what was said.

Except some mistakes will be more embarrassing than others, like this one during the BBCs coverage of Princess Eugenies wedding to Jack Brooksbank today.

not sure. What a beautiful breasts. Absolutely fitting her.

We think they probably meant to say dress.

And this guy checked it so its definitely true.

...

21:26

Not quite as many people turned up for Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank as did for the other royal wedding The Poke

Our thanks to the great Scott Bryan for drawing attention to the crowds for Princess Eugenies wedding to Jack Brooksbank today, compared to the people who turned out for Harry and Meghan earlier this year.

Eugenie and Jack:

Harry and Meghan:

Hmm, too close to call, surely?

20:30

If our science teacher was as entertaining as this wed have paid more attention The Poke

Every one of these experiments by a chap called ElectroBoom is more entertaining than the last.

Good news for us, bad news for his fingertips.

20:17

People have been following this sexy Halloween formula and these 37 are ghoulishly brilliant The Poke

The nights are getting colder, the mornings are getting darker and the shops are full of sweets being sold at twice the usual price because theres a picture of a cobweb on the packet, which can only mean one thing Halloween is on the way.

Naturally, people are starting to think about what they should wear for the occasion; Im going with an ensemble I like to call my own clothes and an air of unapproachability, but some people might prefer to take the advice of voice artist, writer and funny person, @SummerRay.

Its a simple formula, yet it presents so many wonderful possibilities, like these ones.

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20:15

Toilet Was 'Out Of Order', But Man Was Desperate TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A toilet that was displaying an 'Out Of Order' sign was the scene of an unsavoury incident in Hull recently, when a man who was shopping in the city centre realized he was desperate for a babber. Moys Kenwood, 55, was ambling vacantly around the P...

20:02

Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbanks wedding will feature a spectacular self-own The Poke

Princess Eugenie and Google, Google Jack Brooksbank are getting married today and we hope they are very happy together.

But we cant help but wonder if the ceremony at Windsor Castle might feature a spectacular (and entirely appropriate, you might think) self-own after it was announced it would include this.

And this is what people made of that.

...

20:00

Ventnor corner shop abandons one child policy NewsBiscuit

The only one child at a time policy in Smythes corner shop in Leeson Road has been abandoned after 30 years in place. Originally our one child policy was accused of being anti human rights, said Derek Smythe. But our prosperity rose, especially where pick and mix was concerned, as a result of decreased pilferage.

Mr Smythe cited a downturn in global trading conditions for the change of heart: Chinas slowdown has resulted in a growing threat to our economy, with the international trade in bulk foodstuffs becoming ever more competitive, resulting in a need for greater footfall. We have also been struck by parking restrictions in Trinity Road, the new Tesco Metro and the unexpected cancellation by Mr Smethurst of James Crescent of his regular order of Hefty Throbbers.

19:41

Public notice of the day The Poke

So many people mistook this speaker for something else that they had to stick a sign on it.

Well it does kinda look like a bin, and for Tom Greever, who shared it on Twitter, there were lessons to be learned here.

19:30

When Canadians fight on Twitter The Poke

Twitter can be a pretty miserable place sometimes but its not the same all over the world, it turns out. For example in Canada its like this and its brilliant.

It was an exchange about Donald Trump (45 the 45th president of the United States) and how someone wished they had Canadas Justin Trudeau instead.

Scottish Twitter is on a whole different level as well. Just for slightly different reasons.

Source

The post When Canadians fight on Twitter appeared first on The Poke.

19:00

This colourised footage of WW1 is blowing peoples minds The Poke

Filmmaker Peter Jacksons latest project is something quite remarkable. He takes footage from WW1, in particular from the Western Front, and colourises it and turns it into 3D.

The result is the First World War in a way that you have never seen before.

Extraordinary stuff.

18:44

Les Denniss kids did this for his birthday and you wont be able to resist doing the maths The Poke

Well this is cute. Les Dennis shared the card his kids made him for his birthday.

And dont pretend this wasnt the first thing you did when you read it.

Source

The post Les Denniss kids did this for his birthday and you wont be able to resist doing the maths appeared first on The Poke.

18:13

Kanye West accidentally revealed his iPhone password and its just perfect The Poke

The best thing about Kanye Wests visit to see Donald Trump at the White House and really, theres lots to choose from was the moment he accidentally revealed his iPhone password.

Two reasons, really, although you can probably think of more. First, that he did it so openly in front of basically the entire worlds media.

And second, the password itself. Seriously. Have a look.

Which probably explains why he likes Trump so much. Truly a meeting of intellectual equals.

18:08

How this guy got himself a pool table involves some inspirational next-level haggling The Poke

When someone spotted a pool table on Facebook Marketplace, he wanted it so much that he wasnt prepared to let the fact that it was already sold hold him back. His persuasive conversation with the seller has been viewed on Reddit more than 140,000 in the week since it was shared because well this is the most inspired haggling and has a surprising outcome.

This is how Reddit user skillerious post unfolds.

Adam makes an approach to pool table seller John, in spite of the item being shown as sold. He offers a little financial incentive to sweeten the deal.

With his offer rejected, he ups the ante.

When his higher offer is rejected he breaks out the big guns a bof of tempting Jordans Country Crisp breakfast cereal.

John is clearly on the hook he even starts explaining that the pool table might not be good enough to tempt Adam. Lets face it, its going to be hard for a pool table to come up to expectations now that Jordans Country Crisp is on the table not the actual table, obviously, just the metaphorical one.

...

17:39

Newsnight had Tommy Robinson on and people couldnt quite believe it our favourite 11 responses The Poke

BBC2s Newsnight had a question for their viewers and it concerned English Defence League founder Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (you might know him better as Tommy Robinson).

And many people couldnt believe that the programme was a) giving him a platform, and b) felt that was a question that needed answering.

Here are our favourite 11 responses.

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16:54

The best thing about Kanye Wests meeting with Donald Trump was his iPhone password The Poke

Donald Trump invited Kanye West (or Ye, as he now prefers to be known) to join him in the White House and it was just extraordinary stuff from beginning to end.

So much to talk about, but really there was only one thing you need to see. The moment he accidentally revealed his iPhone password and its perfect.

Which probably explains why he likes Trump so much. Truly a meeting of intellectual equals.

15:59

Parliament Thrown Into Chaos As Derryn Hinch Does Something Reasonable The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Editor | CONTACT The Parliament of Australia was thrown into utter chaos this week as single-issue senator Derryn Hinch awoke from his slumber and shocked everyone by doing something reasonable. Following the announcement of his plans to cut funding to private schools that discriminate against gay students, many senators were horrified to learn they agreed with []

The post Parliament Thrown Into Chaos As Derryn Hinch Does Something Reasonable appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:37

Lincoln Lewis Stars As A Young David Koch In New Teaser For Upcoming TV Mini-Series KOCHIE The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Proving once again they are innovating far more than online streaming services, Channel 7 has aired a pilot episode of their daring new biopic miniseries Kochie staring Lincoln Lewis as up-and-coming TV host David Kochie Koch. Known primarily for being a TV heartthrob and the son of a living God, Lincoln Lewis states []

The post Lincoln Lewis Stars As A Young David Koch In New Teaser For Upcoming TV Mini-Series KOCHIE appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:24

NSW Labor Leader ______ (?) Unconvincingly Announces A Position On Something The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A New South Wales politician who is not Premier Gladys Berejiklian has today revealed that he vaguely stands for something. The very-hard-to-google leader of the states Labor Party has revealed that, while his government plans on doing nothing about the rampant stranglehold that developers and the gamblng industry has on New South Wales, he []

The post NSW Labor Leader ______ (?) Unconvincingly Announces A Position On Something appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:11

Serial Schooner Killers Keen To Add To Their Tally Of Victims This Afternoon The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Its a glorious afternoon in our great south-west and two of the towns most polite and happy-go-lucky youngsters are keen to murder a few local schooners this afternoon as the soft spring sunlight warms their shoulders. Though its not the first time Lindsay Cappoof and Digby Gorilla Tits Frost have been seen looking for []

The post Serial Schooner Killers Keen To Add To Their Tally Of Victims This Afternoon appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:02

Thats Life Magazine Changes Name To Thats Fucked To More Accurately Reflect Content The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Lovers of gossip were in for a shock this week as patronisingly categorised womans magazine Thats Life changed its name to Thats Fucked in order to more correctly reflect the content. Since first going to print in 1994, Thats Life magazine has brought relevant and high impact stories such as I married my []

The post Thats Life Magazine Changes Name To Thats Fucked To More Accurately Reflect Content appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:01

Sydney Light Rail To Be Completed One Day After Entropic Death Of Universe

george st

The projected completion date of the 12 kilometer Sydney light rail project has been pushed back to one day after the heat death of the universe, in approximately 10100 years from next Wednesday.

Commuters enjoying a 35 minute faster journey from Randwick to the CBD on opening day will be doing so in a universe that has no thermodynamic free energy, so they may have to rug up a bit, said Transport Minister Andrew Constance. Our initial projected opening date of March 2019 has proven to be a tad optimistic.

Construction of the light rail has been plagued by unexpected underground hazards such as Ausgrid cables, ant nests, Morlock tunnels, giant Gippsland earthworms and a diamond mine worked by seven dwarves.

Weve only just updated our map of buried victims of mob hits and there are a lot more on the route then we originally budgeted for, admitted project foreman Tony Shovel. Fortunately life as we know it will have long ceased to exist by the time the first trams are rolling so services will have no pesky passengers slowing them down an...

14:58

Bill Cosby Jail Escape Latest TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

After what newspaper reports have already called 'The Cosby Redemption', women all across the United States were being warned to be 'extremely vigilant' this evening, after it was revealed that the jailed former comedian, Bill Cosby, had managed to o...

14:21

Catch Up With Less Successful Friend Puts Local Womans Anxieties At Ease The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After a particularly heavy week of work after a particularly heavy weekend last week, a local city worker has made time to catch up with an old friend whos largely unsuccessful in order to put her doubts about her own life at ease. Louise Pichot knew on Wednesday night that shed need []

The post Catch Up With Less Successful Friend Puts Local Womans Anxieties At Ease appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:06

PE Staff At Catholic Schools To Be Retrained To Teach Drama As Well The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Editor | CONTACT Catholic and other mildly-less-scandalous denominations across the country are reportedly retraining physical education staff to teach drama, as the private school system faces an worrying shortage of fabulous thespians. Australias religious schools have experienced a sudden and unexpected shortage of decent drama teachers in a phenomenon they believe may be linked to God, []

The post PE Staff At Catholic Schools To Be Retrained To Teach Drama As Well appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:31

Campsite Alpha Sets Up Ute Awning Before He Even Turns The Engine Off The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local outdoor recreation specialist, Luca Bouris (45) says he cant believe some of the amateurs getting around Lake Betoota this afternoon. Ummm, okay. So youre gonna set up an outdoor kitchen without any soft tile jigsaw floor mates? he laughs at his brother-in-law, he only came on this trip so his kids could []

The post Campsite Alpha Sets Up Ute Awning Before He Even Turns The Engine Off appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:11

Local Man Recuperating in Hospital TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Breastfield, Illinois. Steven Bauers, 47, was rushed to St. Jessica's Lutheran Catholic Memorial Local Hospital last Wednesday evening after emergency responders found him shaking, bleeding, and crying on his bathroom floor. Neighbors called the po...

11:22

Shane Warnes Publishers Hastily Revise Book Cover After Historic Draw In Dubai Overnight The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Twenty-four hours ago, arguably the greatest living cricketer made a series of claims and criticisms against the Australian cricket team which have since been proven to be unfounded and downright incorrect. Shane Warne lashed out at the batting line up in particular last night as he gave the tourists zero []

The post Shane Warnes Publishers Hastily Revise Book Cover After Historic Draw In Dubai Overnight appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:09

Quiz: Which McElroy Brother Are You? Justin, Travis, Griffin or Torvin, the Mouthless Horror? The Hard Times

Whats up you cool babies?! Whether theyre giving advice or playing D&D, The McElroy brothers are an endless source of fun and entertainment. Take this quiz to find out whether your older brother Justin, middlest brother Travis, the sweet baby Griffin or Torvin, the mouthless horror whose muffled screams are edited out of every episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

The post Quiz: Which McElroy Brother Are You? Justin, Travis, Griffin or Torvin, the Mouthless Horror? appeared first on The Hard Times.

10:38

Guy Standing Still In Surf Definitely Pissing The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Beachgoers are warned to not enter the water in the vicinity of an unidentified man who has been spotted standing still amongst the rolling waves and is believed to definitely be pissing. The suspected public urinator has been identified as a man with short hair, a medium build and a pair of orange []

The post Guy Standing Still In Surf Definitely Pissing appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:29

Adverbs Extremely Tired of Being Summarily Dismissed by Modern-Day Authors TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Adverbs everywhere have begun vehemently expressing their upset at what they describe as the unthinking parsimoniousness of modern-day writing, in which verbal descriptors like themselves are summarily dismissed by authors and editors. Were be...

09:55

Homeless man offers to give up doorway to help Royal couple NewsBiscuit

A homeless man from Bridgnorth has said he is willing to give up his doorway for a few nights if it helps the Royal couple with their wedding plans.

52 year-old Gulf War veteran Jason Beesley said he was saddened to hear that Princess Eugenies wedding to Jack Brooksbank had been saddled with a paltry 2m price tag and wanted to do all he could to help.

They can have my doorway for a few nights. Its not much but its all Ive got, said Jason Theyve probably already made honeymoon arrangements, but if not I can move out almost straight away. It keeps the wind and rain out and its handy for the toilets across the road, although they do shut at 5 and unsurprisingly smell of days-old urine.

I think 2m for a Royal wedding is an insult. continued Beesley. It barely buys you an open-top horse-drawn carriage and a couple of dozen footmen these days.

Some people are saying her father should pay up, but is that really fair? Hes estimated to have a substantial personal fortune of his own. Well, I say fortune but its only 65m, and I may be homeless but even I can work out that 2m from 65m would be quite a hammering.

Do you know if theyve got a dog?, enquired Beesley. If they dont want my doorway the only other thing Ive got is this length of rope I use to tie up the dog at nights. All it needs is a bit of a clean and it will come up like new.

06:28

Earliest Pumpkin Spice Latte Remains Discovered in Yakima Landfill Daily Discord

Yakima, WADr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lounge, announced the unearthing of the oldest known remains of a pumpkin spice latte under the Terrace Heights Landfill in Yakima, Washington. The remains were excavated at the early Itunes level and carbon-dated to 2003 PB (Post Beyonc). Dr. Hogbein said, The original Starbucks recipe was tested in

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Thursday, 11 October

17:40

Nancy Pelosi Unable to Say the Word "Impeachment" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an interview with various reporters, Nancy Pelosi stated, "As House Minority Leader, I believe it is not the proper course of action to respond to Judge Kavanaugh with talk of impuuuu-" Pelosi then strained her face and squirm...

11:57

Old-Testament God Creates 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Engage in Victim Blaming, You Sadistic Morons TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

WASHINGTON D.C. - Emerging from the heavens amidst a flurry of lightning and ferocious winds, the Old-Testament God, commonly known as Yahweh, descended upon the United States Congress. I am the Lord thy God, Yahweh bellowed, shaking the ground...

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Friday, 21 September

05:57

Stormy Daniels on the Presidents appendage in exclusive interview TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Investigators were able to speak to Ms. Daniels yesterday on revelations that may play a vital role in the upcoming midterm elections. That is,Ms. Daniels has declared there is some abnormality in the Presidents physiology, possibly indicating he...

05:21

Senator Ted Cruz on what to do if you're in your home and find yourself murdered by police TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In a television interview Sunday, Senator Ted Cruz offered the public some wise advice on how to react when you find yourself murdered in your own home by police.  Speaking about the recent fatal shooting of a black man in Dallas, the Senator astutel...

00:07

Purple Helmet Was Filthy Under The Rim TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

There was a wagging of tongues in the Battambang commune of Tapon this morning when it became apparent to local residents that the purple helmet of one of their number was in a particularly dirty and unhygienic state. The helmet in question, that...

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Thursday, 20 September

22:09

Red Indians to replace rednecks on Pennsylvania Avenue TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

'Alarmed and confused' about developments in their country, indigenous Americans have charged into the White House in Washington and occupied it, effectively putting an end to the Trump administration. Chief Wobbly Clod, a descendant of Crazy Hors...

09:31

Nabisco Agrees to Remove All Crackers From The U.S. Senate! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Nabisco has announced it is fed up with all the loser crackers in the Senate giving their cracker products a bad name. Amongst others, Nabisco has agreed to remove Orin Hatched, Charles Assley, Lindsey Gram, John Cornin, Ted Cruise, Ben Sassy, Jeff...

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Wednesday, 19 September

22:53

North Korea And South Korea Declare War TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The whole world was put on high alert this morning when it was announced that the two Koreas - North Korea and its neighbor in the south, South Korea - have declared war on each other. There had been high hopes of an amicable agreement yesterday w...

17:29

Sesame Street in sexy scandal! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Now we all know the world is going bananas, but the latest news from inside the Sesame Street walls to hit the outside world makes Trump look like an innocent imbecile (which, of course, he is). A sex scandal is enraging adults (are the really?),...

15:34

Sesame Street Residents React To Bert & Ernies Outing TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

It would appear that what was long suspected has finally been confirmed by a writer of the popular childrens reality television show, Sesame Street: Bert and Ernie are, in fact, a gay couple. The news shook the world, but none are more embroiled i...

08:01

Russian-FBI Collusion Part 4: The Fat Lady Sings TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

BILLINGSGATE POST: Lisa Page, the former FBI lawyer was an integral part of the Love Bird team with disgraced agent, Peter Strzok. Even though she was fashionably thin, she was given the call sign, "Fat Lady" by her smirking counterpart. "Dude,...

06:44

Trump on hurricane Florence: "If I'd been there I would have parted the seas like Charlton Heston! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In a press conference this morning, President Donald Trump, in a stunning comment, stated, regarding Hurricane Florence: "If I'd been there, I would have parted the seas like Charlton Heston did!" A NYT reporter interrupted and shouted: "In all...

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Tuesday, 18 September

22:02

Conor McGregor Has Chips Every Night For His Tea TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Conor McGregor, the former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion has allegedly told members of a panel in an interview that he loves chips, and has them every night for his tea. McGregor, 30, was appearing before the Mohegan Tribe Department...

17:15

Canadian baby squirrels create new miracle nautical knot! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Five baby squirrels who were entangled by their tails have had copies of the knots forwarded to the Global Nautical Society. The zoo keeper who eventually untangled the knots, after hours of de-knotting, is a keen part time skipper of an infamous...

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Monday, 17 September

05:17

Police on mail bandit Jane Doe: "She's quite a card!" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Milwaukee, WisconsinA 20-year-old US Postal Service worker, whom police are calling Jane Doe, admitted to having stolen over 6,000 greeting cards full of cash or checks. But it wasn't for the money, Doe insisted during her arraignment. She...

00:03

Supreme Court Nominee's Stunning Revelations TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, D. C. - Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee, has been on the hot seat for weeks. And, it gets hotter! Just being nominated by the Trumpster is enough to make him another of the Left's most hated men in America. He is a m...

Sunday, 16 September

11:38

Conor McGregor Banned From Fighting After Potatoes Found Growing Out Of His Ears TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Conor McGregor, the former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, has been suspended from all forms of fighting after potatoes were found growing in his lugoyles. McGregor, 30, the mixed martial artist, who is never far from controversy, was...

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