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Monday, 17 December

01:45

Punk Dad Grills Daughters New Boyfriend About Five Best Black Flag Songs The Hard Times

TORRANCE, Calif. Longtime punk and father Al Diaz thoroughly interrogated his teenage daughters new boyfriend last night about which five Black Flag songs are the best, embarrassed sources who are totally out of here when they are 18 confirmed.

Gabby [Diaz] warned me her father was sort of a hard-ass, and that hed ask me all these questions about old man music, said 17-year-old Carlo Andrade. The first thing he asked me is if I think crowd surfing is cool, and then said Gabby and I could go see a movie once I ranked the five best Black Flag songs and which singer I thought was best, and why.

The elder Diaz firmly believes hes doing his fatherly duty to prevent his daughter from dating potential posers.

Im just being a dad I dont think Im doing anything out of the ordinary. Naming five Black Flag songs should be easy for anyone with an even cursory understanding of punk, said Diaz. My daughter is my world. I cant have her dating some guy who thinks Warped Tour counts as a punk show, or that Hot Topic is the best place to buy a band shirt. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night.

However, the youngest Diaz daughter claimed her fathers constant questioning of her potential suitors punk prowess has been an issue since she started dating during her freshman year of high school.

I remember my first boyfriend Kevin came over for dinner with my family he showed up wearing a Panic! at the Disco shirt, and my dad slammed the door in his face, said the teenager, who has been forced to attend punk shows since she was a child. He turned to me and said, No daughter of mine is dating some swoopy-haired dork. Then, he excused himself to alphabetize his record collection. I know he cares about me, but I feel like at this rate, Ill be alone forever.

Ultimately, the elder Diaz was disappointed by Andrades results.

I wish my daughter would find a nice punk boy who hates authority and wont put up with my bullshit, said Diaz. Each one of her boyfriends is like, Yes, sir, No, sir, Understood, sir and not one of them has told me to fuck off, or even tried to fight me. I think I might bring her to the squat over on 34th and introduce her to some of the guys over there.

The post Punk Dad Grills Daughters New Boyfriend About Five Best Black Flag Songs appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Sunday, 16 December

23:00

Trumps hair punching well below its weight claim US trichologists NewsBiscuit

President Donald Trumps hair is punching well below its weight and needs to seriously think about moving to the head of a much worthier celebrity, according to a new study undertaken by the American Society of Trichology.

Their Press Officer Cody Schlibbits said: The hair is world famous but for it to be throwing itself away by just sitting atop the head of a guy like Trump is crazy. Does it have no self respect or ambition at all? We have now written to it suggesting it seriously considers moving to someone like Johnny Depp, Michael Bubl or Prince William to make a statement that says Look at me! I really am world-class!

But New York barber, Luigi Cafolla, who has cut Trumps hair for over four decades disagrees. Hey, what can I tell yah? For Mr Trumps hair to leave him after all this time would be suicide for them both. They just kinda fit one another. Sure, we laugh when we see them together. Same as when we see him alongside Melania. Everyone knows its wrong and it dont fool nobody but it just puts a smile on our faces. Know what Im sayin?

 

21:51

Morrison Responds To Everyday Concerns Of Australians By Recognising West Jerusalem As Israels Capital The Shovel

Scott Morrison jerusalem

Saying his government was switched on to the needs of middle Australia, Prime Minister Scott Morrison today announced that Australia would recognise West Jerusalem as the Israeli capital, after weeks of deliberations.

In one of his first decisive moves as Prime Minister, Mr Morrison said the symbolic recognition of the small middle eastern nations capital tapped into the concerns and frustrations of everyday Australians.

What mums and dads are talking about around the kitchen table right across the country right now is the relative merits of a nation in Oceania shifting its nominal recognition of Israels capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, he said.

People dont want to hear about where their next pay packet is coming from. They want to know the answer to the trivia question According to the Australian government, what is the official capital of Israel?, which is why weve been spending so much time on this.

He said the issue tapped into the core concerns of working Australia. Regular Aussies on the streets tell me about their cost of living pressures, and I say to them dont worry, Australia is moving its embassy in from Tel Aviv.

Mr Morrison confirmed that Australias Israeli embassy would move to Wentworth in April next year.

21:00

A Christmas message from President Trump NewsBiscuit

 

First, let me wish you all a merry CHRISTMAS. Yes thats CHRISTMAS, folks. Not this holidays baloney Ive been seeing everywhere in recent years. Happy Holidays is a FAKE SALUTATION. I mean what the hell is that load of crap about?

Bing Crosby didnt sing White Holidays, did he?  Well theres gonna be no more tiptoeing around the finer feelings of religious crackpots and minority weirdo-beardos when Donald J Trumps in The White House.  These people can suck up our great American traditions like Christmas or get the hell outta our goddamn country.  Period!

Now what about my kids?  Arent they doing a swell job helping me to make America great?  Yes they are.  TRUE!  Don Junior has had a fantastic 2017, just the best 2017.  Im particularly proud of him because even with his super-heavy day-to-day workload hes still found time to take night classes and is now almost 100% fluent in Russian.

And Ivanka hey, take it easy there guys!  Now I dont wanna brag or nuthin but shes one helluva girl.  Why, if I werent her Da err anyway shes a great businesswoman, just the best businesswoman.  She gives me great advice too when Im making America great and her fashion design business is amazing.  Ivankas designs make clothes sold by that Victoria Beckham dame look like rags that even an average Mexican would throw in the trashcan.

Jared, her husband (what a lucky guy, WOW!) is a fantastic Senior Advisor to me and an amazing servant to America.  What a great job hes doing in The Middle East for us. I really think hes gonna bring a strong and lasting peace there.  A great peace.  The best peace.

Folks say its because Jareds family that he got into my inner circle.  Well let me say I personally vetted all the security background check forms he filled in, and I can state categorically that hes never even so much as had measles let alone any trace of nepotism.  Hes clean one hundred percent.

Finally Id like to say a few words about Melania.  Wow! Is she one red-hot babe or what?

OK, so I gotta go now.  I hope that Santa Claus brings you all even more guns and automatic assault rifles than you know what to do with, as much roast squirrel and roadkill as you can scrape off the highway and lets all look forward to a GREATER 2018 together.

God bless America!

Donald J Trump

Chipchase

20:32

James Woods tried to correct CNN and its a glorious self-own The Poke

James Woods used to be best known as an actor who was in some half decent films 30 years ago. Now hes mostly known for being synonymous with the alt-right and loving Donald Trump.

So as you can imagine hes not a very big fan of CNN and when he spotted a glaring on-screen error, he did what his favourite president would do. He went on Twitter.

Except, just like Trump, he ended up making a dick of himself instead.

Not only that, it wasnt even a new CNN clip.

To conclude

Or if you prefer, this.

...

20:10

This brilliant act of petty revenge went viral because its so satisfying The Poke

This womans act of petty revenge went viral because its just so damn satisfying. Plus, we hope one day well be in a position to do something similar, when our life will truly be complete.

The woman is called Sarah Blanger Demaneuf and she shared a photo on Facebook of a not unattractive star-shaped tree ornament with the caption, The Star of Vengeance.

And this was her story.

I just cant get into the holiday spirit until I post this. Have a vengeful Christmas yall!!

The Star of Vengeance

This is my favorite Christmas ornament, but rather than symbolize peace and goodwill, as it should, it symbolises vengeance and spite.

I was working at a local retail store after Christmas and all of our ornaments were reduced to 75% off. This little star was .50 cents. A terrible woman (dressed to the nines and driving a high-end Lexus, so pretty well off) came into the store and wanted 4 star ornaments, but wanted to only pay .25 cents a piece.

As we werent at a yard sale I said no and she started arguing with me, becoming increasingly rude and belligerent. After not bullying me into caving she said Fine! My friend works at the other store in Huntsville and she told me that all the ornaments will be 90% off tomorrow, so Ill just come back in the morning. I cant guarantee theyll still be here, I said. And the jerk said, There are 12 in the store. No one is going to buy all 12. Ill get what I want, prepare to feel stupid tomorrow.

So in an anti grinch moment my heart shrank 3 sizes and I bought all 12 star ornaments. I then called the other Huntsville store and bought ALL their ornaments. And just to be extra spiteful I bought all the star ornaments in Decatur and Florence. It was the most vengeful $30 I ever spent.

The next morning she was at the store as soon as we had opened. I had the pleasure of telling her that ALL of the star ornaments in North Alabama had been sold to one customer. The look on her face was worth every penny spent.

For years I gave the ornaments to friends and family, but I saved just one for myself. 17 years later, I still smile when I hang it on my tree.

You can read the full post, and everyones responses, here.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

...

19:53

Madonna taking down this interviewer about sexuality and censorship is a very satisfying watch The Poke

This clip of Madonna taking down a TV interviewer over her slightly saucy/shockingly sexually explicit (delete according to taste) video for Justify My Love in 1990 has gone viral all over again because its just so great.

And its as relevant today as it was then.

Asked if MTV should have a designated time for adult content, she replies:

I think MTV should have their violence hour and I think they should have their degradation to women hour

If were going to have censorship, lets not be hypocrites about it. Lets not have double standards. We already have these videos that have violence and show degradation to women being shown 24 hours a day, but yet they dont want a video playing that deals with sex between two consenting adults.

Boom!

18:00

Criminals must now use same forms as police NewsBiscuit

The government has ruled that all criminals must now use the same explanatory and reporting forms as the various police forces around Britain.

Amid criticism that bureaucracy and health-and-safety gone mad have found yet another part of British life to strangle with inefficiency, Britains criminals have been trying to get to grips with the complex and time consuming procedures involved.

One dealer from East London was fairly typical of the resentful reaction when he complained: Its one thing doing a chain of custody form after youve taken delivery of 5 ks of Charlie. But imagine what its like when youve cut it with drain cleaner, divided it into hundreds of individual baggies and you have to complete part A of the same form for every single one of them. Its just ridiculous but I have no choice.

We tried to warn the government but they wouldnt listen. And then they even expect you to add up the total weight and explain why it doesnt match the amount you started with. I tried putting in something about coz I is a criminal you stupid git but they just sent all the forms back and made me do them again.

The 10 page use of force form has provoked similarly scathing reactions with one Essex face complaining: The other day, I knifed Basildon Gerry in the guts and you know me I wouldnt ve done it without a good reason but a simple explanation that the slimeball had ripped off my stash wasnt good enough.

They just handed me this vast form to fill in full of stupid questions. The looniest question of all was the one where they wanted to know what alternatives I had considered before embarking on the use of force. I put in something sensible about considering cutting off his todger with a rusty hacksaw but that wasnt the answer they were looking for apparently. It puts you right off. It really does.

 

scribbler

14:40

Universities To Recognise Netflix Documentaries And Joe Rogan Podcast As Offical Qualifications The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In news that may upset some properly qualified professionals, universities have today announced that from 2020 onwards they will be recognising Netflix documentaries and Joe Rogan podcasts as acceptable qualifications or credits towards all post-graduate degrees. A spokesperson from Betoota University explained to The Advocate how the move was an attempt to modernise []

The post Universities To Recognise Netflix Documentaries And Joe Rogan Podcast As Offical Qualifications appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:16

Little Cousin Wants To Know If Youve Ever Heard Of Goon Of Fortune The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact [Haha] Have you guys ever played goon of fortune? Chase Dall (15) asked his older cousins, while sitting around an outdoor table out of earshot of his parents. Chases cousins are all 23-29 years old, so when he asked them if they knew how to play this particular drinking game, they knew they []

The post Little Cousin Wants To Know If Youve Ever Heard Of Goon Of Fortune appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:06

Mate Unsuccessfully Tries To Bring In Lingo From Other Friendship Group The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man Richard Lexington has just broken the flow of conversation with his mates by trying to drop in lingo from another friendship group. Its understood that the foreign phrases went completely over the heads of everyone and instead of adding to the humour of the situation, they actually left everyone more confused. []

The post Mate Unsuccessfully Tries To Bring In Lingo From Other Friendship Group appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:36

Soon-To-Be Very Unwell Man Has Another Hash Brownie Because First Didnt Work After 5 Minutes The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local man who probably smokes pot once every two years, has today decided that he must have a high tolerance to the THC in his mates new batch of brownies, and that one brownie wasnt enough. Having never experimented with cannabis-infused edibles before, Scotty Maley (31) was more than eager to []

The post Soon-To-Be Very Unwell Man Has Another Hash Brownie Because First Didnt Work After 5 Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:20

Subdeplorable Trumpsick Blues Daily Discord

Most of us get up in the morning for work and drive over the structurally unsound bridge and then pass the accident at that same place you know, the dangerous intersection the city keeps ignoring. But its all good. The cop writes the tickets while the mechanic, the tow truck, and the hospital get their cut and, hey, now they captured it all

04:00

A seasonal round-robin from The Prime Minister NewsBiscuit

Well where has this past year gone? I cant believe its all passed by so quickly but what a year its been! One where Ive cemented my place firmly as the UKs guiding force and my governments successes have been almost too many to mention.

Some naysayers are suggesting that we are getting bogged down over one single issue and therefore taking our eye off the ball in other key areas of government but of course this is absolute nonsense. Without having to think too hard let me just say Defence and The NHS. Both running like well-oiled engines, in fact it wouldnt be too much of an idle boast were I to say that they practically run themselves these days.

Having said that then if youd kindly permit me to mention the B word. No not bastards nor indeed Boris. What Im alluding to is Brexit hahaha!

Were well on our way to delivering the Brexit the country voted for and under my guidance the negotiation team has done an almost peerless job. The post of Brexit Minister has proven to be so popular that I felt it was only fair to let a few of my boys have a shot at it and what a great job they have done. Splendid work boys! All of you! The entire process is progressing just as a smooth as a babys bottom, and with my excellently-negotiated killer deal to look forward to come March 29th, Britain has never been in better shape to face our new voyage on the seas of global commerce.

And what about some of my little stars? I know its not fair to single out particular people but how could I not mention that lovable scamp, Boris, or Machiavelli as we all call him affectionately.

I was genuinely moved when without a single thought for his own future he very kindly stepped aside to let Jeremy Hunt take over at the Foreign Office. Such selflessness and caring behavior. And the cynics say politics is nothing but a gang of self-serving megalomaniacs. Well Boris has definitely poo-pooed that old chestnut. And nice too to see hes smartened up his haircut and lost a few pounds of unsightly flab. Maybe hes got an amorous encounter going on behind the scenes *Winks*

Id like to also mention my sister Arlene Foster for her unswerving support this year and helping us steer the good ship GB through the turbulent waters that we sometimes have to face from time to time. Love yah, girlfriend!

And last but by no means least my own dear Philip. My rock and my salvation during the odd times when the going gets a little tough. I like nothing better than to sit with him at Chequers watching our favourite television quizzes, The Chase and Pointless. Some say both of these might well be construed as perfect metaphors for my Premiership but in all honesty I cant see what they mean at all.

Anyhow although I could go on at greater length but I must close for...

01:45

Calm, Motionless Teen With Hello Kitty Backpack Most Terrifying Person in Mosh Pit The Hard Times

ATLANTA 17-year-old Fumiko Ishioka startled audience members at a hardcore show last night, standing motionless in the center of the mosh pit while wearing a pink Hello Kitty backpack and completely ignoring the chaos around her, according to numerous eyewitness accounts.

Ive been going to hardcore shows for almost two decades, and Ive seen dudes get in fights, bust their faces open on broken glass, break their bones you name it. But that? That shit was on another level, said Brock Winters, a 35-year-old ex-Marine and local musician, of the glacial stillness and vacant expression of the bespectacled, 51 honor student. That girl was fuckin psychotic.

Fellow mosher and crossfit trainer Shelly Burrelson confirmed Winters wasnt the only one disturbed by the lingering presence of the debate team alternate due to remove her braces next month.

At one point, I fell down I was getting kicked and stomped on, so I reached out in the dark, just trying to feel my way out of the pit. Thats when my hand grazed her bobby socks, said Burrelson, shuddering. I looked up, and she was staring at me like it was no big deal like I was just doing a jigsaw puzzle on the ground, instead of merely doing my best to survive. She was so insanely calm about everything that I was like, Is this bitch for real? And then I was like, Wait is she real? Because when I looked back, she was gone.

The mayhem the Gwinnett County High School second-chair violinist unleashed wasnt confined to the mosh pit, however, as her unspeakable poise and grace unnerved those on the periphery as well.

I usually dont even get near the pit, said C.J. Lawson, who saw Ishioka from the back of the venue. But when the lights changed mid-song, it reflected off her plastic backpack and blinded the fuck out of me. After that, I couldnt look away she looked like one of the twins from The Shining. That just isnt cool. Someone should pull her aside and tell her that type of behavior is unacceptable.

I wont do it, he added, but someone should.

Unavailable for comment, Ishioka was, at press time, sitting by herself on a bench in Piedmont Park, making up names for pigeons and writing them on her hand.

The post Calm, Motionless Teen With Hello Kitty Backpack Most Terrifying Person in Mosh Pit appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Saturday, 15 December

23:00

Hospitals not overcrowded they are just popular NewsBiscuit

Ministers were quick to clarify that the Christmas queues for hospital admission, were caused by the draw of resort-like facilities, the mortuarys ever-popular Santas grotto and the fact that rickets is still in vogue. Branding buildings as overcrowded failed to take into account that facilities are smaller now, while patients are noticeably fatter.

If anything, the jammed waiting rooms were a tribute to the NHS fashionable vibe and are a great way to preserve body heat. From now on the funding gap will be referred to as a fiscal hiatus and the nursing shortage will simply be called vertically-challenged.

A Health official explained: Doctors say that over-crowding is now in the red zone, but I say were just getting into the fun zone. Elbow-to-elbow, fit to bust this is more like Glastonbury but with more dementia and slightly less chlamydia.

This new-found popularity does come at a cost, with many patients having to book their beds in advance of getting ill. Said one prospective customer, in a tent outside their local A&E ward: Im planning to have diaphragmatic hernia sometime in 2021, so it made sense to start camping now. And if I get pneumonia in the process, well Im in the right place arent I?

21:00

One dead, two pregnant, five sacked in best ever office Christmas party NewsBiscuit

stationery cupboard fuller than everEmployees at an office supply firm in Leatherhead were celebrating today after their annual Christmas party topped their previous record for fatalities, colleague impregnation and on-the-spot dismissals.

Theres always a certain pressure to make each years Christmas do better than the last, said Emma Kirkwood, junior sales assistant at Deskatronic and this years party organiser. But in the end it was a triumph. All we could manage last year was a paper-weight induced head injury and two temps having their contracts ended for arson. Janice from reception still isnt even clear whether her September baby was conceived in-house at our party or outsourced to our suppliers Christmas bash the week after.

The party started with drinks in the office at lunchtime, but quickly moved on to the accounts departments annual swivel-chair race. We call it the Tour de Finance, said accounts manager Harry Driver. The mountain stages on the stairwell are particularly gruelling. The winner gets to wear the coveted Yellow Jersey Boxers, but those who manage the descent unscathed usually find their underwear has turned that colour anyway.

Later in the afternoon the five-man sales team was summarily dismissed after listing all the office chairs, desks and IT equipment on eBay in a bid to hit their December sales targets. Tragedy then followed when Alan Rogers, 48-year-old logistics manager, was electrocuted while sitting on the photocopier with his trousers round his ankles after spilling his beer on the Xerox. It was a tragic and hilarious accident, said managing director, Keith Shah, wiping the tears from his eyes. But at least we have one hundred A3 copies of Alans arse to remember him by. Its what he would have wanted.

Deskatronic attributes its successful Christmas party to a culture of continuous improvement and never settling for second best. When our competitors started reporting serious injuries, sexual assaults and increased staff turnover in December, we knew we had to up our game, said Shah. Im really proud of what the teams achieved.

The celebrations were completed when an ambulance crew came to deal with Alans body. Thinking they were strip-a-grams, Tamsin and Shreeti undressed the paramedics and took them on a tour of the stationery cupboard. Something to do with hole-punching, I think, added Shah. Anyway, theyve both said they wont be around for next years bash and have asked for Mothercare vouc...

18:00

Nigel Farage Rule Britannia Opening Night NewsBiscuit

With details due to be confirmed in January about the style and make-up of Nigel Farages new political party, a short series of warm-up rallies sees him getting supporters in the mood for the rebirth of his life in frontline politics.

Consequently opening night in Carshalton saw expectations running at fever pitch with a pre-Christmas party-like atmosphere of ecstatic jubilation as hundreds of bigots, disenfranchised Tories and Ukippers, xenophobes and elderly Daily Mail readers took their seats in rapt anticipation of the first performance on whats being dubbed by many commentators his Rule Britannia Comeback Tour.

The stage set was simple and sparse as red white and blue laser beams swept the room with two statues of Britannia flanking the podium and a large plasma screen showing clips of Nigels June 2016 early morning Independence Day speech.

The lights then dimmed and to tumultuous applause as the PA belting out The Dam Busters March, he was carried on-stage in a sedan chair borne aloft by four road crew wearing bowler hats with Union Jack t-shirts and shorts. And right form the get-go he had the crowd in the palm of his hand.

He opened with a blistering attack on immigrants delighting his audience with an extended improvised passage about dole-scrounging and fraudulent benefit claims that very nearly brought the house down. At one point a blue-rinsed septuagenarian supporter got past security and draped her knickers over Nigels head before planting a kiss on his cheek.

After the interval it was vintage Farage all the way as he made an impassioned plea for Mrs May to be ousted as soon as possible with calls for an immediate second no confidence motion, before moving onto what the crowd had been waiting for and he did not disappoint. It was obvious to all that his powers have not been diminished and it was as if hed never been away when he closed the last forty minutes of the set with a tour de force all guns blazing full-frontal attack on The EU.

Of course he was called back for the obligatory encore; a tough-talking piece slating Remainers wherein he confirmed that he is indeed to go back into frontline politics with his new party and personally see that the resounding 52% majority who voted Brexit will not be betrayed. And on that note, with the crowd going crazy, there were two massive thunder flashes and a confetti cannon blast and he was gone.

As they left the venue the audience, seemed to this reviewer, to be frenzied, fired-up and on the lookout for a late night roast beef dinner with all the trimmings.

17:13

Study Finds That 98.7% of All Successful Parries Performed Accidentally The Hard Times

NEW HAVEN, Conn. A Yale University study confirmed what gamers have known to be true for years: nearly every successfully executed parry in any video game is performed accidentally.

Parries are typically so difficult and come with such little payoff that they really arent worth the effort, states the studys abstract. The parry tends to be the most-repeated part of a games tutorial, and few players attempt them in the real game unless its absolutely required.

Professor Joan Winston, author of the study, tracked 350 gamers over the course of two years to confirm her suspicions.

Game developers shoehorn this bullshit move into almost every game just to frustrate gamers and distract them from the joy of beating the shit out of all on-screen enemies, Professor Winston explained. Whether it is input lag, latency issues or just general fuckery, most gamers will never learn to parry on a routine basis and instead will settle for performing a block or decide to put on their big boy pants and relentlessly attack their opponent.

Maria Boggs, software engineer at Motion Twin, defended the inclusion of the parry in the companys popular roguelike game Dead Cells.

It adds so many extra minutes of game time by forcing players to discover the worthlessness of Dead Cells shields on their own, Boggs argues. How can you appreciate the power and fun of the melee weapons and traps in the our game if you havent experienced the utter boredom of trying to parry?

Professor Winstons study also revealed another interesting fact: the vast majority of successful parries are only executed by a tiny handful of players.

I became the worlds best Street Fighter V player by only ever using Cammys parry. People fucking hate me, said SFV champion Eugene Lisowski. Apparently, I account for 15% of all successful parries in human history.

At press time, a comprehensive study by a team of researchers at Harvard University found that 100% of the Yale researches are absolute trash at fighting games.

The post Study Finds That 98.7% of All Successful Parries Performed Accidentally appeared first on...

12:36

Entity Defies Any Kind Of Classification TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

An entity that used to be a human male has spoken out about its choice to 'self-alienate', and to escape any kind of classification or categorisation aside from 'it'. The entity, or 'it', has shed its name, thrown away its birth certificate, and d...

10:35

Why Saying Yeah Righto Followed By An Unflattering Lookalike Is The Ultimate Burn The Betoota Advocate

JAMIE HOTTAKE | Outrage | CONTACT Theres been a lot of talk about toxic masculinity lately. In fact, as an opinion writer for an online news publication who grew up between two separate but extraordinarily well-off households (after my parents divorce, yeah, it sucked) and went to a prestigious strict single-sex private school, Toxic Masculinity seems to []

The post Why Saying Yeah Righto Followed By An Unflattering Lookalike Is The Ultimate Burn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:26

Byron Bay Erect New Sculpture As A Tribute To The Appendage Attached To Most Residents Heads The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A new statue erected overnight on the newly opened $5.6 million Bayshore Drive Roundabout at Byron Bay has been described as the most honest public artform since the Hollywood sign. The sculpture, which looks eerily similar to body part most often associated with the foreheads of 90% of the Northern Rivers population, []

The post Byron Bay Erect New Sculpture As A Tribute To The Appendage Attached To Most Residents Heads appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:44

Tinder Date Just Barely Long Enough to List Every Type of IPA The Hard Times

ASHEVILLE, N.C. A Tinder date at ODonnelleys Pub Tuesday evening was reportedly almost too short for a local man to describe every variety of India Pale Ale, a relieved source confirmed.

I figured there was time to begin with the IPAs origins in the shipping practices of the East India Company, but in hindsight, I shouldve hurried, said homebrewing enthusiast and Tinder regular Blake Drudge. Before I knew it, Cindy [Wentz] wolfed down her salad and was asking for the check and I hadnt even gotten to the recent popularity of bourbon barrel aging!

Restaurant staff confirmed Drudge did, in fact, complete the list, thanks to some skillful maneuvering that allowed him to pull through and break it all the way down.

I told the bartender that he overcharged for our drinks, knowing full well that this would require confirmation from a manager thereby, creating an extra five minutes to cover the controversy over pumpkin ales. Personally, I think theyve become way too sugary, Drudge explained. Judging by the irritation on Cindys face, I could tell she agreed.

Experts indicate that these occurrences are becoming increasingly common, as technological advances shorten average date times and make intimacy difficult to achieve.

Dating apps have turned the courtship process into a product we consume in smaller and smaller doses, rather than a road to sustained relationships, said Dr. Talva Grossman, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. This process has created a sense of isolation in younger generations but, also, makes it easier to ghost blowhards who just like to hear themselves talk. So, overall, its a wash.

Despite numerous texts, Tinder messages, and social media requests from Drudge over the past several days, Wentz could not be reached for comment.

The post Tinder Date Just Barely Long Enough to List Every Type of IPA appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:11

Metal Gear Solid Board Game Includes 2,000 Page Dialogue Script The Hard Times

EL SEGUNDO, Calif. Video game publisher Konami announced a new board game based on their iconic Metal Gear Solid franchise this week. The gaming giant aims to recreate the gameplay experience by including a 2,000 page dialogue script for players to recite during the game.

With Metal Gear Solid: The Board Game, we wanted to truly immerse players in the MGS universe, and what better way to do that than with hour-long gameplay breaks to explain geo-political conspiracy theories? said head writer Adam Phelps during a live gameplay demonstration. This game really has it all: action, stealth, intrigue, and regular disruptions to the game to talk about the human genome project or Otacons weird boners for Sniper Wolf.

While the games creators voiced their excitement for the product, those who were allowed to try out the game left the demonstration with mixed feelings.

I love board games, and video games, so I was really excited to try this thing out, said Max Fuller, who voiced Col. Roy Campbell during the session.  Turns out, I didnt even get a piece on the board, I just had to call the guy playing Snake every five minutes to talk about the fucking Gulf War. At least I nailed my 30 minute monologue on the first take, I might try some theater classes after this.

Other players worried that the games complex setup would make it difficult for the average player to enjoy the game.

The box says this thing requires a minimum of 25 players to fill all the speaking parts, said Carla Santos, who voiced Psycho Mantis. Im a huge Metal Gear Solid fan how the hell am I supposed to make 24 friends?!

Despite the mixed reactions, the games creators are already working on another faithful adaptation of a beloved Konami franchise: A Silent Hill card game that they plan to have fully cancelled by mid 2019.

The post Metal Gear Solid Board Game Includes 2,000 Page Dialogue Script appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:00

Britain reels from non-disastrous day NewsBiscuit

Britain has been shaken to its core by experiencing a day without some kind of self-inflicted disaster. News is still sketchy but one government minister was quoted as saying: This is new territory. For years now, each day has been one easily avoided catastrophe after another but after a routine day; the DUP making a Brexit settlement impossible, a vote of no-confidence in the prime-minister, the pound collapsing the usual stuff weve suddenly been hit by a day where nothing has gone wrong.

Other MPs have been seen trying to set fire to their office. Boris Johnson said he was furious that ridiculous EU health and safety rules made it impossible for him to bring in two Jerry cans of petrol. I want a new office, its as simple as that, so the obvious way to get that is to burn down my current office then other offices will fall over themselves to make a deal. Ill be meeting representatives later today in my Oh cripes!

01:15

Opinion: Libs Want to Ban Baby Its Cold Outside Because It PROVES Global Warming Is a HOAX The Hard Times

The liberal media would have you believe that the classic Christmas Song Baby Its Cold Outside is offensive. They want you to think that its about rape culture and that it has no place in the #metoo era. They want you to believe that this song promotes violence against women. Well guess what folks? Thats nothing but a smoke screen. Liberals dont care about protecting women. The real reason they want to ban this song is because its lyrics prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that global warming is nothing but a Zionist conspiracy!

To the globalist shills who would have you believe in climate change, this is the most dangerous song in the world. I mean, it says it right in the title: Baby, its cold outside! How could there POSSIBLY be GLOBAL WARMING when it is so goddamn COLD outside?! That song depicts a night when it is so cold outside a man is forced to coerce a woman into not leaving his home out of concern for her safety. That doesnt sound like a world of melting ice caps to me!

But the song does more than just state the obvious fact that cold weather means science is lying to you. The lyrics are peppered with subtext that attempts to expose the illuminatis climate conspiracy for what it really is. When the woman in the song says Say whats in this drink? Its pretty obvious what drink shes referring to; the kool aid. The sweet cup of lies the liberal media tries to shove down your throat day in and day out trying to convince you that the earth is heating up when it is goddamn snowing out.

Lets take a closer look at some of the other so called problematic lyrics.

I really cant stay (but baby, its cold outside)
Ive got to go away (but baby, its cold outside)
I simply must go (but baby, its cold outside)
The answer is no (but baby, its cold outside)
My mother will start to worry (beautiful whats your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)
I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer? whats the sense in hurtin my pride?)

The message behind these lyrics is clear as day: Christ is born, hallelujah, merry Christmas! It takes a sick mind to spin this holiday cheer into violence against women but thats just how desperate the liberals are.

Folks, this has been the motivation for the War On Christmas all along. It is not only an attack on our lord, it part of a much larger globalist plot to spread fear through the lie of climate change. If we give in and allow them to ban this song under the false flag notion that it is explicitly about a rape and literally does not mention Christmas once then we are one step closer to being rounded up into FEMA camps and systematically executed by the illuminati.

Illuminati. Illuminaughty. Naughty list. Welcome to the truth.

The post...

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Friday, 14 December

15:46

International Institution Provides Warning About 'Stress' And 'Depression' During The Holiday Season TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

As 2018 slowly comes to an end amidst the holiday season, the International Institution of Professional Results Derived from Qualitative Research in the Subjects of Happiness, Positivity, Warm Feelings, and Euphoric Bliss (IIPRDQRSHPWFEB), has issued...

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Monday, 19 November

16:09

Trump Ready To Forgive Mohammed bin Salman In Confession TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

US President, Donald Trump, says he is ready to offer forgiveness to Saudi Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman,the man who ordered the brutal, vicious and murderous slaying of the Washington Post contributor, Saudi Arabian dissident, Jamal Khashoggi, i...

12:49

Man Tells Wife He Has No Idea Why Amazon Sent Giant Black Item To Him TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

We have all, at some time or other in our lives, received mail that was intended for someone else, and that's what one man told his wife yesterday, when a parcel from internet mail order company, Amazon, was delivered to his Los Angeles home, contain...

12:31

Trump to Print More Money to Pay Off the National Debt TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mar-A-Lago, Florida Upon hearing that his tax cut bill has added another trillion dollars to the national debt, President Trump called a press conference to address the National Debt. "The Fake News outlets are all complaining and lying about me i...

10:54

Melania Trump Stages Successful Coup, Now Head of United States TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, DC In an unfolding story, it appears that Melania Trump, who had recently been flexing her wings, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on clothes and hotel rooms, and demanding firings and reprimands, has staged a successful coup.

09:04

Thanksgiving Day - But When? TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Thanksgiving Day, that special day of the year, set aside to celebrate and give thanks for the harvest and all things Natural - but when is it? "Why, it's the fourth Thursday in November!" all Americans will be screaming - but it's not as simple a...

08:36

Fans react to disparaging remarks about Stan Lee: "It's clobbering time!" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Has-been transgender "celebrity" Bill Mayor recently tried to change careers, trading in (some would say trading on) his dubious career as a comedienne by becoming a literary critic. After disparaging television comedy as fit only for kids and...

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Sunday, 18 November

12:36

Tiger Woods And Phil Mickelson To Dine Together On Thanksgiving TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Tiger Woods and 'Big' Phil Mickelson are to put their golfing differences on hold, and will spend Thanksgiving together next Thursday, during a televised 'intimate dinner for two'. The pair, who, on Friday, 23 November, will tee off in the eagerly...

12:01

Mohammed bin Salman Is A Compulsive Liar, Says CIA TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

CIA officials working on the murder of the Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, have said that the slaying was organised by the Saudi Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman, and that his attempts to cover this up amounts to lying. The C...

11:42

Mohammed Bin Salman dream recovered and routed to the FBI TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mr. Bin Salmans dream was recovered via Googles new app DreemSeen2.0available only to those who can afford it, as with himself. The app downloads to expensive phones, requiring a plug-into-earhole function when sleeping. A surgically impla...

10:06

Jeff Rohrer To Marry A Person With A Penis TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The former Dallas Cowboys linebacker, Jeff Rohrer, has spoken out after becoming the first NFL player, past or present, to get married to a human with a cock. Rohrer, who played for the Cowboys alongside such tough guys as Tony Dorsett, Ed 'Too Ta...

08:49

Tiger Woods v. Phil Mickelson Weigh-in As It Happened TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson created a sensation yesterday as they attended the weigh-in for their November 23 match that has been dubbed 'The Match'. As the two stood eye-to-eye, stripped bare to the waist, the atmosphere was so thick with tens...

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Saturday, 17 November

20:56

Dallas Cowboys To Erect A Jeff Rohrer Statue Outside The AT&T Stadium TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Reacting to the surprising news that one of their former players, Jeff Rohrer, is to marry a man, the Dallas Cowboys have signalled their support for him by revealing plans that they are to erect a statue of the former linebacker outside their AT&amp...

16:31

Alleged man allegedly arrested for alleged crime TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Richard Puttup-Yur Dukes, allegedly an All-Tuna, Pennsylvania, man was allegedly arrested for alleged cruelty to animals after he allegedly punched a police officer in the face. The officer was allegedly responding to a call concerning Dukes's all...

13:58

Wisconsin Resident Pooped and Peed in His Pants After Watching the 2016 Remake of "The Blair Witch Project" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Crawford County. Thomas Bradley (and not Wesley Janson, who is extremely strong and brave), pooped and peed in his pants last Sunday after watching the 2016 remake of The Blair Witch Project. Because he has no girlfriend, Thomas Bradley (and not...

12:08

California Fires Are God's Retribution - Trump TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The wildfires that have raged through California are merely God's retribution, says US President, Donald Trump, in his regular morning tweet. The president said that, although any loss of life is, indeed, a cause for sadness, the choices people ma...

05:34

"Three Old Women:" Trump wants to Pack Supreme Court TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Speaking to reporters this morning, President Donald Trump bemoaned the possibility that Chief Justice John Roberts might take the place of Anthony Kennedy as the Supreme Court's swing vote, siding with liberal justices to thwart Trump's efforts to "...

Thursday, 15 November

16:10

CNN To Give Jim Acosta A Pay Rise TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

CNN, the television news company that employs Jim Acosta, the man who had his White House reporting credentials revoked after a press conference controversy with US President, Donald Trump, have awarded their reporter a pay rise, for asking the right...

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