IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Tuesday, 16 October

09:55

Rees-Mogg suggests EU join UK NewsBiscuit

Colonial throwback and prince among thieves Jacob Rees-Mogg has suggested that any Brexit border issues can so easily be resolved if every nation state within the European Union would simply agree to become part of the recently renamed United Kingdom of Great Britain and North East Somerset.

Those Euro-bullies really must learn how to compromise. The sensible solution is for them to forget about whatever sovereignty they think they have left and just accept that Judaeo-Christian geopolitics have always been on Englands side, said Rees-Mogg, while simultaneously relieving a semi-conscious stoat of its winter coat.

Clearly it would be in all of Europes best interest to have ever closer union with our great kingdom. They would then gain all of the advantages enjoyed by the British subjects in our Irish colony, and hopefully with only half of the troubles although without the need to pay that frightful Arlene Foster baggage a billion pounds. Really, it is high time that the DUP entered the 18th century like the rest of us.

And because this idea is all mine, it is only reasonable that I should be made first monarch of the European Kingdom, as appointed by God and anointed by the Pope, naturally, explained the mutant offspring of Bertie Wooster and Olive from On the Buses. I already have my own ermine, if that would help to speed things along?

When asked if his wife Helena is willing to be his Queen of Europe, Mr Rees-Mogg revealed that he may have to reign alone. Sadly, since our restorative visit to Bath & Wells on Saint Swithins Day, I suspect that some Anglican sorcery has endowed my wife with a supernatural power to float in water. If she survives the ducking stool, then I cannot reasonably ask Rome to grant an annulment, so burning or beheading her are the only rational options. And amen to that, eh fellows?

hat-tip Titus

09:21

New Teacher Still Under Impression Spending Own Money On Classroom Supplies Can Be Deducted From Tax The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Drowning in debt, going bald from stress but glad to finally have a job in the industry, a bright-eyed and freshly qualified teacher told The Advocate this morning that shes really been enjoying her first year in primary education. Sandy Greenwichs group certificate has been sitting by the disconnected []

The post New Teacher Still Under Impression Spending Own Money On Classroom Supplies Can Be Deducted From Tax appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:19

We Broke Royal Baby News Six Months Ago Womans Day Reminds Readers The Shovel

womans day royal baby

A frustrated editor of tabloid magazine Womans Day has reminded readers that her journalists first broke the story of Harry and Meghans pregnancy back in April, well before other publications.

Everyones jumping on the story now, but we had it first on the 15th of April, I believe. And the 22nd of April, and the 29th of April, editor Sido Kitchen said.

Ms Kitchen also confirmed that her publication was the first to break that the royal couple would be having a boy. We were also the first to break that theyll be having a girl, and the first to break that they are having twins, she added.

Asked whether they would be releasing a bumper edition this week now that the royal baby had been confirmed by the palace, Ms Kitchen said, Yes about their impending second child.

Competitor New Idea hit back at Womans Days claims, saying they originally broke the story last year.

07:59

Its Ok To Be White White Person Tells Other White People In Parliament Run By White People The Shovel

Pauline hanson in parliament

A leader of a political party has told her parliamentary colleagues to imagine the sort of influence white people could have if they werent held back by their skin colour.

The discrimination is becoming more and more obvious. Just look around you, the woman told the group of assembled white people who hold almost all of the nations political positions.

Its increasingly becoming an impediment. I mean, when was the last time you saw a white person in a position of power in this country? she said, to cries of hear hear.

A vote to pass the motion was narrowly defeated, leaving the white people present uncertain whether theyll ever be able to get ahead in life.

03:45

Mike Pence Speaks Out Against Post-marital Sex The Hard Times

WASHINGTON Vice President Mike Pence unveiled a new outreach program to educate citizens surrounding the dangers of post-marital sex during a White House press conference yesterday.

As a devoted Christian, I believe abstinence-only sex education offers the moral guidance we need and that our duty to abstain from temptation doesnt simply end with marriage, said Pence, avoiding eye contact with every woman in the room. I recommend adult couples find alternative activities to express affection: things like studying scripture, playing Boggle, or protesting Planned Parenthood together.

The announcement follows recent research from Brigham Young University, which found post-marital sex is a prominent factor in leading married women to seek abortions.

The evidence shows fornication between a married couple can lead to a lack of moral fiber, the termination of a pregnancy, or, worst of all, a beautiful, young child being adopted by a sinful gay couple, said Pence. Marriage should be about demonstrating a love of God the couple should only come together to discuss their love of Christ.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reiterated some of Pences key points at a briefing later in the day.

The Vice President knows some couples will find abstinence difficult, but he wants you to remember that intercourse will never provide the closeness or satisfaction gained by a knowing nod shared between husband and wife, fully clothed from separate beds, said Sanders. And you know what? Hes right. Post-marital sex led directly to my three children, of whom I am both proud and ashamed.

The Vice President admitted that, in the past, he had been tempted by [his] own filthy impulses, the lying media, and even [his] own wife, Karen Pence.

Post-marital sex is a slippery slope even with the holiest of intentions. You might start out doing the act through a hole in the sheet, exchanging bible verses, eyes closed and imagining Christs ripped, sweaty abdominal muscles, just as God intended, said Pence, clutching a bible in each hand. Before you know it, you and your wife could feel the need to engage in sexual activity for reasons other than reproduction: like pleasure, or mutual attraction. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Karen Pence was not available for comment, as she was sequestered for her monthly unclean days.

The post Mike Pence Speaks Out Against Post-marital Sex appeared first on The Hard Times.

03:32

Opinion: If the Band Doesnt Start in 15 Minutes, Were Legally Allowed to Leave The Hard Times

When is this band gonna go on already? I didnt even wanna go to this show but I got myself up and dressed because I dont wanna get in trouble for not supporting this band. You know what, I hope theyre not ready in time because if the band doesnt start within 15 minutes, were legally allowed to leave.

No, its true! I read the flyer and venue rules and its ironclad- if the band doesnt start in a few minutes we can all just leave and we CANT get in trouble. Our friends cant be mad we didnt see them play. The venue might get to keep our ticket money but my parents bought me the ticket and I wanna go back to bed.

Seriously, we can leave. Its the LAW.

See, according to the HxC Lore Encyclopedia, like 30 years ago, off duty law enforcement officer and secret hardcore legend Adam Blom was attending a Dikk Headz show over in a D.C. VFW when the band took more than four days to set up. Officer Blom straight up arrested the bassist when, after tuning his whole bass, snapped a string and started to restring on stage.

Blom took his frustration and campaigned with the interest groups SCAB (Some Cops are Bastards) and KILL (not an acronym, theyre just cops who kill people) created the 15 Minute Law, a measure taken to prevent bands from abusing their power of top billing.

Usually all cops are bastards, but this time one was a hero.

So today, Ill disregard all side eyes and dirty looks I get from supportive parents and 40 year old merch guys. I wont be bullied back into the Im only going out for a cig excuse, because Im exercising my right as a citizen of the scene and of the world. And honestly, if you only use the first two strings, why do you need 15 minutes to set up?

Okay, its 14 minutes and 30 seconds. Were so close. Oh no, that sounds like an opening note. Wait, never mind. THe guitar tech is just playing the Smells Like Teen Spirit riff again. Im outta here.

The post Opinion: If the Band Doesnt Start in 15 Minutes, Were Legally Allowed to Leave appeared first on The Hard Times.

03:04

Weeb Orders Sixth 23andMe in Desperate Search for Marginal Japanese Heritage The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Local Caucasian anime fan Martin ORourke ordered his sixth 23andMe in an attempt to prove that he is 100% technically a little bit Japanese.

Genealogy tests are not always totally accurate, so its worth it to try over and over again, especially if you are looking to prove to the haters in your family, friend group, and internet social circles that your waifu body pillow isnt lame. ORourke told reporters in an email. Its not like its hard to do. All it takes is a piece of your hair and like a hundred dollars. I have spent $600 on way dumber things than six 23andMe tests. For example, I own several katanas.

According to ORourke, the sixth test was inspired by Senator Elizabeth Warrens announcement that her heritage includes Native American background, confirmed by a recent 23andMe result.

If Elizabeth Warren can get millions of people to praise her online for being Native American because she had one Native American ancestor eight to ten generations back, then yeah, I think thats pretty inspiring, ORourke continued. All I need is like one or two percent and Ill be happy. Thats essentially my great great great great great great great great grandpa visiting Japan and meeting a woman. Hell, Ive already tried to do that six or seven times.

And then, its like I always say,

One of our Japanese reporters on staff confirmed that the phrase made no real sense in her language, but after running it through Google Translate, our team was able to identify the that the phrase was meant to say, Please stop making fun of me on the internet.

The post Weeb Orders Sixth 23andMe in Desperate Search for Marginal Japanese Heritage appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:59

These top 12 perceptual illusions will have your brain pleading for mercy The Poke

Were grateful to a chap called Steve Stewart-Williams for sharing his favourite 12 perceptual illusions.

One or two (or three) might be familiar but theres plenty in here we hadnt come across before. Were off for a lie-down and you might need one too.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

02:42

Single greatest payoff youll ever witness The Poke

Were indebted to Simon Pegg for sharing the single greatest payoff youll ever witness

Wait for it, wait for it

Source

The post Single greatest payoff youll ever witness appeared first on The Poke.

02:32

This thread about Freddie Mercury may well be more entertaining than the new film about him The Poke

Theres a biopic of Freddie Mercury coming to cinemas next month but if you cant wait that long then try this Twitter thread instead, documenting all the most iconic things the Queen frontman did.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

02:18

Anyone know anything about drones? Bought this off some bloke and I cannot get it started The Poke

A Twitter user called Jon bought a drone but for some reason he couldnt get it off the ground.

Fortunately there was no shortage of advice.

And guess what?

...

02:04

This tale of 2 composers went viral because it made people feel better about their own social skills The Poke

A woman called Iris shared this story for anyone who was feeling a bit down about their social skills.

It clearly struck a chord because it was liked and shared by thousands of people online. Here are our pick of the comments (and the similar stories it prompted).

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

...

01:15

Walkthrough Confirms Part Youre Stuck on Not Even a Puzzle The Hard Times

PROVIDENCE, R.I.   An online tutorial video has verified that the part of the video game you are currently stuck on was not initially designed with intentions of puzzling the user, signaling your complete failure as an intuitive gamer.

Its something were seeing happen more and more in the gaming community, said research scientist Lisa Bushwick. With the availability of walkthroughs and lets plays, the average gamer decides to check the internet for help after an average of six seconds into being unsure of something. Quite often we find the answer would have presented itself if users would have just had some goddamned patience and tried for a few more minutes to figure it out.

A recent study groundbreaking study composed by Bushwick and several associates at Brown University revealed that as games and game libraries expand, the average users willingness to solve puzzles organically has plunged drastically, down 75% from just a decade ago.

But thats not even the real concern here, she continued. Whats most troubling is the data that shows how often gamers complain about being stuck when really they just didnt see a door, or they needed to leave a room to trigger a cutscene. These are all really simple things, and anyone that cant figure that out really should be ashamed of themselves.

Speaking with the media, the young boy that uploaded the tutorial video confirmed that at least you werent the only nimrod to get stuck at that part.

I just blew through this game and thought Id upload my playthrough, said Joey Natters, aka NattersUpGaming on YouTube. And about once a week I get a comment like, Oh my god I was so stuck at the entrance to the temple, thank you so much! I dont get it. I just used the temple key Id gotten earlier in the game. How are people getting worse at video games?

Bushwicks study concludes with several pieces of advice for players to avoid falling victim to additional arbitrary roadblocks. Notable among them are keeping a familiarity with the control layout of a game, and paying attention to expositive dialogue delivered by NPCs.

Bushwick further alleged that in your particular instance, you probably would have known what to do if you had been paying attention to the story.

The post Walkthrough Confirms Part Youre Stuck on Not Even a Puzzle appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:00

Kanye West declares independence NewsBiscuit

Kanye West, has declared independence from the rest of Kanye. In what is believed to be a bloodless coup, he took over the computers, TV and radios in his many houses and his bodyguards wont let anyone near him without a visa. He also disconnected the electricity supply to the Kardashians. West, who also declared himself to be a sovereign state known as Ye, has applied to join the UN. Donald Trump has said that the US will recognise Ye and set up an embassy in his Chicago mansion.

Ye and Kardashians daughter North West is said to be monitoring the situation but is believed to think her father is now pointless. In a warning that not everything will be smooth going, Kim Kardashian has had All hope abandon, Ye who enter here tattooed on her nether regions.

01:00

Sultans of Swing arrested for blowing dixie NewsBiscuit

The Sultans of Swing, a group of balding dads with ponytails, have disbanded after their lead trumpeter was arrested by police for blowing Dixie live on stage in a pub way on down south in London Town. Harry, a fellow band member, was also arrested for playing with his honkytonk but was later released on bail pending further investigation. He said he was upset, but doesnt mind of he doesnt make the scene as he is doing all right in his daytime job as a quantity surveyor.

Lead guitarist George narrowly escaped a similar fate when he got up under the lights to play his thing. He insisted it was a case of mistaken identity due to poor lighting and the lewd act was actually performed by a mysterious character known only as Jazz. Well, now you step inside but you dont see too many faces, explained Guitar George. Coming in out of the rain to hear Jazz go down. Privately, however, the bands manager said: When I get hold of Harry Im going to make him cry and sing with a left-handed old guitar.

00:53

This is what its like if youre Matt Lucas and youre on Tinder The Poke

Matt Lucas has shared a typical day on Tinder and people shared it because it was very funny.

And heres what people made of it.

00:45

R. Kelly To Release All-New Hostage The Hard Times

CHICAGO Noted rhythm-and-blues singer Robert Sylvester R. Kelly announced the impending release of an all-new hostage today, undercover police sources confirmed from inside Kellys mansion.

Unlike my last few hostages, this one really pushes me out of my comfort zone, sang the former Atlantic City Seagulls shooting guard, putting every sentence to a repetitive melody. Ive come up with hundreds of new ideas for her way crazier than anything with my previous hostages. Despite my busy sex schedule, I made time to share what Ive been working on with the world. Its the only way I could get her out of my mind and basement.

Although the official launch is still several months away, the hostages first finger has already been made available to the public.

When R. Kelly called me into the studio to check out that pinky, I knew right away he was entering a new era in his development as an abusive cult leader, said long-time Kelly co-conspirator Colin Pudding Ewan. That severed digit is his way of letting the public know he isnt messing around and it perfectly encapsulates everything audiences will love about the entire hostage, once they finally get ahold of her.

Kelly admitted hell likely continue to tweak his hostage, Candace Akins, right up until shes revealed to the world.

I think Ive finally nailed down what she can eat, wear, and say, but I still feel like theres a little bit more dominance I can exert, explained the writer of Trapped in the Closet Chapter 9, which fans will remember featured an adulterous dwarf in the accompanying music video. Like, Candace is an okay name but what if I just called her Janet? Or maybe, R. Kelly Jr?

At press time, sources reported R. Kelly heard a noise coming from the attic and abruptly headed upstairs, citing a desire to work on a potential follow-up hostage.

The post R. Kelly To Release All-New Hostage appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:45

These 2 guys trying to move this sofa will make your day better The Poke

Were grateful to Jason Michael for sharing this clip of these two guys trying to move this sofa.

Beautiful.

Source

The post These 2 guys trying to move this sofa will make you...

00:36

This video of a plane landing in high crosswinds at Bristol airport is just extraordinary stuff The Poke

If youre not keen on flying and doing your best to conquer your fear, probably best not to watch this.

Just extraordinary stuff as a plane lands at Bristol airport in high crosswinds during Storm Callum.

And heres another view of the landing which went wildly viral.

And what people made of it online.

00:00

Theresa May is to make an announcement on Brexit and these are the 18 best guesses The Poke

In an unexpected move, the Prime Minister, Theresa May, is to make an announcement this afternoon about the progress of the Brexit negotiations. PoliticsHome.com editor, Kevin Schofield broke the news.

Naturally, everyone is intrigued as to what she might be going to say, and these people have given it their best guess.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Monday, 15 October

22:58

This health advice may not be endorsed by actual doctors but has its finger on the pulse The Poke

Weve seen this before, but in these days of being told to eat less meat, coupled with the spectre of a no-deal Brexit, we think its worth sharing again. Reddit user Bllq21 posted this image.

Someone had more evidence for the case.

Several people thought they might have the real answer.

...

22:12

ABC Scours The Internet To Find A New Climate Skeptic To Appear On Q&A To Provide Balance The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the government being forced to release a new report on global warming provided a grim view on the worlds future, the ABC has made a point of including a climate change skeptic on their panel for tonights episode Q&A. The report, which states that the world stands on the brink of failure []

The post ABC Scours The Internet To Find A New Climate Skeptic To Appear On Q&A To Provide Balance appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

22:10

Someone found a comforting message in a hotel bible but not what youd expect The Poke

When Twitter user, Gary S, moved the ubiquitous bible in his hotel room, he saw a message that probably hadnt been sent by a higher power unless you count the possibility of it being left there by the hotel manager.

Perhaps, for balance, they also wrote the Lords Prayer in a copy of the God Delusion we await confirmation.

H/T Gary S

The post Someone found a comforting message in a hotel bible but not what youd expect appeared first on The Poke.

22:00

Soyuzexit cosmonauts criticised for leaving safety of rocket NewsBiscuit

Cosmonauts Nick Hague and Alexey Ovchinin have been slated for recklessly abandoning the security of their Soyuz launch rocket after a minor incident and heading off in an unknown direction, with no clear plan of which country or countries they might have to deal with. After negotiations that dragged on for nearly two microseconds, they left the security and stability of the massive launch vehicle and hurtled off on their own.

It was madness, said one expert. It will leave them far worse off, as they wont get paid any overtime if they are no longer on the mission. We must assume that they were just dumb racists, who didnt want to risk meeting alien beings if they had ever reached space. Or that they had been brainwashed by a slogan written on the side of one of the launch sites ground transport vehicles, claiming that more medical resources would be available to them if they were to remain Earthbound.

21:43

This is what happens when you let the triangle player take a solo The Poke

There are some glamorous roles to have in an orchestra conductor, first violin, cellist, for example. The triangle player, however, doesnt necessarily get the attention they think they deserve, which is why they have to grab every opportunity for attention like this guy.

It elicited this delighted and encouraging response.

Of course, the triangle player is actually the percussionist, so will also get to do some very cool drumming and, in fact, the Florida Orchestra triangle solo was really just a parody of this advert.

Still we bet it felt great to be the Jimi Hendrix of triangle, just for a moment.

The post This is what happens when you let the triangle player take a solo appeared first on The Poke.

21:18

Donald Trump has a painting of himself with other US presidents 18 brutal takedowns The Poke

Donald Trump is not a man known for his modesty and frugality his apartment in the skyscraper he named after himself, Trump Tower, is basically decorated in gold. So, it should come as no surprise to learn that he has installed a painting in the White House, featuring himself seated at a table in a club and surrounded by previous Republican presidents. The news was broken by @th3j35t3r.

Even people who are used to Trumps narcissism found this slightly astonishing.

1.

2.

3.

21:15

Woman Pregnant The Shovel

harry and meghan pregnant

A woman is expecting a child, it has been revealed.

Media reports say the woman, who is of child bearing age, is not visibly pregnant yet, but will become so over the course of the gestation period.

Experts say the phenomenon has occurred before amongst humans and is likely to occur again in the future.

More to follow as it comes to hand.

20:08

Daniel Hannan used an odd comparison to defend Churchill and everybody made the same joke the only 13 you need The Poke

Like most people, Winston Churchill had both good and bad character traits. However, its widely considered that one of his worst characteristics was his attitude to some other races and nationalities.

Clearly, theres a strong case for arguing that Britains most-beloved prime minister was a racist, so when Brexiter, Daniel Hannan, made this comment, it sparked quite a heated response.

These 13 people made a very obvious point.

1.

2.

...

20:02

Simply 27 funny things people said about Meghan and Harrys royal baby announcement The Poke

You may have heard by now that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are expecting their first child.

If the news doesnt put a smile on your face, then these responses just might.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

...

20:00

Oxbridge to admit more students with thick West Country accents NewsBiscuit

Oxford and Cambridge Universities are being encouraged to accept increased numbers of academically able teenagers from Somerset, Devon and Cornwall, even though their West Country drawl makes them sound rather stupid.  The initiative follows a report which shows that Oxford and Cambridge Universities have a disproportionately high percentage of students from the Home Counties. A small minority of crackpot educationalists reportedly believe that it is physically possible to have both a brain and a regional accent.

The universities themselves admit that they receive fewer degree applications from the West Country, and those who speak incredibly slowly at interview, use personal pronouns for inanimate objects and place prepositions at the end of sentences are less likely to be offered a place.

Asked to give an example, an Oxford University spokesman described the interview of a prospective Mathematics student from Yeovil in which he was given a complicated formula and asked to describe the process of finding x. The gifted lad correctly solved the equation but was marked down for beginning the response with Aaaaarrrrrrr, oi seeeees wherrrre heeeees toooooo.

Ultimately, the West Country accent, together with the regions slow pace of life and the widely-held perception that Weymouth is a big city (and pronounced Wayyyyyyymerrrff), could become the subject of positive discrimination. Oxford and Cambridge would be expected to accept their quota of yokels who appear not to understand the concept of verb tenses, and Admissions Staff would no longer be able to reject applicants purely because they say Taaaaa frrr invoite meee ere at interviews.

The Oxford University spokesman said, We pride ourselves on embracing diversity and we look forward to receiving increased numbers of applications from the West Country in the light of this new initiative. As long as we dont have to have students from the West Midlands, who insist on using the greeting owamya? and terminating the interviews with Tara-abit. he continued. Now they really do sound thick.

19:41

Wentworth By-Election: David Sharma Spotted Campaigning Outside Absentee Voter Booth In Niseko The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With less than a week to go until the Wentworth byelection, the main candidates, as in the less laughable candidates, as in the Liberal candidate and an Independent candidate that everyone recognises from TV, are neck and neck in the polls. Some analysts say that by ousting Prime Minister Turnbull, who had a []

The post Wentworth By-Election: David Sharma Spotted Campaigning Outside Absentee Voter Booth In Niseko appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:37

People are enjoying when Meghan and Harry chose to tell the royal family shes pregnant The Poke

You may have heard this morning that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are expecting their first child.

Possibly the most enjoyable aspect of this news wasnt the baby hugely exciting though this prospect is, obviously but the way they chose to do the other members of the royal family.

They did it here.

Which will instantly strike a chord with anyone whos had their big day upstaged by someone else.

19:27

22 ways to scare the English using just 4 words The Poke

Over on Twitter, someone started a hashtag asking people to #ScareTheEnglishIn4Words and they really dug deep to oblige. Some of these things are completely terrifying and not just for the English.

This is what started it all.

These were the 22 most likely to scare the English.

1. A threat to a national treasure

2. Substandard tea

3. Just when you thought he was gone for good

19:00

There were lots of answers to this but this one was the winner by a royal mile The Poke

Over on TalkRadio Julia Hartley-Brewer had a question for her listeners about the wedding of Princess Eugenie and tequila brand ambassador Jack Brooksbank.

And there were lots of answers like this.

Oh, and there was this as well.

But really, there was only one winner. By a royal mile, obviously.

...

18:21

Bachelor Annoyed He Still Hasnt Made Love To His Burnt Slow Jams Mix CD From 2002 The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Local News | Contact As a 12-year-old boy, Stephen Doohan burnt himself a slow jams mix for the express purpose of charming an overly-polite and awkward girl in his class Mary. While he has grown, his sense of what constitutes something to be appropriate or not has not. Recently, the comically-tense Gemini []

The post Bachelor Annoyed He Still Hasnt Made Love To His Burnt Slow Jams Mix CD From 2002 appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

18:16

Donald Trump had a question for the pastor who just blessed him and it tells you all you need to know The Poke

Heres Donald Trump being blessed by Andrew Brunson, the American pastor freed from prison in Turkey last week.

Brunson grasped Trumps shoulder and asked God to grant the president supernatural wisdom. And heres what Trump asked in return, speaking to Brunson and his wife Norine, who accompanied him to the White House.

And heres what people made of it.

17:37

A Tory MP said we should go down fighting for Brexit and these are the only replies you need The Poke

Heres Conservative MP Andrea Jenkyns offering her considered thoughts on what should happen next in the the UKs not entirely smooth Brexit negotiations with the EU.

Jenkyns, who defeated Ed Balls at the 2015 election, will be glad to know her sentiments went viral, although possibly not for the reasons she would have hoped.

Here are our 19 favourite replies.

1.

2.

3.

17:24

What About Religious Freedoms? Asks Patriot Who Drives 700km To Protest New Mosque Proposals The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Not even a full 12 months after the nation legalised gay marriage and it was assumed that the idea of discriminating against people on their basis of their sexual orientation was a thing of the past, the Liberal Partys far-right factions existential crisis is continuing to make life hard for Prime Minister Morrison. []

The post What About Religious Freedoms? Asks Patriot Who Drives 700km To Protest New Mosque Proposals appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:23

Jeremy Hunt shared a photo of himself in a maze and got totally owned the 13 hottest burns The Poke

During a break in a meeting of many of the EUs Foreign Ministers, the UKs own Foreign Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, decided to take them for a wander through the impressive maze at his official residence. He then tweeted a photo of the occasion, showing himself and his EU counterparts peering out from the twists and turns of the Chevening maze.

It was almost too easy a self own to need anyone else to comment, but it proved irresistible. These are the 13 hottest burns.

1.

2.

3.

4.

17:09

A trick of the eye makes it look like this building is revolving but its not (is it?) The Poke

Watch this once and youll have to watch it again, thats all were saying. A very strange trick of the eye in which, well, have a look for yourself.

Some people were more bamboozled (us) than others.

Ah, yes, thank you....

16:58

Bob Mortimers story about Chris Rea and an egg in the bath is Would I Lie To You?s best moment The Poke

Bob Mortimers story about the advice Chris Rea once gave him about putting an egg in the bath is the funniest thing to have happened on BBC1s Would I Lie To You?

And heres why.

The clip went viral after it was shared by the great man after last weeks show.

16:36

Graham Norton on Brexit went viral because he nails it so perfectly The Poke

Heres Graham Norton being interviewed, rather than doing the interviewing for a change giving his (brief) thoughts on Brexit.

And it went viral because he nails it so perfectly.

I shut my eyes. I do some deep breathing. There is a bloody-mindedness about it.

Some sort of Brexit is going to happen even though at this point everyone knows its a bad idea.

I do think that there is something very British about it.

I said I was hungry enough to eat my foot, so Im going to eat my foot.

So come next year we are going to be having toes as an amuse-bouche.

Norton was on the Irish TVs Late, Late Show being filmed in London.

This was quite funny as well.

Having done so many plugs for his guests on BBC1 on a Friday night, that would have been a bit of a sickener

Source

The post...

16:28

A classic optical illusion has resurfaced to drive us all mad The Poke

With everything that the internet has to offer, whod have thought that a simple image of an optical illusion would be amongst the most compelling, but thats what happened this weekend when people struggled to get their brains to accept this.

The problem is beautifully explained by composer, Nick Harvey.

His post captured the imagination and frustration of Twitter users, who also volunteered some methods of confirming that the lines are truly parallel.

This person may have been pranking everyone.

15:43

Coal Lobbyist Legitimately Wonders If Coalition MP Hes Buying Lunch For Has Brain Damage The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Working on behalf of a number of local coal miners and power companies, it goes without saying that Sam Ferguson gets to wine and dine on the company card more than most. He doesnt get his hands dirty unless of course, you find cold hard cash to be []

The post Coal Lobbyist Legitimately Wonders If Coalition MP Hes Buying Lunch For Has Brain Damage appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:56

National Partys Alt-Right Infiltrators Resign After Being Forced To Match Barnaby Beer For Beer The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NSW Nationals MP Troy Grant has come out saying his party was not a safe harbour for people with outrageous views, responding to revelations that alt-right nationalists have been attempting to stack the NSW Young Nationals. Ironically, while the organisation is mostly made up of young men lacking reliable father figures, the alt-rights []

The post National Partys Alt-Right Infiltrators Resign After Being Forced To Match Barnaby Beer For Beer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:51

Fox Screaming In The Night Enough To Rattle Visiting City Boy To His Very Core The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In town for the Betoota Gold Cup at the weekend, homely Brisbanese man Dennis Spears was woken in the night by a blood-curdling scream. What the fuck was that? he said, springing up in bed. The 28-year-old was so confronted by the noise that he decided to wake his []

The post Fox Screaming In The Night Enough To Rattle Visiting City Boy To His Very Core appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:46

Fourth Grade Cricketer Blames Barely Visible Sun For His Three Dropped Catches, Batting The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Betoota Dugongs batsman was left ruing the elements this weekend, after a somewhat lacklustre performance in the field. Declan Johnson (26) who plays in the lowest grade for the Dugongs, started off this years cricket season with a bang, of sorts. After making a gritty 7 of 32 balls with the bat, []

The post Fourth Grade Cricketer Blames Barely Visible Sun For His Three Dropped Catches, Batting appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:58

Michio Kaku: Aliens have infiltrated our internet Chronicle.su The only news that matters

Aliens have already begun psyops and largescale infiltration of the internet to turn humanity against itself so that a small scale invasion across interstellar distances will be possible.

INTERNET Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku told reporters Sunday that he thinks an advanced alien species may have infiltrated the earths internet to sow discord and soften up humanity for a potential invasion.

Dr. Kaku, speaking at an event held by former Blink 182 musician Tom Delonge told reporters, The only truly credible reports of UFOs have followed a very troubling pattern. Always they are tracking our fighter jets or interfering with nuclear weapons systems and these stories show a coherent and disturbing pattern that is very consistent from person to person and from nation to nation.

Tom Delonge slouched and his eyes teared up as he gripped his mic, trying to settle the conference room. Well take your questions later. And no, this isnt a joke not a prank.

Dr. Kaku continued, Thank you Tom. Imagine, for a moment, if a group of chimpanzees suddenly learned to make stone-tipped spears or started crafting bows and arrows. This might not be a major threat to our civilization, but it certainly would draw our attention, especially the attention of people who live nearby. Even worse, imagine if they discovered fire.

Delonge waved his hand dismissively at the cries from the conference room, In the end, I know wed kill them. Chimps setting fires all over the place would just be too dangerous. Whatever scientists think, the people living in the area would not be very tolerant for very long, and look: Were the chimps with nukes its a situation that no advanced species in our vicinity can tolerate.

Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately Id say that our goose is likely already cooked.

Dr. Kaku looked stern and spoke with incredible clarity, When humanity deployed its first nuclear weapons, this must have instantly drawn the attention of anyone in our galactic neighborhood. The gamma burst would create an unmistakable signature that would be easily detected at a great distance. These accounts of nuclear weapons being disabled by strange lights in the sky are credible evidence of an advanced species displaying total military superiority. The strange craft...

12:56

Large Long Black Fails To Soothe Post-Bender Anxiousness The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Heart beating out of chest, tingling over taking body, head spinning out of control right about now Pippa Smith is thinking that the large long black she ordered was the worst thing imaginable for her post weekend anxiety. fuuuuccckkk she thought to herself as she strapped into the anxiety express. Im so []

The post Large Long Black Fails To Soothe Post-Bender Anxiousness appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:12

Labor Vows To Strip Religious Schools Of The Freedoms Labor Gave Them To Sack Gay Staff The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the news that Prime Minister Morrison will be changing the law to ban religious educational organisations from the right to expel gay students, the ALP has take the opportunity to say that they too will do something even more progressive. By banning these same organisations from having the right to sack gay []

The post Labor Vows To Strip Religious Schools Of The Freedoms Labor Gave Them To Sack Gay Staff appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:36

Mums Rings To Inform Child That Prince Harry Is Here With His New Wife And Thats Exciting The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It is probably the most exciting thing to happen to Betoota Grove mother-of-four, Wendy Spock, this calendar year. Save for perhaps the conception or unplanned birth of her first grandchild. Prince Harry arrived in Australia this morning with his popular new wife Megan Markle and Wendy is barely []

The post Mums Rings To Inform Child That Prince Harry Is Here With His New Wife And Thats Exciting appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:36

Eastern Suburbs Mum Identifies Niche In Market For Grossly Overpriced Homemade Muesli

business-woman-drawing-a-graph-raw-video-record_njt4ykk5l__S0000

An enterprising Woollahra mumpreneur has proudly exploited a vacant slot in the market to produce her own signature grossly overpriced homemade muesli.

My extensive actionable analytics of local artisanal bakeries, gourmet organic food emporiums and prissy hole in the wall cafes established a gap in the market for a blandly generic muesli that retails for between $21-$25 per 350 grams, said breakfast food dabbler Imogen Harper-Collins. I was up all night designing the product, 5% of that time devoted to putting together the right mix of nuts and seeds and whatnot, and 95% of the time devoted to creating an appropriately grungy looking brown paper bag with amateurish graphics to house it in.

Harper-Collinss product Namoi Valley Organic Granola is a made from a carefully guarded recipe of rolled oats, chia seeds, dessicated loganberries, green almonds, sawdust and...

09:55

Judges pay to be decided by premium line phone vote NewsBiscuit

A public consultation is to take place regarding pay rises for senior judges in England and Wales to bring earnings in line with talent show judges. The move addresses low morale among judges stemming from dissatisfaction of pay and conditions in comparison with their celebrity cousins. If passed, a High Court judge would receive an extra 60,000 per year, be chauffeur-driven to work in a limo once a week and get filmed backstage in chambers sitting on the corner of their desk sipping coffee, nodding and pointing at mugshots of defendants with other judges.

Currently Judge Judy is the only member of the judiciary qualified to appear on her own show and has a take-home salary comparable to Jason Gardiner from Dancing On Ice. A High Court judge who wished remain anonymous, commented: Judes a maverick, a one-off. Not all of us can have our courtroom dealings broadcast to the nation, but that doesnt mean our work isnt as valid or we dont want to arrive an hour early to go through hair and make-up.

Head of talent show judiciary, Simon Cowell was typically derisive, saying: Aah look, darlings. You dont work Saturdays, you have an audience of dozens, not thousands. You dont hear pleas from the accused at your lavish villas. Im not saying what you do isnt valuable, just is it good enough for prime-time telly? I think not. So, Im gonna say no.

Strictlys Shirley Ballas was equally defiant, saying: Im livid. They have one outfit. I have to buy a new frock every week. Two out of ten, for cheek. However, balancing the scales was X-Factor veteran Louis Walsh. Dont listen to Simon!, he told the bewigged hopefuls. He doesnt know what hes talking about. You guys have got the talent and the whole Georgian wig thing going on. Golden buzzer from me all the way.

Should High Court judges receive a salary comparable to talent show judges? YOU decide. Voting opens via the app from midnight. Calls cost 45p from landlines, of which 95% will go to Simon Cowell as usual. Terms and conditions apply but that would involve reading the small print, so dont bother eh?

09:47

Brisbane Mans Deepest Regrets To Live On For Eternity Inside ScanTek ID Machine The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As a staunch advocate for good times, Brisbane man Moreton Birkdale (27) says he doesnt regret much in his life. The bayside-based car detailer can proudly say hes never really wished for the chance to do things over. That was until he realised that the Queensland State Government and the entire Brisbane hospitality []

The post Brisbane Mans Deepest Regrets To Live On For Eternity Inside ScanTek ID Machine appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:08

Thanks to BBC subtitlers we now know what noise the Tardis makes The Poke

The Tardis has been travelling through time and space for quite a while now but thanks to the BBCs subtitlers we now know exactly what noise it makes.

Sounds about right, as spotted by Kate Bottley after Sunday nights second episode with Jodie Whittaker in the title role.

And there was no shortage of Doctor Who fans around to tell Kate all about it.

06:39

Doctor Who: people loved the new Tardis and one thing in particular favourite 19 things people said about it The Poke

It was Jodie Whittakers second episode in Doctor Who on Sunday night Doctor Two, if you will (no, fair enough) and there was no shortage of things to talk about.

Most of it was about the new Tardis, and one thing about it in particular. Here are our favourite 19 things people said about it.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

05:26

Why Rioting Is the Next Big Self-Care Trend for Women The Hard Times

In our never-ending quest to uplift and heal ourselves, its easy to get overwhelmed by all the different types of self-care that exist: from drinking charcoal, to bathing in infrared light, to brushing your teeth with infrared charcoal, the options are nearly limitless!

The ideal self-care routine should be all-encompassing, beneficial, and affordable. Thats why rioting is the next big thing for those seeking higher levels of well-being. Boss making you work through the weekend again? Take out that resentment on a storefront window! Ghosted by another Tinder date? Instead of flipping out, flip over a cop car!

Chances are, youve already heard of riots. Theyre all over the news and your Facebook feed (unless youre on a digital detox right now, in which case, yaaaas, get it!), but the reasons why might surprise you.

First of all, rioting is surprisingly cheap. Participating in a riot costs nothing up front- not even an email address or trial subscription. Talk about an inclusivity win! And the real riot gurus out there know all the best hacks like keeping your face covered (also key for wrinkle-prevention, ladies!), only shoplifting what you can easily carry, avoiding cops, and most importantly not understanding the systemic issues that have led to a society constantly on the brink of civil unrest so you dont have to bear the emotional and economic weight of the riot afterwards. Fun!

That brings us to the next big benefit of rioting: cardio! Running is great for your heart and your metabolism, especially in short bursts. Riots often start small, then escalate spontaneously so the excitement is half the fun. The other half is the great endorphin rush and dose of daily exercise youll get while running from the police. Make sure to download plenty of podcasts or music to fit your mood. The Hard Times recommends Chapo Trap House, Against Me!, and Kesha (because theres never a bad time for Kesha).

The improvisational aspect of rioting does wonders for your brain. When making a Molotov cocktail, for example, youll get a chance to express your creative side: mix and match any flammable liquid think perfume, vodka, or fuel with your bottle and wick of choice. Plus, your skin will look fab af when bathed in the natural light of a flaming bottle. Bonus points for decluttering your purse and closet to assemble the ingredients!

Now, youre probably wondering how to get to a riot ASAP. Much like your favorite vegan pop-up, checking locations and tags on Instagram can be a great way to discover nearby riots that are already in progress. But if you cant find one, make one! Find a nearby social injustice being committed (very easy to find), whip up nearby pedestrians into a frenzy, and riot away!

Happy healing!

The post Why Rioting Is the Next Big Self-Care Trend...

04:56

A Book Review Of Madeleine Albrights Fascism: A Warning Daily Discord

In 2018 fascism is one of those terms thrust into the heart of the American scheissgeist and Albrights book on the subject Fascism: A Warning offers a historical overview of when conditions turn toward such tyranny. She personalizes her own familys account of fleeing Czechoslovakia to stay one step ahead of the Third Reich. Today, the republicans

04:14

Too Soon: Brett Kavanaugh is Getting a Funko Pop The Hard Times

EVERETT, Wash. Toy manufacturer Funko Pop announced today that they will be releasing a Brett Kavanaugh collectible figure this winter, drawing criticism from those who find the move to be in poor taste.

Look, I admit we probably should have vetted this guy and his story a lot better before we rushed these into production, said Funko Pop CEO Brian Mariotti.  Our number one goal here is to stay on top of pop culture trends at all costs. Sometimes we forget to read the context. I thought wed figured it out after we recalled all those Brock Turner figures, but apparently weve still got a lot to learn.

While online reactions to the decision were almost universally negative, several U.S. senators came out in support of the figure, including Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

I dont see any reason why this man should continue to suffer without a commemorative figure of himself, said McConnell, while adding five Kavanaugh Funko Pops to his Amazon Shopping cart.  Brett Kavanaugh has had his reputation ruined over this whole ordeal, and I can think of maybe one person whos suffered worse than him. Look at the time, I must get going now.

Other politicians were more apprehensive about endorsing the toy, such as Arizona senator Jeff Flake.

Its important that we have a thorough and fair investigation before Ill sign off on this Funko Pop, the fate of collections nationwide depends on it,  said Flake, before waiting exactly ten seconds and adding, Alright yeah, sign me up for one of those bad boys!

With the support of the Senate, it is expected that the polarizing figure will be produced, cementing Kavanaughs place in the annals of pop culture history. Mariotti assured consumers that the controversial figure would present one of the most accurate likenesses seen from the companys signature line of collectibles when it releases this holiday season.

His beady eyes make the resemblance a little uncanny, really, he said. This one is really gonna have it all, I promise. From that angry sneer on his face, down to the calendar and mug of beer accessories hell ship with.

The post Too Soon: Brett Kavanaugh is Getting a Funko Pop appeared first on The Hard Times.

03:40

This is why you shouldnt leave a baby on a slope The Poke

Its not just what happens to the baby, its the peoples reactions (or lack of them).

Every new parents probably had a moment similar to that. Maybe not quite so dramatic though.

Or on TV.

01:00

Thatll be a Chinook office guy finally gets it right NewsBiscuit

London shipping clerk Darren Ross was celebrating today when his assertion that the helicopter he could hear was definitely a Chinook turned out to be correct.

According to colleagues, the chopper fan had previously got it wrong on 17 occasions, ascribing the distinctive twin-rotor noise generated by the American workhorse of the sky to an Apache, a Black Hawk, a UH-72 Lakota, an AA breakdown truck and a man blowing through his lips.

00:45

Courteous Punk Kinda Moves Friends Dishes Before Pissing in Sink The Hard Times

CHICAGO Polite and respectful punk Jimmy Arano did the right thing at a house party last weekend by slightly moving a small pile of dishes to one side before pissing in the kitchen sink, skeeved-out sources confirmed.

I was four tallboys deep and had to pee like crazy, but the bathroom line was practically out the front door, Arano said. So I did the only sensible thing: I pissed in the sink. Not my proudest moment, but overall, I think I handled the situation with a buttload of class.

Vaguely horrified and amused witnesses noted Arano did gently push the in-sink dishes slightly away from the drain before urinating a gesture Arano referenced several times by loudly proclaiming, No harm, no foul, bro.

However, homeowner and party host Kyle Hoskins had a slightly different perspective.

There were only two people in line for the bathroom. Jimmy could have waited all of five minutes, but instead dropped trou in the middle of the kitchen, said Hoskins, who was entertaining in the backyard during the incident. And its not a big sink. There was almost definitely splashback on my turquoise Fiestaware.

While multiple, reportedly intoxicated, party guests cheered on Aranos very public micturition, others sided with Hoskins over the alleged party foul.

I would have never done something like that. Just gross. Sure, Ive pissed in bathtubs because a friend was vomiting in the toilet. Who hasnt? But the kitchen sink? Grow up, dude, said guest Leslie Pivetta. If he had to go that bad, why not pee on the douchey neighbors Altima, like a normal person?

Hoskins admitted he intends to speak with Arano at some point though the confrontation has been delayed while Hoskins deals with another, more severe, lavatorial issue that arose later that evening.

Ill definitely knock Jimmy the fuck out soon but right now, I got bigger problems. Some asshole left an upper decker in the toilet tank, Hoskins said.

When reached for comment about the defacement of Hoskins toilet tank, a sheepish Arano replied that he would answer no further questions at this time.

The post Courteous Punk Kinda Moves Friends Dishes Before Pissing in Sink appeared first on The Hard Times.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Sunday, 14 October

23:18

Kangaroo Attack Family Talk Calmly About Their Experience TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

An Australian couple and their son, who have been caring for kangaroos for more than 30 years, have spoken to reporters about the savage attack that changed their minds about the infernal beasts. Jim and Linda Santoro, from Millmerran in Queenslan...

22:00

Baker refuses to make Christian cake NewsBiscuit

A baker in N.Ireland has flatly refused to bake a cake for a Christian couple saying the whole concept behind the cake was totally abhorrent and against everything he stood for.
Baker Jason Beesley said the couple had asked him to bake a cake made from unleavened bread and red wine but 43 year old Jason argued that the ingredients were meant to represent the flesh and blood of a man brutally murdered over 2000 years ago and was simply an attempt by the couple to legitimise cannibalism

Why anybody would want to pretend they were eating the flesh of a man who had been left to die in agony on a cross for days on end is beyond me, said Beesley.
I tried explaining the Eucharist to my toddler, continued Beesley. He asked if it was like what the zombies do in The Walking Dead and I said, well, basically, yes it was.  He said cool. Now I think he wants to become a Christian so he can eat people.
Dress it up as you wish, but eating the flesh and drinking the blood of another human being is just creepy.; concluded Beesley. It might only be symbolic.but then so is marrying the person you love. Sorry.I just cant do it.

21:22

Morrison Unveils New Fast Train Service The Shovel

The Morrison Government today unveiled plans for the nations first fast train service, which will revolutionise train travel in Australia, according to the Prime Minister. 

The early election promise is one of a range of new ideas Mr Morrison has put forward to modernise the countrys infrastructure and boost the coal industry. 
Dubbed Barnaby, the service will cover the busy Sydney to Canberra route. Although buses will be needed between Sydney to Bungendore due to track incompatibility, it is expected to cut hours from the current horse and carriage time. 
 
 
Minister for Infrastructure, Transport and Regional Development, Michael McCormack, described the service as a great example of Australian ingenuity and the shot in the arm our coal industry needed. 
___________________
By Paul Dovas

20:10

Coles Radio Providing Just Whats Needed On Gloomy Sunday Evening The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With the bleakness of another weekend coming to a conclusion, paired with the average weather, the only thing making a last minute grocery run seem worth it are the nostalgic bangers coming out of the supermarket sound system. Weaving between some Dido, Justified-era Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado, the light early-2000s playlist comes []

The post Coles Radio Providing Just Whats Needed On Gloomy Sunday Evening appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:00

Conkers crap, middle-aged man is reminded NewsBiscuit

Roger Martindale, a 48-year-old chartered surveyor from Bromsgrove, has returned from a trip down memory lane by playing conkers in the back garden with his 12-year-old son Nigel in the evening mist.  Unfortunately the memories that were revived were all awful, given that the experience served mainly to confirm that his childhood games were basically pants.

Nigel kept on at me to collect conkers with him, then drill holes through them and play, Martindale said. I thought it might be a fun, quality time experience for us to share but after about 100 goes each and only dealing a glancing blow to each others conker twice each, I started to wonder how much longer Id have to AHHHH! Dammit, Nigel, mind my bloody knuckles will you?

Martindale had had fond memories of playing conkers with his own dad some 35 autumns ago, until he remembered that the only reason for this was that his friends refused to, calling him a speccy loser for not having an Atari.

To compound the overwhelming sense of ennui and futility inherent in the situation, the dog, who regards everything else I have ever done as wonderful looked on as disdainfully as my pet cat from childhood did in 1980, while my wife started on about how lovely it was to see boys still enjoying all the old-fashioned games.  Exactly like my mother did in 1980, safe in the knowledge that, as a girl, she would never have this inflicted on her.

Nonetheless, he conceded, it would be nice if one day, Nigel got to play conkers in the autumn twilight with his own son, if only because the thought of being wheeled out at the age of 75 to do this shit again with a third generation of nerdy kid is too painful to think about it.  Come on mate, its France v Romania in a minute. And that was NEVER a windmill, you can fuck right off you can

17:36

Libs Target Rowdy Springbok Fans In Desperate Bid To Stir Up African Gang Problem In Wentworth The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has warned Sydneys Eastern suburbs voters to think carefully before voting for independent candidate Kerryn Phelps, after a new poll placed her far ahead of Liberal opponent Dave Sharma. This comes as what-should-be-the-safest-Liberal-seat-in-the-country begins to indicate that it might be sick of the toxicity that saw the silver-haired saviour []

The post Libs Target Rowdy Springbok Fans In Desperate Bid To Stir Up African Gang Problem In Wentworth appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:21

Trump Floats Slavery Idea TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

President Donald Trump has indicated at a meeting with Republican colleagues, that, as a way of solving problems in the employment sector, he "would not totally oppose" the idea of a return to slavery on a limited scale. The news had an earth-shat...

President Trump Floats Slavery Idea TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

President Donald Trump has indicated at a meeting with Republican colleagues, that, as a way of solving problems in the employment sector, he "would not totally oppose" the idea of a return to slavery on a limited scale. The news had an earth-shat...

10:36

Did You Get That Presidential Orange Alert Text This Week? Daily Discord

Tweet TowerDid anyone else get that Presidential Alert on your cellphone? Ive gotten Amber Alerts when kids go missing, and Silver Alerts when the chronologically-challenged wander into the woods, but what the hell is an Orange Alert? Can we block our president from texting me? I blocked FEMA and Homeland Insecurity, but WTF? The actual message from

10:34

Only Child Ecstatic School Holidays Are Over The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While school holidays are a brilliant opportunity to do things you can genuinely see yourself reminiscing over such as watching TV or playing video games, for only child Jess Wilby (11) she is looking forward to returning to school and is ecstatic the holidays are over. Being an awkward age where she is []

The post Only Child Ecstatic School Holidays Are Over appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:07

Hungover Wreck Constantly Refreshes Food Delivery App To Follow Cyclist In Real Time The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local womans Earth-shattering hangover has this morning resulted in her refreshing her food delivery app for the fourth time in one minute, in what can only be describe as an act of pure desperation. In her current festering state, Millie Bryan has ordered a mid-morning feast from her local Thai restaurant which []

The post Hungover Wreck Constantly Refreshes Food Delivery App To Follow Cyclist In Real Time appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:55

Hard hitting Countryfile special to feature Matt chainsawing a pig, confirm Beeb NewsBiscuit

The BBC have confirmed that next weeks edition of Countryfile will come from an unlicensed abattoir in mid Devon. The producer of the show has said it is an opportunity to highlight the other side of life in the Shires, and to get a glimpse behind those dry-brick walls.
Viewers will get a chance to see Countryfile presenters up to their elbows in offal and intestines, skinning sheep, electrocuting chickens and wrestling with barely stunned animals as they desperately cling on to life. Presenter Matt Baker is filmed taking a chainsaw to a recently slaughtered pig, while Anita Rani will be seen passing an electric current through the head of a 35 week old lamb.

See what happens in an hilarious sequence when Anita tried to cut the little lambs throat only to find the poor creature wasnt actually dead.  Yesthat Anitawhat is she like, explained one of the abbatoir workers. We did explain that in order to kill the lamb she needed to cut both carotid arteries and let the thing bleed out for at least 20 seconds, otherwise it just ends up getting skinned alive. Its hilarious watching poor Anita getting showered in sheep blood while she struggles to put it out of its misery..pure slapstick.
Veteran presenter John Craven is then seen immersing chickens in an electrified water bath before passing them through an automatic neck cutter. It took a while before we found a live chicken to electrocute, quipped John. Most of them were already dead on arrival. Those that hadnt had their heads crushed in the transporter had died from heart failure, but we found one in the end.
Follow the life cycle of Buttercup, a happy three year old Hereford as she makes the journey from green pasture to butchers hook, from free roaming animal to pallid, grey stewing steak in a supermarket chiller. Watch Tom Heap scrape shredded meat from the abattoir wall, and see him feed lips and ears through a mincer to make dog food and cat food and own-brand supermarket burgers. And watch Helen Skelton struggle with her ear-defenders as she tries to block out the sound of screaming, panic stricken sheep as they realise whats about to happen.
Viewers have often asked what happens when the cameras stop rolling, the film crews pack all their stuff away and the shows presenters are all tucked up in bed., said producer Jason Beesley. Well.this is what happens. Happy now?

The following week, why not join Matt and the rest of the Countryfile team in Monaco as they watch a billionaire land owner blow his entire annual EU subsidy on a single turn of the roulette wheel.

01:28

Fan Hates U2 Because They Are Popular TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A local man who grew up loving U2, hates them now because they are popular. U2 used to be awesome until everyone else started liking them, then they became awful, said the man, Kevin Stevens. I liked them when they were young and up-and-coming,...

00:00

New Zealand Air Force buys half an F35 fighter jet TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The American Air Force has grounded its whole fleet of F35 fighter jets, described as the most sophisticated and expensive in the history of combat aviation. Media reports suggest that the Trump administration has found a legitimate excuse to get rid...

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Saturday, 13 October

23:25

Kanye West Next US Ambassador To The United Nations TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

When it was a rumored possibility, folks thought it a satirical joke, but no, the truth is, Kanye West will replace Nikki Haley as the next US Ambassador to the United Nations. Of course, Ivanka is disappointed. Her father already announced that...

14:06

Rare Coin Arouses Interest On eBay TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Coin collectors were in the news again earlier today, when an extremely rare 10p coin attracted the attentions of several serious bidders on auction website eBay. Or is it ebay? The coin, which is like MANY other 10p coins - in that, it has that...

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Saturday, 22 September

22:21

Senator proclaims all men are horny dogs and should shut up TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington D. C. - In a Tuesday press conference last week, U.S. Sen. Mazie Hirono D-Hawaii while pontificating about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh's alleged sexual assault hearing proceedings, she had some very strong words for all men in t...

19:50

Trump imposes travel restrictions and tariffs on International Space Station crew TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In a move that will further inflame diplomatic tensions, President Donald Trump has announced a series of travel and trade restrictions on crews on the International Space Station (ISS). Trump spoke from the 17th tee at his private golf course in...

14:33

Man's Glasses Are Close To Being Retired TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A man who wears spectacles in the Cambodian second city of Battambang is tonight considering splashing out on a new pair, after the frames in his current pair cracked again - for a fifth time! Moys Kenwood, 55, has been wearing the non-prescriptio...

13:42

Man's Cock Gets Trapped In Zip TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A man has revealed how a night out with friends ended in agony and a hospital visit, after he carelessly got his cock trapped in his zip. Alan Smith, 28, had been breaking drinking records with his mates in pubs around downtown New York, and, as l...

12:00

Lutheran Church Failed To Properly Perform Exorcism TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Michigan. Several years ago, Danny Fowler, who was 17 years old at the time, became demonically possessed in his parents' home and was rushed to a nearby Lutheran Church in hopes that Pastor Bob Smith would be able to cast out the malicious entity t...

01:33

Airplane passengers sickened by exposure to Vanilla Ice TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Doctors have concluded that the mystery illness that sickened a large number of passengers traveling from Dubai to New York was Vanilla Ice Exposure. Although, Robert Michael Van Winkle the performer that goes by the name Vanilla Ice was purported t...

Friday, 21 September

23:52

She won her college's Miss Green pageant, but some say she's not green enough TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Ixxy Zigou is a 22-year-old spotted woman who is studying journalism at the University of Lodenia. This year, she decided to enter the Miss Green pageant, which is open to all green women. There were a total of eight contestants in the competition...

15:31

Man Spotted Cloud In The Shape of Thomas The Tank Engine TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A man travelling home on a motorcycle near the Cambodian city of Battambang had a shock this afternoon, when he glanced up at the sky and saw a cloud formation which reminded him of his favorite fictional steam locomotive, Thomas the Tank Engine.

12:17

Federal Reserve loses banking license TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington D.C. According to YouTube viewer Joe Blow, the Federal Reserve lost its banking license on September 14, 2018. I was watching YouTube, and all of a sudden this Scottish guy started saying the Federal Reserve was DONE. No more licen...

09:29

Gun Blames its Owner for Murder TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A 9mm Glock used to kill a local man says its owner is to blame for the murder. The guns attorney asserts that guns dont kill people, people kill people. My client may have actually killed this person by ejecting a bullet from its chambers t...

08:34

Judge Kavanaugh Agrees To Marry Accuser And Make Her An Honest Woman TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

BILLINGSGATE POST: Judge Brett Kavanaugh notified attorneys for Christine Blasey Ford that he would agree to marry her if she dropped her charges that he attempted to rape her. Citing his responsibility to make her an honest woman, Judge Kavanaug...

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Resource generated at IndyWatch using aliasfeed and rawdog