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SCRANTON, Penn. Indie-rock band The Menzingers announced today the release of their latest project, Curveball: a concept album about coaching Little League baseball, sources close to the nostalgia-heavy outfit confirmed.
The album reportedly explores the perspectives of white men in their 30s looking to establish roots in something greater than themselves.
This is just the logical progression from youthful, suburban angst, to setting good examples for youth through good sportsmanship, said vocalist Tom May, organizing a schedule for the West Scranton Little League. Our first couple records were about growing up; now, its time to explore our futures and our coaching stats.
The band admitted their inspiration drew from longtime friends who maintained regular jobs back home, instead of touring as a rock band.
We asked one friend if he wanted to tour with us in the spring and run merch, but he turned us down because he has a family now, said bassist Eric Keen, tossing a baseball in the air. Thats when we found our own family: the Scranton Townies a co-ed, 9-to-12-year-old baseball team. Theyve shown us we still have so much more to write about.
The Menzingers believe Curveball is their most personal work to date, including future sing-along classics like Some Crying in Baseball, Home Run (Run Home), and Losers Pizza Party.
We saw the best minds of our generation destroyed by low-wage jobs and aimless pursuits. One day, you look around and realize you have a collection of records, but no legacy, said May, gently applying baby oil to a well-worn leather mitt. We wanted to focus on real-world issues: like having a kid you resent, or reclaiming your former stage glory on a Little League ball field.
Sure, this is probably some of our darkest material, but these are dark and trying times, added Keen, sighing. Ill never be able to retire with a pension and a gold watch. But, if you can make those kids stars for just one season, you just might get your picture on a pizza parlor wall for a couple years.
Head to our online store and pick up a shirt from The Hard Times: ...
Heres a bunch of former footballers paying tribute to Laurie Cunningham, the first black footballer to play for England and the first English footballer to play for Real Madrid, who died in 1989.
Wait for former player turned manager and pundit Peter Reid to turn up. Trust us, its worth it.
"Hi Peter, can you just give us a nice touching tribute on what Laurie Cunningham meant to you please"
"Sure, no worries" pic.twitter.com/AWNX4h0Jvd
Jim Daly (@jimdalycomedy) January 17, 2018
The first time I ever seen big garlic king prawns in their shells was Laurie ordered them in a restaurant. I thought, whats that? He had these king prawns and I remember saying to him that looks great can I try one?
He peeled one for me because I couldnt peel them and he gave me one of his garlic king prawns.
In fairness, a beautiful tribute from Reidy and shows what a great man Laurie must have been, cos I aint sharing a large garlic king prawn with anyone!!!
Ali Line (@BluPheesh) January 18, 2018
Hahahahahahah whose ordered king prawns?!
Sam White (@sam_white10) January 18, 2018
Thats the way I wanty be remembered mate
FRASER (@BigCecilTheLion) January 18, 2018
I mean, somebody knows something....
But seriously you are not going to believe this.
greek stars in their eyes is absolute madness pic.twitter.com/YWYGgWMM0m
G (@oneofthosefaces) January 17, 2018
Can someone comment just to make sure they are seeing the same thing as we are please?
blackface AND blindface AND gender swapping?? honestly when the stagehand escorted ha down the steps i lost it
G (@oneofthosefaces) January 17, 2018
Hannah (@hannahkaty) January 17, 2018
She got guided through the doors, guided down the stairs, guided into her seat and then reached straight for the microphone.
Paul_Ed (@eddo75) January 18, 2018
Someone got in touch on behalf of the entire Greek nation.
I am so embarrassed and deeply apologise
yasilios (@VasiliosMantou) January 18, 2018
The post Greek Stars in their Eyes is complete and utter madness appeared first on The Poke.
This video has been shared more than 50,000 times on Twitter because it appears to be such an extraordinary moment and is giving people so much to think about.
If you take the time to care, you might save a life pic.twitter.com/2eZWZ5MgDY
The Invisible Man (@invisibleman_17) January 17, 2018
Heres how people responded online.
Its so sad when some of us have to live suffer like this, humanity needs to step up like this woman who saved him from certain death
Barry D. Eckeard (@EckeardB) January 17, 2018
God was telling that guy not today son not today
Barry D. Eckeard (@EckeardB) January 17, 2018
Unfortunately Barry it was this heroic woman. Not an imaginary man fairy in the sky.
DJSLD (@DPSD37) January 17, 2018
Ive got goosebumps on goosebumps. She not only saved him but also his family and the driver from unspeakable horror. Well done that lady!
Amanda (@AmandaR4444) January 17, 2018
And she could so easily have been pulled in to certain death. She leaned back enough to overcome his heavier body weight and inertia. Incredible split second technique and bravery. She is amazing!
EU is Our Futur...
Tom Cruise was in London on Sunday reshooting scenes for the next Mission Impossible film.
To be precise, he was on the roof of Blackfriars station (we think).
And this is what it looked like from about 300 yards away. Warning: long distance spoilers.
Not often you waken up, look out your window and find Tom Cruise filming an all-action scene for Mission: Impossible 6 right here in Southbank, London! pic.twitter.com/48YDDVGKXZ
Jim White (@JimWhite) January 19, 2018
Turns out Tom Cruise is even smaller in real life than we thought.
No point watching the film now youve ruined it.
Everton Arent We (@EvertonArentWe) January 19, 2018
There he is!
Yep, thats definitely the Cruiser. Wed recognise that grin anywhere.
The post What the next Mission Impossible film looks like from very, very far away appeared first on The Poke.
The city of Los Angeles came up with the perfect way to advertise for a graphic designer.
This is an actual ad the City of Los Angeles posted for a graphic designer and it has brightened my 2018 immeasurably. pic.twitter.com/2OoErOVJN4
Gordy pls (@GordyPls) January 19, 2018
It looks like it was made by a child using Microsoft Paint and people were so impressed they decided to join in the fun by applying for the job in similar fashion.
(@ambientaxion) January 19, 2018
I would be perfect for this job. See previous work:https://t.co/errgx0n2On
Cozmo LA Galaxy (@CozmoLAGalaxy) January 19, 2018
Cozmo LA Galaxy (@CozmoLAGalaxy) April 28, 2017
RT and you're entered. Winner drawn...
So heres our favourite Donald Trump story of the day so far.
According to a new report by the Mother Jones website, Donald Trump asked former porn star Stormy Daniels to spank him with a copy of Forbes magazine that had him and his family on the cover.
The report also claims that Trump made Daniels watch hours of Shark Week.
Donald Trump had an affair with Stormy Daniels in 2006.
Daniels said Trump asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes magazine which had him on the cover.
Trump was indeed on a copy of Forbes in 2006along with his children.https://t.co/mnv7iFwOin pic.twitter.com/Burnc43WId
Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) January 18, 2018
First Brexit robbed our Toblerones and now its taking the biscuit by removing 7 yes count them 7 biscuits from a packet of 400g McVities Digestives.
Merryn Somerset Webb (@MerrynSW) January 19, 2018
Pladis (owner of McVities) tolds the Evening Standard : The rising cost of ingredients and changes in the exchange rates means it has become more expensive to bake our products. We are making changes in response to changing market conditions and the increased cost of ingredients.
Seven digestive biscuits, pictured earlier.
Reaction from British biscuit fans was swift and brutal:
Crumbs! writes @Arfurphuqsake over on Twitter.
The post Brexit to shrink Digestives by 7 per pack and nothing is worth living anymore appeared first on The Poke.
It all kicks off around the 20-second mark.
Weans make glasgow, wait for it pic.twitter.com/XjM7zyH5Av
Ronnie (@ronnie_mackay) January 17, 2018
Zander Nation (@ZanderNationDj) January 18, 2018
A actual canny believe this ma maw wid be in there draggin me oot by my wee 12 year old ginger mullet
Ronnie (@ronnie_mackay) January 17, 2018
Thats gets funnier the mare a watch it haha
Ally'Ferrans (@TheboyFerrans) January 18, 2018
zaaaaander ZANDERRRR ZANDER FUCKIN NAAATION
Blair Whyte (@BlairWhyte19) January 17, 2018
Not only does this fella help solve crimes, he also cheers us up. What a dog.
I think we should all take a moment out of our day to just reflect on how awesome PD Max's hair is.
That is all. pic.twitter.com/IsFtRicWmd
Mersey Police Dogs (@MerPolDogs) January 18, 2018
And heres some of the love hes feeling on Twitter.
OK Ive reflected and would really like to know who his Stylist is, what products he uses to keep his style looking so magnificent and how long it takes him to get ready for a big night/day out
Anne Coombes (@BadFairy01) January 18, 2018
Okay we've spoken to the handler who states that he is often woken by the sound of a hair dryer in the kennel about an hour before leaving for work so we can only assume Max must do it himself.
Mersey Police Dogs (@MerPolDogs) January 18, 2018
Looking cool PD Max. Spaniels have the best hair. Case closed. pic.twitter.com/umJSWJ3Aa0
Ralphy (@RalphyRua2) January 19, 2018...
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. Continuing its trend of licensed games, Telltale revealed it would be working on a new game set in the Black Mirror universe that will allow users unprecedented choice in just how depressing their story will be.
What better studio to create a game that lets players experience emotions ranging from sad to depressed than Telltale Games? said Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker. There is not another developer I would trust to make the fans of Black Mirror agonize themselves over for hours.
Telltale promises that the game will feature plenty of scenarios that will allow gamers to define their sad story. In one such instance, a pale man in a black hat holds a gun to your iPhone and your child and the player must choose which to save.
Read More From Hard Drive: Game-Breaking Telltale Glitch Affects Outcome of Story
In this scenario, you can choose to save the iPhone and watch the man kill your son. Or you can choose to save your kid, watch the man shoot your iPhone and then shoot your son, said Telltale CEO Kevin Bruner at press conference. Whether your want your sadness to be seasonal or clinical, the decision is fully in the players hands.
For fans wondering if there might be a chapter in the game that has a similar heartwarming ending like beloved Black Mirror episode San Junipero, Bruner assured them that there would eventually be such an episode.
I dont want to spoil anything, but in one episode someone interacts with a computer and doesnt immediately die.
Its nearly 10 years since Heath Ledger died on 22 January, 2008.
Heres what the late actor had to say to someone who called the relationship in Brokeback Mountain disgusting and its worth every second.
Heath Ledger's response to calling the relationship in "Brokeback Mountain" disgusting pic.twitter.com/CF71NGDvmD
Izzie (@Izzie177) January 17, 2018
RIP Heath Ledger.
Bravo Bravo!!!! This was an awesome response!
Michelle my Bell (@LvSammy) January 18, 2018
Ive never seen this, thanks for sharing. What an amazing guy he was
D.DRKO (@D_D_A_R_K_O) January 18, 2018
I really miss him. it would've been so amazing to see his career develop further..
Izzie (@Izzie177) January 17, 2018
How do you miss someone you never knew? Almost 10 years.. pic.twitter.com/DGF0wnFqCh
Izzie (@Izzie177) January 18, 2018
Boris Johnsons got a spiffing new idea. A 22-mile bridge between Britain and France to improve transport links between the two countries after Brexit.
At talks with French president Emmanuel Macron, the foreign secretary said it was ridiculous that two of the worlds biggest economies are linked by a single railway line (presumably he didnt mean that was one too many).
Not sure what Macron made of the idea, but heres our pick of what everyone else thought.
A reminder that Boris Johnson's previous plans for public money have included an island airport in a birdstrike zone, the most expensive footbridge in history and a bus that was so hot inside it doubled up as a mobile sauna. https://t.co/RaYTGb1Bb2
Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) January 19, 2018
Building a huge concrete structure in the middle of the worlds busiest shipping lane might come with some challenges. https://t.co/jYD5O8B19W
UK Shipping (@ukshipping) January 18, 2018
What's not to like? The last bridge he backed only cost the public 46 million without a single brick being laid. https://t.co/penQWYFcZ0
James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) January 19, 2018
Current Boris Johnson ideas:
Bridge to France
Ladder to the moon
Tunnel to Atlantis
Boat service to the underworld
Massive eagles with a saddle to replace British Airways
Catapult to Australia
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) January 19, 2018
Quick, how do we stop...
Yahav Draizin has a great shtick on Instagram he makes live photomontages by sticking a phone into the middle of a shot and then, uses another phone to snap the composition.
The results is creative and fun and heres 14 of his best.
A recent outbreak of the Zeta virus has caused a major public health scare. Thought to be activated by pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones, the virus mainly affects old men, particularly those called Douglas or Michael. Pictures of Zeta-Jones attending Tuesdays premier of the film Dads Army in a revealing blue dress triggered an outbreak of acute cases, but longer-term chronic effects are expected to trouble those old enough to sit through the film itself, in which Zeta-Jones plays a journalist.
Tropical diseases expert Dr Jane Worsthorne, 43, said it was too early to say whether the Zeta virus was a mutation of the Zika virus which has much of South America in its grip. Zika is most dangerous to young pregnant women, she said, while Zeta tends to strike that section of the population for whom getting anyone pregnant is usually a distant memory. Having said that, initial symptoms often include a remarkable, though short-lived, increase in libido and reversal of erectile dysfunction.
After the initial effects wear off, victims usually suffer a delusional Zeta fixation for periods ranging from hours to weeks, before progressing to the final stages which usually involve sobbing quietly. While rarely fatal, the virus can cause potentially harmful palpitations and a rise in blood pressure.
While Zika is spread by mosquitoes, which flourish in stagnant water, the Zeta virus is thought to be transmitted by the nostalgia bug, which thrives best in warm beer drunk by groups of potential sufferers. It then lies dormant until aroused by an appropriate, or more likely inappropriate, picture.
With a vaccine said to be ten years or more away, most experts think it more likely that the disease will die out naturally, as the power of the Zeta image reduces and potential sufferers fall prey to other age-related health problems instead.
Girl brings Wii controller to a party and people think its a vape. writes ListenHereChap over on Reddit.
* Thats some dangerous behavior. Not one of them used the wrist strap writes mattreyu.
* Smoke wiid every day writes Young_macadamia.
The post Watching a load of women at a party huffing on a Wiimote thinking its a vape is well funny appeared first on The Poke.
UKIP Leader Harry Bolton has been spotted on the tube with his racist girlfriend despite having said hed dump her over her horrible remarks over the peoples princess Meghan Markle.
Ukip leader says he still loves former girlfriend who sent racist texts reports the Guardian and we smell a rom com.
But what weve really enjoyed is the photo and everyone trying to write the best caption.
Is it this the best caption?
Sometimes you're better off dead
There's a gun in your hand it's pointing at your head
You think you're mad too unstable
Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables pic.twitter.com/GyW5qyJRjq
Rob Manuel (@robmanuel) January 18, 2018
Or is it this the best caption?
Jo & Henry, a tragicomic British indie, is out now. No stars, The Guardian. pic.twitter.com/uw1YhLdrg4
David Baddiel (@Baddiel) January 18, 2018
Or what about this one?
All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life Saphire and Steel have been asigned. pic.twitter.com/V67xNCHmRg
Robert Webb (@arobertwebb) January 18, 2018
No, its clearly this one. This is the best caption.
I was working as a racist in a cocktail bar, when I met you pic.twitter.com/1iRlBaLh4b...
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It takes a lot for sheep and cattle farmers to put aside their differences and unite for the greater good. On a national level, the fight for drought relief and market protections has brought them together in the past. But today, on a more local level, locals from the Northern Lakes district on 
The post Locals Stage Boycott Of Pub They Never Visit After Mass-Produced Beer Is Taken Off Tap appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being told to fuck off by both Spotify and several prominent Australian recording artists, Senator Cory Bernardi has had to resort to including a few songs about blackfella rights in his alternative hottest 100 just to make up the numbers. Senator Bernardi, head of the Australian Conservatives party, created the 
The post Bernardi Reluctantly Adds Beds Are Burning, Treaty And Solid Rock To His Hottest 100 appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Her keepers say shes harmless but Brett Galloway knows that orangutans have a dark side. The 54-year-old initially said no to a photo opportunity with the great ape, citing that he wouldnt go into the enclosure unarmed or alone. But his family convinced him. He spoke to reporters this 
The post Zoo Patron Lowkey Shitting Himself Posing For Photo With Local Orangutan appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Tasmanians are today actively seeking businesses that have air-conditioning, as the mercury glides just under 30 degrees celsius in the Apple Isle. Thousands of slow speaking convict-descendants have been spotted lining up outside the one cinema in Hobart, as well as the flash Maccas on the highway into town. This comes as 
Frances President Macron is under fire following the uncovering of a plot to flood the UK with migrants on the pretext of loaning the Bayeux Tapestry to the UK as a peace offering to Theresa May in the run up to Brexit.
The plot, according to MI5, was to hide scores of migrants inside rolled up sections of a fake Bayeux Tapestry and release them onto British soil right under the nose of the Government.
Suspicions arose after three migrants were found inside a French lorry at Dover, in a consignment of Chantilly Lace destined for exclusive gown shops in Londons West End. Under questioning details of a larger plot was discovered concerning the Tapestry.
A spokesman for MI5 said, We believe we have stopped a sneaky plan by Mr Macron to divert post-Brexit immigration issues by loaning the Tapestry to the UK and smuggling in scores of migrants while simultaneously flattering the Government with his magnaninmous gesture.
The Prime Minister has been criticised for not heeding previous warnings by advisors and observers about the danger of befriending the French.
In an earlier email to Mrs May by the Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, it was revealed that he warned her to be afraid of the Frogs, even those bearing gifts. Similarly, BBC correspondent Laura Kuenssberg predicted, the arrival of the Tapestry would see the downfall of Brexit negotiations and the collapse of Europe.
Speaking from the eighteenth hole at Mar-a-Lago President Trump said, I told Prime Minister Queen Victoria, when we met last year, that gangs of migrants would soon arrive in Britainlandshire to commit murder, rape and scroungery, but who knew theyd try and sneak in inside the worlds longest and dirtiest old tea towel ever. WOW!
TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Walking into the office this morning, Jaysern Vukovic (37), was greeted by an unusually high number of judgmental scowls from his colleagues. Immediately thinking the worst, Jaysern looked down to see if he was exposing himself or had spilt coffee on his shirt, however, to Jayserns untrained and sartorially-starved 
Its the first anniversary of this memorable Daily Mail front page, to which history hasnt been altogether kind.
First anniversary of this today. In many professions, such rank incompetence would be penalised, possibly even career-ending.
The man who wrote this is now the Downing Street Press Secretary.
You're unlikely to encounter anything more emblematic of the national pageant today. pic.twitter.com/3yt9O1ziiR
James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) January 18, 2018
James Slack, then the Daily Mails political editor, is now Downing Street press secretary.
Unbelievable that the man who wrote this is now Press Secretary. No wait, it's very believable.
Ryan Boulter (@r_boulter) January 18, 2018
Can it really be only a year?
The longest ever.
James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) January 18, 2018
The post What a difference a year makes (and the person who wrote it is now Theresa Mays press secretary) appeared first on The Poke.
This will get you in the mood.
Orson Welles pissed out of his mind doing a Paul Masson advert for champagne is my everything. pic.twitter.com/SOyq8leF4M
John Rain (@MrKenShabby) February 6, 2017
I can never get tired of this.
"Mmmmnnnnaaaaarrrgh the Frennnsshhh"
Stephen Graham (@PlopGazette) November 23, 2017
Its one of a number of ads he did for Paul Masson, of which this is the most famous. Heres what the great man was trying to say, before he was so rudely interrupted.
The taste of French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. Theres a California champagne by Paul Masson, inspired by that same French excellence. Its fermented in the bottle, and like the best French champagne, its vintage dated. Paul Massons superb taste shouldnt be too surprising: This champagne may not come from France but it was created by a man who did. Paul Masson: Paul Masson will sell no wine before its time.
THAT. IS. AMAZING.
Andy Morgan (@ANDYM0RGAN) February 7, 2017
The post Pissed Orson Welles champagne advert is just what you need in dry January appeared first on The Poke.
Senator and aspiring DJ Cory Bernardi has angrily ripped down the Savage Garden poster that he had hanging above his bed. The move follows the bands lead singer Darren Hayes condemning the Senator for using his music.
He was so angry when Darren tweeted him that he ran straight up to his bedroom and ripped down the poster, said the Senators wife. Then he spent the rest of the night replacing all of the Savage Garden songs on his mixtapes with songs by Alanis Morrisette.
Cory loves nothing more than making a mixtape. Hes good at it too, his Pet Shop Boys/Village People tape is very romantic.
When reached for comment Senator Bernardi said (from behind his locked bedroom door): Go away Im not talking to you or anyone. Besides I never liked Savage Garden, they suck. So does Barnesy and Powderfinger and the Hilltop Hoods!
Now leave me alone Im listening to the Venga Boys. I bet theyd come to my Australia day party.
You can follow The (un)Australian...
People have been coming up with #VeryBritishOffences on Twitter little things we probably shouldnt do but we do anyway because, you know, were British.
See how many of them you do. Theyre funny and also rather reassuring that weve still got so much in common (an unusually large number of them appear to involve shopping bags).
#VeryBritishOffences Having 6789 bags under your sink at home but not a bastard one with you when you go shopping
Claire J Cheeseman (@cjcheesecake) January 18, 2018
#VeryBritishOffences Moaning about how awful your meal is then when the waitress asks if everything is ok, you say, "It's fine thanks."
Rob Summerfield (@RobSummerfield1) January 18, 2018
Accidentally making eye contact with someone who's at your bus stop every day, and having to move house to avoid seeing them again.
Suze Likes Cake (@SuzeLikesCake) January 18, 2018
Taking the s off the end of maths and adding it to the end of Lego. #verybritishoffences
Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) January 18, 2018
#VeryBritishOffences Holding the door for someone...
The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is hoarding a massive cache of firearms in at least one Cleveland area Wal-Mart, says an employee wishing to remain anonymous whom accidentally stumbled upon an enormous quantity of military-grade weapons in a chamber normally secured behind digital lock and key. For the sake of readability, we shall call our source Joel.
According to Joel, he had finished a 4:00 PM to 1:00 AM shift and was readying to leave work when he noticed an unsecured office door in an employee-only location within the store. He thought the office belonged to a district manager because the doors locking mechanism differed from all other offices at the location; it was protected by a digital keypad, whereas other offices used conventional locks and keys. He had never seen anyone enter or leave that room, ever.
He found the door ajar, he said, and considered simply pushing it closed before curiosity compelled him to peek inside the office. What he saw, he added, chilled his bones.
It was no ordinary office, Joel said. No desk. No shelves. No phone. But all four walls had lockers filled with weapons. I could see inside because the lockers had what I can only call ventilation holes, even though I know that makes no sense. But I could clearly see racks of what looked like M-16s and belt-fed automatic rifles filling the lockers.
The words Property of FEMA were stenciled boldly on the front of each locker.
Ive heard a story FEMA is converting our stores into internment camps, but I never believed it. Not until now, Joel said.
He estimates the lockers held at least one hundred weapons, in addition to a dozen padlocked crates, ostensibly filled with ammunition.
I wanted to run and get the hell out of there, but my arms and legs were frozen with fear. I figure if they had all those weapons, then they have hidden cameras too and I was already caught, and that running would be pointless. Figured I was fucked and fired either way. So I stood and waited, figuring some armed goons would arrive toI dont even wanna think about it. But nothing happened. Im sort of glad I got to see that room, but also wish I hadnt.
That office, he said, is a relatively new addition to the store. He recalled hearing construction crews using jackhammers and other tools during his shift, usually after...
Trump faces uphill election battle due to thinning base.
LOS ANGELES Anemic American and Etsy shop owner Devin Davies was seen this morning sorting a variety of personal, ironic supplements at Kindness & Mischief Coffee, confirmed bearded and bespectacled witnesses in between eye rolls and scoffs.
She wasnt always anemic, said frienemy Guthrie Jacobs. She used to eat enough red meat to keep all of Highland Park in an iron surplus. But after going vegan, she started taking these fake iron supplements as a goof. It was honestly pretty dank I kinda hate her for it.
Davies allegedly purchased her supplements from holistic health professional and crystal hoarder Dr. Arlo Boner.
Theres no question that part of the joke for Devin was getting the pills from someone named Dr. Boner, said Dr. Boner. I take offense to my supplements being slandered as fake or ironic. Each capsule is opened, bathed in lavender water, and sung to sleep by children under the age of five. From there, I personally whisper, You are iron into the capsule, until it truly is. If Devin became anemic, thats on her and her chakras not me.
While her supplement use has stayed consistent over the past six months, Davies diet has not, likely exacerbating her anemia.
Giving up all red meat and dairy is definitely not what caused her to become anemic, said Salinger Williams, Davies favorite/least favorite barista, depending on the day. Ive been vegan for two weeks, and Im not anemic. Devin isnt big into eating vegetables or beans she basically subsists on warm ginger water, American Spirits, and those joke pills. You gotta give her credit for that, though. I mean, I guess. How am I supposed to feel?
At press time, Davies was too weak to comment.
Show your support for The Hard Times, take a minute to check out our online store:
In what is being seen as the cultural exchange of the century, France is offering the UK a piece of moth-eaten tat in exchange for Buster Gonad and a Cockney Wanker. Although slightly one-sided, President Macron has offered to sweeten the deal with a dirty limerick by Marcel Proust and the scrap value of the Eiffel Tower.
The Bayeux Tapestry is probably the medieval periods most infamous cartoon strip; featuring the slapstick antics of William the Conqueror, Harold the Sexist and Billy the Fish. Historians have long debated the origins of the tapestry, but all agree it looks a bit sh$t.
By contrast, Parisian intellectuals have long coveted Viz Comics post-modernist, existential Nouveau Ralisme and tits. Even Coco Chanel based her little black dress on a scrap of chiffon used to cover 5% of the surface area of the Fat Slags.
One art historian commented: The tapestry depicts a pitched battle between poorly dressed peasants, very much like the comics portrayal of a Friday night in Newcastle. But one is vulgar daubing filled with unnecessary violence and cultural stereo-types while the other is Viz.
PLANO, Texas Griffy, one of dozens of goats at the Pheldert Phamily Animal Experience in the Dallas suburbs, reportedly keeps his indie credibility intact by eating exclusively vinyl records, caretakers familiar with the goat confirmed this morning.
Usually a goatll gnaw on damn near anything. Tin cans, old tractor tires, and what have you, said Gordon Pheldert, lead farmer and spokesperson for the decidedly mute goat. Heh. But not ol Griffy, though! Why, he et up a distros worth of 45s since sun-up this mornin.
Griffy, who previously ate cassettes, CDs, and one young patrons iPod Nano, has clearly shown that vinyl is the way to go when it comes to ingesting physical media.
He specially likes the snaps and pops it makes when his little goat teeth bust through the lacquer, even though it turns some of the other goats off, Pheldert said, tossing a thrift store copy of Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brasss Whipped Cream and Other Delights over the pen fencing. If someone tries slippin him a sheet o paper with a download code, Griffyll stomp up a storm. Guess he just likes a cleaner chew.
Phelderts customers have begun bringing their own LPs to feed the two-year-old billie.
If you traded your bands 7 for our bands 7 while we were on tour, chances are we totally fed it to Griffy the day we got back home, said Tess Bridges, lead vocalist for local hardcore band Dire Circumstance. Sometimes we have an entire crate, and he just sort of leafs through it with his hoof until he finds a particularly tasty colored vinyl. We just love that little guy.
Griffy, marked by his knit scarf and frequent cigarette breaks, is allegedly expanding his palette, much to Phelderts dismay.
Those old Delta blues 78s are dang hard to come by especially near mint, like hes starting to like em, Pheldert said from a rocking chair, watching the sun set. I suppose he does his part, bringing the customers in and whatnot but, Lord, do I live in fear of the day that goat learns how to order off Discogs.
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In a parallel universe is a series of fictional images, recreated from real ads in the mad men era, that question modern day sexism: showing it through a humorous light to spark a conversation through role play.
Last Thanksgiving, I overheard my uncles talk about how women are better off cooking, taking care of the kitchen, and fulfilling their womanly duties. Although I know that not all men like my uncles think that way I was surprised to learn that some still do, so I went on to imagine a parallel universe, where roles are inverted and men are given a taste of their own sexist poison.
Ealing Studios today announced funding has been secured for a new film in the much-loved Carillion series, provisionally entitled Carillion Up The Official Receiver.
The film will see the usual cast of hapless buffoons tackling something thats patently beyond them, in this case managing a huge facilities management and construction firm.
Jim Dale plays Finance Director Nookie, whos often distracted from the companys balance sheet when his secretary (Barbara Windsor) walks past in a tight sweater. This lands him in trouble with his boss (Kenneth Williams), who has to go cap in hand to Theresa Maytron (Hattie Jacques) and confess that the company is going down. Fortunately, in return for unspecified sexual favours, Maytron agrees to bail it out with taxpayers money, uttering the famous double-entendre that Williams had better also be too big to fail.
As Managing Director, Sid James is given plenty of opportunities for his trademark hearty chuckle, particularly when he learns of the millions he will still be paid despite making a huge balls-up of running the company.
Carillion Up The Official Receiver will have you laughing until the tears run down your face, especially if you check how much is left in your pension while watching it.
Chris Tarrant has admitted drink driving and we wouldnt ordinarily bother you with it but its prompted lots of jokes of which this is the very best.
I hope that when Chris Tarrant gets sentenced for drink driving the judge sentences him to 40 hours community service, tears up the paper while saying 'but we don't want to give you that', and then sends him to prison.
Phil Hodges (@pghodges) January 18, 2018
And honourable mentions to this lot.
Chris Tarrant has been banned for drink driving. Looks like hell have to phone a friend if he needs a lift.
Tony Shepherd (@tonysheps) January 18, 2018
"How do you plead?"
*incredibly long pause* "Is that your final answer?"
Robert Ramsay (@MothTwiceborn) January 18, 2018
It's a good job Chris Tarrant likes travelling by train!
Adam Leyton (@AdamLeyton) January 18, 2018
Wife sat in the back.
She looks absolutely petrified.
Mr.Bub (@DragonbubZee) January 18, 2018
Never mind 'Phone a Friend' Chris Tarrant should have phoned a taxi.
Chris Durning (@rtisantraveller) January 18, 2018
The school will be run by parents and guardians who have experienced tough benefit cuts, criminal convictions or generational education deprivation. They will be joined by two hard pressed charities, Barnardos and The Cat (burglars) Protection League.
Head teacher and former nonce, Alan Kincade, said We will be offering children a broad based and balanced curriculum to reflect current times and the special needs of our community. Modules will include Living without Benefits where pick-pocketing techniques and regular excursions into the West End will give boys and girls appropriate work experience. Getting into Business will allow pupils to work towards Level 1 qualifications, with setting up prostitution networks and pimping-for-profit being key elements of the course.
A special school shop will offer a range of goodies from small clear plastic bags to skeleton keys and branded knuckle-dusters. A school-based extortion racket will also help to siphon off any funds.
Education Secretary Michael Gove said The Fagin Free School is a wonderful template for cash strapped parents who would like to open similar schools up and down the country, especially those in inner cities where young people need direction. It fits in entirely with Conservative ideals for free enterprise and independence. It is a flagship example of how the Big Society brings like-minded groups together to work towards decent Victorian values.
As well as full-time teachers with long term legal expertise, Chemistry and Horticulture Supply teachers will be introducing cannabis and Class A drugs into the educational mix to enable students and staff to chill-out when necessary.
School governor, Stuart Henderson from Hackney is very excited about the forthcoming opening of the Fagin Free School next September. I havent worked since 2010 after falling arse over tit off a fucking ladder and through a bastard greenhouse in a bungled burglary. As a governor and mentor Im looking forward to passing on my expertise and setting young people off on the right road or dark alley. Ill also be advising on injury compensation claims.
A spokesman for co-founders Barnardos said, Our income has been severely hit since the Coalition came into power so getting into education and putting vulnerable kids back on the street under the direction of the Fagin Free School is a great step forward. Weve also got plans for a special vocational course in chimney-swe...
TRACEY BENDINGER | Social Nuances | Contact Jasmine Saunders (26) and her best friend Kim Roquette (25) have only been living together in their Betoota Greens flat for 6 months, however, Jasmine has already developed a grievance with Kim her boyfriend, or as Jasmine refers to him while bitching to their friends, their 3rd housemate. The Advocate caught 
The post Housemate Prepares Ultra-Sensitive Your Boyfriend Is Staying Over Too Much Speech appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
@Pandamoanimum over on Twitter has released her list of words/phrases that need destroying.
Updated my list of words/phrases that need destroying.
I know right
Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 17, 2018
Being super-accurate, this list has gone viral leading to many people offering additional suggestions heres just six from the comments:
1. let that sink in
'let that sink in'
shane barrell (@SBarrell) January 17, 2018
This list needs 'Manflu'
Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) January 17, 2018
'Bae', 'Chillax', 'Totes', 'Amazeballs', 'Well jel' & 'Staycation' are all pet peeves of mine. Please can we also ban people from saying/writing 'prolly' instead of 'probably' it infuriates me so much!
Ben Ripley (@Ben_Ripley42) January 17, 2018
'Sleeps' Only eleven sleeps til Christmas
Adland's hillbilly (@Adhillbilly)...
A group of protestors calling themselves the White Pendragons disrupted a speech by London mayor Sadiq Khan earlier this week.
People didnt know a huge amount about them so ITVs Paul Brand spent some time trying to get to know them and it could be the most worthwhile two minutes you spend this week.
After they disrupted @sadiqkhans speech today, I spent a good ten minutes genuinely trying to get to the bottom of what the White Pendragons stand for. Anyone able to help? #fab18 pic.twitter.com/h8DztI8z3I
Paul Brand (@PaulBrandITV) January 13, 2018
Words. Its just a lot of words.
I still dont understand what youre talking about and Im a political expert.
Heres what people made of them online.
Once again, life imitates sitcom. Every one of these clowns is a character you wish you'd written. The Nazi Detectorists. https://t.co/VyG6lWdz1u
Ian Martin (@IanMartin) January 14, 2018
Theyre like the US Freemen on the Land and the German Reichsburgers fringe groups who claim law allows them special privileges/exemption from tax/to take over the country. Pure nutters.
Mike Stuchbery (@MikeStuchbery_) January 14, 2018
They do seem to have a rather large chip on their shoulder but Im not sure about what exactly. I could watch this 100 times an...
If youre having a bad day then console yourself that it could be worse. You could be being mistaken online for the loathsome Tory MP and party vice-chair who said poor people should get a vasectomy.
This is Ben Bradley, a TV news anchor in Washington who people keep mistaking for the other Ben Bradley, the Conservative politician who once said jobless men should get vasectomies and police brutality should be encouraged.
Bradley the one in Washington has been getting all sorts of stick for some time now.
@BenBradleyTV Don't even have to scratch the surface with you Tory boy to find a Pinochet loving ghoul. My God those Brexit voters are in for a hard time after you have worked them into shape.
tiger darwin (@TigerDarwin) January 17, 2018
Ah, jeez. Im still trying to figure out which body part you are. pic.twitter.com/tYb4j2J4UF
CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) January 18, 2018
Those Brits are brutal with their anatomical insults. https://t.co/s5Y3dWFpZK
Ben Bradley (@BenBradleyTV) January 18, 2018
This Reddit post is a rollercoaster ride from beginning to the end writes @Robmanuel over on Twitter.
Were still reeling from reading this.
This headline writer deserves a Pulitzer for this take on Donald Trumps bizarre medical check-up.
Danielle Muscato (@DanielleMuscato) January 18, 2018
Ann Crossley (@ann_crossley) January 18, 2018
But in this case it was very accurate. More accurate than the actual doctor's report at least.
Chrissy B (@Kivrin01090708) January 18, 2018
Just in case you enjoy over analysing this sort of thing.
This is actually correct punctuation. You use commas in between two adjectives that modify the same noun. Heart and cognitive are modifying the noun issues. As such, you have a choice to punctuate with a comma or the words and/or.
Ben Krake (@bkraky1) January 18, 2018
Yes. Thats why she tweeted this. And thats why everyone likes it. It can be read like has no heart , has cognitive issues but is accurate as having No heart or cognitive issues. Why are you explaining this
sun goddess (@pocahauntASS)...
If only wed thought have this. Come to think of it, if only wed written a thesis.
I said I'd do it and I did. I got my thesis printed on a scarf. pic.twitter.com/BxwDWwCJRV
Grace Lindsay (@neurograce) January 17, 2018
And if youre thinking about doing it yourself.
Wow, this is fantastic. The whole thesis? Only text or also figures? *adding to wish list*
Anne Urai (@AnneEUrai) January 17, 2018
Text only. And a scarf fits about 30k words so I had to be choosey about which sections to include
Grace Lindsay (@neurograce) January 17, 2018
Brilliant Grace, or is it Dr Lindsay?
David Blanchflower BSc (@DavidBflower) January 17, 2018
The defense was indeed successful!
Grace Lindsay (@neurograce) January 17, 2018
So far off doing a thesis we dont even know what this means.
Congratulations Dr Lindsay. Wel...
Fredericksville, MD. John G. Wittier [sick] reporting. While National Anthem protests have dwindled as the professional football season nears an end, a demonstration in Fredericksville, Md., on Martin Luther King Day, turned ugly as "Make America G...
With the Bayeux Tapestry heading to the UK after France agreed to let it leave its shores for the first time in its 950 year history, heres how the Sun celebrated.
Neil Henderson (@hendopolis) January 17, 2018
People were naturally divided about it. Some people thought it was this.
BBC Waste (@BBCwaste) January 18, 2018
Others thought it was this.
Embarrassing excuse for a newspaper.
Adam Uren (@AdamUren) January 17, 2018
This literally illustrates all that is wrong with our dumbed down tabloid society.
Lee (@El_Conde) January 17, 2018
In particular, this.
James Felton (@JimMFelton) January 18, 2018
When you're a civil engineer but you always wanted to be a network engineer pic.twitter.com/G5dEdAlsq9
killall -9 khaxan (@khaxan) January 17, 2018
It's a great place to networkwith your neighbours
Bjorn Macintosh. (@TolMera) January 17, 2018
It prompted all sorts of jokes probably best understood by the person who comes to tells you to try switching your computer off and on again.
It's a great place to networkwith your neighbours
Bjorn Macintosh. (@TolMera) January 17, 2018
The per-blade port density on that switch leaves a bit to be desired.
marv white (@marvthegrate) January 17, 2018
P.S: I wonder how many cats live in this building
Im not sorry.
Andreas Galambos (@LocEngineer) January 17, 2018
I want more of the RJ11 building next to the RJ45 building
Telco (@TelcoAg) January 17, 2018
Units inside the building are assigned dynamically using a collision-avoidance algorithm.
There's also a tokin' ring poolside e...
TRACEY BENDINGER | Social Nuances | Contact After making excuses to get out of an arranged dinner date, Sally Westington (27), sits at her Betoota Cove apartment drinking alone and scouring over social media. Unfortunately, her moment of bliss was cut short when the Virgo saw a photo of two of her best friends having dinner together the 
The post Local Girl Sends 83 Drunken Texts Explaining She Doesnt Need Toxic People In Her Life appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
A17-year-old art student is raising eyebrows with
a provocative new photography series as he captures photos of
friends, family, and strangers before and after calling them
Irondequoit High School senior, Eli Goldsworthy sees the project as more of a social experiment. I want to clarify that my intention was to get a reaction out of people. My real subject is emotion. Also I saw how many shares that chick who called people beautiful got and thought that I could go viral too, the artist said. His process involves taking a photograph of his subject, then another after whispering, youre a fuckin poser and everyone knows it. Hard Style accompanied Goldsworthy to a Defenestrated Sandwiches show at The Bug Jar to observe his process.
You will not believe the impact that one sentence had on Goldsworthys subjects. Some responded in disbelief, some got incredibly shy, actually most were just very confused. But none of them could hide the raw emotion caused by one simple word. Hard Style was fortunate enough to get to discuss the photos with the subjects themselves.
Dave Love, classmate of the artist.
I thought Eli and I were friends! He knows how much I hate poserdom and how hard I work to not be seen as a poser. You Buzzfeed jerks tell Eli that hes dead to me!
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Lebanese-Australian has today revealed that while his renowned manscaping skills are revered by his customers, it is common knowledge that the best chin strap going around his suburb is the one sitting on his own face. Bob Khattar Jnr who hails from the inner-south Betoota locality known as Kfar Country 
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact With the guilt of a two-month long pig out resting on his conscience, Mike Jung decided enough was enough and set himself a goal of getting fit. The mildly-successful Betoota Ponds buyers agent downloaded the FatTwoFive app to his rapidly slowing iPhone 4 yesterday morning and visited his local Cuckletes Foot to pick 
The post Stitch Claims Victory Over News Years Resolution For The Fourth Year Running appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT A young girl who just finished a three bedroom, one moat sandcastle at Bondi Beach could stand to earn millions of dollars, after a savvy real estate agent spotted the property and asked her if shes ever thought about selling. Milly Jackson, 4, has been building sandcastles for years, having rapidly progressed from 
The post Real Estate Agent Asks Toddler Playing In Sand At Bondi If Shes Ever Thought Of Selling appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
KYOTO, Japan Nintendo announced today that it will finally be able to make the Wii U a success by reselling the leftover boxes from unsold consoles as an entirely new Switch product called Labo.
We realized a key limitation with the Wii U was that it came with a Wii U, said Nintendo President Tatsumi Kimishima. But we are determined to turn this thing into a success, even if that means just marketing the cardboard boxes themselves as a whole new product.
Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:
Despite having only sold 10 million in its 5 year lifespan, Nintendo promised they were determined to make the product a success by using every single part of it like the Native Americans used the buffalo.
Were always trying to lead the way in gaming innovation, said Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime. If this does well, were considering looking into our less popular Amiibos and seeing what we can create if we just melt a bunch into goop.
At press time, Nintendo announced a new physical bow to go along with Zelda: Breath of the Wild made from the bones of Niantic employees who worked on Pokmon GO.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local demolition expert, Digby Schuster, has tentatively accepted to suss out a new gig at the now defunct South Betoota Ladies College but hes not gonna show up if it isnt worth his time in cash payment, or copper. While walking through the Queenslander-style stilted single-sex primary school today, Digby asks the 
The post Demolition Contractor Weighs Up Copper-Wire-To-Asbestos Ratio Before Accepting Job appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Im so going to get you to defend me if I get done for DUI or something, how funny would that be? Thats the fourth time Alice Munro has been told that since she posed with her parents for a photograph out the front of the Queensland Supreme Court 
The post Graduate Lawyer Sick Of Being Asked For Legal Advice At Barbecues appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
The governments new Loneliness Minister was today told that the application to join her local old-folks club had been rejected. Who wants government interference in our social affairs? said Beryl Malling, Chairperson of the Ashford and District Old Folks Friendly Society.
Were always pleased to have decent people at our frequent gatherings, she continued, adding, and well always arrange for someone to provide a free lift, but the last thing we need is a government official telling us how to be friendly and to whom.
Ms Malling, 86, pointed out that government representatives had been invited previously to participate in the Societys activities but the administrative overload was prohibitive.
There were loads of forms to fill in, and our Club Secretary, William Goldthorpe, was supposed to wait half-an-hour or more in a telephone queue for large-print versions. Hes already 102 years old. How long do they think he can hold on to a telephone call without having to go to the lavatory?
We once invited the Queen to attend one of our meetings when she could have tried our home-made fairy cakes, free of charge, but we were offered Princess Michael of Kent instead and so, of course, we refused.
According to Mr Goldthorpe, What the government needs to understand is that ministers isolate themselves by their own doing. They need psychotherapy, not publicly-funded social opportunities, said the sprightly centenarian.
Ms Mallings fairy-cake recipe is available free of charge at www.adofs.com/recipies where all the ingredients can be ordered with just one click, and a specially-trained supermarket driver will brighten your week with a one-to-one greeting and a personal apology for the substitutions.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the University of Newcastle has found that former Newcastle Knights legend and current Triple M Grill Team host, Matty Johns, is fairly certain that he is a hat guy. Despite not suffering from any visible form of hair loss, and not having a necessarily large melon, the 46-year-old has 
The post Report: Matty Johns Reckons Hes Pulling Off The Flat Brim appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
For the first time in more than a decade an Australian tennis player has made it through to the second set of the Australian Open.
Plucky qualifier Dylan Catgut thrilled local fans by lasting almost a full hour on centre court before having to withdraw from the contest after stubbing his toe on the umpires chair with the scores at 0-6, 0-3.
Im glad I was able to pay back some of the $10 million that Tennis Australia has invested in my development, said the humble crowd favourite after the loss against a cardboard cut out of American 987th seed Alex Footfault. I was strongly tempted to pack it in during the fifth game of the first set when a bee started buzzing around me but I dug deep and hung in there for another fifteen minutes.
Having noted how respectful and well spoken he was during the post match interview, Tennis Australia immediately ordered that Catgut undergo some intensive media training to ensure he displays the levels of petulance and entitlement the Australian public expects from its tennis champions.
Meanwhile, the Commonwealth Bank has offered to open an account for Bernard Tomic and issue him a monthly statement, saving him the hassle of having to count his millions for himself.
You can follow The (un)Australian on...
BOSTON A new study conducted by the Berklee College of Music has found that one in five jazz cats are now going hog wild on their saxophones, wigging out researchers and social statisticians alike.
We found a record number of hep cats freaky-jiving, shucking sour clams, and puffing limp balloons, said lead researcher Bernie McKenna. If we cant figure out whats causing this sudden uptick in hot licks, we might have an epidemic of people popping their tops.
With no reliable cure for the condition, experienced jazz musicians have taken steps to protect themselves.
The best thing you can do for someone going hog wild is give them a smooth, tight pocket for grooving just let em sit on it and blow that horn until their lights go out, said jazz trumpeter Skinny Jimmy LaFontaine. If the cat is really blowing its nose and the boogie wont show, you gotta step on it double time just to burn the chops.
While no demographic is immune to going hog wild, researchers found the condition is most frequent in men between 18 and 35 years old and not only those who play brass instruments.
It can hit axe men, hide hitters, bone ticklers you name it. But right now, sax players are getting hit hardest, noted bass scholar Vincent Scales. Balloon lung seems to be the biggest predictor for actually going full hog wild.
Despite the lack of scientific consensus, the jazz community at large hasnt shown any major signs of panic.
Cats have gone hog wild since way before I ever tickled my first licorice stick, said Sandy Winston, Berklees Director of Contemporary Clarinet Theory. Its just part of the game. You can either play through it, or you cant. Look at Herbie Hancock. He got way freaky on Head Hunters and never recovered. Still gets work, though.
While civilians are generally considered low-risk, authorities advise that uncontrolled scatting may be a sign of a person going hog wild and encourage extreme caution.
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Tweet TowerUnder the increased speculation that the president is unfit for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed exceedingly well on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained mostly tailored questions that
1991 to 1999, the show Doug graced on our television screens and
informed our childhoods. His awkward antics, active imagination,
and strong moral compass gave me someone to look up to. If it
werent for Doug I never would have overcome my fear of liver and
onions. But where is he now?
In early 2016, the controversial decision was made to build the Dakota Access Pipeline, putting the water supply of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation at risk. This caused a massive protest which only heightened when the protesters were attacked by dogs, water cannons, and other harsh treatments. Across the nation people expressed their support.
Unfortunately, Doug had long since left television, leaving us to guess where he would stand with this issue. Perhaps he wouldve seen what was happening and thought, I care more about oil than the rights of Native Americans We just dont know..
Such a reaction would, of course, be despicable. His mom was an environmentalist for Christs sake. She should have raised him better than that. Quailman would feel shame for what has become of his creator.
Sure, he never actually expressed support for the pipeline, but without an episode to confirm he didnt, room for doubt is left.
For this reason I cannot bring myself to rewatch any of the classic episodes such as Dougs secret song for Patti, or when he attempted ventriloquism. Its been tainted.
I propose that Doug returns to set the record straight. Doug can be at Standing Rock joining the peaceful protests, standing up to the army tanks. If thats too much then have Doug make a #NODAPL Twitter post to spread awareness or check in at Standing Rock to confuse police attempting to target protest groups.
Itll be just like that time Alf stood up to that tank in Tiananmen Square.
Article by Rob Steinberg
Stand with The Hard Times and buy a
Undeterred by its recent false start in what it describes as an exciting new market, retailer Marks & Spencer has announced the recruitment of what is thought to be the countrys first Vegan Butcher to lead the development of their new range of speciality vegetable products.
Tristan Merryflower, former Engagement Manager and Feng Shui Consultant to the Primrose Marketing Board, is the excited new job holder and commented yesterday: I am proud to head the launch of M&Ss new ethical butchery range and I am assembling a team of vegan and vegetarian specialists who are honing their knife skills to create an exciting new range of products.
Tristan was the creative force behind the recent launch of M&Ss Cauliflower Steak range and he is now working on a number of new products, including Cabbage Cutlets, Broccoli Brisket and Tenderloin of Leek.
M&Ss original plan was to launch the range just before Christmas with their new Sprout Shank product which consists of sprouts sold on the stem. Unfortunately, due to a mix up at the packaging plant, these were sent out to stores labeled as plain old Brussels Sprouts. A costly mistake commented Tristan, as wed have got twice the price for the correct product.
Rejoice! The Bayeux Tapestry is to be displayed in Britain for the first time after the French government agreed to let it leave their shores for the first time in 950 years.
Excited? No, us neither, but it wont stop you enjoying our favourite responses to the biggest loan deal since the high street banks bailout.
Only Mrs Mays Government could celebrate Brexit by bringing the Bayeux Tapestry to Britain! Liam Foxs trade triumphs with Trump and Xi are about as likely as the restoration of King Harold.
Andrew Adonis (@Andrew_Adonis) January 17, 2018
I like the Bayeux Tapestry its so C21st pic.twitter.com/KxQm0YUDIJ
Giles Dilnot (@reporterboy) January 17, 2018
"I gift to you The Bayeux Tapestry; a tale of how the English had shitty leaders and then we kicked their derrieres."
"Not really but thanks" pic.twitter.com/IPZFr4sC4L
James Felton (@JimMFelton) January 17, 2018
Grinchy Chris (@grinchymeanone) January 17, 2018
A reminder that the #BayeuxTapestry features this guy...
ALBANY, N.Y. Local man Evan Carr stumbled upon Train tracks recently during a deep depression, narrowly escaping certain death, helpless but relieved family members and friends confirmed.
I knew something was wrong when Drops of Jupiter came on the radio, and instead of changing the station to something less horrible, Evan turned up the volume, said Pedro Bailey, a close friend of Carr. Ive never seen him like that before. It shook me to the core, to be perfectly honest.
After being cut down to one shift per week delivering food for Pizza Emporium, and a not-so-amicable break up with his longtime girlfriend, Carr grew increasingly despondent.
We tried to get him into therapy after I found a Train ticket in his nightstand drawer, said Carrs mother, Shelley. He told me he had no intention of using the ticket, and not to worry about him because he was a Bulletproof Picasso whatever that means.
In a twisted response to the concerns of his loved ones, Carr invited them along to hit Train with him, insisting that it would be fun.
This kind of disturbing behavior is most prevalent in winter months. Its usually not an indicator of the persons character, but, more likely, a cry for help, said Emma Cower, a therapist specializing in seasonal depression. But, sometimes, youll get a rare case where someone commits an act of self-harm you never see coming.
Those who have known Carr for years say all of the warning signs, so clear in hindsight, were ignored.
Something was off about that guy, said Brittney Fonseca, a former college classmate of Carr. He was always trying to get people to listen to Matchbox Twenty songs that came out, like, 14 years ago, and singing Mr. Jones to himself in the halls. Yeah, its sad, but no one is surprised.
Showing support, some of Carrs friends and his Soul Sister, Caroline Carr, accompanied him to the concert.
Train got on the first track, and I ran for safety, said Ms. Carr. I thought this was going to be one of Evans 50 Ways to Say Goodbye, but he came out of it alive. Not unscathed, but alive.
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What a lovely story, by Antonia Nicol on Twitter.
Before my mum passed away, she gave my dad strict instructions to water the plants in the bathroom. He's been religiously watering them & keeping them alive. They look so amazing he decided to take them to his new home, only to discover they are plastic! Can hear my mum chuckling pic.twitter.com/N87giD5zKT
Antonia Nicol (@Flaminhaystack) January 16, 2018
It got people chuckling and filling up, all at the same time.
OMG! What a legend! Sorry to hear of your loss <3
Laura (@LDBrog) January 16, 2018
I was actually welling up til the punchline!!!
Sue Marsh (@suey2y) January 16, 2018
There's something deeply human about it too. I looked after my mum up to her passing and our humour was often jet black. Too easy to forget it. Thanks for sharing!
andy. (@Lawnordermobile) January 16, 2018
Fantastic. Your mum sounds hilarious
Suzanne (@librasuzanne) January 16, 2018
Except one person thought the story wasnt all that it appears.
Weird, quick reverse image search and it appears this is complete bs? pic.twitter.com/jv2NA7OPJb
What happens next?
New free kick routine in Japan! pic.twitter.com/FU3jKxvaRF
Football Fights (@footbalIfights) January 17, 2018
Cant see it catching on over here but wed like to see someone try it.
Spirit of the game?
Graham Miller (@MeVu) January 17, 2018
That was bloody brilliant
paul ward (@paulmufc05) January 17, 2018
The post Youve never seen a free kick routine quite like this appeared first on The Poke.
A bunch of MRAs thats Mens Rights Activists were unhappy that there were a lot of women in the new Star Wars film, The Last Jedi.
So they recut it to take them all out, which left only 46 minutes but they appeared to think it was an improvement.
priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) January 16, 2018
But then the stars of the film found about it too, and it was at this point that it all turned rather glorious.
First, the films writer and director Rian Johnson.
Priscilla hits all the major points here but Ill just add hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha https://t.co/f0bKJ9NeUe
Rian Johnson (@rianjohnson) January 16, 2018
Then Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill.
Then John Boyega, who plays Finn.
And back to Luke Skywalker again.
Good to know we're on the same page, son. https://t.co/5hA1pd7CPM
@HamillHimself (@HamillHimself) January 16, 2018
Heres what film critic...
East Hades, Nether World. Exclusive to Spoof News. Official temperature reports for last year indicate an astonishing trend that, if it continues, would result in Death Valley, CA, having a higher temperature on its hottest days than has ever been re...
Huge, over-populated global cities smothered in pollution are causing the growth of a strange, underground creature; Super Rats (No not Supermen)! Rats fed on our crap are beginning to grow to enormous sizes, have huge teeth and tails, and are fri...
Mar-A-Lago, FL Trump announced, in between Hole 14 and Hole 15 of his private golf course, that his new tax plan is going to help some of the Forgotten Americans, like millionaires and billionaires that are right on the edge. "Most of all, the new...
Washington, DC According to recent polls, the country is at a very relaxed state-one that it hasn't been in since the last time Trump left the country. "Even though we of course are worried about what damage Trump might do by riling up our allies...
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