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Wednesday, 18 July


Trump sells Alaska back to Russia for 50 percent profit Stubhill News

Trump announces $10 million deal with Russia.


Putin to Trump: Put Hillary In Jail Before Its Too Late Someones Bones

At yesterdays historic summit in Helsinki, Presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin held a public presser. They shook hands, smiled, exchanged jokes, and discussed North Korea, allegations of Russian meddling in American politics, fake news, and ways to make Earth safe and prosperous for all of humanity. That is what the public saw. During a private two-hour meeting, however, both men dropped their political facades and spoke candidly on a topic that would have further enraged the rabid democrats who had already labeled Trump a traitor for merely agreeing to meet his Russian counterpart.

Putin urged Trump to incarcerate Hillary Clinton before her wicked schemes push society to the brink of destruction, says a White House source who accompanied Trump home aboard Air Force One. Putin assured Trump his words were simply suggestions, not attempts to undermine or manipulate American politics.

But, Putin had ample reason to sound the alarm. Without elaborating on his methods, he said the Russian Federal Service Bureau had obtained a wealth of credible data implicating Clinton in a plot to not only depose Trump but also plunge the world into a nuclear holocaust. Russian intelligence had somehow obtained a Clinton email, purportedly sent to Barack Obama, saying a nuclear conflict with Russia would be great for America and good for the world. Supposedly, the document highlighted a plan using Americas nuclear triad in massive first strike that would cripple Russias ability to launch a counterattack.

According to our source, Trump initially laughed at Putins comment, but his laughter quickly subsided when he saw the deadpan serious expression on Putins face.

You must put Hillary Clinton in jail before its too late, Putin allegedly said.

Then Trump dropped a bombshell on Putin. The president said hed like to see Hillary locked up for life, but arresting her was beyond his purview. Shortly after sitting down for the first time in the Oval Office, Trump said he was told he could go after smaller fish but not Clinton. Hillary was not to be touched, our source said.

Putin sympathized with Trumps dilemma. He said the Ministry of Defense identified Clinton as one of five western Deep State players with sufficient resources an...


COUNTERPOINT: But His Mom Lets Him Do It The Hard Times

We are living in a golden age of suffering. My generation has filled too long the goblet of misery and now our cup runneth over. We contemptuous few, drunk on negligence, pacified by excess and our circus of artificiality, beg for an outlet on this freeway of malaise. So mom, when I want to take my dirt bike out to the marsh and do bitchin stunts, Im shocked SHOCKED that you said no when my friends mom totally said he was allowed to.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Let me put things into perspective for you. My friends mom works two jobs and comes home every day to his baby sister crying. When he asks his mom if he can go get some fresh air in the marsh, she totally says yes. Thats the American dream! We have a stable family and dont like in a trailer yet we cannot seem to achieve this. Those arent the values I was raised with. So when I come home from a long day of summer school, it is my God-given right to vape in the woods and do some cool dirt bike tricks with my best friend who doesnt have to have this argument every time he wants to leave the house.

What are you worried about anyway? You think were gonna buy cigarettes off of those college kids playing Magic: The Gathering on those tree stumps by the bike path? Because were not. But if we were, you should know my friend buys cigarettes all of the time for his mom using his dads old ID. You know what hes doing? Hes contributing to the economy. Creating a stronger nation. You ever heard of that? Or are you too busy cutting coupons and serving injustice for dinner every night? Huh, Mom?

Related: Only 90s Kids Remember Dad Smashing a Hole in the Wall with a Fax Machine


And yeah, maybe were going to tag that design my friend came up with on a few rocks. Who cares, mom!? Theyre just rocks. And have you seen that radical logo Kyle made? Its got flames AND lightning bolts. If anything were improving the real estate value of that creek. And I could do the same if you let me paint my room which is another thing that my friends mom is cool about.

You need to reconsider the system by which you allow people (me) to do things (radical stunts and listening to Korn in the woods) and reform your policies regarding permission (namely, your policy that I need it). Im sure there is some kind of discourse to be had here, but you manufactured a scenario where we cannot reach an agreement. Please allow yourself the opportunity to be as chill as my friends mom before you reject her parenting style completely. You will not regret it.

The post COUNTERPOINT: Bu...


For some reason people are really enjoying Susie Dents word of the day today The Poke

Its not unusual for Countdowns Susie Dent to share a word of the day, but they dont always get the attention this one generated.

Wonder why.







People have been busy owning Tim Farron after he missed a crucial Brexit vote The Poke

Former Lib Den leader Tim Farron has apologised after he managed to miss the votes on two government-backed amendments tabled by hardline Brexiters that passed with a majority of just three.

Farron wasnt alone in missing the vote on the amendments tabled by Jacob Rees-Moggs hardline European Research Group. His successor Vince Cable wasnt there either, despite the Lib Dems positioning themselves as the stop Brexit party.

Heres what Farron had to say for himself.

Farron was giving a talk in Dorset on how he squares his controversial views as an evangelical Christian with being a liberal politician.

Here are our favourite things people are saying about the pair online right now.




Elon Musk thanks Thai Navy SEALS for their support, as popularity of Tesla cars rocket NewsBiscuit

Billionaire tech genius and all-round great guy Elon Musk has thanked the Thai Navy SEALS and the worldwide expert diving community for their support following his recent daring rescue of the Wild Boars youth football team.  A very private man, it only became apparent Musk was leading the rescue when he inadvertently splodged it all over Instagram and Twitter to his 382 million followers.

Very little is known about Musk due to his crippling modesty, but he did grab headlines recently when he accidentally launched his car into space. Now that was embarrassing, the police were looking for it for days he said, but Ive definitely redeemed myself in Thailand.

The news comes on the same day that corporate thought-jizz journal Aspiring Executive has suggested that Musks Tesla cars are gaining popularity in company car parks across the UK particularly in the highly competitive young vectoring alphas marketing demographic. Serial over-achiever Lee is only 26, works in financial services and already manages an elite team of three responsible for Credit Card marketing to the unemployed in East Anglia. The job itself is hugely rewarding, but Lee also enjoys a full benefits package from his employer which includes a monthly car allowance of 289 and thats excluding VAT yeh.

Lee feels he identifies very strongly with Tesla founder Elon Musk proudly nodding Were both winners yeh? I used to love Audis cos yeh they had those fancy arse LED day running lights yeh that dazzled people and yeh like screamed oi, move over, a champ is behind you yeh? but now every car has them yeh, even my mums Motability Honda Jazz.

Tesla launches its new midsized sporting coupsaloon later this year, with the name of the new model being kept a close secret. Tesla has indicated the name will be a fusion of the company founders persona with one of his greatest achievements. I hear its called the KnobRocket exclaims Lee enthusiastically: that would seal the deal for me yeh!



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Tuesday, 17 July


Gamer Emotionally Connected With Video Game Story Wishes He Didnt Jokingly Name Character AssFace The Hard Times

DULUTH, Ga. Gamer Aaron Hughes found himself openly weeping over a character he had named AssFace at the start of his first ever Final Fantasy 7 playthrough.

I was playing this kinda half ironically. I named the blonde guy PoopyButt, which is hilarious and then there was this girl character that I named AssFace, Hughes explained, wiping tears away. But when, spoiler alert, Sephiroth kills her, I was screaming, AssFace no!

Over the course of the game, I feel like AssFace and PoopyButt, along with Fuck, became some of my closest friends, Hughes added.

Read More From Hard DriveReclusive Arcade Gaming Legend AAA Returns to Face Rival ASS

Hughes stated that he had no idea the game would give him the feels, and confirmed that he found it funny when someone said, Whats up, PoopyButt? He also expressed regret in naming other characters: Yeezus, SlickNuts, [Expletive] [Expletive], UberSkank, Thrillhouse, and Fuck.

I thought it would be hilarious, but then I came to really care about what happened to SlickNuts and the gang. I almost want to start over but I already logged thirty hours of gameplay and I am not about to start again.

Several local gamers reported that this isnt the first time Hughes grew emotionally attached to one of his characters. According to those close to him, Hughes refused to play Dragon Age: Inquisition after creating his character Rick Roll because he didnt want anything bad to happen to him.

He once spent three hours creating a character for Fallout 4 only to name it PEN15, friend Joshua Carter said. Im sure when Fallout 76 comes out he is going to name his character Ken Bone or Stinkfinger or something stupid like that. Its like hes afraid to have a real emotional connection with a video game character from the get go. Or he just has a very gross sense of humor.

While Hughes claimed to have learned his lesson, friends have stated that upon starting The Legend Of Zelda: Ocinara Of Time, he immediately changed Lin...


Cops Support Local Scene by Showing Up Before First Band The Hard Times

MISSOULA, Mont. Uniformed Missoula Police officers David McClusky and Gerald Schmidt arrived 15 minutes before the opening act at the unlicensed venue The Gnarhouse on Thursday in a heartwarming show of support for their local punk scene, witnesses confirmed.

My crew has been down with the bands on tonights show for the last five years or so. These guys are local legends. We cant stress enough how much we love this scene, said Officer McClusky, confiscating a 24-pack of beer. Were not only here for the music, but also for all the dudes in the community.

As audience members trickled in, many had positive things to say about the officers presence at the show. Emphasizing how down for the scene they were, showgoer Brendan Anderson recalled a time when Ofc. Schmidt bought him a 40-oz. Budweiser before he was old enough to buy it himself.

He was real cool about it told me not to worry, and that hed let me know when he needed something in return later, said Anderson, who celebrated his 21st birthday last week. Im not exactly sure what that means but hes a police officer, so it probably will just be, like, helping out with community service, or something like that.


However, Ashley Simmons, the leaseholder for the Gnarhouse, stressed that the police are not a welcome presence.

Those guys go way too hard in the pit. I saw McClusky throw some kid through a wall last week, Simmons said, between nervous puffs on a cigarette. Theyre the types of dudes that start crowd-killing before the band even starts paying. Schmidt nearly blew some kids fingers off last month when he was throwing fireworks all over the place during a show. I never thought Id say this, but I kinda hope the Staties show up.

Shortly after Shit Filth, the openers for the night, began their set, fire marshals shut down the show, citing occupancy limits and safety hazards.

Those fire guys are such fucking dweebs, said Ofc. McClusky from his squad car. Hardcore shows are the only place we can blow off some steam without having to worry about someone posting it online. The show is moving over the Attic down on 5th ave., so were going to head over there and smash some heads.

Photo by Kyle Erf ...


Piers Morgan seizes power and establishes his own TV channel NewsBiscuit

Breakfast broadcaster and GMBs biggest anchor, Piers Morgan, has seized power at ITV Studios and established a new channel called Morgan TV which will broadcast nothing but programmes featuring the puffed-up windbag every evening for ten hours.

In a video loop on the channels website, Morgan says tonights grand opening schedule (available on Sky on 1543) will consist of his two hard-hitting GMB Donald Trump interviews followed by the entire 2008 series of Celebrity Apprentice USA that he won.

Speaking later to press at a glitzy launch party he said: The nation wants this. They love me and my brand of incisive interviewing. I can get right to the nitty-gritty with everyone. Did you see me aboard Airforce One with Mr Trump on GMB? Wasnt I just brilliant? Donald was eating out of the palm of my hand. To be honest wed still be recording more great stuff now only I had to wrap things up. Wow! How great am I?

Every other broadcast  and newspaper journalist in the country was gutted that I got the scoop. Thats sad, real sad, but its down to my incredible journalistic instinct, along with my amazing willingness to lick Trumps arse all day long. Im just so a-bloody-mazing that I cant believe it myself. You know, if I could somehow manage it, Id never get anything done as Id likely be trying to shag myself f*cking stupid all day long.

When asked for her thoughts on the development, Morgans co-host on Good Morning Britain, Susanna Reid, said: He hasnt shut up about Airforce One all day. Its just so tedious. But as I said to Charlotte (Hawkins) Orifice One more like.


Tory MPs brutal Brexit speech went viral because shes doing Jeremy Corbyns job for him The Poke

Heres Conservative MP Anna Soubry telling it like it is on Brexit and its 66 seconds very well spent.

It went viral because it was remarkable for lots of reasons.







17 things that are just wrong enough to really get on your nerves The Poke

There are two kinds of people in the world those who have to straighten a crooked picture, and terrible people. If youre one of the former, these 17 pictures will push your blood pressure into the red zone.

Youve been warned.

1. Badly opened packaging


2. The missing jigsaw piece


3. Incorrectly placed headphones


4. Inexplicable cake-cutting technique


5. Monstrous abuse of the bubble-pack system



A Welsh MP no-ones heard of resigned and these 12 responses say what were all thinking The Poke

Thereve been several resignations from government positions in recent weeks, some high-profile, such as Boris Johnson, and others quite obscure, like Chris Green.

The latest resignation was that of Welsh MP, Guto Bebb.

Not only did people not know who he was, the non-Welsh community also struggled with his traditional name and suspected he might be fictional.







Mike Pence ignored advice not to go outside on the S Korean border and the reason is brilliant The Poke

Mike Pence ignored officials advice not to go outside when he visited South Koreas border with North Korea and the reason he gave is just brilliant.

Heres the so-called Vice President on the border between the two countries.

Yep, hes definitely stepped outside alright. And this is why, as shared by Simon Maloy.

And you can see it in his eyes. He really did give it the full Mike Pence.

Look close enough and you can see the laser beams.


These responses made it even better.



Dusty Admits Hes Too Scared To Go Out To Restaurants In Melbourne The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A tatted up, Brownlow medal-winning bad boy from Campbelltown has today thrown his support behind Prime Minister Turnbulls claims that Melbourne is too scary to go out in. Speaking from behind the deadlocked security screen at his Richmond residence, Dustin Martin told reporters that the actions of roughly 150 African juvenile delinquents has []

The post Dusty Admits Hes Too Scared To Go Out To Restaurants In Melbourne appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


People cant help but feel the Daily Mail might have missed a story today The Poke

Heres todays Daily Mail front page and people couldnt help but wonder if it was missing something.

But what, exactly?








Richard Dawkins talking bells got exactly the responses he deserved The Poke

Non-god botherer Richard Dawkins was enjoying a lovely summers day when he thought hed do this.

And if it was a reaction he wanted (of course it was a reaction he wanted) then thats exactly what he got. Here are our favourite 17 responses online






EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English NewsBiscuit

The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesnt speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.

The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations.  Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three oclock.

Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.

We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU he told reporters. Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say Ce nest pas possible. And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say Je ne comprends pas!

In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.



$150bn man Jeff Bezos is the richest person ever and this is how people are getting their heads round it The Poke

Amazon founder and CEO, Jeff Bezos, has been confirmed as the richest man in modern history, with a personal fortune in excess of $150 billion excess being the key word here.

Some of these responses will make you feel better (honest). But some of them, well, have a read for yourself.






Brisbane Still Not Sure If It Can Be Fucked To Do Something About The Skate Rink The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Despite dragging the chain for nearly 20 odd years, it was announced that Brisbane city council have maybe approved a Development Proposal for Red Hill Skate Rink in the inner city suburb best known for housing Waynes Broncos. The DA was put in by a cinema group who wanted to redevelop the site []

The post Brisbane Still Not Sure If It Can Be Fucked To Do Something About The Skate Rink appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


This might be the most terrifying Tinder profile youll ever see The Poke

Dating sites can be a great way to find a partner if you use them well. Getting your profile right is the key to success its crucial to have an honest but flattering photo, enough personal info to intrigue without boring, and not to look like you want to harvest anyones organs.

This profile slips up on just one of those points.

In case you cant quite believe your eyes (which are probably also on her wish list), the profile says:

I am looking for a lifetime partner who is really hardworking, humble, HEALTHY and trustworthy. He must have both lungs and kidneys, heart with a sinus rhythm.
Non-smoker and occasional drinker is fine, or do not take any substance that could damage the liver.

It doesnt help that she describes herself as a registered nurse, therefore giving her the anatomical knowledge to locate those sweet valuable organs as you sleep.

The terrifying profile was shared on Twitter by someone called @gokunaruto2000 (who since appears to have deleted their tweet) with a very reasonable observation.

Understandably, people found it somewhat disturbing.


Sasha Baron Cohen Tricks Most Of Australia Into Thinking His New Show Is On Netflix The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Where the fuck is it? he wrote. Theres no Sacha Baron Cohen movies on here. Do you have a torrent? Nobody on Darcy Pegmanns group chat had a torrent because piracy is bad and only people who download cars do it but one friend did offer to point him in the right direction. []

The post Sasha Baron Cohen Tricks Most Of Australia Into Thinking His New Show Is On Netflix appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


The Queen trolled Donald Trump with her brooch and its the best thing youll read today The Poke

Donald Trump made the Queen wait 10 minutes and when he did finally turn up he ignored her.

But guess what? Queen wins. And this is why, probably the most thrilling thread youll read this week.







Usain Bolt Spotted At Kincumber Maccas With His New 93 Toyota Hilux Flat Tray The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Tuesdays announcement that Usain Bolt will be joining the A-League has been met with excitement from north of Sydney to south of Lake Macquarie as the worlds fastest man confirms he has signed with the Central Coast Mariners. Bolt had long expressed a desire to play professional football, but has not been able to make that []

The post Usain Bolt Spotted At Kincumber Maccas With His New 93 Toyota Hilux Flat Tray appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Putin Tells Mates Over A Few Squat Beers That He Almost Feels Bad For America The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Just days after meeting with US President Donald Trump in Helskini, Vladimir Putin has taken some time off to relax with friends this afternoon on the banks of the mighty Myoka River in St Petersberg. Witnesses say the Russian President picked up half a box of local lager from a nearby chemist, changed []

The post Putin Tells Mates Over A Few Squat Beers That He Almost Feels Bad For America appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Michael Gove said this about Vote Leave and these are the only 11 replies you need The Poke

Heres chief Brexit cheerleader Michael Gove admitting that the Leave campaign should not have stoked fears about Turkish immigration during the 2016 referendum campaign.

The Tory minister, one of the mouthpieces of the Vote Leave campaign said it would have had a slightly different feel without it, reports the Guardian.

You dont say.

And heres what everyone else had to say about him.







People are comparing irritating domestic appliances after Lauren Laverne said this The Poke

Lauren Lavernes had just about as much of her dishwasher as she can handle right now.

And it turns out shes not alone. Us too, frankly. And here are our favourite responses online.









Local Bong Heads Flatmate Uncovers Hidden Cache Of Long-Lost Scissors The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Not a unique problem but problematic none-the-less. A cache of long-forgotten household scissors has been found close to where a resident of a Betoota Heights sharehouse keeps his bong and other drug paraphernalia. Speaking exclusively to The Advocate about the discovery, Duncan Boyd (the housemate who claims to have []

The post Local Bong Heads Flatmate Uncovers Hidden Cache Of Long-Lost Scissors appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Trumps Meeting With Putin Just A Chance For Everyone To Use The Word Meddled The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Following the vaguely confirmed rumours that Russia might have interfered with the 2016 Presidential election, journalists around the country are relishing in the chance to use their new favourite word EDIT** Following the vaguely confirmed rumours that Russia might have MEDDLED with the 2016 Presidential election, journalists around the country are relishing in []

The post Trumps Meeting With Putin Just A Chance For Everyone To Use The Word Meddled appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Melbournes African Teenagers Blamed For Crippling Drought In Western New South Wales The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Ahead of four or five upcoming by-elections and a possible full-blown election in the next eighteen months, Melbournes small percentage African-Australian juvenile delinquents have been dragged back into the headlines by Liberal MPs who have otherwise forgotten how to bring about an emotional response from voters. As of Monday, towns from Tamworth to []

The post Melbournes African Teenagers Blamed For Crippling Drought In Western New South Wales appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Its School Holidays Says Moron In Need Of Something To Blame Their Lateness On The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Gregor Redpath is one of the leading examples of why the media and old people have it in for Millennials. He has no savings. Most of the time, especially in the seven days following payday, the 24-year-old lives beyond his means. When he cracks his iPhone screen, he just AfterPays another one. He []

The post Its School Holidays Says Moron In Need Of Something To Blame Their Lateness On appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


New Tesla Fitted With Road Rage Feature That Shouts Pedo At Motorists When It Gets Cut Off The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact The Tesla Model 3 for the first time is open for sale to all car buyers in Australia/Pacific with a few new features Customers can now buy a Model 3 and expect delivery in one to three months, according to Tesla. The car is Elon Musks attempt to make an affordable sedan []

The post New Tesla Fitted With Road Rage Feature That Shouts Pedo At Motorists When It Gets Cut Off appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


May boasts: Trump told me to sh*g my own daughter NewsBiscuit

In a series of elaborate dares, President Trump has not only insisted that the Prime Minister sues the EU, but that she also does a striptease for whole twenty seconds and swallows a goldfish. Not wanting to lose face, Mrs May has agreed eat dog food, do 100 push-ups and make an obscene phone call to Michel Barnier.

When she pointed out that she had no children, Trump became despondent, claiming that if Mrs May wanted to join his cool gang she should smell the feet of everyone in the room. Mr. Trump made it clear that she needed to drink a whole keg of beer before she could wear one of the NATO-themed togas he had had made.

Desperate to appease her new boyfriend, the Prime Minister said she would agree to smoke a cigarette and go to third base, but only if it led to a preferential trade agreement. Mrs May further agreed for Mr. Trump draw genitals on her face with permanent marker although which of the Cabinet it resembled most, she would not say.

Friends of Mrs May expressed concern that she would jump off a cliff if he told her, but the electorate were told not to get their hopes up. As her pice de rsistance Mrs May, on request, completed the Condom Challenge whereby she forced a condom into a nostril, snorting it back into her throat and back out her mouth; which she boasted was easier than Brexit.


Winner Of US Election Meets With Donald Trump In Helsinki The Shovel

trump putin

The winner of the 2016 US Presidential election took time out from his busy schedule to meet with Donald Trump in Helsinki today.

The Russian man who has since handed the day-to-day running of the US to Mr Trump said it was a chance to discuss the progress of the Russian outpost and to remind Trump of the incriminating video footage he holds of him weeing on a group of prostitutes.

Trump told journalists it was time for both men to talk in depth about our bilateral ties and what kind of social media strategies the Russians have planned to get me across the line again in 2020.

Mr Trump denied he was a puppet, but said that if he were a puppet he would be the best puppet the world has ever seen.

Ben Debney 


The Queen Recommends Trump Take A Driving Tour Of Paris

Donald Trump fresh off his visit to Buckingham palace to meet the Queen has spoken of his fondness for the Monarch and how welcoming Her Majesty was.

What a great person, wonderful to chat with. We talked about politics, corgis, me of course and she also had some travel advice. Telling me I simply must visit Paris and drive around, said the President. She even gave me a hand drawn map that included a short cut through a tunnel to help beat the traffic.

What a thoughtful thing to do.

When reached for comment a Spokesperson for the Queen said of the visit: The Palace does not reveal what conversations her Majesty has with World leaders.

However we will say that from time to time Her Majesty does discuss things like travel and she is quite fond of Paris. She often says its a city that seems to make all her troubles go away.

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or lik...


See, Republicans Do Compromise! We Have Our First Compromised President Daily Discord

Its nice to see the president get a break from this whole Russia collusion thing, so he can collude with Russia. President Donald J Trump alone in a room with a former KGB agent? What a disgrace. Maybe we will find out the truth about todays summit someday from the Kremlin. But, hey, at least Trumps latest tweet barrage


Russian Defense Minister: Anunnaki Not Contained Someones Bones

On Friday, Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu told a cadre of Russian military brass rumors of Anunnaki containment or exodus were untrue and that isolated skirmishes with extraterrestrial insurgents could escalate to a theater wide military confrontation unless regional commanders identify and destroy incursions as they happen, says a source familiar with the situation.

During the hour-long session, Shoygu dispelled a rumor, likely propagated by the Anunnaki, that the malicious race of extraterrestrials had grown tired of fighting humans and had therefore abandoned Earth in favor of another planet to plunder.  He said the Anunnaki are experts at manipulation and have insidiously insinuated themselves into all aspects of human affairs.

The Anunnaki have  a legion of human sympathizers they use to do their bidding, our source said. The Anunnaki promise their humans magnificent rewards, but of course they never deliver. These people are willing slaves to the Anunnaki. One of their biggest lies is they are the progenitors of humanity. The truth is they seek our destruction or enslavement. But they are concerned because advancements in Russian technology and anti-Anunnaki tactics have thwarted numerous incursion attempts. Thats why theyre trying to trick Putin into believing humans no longer hold their interest. At Putins request, Shoygu reminded his people the Anunnaki remain a grave threat to Russian security.

Moreover, Shoygu said any Russian caught harboring, or associating with, an Anunnaki would be charged with aiding and abetting the enemy and declared a traitor to the Motherland. He admitted, however, that Special Services recently noticed a significant decrease in Anunnaki sightings, particularly in known hotspots such as Yemen, Afghanistan, Syria, and the Ukraine. Shoygu said the Anunnakis apparent absence is merely a ploy to lull Putin into a false sense of security, while the villainous creatures target less sophisticated locations, like the disease-str...


Bullshit: Someone Filled This Awesome Skate Bowl With Water The Hard Times

Recently, the Hard Style skate crew discovered a badass public skate bowl tucked away in a private residential backyard. The bowl had some of the most gnarly hips and corners weve ever seen, plus it was real easy to get to. You just hop five fences, run past a super-aggressive rottweiler, then use bolt cutters to rip open a chain link fence. It was a summer paradise. Our Xanadu. But sadly, it was not meant to be, because soon after the bowl was poured and cured, some jackass filled it with gallons of chlorinated water.

Its the most puzzling, X-Files-level shit any of us had ever seen. Why would someone fill a skate bowl with water? Why the inflatable whale? And now what do we do for the rest of the summer? It was a mystery for the ages. But with questions abound, Hard Style was determined to find the truth.

We began our investigation in the place you might least expect the house of the backyard where the skate bowl is located. But after 30 seconds of intense knocking on the front door, our crack team of reporters determined that no one was home.

Dead end.

Our next logical move was to give up completely, which we did. For like, three weeks. But then we hit a major break in the case. Our friend Tommy said we should try knocking again. It was just crazy enough to work.

This time someone answered the door. And as our transcribed conversation below demonstrates, we were steadfast in our thirst for answers:

Old Man: Hello?
Hard Style: Hey bro, like, what the hell?
Dumb Fuck Geezer: Huh?
Hard Style: Our skate bowl, bro. Whats up with the aqua, dude, seriously?
Decrepit Dipshit: Huh?

Related: Report: Mark Learned to Kickflip While You Were At Summer Camp


After much confusion, Hard Style and the old man reached a tenuous agreement in which us nice kids were granted permission to use the bowl whenever we felt like it. But just when our summer seemed saved, the geezer flips his lid one night cause we completely drained the pool. How are we supposed to skate if its full of water, bro? It probably didnt help that Mikey M. took a dump in the cabana, but thats no excuse for being an anti-skateboarding buzzkill.

Worst of all, we never did find out why the old man loved that water so much, or why he kept it in his skate bowl. But perhaps some mysteries are better left unsolved.

The post Bullshit: Someone Filled This Awesome Skate Bowl With Water appeared first on The Hard Times.


Favourite 23 responses to Donald Trumps extraordinary Vladimir Putin press conference The Poke

Donald Trumps just held an extraordinary press conference in Helsinki alongside Vladimir Putin following a one-on-one meeting and working lunch with the Russian president.

And that wasnt even the half of it. Here are our favourite 23 responses right now, some of them serious others less so.






Few things are more terrifying than Donald Trump in his own words The Poke

Donald Trump has left the UK but the stench (metaphorical, you understand) remains. Like this, taken from the so-called presidents interview with Piers Morgan aboard Air Force One.

It went viral because, well, have a read for yourself.

Here are some of our favourite responses online as we try to make sense of it all. Or some of it. Well settle for anything right now.








Just a bunch of Americans backing giving guns to toddlers Sacha Baron Cohens new show looks good The Poke

Sacha Baron Cohens new show Who Is America looks good if this clip is anything to go by.

Its on Channel 4 on Monday night.


Steve Bannon was on Nigel Farages LBC show but it was his off-air comment that got the attention The Poke

Former Donald Trump advisor and the generally all-round loathsome Steve Bannon was a guest on Nigel Farages LBC show.

Bannon said, among other things, that the jailed far-right activist Tommy Robinson should be released from jail, saying the EDL founder wasnt a bad guy.

But it was his off-air comment, shared by the stations political editor, that really caught peoples attention.

Didnt tell you anything you didnt know about the man but still, good to see it aired in public.

Heres what people made of it online.


7 devastating Twitter comebacks that will make your day better The Poke

If only life always worked out like this. Someone called @Saltinmytea collected 4 of the most devastating comebacks on Twitter and then people joined in by sharing their own favourites.






Monster Hunter: World Endgame Content Gated Behind Need to Work, Sleep The Hard Times

CHICAGO Players of the online video game Monster Hunter: World are reporting that the titles endgame content is locked behind a steep obstacle: the need for players to work and sleep.

Its bad enough that I have to spend all day farming money in some cubicle instance, but if I try to leave the instance to do something else I always aggro this high-level NPC that spits out some flavor text about my shift not being over yet. Then when I finish that, theres no way to fast travel back to my home base despite the fact Ive already visited that location a bunch of times, high-ranking player Max Oberhart said.

When I get done slogging across the overworld because the goddamn NPCs in this game dont know how to fucking drive, I still have a bunch of mandatory daily missions, like showering and masturbating, left before I can actually focus on the endgame, Oberhart explained to reporters. Even smaller ongoing missions like gathering ingredients, crafting foods, and eating multiple times a day really pad out the time you have to invest to get anywhere. And dont get me started about the mandatory sleep mission. Im wasting 8 hours of time that I could be spending doing something else.

I mean, what was Capcom thinking including all this?

Read More From Hard DriveMan Comes to Haunting Realization He is NPC

Some especially enterprising players are trying to speedrun to the endgame content by skipping the sleep and work missions, but veterans of the Monster Hunter series warn that the sleep deprivation and bank overdraft debuffs will make the endgame essentially unplayable.

Yeah, I tried to sequence break all the sleep stuff back in [Monster Hunter] 4 Ultimate, long-time fan of the series RathalosSlayr offered in the games general chat. I tried to cram all the sleep missions in on weekends so I could spend more time grinding on weeknights, but between the stack of vision debuffs and burning through so many energy drink consumables, it just wasnt a sustainable practice and I ended up throwing my whole flowchart out.

When reached for comment, Monster Hunter: World Director Yuya Tokuda said his hands were tied.

Im sympathetic to the players...


Wayne Rooney described by his new American football team is beyond parody The Poke

For American, er, soccer fans not familiar with Wayne Rooney his new American football team, DC United, introduced him in the clubs programme this weekend.

Although, having read it, were not sure its going to help very much.

And no, its not a spoof written by USA Soccer Guy. Just in case thats difficult to read, here it is again.

A versatile forward capable of playing striker and midfielder, Rooneys greatest asset is his powerful right leg he has scored more than 200 career goals with his right leg thanks to his strong striking ability matched only by his pinpoint accuracy.

The five time English champion also adds a touch of creativity on the pitch as his improvisation shows in both goalscoring and creating opportunities for teammates. As a change of pace to unleashing his heavy shot, Rooney has also been known to deceive goalkeepers by finessing shots across the goal line.

Rooney is also adept at playing long balls into space which affords his team mates the opportunity to apply heavy pressure in the final third. When playing around the box, Rooney has the tendency to cut inside and penetrate gaps to collapse defences.

Then with the defensive attention that the prolific goalscorer attracts, teammates are given the opportunity to make trailing runs for quick shots on net when Rooney lays off the ball.

No wonder the poor lad looks confused.



Tempur tantrums in SW19 as Storm Serena sweeps through NewsBiscuit

There were extraordinary scenes today at the start of the Wimbledon Ladies Singles Final when an argument broke out between finalists Serena Williams and Angelique Kerber.

The disagreement started when Serena walked out onto Centre Court followed by four ball boys carrying a double divan bed which they placed adjacent to the Umpires chair after having first removed the standard competitors chair.

Kerber immediately raised an objection and there followed a heated discussion between both women and tournament officials. It seems that Serena, who currently appears in TV ads for, Tempur mattresses, wanted to have a one minute lie-down between games instead of the usual sit down, and argued, for contractual reasons and because she is a working and often tired Mom, she can only do this on a Tempur mattress.

However the casting vote was given to the Tournament Director who told Williams that she would forfeit the match if she continued to recline on the mattress, leaving the all-time-great no alternative but to have the bed removed.

In what then became a somewhat tense match Serena was defeated, but at the press conference afterwards told reporters: Im not happy about what happened today and I give Wimbledon organisers and tournament officials warning that I will not be taking their decision lying down.

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Monday, 16 July


Theres a schoolboy error in this NatWest advert but not everyone was having it The Poke

This NatWest advert isnt half as clever as it thinks, as pointed out by Tom Holland.

Hes got a point. Hasnt he? Not everyone was so sure. This is how the conversation went on Twitter.







Frontman with Tinnitus Legitimately Cant Hear if Crowd is Ready to Rock The Hard Times

MADISON, Wis. Audience members watching n-metal band Dizguzt last night slowly realized that frontman Colin Greene genuinely couldnt hear their confirmation that they were ready to rock, sources with voices hoarse from yelling confirmed.

You know, at first, I felt guilty for not cheering loud enough. I personally came ready to rock, but I didnt feel comfortable speaking for everyone elses ability to rock or roll, for that matter, said audience member Katie Sullivan. Then, after, like, the fifth time of him telling us he cant hear us, I realized he actually couldnt hear us. People were getting desperate; the guy next to me started trying to tell him we were ready through sign language. Someone was doing smoke signals or they were just vaping. Im not sure.

Witnesses confirmed that ready-to-rock audience members used increasingly creative tactics to inform Greene the show could continue.

Everyone was pretty ready to rock after 10 minutes of him shouting out and dedicating random people, said fellow attendee Seth Sherman. Wed stretched, barricaded the windows, ran the necessary drills for overly enthusiastic drunk dudes in the pit but still, it seemed like the show was going nowhere. A couple of us used lipstick on a poster board to make a sign and let him know everyone was pro-rock.


Dizgust bass player Danny Brooks later explained that, unfortunately, Greenes hearing issues go further than audience reaction.

Oh, this is far from the only problem we have. Every show, he complains to the sound guy about a high-pitched ringing coming through his monitor, said Brooks. There was even a fire at our hotel one time, but he didnt hear the fire alarm, and I ended up having to drag him out of the room. I got some pretty bad burns on my feet and hands, and he still refuses to accept reality.

For his part, Greene insisted that his inability to communicate with the audience isnt entirely on him.

Trying to gauge the emotions of thousands of people at a time is very difficult, yelled Greene privately. For example, we ask how everyones doing tonight, and they just say, woo. That doesnt even remotely tell me how theyre doing ton...


Favourite 15 captions for Vladimir Putin and his big black brolly at the World Cup The Poke

There were plenty of memorable images from the World Cup but even after the last ball had been kicked there was another to come and were not talking about the French team holding the trophy.

It was Vladimir Putin and his big black brolly.

While everyone else got soaked during the presentation ceremony it was a case of Im alright, Vlad for the Russian president It generated no shortage of comment online and here are our favourite 14 captions.






BBCs This Week joked that Nigel Farage isnt on TV enough the 17 most cutting replies The Poke

BBC current affairs show, This Week, has often been criticised for the frequent publicity opportunities it offers to the more right-wing members of the political Rent-A-Gob gang, particularly Nigel Farage. However, they recently thought it would be funny to tweet this:

Needless to say, the response was swift and strong.






A Trump-loving TV presenter said this and the NSFW replies were exactly what he deserved The Poke

Heres American TV presenter Nicholas J. Fuentes, host of must-watch show America First, who unwisely shared his seriously outdated opinion on Twitter.

Surprisingly, perhaps, it was shared the thick end of 2,000 times on Twitter.

More reassuringly it prompted more than 10,000 replies, most of which were along the line of these, our 16 very favourites.







Andy Murray turns down News Anchor offer to focus on tennis NewsBiscuit

The BBC has confirmed it has offered Andy Murray a lucrative contract to anchor its flagship nightly Ten OClock News programme.

The move follows Murrays acclaimed debut as Wimbledon pundit earlier this week, his performance requiring Sue Barker to be resuscitated from the giggles three times live on air.

BBC bigwigs moved fast after quickly identifying the three-times Grand Slam champs mix of self-deprecating dry humour combined with his trademark dour Scots delivery would be an ideal replacement for the overly-jovial Huw Edwards.

However, Murray has turned down the offer, feeling that he is slightly better at tennis.

The offer has incensed fellow pundit Tim Henman, who has had his eye on ousting Edwards for some time but has been overlooked by BBC bosses due to his tendency to slip into foul-mouthed abuse during live broadcasts.

During his fag-break at Wimbledon, Henman ranted Unbe-f**king-lievable! The big jock oaf couldnt even be arsed to wear a tie, classless pr*ck!.



Elon Musk called a British diver a pedo and this guy was so owned its painful The Poke

Elon Musk has caused outrage after calling one of the British divers who helped rescue 12 kids from a Thailand cave a pedo.

The billionaire space litterer made the comments on Twitter after the diver, Vernon Unsworth, said in an interview that the mini-sub Musk sent to the cave was of no use and had absolutely no chance of working.

In response, Musk said sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it and when challenged about the comment replied Bet ya a signed dollar its true.

Musks accusation was presented without evidence or context and no evidence has emerged to substantiate his claim of pedophilia.

He has since deleted the tweets but some people online were still saying Musk had every right to say it.

Like this person, for instance, in an exchange with Emma Kennedy on Twitter that ends every bit as satisfyingly as youd hope.






This conversation overheard on the Newport to London Megabus is hilariously surreal The Poke

When stand-up comedian Ignacio Lopez boarded the Megabus at Newport to head to London, he probably expected a straightforward journey, listening to a bit of music, tweaking his act, eating his sandwiches too early the usual stuff. What he got was a sideshow, provided by one group of passengers.

Luckily for us, he shared the whole thing.

They started with some pretty random statements.

They then turned their attention to the journey.


Piers Morgan interviewed Donald Trump and these 26 responses are as scathing as youd hope The Poke

Donald Trump only gave two interviews during his visit to the UK, one to the Sun and the other aboard Air Force One to Piers Morgan. Coincidentally, two of the outlets most likely to look favourably on him. The reactions have been every bit as scathing as youd expect.









Favourite 14 times this Tommy Robinson supporter was owned after she pretended this happened The Poke

Heres someone called Rebbecca Robertson whos a big fan of Tommy Robinson (and Donald Trump) sharing a picture of a pro-Robinson protest march in London at the weekend.

And lots of attention it got too. Except, er, as these 14 people pointed out to the self-styled online political activist, something wasnt quite right





Teen begs parents to stop using emojis NewsBiscuit

A teenager from London has pleaded with her parents to stop using emojis. 15 year-old Katy Smith has threatened legal action if she receives one more flying dolphin or monkey covering his eyes.  Actual grown-ups with jobs and mortgages should not be sending wink faces, balloons or slices of pizza, the daughter said, after explaining to her mother that emoticon selection was a demanding discipline.

When adults attempt to use emojis, she continued, the irony is not quite there, because the trying is so painfully evident. Their use of martini glasses, ghosts and avocados is a little too self-conscious, a little too pleased with itself. My father has lost the ability to attempt any nuance of tone using words.

Digital image experts have warned that adults use emojis too literally, and can spend up to 10 hours each day browsing for the most relevant icon. In one extreme case, a 42 year-old father went without food or sleep for 3 days before selecting a purple devil with horns. My parents are trying to adopt a language which is not their own, concluded Katy.  The effect can be quite chilling. It was fine when it used to be the occasional smiley face, but now it has escalated to a pile of poo with eyes.




Richard Bacons back and these are our 13 favourite things people are telling him right now The Poke

Richard Bacon was back talking today after six days in a medically induced coma for a mystery lung condition.

And here he is giving a tiny insight into whats been going on.


People have been putting cats in Jurassic Park instead of dinosaurs and it could be the greatest spin-off ever The Poke

Someone called @nvrmnd_nirvana was trying to research the Jurassic Park cast, but accidentally found something far better Jurassic Park stills, with cats.

And here they are.

As good as these are, they werent the only Jurassic Cats pictures out there.


Local Intellectual Says Hence The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local Real Estate Agent has put her intellectual prowess on full display today by using a relatively uncommon word in conversation. The Residential Leasing Agent at Ray Hooker in Betootas CBD dropped the word hence into the conversation while taking a couple through a house inspection. Alice Woodburn (32) was walking []

The post Local Intellectual Says Hence appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


New DIY Swing King To Ship With Sandpaper, Lip Balm And Vial Of Wasim Akrams Sweat The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In an attempt to make the next generation of Australian cricketers have a competitive edge, backyard favourite Swing King have announced plans to introduce a DIY Swing King to the market this spring. The Swing King Pack ships with a replica yellow sandpaper sheet, a stick of Watermelon Splash []

The post New DIY Swing King To Ship With Sandpaper, Lip Balm And Vial Of Wasim Akrams Sweat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Sajid Javid tweeted the word I and everyone tried to finish his sentence our favourite 19 suggestions The Poke

Home Secretary Sajid Javid had a bit of an Ed Balls moment on Sunday morning, when he tweeted the solitary word I. People decided to have a stab at finishing his sentence for him.

This is the tweet that started it.

And these are our 19 favourite reactions.








This RAF veterans takedown of a Trump supporter is the most satisfying thing youll read this week The Poke

Theres a 95-year-old chap called Harry Leslie Smith on Twitter and this is why you shouldnt mess with him.

It started when he tweeted in support of people protesting at the visit of Donald Trump.

Then someone called @larryf replied. Larry is a big fan of #MAGA, the NRA, and thinks Liberals are trying to destroy the USA.

And this was Harrys perfect reply.




Latent Misogynists Eyes Set To Remain Glazed Over Until Its His Turn To Speak Again The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Relationships | Contact A prominent Betoota Grove fuck boy from a well-heeled fuck family has spoken this afternoon of his plan to keep his eyes glazed over until the next small lull in conversation affords him the opportunity to pick up where he was so rudely interrupted. Peter Debonaire, a 28-year-old Betootacone Valley fintech youngtrepreneur, found []

The post Latent Misogynists Eyes Set To Remain Glazed Over Until Its His Turn To Speak Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Baby Boomers Prepared To Vote For Pauline If Slight Dip In House Prices Isnt Corrected Immediately The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Prominent post-war land bankers, Deborah and Peter Mcguire (both 67), have today declared that they protect their unsustainable nest egg by any means necessary. This comes after the news that only half the properties that went to auction in Sydney and Melbourne on the weekend found buyers, as the hysterical Australian property market []

The post Baby Boomers Prepared To Vote For Pauline If Slight Dip In House Prices Isnt Corrected Immediately appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Optus Tentatively Puts Hat In Ring To Stream The 2019 Rugby World Cup The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Think of it as putting the training wheels back on, he told shareholders. Like were training for the next Football World Cup. By the time the next one rolls around, in like four years or so, we should be ready to go. Ralph Leyman, Director of Broadcasting and Content []

The post Optus Tentatively Puts Hat In Ring To Stream The 2019 Rugby World Cup appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Billy Slater Wins FIFA World Cups Golden Ball Despite Not Playing A Single Game The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Retiring Origin great Billy Slater has been thrust back into the headlines again today, after controversially winning the Golden Ball overnight. The Golden Ball is the award handed out to the best player at the FIFA World Cup, and at 3AM Queensland time last night, outgoing Maroons Fullback, Bily Slater []

The post Billy Slater Wins FIFA World Cups Golden Ball Despite Not Playing A Single Game appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Waleed Urges Polynesian Community To Ban Single-Use Cooking Trays At After-Church Functions The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Waleed Aly is urging Australians to pressure state premiers around the country into joining the push for a national ban on single-use aluminium cooking trays, in his newest campaign against things that arent exactly recyclable. Samoan, Tongan, Cook Islander, Maori and even Filipino communities have been today urged to steer towards cooking with []

The post Waleed Urges Polynesian Community To Ban Single-Use Cooking Trays At After-Church Functions appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Brexit Hardliners Call On Britain To Leave Planet The Shovel

Boris Johnson

Britains Brexit crisis deepened today, with several hard-line MPs stating that Britain should leave Earth, catching many world leaders by surprise.

Boris Johnson said it was the logical next step for the nation, and assured the public he had many contacts on the outside who he had strong relationships with.

US President Donald Trump was the only foreign leader to support the proposal, urging the Britain to join the US in leaving reality. Together we could negotiate some excellent trade deals, he said.


Elon Musks Mates Try To Subtly Explain To Him That Hes Coming Across As A Bit Of A Ct The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Close friends of South-African-Canadian-San-Fran-Ciscan entrepreneur and evangelist, Elon Musk, have today organised an intervention aimed at subtly informing the egotistical Afrikaan that hes being a bit of a cunt. This comes after Musk lashed out at a British diver involved in the dramatic rescue of a Thai soccer team and their coach after []

The post Elon Musks Mates Try To Subtly Explain To Him That Hes Coming Across As A Bit Of A Ct appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Colleague Who Knew Nothing About Soccer A Month Ago Resumes Knowing Nothing About Soccer The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local ambiguously-Danish-Australian has told reporters that he plans to resume his old role in the office of knowing nothing about soccer today as the World Cup wraps up in Russia. Christian Jepsen works as a civil engineer at the French Quarters fourth-most prestigious construction management firm and prides []

The post Colleague Who Knew Nothing About Soccer A Month Ago Resumes Knowing Nothing About Soccer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


England Shocked To Learn That Home Is Actually France

The entire country of England was shocked overnight to learn that home is now located in France following the French teams World Cup victory over Croatia.

Well they fooled me, I thought all along the whole country saying its coming home meant that the World cup was coming over here to London, said Brixton Football fan Charlie Boot. But turns out the World cup prefers Paris. Dont blame it really Versailles is a lot nicer than Buckingham palace and they dont have Trump visiting at the moment either.

When reached for comment the World Cup which was in the middle of settling into its new apartment on the Champs Elysees said: Why on earth would I want to call England home, how dreary. If ever I was going to call somewhere home it would be somewhere familiar like Rio, Berlin or Paris. You know somewhere Ive been before recently.

Now if youll excuse me Im off to sneer at tourists.

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook


Google finish mapping Earth after UK becomes visible from space NewsBiscuit

Googles attempt to map the surface of the Earth for smartphone users to access half a dozen times then ignore, is near to completion. The project has been largely successful except for mapping the United Kingdom, which until six weeks ago was cocooned like a mind-mashed student under a double duvet of concrete cloud.

Thanks to unprecedented clear skies during the heatwave,  satellites have now mapped every square inch of the UK, even those square inches sold off to justify lord and ladyship titles. The information is being processed and compared against contemporary maps which show the UK as it would be if drawn by a sherbet-fuelled five year old on an etch-a-sketch.

In the history of cartography, the precise definition of the UK has always remained subjective. As the Romans used the UK as a penal colony, no detailed maps were produced for fear the convicts would find their way back to the continent. Henry VIII decreed cartographers should depict the realm to reflect the Sovereigns magnificence; naked on a prancing jousting horse grasping the royal lance. Queen Victoria ordered the Royal Engineers to blast the coastline to bits to resemble Her Majesty in profile on the throne, flashing a morsel of ankle.

A techie from Google explained: Our high-resolution images of the UK captured 37 islands not previously mapped before: one is a US air base, one contains a medieval castle with a round table at its heart, three contain Wicker Men, and the rest support enormous anonymous banking institutions. The English section of the mainland has a distinct red and white hue and appears to be retreating from continental Europe at an accelerated rate. The mainlands roads have a granular and uneven texture and connect a honeycomb network of sports stadia, retail parks and charity shops.

Detailed analysis has revealed intriguing features: ditches at each end of Hadrians Wall on the Scottish side seem to have been made with a huge saw-like implement and appear to be increasing in length. Flatlands known as Hackney Marshes reveal remarkable geometric Nazca-like lines which could be a sign of alien intelligence. Google are releasing the maps this week although the government have stated only maps with resolved objects larger than a discarded beer can will be published until after the World Cup clean-up has ended.


Canadian Bigot Shocked To Learn How Few People Actually Watch Sky News

Alt-right Canadian bigot Lauren Southern was shocked to learn how few people actually watched Sky News after appearing on the network over the weekend. Southern who is in Australia as part of her, Look At Me Say Racist Crap world tour, appeared on the network in the hope of selling a few more tickets.

I was shocked that so few people watched, normally when I appear on TV I get a few ticket sales or at least some angry tweets but this time nothing, said Southern. I will have to go with plan B and wear something controversial like a Make Australia Great Again cap or a Collingwood football club jersey.

When reached for comment over their low ratings a Sky News Spokesperson said: When Lauren appeared on Rita Panahis show we had a record number of viewers, I mean we almost hit double figures.

Its easy for people to dismiss Sky News over our low ratings but we are extremely vital to the discourse. I mean without us who would comedians make jokes about?

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

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Thursday, 12 July


Man Answered Call From Caller Who Had Called Wrong Number : Spoof News : Front Page

There was 'annoyance in the air' in East Yorkshire this morning, when a man answered his telephone, only to discover that the person who was calling had dialled his number by mistake, and had intended to call someone else. The man, Moys Kenwood, f...

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Tuesday, 10 July


Fat Boy, 6, Sits On Computer Chair, And Smashes It Beyond Recognition : Spoof News : Front Page

There was hysterical laughter aplenty at one school in Battambang this morning, when a student sat down rather too heavily on a computer chair, whereupon it disintegrated underneath him. The boy, aged 6, and weighing around 150lbs, was waiting to...


Man Followed Through : Spoof News : Front Page

There was an embarrassing situation to deal with for one man this morning, after a fart he attempted to release from between his buttocks, turned into something more serious, and he followed through. The incident happened in a bank in Battambang w...


Local Pie Thief located, killed in violent shootout : Spoof News : Front Page

After weeks of investigation local man Lawerance Oddert, father of three, was killed in a violent shootout with police after stealing a pie that was cooling on old Miss Tennanbaums window sill. The police first started suspecting Oddert when he refus...

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Monday, 09 July


Alarm Clock Stopped At 01:32 : Spoof News : Front Page

An alarm clock owner in the Cambodian second-city of Battambang has told of how he awoke late this morning, after his normally-reliable alarm clock failed to wake him up at the normal agreed time. Moys Kenwood, 55, sets his gray-colored Tesco alar...

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Friday, 06 July


Trumps Wall Falling Down : Spoof News : Front Page

In a few months, following Trump's removal from office, his border wall will also be removed. Drum roll! The committee for the Restoration of America is planning a four-day celebration to commemorate the takedown. While heads of state are eage...


College Student Takes a Dump and Then Makes His Roommates Look at It : Spoof News : Front Page

Cockland University. Roy Bunders, 20, took a dump so incredibly big last Thursday that he immediately felt the need to show it to his roommates. "I had just eaten at the cafeteria, and I felt the urgent need to go to the restroom," he said.

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Saturday, 30 June


Wimbledon 2018: Wondergirls Guide : Spoof News : Front Page

The Wimbledon Tennis Championships start on 2 July at SW19, and there are some tasty-looking female competitors taking part once again, for all those viewers who aren't that keen on watching tennis, but don't mind a bit of 'leerage'. So, for your del...

Friday, 29 June


Man Starts Using His Nokia 6300 Again : Spoof News : Front Page

In a move designed to control his chronic over-use of the internet, a man in Battambang has put his advanced smartphone aside, and started to use his Nokia 6300 telephone again instead. The Nokia 6300, a Christmas present in 2007, is the most reli...


Stressed Out Local Resident Falls Apart Completely and Gets Drunk on a Tuesday : Spoof News : Front Page

Cornfield, IA. After a long and stressful day, Reverend Thomas P. Whitestain, 39, came home last Tuesday evening only to find out that his dog had shit all over the kitchen floor and that his wife of 15 years had been cheating on him with Mr. Robert...

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