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Friday, 17 November

03:30

Osiris D3 Expands to Double the Size When Threatened The Hard Times

CARLSBAD, Calif. Osiris announced a new model of their classic D3 skate shoe, which will expand to double its original size when threatened, company sources confirmed.

Fat, puffy, and bulbous skate shoe populations have been on a steady decline since the late 90s, said Osiris spokesperson Deborah Larson during Mondays release event. We feel confident the D3s built-in self-defense system can keep quantities in a more stabilized number within the skate shoe market. Besides, when they puff up, they look twice as cool.

To ensure the safety of itself and its owner, the shoe automatically intakes air when confronted with a threat such as a large stair set, handrail, or a security guard that takes their job too seriously.

I was bombing this hill the other day, and right when I got some gnarly speed wobbles, POOF! These things ballooned up to size 42 airbags. Saved my life, said prototype tester and professional skateboarder Jeremy Roberts. They also scared away a dude who tried to mug me at the ATM.

Roberts was later surprised to find the shoes have a tendency to increase in size to lure in potential sexual partners for the wearer.

Related:

Later that night at a bar, I was talking to this girl, and all of a sudden, my shoes puffed up to an elaborate display of leather and rubber while letting out a quick burst of pheromones that had collected in the heel cup from my session earlier, said Roberts. It was no match for the guys wearing skinny, Vans slip-ons.

Hoping to get more D3s on the retail market, Osiris understands that the shoe does have its complications.

We are keenly aware that the D3 can contain a toxin deadly to humans if not skated properly, said Larson. We will work alongside foreign governments of nations where the D3 is considered a rare delicacy to ensure it is not unlawfully hunted for its delectable meat.

I mean foam, she allegedly added under her breath.

Quit whatever you had planned and go shop our store right now:

02:00

Were just helping Mugabe find his keys, says army NewsBiscuit

The Zimbabwe army has denied that it has carried out a coup and placed Robert Mugabe under house arrest.  No, no, no, that is not true, a general told state media.  President Mugabe cannot leave his house as he has lost his keys and wouldnt be able to get back in.  All the troops and tanks you see out on the street are just looking for his keys.

Until President Mugabe finds his keys and is able to leave his house the army will carry out some errands for him, such as getting in some milk, collecting his pension and running the country.  Reports that his wife has fled to a WI meeting in Namibia with the keys in her handbag have not yet been confirmed.  Nor have suggestions the keys slipped down the back of former vice-president Emmerson Mnangagwas sofa when President Mugabe went to round his place to sack him last week.

The streets of Zimbabwes capital Harare have remained relatively calm with most citizens seeming to accept that at 93 President Mugabe is quite likely to lose things such as his keys or 37 years of power.

 

StanleyMizaru

01:50

Donald Trumps speeches are so incoherent they could have been written by predictive text The Poke

Heres @iamjohnoliver and his Last Week Tonight theory that Donald Trumps speeches are so nonsensical they could have been written by predictive text.

He might be onto something there.

READ MORE

Its so odd the way Donald Trump sips water from a bottle, people cant stop watching

Source

The post Donald Trumps speeches are so incoherent they could have been written by predictive text appeared first on The Poke.

00:30

List of 100 Greatest Drummers Dominated By Cartoon Octopuses The Hard Times

CEDAR GROVE, N.J. Modern Drummer magazines yearly list of 100 Greatest Drummers is once again comprised of over 60 percent cartoon octopuses, upsetting a number of human percussionists around the globe, sources report.

Its so, so, SO unfair, lamented Stewart Copeland, formerly of the Police and placed at 47 on the list, a full six slots below the octopus featured in the Under the Sea segment of The Little Mermaid. How can a flesh-and-blood human compete with something drawn to hold eight sticks and animated at any speed, its tentacles a blur of percussion mastery?

Drummers around the world believe the animated characters get more recognition due to their mainstream appeal.

Ive developed countless techniques to keep up with the natural gifts of octopus drummers, and this amounts to nothing in the music community, said Cryptopsy drummer Flo Mounier. The people who vote for these things turn on a TV, see a cartoon octopus playing, and automatically assume it is superior to a human, without taking into account any timing of rhythm.

Despite the criticism, Modern Drummer management stood by the inclusion of sea-dwelling creatures.

Related:

Modern Drummer shines a light on the contemporary culture of percussion. It is our belief that that includes goofy fictional cephalopods, and it always has been, said publisher Isabel Spagnardi from her New Jersey home. What these people are forgetting is those octopi are playing underwater. Lets see Danny Seraphine take his kit to the shallow end of a pool and see how he holds up.

While some readers remain outraged, many in online forums defended the list.

Yeah, Bonhams great Moe Tucker, Keith Moon I have room for them all, loyal Modern Drummer subscriber Lydia Melman said. But Squiddly Diddlys ranked first for a reason. Nobody forgets when and where they were the first time they saw him bug out on some drums. I guess because its typically in front of the TV, Saturday morning, actually, but still.

At press time, none of the animated sea creatures on the list could be reached for comment, due to the complete lack of interest in the list from the animators and voice actors.

...

00:30

10 ways the BBC hit back at that Sun front page The Poke

So heres the Suns front page about the BBC today.

BBC workers have been accused of wasting licence payers money after several were photographed dozing at their desks.

The napping night-shifters were snapped by an angry colleague on the BBC News channel at Broadcasting House, London.

And heres how the BBC responded.

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00:00

Im So Tired of Movies That Only Have One Token RoboCop Character The Hard Times

Regularly scheduled programming helps me take a few moments to ease the gas off of my brain and feel like Im part of something larger than myself. Television is the culture. Its supposed to be inclusive and progressive, a kind reflection of its audience. People like me are represented with all kinds of personalities, ambitions, and flaws on TV but every time I see a RoboCop on screen its the same egregiously offensive stereotype. The one dimensional RoboCop stock character needs to be put to rest.

The token Robocop character provides a service. If somebody in, say, Desolate Cultural Abyss, Wisconsin has never met a RoboCop before, casting one can open a closed mind or two. But every RoboCop on TV is the same: stiff and emotionally distant, no nonsense, and hard working. Like Standard RoboCop Operating System 8.1, these stereotypes are obsolete, and like Standard RoboCop Operating System 6.5, these stereotypes are dangerous.

Not all RoboCops know each other. In fact, being a RoboCop in the persecutory slog of America can be isolating and alienating. Contrary to what the movies will tell you, RoboCops are just as empathetic and sensitive as any of us. Just because a RoboCop cant cry doesnt mean he or she or THEY wouldnt LIKE to cry.

And lets get this out of the way: not all RoboCops are police officers. Thats a myth perpetuated by American ignorance. The festering bigotry of contemporary cinema and television always introduces a RoboCop character as being an officer of the law. Where are the RoboCop bakers? The RoboCop mailmen? My RoboCop son lays awake every night, crying, telling me he doesnt want to be a police officer. But flip on the television and what do you see? Another RoboCop making an arrest, driving a squad car, and twirling his gun!

We almost got a RoboCop produced, RoboCop written, RoboCop performed TV show in 2009, but slimy meddling executives got their hands on the show and butchered it beyond recognition. In September of that year, Modern Family premiered on ABC, and the last shred of what had been, a RoboCop butler, was cut from the show after negative audience reactions in the first season.

This is a call to action as a community to defeat the leviathan of contempt and push for more RoboCops on the big screen. Theyre people and deserve to have their voices to be heard. They matter and they are important and we cannot silence them as we would the common Irish.

Show your solidarity with Robocops with a Hard Times t-shirt:

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Thursday, 16 November

23:00

Russia strongly criticises Corbyns future acceptance speech NewsBiscuit

How can a man set to increase his majority in Islington North by 4242 votes including 789 proxies think we care about British so-called-free elections? said a Kremlin spokesman. Mr Corbyn should concentrate on what he does best; whistling the Internationale every time he poos, and reading the Daily Express in the cupboard under the stairs where he thinks no-one can see him.

The Kremlin also denied all knowledge of the surprise Belgian Christmas number one (a military march from St Petersburg), the winning ticket of the Sutton Grammar School Christmas Raffle (belongs to one V Putin), and the Great British Bake Off 2018 announcement (to be won by someone called Natasha who only speaks Russian, wears a wig and cites bare-chested horse riding as her hobby).

The draft speech, kept under Mr Corbyns bed in a red Huntley & Palmers biscuit tin, is thought to contain the phrase at least we won fair and square, not like Donald Trump.  Its ridiculous to suggest we mess with everything, said the spokesman, you Brits are quite capable of screwing things up yourselves.  Besides, Agent Leith works for the Americans since she swapped sides.

22:47

That Greggs sausage roll Advent calendar our favourite 13 responses The Poke

You may have seen by now the minor kerfuffle caused by Greggs after everyones favourite high street bakery chain swapped the baby Jesus for a sausage roll in its spoof Advent calendar this year.

What were they doing opening door number 19 anyway? Theyre a month early!

Heres 13 of our favourite responses online.

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22:00

Injustice 2 DLC Finally Lets You Punch Zack Snyder The Hard Times

CHICAGO Netherrealm Studios announced director Zack Snyder as a new playable character for the hit DC Comics fighting game Injustice 2 to coincide with the release of Justice League, finally allowing fans to use their favorite fans to pummel the man responsible for the trainwreck that is the DC Extended Universe.

For $5.99, the DLC bundle includes Zack Snyder, who has no offensive moves and who alternates between whimpering, apologizing and saying I deserve this for making Batman brand people when hit.

The character has a variety of alternate skins like Director of Batman v Superman Snyder, Director of Sucker Punch Snyder and Joss Whedon.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Detractors, however, are upset about the inclusion, stating they wish the DLC packs included more traditional characters, instead of a blatant appeal to the current DC films.

I understand DC wants to take care of the movie fans by including their favorite cinematic villains, said Jason Kraushaar. But what about the old villains from the comics like Scott Lobdell, Brian Michael Bendis or latter-day Frank Miller?

DC has a rich history of creators I would like to repeatedly punch in the face and I wish the games tapped into that more, Kraushaar added as he slid returned hand-written death threats into the sleeves of various comic books he collected.

Snyders super move is reported to be a filter of darkness that covers the otherwise-colorful DC universe so nobody can really tell what the fuck is happening anymore. Other than that, Netherrealm Studios explained that Snyder although a playable character has no moveset; he can only be attacked by other characters.

...

21:00

Home Office to phase out full-facial passport photos for gimps NewsBiscuit

The Home Office is to waive the rule which insists on a full-facial photograph where the applicant is a leather-clad sex slave habitually used to peering through a mask. The proposed moves follows pressure from the Liberal Democrats who claim it is necessary to avoid problems encountered by people who are chained to a leash 24/7 and are only able to breathe through a narrow opening.

Currently everybody with a passport must identify themselves as either male or female on the document.  But the Home Office has begun a consultation on changing the system to allow a category for the small minority of people who are unable to tick either box because they are only allowed out of a dungeon for short intervals.

The new ruling will insist only that the photos be in colour, against a plain background, and that the leather outfit and face-mask are the most recently worn. The leash must be fully visible at all times. Gimps and associated sex dwarves should also be facing forward, staring directly at camera through the narrow eye slots and must not be urinated on while the photograph is taken.

Although the lack of a golden shower may enrage some enthusiasts, it is thought essential to avoid problems such as lens flare.  Lib Dem Home Office Minister Lynne Featherstone said This new approach to passport processing uses cutting-edge biometric iris recognition technology so we cannot overstate the need for gimps to keep their eyes wide open and face the camera no matter how much pain and degradation they are currently experiencing.

Youll still need to get Section 10 countersigned by your gimp-master or dominatrix who must confirm that you are fully resident within the UK and are in a consensual sub-dom relationship with them.

We hope these new guidelines will dispense with the requirement for gimps to remove their restrictive head gear when passing through immigration controls. Last night Nigel Farndon, a full-time gimp from Solihull, gave a guarded welcome to the ruling. Having to remove the leather mask at customs checks was an infringement of my fundamental human rights which I found extremely humiliating.  It was sheer ecstasy.

20:00

Mums Week Away Now Very Evident After Dad Serves Shepherds Pie For 4th Dinner In A Row The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It is not lost on the teachers at South Betoota primary that the Andersen kids have been constantly yawning throughout the school day, after four 9:30pm sheperds pie dinners in a row. The current dysfunctionality of their household has become so obvious that the school principal has gone as far as calling their []

The post Mums Week Away Now Very Evident After Dad Serves Shepherds Pie For 4th Dinner In A Row appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:00

Newsbiscuits Guide to Zimbabwe NewsBiscuit

  • Zimbabwe derives its name from an attempt to cheat at Scrabble by Cecil Rhodes.
  • Zimbabwe recently won the international irony championship after placing the president under house arrest, then getting a man wearing military fatigues to announce that this wasnt a coup.
  • If you flip Zimbabwe around on the map, it looks a bit like Anglesey, which is appropriate because it cuts down an area of farmland the size of Wales every week. Probably.
  • The odds against Rhodesia being discovered by someone who just happened to be called Rhodes are nearly three million to one.
  • Robert Mugabe can sing all the songs from Legally Blonde the Musical
  • Poaching is a problem, most Zimbabweans opt to scramble.
  • There are 147 official languages including: zcouse, Manq, Broomi and Kokni
  • In literary circles Mr. Mugabes toothbrush moustache is called foreshadowing
  • Pamela Stevenson is delighted as she can now revive her Not the Nine Oclock News impersonations of Angela Rippon talking about Robert Moo-ga-bay and Joshua Enn-Kohmo.
  • When Zimbabwean men want to complement their girlfriends on their appearance, they say Darling, you look a trillion dollars
  • Mr. Mugabe tried to sort out the economy by making inflation illegal (fakenews).
  • Subsequently he tried to end corruption and (in particular) bribery, by rendering his countrys currency completely valueless. This has not been noticeably successful.
  • The national musical instrument, the mbira, is also known as the thumb piano. Oh grow up
  • Zimbabwe is even lower than Scotland in the FIFA World Rankings
  • Victoria Falls is actually a (yet to be repaired) plumbing disaster
  • Zimbabwes major exports are bad news and empty shell cases
  • Zimbabwe set to become Chinas 24th Province Zimbabwai

(hattips DavidH, Oxbridge, Sinnick, Smart Alex, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Titus & Dick Everyman)

 

18:57

Strict Greens Recycling Policy Sees Discarded 90s Politician Turned Into Senator The Shovel

Andrew Bartlett

The Greens have chosen to re-use an old senator they found washed up in Canberra, rather than waste resources on a brand new Senator.

The impressive commitment to the partys Reduce, Reuse, Recycle policy was announced by party leader Richard Di Natale months ago and put into action this week.

Usually old politicians end up in landfill, but we prefer to make do with the throwaways others discard.

Mr Di Natale said the senator was a little bit coarser and rougher around the edges now but would do for the moment.

Although that moment might be up sooner than thought the recycled senator may soon need to be thrown out again.

18:40

This Southern Rail life hack changes everything The Poke

Patrick Dalton has discovered an amazing life hack that works on Southern Rail trains:

Those terrible journeys will just fly by now.

Source: Twitter/@shitlondon

The post This Southern Rail life hack changes everything appeared first on The Poke.

18:26

When dad cleans your Girls World doll with white spirit and the face comes off The Poke

Looking like bizarre take on those no make-up selfies on Instagram comes these two photos:

The lack of brows are super creeping me out right now. says @Rammi.

Who knew Girls Worlds faces were so weird?

Source: Twitter/@TashP351

The post When dad cleans your Girls World doll with white spirit and the face comes off appeared first on The Poke.

16:49

83% Rise In Stan Subscriptions After New Ad Featuring Aussie Favourite Don Cheadle The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian TV and movie streaming service STAN have seen an over 80% rise in their subscriptions after featuring famous American actor Don Cheadle is several of their new ads. The actor, who made waves in Australia in his role as the principal on Mean Girls, also as the American cop in that Irish []

The post 83% Rise In Stan Subscriptions After New Ad Featuring Aussie Favourite Don Cheadle appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:26

Famed Spanish Restorer Called In To Fix $450 Million Salvator Muni The Shovel

salvator muni

Selling for a world-record $450 million at auction last night, Leonardo Da Vincis Salvator Mundi still needed some work, according to experts.

World-renowned Spanish restorer Ceclia Gimenez famous for her work on Ecco Homo was called in for the job, cleaning up some deficiencies in Leonardos original work and bringing a sharper, clearer focus to the painting.

Art historian Joseph McMillon said Leonardos true intent in this painting had now been brought to life. Salvator Mundi can now rightfully stand beside Leonardos other works such as the Mona Lisa, Virgin of the Rocks and Lady with an Ermine.

Mrs Gimenez said that she was pleased with the result and is now heading to Vatican City to correct parts of the Michelangelos ceiling of Sistine Chapel.

____________________

By Richard Evans

16:14

Gaming Community Concede Pixelated Strippers In Duke Nukem Are Hard To Top The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After two decades of rapid developments in CGI, one local gamer has realised that not much gets his blood pumping the same way the heavily pixelated strippers in the 1996 PC game Duke Nukem 3D did. A recent report by the ACMA has found that the entire Australian gaming community has never been []

The post Gaming Community Concede Pixelated Strippers In Duke Nukem Are Hard To Top appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:07

Big Boys Carb-Heavy Lunch Not Doing Wonders For Productivity The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Barrelling down Adelaide Street in the heart of Betootas Financial District, a top-heavy auditor meandered down the footpath back to the office like mighty Ord River flows into the Timor Sea. Graham Washbrook has a sweat on. Hes just been down the road at the local Chinese, were he threw caution to the wind []

The post Big Boys Carb-Heavy Lunch Not Doing Wonders For Productivity appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:25

If Elected To The Senate Judge Roy Moore Will Be A Stain On The Republican Party Daily Discord

Nonsense, he will fit right in with the rest of the rightwing skidmarks.

12:56

Australia Exhales As News Cycle Returns To Hollywood Sex Crimes And Citizenship Drama The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a brief hiatus spent reporting about yesterdays same-sex marriage survey results, the Australia media cycle has returned to relaying news of Hollywood stars acting inappropriately and politicians who forgot to renounce their dual-citizen status before running for office. As the same-sex marriage debate hit fever pitch yesterday morning, the nations new publishers []

The post Australia Exhales As News Cycle Returns To Hollywood Sex Crimes And Citizenship Drama appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:16

Man Now At Point In Relationship Where Hes Allowed To Buy His Own Clothes The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a word, Peter Granger is chuffed. For a number of years now, the 31-year-old hasnt been trusted to select and purchase his own clothes because according to his partner, hes got the taste of a tongueless drunk. But this morning, Granger confidently strode into the South Betoota Rivers []

The post Man Now At Point In Relationship Where Hes Allowed To Buy His Own Clothes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:42

Bloke From The ABS Pretty Happy With How Well He Handled His Fifteen Minutes The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian Bureau of Statistics head statistician, David Kalisch is reportedly still pretty chuffed after unwittingly delivering one of the most important messages for civil rights in recent years, while unveiling the results of the 2017 same-sex marriage postal vote. Did I look good up there? he asked his wife while relaxing in the bathtub last []

The post Bloke From The ABS Pretty Happy With How Well He Handled His Fifteen Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

Nelsons Column converted into flats NewsBiscuit

Nelsons Column has been converted into 30 affordable dwellings, with generous views and near-standing room for all but the average in height.  The iconic structure has stood for over 200 years; held together by pigeon shit and a rabid dislike of the French.

The 169 ft building has been infamously under-developed, with most of be structure wasted on supporting just one resident.  But thanks to some vertical boring and the worlds narrowest lift, 30 families will be able to stoop in luxury inside the generous 57 high executive apartments.

Parking is limited and ablutions are of the do it in the fountains at night variety.  The vertical tubular housing solution also has other innovative features.  If you live at the top, obviously everyone else will have to go out first to make room for your descent explained the architect. But what do you bloody expect for 800 grand?

Simon Travis is hopeful the new development will mean that at 63, he can finally move out of his parents home.  Its time to leave the nest and settle down with my girlfriend. Shes really excited. Its been very cramped sharing a Victorian postbox with both my parents and three siblings. But this will be the very definition of high-rise living.

Newscat

10:43

Conservative Migrant Says Gay People Should Go Back To Where They Came From The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Western Sydney man says the gay population need to go back to wherever they came from, presumably San Francisco or Bangkok after being disheartened by same-sex marriage postal vote results yesterday. John, a father and grandfather of Australian-born citizens, says this is isnt the kind of Australia he used to know. []

The post Conservative Migrant Says Gay People Should Go Back To Where They Came From appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:32

Its so odd the way Donald Trump sips water from a bottle, people cant stop watching The Poke

So-called president stops during speech to take a sip of water wouldnt ordinarily be news, right?

Except for two things. One, he once mocked a Republican rival for having to stop mid-speech to have a drink.

Two, just look at the way he does it. Seriously.

Heres what people made of it online.

08:28

Abbott: Islam Contradicts Australian Values On Gay Marriage

Abbott Poster

Member for Warringah, Tony Abbott has sent a stinging rebuke to Islam at a press conference held today, in the wake of the results of the postal survey on same-sex marriage.

Australia is a country of tolerance and acceptance, Mr Abbott said, and despite the best efforts of campaigners like myself, it has expressed its support for the homosexual agenda.

As such, a religion like Islam, which values homophobia, has no place in a country that so overwhelmingly rejected the campaigning of people like myself.

The current backbencher touted how religions like Islam were stuck in the past.

Sure, if you look into Australias deep history, say a couple of days ago, people back then were less progressive on gay marriage. But Australia has evolved and I can say that as a fact, because I fought so hard to prevent it from happening.

Religions like Christianity reflect Australian values. Religious representatives like Dr Paul Collins, Pastor Simon Holt, and Father Rod Bower are often unafraid to criticise the many homophobic positions I have argued in the media.

Modern Australia is a pro-gay Australia, and as such, Australia must reject the corrupting and homophobic influence of Islam as surely as they rej...

04:42

One suspect, three cops, one front door. What can go wrong? The Poke

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02:03

Caroline Flack tweeted this and a Chuckle Brother had the perfect response The Poke

Not often we feature Caroline Flack on The Poke but Paul Chuckles response to this tweet left us no option.

We should add it may not be entirely office friendly, depending on your office.

So heres what the erstwhile talent show spin-off presenter tweeted.

Cue Chuckle.

Still got it, Paul.

READ MORE

Classic works of art improved by the Chuckle Brothers

...

02:00

Man banned from local gym after failing to urinate in shower NewsBiscuit

A Doncaster man has been banned from his local gym after it was found that he had been regularly having a post-workout shower without taking a piss at the same time.  The offence was spotted by the male changing room cleaner, who noted that the shower tray remained a pristine white colour after Peter Smith, 24, emerged at 630pm each evening, rather than having the more typical light yellow film around the edges.

Ive been under a lot of pressure recently, and in my rush to free up the shower for other users at a busy time of day, I forgot basic changing room etiquette, argued Smith in his defence.  With a bit more time, I would have undoubtedly turned towards the wall, lathered up some extra shower gel to hide the flow of urine, and enjoy the sensation of warm piss on leg, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Filthy b*stard, said a naked man in the male changing rooms today, as he walked from the showers back to his changing spot, towel round his neck, dripping absolutely everywhere.  Its people like that who ruin this place for everyone else.  Now, if you dont mind, Ive got to absent-mindedly tug at my penis whilst standing about three inches away from you, before doing that thing where I dry my undercarriage by putting one leg on the bench and then start that two-handed sawing motion from front to back with the towel.

01:25

Jeremy Hunt was owned by Ralf Little on mental health and its a joy from start to finish The Poke

Jeremy Hunt double dared Ralf Little to challenge him over the government track record on mental health care.

So the Royle Family actor did just that, taking down the so-called health secretary one glorious tweet at a time. It goes on a bit there are 44 of them but its worth every second of your time.

We think this might be our favourite bit, when he tells Hunt:

So in actual fact you are quoting a figure to state your position and measure your successes that NO ONE CAN CONFIRM. I dont blame you if no one kept a record of Oscar winners Id be telling everyone Ive got four.

Mr Little, its over to you.

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01:00

Pop-Punk Frontman Reunited with Girlfriend After Performing at 18+ Show The Hard Times

TULSA, Okla. Saving Daylight frontman Jason Hill was successfully reunited with his girlfriend Kelsie Tanner late yesterday evening after the 18+ show she was prevented from entering had ended, multiple sources report.

According to officials, the 27-year-old pop-punk vocalist was held inside for upward of three hours by the venues strict no re-entry policy following Saving Daylights set during the age-restricted show.

Its honestly such bullshit that they base these things on some arbitrary number, Hill said, still upset his girlfriend of three weeks couldnt join him. If it were going by maturity level or whatever, she wouldve been allowed in there, no problem. She isnt like other girls in this scene. Shes, like, real.

Hill was trapped inside the venue amid the ordeal with only a full bar, a kitchen serving finger foods, several friends, and nearly two dozen women his own age with whom to converse.

Listen I dont have anything against older girls. Ive just personally never met one I connected with, thats all, Hill explained. Besides, seems like itd be kind of sexist or whatever to date someone only because theyre legally considered adults. I dont know, dude. I support all women, and I like to think of myself as sort of a mentor to them.

Scene regulars confirmed Hills creepy relationships with several minors over the years.

Related:

God, that guy is so fucking gross, said Holly Schanz, who was in attendance. He used to comment on my friends little sisters Instagram like, every day, until she asked if he was someones dad and he replied that she was ass ugly anyway LOL. What grown man signs an insult LOL? Fucking idiot.

Show goers were released around 10 p.m., at which point Hill immediately headed to a nearby Dennys, where Tanner and several of her friends were eating french fries and drinking coffee.

See, shes fuckin cool. You just have to get to know her, Hill said of his girlfriend, who was mere minutes away from missing her curfew. I dont know. You wouldnt understand.

At press time, Hill was overheard asking his girlfriend about that guy she was talking to, a 16-year-old busboy she knows from second-period math class.

The best way to s...

00:19

Did this guy really try to bicycle kick a balloon in broad daylight in the street? The Poke

This probably seemed like a good idea at the time. It looks like hes being watched on CCTV or something similar. Finally, putting Big Brother to good use.

Ouch.

Nice touch at the end, though.

00:00

I Think the Best Way to Beat ISIS is to Join and Make Positive Changes From Within The Hard Times

Im sick of keyboard warriors talking about how bad ISIS is but doing absolutely nothing to fix it. Blah blah, decapitated journalists, boo hoo ethnic cleansing. Well then do something about it!

And no, militant right wingers, bombs arent the answer because you cant kill an idea. The best way to beat ISIS is to join them and make positive changes from within.

Look, I hate ISIS as much as the next guy. All Im saying is I see a lot of criticism and not a lot of action. I think we can all agree on one thing: theres always going to be an ISIS. You cant have a society without an ISIS. The question, then, is what kind of ISIS do we want it to be? You cant just opt out of the system thats in place and then act like you have a right to complain.

Related: What a Waste: Criss Angel Refuses to Use His Powers to Fight ISIS

 

Heres an example. Lets say Im in ISIS and we are recapturing the town of Al-Qaryatayn in Syria, massacring civilians, beating children, and brutalizing women. Because Im there, an active and willing member of ISIS, I have the opportunity to speak up and say, Hey guys, this is great and all, but maybe we dont have to break all the womens arms this time?

My ISIS pals will think about my words, stand up, and applaud. Thats how you make a difference.

So Im going to wake up tomorrow, purchase a fake passport, fly to Syria via like six other countries, avoid police, customs, and hostile locals, and when I am finally face to face with ISIS soldiers, I will speak to them in the Arabic I taught myself on the plane: Allahu akbar. And the revolution will begin.

Because if youre not part of ISIS, youre part of the problem.

Now sure what to wear on your trip to Syria? The Hard Times has you covered:

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Wednesday, 15 November

23:58

Best graffiti youll see this week The Poke

And because youre in the mood for this sort of thing

Good old John Cravens Newsround (will never forget it breaking the news of the Challenger disaster).

READ MORE

5 of the most hideous jumpers to have appeared on British TV in the 80s

Source

The post Best graffiti youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

23:15

When a Viz Top Tip might actually change your life The Poke

Everyone loves Top Tips, right? But who knew they could change your life?

And heres a brilliant story about someone who tried something similar, but with a bit more work involved.

Here are some more variations on the theme.

23:00

Flat Earth Society now a truly Global organisation NewsBiscuit

Fred Helm, Chairman of the Flat Earth Society, has announced that the venerable society has gone truly global weve got branches all around the globe, he said today. Flat Earthers believe that the planet is a disc, not a sphere, that the Earth doesnt revolve around the sun and that Donald Trump is for real.

We are so popular now, we quite literally are communicating with colleagues on the other side of the, er, planet, he added, before going outside and shooting himself.

22:59

How to tell if theres been a military coup this guy is reading the news The Poke

Heres Zimbabwes Major General Sibusiso Moyo dismissing rumours of a military coup. We know this because he said it on TV.

Except, well

Source

The post How to tell if theres been a military coup this guy is reading the news appeared first on The Poke.

22:34

Rush On School Dresses For Boys Following Marriage Equality Verdict The Shovel

same sex marriage ad

Parents around Australia have rushed to department stores and uniform shops to snap up dresses for their sons, following the yes vote on marriage equality.

Mothers and fathers said they were keen to have the correct uniform for their sons, which will soon include a dress, and possibly a bra for older boys. Retailers said they were struggling to keep up with demand.

School says same sex marriage will mean big changes in the classroom, Lindy Wilson from Brisbane said. So I just wanted to ensure my son Hugo was appropriately dressed for term one.

She said she bought him a range of other items too, to ensure compliance with the new regime. Ive bought him a dildo and a gimp costume too, just so he can get ahead on the core year three curriculum for next year.

_______________________________

By Zlatko Spralja 

22:00

Marvel Greenlights Superhero Movie Following Success of Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, The Avengers, Iron Man 3, Thor: Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Ant-Man, Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Spider-Man Homecoming, and Thor: Ragnarok The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Marvel Studios announced today that they would be cautiously greenlighting a new superhero film as a result of the financial and critical success of Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, The Avengers, Iron Man 3, Thor: Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Ant-Man, Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Spider-Man Homecoming, and Thor: Ragnarok, according to close sources.

Its always difficult to agree to finance a blockbuster film, said President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige. But we crunched the numbers and it looks like Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, The Avengers, Iron Man 3, Thor: Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Ant-Man, Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Spider-Man Homecoming, and Thor: Ragnarok managed to do well enough in theaters for us to justify making another superhero movie and we are really excited about that.

Its uncertain if this next superhero movie will also be a success but given the last 17 films we have made, its definitely possible, he added. We are not sure what the story will be yet, but we are thinking it will star a snarky wise-cracking protagonist.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Upon hearing the announcement from Feige, DC Films also announced that they would be making a superhero movie.

Truth be told, this isnt about the successes or failures of ...

21:32

Local Gay Socceroos Supporter Literally Explodes The Betoota Advocate

GREG BOWMAN | Ball Sports | Contact As if today couldnt get any better for Dave Hatton, it just did. This morning, his love for his partner Michael was validated and accepted by the majority of his fellow Australians. Tonight, his second loves just qualified for the 2018 FIFA World Cup. Speaking to The Advocate moments []

The post Local Gay Socceroos Supporter Literally Explodes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

21:11

Our 10 favourite takes on that Daily Telegraph front page The Poke

The Daily Telegraph switched into full-on crush the mutineers mode with todays front page. Its as if theyre worried that Brexit might not happen.

Here are 10 of our favourite responses online.

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21:00

A Review Of Zanos Review Of Wilbers Trump And A Post-Truth World Daily Discord

Someone needs to put Zano back in his place and that someone is me! Hes starting to get a little too smug in his old age and sometimes he needs reminded hes not a Jedi yet. This is a rebuttal of sorts to his feature: A Review Of Ken Wilbers Trump And A Post-Truth World: Or, How I Stopped Evolving And

21:00

Boxing club defends cot-fighting event NewsBiscuit

the 'battle for the rattle'A sports club in Preston which charged adults 25 a ticket to watch a fight between two 18-month-old boys has denied that the toddlers in question were being exploited.

The controversial cot-fight between Tommy Rusk-crusher Jones and Benny Bedwetter Benson was eventually stopped in the third round because it was time for the challengers afternoon nap. Club owner Barry Hardwick defended the contest, saying No one forces these toddlers to fight all we do is put one really nice toy in the cot; after that, its up to them what they get up to.

When it was pointed out that Tommy was crying loudly throughout the bout, Mr Hardwick said, Well they do that, dont they? He also defended the lack of gum shields on the grounds that they havent got many teeth yet and theyre going to fall out in a few years anyway. He also pointed out the extensive padding worn by the youngsters, all be it mainly in the nappy area.

Defenders of the event point to the educational and health benefits of cot fighting. Toddler boxing is a noble and ancient sport and gives the under-twos a regulated outlet for their aggression, said Hardwick. If they werent knocking each other unconscious these youngsters might be out rioting or mugging or something. Now that can wait until they start nursery school.

The two toddlers were unavailable for comment, as it was way past their bedtime. However, Bensons manager told the press, My boy Benny is hoping to grow up and become a cage-fighter by the time hes four, adding, Just as long as no one forces him to marry Jordan. Now that would be cruel.

20:28

Brexit turns out Vladimir Putin was in the driving seat all along The Poke

Biggest news story today is how much Russia interfered in the Brexit vote.

If only wed bothered to take a closer look. The clues were there.

Check out the drivers seat.

Nyet!

The post Brexit turns out Vladimir Putin was in the driving seat all along appeared first on The Poke.

20:27

Corker, Trump Dispute Leads to a Fruitful Discussion about the Merits of Adult Undergarments TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, DC. Tensions are running high--once again--between Capitol Hill and 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. According to multiple reports, corroborated by several sources close to Capitol Hill and Pennsylvania Avenue, and documented by video and au...

18:19

People are confused by Jacob Rees-Moggs face while he waits his turn to speak The Poke

Does Jacob Rees-Moggs face always do this? Or is it just a sign of his boiling fury that the chap next to him Labour MP Chuka Umanna dare question Brexit?

17:56

There are so many mass shootings in the US that Trump has started to mix them up The Poke

After yet another horrific shooting in the US, Donald Trump sent this message out on Twitter today.

Except that was nine days ago, the Texas church shooting that left at least 26 dead.

This latest shooting was in California where a gunman killed four people at several different locations including a school.

So either the so-called president was nine days late with this hugely helpful thoughts and prayers or there are so many shootings in the US right now he just got mixed up.

Heres how people replied to Trump.

16:14

Nations Tradies Remind Their Apprentices That They Can Get Married Now Too Haha The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota-based builder Bevan Parker has today reminded his 17-year-old apprentice, Scotty, that he can get married now and asked him when the big day is. Youd be stoked about the news wouldnt ya? asks Bevan. Hahaha While the surrounding sub-contractors giggle at Bevs , Scotty responds with a light-hearted Oi! fuck []

The post Nations Tradies Remind Their Apprentices That They Can Get Married Now Too Haha appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:55

Elderly No Voters Run For Their Lives As The Gay Overtakes Their Warringah Cul-De-Sac The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Fleeing with just the clothes on their backs, a number of no-voting Warringah seniors only had a matter of minutes to escape the gay which has seemingly won the hearts of 75% of their fellow residents. Gwendolyn Jackson, 69, said she heard the news echo throughout her Davidson home from the AM radio in []

The post Elderly No Voters Run For Their Lives As The Gay Overtakes Their Warringah Cul-De-Sac appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:48

Turnbull Tells Abbott This Is The Last Time Australia Will Blow $122M On Stroking His Ego The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Malcolm Turnbull has taken the time out of his busy day to catch up with arch-nemesis and his predecessor, Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott. It is believed that aside from rubbing int todays same-sex marriage survey results, Turnbull has made a point of telling Tony Abbott that the Coalition government will never again []

The post Turnbull Tells Abbott This Is The Last Time Australia Will Blow $122M On Stroking His Ego appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:43

Bottle Shop Employee Considers Legally Changing His Name To Champ The Betoota Advocate

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT A local liquor store employee has spoken out at his frustration at everyone calling him Chief or Champ Its like those words doesnt even mean anything any more said Gary Tripe, 37, of Dapto. I mean, they call me Chief, and then as soon as I order them to do something, they look []

The post Bottle Shop Employee Considers Legally Changing His Name To Champ appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:31

Man Spends $5,000 to Turn Up Whatever Anti-Aliasing Is The Hard Times

MADISON, Wis. Local gamer Matt Sameson has reportedly spent over $5,000 for the ability to turn up whatever anti-aliasing is. Sameson accomplished this by simply rebuilding his entire PC from scratch due to a fundamental misunderstanding regarding which pieces did the anti-aliasing, and what that meant, receipts show.

Anti-aliasing, which can now be turned up all the way on Samesons rig, hes pretty sure, has something to do with edges, or maybe the grittiness of textures after depth perception blur is turned on, or whatever. According to close sources, its definitely better than aliasing.

I have over 16GB of DDR3, or DDR4. Which is better, Sameson said to interviewers. Thats what did the trick. Now my strafing is so smooth without all that aliasing bullshit. The graphics are more pronounced?

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Anti-aliasing, which fights all aliasing, a serious, super specific problem that affects many things, is important to gaming, Sameson told Hard Drive.

As soon as I started building my new rig, I knew I had to go all the way, Sameson said. But my new solid state drive is much bigger than my old, liquid state one, and so aliasing stands no chance. Plus there was all that water in the old one. Listen, I bought the most expensive option and its definitely sick.

Early reports indicate that all of Samesons colors and pixels are much different and better now, in ways that are very known and understood by Sameson.

PC Master Race, Samson muttered under his breath as reporters left the scene.

12:28

Sydneys Oxford Street Braces Itself Ahead Of Knock-Off The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In roughly four hours, the residents of Sydneys iconic gay district will be leaving their workplaces with a little extra spring in their step. Business owners and local councillors are flat out at this moment battening down windows and setting up hydration tents as a swarm of jovial homosexuals are expected to be []

The post Sydneys Oxford Street Braces Itself Ahead Of Knock-Off appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:09

Local Young Liberals Chapter Concede They May Have Slightly Misread This One The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though hed tell himself he could bat a bit, Courtney Walsh would often walk out into the middle, misread the first ball and be on his way back to the pavilion all within a few minutes. A number of local Young Liberals explained to The Advocate that theyre feeling []

The post Local Young Liberals Chapter Concede They May Have Slightly Misread This One appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:45

Sessions Changes Story On Never Having Changed His Story, Or Im Not Back Peddling On All My Earlier Back Peddling Daily Discord

Washington, DCAttorney General Jeff Sessions back-peddled so long today in front of the House Judiciary Committee that the Guinness World Record people have been notified by this publication, but have yet to comment. Today Mr. Sessions delegated all blame for his own conduct in all directions. In one particularly heated exchange, he told the committee, Look, where

11:16

Desperate "Broiler" Chicken Tries to Convince Consumers that, Contrary to Common Wisdom, He's Actually NOT Healthy to Eat TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A nameless five-week-old "broiler" chicken, clearly feeling the heat as he approached his looming slaughter at the age of six weeks, desperately tried to convince health-conscious consumers that, contrary to popular wisdom, he's actually not healthy...

11:03

No Campaign Returns To Their Safe Space The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Since the ABS announced almost two-thirds of Australia voted in favour of marriage equality in the postal plebiscite, no campaigners around the nation have been spotted returning to their safe spaces. End of days is coming mate. Im hitting the pews while the skys still blue. After a respectful debate involving physical []

The post No Campaign Returns To Their Safe Space appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

Shark tried to grope me claims Brit surfer NewsBiscuit

A UK surfer says he was forced to punch a shark in the face after it tried to grope him.

Stephen Cadbury, a dentist from London was surfing at Bronte Beach near Sydney when the alleged incident took place.  Mr. Cadbury said everything appeared quite normal at first, the mood was light, the two were laughing and joking, enjoying the surf.  The shark was a little flirtatious but nothing to suggest he was a potential predator.  He even commented on my swimming briefs saying they made me look like a Bond girl said Cadbury.

But after a few minutes the mood changed, the shark started making lewd remarks, touching the surfers breasts with one of its penises.  Then, following a break in the waves, it made a lunge for my genitals and I realised I was in trouble.  So I slapped the shark across the face and told him in my best Lady Bracknell voice that I would be reporting him to the Australian Coast Guard patrol as soon as I made shore.

Mr. Cadbury said the shark then backed off, laughing nervously and claiming it was only having a bit of fun.  The Australian Coast Guard said allegations such as this were taken very seriously and a full investigation would take place.   There have been 18 reported incidents of sharks approaching surfers so far this year.  They have all taken place at sea where sharks tend to live said Jed Baker of the ACG.  It could just be a coincidence but its a lead we will certainly be investigating.

With its razor sharp teeth, grey palid skin and cold, dead eyes the dentist moved to Australia two years ago to take up a post at Sydney Hospital, local media reported.

10:50

Same Sex Marriage Opponents Now Enjoying Last Few Moments Before Their Lives Are Dramatically Unchanged The Shovel

Those opposed to same sex marriage say it is now only a matter of time before two people theyve never even met will be allowed to tie the knot.

Enjoy it while it lasts, said Robert Jacobs, a no campaigner. Because soon the law will change and a whole swath of people who I have absolutely nothing to do with will be able to enter into a contract that I wont be privy to.

Roberta Grisharm said she was concerned that her life may be seriously unaffected. Right now, two people who I dont know cannot get legally married. Soon, those same two people, who I still dont know, will be able to get married. Where are my rights?

For a full analysis of the same-sex marriage debate, get your copy of The 2017 Shovel Annual 

10:23

No Campaign Blames Result On Lower Number Of No Voters The Betoota Advocate

In a decision that has shocked no one, over 70% of the Australian public voted in favour of legalising same sex marriage on the controversial postal survey. Across the country, the queer community and allies have joined together to celebrate the support against one of the last vestiges of inequality in the Australian constitution. One []

The post No Campaign Blames Result On Lower Number Of No Voters appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:37

Duterte applies for Axis of Evil membership using Avatar Vigilante Assassin Buffoon Clown TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

It appears the latest Warlord to apply to join the Buffoon Clown Axis of Evil is Duterte. He has chosen the Avatar with the full title of Vigilante Assassin Buffoon Clown. His initial pitch to Dotard went well with a big screen love song recital...

08:15

Yes Vote Disqualified For Dual Citizenship

Yes has been ruled ineligible to win the SSM postal vote after admitting that it is a citizen of several other languages.

Yes has not taken any steps to denounce its citizenship of the French language where it is known as oui or Spanish where it is called si. We also found that it is entitled to British citizenship as a result of its descent from the old English word gese on its grandfathers side, ruled High Court judge Jess Bench. No is also ineligible due to it being a German citizen called nein and therefore the whole ballot will have to be run again using words with Australian citizenship only.

We will be proposing fuckinay as the replacement for Yes and ya got buckleys as the replacement for No, said ABS representative Jim Sigma. Weve also considered using good onya (non-sarcastic) for Yes and good onya (extremely sarcastic) fo...

04:43

He went home to get it The Poke

Nick Knowles v The Office.

Its true, the DIY SOS man has an album out.

And this is whats on it.

Source

The post He went home to get it appeared first on The Poke.

04:29

Donald Trump admits he really is too old for this shit TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The inventor of the word fake, the man with the plan and the very small hands, the Donald, the Don with the Most (except for Donny Most, from Happy Days) President of the New World Order Donald Trump has admitted that he really is too old for this sh...

03:48

Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore Pledges to Make America Backwards Compatible The Hard Times

MONTGOMERY, Ala. Roy Moore promised to bring his values to Washington by making the nation backwards compatible during a rousing speech from the states capitol, today.

Our country has been updated in such a way that I can no longer recognize it, the former state Supreme Court Chief Justice said. A country in which any citizen can choose their own gender? We must return America to a simpler time: where someone just told you what sex you were and that is how you played the rest of your life without question and you were happy because you didnt know the idea of choosing was even possible.

Honestly, if everyone only had room for four to six character spaces in their name, that would make me even happier, said Moore.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Moore was inspired to run on his platform of backwards compatibility after he was first removed as Chief Justice in Alabama for attempting to install a Ten Commandments mod to the rotunda of Alabamas Supreme Court.

I made a vow that day to restore our moral values to what our original developers intended, which is a country that exclusively runs Christianity and that is it. All these religion expansions like Islam and Buddhism have made things too complicated. It is time to go retro,  Moore said.

I just want to play Vanilla United States, said Moore to an audience of cheering donors.

As his speech reached a crescendo, Moore summed up his feelings.

They can keep trying to shove down our throats the idea that this country is only good if we have all sorts of different functionality and state of the art features but I know there are millions of people in this country, like myself, who want to experience the nostalgia of a past life and we ought to have support for that,...

02:00

Daesh claim responsibility for Iran/Iraq earthquake NewsBiscuit

The instructions for how to make an Earthquake were on our website claimed a spokesman for the jihadist terror organisation. Google, Facebook and Twitter have all stated that as a matter of the very greatest urgency, they will, over the next six months or so, gradually begin to instigate measures to prevent (or at least, very much slow down) the dissemination of information which might enable ordinary, non-technical, would-be jihadists to build their own Earthquakes in the privacy of their own homes, using everyday household items.

Oh, bugger. a Daesh official spokesman subsequently said in an official press release.  Well be f$cked then no more Earthquakes.

 

Titus

01:54

Someone created a manufactured outrage calendar and the suggestions kept pouring in The Poke

Heres your cut out and keep manufactured outrage calendar for the year ahead, by @webofevil on Twitter.

Its so accurate you can set your Daily Mail by it.

And yet the suggestions kept pouring in. Dont forget to add yours in the comments.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

...

01:33

Responses to Russia fake news story made people wonder where they came from The Poke

So heres the Daily Mail story.

And heres a selection of the comments.

Thats weird, as highlighted by @DMReporter on Twitter.

Heres what other people made of it.

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Tuesday, 26 September

05:25

Trump "Visits" Puerto Rico To Survey Hurricane Damage TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

West New York, NJ - President Donald Trump "visited" Puerto Rico today by way of a satellite feed from West New York, New Jersey. Trump scheduled the visit amid claims that he cares more about stirring controversy with the NFL than about a U.S. terr...

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Monday, 25 September

18:27

Australian Nutter hitches ride on train windscreen wiper! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Living in Australia can be expensive and travelling too (just like England) so one nutter decided to dodge paying his fare by hitching a ride on the windscreen wiper of a passing train! Luckily, in Australia, it hardly rains, but shines, and durin...

06:06

After Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, Maria, and the Earthquake in Mexico, God to Attend Anger Management Classes TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

HEAVEN--CNN reported today that God, after an intervention by Mary, Jesus, the Twelve Apostles, and Mother Theresa, will be attending anger management classes after his recent temper tantrums have devastated parts of the United States, the Caribbean,...

00:49

Trump.com to Ban NFL - Considers Nuclear Strike of NFL Commission HQ TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

After the most disrespectful comments towards his beloved eminence from Sports Stars who foolishly think they have the right to free speech, the most adored one has decided to ban the NFL. Citing Curry and Kaepernicks outrageous audacity to critic...

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Sunday, 24 September

14:10

Scientists Link Hillary Clinton to Global Warming, Low Sperm Counts, and Gay Frogs TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

ONLY IN AMERICA - Hillary Clinton again last week was dominating the main stream media spotlight with her "What Happened" book tour. Or, as some have dubbed it: "Hillary's Pity Party - I'm Unapologetic and still Relevant Tour". Book publisher Simon &...

Saturday, 23 September

18:06

Did You Hear the One about Two Nuns Who Tried to Rob a Bank? TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

It's true, it's true. This is no joke. It happened in Pennsylvania recently. Two women in nun's garb held up bank tellers and demanded cash. The would-be robbers became scaredy cats and ran away empty handed when a teller set off an alarm. The...

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

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