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Sunday, 19 November

04:30

Wavves Extra V Stolen From Tour Van The Hard Times

BERKELEY, Calif. Indie-rock band Wavves had the extra V from their name stolen out of their tour van late last night during a routine tour stop, the band confirmed.

Wavves, currently on tour with Joyce Manor, is now forced to continue on as Wav es until the V is returned.

Its really fucked up that V is a symbol of our irreverence and energy. Were more boring without it, explained Wav es frontman Nathan Williams. Why did they have to steal the second V? Thats the one that really matters. It was the lifeblood of the band.

While authorities search for clues, Wav es is looking for a temporary solution.

Some fans suggested taking one of the extra Vs from our album, Wavvves. But then it would just be Wavves, the same name as our first release. Who are we, Weezer? said guitarist Alex Gates. Our laptops were in the van, as well as $400 cash. Why didnt they just take that stuff instead? We cant just go to an Apple store and buy a new V.

Detective Martin Dupree of the Berkeley Police has tracked similar thefts for years. I remember late 2013, when electro-pop darlings CHVRCHES had their V stolen, said Dupree. They were forced to revert to their old U, and venues assumed they were Christian rock. Thankfully, when the V was found a few months later, their popularity rebounded.

In the meantime, Wav es is encouraging other musical acts to remain vigilant in protecting the letters in their names.

I texted my buddies in the indie-pop band Alvvays to be careful if this could happen to us, it could happen to anyone, said Williams. If PVRIS V gets stolen, theyre fucked.

Fortunately for Joyce Manor, while their tour van was parked directly behind the Wav es van, it was left unscathed.

I do find it a bit suspicious, said Dupree. The letters in Joyce Manor are equally valuable, yet nobody paid any attention to them. I saw this morning that their Bandcamp page now lists them as Jovce Manor. Ill be doing my due diligence here, you can be sure of that.

When asked for comment, band members of Jovce Manor avoided eye contact and walked away whistling.

Help get to the bottom of this case on Wednesday November 22nd at The UC Theatre in Berkeley, CA. Tickets available HERE...

02:00

Thought for the Day axed until thinking resumed NewsBiscuit

Thought for the Day, Radio Fours regular morning faith perspective, has been cancelled as regular contributors simply could not think of anything more to say.  The slot has been running since December 1939..weve covered just about everything there is to think about, and we have all agreed that theres just nothing more left to say explained a Producer.  Theres only so many things you can say about omniscient deities and God-stuff.

Only so many slants you can think of to promote the belief and worship of gods, only so many quotes you can lift from the Bible or one of those other dinky faith books and only so many ways to say that we should all be good to one another were just repeating ourselves now.  Ill be sharing a few thoughts about that worm thing that was on Blue Planet the other nightno ones ever covered that one, well, not in any great depthbut after that, were done.  Instead, the slot will be filled with someone dragging their fingers down a blackboard:  Its not perfect but at least we wont lose so many listeners.

I for one will certainly miss Thought For The Day, admitted John Humphrys.  We all need to empty our bladder during the programme and two and a half minutes is just about right.I guess well all just have to wait until Nick Robinson does one of his in-depth interviews to take a dump now.

01:30

Local Scene Dude Asks Girlfriend to Be His Forever Plus One The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Johnny Fire Ferminelli, the frontman of suburban metalcore band Seasons of Fire, pledged a lifelong commitment to his girlfriend last night, asking her to attend shows by his side as his forever plus-one, witnesses confirmed.

The proposal took place around 9 p.m. outside of an Every Time I Die show in West Hollywood.

It was definitely weird, said Tommy Greenberg, who witnessed the romantic gesture while waiting in line to enter. When he dropped down to one knee, we all thought he was about to ask her to marry him but he just asked if shed be his guest list partner for life or some shit. Honestly, I havent seen anyone that disappointed since the last time I saw Bad Brains live.

Plans for the proposal allegedly began as soon as Fire saw the poster for the show, as Every Time I Die has held special significance in his relationship.

Rachel [Garvin] and I actually met in line for their meet-and-greet, back at Warped Tour in 2015 you know, when they actually had good bands play, said Fire. I was sunburned and dehydrated, and, like an angel from heaven, she appeared with SPF50 and an $8 bottle of water. I knew then and there that she was special.

Garvin admitted she was caught off guard by the proposal.

Related:

When he pulled out that little box, I thought, Wow, this is really happening But all he did was stick a shitty wristband on my arm, Garvin said. This wristband doesnt do much, except get us corralled to the side of the stage not even on the stage with about 50 other friends of the band. Which is cool and all, but I dont know if I can be with a man who cant provide the all-access pass I deserve.

Fire privately admitted to his own mild reservations about the arrangement.

This is a big commitment. I have a lot of friends I could give my guest list spots to, but shows are so much better with Rachel by my side, said Fire. I just hope she doesnt expect half of my drink tickets forever.

The best way to support The Hard Times is to buy a shirt, so do it now:

00:00

Greggs Carol NewsBiscuit

Away from pret a manger
No crisps and no bread
The jumbo pork Jesus is deep fried instead
The starchy bright pink meats not in your 5 a day
But a pastry lord Jesus helps you work, rest and pray.

The nutrition is lowing, the pastry it flakes
The mechanically recovered Jesus is better than cakes
I love thee, lard sausage. Youre as good as a pie
Youre still on my breath when morning is nigh.

Be near me, Greggs pastries, I ask thee to stay
Open from breakfast til the end of the day
Bless all the fat children in diabetes care
And push them to heaven in an XXXL wheelchair

Newscat

00:00

Find Out Who Is The Biggest Poser In Your State The Hard Times

Across the country, region to region, state to state, city to city, every scene is different. From the bands to the venues, everyone is has their own unique and esoteric ways. Yes, even the posers. We developed a program with an algorithm that uses Facebook posts, internet search results, and Twitter chatter to find out who is considered the biggest poser in your part of the country and the results were stunning.

It turns out that Eric Cooper is the biggest poser everywhere. No matter where you live, your background, or musical tastes Eric Cooper is unanimously the fakest punk in your scene.

 

Alabama

The small but vibrant Birmingham punk scene drew a caricature of Cooper in a urinal of the only punk venue so people can piss on him.

Alaska

Remember when Copper said he was going to ride the rails to Anchorage to work on a fishing boat but never did it and then pretended he never said it?

Arizona

Phoenix punks recount the time Cooper was staying with his grandma and put in a magnetic ear gauge, claimed to be from D.C., and knew Dag Nasty.

Arkansas

The dude once posted in the Little Rock Craigslist looking at start a band influenced by Sex Pistols and The Ramones. What a fucking poser!

California

Cooper claims to have driven two days and nights to see Social Distortion play a secret show but it turned out he was just at his uncles house in Pomona.

Colorado

I mean, seriously, what the wrong with him? He knows we see through all his bullshit but he just keeps on doing it.

Connecticut

Hes actually pretty good at guitar, too, but he doesnt practice enough. If he spent more time practicing and less time posting Propagandhi songs on r/punk I would respect him more.

Delaware

And then he tried to convince us that swing music was punk and Vin laughed at him until he cried.

Florida

Did you know he comes from one of those weird families that is obsessed with Disney? Like, they go to Disney World twice a year and make shirts for it and shit. His mom calls him Jiminy. Kelly Landrum, Orland

Georgia

He claims to have beat up a skinhead outside a house show in Atlanta. Dudes never been in a fight in his life.

Hawaii

Not for nothing but dont get him talking about coffee. He claims to get Kona coffee direct from a farm in Mauna Loa.

Idaho

His sister is legit hardcore, though.

Illinois

Remember when he tried to convince us that Steve Albini mastered his demo and when we called him out on it he pretended to get a text from Steve but it was just his cousin? Lauren Kargus, Chicago

Indiana

This one time he claimed that the University of...

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Saturday, 18 November

23:00

Driverless vehicles could cause accidents by obeying Highway Code NewsBiscuit

Trials of self-drive buses in London have revealed that they are a hazard on the road because they drive too carefully and considerately.  Critics claim that the Highway Code is rather like one of Shakespeares works, in that people only ever study it for an exam.  After the exam, it is totally ignored and only studied by weirdos, which makes it largely irrelevant.

Drivers will brake sharply in anticipation of a bus pulling out without warning and are shocked when one sits there indicating and waiting for a gap in the traffic, explained AA spokesman Ross Critchley.  And absolutely no-one expects any vehicle to actually give way at a Give Way, he added.

Strict adherence to the Highway Code is erratic and therefore perilous, Mr Critchley continued.  These vehicles need an increased level of irresponsibility, they need to act as if they own the road to a greater extent, and they need a more complete disregard for self-preservation.  Which is why we are calling for cyclists to get involved as consultants.

22:00

Street Fighter Character Not Enough of Racial Stereotype to Be in Next Street Fighter Game The Hard Times

OSAKA, Japan Capcom announced today that they will not be including the new character Valentina in an untitled Street Fighter game set to be released in 2019 due to the fact that she is a fully developed person and not a simple racial stereotype.

Game developer Junko Adachi, the creator of the character, was disappointed but unsurprised by the decision.

Valentina is based on real-life Mexican revolutionary Valentina Ramirez but people kept asking where her sombrero was, Adachi said. I knew she wouldnt make it in.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

It was a rookie mistake and everyone in the Street Fighter family goes through these growing pains, Project Lead Hozumi Eto said about the embarrassing setback. Even I had a character based around a famous Italian police officer from the 1970s. I was suspended two weeks without pay for not giving him a chef hat and a finishing move involving pizza.

However, others within the company were not so forgiving, as veteran developer Azami Okawa demanded Adachi be fired from Capcom.

She should be fired and blacklisted, Okawa said. This kind of progressive thinking that results in characters with true back stories will bring the entire franchise to an end. Street Fighter fans dont care about that; they want to believe that all Latinos are hot-headed, tribal people that have obtained the ability to shoot electricity out of their throats.

Capcom let Adachi go after she questioned if everyone in the building really thought all Indians can breathe fire, in a company-wide email.  

Adachi shortly found a new home at Square Enix but was immediately fired after pitching a fully clothed female character for a soon-to-be-released Final Fantasy game.

...

21:06

Er, I dont think thats Jesus The Poke

Spotted.

No, were not sure it is either.

Source

The post Er, I dont think thats Jesus appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

60-watt bulb ban to ruin prison cell feng shui NewsBiscuit

Long-term Feltham Prison inmate Dave The Chainsaw Butcher looks up at the shade-less light bulb hanging above his head. The circle is extremely powerful and encloses the inconspicuous after-effects of negative numbers, he explains. Which is why I havent stabbed anyone for a while.

When inside its difficult to fully harness the beneficial distribution of energy he continues. We have to make do with what we can. For example, water activates chi in a room and should be situated in the southwest for wealth and prosperity. Thats why my water feature is over there says Dave pointing towards the corner occupied by his slop bucket.

The shape of a 60 watt bulb can transform good combinations of energies into malignant ones or aggravate an already malevolent combination into deadly ones muses Dave thoughtfully before adding like when I stabbed that snitch Tony in the face eight times with a sharpened tooth brush. After pausing to use the bunk above him to extinguish his cigarette he continues which is ironic really because eight is a lucky number.

You see light symbolises the fire element and helps stimulate the flow of chi. Its important to me because out of the five elements of the Xuan Kong System fire is my most important element. It helps me maintain a balanced spatial and temporal harmony in my life. Which is why I have its symbol tattooed on my forehead says Dave pointing to one of many facial tattoos.

One must not wait passively for ones share of good fortune, but must actively strain to attain optimal spatial and temporal relations. After pausing to let the depth of this concept be absorbed he adds which is why I smashed Johns face in with a pool cue and stole his cigarettes.

A lot of the people around here dont believe in Feng Shui but its proven itself so many times. Like, for example, the southwest of a building signifies gossip, slander and minor accidents. And it just so happens that thats exactly where Pete had his little accident after he was slagging me off.

The main problem is that energy saver bulbs are wavy which is the symbol of water. Having two water features in here will create a destructive cycle of the five elements. Or to put it another way, take away my 60-watt light bulb and Im going to start the biggest goddam riot youve ever seen.

UnoEye

20:54

This Labour party Christmas card pretty much nails it The Poke

Although some people, you know, might need subtitles.

Come on people! (Click here if you need a reminder)

READ MORE

Theresa Mays car crash of a conference speech

Source

The post This Labour party Christmas card pretty much nails it appeared first on The Poke.

20:47

This looks fine now but wait until you see it animated The Poke

When you can make logos just TOO complicated.

Bet it was a pain the arse to come up with as well.

The post This looks fine now but wait until you see it animated appeared first on The Poke.

20:01

This doctors takedown of Jeremy Hunt will make you cheer The Poke

Heres Jeremy Hunt saying where he thinks the NHS should go next.

And heres a doctor telling the health secretary precisely what she thinks of that, and it will make you give a little cheer.

Hunts tweet was shared 27 times. The response from @doctor_oxford, the thick end of 5,000.

Heres how a handful of people responded.

19:35

US Navy pilot draws a penis in the sky and is everyones hero right now The Poke

Not since Top Gun have we cheered on a US Navy pilot with quite so much excitement.

Navy officials said it was absolutely unacceptable that one of their pilots used a jets contrail to draw a penis in the sky.

Maybe it was a call sign.

Or a tribute.

Heres what one local resident said.

After it made the circles at the bottom, I knew what it was and started laughing.

...

18:48

How Do I Tell The Fellas I Want To Stay In Tonight Without Looking Like A Coward? The Betoota Advocate

PETER SANDSHOE | Socials | Contact Telling The Advocate that he slept like a Stalingrad sentry last night, Sandy Dorematte said he needs some red meat and a good night sleep more than a night on the tiles. At a quarter to two this morning, the 29-year-old was playing BuckHunter in the Games Room of []

The post How Do I Tell The Fellas I Want To Stay In Tonight Without Looking Like A Coward? appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:31

Turnbull Formally Offers Gary The Goat A State Funeral The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Internet phenomenon and celebrity goat Gary passed away earlier this week, triggering an outpouring og grief around the world. Unlike the April Fools joke last year, the animal actually died aged 6 on Thursday night via euthanasia after vets diagnosed a bleed from an acute heart tumour. As Gary was arguably the most famous []

The post Turnbull Formally Offers Gary The Goat A State Funeral appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:46

Local Dad Compromises The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local dad has had to combine both of his responsibilities today in an effort to keep everyone happy. The first promise, which was made almost a week ago, to his mates as well as his obligation to his young family have been smushed together a local pub this afternoon. Its []

The post Local Dad Compromises appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:31

Maloney demands more money for Australia appearance The Fault Report

PREPARED TO DEFECT TO THE PACIFIC ISLANDS - MALONEY THIS MORNING.

PREPARED TO DEFECT TO THE PACIFIC ISLANDS MALONEY THIS MORNING.

 

NRL journeyman James Maloney has hit out at Rugby League World Cup administrators for not paying him enough money for his one appearance against Lebanon last week.

I just want us players to be getting paid what were worth, Maloney told the media this morning.

I was a key player in Australias dismantling of Lebanon the other night and I just feel my efforts should be better rewarded financially.

Maloney claims he is considering going on strike for the rest of the tournament, even though he was never scheduled to be selected in the 17 from here on in.

That option is on the table and is a threat Im prepared to follow through with if push comes to shove, a defiant Maloney stated.

The new Penrith half has also given his manager permission to negotiate with other countries playing in the RLWC, with a switch to Tonga a distinct possibility if Maloneys demands arent met.

Jimmy had a great aunt who once visited the island of Tonga in the 60s so he should be eligible to play for them if it comes to that, Maloneys manager told us.

FEEL THE FACTS RUIN MOST NRL PODCASTS? THEN WE HAVE THE SHOW FOR YOU!

newlogoaim1

 

 

10:55

Architects just hate people NewsBiscuit

The Royal Institute of British Architects (RIBA) have revealed that its mission is to erode the human spirit through the abuse of concrete.  De-programmed RIBA members have described secret meetings where architects plot the destruction of the human soul through the design of individual buildings, public spaces and entire neighbourhoods which drive people closer to despair.

Eric (not his real name) is a former member, now earns a living selling crystal meth to schoolchildren: It takes over your life, architecture.  You dont realise what youre doing to people, everybody thinks the same thoughts, believes the same lies.  Now I look back and Im ashamed, really ashamed.  At least with the crystal meth Im only killing people one at a time, know what I mean?  Im not taking out an entire generation.  And the kids probably wouldnt need drugs if they lived somewhere nice.

We all had to practice DoubleThink.  It became second nature.  Like youd design some grey, ugly, massive concrete vomit and wed all call it beautiful.

Our headquarters was a lovely Georgian mansion surrounded by parkland.  Over the doors theyd carved: UGLINESS IS BEAUTY. LOVE IS HATE. WAYNE ROONEY IS AN INTELLECTUAL.

It was really hard being there, cos the place had sash windows.  We werent allowed to even THINK the words sash window, if they caught you thinking about them it was electric shocks, rats on your genitals, everything.  So we drew straws when a window needed opening.

Wed hold a Two Minutes Hate every week.  A picture of Prince Charles would be projected to ten, twenty times life size.  People would spit, punch the screen, shout obscenities, it was wild.  The Two Minutes Hate is the only thing I miss.  I watch X Factor, which comes close, but Simon Cowells no Prince Charles.

Eric goes quiet:  You wont publish my name, will you?  They never give up.  They tracked one runaway architect all the way to Leeds and dragged him screaming from his Edwardian terrace.  He lives in a neo-brutalist bunker now, just rocking back and forth.  Another one disappeared, I think hes in the foundations of a new church.  He knew something about Coventry the German bombers never got near it, apparently.  It was a wartime detachment of British architects just needed a city to play with after the war.

Eric strides towards the sash window and shudders before throwing it open:  I can do this now.  Whenever I please.  Sash window.  Sash window. S a a a a sh window.  Ive written a song all about sash windows and cornicing.  Do you want to hear it?

As I drive home past dejected shoppers trudging through ugly streets filled with concrete I cant get the tune of Erics song out of my head.  What if hes the sane one?

10:22

Friend Now Living In Melbs Orders Croissant Without Ham Or Cheese, Like The French Do The Betoota Advocate

While out for coffee, visiting friend from Melbourne has turned heads today after ordering a croissant completely void of her usual ham and cheese, or as Sally Majcrowski (26)  referred to it: French style! Reports are emerging from her friends back home that Majcrowski could be on a health kick, noticing how she accompanied her []

The post Friend Now Living In Melbs Orders Croissant Without Ham Or Cheese, Like The French Do appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:30

Trump Hints at Moving in on North Korea Like a Bitch The Hard Times

WASHINGTON A leaked recording of President Trump suggesting using military force on North Korea like a bitch was released anonymously late Monday evening, the Hard Times has learned.

The audio revealed a private conversation between Mr. Trump and conservative host Sean Hannity on a Fox News bus in April of this year. Kim Jong Kim Rocketman and North Korea. Were going to move on them like a bitch, Trump said.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to questions about the tape this morning.

I think that should be more than obvious. I think you can figure it out, Sanders told New York Times reporter Natan Keyes when he asked for clarification. I think the bigger question is why Hillary Clinton didnt move on Benghazi like a bitch when she had the chance. They let you do that when youre Secretary of State.

Americans are largely outraged.

Related:

Well, fuck! Jesus Christ, fuck. [Trump] is going to get us all killed, said Justin Maillet of Somerville, Mass. I need to reconnect with my buddy, Tom. He built a fallout shelter in the woods back in high school. I hope I can ride this out.

The transcript of the leaked tape.

However, some Americans support the Presidents comments, including actor Scott Baio, who posted on Facebook praising the tape. Its about time we stand up to this nation of foreigners, the statement read. Whether the President is talking about military action or metaphorical sexual assault of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, I s...

02:53

This guide to buying stuff will be accurate forever The Poke

At least we think its a guide to buying stuff, rather than something specific, like phones. Either way.

Ha! Us too.

The post This guide to buying stuff will be accurate forever appeared first on The Poke.

02:27

Today, Total Wipeout. Tomorrow, the world The Poke

Are we sure this isnt just a bloke in a robot suit?

Okay, thats pretty impressive.

Happy Friday, everyone!

02:03

Frank Bruno giving advice to Sharon Horgan is an absolute knockout The Poke

This is a show we clearly should have seen more of, something called Celebrity Advice Bureau in which, er, celebrities give advice to other celebrities.

Heres Frank Bruno Dr Bruno giving advice to Sharon Horgan and its so good we cant stop watching it.

Horgans as good at keeping a straight face as poor Frank isnt.

Ooh sugar I thought this was supposed to be a sports show, but okay, okay Sorry, Im laughing at something else, no problem. Sorry.

His face at the end.

The problem is my flaps have flopped down and gone dangly.

Source

The post Frank Bruno giving advice to...

02:00

Couple rescued from Rhyl mud flats complain holiday ruined by firefighters NewsBiscuit

Wed walked the front, tried the pubs, been thrown out of the night clubs for being decently dressed, said Alan Smith after his rescue ordeal.  Then we noticed the mud flats brown, dank, flat and boring and realised that they were the best part of the town.  He said he and his wife Sandra ventured onto the flats and suddenly realised that their 5.50 a night holiday excursion wasnt totally overpriced after all.

When I lost my flip flop in the mud I was a little distraught, said Sandra, as that had been a gift from my nephew some years ago when hed outgrown it. But when I sank up to my groin in mud, with every movement driving me further and further literally into the mire I realised I may never see Rhyl town centre again.

It was a blessing OK, we were about to die a horrible death but at least we were responsible for it. I thought about dialling 999 once, but Im pretty low on my PAYG plan so thought Id leave it for the afterlife instead, said Alan. But now were safe and well in Rhyl town centre, he added before asking for the words safe and well to be omitted.

01:48

Trump Accused of Inappropriate Actions With Several Miners #Me*cough*Too Daily Discord

Montgomery, WVPresident Donald Trump is being raked over the coals today after allegations have surfaced of strip steaks, strip clubs and strip mining. A handful of coal miners are alleging the president had inappropriate contact with them since Novembers election. These allegations have muddied the waters, even by West Virginia standards. Trumps own string of presidential tweets today only added fuel

01:23

New Zealand PM lauded for perfect Trump comeback The Poke

Donald Trump had this to say when he met the prime minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern.

And this is what happened next.

As opposed to oh yes, we remember.

This is how Ardern described her encounter.

I was waiting to walk out to be introduced at the east Asia summit gala dinner, where we all paraded and while we were waiting, Trump, in jest, patted the person next to him on the shoulder, pointed at me and said, This lady caused a lot of upset in her country, talking about the election.

...

00:30

Activist Spreads HPV Awareness, HPV The Hard Times

LANSING, Mich. Activist and Human Papillomavirus carrier Trent Morgan has spent the last four years raising awareness about HPV while simultaneously spreading it to multiple unsuspecting partners, pissed off sources confirmed.

We met on Plenty of Fish. I thought his bio was interesting, said Laura Bergman, who encountered Morgan in April. We got drinks, and one thing led to another but then, I woke up next to a pamphlet about Podofilox, and I saw he blocked me on Facebook.

Morgan, a 26-year-old whose LinkedIn lists his most recent accomplishment as graduating from the School of Hard Knocks, acknowledged that not everyone agrees with his extreme techniques.

Look, Im a doer, said Morgan. People have always taken issue with uncommon methods of activism. People lost their shit when Gandhi stopped eating and fuck, you know? Im on my feet all day handing out literature about a disease Im rampantly spreading by night. Some guys would leave without saying anything, but I let these women know two things: that I have a severe latex allergy, and they should get a Pap smear.

All of Morgans former sexual partners reported theyd been completely aware of HPV and its side effects before encountering him.

Related:

At first, I was really upset, but you cant say his methods are ineffective, said Jacqui Moore, another woman whod spent an evening with Morgan. A year ago, I just had a casual knowledge of the disease now, Im basically an expert. Im in, like, three group chats about it. Well, theyre mostly for keeping tabs on [Morgan], but HPV comes up a lot, too.

Despite over one dozen women in greater Michigan registering formal complaints about Morgan, he remained steadfast in his work.

14 million people are newly infected every year, said Morgan. In fact, 100% of the girls Ive slept with now report having HPV. That is so fucked.

When asked about his plans for the future, Morgan expressed willingness to expand his scope.

People ask, how can I keep doing this to people? I cant walk away until this problem is addressed, said Morgan. I dont want to just stop at HPV, though. If my last round of medicals is true, Ill be leading the charge for herpes awareness, too.

Take a trip over to our virtual merch table:

...

00:00

I May Disagree with Your Bawitdaba Da Bang Da Bang Diggy Diggy Diggy, but I Will Defend with My Life Your Right to Shake the Boogie Said up Jump the Boogie The Hard Times

Never in history has the First Amendment been at risk more than it is today. From a president who openly mocks the concept of a free press to campuses that wont let noted intellectuals like Ann Coulter speak, its now more important than ever to speak out for our American ideals.

America is slipping, my friends, but we can do something. Its about time we stand together and say, unequivocally: I may disagree with your bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy, but I will defend with my life your right to shake the boogie said up jump the boogie.

We may not get each other. Whether youre a freak, a topless dancer, or a crackhead: you deserve just as much respect as a crooked cop or a bastard at the IRS. Dont let anyone tell you to turn down your music. Good men and women for hundreds of years have died for your right to pack your car with speakers. And God knows I know just as many heroes wearing a badge and putting in the hours on the beat as I do down at the methadone clinic.

Why then, is there such a gulf between us?

Related: New Kid Rock Album Served Between Two Fried Chicken Patties

 

Step Papa Roach a Little Younger and Cooler

 

Over the past 20 years weve all picked a direction and walked away from each other. We can hardly stand the sight of the horrors that are ravaging small-town America. It doesnt even matter if your veins are punctured, if you show up dressed a certain way, theyll throw you right out of an Applebees.

Who you shake the boogie said up jump the boogie with is no one elses business. Just be kind to yourself. At the end of the day, when you shake the boogie said up jump the boogie, all I ask is that you get in the pit and try to love someone.

 

Up Jump YOUR boogie with just buy our shirts:

Friday, 17 November

23:31

Gives a whole new meaning to Animal Hospital The Poke

Breaking news from the Metro newspaper, which reports that a man was taken to hospital after he got an eel stuck up his anus while he was drunk.

He refused to tell doctors how it got there.

Doctors said the Asian swamp eel had wriggled its way up the mans body and was causing a serious obstruction.

The eel a delicacy in coastal China was eventually removed from the mans body and he is now recovering in hospital.

The eel, removed at a hospital in eastern China, will be dining out on this story for weeks.

23:00

Mrs May safe and sound under house arrest by Zimbabwean Generals NewsBiscuit

Britains chaotic government needs order restored to it, which is why, now we have the Mugabe situation under control, we are taking over the British government. So said Major General Sibusiso Moyo after landing scores of Zimbabwean tanks in Dover in the early hours of yesterday morning, before heading to Whitehall, despite roadworks on the A2.

We have to save Mrs May from the criminals around her, continued Major General Moyo.  Especially the fat albino one and the oily squeaky one with glasses.  Many others in her government face legal proceedings or have fled, so regard this as a gentle offer of international aid, not a military coup.  Mrs May is safe and sound in No 10 Downing Street although we understand her husband Mr Philip Hammond may have fled to somewhere called The Isle of Wight.

In a joint broadcast with the A to ZBC Major General Sibusiso Moyo said to listeners in the UK and Africa:  It is my honour to save Britain from itself.  It is a land where sex greed and corruption have long run rampant, with a failing leader whose garish clothes and weak image in public tells the story of a dangerously vulnerable government about to enter into a catastrophic phase with its neighbours.  Meanwhile ordinary citizens are burned out of tower blocks and face unprecedented food shortages after migrant workers are being told they can no longer work on white-owned farms.

 

22:47

Doncaster council asks public to name its gritters and its todays best thing The Poke

Undeterred by all that Boaty McBoatface palaver, someone at Doncaster council thought it would be a good idea to do this. And youll be very glad they did.

Heres how the semi-finals went. Theres four of them, but, well, anyway.

22:32

This guy has read Michael Flatleys autobiography so you dont have to and heres the funniest bits The Poke

Enjoy this epic 45 tweet thread from @demarionunn who has done all this hard work of digesting Michael Flatleys terrible autobiography into digestible morsels just for you.

1.

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22:00

Bethesda Employee Dead After Attempting to Port Skyrim Onto Own Body The Hard Times

ROCKVILLE, Md. Bethesda Softworks employee Herbert Naples died today after attempting to transfer Skyrim, a popular fantasy video game, onto his body, according to sources close to the scene.

Naples heart stopped after surgically replacing it with the Cell microprocessor, a hardware component featured in the PlayStation 3 gaming console.  His colleagues called for an ambulance, but it was too late.

I just dont understand how this could have happened, said one employee, who wished to remain anonymous.  He seemed fine, delighted even, when his irises were projecting the towering stonescape of Markath onto our office wall.  We could hear the bustle of the marketplace emerging from the back of his throat, where we had installed the audio output.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

But he died doing what we all yearn for. Porting Skyrim to the final frontier: the human body. It was a noble sacrifice any of us would have made, said the employee to police.

The game did not run successfully in his body for long, however, and soon both Naples frame and heart rates had dropped to disastrous lows. He passed shortly after, leaving many Bethesda employees wondering if they shouldve approached the project differently.

Looking back, we probably should have consulted a doctor or something before we went for this, said Sylvia Brown, a developer at Bethesda.  Not every idea pans out but thats what game design is all about.  You experiment until you find what works, what resonates with the fans.

And sometimes you die. Thats the gaming...

21:01

Staff at London Underground have come up with a way to beat sadness try it and see if it works on you The Poke

We all feel pretty crappy in the morning, stumbling our way to work after a night fretting about losing our job and whether global warming will kill us all and whether that workmate remembers that thing we said five years ago which Oh just us then?

But if you are like us then London Underground has a way to cheer you up -as posted on Reddit by 7ddnmo give it a go and report back to us.

Beep? from funny

The sign reads:

How to cheer yourself up in two easy steps

1. Whisper beep beep to yourself.

2. Repeat until not sad.

Were intrigued if this works with other words so we wrote a quick randomiser to give it a go:

How to cheer yourself up in two easy steps (six random attempts)

1. Whisper Lancashire hot-pot to yourself. 2. Repeat until happy.
1. Whisper wheel rim to yourself. 2. Repeat until the sadness leaves.
1. Mouth bag of cement to yourself. 2. Repeat until not sad.
1. Mumble Wayne Hussey to yourself. 2. Repeat until the happiness starts.
1. Whisper tin of tuna to yourself. 2. Repeat until your spirits lift.
1. Say Terry Nutkins to yourself. 2. Repeat until the darkness fades.

Well were a bit happier anyway. Your mileage may vary.

Source: Reddit

The post Staff at London Underground have come up with a way to beat sadness try it and see if it works on you appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

New species of badger discovered with vital organs on the inside NewsBiscuit

Scientists have confirmed that a badger recently discovered in Somerset is a previously unknown species, being dubbed Meles meles, and only distantly related to the Meles Roadkillus variety often seen in Britain.

The specimen, captured by a local farmer, has some major differences to its better known relative. It has been observed walking around the laboratory where tests have been carried out, instead of just lying at the side of the road bleeding while being eaten by birds, and is also around a foot higher. More significantly though, it has most of its organs on the inside, rather than distributed over a 2-metre radius.

Evolutionary scientists have long been baffled by the more common variety, struggling to understand how a species had developed to survive while having vital organs spread over three lanes of motorway. So little was known about them that Bill Oddie, a keen badger enthusiast and famous beard-wearer, once spent a week in a specially constructed hide on the hard shoulder of the M25, in order to try to gain an insight into the feeding and breeding habits of this fascinating creature in its natural habitat. But the only one he saw never even moved.

The research team responsible for confirming the new species status is now hoping to cross-breed the specimen with its distant cousin.

Weve brought in one of the more common variety, on a shovel, and are hoping that the two will get on, said lead scientist Martin Burns. Were curious as to what a cross between them would turn out like, and are hoping that it would have at least two working legs, with lower liquification of the bones, and maybe be less smeary.

Were hoping that we can eventually get the numbers of the new breed up high enough to release them into the wild, near busy motorway junctions, as theyre a fair old size and should be almost as satisfying to run over as a fox.

20:31

Newsnight trolling the Sun over its BBC story is the best way to end the week The Poke

The BBC and many of its staff have already had their say over that Sun front page about literally several staff having a kip during their overnight shift on the BBC News channel.

Now BBC2s Newsnight has had a go.

Or, to put it another way.

In the unlikely event you didnt see it, heres yesterdays Sun front page.

Newsnight likes having a bit of fun every now and again. Remember this?

Oh, and this.

...

20:14

We urge you to remain calm. Article 50 has been revoked. Theresa May is safe and sound The Poke

Well, that was unexpected.

And it was retweeted by the man himself.

Remember when Huw lost the news?

18:51

What you should do vs what you actually do this chart about anxiety is 100% accurate The Poke

Instragrammer Mattsurelee also made a great chart about anxiety:

Tag someone who is bad at anxiety. (I tag me.)

A post shared by Matt Shirley (@mattsurelee) on Nov 15, 2017 at 3:30pm PST

And his graph about the things you love as your age is also extremely accurate (if youre a man)

I dont mean to alarm you, but there appears to be a direct correlation between Doing Absolutely Nothing and Crying for No Reason says elee0228.

Make sure you follow Matt over on Instagram.

Source: Reddit

The post...

16:00

Friends Of Tall Chick Sent To Make Inroads With Only Bloke In The Bar Taller Than Her The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A South Betoota man who is a fair nudge above-average-height has essentially just been told that hes a sure bet tonight, if hes keen. Despite having about as much personality as a broken Obike, the 29-year-old data analyst has been accosted by several friends of a tall chick. Hey where are you from? []

The post Friends Of Tall Chick Sent To Make Inroads With Only Bloke In The Bar Taller Than Her appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:29

CSIRO Releases Computer-Generated Image Of What Kurt Cobain Would Look Like Now The Betoota Advocate

STEVE KOLBY | Music | Contact Australias peaking scientific body, the CSIRO, has treated the world to yet another technological breakthrough this afternoon. Using a researchers MacBook Pro and Photoshop, the organisation says theyve been able accurately to predict what legendary musician Kurt Cobain if he were alive today. We spent all afternoon on it, said one public servant. []

The post CSIRO Releases Computer-Generated Image Of What Kurt Cobain Would Look Like Now appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:43

Youre All Whipped! Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nobody wrote back to his 2 pm message asking if anybody was about for beers this afternoon, so Chris Masters took matters into his own hands. The 29-year-old bachelor clocked out from his Old City district bespoke, boutique public relations agency at around 3 pm and walked straight into []

The post Youre All Whipped! Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:21

$54 Million Inquiry Finds Juvie That Tear Gasses Pre-Teens Probably Shouldnt Be Open The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Royal Commission into the Protection and Detention of Children in the Northern Territory has today found that a government institution that tortures children with solitary confinement and chemical weaponry probably shouldnt be allowed to keep doing that. The $54 million government inquiry, which was prompted by ABCs Four Corners report on the systemic []

The post $54 Million Inquiry Finds Juvie That Tear Gasses Pre-Teens Probably Shouldnt Be Open appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:59

Tongan World Cup Side Extend #RunItStraightChallenge To Chris Lilley The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After just coming off the biggest win in their rugby league history, Maa Tonga have today extended an invitation to one of their nations greatest enemies, prominent blackface comedian Chris Lilley. Following a thrilling 28-22 win over New Zealand, the momentum behind the proud Island nation has seen their status as a middling []

The post Tongan World Cup Side Extend #RunItStraightChallenge To Chris Lilley appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:42

School Of Hard Knocks Alma Mater Distance Themselves From Racist Former Old Boy The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an unravelling series of events, The School of Hard Knocks has been scrambling to distance themselves from graduate Barry Hodgson, in the wake of the 67-year olds inflammatory comments online. Between the hours of 10pm and 4am, Hodgson went on a Facebook rampage commenting on 412 total posts with such statements as []

The post School Of Hard Knocks Alma Mater Distance Themselves From Racist Former Old Boy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:28

Roy Moore campaign robocalling mothers for permission Stubhill News

Senate candidate Roy Moore looks to cover all his bases with robocall campaign.

11:33

David Pocock Begrudgingly Begins Googling Canberra Wedding Venues The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The likeliness of same-sex marriage being legalised before the new year has resulted in a collective sigh from the nations straight men who had successfully avoided going through the motions of an official wedding ceremony due to their political beliefs. However, with a 61.6% YES vote in the recent gay marriage postal survey, []

The post David Pocock Begrudgingly Begins Googling Canberra Wedding Venues appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

Post Office queues now measured in eras NewsBiscuit

A survey published today confirms that the average time you will stand in the queue at the Post Office is 46 minutes and it doesnt matter how many people are in front of you.

Speaking on BBC Breakfast retail analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains: You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with as few as two people in front of you, but that doesnt matter because statistically, 94% of the time in fact, the person currently being served is in the process of returning 11 parcels to Next, after which they will then tax their car and apply for a passport.  And just when you think theyve finally finished you hear Oh, and I just better get a book of stamps too so adding another three minutes to your wait.

And if only that was the end of it, but of course its not, continues Penny.  Youre one away from the window and the person being served is withdrawing money from their savings account. B ut things grind to a halt, statistically this time on an average of 89.6% for all visits, as theyve forgotten the pin number for their card.  They then hunt through their handbag as they have it written on a little piece of paper, dear.  It takes five minutes to locate the scrunched-up scrap paper and a further two for them to find their glasses.  However by now theres a glitch in the system and the person behind the window has to reboot the till.  So all of these kinds of incidents repeated across the UK means a national average waiting time of 46 minutes.

However, Brian Millar, an OAP from Bolton told Charlie Stayt:  There can be a lot of grumbling in the queue, but I dont mind it generally.  Once in my local branch when collecting my pension, I had to wait for three hours as two women were buying stamps for their Christmas cards.  It didnt really bother me though as it meant that I had to buy one less stamp for my gas as I didnt need to put the central heating on that morning, see?

Chipchase

10:22

Gang Of Youths Frontman David Leaupepe Receives Late Call Up To Samoan World Cup Side The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Media at Darwin airport today is abuzz with an unexpected arrival, as the lead singer of Sydney-based Alt-Rock band Gang Of Youths was seen wearing full Toa Samoa squad clothing and Beats headphones. David Leaupepe was spotted alongside other members of the Samoan national side, confirming rumours that the rum-swilling rockstar has thrown []

The post Gang Of Youths Frontman David Leaupepe Receives Late Call Up To Samoan World Cup Side appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:47

Shaun Marsh Posts Timely Reminder Of Compromising Pictures He Has Of Selectors

Western Australian Cricketer Shaun Marsh has used the last round of the Shefield Shield prior to the first Ashes test to remind Australian cricket selectors of the compromising pictures that he has of them.

What can we do, I mean we know he only averages 30 something in shield but those pictures could ruin us, said Australian selector Mark Waugh. Weve got to pick him.

At least when Shane Watson used to bribe us hed occasionally score some runs.

It is believed that when Shane Watson retired he passed down to Shaun Marsh the pictures he had of the Australian selectors.

Though the majority of Australian cricket fans are upset and angry at Marshs selection one man who stands by the batsman (whos not related to him) is West Australian coach Justin Langer who said: Shaun is a terrific cricketer and a great West Australian, therefore he should be picked to play for Australia. Despite his previous form and continued failing under pressure Shaun deserves another opportunity.

Now Shaun if youll please let my wife and kids go free as per the agreement.

The first test commences on November 23rd with the first ball to be bowled at 10:30 am and the first Sportsbet advertisement to be aired at 10 am.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

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