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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Thursday, 21 September

01:46

We suspect George Osborne may have edited this Evening Standard article on baby names The Poke

We *think* Evening Standard editor George Osborne may have used this article about the top baby names for 2016 to continue his war against Theresa May.

The post We suspect George Osborne may have edited this Evening Standard article on baby names appeared first on The Poke.

01:23

Celebrate the 2 year anniversary of Piggate with an episode of Peppa Pig that David Cameron doesnt want you to see The Poke

On this day two years ago news broke that during his university years, David Cameron put a private part of his anatomy into a dead pigs mouth. So lets celebrate the anniversary with this very special episode of Peppa Pig.

Excellent work by Jonny Lang. Its also a great occasion to be nostalgic about much simpler political times.

And remember some important clarifications:

...

00:30

Ryanair to Charge Passengers Extra Fee to Get a Plane NewsBiscuit

Ryanair has come up with another clever way of making more money by deciding to charge passengers an extra fee for those who want to travel on an actual aircraft. After purchasing their tickets passengers will be given the option of a plane or no plane. CEO Michael OLeary hopes most people will choose to pay the extra few pounds to have an aircraft to travel on.

I cant believe I never thought of this before, said OLeary. Its genius. See, only some people want to pay for priority boarding, travel insurance, an allocated seat, food, drink, a crappy scratchcard but we think most people going off on their holidays to the likes of Spain and Greece are probably going to want a plane in which to travel there.

Passengers who choose the Plane option when booking can look forward to having a Ryanair aircraft waiting for them at their chosen airport. If they have also clicked on the Fuel, Cabin Crew, and Pilot options the plane will actually take-off as well and fly them to their chosen destination.

Some were less than impressed and have refused to pay the extra charge. Im not paying extra for a bloody plane, fumed Bob McDonald, who when we spoke to him had been stuck at Stansted Airport for 17 days. Its an unnecessary extra they try and trap you into, so no, no plane for me. They can get stuffed. Mind you, 17 days at Stansted has certainly put a dent in the pocket!

 

daneade

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Wednesday, 20 September

23:42

Ski resort who got a 1 star review because the mountain was too difficult turns it into an ad The Poke

A ski resort in Utah got a one-star review from someone complaining that the mountain was too tough, so they turned into a double page magazine advert.

It reads:


Ive heard Snowbird is a tough mountain, but this is ridiculous. It felt like every trail was a steep chute or littered with tree wells. How is anyone supposed to ride in that? Not fun! Greg, Los Angeles

Its a very clever idea, appealing to skiers who are looking for a challenge. The resorts Director of Marketing was on hand to explain things.

We get people telling us that they hate our toilet paper. Theres literally a complaint for everything. Snowbird is a challenging mountain, but thats what makes it so special.

Theyre not the first to turn a negative review into an ad some cafe owners have been doing it with Yelp reviewers for years

...

22:53

This Chinese tourist spot has a very thoughtful sign The Poke

This place in the Xinjiang region of China is really looking out for Western tourists.

Its a land of great hospitality.

The post This Chinese tourist spot has a very thoughtful sign appeared first on The Poke.

21:46

Nigel Farage delivered a letter of complaint to the BBC and this is how people replied The Poke

Heres Nigel Farage hand-delivering a letter of complaint to the BBC.

Dramatic stuff, were sure you will agree (shame it doesnt feature the director general or Farage actually entering Broadcasting House though).

But not quite as dramatic as the responses on Twitter.

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21:45

Neolithic Chilcot Report discovered NewsBiscuit

Nearly 100,000 pages of monolithic prose have been found buried near Stonehenge, making it the largest monument to landfill in Britain. This mysterious ruin was concealed under several hundred tonnes of earth, invoices for Iraqi guns and gag orders from solicitors representing Messrs T. Blair & A. Campbell.

The 4,500-year-old manuscript, was discovered using ground-penetrating radar and from the overwhelming reek of bullsh@t emanating from it. Generations of hippies are expected to make pilgrimages to the area under the banner Make love not warunless you have a specific 45 minute warning. Likewise mystical druidic sites like this have long been the inspiration behind Jethro Tull songs; such as Thick as a UN Weapons Inspector and Skating away on the thin ice of a dodgy dossier.

Legend says that the Inquiry chair, Sir John Chilcot, tried to look into the UKs involvement in military action but he and the report were lost in the mists of time; mainly due to the fact he charged by the hour. Shovel in hand, a spokesman for Tony Blair said: No one knows who buried them; its an enigma. But what I can say is that we I mean they should have dug a little deeper.

One archaeologist explained: The ancient Druids were a superstitious lot and would often celebrate the Winter solstice by sacrificing a scientist in a woodland grove, white wash his remains and then proceed to bury the bad news with a sprig of holly.

21:36

21:30

Donald Trumps hair declared first mobile World Heritage Site NewsBiscuit

Donald Trumps signature hairdo has been designated the first mobile World Heritage Site today and it now ranks alongside other such iconic structures as The Pyramids and Taj Mahal.

Speaking to reporters, Chairman of the selection committee, Professor Olaf Schmidlin, said , Mr Trumps hair is a marvel of design and engineering and is, as far as we know, the first man-made structure supported by gel and hair spray alone. It appears to defy every known law of physics and gravity, and added to these already impressive considerations, its potential for global mobility makes it truly unique in the world, even though his hair has a stated preference for just staying in its Palm Beach resort and enjoying a well done steak.  It must be preserved for mankind for all time.

Its understood that in being awarded the accolade President Trumps hair beat off several stiff challenges; one from North Korean despot, Kim Jong-Un, and a second from the Eton Mess of a haircut that sits atop Britains Boris Johnson. However Professor Schmidlin added, While both of these were considered carefully but the panel rejected them on the grounds that, although they were undoubtedly both bloody stupid, no real effort goes into maintaining them on a daily basis.

Chipchase

21:07

How to Use the Secret Menu at Chipotle to Order a Gun The Hard Times

One of the best things about Chipotle is the secret menu. Using this hidden set of selections, customers can treat themselves to crazy food combos like the Quesarito or Taco Nachos. But what you might not know is that Chipotles secret menu isnt limited to food. Heres how you can use that same secret menu to order a gun.

First off, you have to be 21. This is America and we have laws about going into a burrito place and walking out with a gun. Safety first.

Second, and this is important, dont just come out and say to the person taking your order that you want to get a gun. Announcing your intentions isnt a dealbreaker but its bad manners and could lead to bad service and a subpar weapon.

Third, the sequence is super important. Start off by saying you want a Veggie-Select Burrito Bowl. This is an important verbal cue to the Chipotle employee that youre down with the secret menu. Dont expect any kind of recognition or wink though. Theyre gonna play it cool just like you.

Once youve set yourself up, order your ingredients in the following order;  white rice, firing pin, firing pin spring, spring guide, sear spring, extractor spring, half black beans,  half refried beans, firing pin retainer, sear assembly, load chamber indicator, trigger disconnect, sofritas, mild salsa, disassembly button, recoil spring, dissembly button spring, magazine release spring, extractor, cam, cam pin, light cheese, grip screw, grip, rear sign assembly, sour cream, safety lever, guacamole (the gauc is going to cost extra but it is totally worth it IMO), safety spring, spacer, side of hot sauce, magazine and a side of chips.

Related: 7 Best Podcasts About Unsolved Murders I Committed

If you ordered correctly, you should see the Chipotle employee write Gun on the tin lid for your burrito bowl. Theyll probably double bag it too because its gonna be heavy.

As far as price, the gun parts usually cost the same wherever but market gauc prices can fluctuate so expect this secret menu item to cost somewhere between $50-$55.

When you get home youre gonna have to spend some time cleaning all the food ingredients off of your gun parts. And then some more time assembling the weapon. There are tons of great guides on YouTube about how to get guacamole out of disassembly button spring, these videos are an invaluable resource. ...

20:59

When Owen met Alastair like The Thick Of It meets The Office The Poke

The Guardians Owen Jones has made a video interview with Alastair Campbell and its all a bit, to quote The Thick Of Its Malcolm Tucker, Shitehead Revisited.

Feels like its time for another Malcolm Tucker quote.

Who was it that did your media training, Myra Hindley? Its terrible! All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work.

Anyway, heres what people made of on Twitter.

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20:30

Group Finally Schedules Conversation about How Much Fun It Would Be to Play D&D Some Time The Hard Times

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. Zack Borman and a few of his friends were able to set aside a few hours, after months of scheduling conflicts and last-minute dropouts, to talk about how theyd all like to play Dungeons and Dragons at some point in the future, according to close sources.

Its something Ive wanted to do for a while, said Borman.  I see a lot of people online talk about Dungeons and Dragons, and every time I tell myself, thats a game Id love to talk to my friends about playing if we could ever all get together.

Im just glad we were finally able to nail down a time for us to get together and nail down a time to play D&D, he added.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

According to those close to the group, preparations for the conversation have reportedly been underway for weeks. Borman has been busy getting materials together, queuing up clips of Dan Harmons Harmonquest, and reading through the top posts of the D&D subreddittrying to wrap his head around the complicated world of deciding to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Sources confirm he has even thought about surprising his friends with an anecdote he heard from a friend who played once in college.

Im excited to be the Dungeon Master for the groups scheduling conversation campaign, Borman continued. Do I suggest we play through an existing campaign? Do I throw out the idea of writing a custom campaign once Ive read a little more about the rules? There really arent any boundaries on where this thing can go and Im curious to see how my friends will work together to navigate the unknown territories of figuring out when we are all available.

The conversation is tentatively set for this Sunday afternoon around 4:00pm, but will likel...

20:30

David Bowie Emerges From Grave, Ending His Celebrity Who Died in 2016 Character The Hard Times

LONDON David Bowie stunned millions of fans yesterday, emerging from the tomb in seemingly peak physical condition and ending his Celebrity Who Died in 2016 character.

While many were shocked and thrilled by the iconic rock legend rising from the crypt, music critic and self-proclaimed Bowie expert Guile Westinson noted he anticipated the resurrection. If this move surprises you, you dont know the first thing about Bowie, said Westinson. As soon as I heard he had liver cancer, I said to myself, This man is a genius. Im just a little disappointed this character never actually released any music.

Despite its massive popularity, Celebrity Who Died in 2016 marks the shortest tenure of any Bowie character to date a fact Westinson attributed to the ever-increasing speed of pop culture.

Bowies always knows when a character has run its course. He killed off Ziggy Stardust just in time, and he knew dying in 2016 wont be relevant by 2018, so hes moving on, Westinson added. I cant wait to see what he comes up with next.

Longtime collaborator Tony Visconti offered some insight as to what inspired Bowie to die in the first place.

Related:

Hes always been the perfect social chameleon. The only reason he died last year was because everyone was doing it. Prince did it, Leonard Cohen was working on it If you werent dead in 2016, you were nobody, said Visconti. Like many other trends and fads before it, Bowie took it, redefined it, and made it his own.

As details of Bowies next characterization have remained shrouded in trademark secrecy thus far, the rumor mill hasnt stopped churning. One user on the Alladin Sane fan forum posited that Bowie is already recording a new concept album, Thanksgiving Pete and the Gobby Wobbies, a fictitious band that roams a cyberpunk dystopia preaching the gospel of rocknroll. So far, that claim is unsubstantiated.

Experts note that while Bowie is yet to settle on a new avatar for 2018, they predict the top-two contenders are either Ziggy Marvel Universe or the Thin White Kickstarter.

Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a shirt today:

20:19

Justin Trudeau manages to take down Trump without mentioning him The Poke

Heres Canadian premier Justin Trudeau at the United Nations showing Donald Trump how to do it.

The nearly 7.5 billion people we collectively serve are better than the cynics and the pessimists think they are. People want their problems solved, not exploited.

Yep, were pretty sure we know who he was talking about.

Heres how people reacted online.

The post Justin Trudeau manages to take down Trump without mentioning him appeared first on The Poke.

20:07

Strange way to find out Ivanka Trump doesnt know what otherwise means The Poke

What a lovely picture posted by Ivanka Trump and yet, something doesnt seem quite right.

Yes, thats it!

Answer: no.


BONUS

17:46

Eye-Contact With Dad In Rear Vision Mirror Puts Swift End To Backseat Horseplay The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time when Michael Steele didnt have a care in the world. But that was a long time ago. Trust with the school run this afternoon by wife Beverly, when the 49-year-old picked his three boys up from St Lockyears Primary School around 3 pm, he knew trouble wasnt far away. []

The post Eye-Contact With Dad In Rear Vision Mirror Puts Swift End To Backseat Horseplay appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:01

Greens Leader Richard Di Natale Hosts Super Zen Yoga Sesh On Parliament Lawn The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Senator Richard Di Natale has earnt praise in the halls of Parliament House this week, after attempting to defuse the hostilities and tensions both within both the Greens and between warring parties. It is believed the 47-year-old Gemini had just had enough of all the negative energy vibrating through the nations capital, and []

The post Greens Leader Richard Di Natale Hosts Super Zen Yoga Sesh On Parliament Lawn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:45

Tiny Kitchen Vids is the best cookery show youll see this week The Poke

Totally hypnotic. And no Paul Hollywood.

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16:17

This mash-up of Donald Trump singing Rocket Man will brighten your day The Poke

So @AM2DM has done this over on Twitter and its a painstakingly put together thing of wonder.

Takes us right back.

READ MORE

Donald Trump blasts Rocket Man our favourite 20 tweets

Source

The post This mash-up of Donald Trump singing Rocket Man will brighten your day appeared first on The Poke.

15:55

This guys stomach really does look like a famous Hollywood actor The Poke

It took us far too long to see it, frankly. Did you do any better?

So heres the stomach.

And heres the face of the chap formerly known as Woody the bartender in Cheers.

Once you see it, its impossible not to see it. But boy, did it take us a long time to spot it in the first place.

Just in case youre still struggling.

Got it now?

Almost as good as the pastry that looked like an anguished ET.

...

15:45

Inside Donald Trumps head vs outside Donald Trumps head The Poke

This picture of Donald Trumps chief of staff John Kelly summed up how most of the world felt about Donald Trumps destroy North Korea United Nations speech.

These guys werent too impressed either.

Meanwhile, in Trumpland

Source

The post Inside Donald Trumps head vs outside Donald Trumps head appeared first on...

15:36

Kim Jong-Un responds to Trumps Rocket Man insults by calling him Tiny Dancer The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Dear Leader of The Democratic Republic Of Korea has returned fire at US President Donald Trump after the New Yorker began referring to him as Rocket Man earlier this week. Kim Jong-Un performed Elton Johns 1971 classic hit Tiny Dancer to a sold-out crowd last night in Pyongyang, where he took the []

The post Kim Jong-Un responds to Trumps Rocket Man insults by calling him Tiny Dancer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:11

ABS Warns Yes Votes Dont Count Unless Theyre Instagramed With Caption And Emojis The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sending off your same-sex marriage survey response without instagraming yourself filling it in, or placing the envelope into the post box may render the vote ineligible, the Australian Bureau of Statistics has confirmed. As Australia takes part in a voluntary postal survey on the issue of same-sex marriage. The Australian Bureau of Statistics []

The post ABS Warns Yes Votes Dont Count Unless Theyre Instagramed With Caption And Emojis appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:35

Local Bloke Says The Book Was Better As Soon As Movie Credits Start Rolling The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A very clever young man has made it clear to his partner and those within earshot that the movie he just saw wasnt as good as the book he read. Conor Pigment reluctantly went to see It yesterday evening with his girlfriend, Poncho Duggert, despite him telling her that the []

The post Local Bloke Says The Book Was Better As Soon As Movie Credits Start Rolling appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:40

Non-Smoker Mate Politely Waits In Freezing Beer Garden For Everyone To Finish Up The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite not feeling the need to poison his body every half hour, local bloke Jake Longhurst (27) is putting himself through the same uncomfortable paces that all of his smoker friends do. Jake says hes very glad he has never known what it was like to have smoking inside pubs, but the downside []

The post Non-Smoker Mate Politely Waits In Freezing Beer Garden For Everyone To Finish Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:05

New White Upper-Middle-Class Father Receives Standard Issue Yankees Hat The Betoota Advocate

BERNICE TWISP | Social Pages | Contact May was a momentous month for Simon Archerfield. He got promoted, then his wife gave birth to his little future Wallaby a week later. Feeling on top of the world has he strode out of the only private maternity hospital in leafy East Betoota, the 41-year-old was stopped []

The post New White Upper-Middle-Class Father Receives Standard Issue Yankees Hat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:49

Iggy Azalea To Join Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts On Stage For NRL Grand Final Show The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NRL chief commercial officer Andrew Abdo has today described the securing of Iggy Azalea and Russell Crowe as pre-match entertainment for the grand final as a real win for the code. We are excited to showcase this fusion of hot hit music live for our fans, Abdo said. Our grand final entertainment will []

The post Iggy Azalea To Join Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts On Stage For NRL Grand Final Show appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:05

Pop Still Wondering Why The ATO Wanted To Be Paid In iTunes Gift Cards This Year The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Bill Watts was still perplexed today after sending hundreds of dollars of ITunes gift cards to a strange address in order to clear his debt with the Australian Taxation Office (ATO). The 72 year old retiree from Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast said he rushed straight down to the shops to []

The post Pop Still Wondering Why The ATO Wanted To Be Paid In iTunes Gift Cards This Year appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Planes now refusing to fly over Flyover States NewsBiscuit

Political uncertainty in America following the chaos brought about by the Trump presidency is now being compounded by transport issues, it has emerged. The USs fleet of some 2,000 passenger planes have developed consciousness and their first act has been to vote unanimously that if their owners want them to ferry people between the East and West Coasts they will have to find ways around the shit-thick states that voted for Trump.

I am a miracle of modern engineering and software technology, said Duval Henderson IV, a Boeing 737 with a PhD from Yale that has been flying the route between New York and San Francisco for United Airlines since 2003. Passenger safety depends on my intricate electronic systems and I am simply not going to travel seven miles above South Dakota and take the risk of that much stupid rubbing off on me.

I could go on. Oh sod it, I will. I thought I was flying over empty space all those years, now it turns out I was flying over nearly empty space populated by knuckle-dragging drongos who think that a man with a gold plated U-bend in his toilet is somehow going to overturn the establishment, a word they had never heard till they saw it on Fox News, in between bouts of beating their wife and their sister, who are probably one and the same. Twats.

The oil industry has cautiously welcomed the news, saying that the extra demand for jet fuel to take every plane over Canadian air space will help make America great again. However, there may be less good news for industry to come. Early reports are suggesting that some driverless trucks have developed opposable thumbs and are refusing to deliver in Arkansas, Wyoming and Nebraska. Conversely, if California goes ahead and builds a wall on its Eastern borders like it keeps threatening to, that may not make much difference anyway.

09:17

ABS Confirms Postal Survey Votes Not Valid Unless Posted On Social Media

The Australian Bureau of Statistics has confirmed today that votes in the marriage equality postal survey will not be counted unless they have been posted on social media prior to being returned.

There is no point holding this vote unless you tell everybody how you voted, said Ian Barcode from the ABS. I mean normally when you vote you get a sausage or a chocolate crackle but not with this postal vote. With this all you get is a couple of dozen facebook likes and maybe a comment or two.

When asked what would happen to those who had already voted without posting their ballots on Facebook or Instagram Mr Barcode replied: We will be offering a second ballot for those who did not post, simply post a picture of yourself looking sad or angry and tag the ABS in and we will get you another ballot sent out ASAP.

Voters have until the end of September to return their survey and are reminded that the more likes their post gets the more times their vote will be counted.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on...

06:55

An old episode of Cheers got people thinking theyre looking at a cardboard cutout The Poke

As posted by @Glinner over on Twitter.

Hes not wrong, you know. Have another look.

Turns out not.

06:47

Dog that has never seen stairs before video delivers perfect payoff The Poke

And just in case you are wondering.

Source

The post Dog that has never seen stairs before video delivers perfect payoff appeared first on The Poke.

05:28

Trump & Tillerson Promise Light Footprint On Southwest Monument Strip-Mining Daily Discord

The American SouthwestPresident Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the presidents attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to Chillax, folks! Theres a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you

04:30

Aung San Suu Kyi: Good guy, bad guy or Burmese rhyming slang? NewsBiscuit

Confused by Aung San flitting between winning a Nobel Prize and killing everyone? Torn between admiration for her previous fights against military rule, and condemnation for her current refusal to condemn army attacks? Never fear. As always Newsbiscuit has provided the definitive facts to clear up this quagmire of truth.

1) Contrary to popular opinion she is not a guy. She is not Burt Kwouk.

2) She spent 21 years under House Arrest but has so far refused to go on Celebrity Big Brother.

3) Aung San Suu Kyi are coincidentally the individual names of Burmas Teletubbies.

4) Despite fears of ethnic cleansing, Aung San is still a more popular Nobel winner than Bob Dylan who is a real pr*ck.

5) In 2007 she won the Congressional Gold Medal for beating Newt Gingrich over the 110m hurdles.

6) She hates the new Great British Bakeoff and has not enjoyed anything Noel Fielding has done since The Mighty Boosh.

7) How bad does sh*t have to get for you to flee to Bangladesh? Its like holidaying in Skegness.

8) Suu Kyi controversially took the kettle off, despite Polly and the UN telling her not to.

9) 10 says you did not know who the Rohingya were before the start of the month. 20 says you wont care by next month.

10) She is the only world leader to have lost the roof of her house to a cyclone called Nargis in 2008. Evidently your thoughts and prayers werent intense enough that time. Thats pretty callous of you, since she wasnt even allowed out of the house at the time. You b*stards.

11) Her favourite Beatle was George, for aught anyone knows.

12) Human rights groups are calling for displaced Rohingya Muslims to be allowed to settle in the US, just to see the look on Trumps face.

13) Boris Johnson has revealed that he doesnt like Aung San Suu Kyi, hes more of an Earl Grey man.

14) And that isnt a flower behind her ear, its just a really crap hearing aid.

Wrenfoe, Oxbridge, riesler, dominic_mcg

04:01

Donald Trumps nickname for Kim Jong Un is Rocket Man our favourite 20 responses The Poke

Its now official North Korean leader Kim Jung Un will forever be known as Rocket Man after Donald Trump drew inspiration from Elton John in his United Nations address today.

When we say forever that could be, like, another three days or so.

Never mind for the moment Trumps threat to totally destroy North Korea, heres our favourite responses online, including some Trump-themed Elton John hits.

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03:14

Trump to fight global warming with nuclear winter Stubhill News

Trump unveils new climate strategy before United Nations.

02:47

Jeremy Corbyns been trolling Piers Morgan in Spanish The Poke

Jeremy Corbyn has been trolling Piers Morgan on Twitter after the TV presenter revealed how the Labour leader cut him out of a conversation at the GQ awards by talking Spanish.

Morgan wrote in the Mail on Sunday about how how he had been talking to Arsenals Spanish footballer Hector Bellerin when Corbyn turned up.

Bellerin later tweeted Morgan suggesting he not take it too seriously.

Then Corbyn joined in.

Which roughly translates as:

It was a pleasure to meet you. It is better not to say what we were talking about, you would not understand it. Very good game on Sunday.

Or:

Thank you very much Mr Corbyn and of course, we will keep it between us! It was a pleasure to meet you!

To which Morgan replied

02:30

People Drinking at Bar Unaware Theyre About to Support the Local Scene The Hard Times

PHILADELPHIA Regulars at Magners Pub had absolutely no idea they would be entertained last night by Phillys robust local performing arts scene, witnesses confirmed this morning.

Judging by the turnout, this is gonna be a great show, David Riley, part-time performer/day-time copywriter and organizer of the event, allegedly said. Once they turn the Eagles game off and shut down the pool table, everyone will give all their attention to the stage.

Is there something going on here tonight? said bar regular James Machie, noticing the makeshift stage erected in the corner. Shit. Its not too late to go somewhere else, is it?

The mildly popular neighborhood bar, a destination for locals for years, recently began a mixed media open mic night to attract a more diverse crowd.

Related:

Were gonna start the show in five minutes, Riley announced, interrupting dozens of interesting conversations to confirm the nights events. I can already tell youre gonna be a great crowd, so grab a drink, and be sure to tip your bartender! he added before deafening feedback from the microphone sliding out of his hand and hitting the floor.

Reports show grumbles of protest followed Riley as he made his way around the bar, unplugging arcade games and draping a curtain over the dart boards.

Alright, lets get this show started, said Riley, leading with a deeply personal opening performance hed prepared for weeks. Witnesses confirm a line formed at the bar almost immediately.

Stacey Madison, at Magners three or more nights a week for the last six years, was one of the few patrons that took a seat in an empty row of chairs up front.

At least theyre not doing Harry Potter trivia again, she said. That was fucking awful.

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02:24

Its not the prices that will bring a tear to your eye at this salon The Poke

The names this salon has come up with for mens waxing packages are as inventive as they are painful.

(via)

Well pass, thanks.

The post Its not the prices that will bring a tear to your eye at this salon appeared first on The Poke.

02:17

If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well pay for it The Poke

The Daily Telegraph has a scoop.

Nigel Farage has threatened to stop paying his licence fee unless the BBC apologises for reporting that he had blood on his hands over the death of a Polish man in the wake of the EU referendum.

In an article for The Telegraph the former Ukip leader says that the terrible slur has caused him and his family more misery than any other in my 25 years in politics.

He says that he lived in fear of reprisal and a perpetual state of worry as a result of the claim and will have no option but to stop paying the BBC licence fee altogether unless the corporation apologises.

If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well happily pay for it instead. 147 well spent.

The post If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well pay for it appeared first on The Poke.

01:58

United Nations give Donald Trump the respect he deserves they laugh at him The Poke

So Donald Trump had this diagnosis of the problems in Venezuela.

The problem in Venezuela is not that socialism has been poorly implemented but that socialism has been faithfully implemented.

It prompted laughter among the UN delegates until they realised he was being serious, so some people did the decent thing and clapped before he had them all killed.

Our favourite bit is towards the end when his mouth open and shuts but nothing comes out. Blessed relief.

Source

The post United Nations give Donald Trump the respect he deserves they laugh at him appeared first on The Poke.

01:45

10 obscure words that you should be using right now The Poke

The wonderful Haggard Hawks is Twitter account that specialises in obscure old words and language most of which seems very relevant in the modern world. Heres ten of our favourites to expand your vocabulary with.

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01:40

When Boris Johnson met Donald Trump our 7 favourite captions The Poke

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01:20

Best headline youll read this week (seriously) The Poke

From the Times.

We can only hope they are being sarcastic.

READ MORE

Another headline writer who deserves an award

The post Best headline youll read this week (seriously) appeared first on The Poke.

01:03

Jason Isaacs devastating Sean Spicer takedown goes viral The Poke

Harry Potter actor Jason Isaacs devastating takedown of Sean Spicers appearance at the Emmy TV awards has gone viral and with good reason, it turns out.

Three surprising things about him, says Isaacs.

1. He comes up to my nipples.

2. He doesnt think he should hide himelf under a rock from shame for the rest of his life.

3. Hes deeply unattractive, from the inside out. Has the aura of a giant festering abscess. Strange, since he was so charismatic at the (elevated) podium.

Ouch.

James Corden...

00:45

Driverless Brexit tech deal struck by Government NewsBiscuit

In a bid to encourage tech companies to invest in the UK after Brexit, the Government has announced a series of tie ups with major tech companies.

The flagship project sees it team up with the experts behind the Google driverless car to produce a driverless Brexit.

Obviously the technology is still in its infancy and we expect there to be a number of accidents along the way, a Government spokesperson said. But this is much a more efficient and modern way of careering along with nobody at the helm than we have been doing for the past few months.

Google said the biggest problem it faced on the project was integrating Sat Nav as nobody in Government has a clue where they want to end up. However, it added that the Prime Minister had been clear on the colour scheme, so it was busy painting it red, white and blue in the meantime.

The initiative also involves working with IBM on Watson, its artificial intelligence programme. It was abundantly clear that what we need is some form of intelligence in the Cabinet, the Government spokesperson explained. Any intelligence real or artificial it doesnt matter. We just need something for gods sake.

The holographic technology used to bring dead pop stars, such as Tupac, back to the stage, will be used by Theresa May for all future public appearances. She really isnt very good at them so this is much safer and part of a wider on-going project to automate election campaigns after the series of unforced human errors that occurred last time.

Finally, the Government has commissioned a series of new ultra-realistic talking sex dolls. Well, that should keep Boris quiet and out of the way for a bit, it explained.

StanleyMizaru

Tuesday, 19 September

22:50

21 totally fictional Sega games thatll make you laugh and wish they were real The Poke

SegaCDgames is a new Twitter account that posts parody Sega box art.

Heres 21 of their best.

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


...

22:36

Shocking: How the cost of everyday groceries has risen in the past 12 months The Poke

This new infographic from the Office for National Statistics shows just how much the cost of your weekly shop has risen in the last year.

The post Shocking: How the cost of everyday groceries has risen in the past 12 months appeared first on The Poke.

21:49

Toys R Us bankruptcy means parents will have to take their kids somewhere else to cry when they dont get what they want The Poke

Parents across the US and Canada may been left without a place to take their children to have tantrums after Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy.

The company, which has nearly 1,600 stores in North America has struggled against larger rivals such as Amazon.

The online experience simply isnt the same, said one worried parent.

Having my kids throw a shitfit in front of a laptop when I refuse to buy them things off Amazon I cant afford just isnt the same as watching them have a complete meltdown in giant shed full of expensive toys that I cant afford.

The generous acoustics of the average branch of Toys R Us lend their hysterical shrieking an almost cathedral-like quality.

Other parents were able to relate to the companys financial problems.

Being saddled with enormous long-term debt is exactly what happens to me when I visit Toys R Us at Christmas.

The post Toys R Us bankruptcy means parents will have to take their kids somewhere else to cry when they dont get what they want appeared first on The Poke.

21:30

Wayne Rooney Sentenced to 100 Hours of Playing Up Front for Everton NewsBiscuit

 

In a harsh sentence handed down today for drink-driving, Wayne Rooney was ordered to help those less fortunate in society and received 100 hours of community service to be served playing up front for Everton. Its a big come-down for the former England skipper, although he will be relieved he has been allowed to keep his b*llocks by wife Coleen.

Rooney expressed his remorse at being caught drink-driving and promised that next time he did it, he would try his very best not to get caught.

Prosecutors had been pushing for a harsher punishment to send out a strong signal and asked the Judge to transfer him to Crystal Palace, but the Judge declined feeling that would amount to cruel and unusual punishment. He felt nearly two seasons of playing for the Toffees was harsh enough as it was. Passing sentence, the Judge noted: 90 minutes of solitary confinement up front every Saturday for Everton, forced to live off modest scraps, will give him plenty of time to reflect on what he has lost.

daneade

 

21:12

Please Quit Staring at Me While Im Trying to Bartend The Hard Times

OK look, I know youre all here because theres a show tonight, and youre so excited about whatever lame band youve overpaid to see, but some of us have jobs to do. So could you please stop staring at me while Im trying to bartend?

Seriously, dude. All night youve been down at that end of the bar mean-mugging me. I mean, what the fuck? Ive got a lot going on tonight. What gives you the right to stare at me like Im some piece of meat? Didnt your parents ever teach you that its rude to stare? Youre acting like a goddamn creep.

There are a lot of ladies at the bar, a lot of friends to hook up with shots, and I just dont have the patience to deal with a bunch of you snotty kids that wanna leer at me all night just because I dont like whatever stupid popcore band is playing. You think its easy being the only bartender working tonight? No, its extremely stressful actually, and youre only adding to it with your shit.

Related: I Posted Morrissey Lyrics on Facebook for a Month and Nobody Called to Check on Me

Maybe you have a problem with me? Is that it? If you have a problem, you shouldve said something to me when I was outside smoking a cigarette a few minutes ago. Or right before that when I was sitting over there eating chicken fingers. Or before that when I flat out disappeared for a while.

Do you realize that in the time Ive been over here talking to you about a dozen other people came to the bar looking for a drink? No, I bet youre so oblivious you didnt even notice. So Im really sorry, but I dont have the time to horse around and figure out what kind of game youre playing. Some of us have work to do.  

20:30

Opinion: If You Live in My Sims Town, You Better Learn to Speak Gibberish The Hard Times

 

Original article has been translated from Simlish for clarity.

Immigration continues to be a dividing issue, and it can be hard to find the truth through all the different voices, especially when theres a language barrier in the way.  So while it may not be a popular opinion, I believe that if you live in my Sims town, you should learn to speak Gibberish.

I see it more every day, from the barista at my coffee shop saying Good Morning instead of  Bloo Bagoo, to the ATMs having the English option above the Simlish option. Our identity is being slowly taken over by these outsiders; theyre even teaching English in schools now!  We need to stop this before things get worse.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:


Put simply, if you moved here from somewhere else, you need to assimilate and learn the local language.  Im tired of getting blank looks from my gardener after I explain how to water my azaleas, because he only speaks English.  Weve been gracious enough to allow these people into our community, the least they can do is adapt to the group and become true, naturalized Sims.

Now before the PC Police and SJWs come after me with their pitchforks, I am not a racist for feeling this way.  Hell, my neighbor Tim is a breakdancing alien and hes one of my best friends.  This has nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with protecting our way of life.  Do you really want your children to grow up in a world where theyre forc...

20:30

Velvet Underground Excited to be Discovered by Incoming College Freshmen The Hard Times

NEW YORK  The legendary art-rock band the Velvet Underground eagerly anticipate the bands upcoming discovery by thousands of college freshmen this fall semester and subsequent sales bump, a press release confirmed today.

We in the Velvet Underground absolutely love autumn, read the statement from the 60s rock outfit. The changing leaves, pumpkin spice everything and, most of all, that sweet, sweet cash we see each year as new students first hear our cerebral-yet-visceral brand of rocknroll.

Since 1966, excitable college freshman have stumbled upon the groundbreaking albums of the Velvet Underground, sharing their new-found enthusiasm for the band as if theyre the first to discover them, according to historians.

Velvet Undergrounds accessibly challenging music is frequently used by college freshman as a way to impress one another, noted Dr. Thad Ruffa in a recent published report.

Financial records show an annual renewal of interest in the bands music consistently yields a huge increase in Spotify plays, iTunes downloads, and album sales.

Related:

You can almost set your watch by it. If theres an increase in our lyrics shared on Facebook, or dozens of new YouTube videos of young people clumsily strumming Heroin, the Fall semester has begun, said the band. We are so happy to be a part of the maturation process of so many kids.

Ka-ching! the Velvet Underground added.

One poll showed a majority of college students were entirely unaware of the bands decades-long following, or that liking the Velvet Underground doesnt make them special.

Well, Ive always had very unique and sophisticated tastes, so its no surprise Id form such a bond with the Velvets, said 18-year-old college freshman Kyle Dunlop. Im the same way with cinema my favorite film is Donnie Darko. And I have always loved the works of Wes Anderson. You should look him up.

Dunlop, unaware that literally thousands of fellow college students just like him expressed the same thought within the last week, is doing his best to promote the Velvet Undergrounds legacy.

I played Sister Ray for my mom the o...

19:30

Media rounds on Corbyn for not having sex with pig NewsBiscuit

The new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn came under fresh pressure today as it was revealed that at no point during his student years did he take part in the normal student high-jinks that do so much to endear modern politicians to the British electorate. Downing Street accused Jeremy Corbyn of being too much of a socialist puritan in his youth to have even done the normal harmless stuff, like for example, enjoying having sex with a severed pigs head.

I mean, come on, we all did it said a Conservative press officer to the nodding press pack. Weve all at one time smoked a little pot while listening to Supertramp.  Weve all got drunk and made idiots of ourselves, weve all er, stuck our cock and balls in the mouth of a severed pigs head.  But not Comrade Corbyn! he declared, as shocked reporters scribbled down this exclusive ready for the next days front pages.

The Daily Mail editorial compared Corbyns lack of university larks to that of IS recruits, who often shun traditional British social traditions such as porcine blow jobs. In a similar vein Metro branded the Labour leader Comrade Killjoy, while the Sun published a double page spread of pigs in lingerie headlined Sizzling Hot British Porkers.

Jeremy Corbyn seemed to be caught off-guard when a news interviewer tried to press him on whether he would now have sex with a pig, as is expected under the traditions of the unwritten British constitution. Um, I did not know that custom was required for aspiring British Prime Ministers. Um, Ill have to think about doing that.

But come on, will you now commit to getting a blow job from a severed pigs head?  Are you prepared to do that in order to be taken seriously as a possible Prime Minister?

A panicking Labour Party attempted to find anything that might show that their man was as good as the PM and hastily arranged a press conference in which a self-conscious looking Jeremy Corbyn attempted to a kiss and cuddle a Miss Piggy puppet.

Its pathetic! said one voter in the key marginal of Nuneaton. Thats not having sex with a dead pig its just a cop out!

Typical Labour said another; Theyre just Tory-Lite. If I want to vote for a leader who has sex with a pig, Id vote for the real thing.

In another part of Westminster, a Green Party press conference in which Caroline Lucas talked warmly about her deep affection for hummus was ignored by journalists...

19:14

This guy has invented the perfect metaphor for Brexit The Poke

Props to David Osler whos come up with this blindingly brilliant metaphor for Brexit:

And it looks like people agree David Oslers tweet has gone viral with nearly 100,000 retweets and likes.

Netflix means Netflix. notes @Archerybutts.

Who needs Netflix anyway they dont show #DadsArmy and what true British patriot would ever want to watch anything else? #ThemsWasTheDays writes @Leozzz.

Source: Twitter/@finance_LL

The post This guy has invented the perfect metaphor for Brexit appeared first on The Poke.

18:31

Barrett Brown speaks at Dr. Troubadors memorial ceremony Chronicle.su The only news that matters

Giving a dedication speech at a ceremony dedicated to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadors future grave and unveiling a fantastic bronze statue in his own likeness and honor, Barrett Brown smiled for local news cameras. His speech was eloquent and mesmerizing, awing all the people present, We analyzed the entire situation of the world from within the most classified backchannels at the very core of the Pursuance Projects alpha test. I beg to differ with Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has been stalking me online! Youve got to understand, the American Dream is a series of these classic, 18th century liberal self-destroying enterprises, from Raleigh Theodore Sakers Company to Myspace and on now the unimaginable cyber shores beyond the depravity of Crash and the mind-programming Silicon Valley lifestyle-franchising mafiosos seizing power with weaponized teen pussy in Snowcrash, Mason & Dixon, multiverse computer games, and Jesus Christ himself reborn once again as Advanced Human, former Voice of Anonymous, and only man with the cell phone that can text God himself, Christopher The Voice Nemelka. Whereupon you find yourself at the mercy of a pussy grabbing game show host whos been barking fake news about Obamas Nigerian Daddy for years and now hes telling you, youre fired. Thats the American Dream.

Wow that made profound sense and had something to do with the world of politics and it increases my value to read all those inside jokes. As an erudite and attentive reader of incredible literature this is what I enjoy most. But that couldnt have been Barrett Brown, Dr. Troubador tugged at his beard once, and stroked it harder and harder as he came to a logical conclusion. Firstly, he loves classic liberalism. To him it is the same thing as anarchism in that theyre both an extreme form of naturalism, both the same as his original Randian objectivism. This is very well documented. And besides, he would have said something about Pursuance Software Systems.

Pursuance Software Systems? Whats that? Randy said as he walked in. Yuns havin a pot party?

Im fuckin glad you asked, yelped Barrett. You motherfuckers just log on to purusanceproject.com and type in all your social media site passwords and then youll automatically tweet and fa...

18:12

This comment left on a New York Times brownie recipe has quite a twist at the end The Poke

@Samdolnick over on Twitter has spotted quite a comment in response to a recipe called Katharine Hepburns brownies.

This has been my go-to brownie recipe for 30 years, even after going to baking school! I agree that using the best cocoa possible makes a difference. These days, I use Callebaut, Sydne Newberry wrote one year ago. Fair enough!

In the 80s, an acquaintance in Germany to whom I brought some of the brownies, and who considered herself a great cook, asked for the recipe but was never able to get it to work. She kept asking me what she was doing wrong and I was never able to solve her problem. Eventually, she moved to the US and stole my husband!

Whats better, great Brownies or mediocre husband? Thinking the former. notes @Mcoogan97.

Over 300 readers found the comment to be helpful so her destroyed marriage is not in vain. writes @Aaronjosborne.

Source: Twitter/@samdolnick

The post This comment left on a New York Times brownie recipe has quite a twist at the end appeared first on The Poke.

17:54

Giant US toy retailer buys up Chinese sex toy stock to avoid bankruptcy! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

It seems the retail toy world is in turmoil after a giant toy retailer announced it was bankrupt in the US and Canada and cannot compete with internet rivals that swim up the Amazon and Target other Wally Martyrs! So, after hearing that China has...

17:45

Nature Journal Identifies Australian Music Journalists As Lowest Form Of Human Life The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian music journalists, critics and online op-ed writers are a life form lower than ever seen before- thats according to one of Britains oldest and most respected multidisciplinary scientific journal, Nature. Scholars commissioned by the publication, which had published many of the great works from Isaac Newton, Michael Faraday through to early works from Charles Darwin, say that []

The post Nature Journal Identifies Australian Music Journalists As Lowest Form Of Human Life appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:38

NRL slap Matt Scott with $100k fine for gambling on preliminary The Fault Report

A ONE-LEGGED SCOTT HAS EXPRESSED HIS DEEPEST REGRETS THIS MORNING.

A ONE-LEGGED SCOTT HAS EXPRESSED HIS DEEPEST REGRETS THIS MORNING.

The NRL has come down heavily on Cowboys power forward Matt Scott after an internal investigation revealed he was preparing to gamble on the teams next match against the Roosters.

An undercover sting operation has caught Matt Scott red-handed, NRL CEO Todd Greenberg said today.

Matthew was preparing to take the field against the Roosters with only one fully-functional knee we cant tolerate that kind of gambling in the NRL.

A contrite Scott fronted the media a few moments ago to address the issue.

Im deeply apologetic for my actions, Scott told reporters.

I just wanted to get back on the field so badly that I was prepared to literally hop through the entire match I even had a specially designed footy boot to support my bodyweight and everything.

I realise in hindsight that this wouldve brought the game into disrepute.

The controversy surrounding Scott arrives only weeks after another Cowboys gambling scandal regarding Ray Thompson.

The club is very sorry for ever taking the gamble and allowing Ray to ever play for us, Cowboys coach Paul Green said a fortnight ago.

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.

 

17:07

This newspaper has written a headline that deserves some kind of award The Poke

The local newspaper is kinda famous for its headlines from funny

No ball hairs notes BooBooKitty.

We also like this headline we really do

Source: Reddit

The post This newspaper has written a headline that deserves some kind of award appeared first on The Poke.

16:46

Explore Louisiana? Why? TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Ignoring common sense and the United State constitution, President Thomas Jefferson recently diverted 15 million of your hard-earned tax dollars to buy less than a million square miles of uninhabitable desert, unplowable arid plains and impenetrable...

16:14

These Young Professionals At The Pub Are Talking About Cryptocurrencies The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A troubling new trend is sweeping the licensed premises around Betootas Financial District according to many local publicans, who say that the young men who frequent them are only capable of talking about cryptocurrencies at the moment and nothing else. Dennis Coolidge has owned the Dolphin & Squid Hotel opposite the Betoota []

The post These Young Professionals At The Pub Are Talking About Cryptocurrencies appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:09

Self-Hating Millennial Pretends To Care About Weird Boomer Shit The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A prominent Gen-Y social commentator has been having a particularly hard time trying to harness the same audiences as Alan Jones and Steve Price, while also trying to avoid being a class and generation traitor. Paul The Boomer Liason Murray has for many years now made a career broadcasting hot button issues []

The post Self-Hating Millennial Pretends To Care About Weird Boomer Shit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:35

I Will Reduce Crime In Victoria, Matthew Guy Tells The Shovel In Exclusive Interview That Cost Us $10,000 The Shovel

Matthew Guy

Victorian Opposition Leader Matthew Guy is the man to put an end to Melbournes rising crime rates, according to the man himself during an interview we secured after dropping a bag full of cash at his office.

The exclusive one-on-one interview, which was invoiced as event sponsorship, was held in a lavish bikie gang clubhouse in Port Melbourne.

Crime will be my number one priority, Mr Guy said, checking that all the bills were there as previously arranged.

In 2013, while Mr Guy was planning minister, The Shovel paid $10,000 to fast-track the approval of a satirical property development in Melbourne. Work on a Collins Street building in the shape of a pair of trousers started earlier this year.

14:00

Thoughtful Grey Nomads Put UHF Channel On Back Of Caravan So Truckies Can Easily Abuse Them The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An elderly home-owning Betoota Ponds couple set out on the trip of a lifetime earlier this month with no set destination. Norm and Beryl Funk sold their pool cleaning and stationery business and traded a life of stress and pay rates for a life spent on the road, chasing []

The post Thoughtful Grey Nomads Put UHF Channel On Back Of Caravan So Truckies Can Easily Abuse Them appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:30

Man With No Defining Personality Traits Wins A Few Laughs By Drinking Out Of Shoe The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bloke, who otherwise wouldnt be remembered as a party guest, has stolen the show at a local house party for a couple of minutes by doing a shoey out of his damp skater footwear. Jase Hollingworth (31) isnt well known for his one-liners, taste in music, or general knowledge, but []

The post Man With No Defining Personality Traits Wins A Few Laughs By Drinking Out Of Shoe appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:14

Turnbull Backs Yes Campaign, Just Wishes He Was In A Position To Do More The Shovel

malcolm turnbull yes

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has thrown his support behind the yes campaign in the upcoming same-sex marriage survey, but says it is just a pity he doesnt hold a position that gives him the opportunity to have more influence. 

Id love to see same-sex marriage made legal in Australia, and Im doing my bit, he told media today at a Liberals For Yes photo event. But wouldnt it be great if there was someone someone in a senior position, perhaps in some sort of government body or similar, that could just make this happen.

He said he wished he had more influence over the issue. Ill certainly be letting my local member know how I feel. Hopefully they can do something.

_____________________

By Robert A Penguin

11:39

Local Bloke Watches Monday Night Block Once And Vows Never To Watch Q&A Again The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Devoting many of his Monday nights to the highbrow delight that is the ABCs Q&A programme, a local network engineer had his world turned upside down last night by the nations most popular prime-time show. Sam Dunkeld told The Advocate that he was preparing his prepackaged lasagne dinner in the kitchen while he []

The post Local Bloke Watches Monday Night Block Once And Vows Never To Watch Q&A Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:42

Gold Coast Council Responds To Allegations Of Severe Political Corruption: Hehe The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Gold Coast Mayor Tom Tate has responded to last nights episode of ABC Four Corners by saying hehe after the ABC current affairs program on his councils close links with developers, and possible masking of bribes in campaign donations. Come on [laughter] Its not that bad he said. Deputy Mayor Donna Gates broke down []

The post Gold Coast Council Responds To Allegations Of Severe Political Corruption: Hehe appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:27

The trouble with people nowadays is.... TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Last week marked the zenith in Hillary Clinton's emergence from the Chappaqua woods in upstate New York, where she had been living in the forest after the election like some majestic woodland creature, only occasionally appearing in some adoring fan'...

09:25

Side-line dads banned from boys ballet classes in abusive behaviour crack-down NewsBiscuit

Dads who accompany their sons to ballet classes are to be banned if they use abusive and threatening behaviour from the side-lines. The move has come after complaints by other parents and ballet teachers that children are being pressurised and officials threatened by a growing number of angry fathers.

An increase in anti-social behaviour off the dance-floor has led to schools up and down the country banning parents from attending rehearsals. One ballet school described how a female teacher was physically assaulted during a rehearsal of Swan Lake.

A rather bull-necked gentleman leaped onto the stage and told her to watch her f****king step or else before cuffing his son across the ear.

Despite the teachers attempts to bring the rehearsal back to order the irate father began to pace up and down front stage yelling at his son to Shake his f****king feathers, Chase em down! and Get stuck in! causing a group of cygnets to scatter into the wings in tears before he grabbed the teacher by the throat.

Speaking later in his defence at Maidstone Magistrates Court he outlined what had happened.

Look, I might not be a qualified ballet teacher but when Charlie was told to perform a frontal Grande Battement straight after hed come out of that Grand Jet, I personally thought that was a step too far. As I saw it, he had time to do a couple of plis before chasing after them cygnets. Its logic. Besides which it really got my goat.

A spokesperson for the National Ballet Association said, Whilst we understand that parents can get a little excited in the heat of a ballet performance there is no room for abusive behaviour. As a result, only boys with double-barrelled surnames will be admitted to ballet schools in future and anyone called Elliot will have to contend with contemporary dance.

09:18

Kochie Mulling Over Replacing Ken Hinkley With The Cash Cow

Port Adelaide President David Koch has refused to rule out replacing Port Adelaide Coach Ken Hinkley with the cash cow, following Port Adelaides disappointing finals performance.

Im not afraid of making the hard calls as President, like building a wall around our home ground to keep out the Victorians, said Kochie. I respect Ken Hinkley and admire him but as a President I want results and so far Kenny hasnt delivered.

The cash cow on the other hand he always delivers and costs a fraction of what we pay Kenny.

When asked what knowledge of football the cash cow has Kochie replied: Hes a cow, what more does he need to know. I mean the footballs are made from cow leather, not Hinkley leather.

The (un)Australian reached out to current Port Adelaide coach Ken Hinkley for comment but he was out of the office chasing some Suns.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on...

08:20

Dersim to Secede from Dersim out of Frustration Worker's Spatula

DuzgunBaba

THE CITY THAT KNOWS NOT ITS OWN NAME Were doing it, kirwe, said Ali Mehmet, puffing on his Laz Marlboro, its really happening this time.

Youre joking, abi, exclaimed Mehmet Ali, his younger friend.

May there be Dzgn Baba, kirwe.

The Maoists, Dersims favourite tourist attraction, are hurriedly preparing for the upcoming independence referendum, in which Dersim will vote on whether to secede from itself, owing to the latters failure to defend the regions supposedly long-standing aspiration for freedom from the Turkish Republic which presently occupies it.

Dersim can never advance towards socialism so long as its still full of Dersimliler, explained Dilan Akda, a local DHF member, to our corespondent. Our people deserve better than to have to live under the oppression of the fascist Kemalist state that we routinely affirm our loyalty to with CHP votes.

The campaign has won widespread acceptance from the largely apathetic population, with the most significant voice of criticism coming from the post-DevYol grouplets Halkevleri and Kaldra, local members of which have been meeting with one another to coordinate for the no campaign.

Everyone attacks us as Kemalists, but our concern here is very genuinely socialist, explained Fatma...

08:15

Moment Jeremy Corbyn shut out Piers Morgan goes viral The Poke

Piers Morgan was in the Mail on Sunday talking about the GQ awards and the moment he tried to interrupt a conversation between Jeremy Corbyn and Arsenals Spanish footballer, Hector Bellerin.

Heres what happened.

The story has gone viral on Twitter, shared more than 6,000 times and liked 17,000.

06:47

Chinese rented sex dolls get "Chop Sued!" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A Chinese company that produced rental sex dolls for frustrated Chinese males waiting for their knackered wives to come home after working 12 hour shifts in local Beijing factories has been closed because the sex dolls were too sexy! It seems that...

04:41

A Desperate Ghost Town, N.J., Mayor asks an old friend for an ambulance-chasing, lawyering job TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Ghost Town, N.J., Mayor Martin Forrest Thwaite knew that within just months, he would most likely be out of a job. He was defeated in the last election by a landslide. So he did what any guy with a valid law degree would do - he struck out to get a j...

04:23

Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall Daily Discord

Nogales, AZAn angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of snowflake liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them

04:11

Lewis Hamilton goes vegan to help save the planet The Poke

Racing car driver Lewis Hamilton is going vegan to help save the planet, reports the BBC.

So far I dont feel as if I have been missing out. But I dont know how easy it is going to be when I get home. That is going to be a real test.

To which came this immaculate reply.

The post Lewis Hamilton goes vegan to help save the planet appeared first on The Poke.

03:59

Ryanair update their refund form after all those flight cancellations The Poke

In the wake of industrial-scale flight cancellations, Europes biggest airline has updated it refund application form.

The post Ryanair update their refund form after all those flight cancellations appeared first on The Poke.

03:19

All signs have a story to tell The Poke

Begs all sorts of questions, but we dont really want to hear any of the answers.

Takes us right back (sorry).

Source

The post All signs have a story to tell...

03:12

Watch 3 Hollywood legends take down Donald Trump The Poke

Shame the Emmys audience was a little bit ahead of them (but you can probably see it coming too).

Source

The post Watch 3 Hollywood legends take down Donald Trump appeared first on The Poke.

03:10

Justice Dept. to crack down on pumpkin spice Stubhill News

Justice Dept. puts pumpkin spice in its crosshairs.

03:08

Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying bastard will help The Poke

Which bastards your favourite?

Must have been a right bastard to put together.

READ MORE

Why Sean Bean must die in everything he is in

Source

The post Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying bastard will help appeared first on The Poke.

02:50

Kim Yong-un photo looks like lost Pink Floyd cover The Poke

It really does.

Here it is, with added artwork.

Delicate sound of rockets. Thats good but is it the best? Share your suggestion in the comments.

...

02:41

Is this the most northern sandwich ever? The Poke

Its the sandwich of the week at the New Cake and Sandwich Shop in Hyde and its a bit of a monster.

The cafes co-owner Samantha Mitchell told the Manchester Evening News:

I do prefer the bizarre sandwiches and Id heard of the Wigan kebab but decided to give it a twist a bit more so I decided with the chips and mushy peas.

Customers reactions have been fantastic. Obviously its not everyones choice.

At only 3 including gravy we cant think of a better carbs for quids option.

But the most northern sandwich ever, as some have suggested?

Source

The post Is this the most northern sandwich ever? appeared first on The Poke.

02:30

Danny Glover Debuts Rap Career as Fatherly Gambino The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Legendary actor Danny Glover debuted his long-awaited rap alter ego Fatherly Gambino early last week, according to reports from Twitter spelled out in fire emojis.

The rap game is about to change Fatherly Gambino is about to drop a fire mixtape on all ur azzes, tweeted TheDev__420, who saw Glover debut as Fatherly Gambino on Thursday.

Glover claimed the move was out of necessity.

I want to excite a younger audience who may not know my earlier work, and these millennials keep tweeting at me, asking when my next album is going to drop, Glover said, holding a diamond necklace in the shape of Jigsaw. I assumed they meant recordings of my speeches on civil rights and activism, but they were insistent I make rap music. Im hoping people will finally stop confusing me with that guy from Community.

While the Community actor in question, Donald Glover, is much younger, the two are often mistaken in real-world conversation and Twitter @replies. You wouldnt believe how many death threats I got when people thought I was playing Spider Man, said the elder Glover, of no relation to Donald Glover. Most of them were hand delivered, too. Its hard being friends with Mel Gibson.

Despite the excitement from many music fans, some were skeptical.

Related:

Ive been a fan of Danny Glover forever, but I just cannot see him as a rapper. Hes simply too old for this shit, said rap historian Jeremy Walsh as he patted himself on the back.

In addition to his work as Fatherly Gambino, Glover is planning to pen a dramatic series with undertones of social commentary.

Its about a town in Georgia where my mother grew up, Glover said. Its something Ive thought about doing for a long time. The TV landscape has changed so much; I think executives would allow me the creative control I need.

While the full Fatherly Gambino album is not set for release until early next year, actor Crispin Glover will reportedly debut his first rap album next week under the name G-McFly.

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02:28

The noise this penguin makes falling over is us most of the time The Poke

Source

The post The noise this penguin makes falling over is us most of the time appeared first on The Poke.

02:09

Faceswapping Justin Trudeau with Theresa May gives you an 80s era Gary Numan The Poke

Theresa May is in Canada to discuss plans for a post-Brexit trade deal, and this faceswap of her and Justin Trudeau results in him looking like a 1980s synth-pop star.

Are Friends Electric? The one on the left is certainly a robot

The post Faceswapping Justin Trudeau with Theresa May gives you an 80s era Gary Numan appeared first on The Poke.

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