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Saturday, 23 September

03:12

Chris from Eggheads being voted off Weakest Link is everything youd hope for The Poke

Chris Hughes from Eggheads was the weakest link but was he taking it lying down? Hell no.

Whether you sympathise with him or think hes an arrogant twat is, in fact, a reflection of your deep-seated political beliefs. Oh yes it is!

See?

02:52

Trump to Jong-un: I know you are, but what am I? Stubhill News

Rhetoric between Dotard Trump and Kim Jong-un heats up.

02:52

This spoof horror trailer is the Wes Anderson film we really want to see The Poke

Wes Anderson has got a new film coming out, but the one we really want to see is this.

Glorious.

And just in case youre interested in the trailer for the real Wes Anderson movie.

Close, but no cigar.

Source

The post This spoof horror trailer is the Wes Anderson film we really want to see appeared first on The Poke.

02:38

No matter how rubbish your commute, its not as bad as what happens next The Poke

He could have slowed down but he had a train to catch.

Its a train passing through Nallasopara Station after heavy rains in Mumbai this month.

Source

The post No matter how rubbish your commute, its not as bad as what happens next appeared first on The Poke.

02:30

Photographer Taking Crew Pic Suggests Doing a Silly One The Hard Times

VACAVILLE, Calif. Amateur photographer Cindy Mendez encouraged her son and other stone-faced members of the Vaca Pea Crew to make funny faces and smile for the camera during their after-show crew photo, according to witnesses.

They just looked so serious. They need to lighten up a bit, said Mendez, a dental hygienist by trade. Theyre 17 years old and they look like a bunch of inmates. I thought it might be fun to do like a Charlies Angels thing, but none of them knew what that meant.

Drawing on a decades-long tradition of firm and unforgiving crew pics, the Vaca Pea Crew took offense to Mendezs art direction.

Ill stay down for my crew until I die, so these photos are no laughing matter. There is nothing silly about them, said Justin Mendez, an aspiring tattoo artist and son of the photographer. You know who smiles? The drama club. Do we look like actors? Do we look like were pretending? This is our life, and its real. Our crew photos need to reflect that were hard as nails and were going to be boys forever.

Noted hardcore photographer Wes The Chaplain Chapman was surprised someone would request a silly option for a post-show crew photo.

Related:

I just dont know what this lady is thinking, said Chapman. These kids put their lives on the line in the pit, showing support and watching each others backs. The ceremonial crew photo is no place for smiles. You take a knee, cross your arms, and throw a punch at the camera with your eyes.

Mendez admitted she jumps at any chance to apply her camera skills, learned at the local community center, to real-life situations.

I see all these cute wedding photos on Pinterest and I think to myself, I could do that But its much harder to get people to smile than you think especially a 17-year-old boy who listens to all that screamy music, said Mendez. I just wish they would loosen up a bit. The best photos are always the goofy ones.

Show your support for The Hard Times, take a minute to check out our online store:

02:21

Unforgettable proof that rolling over in battle is both practical and effective The Poke

We dont really know what this is and some of those outfits are verging on the alarming but this is simply glorious.

Our thoughts exactly.

Guess what? Theres more!

Source

The post Unforgettable proof that rolling over in battle is both practical and effective appeared first on The Poke.

02:06

Most devastating thing youll read about Theresa May this week (probably) The Poke

Most devastating thing youll read about Theresa May this week.

Ouch.

The post Most devastating thing youll read about Theresa May this week (probably) appeared first on The Poke.

01:17

Florence and the machine your 12 tweet guide to Theresa Mays big speech The Poke

Theresa May was in Florence to tell everyone exactly how Britain is going to leave the EU by March 2019.

Well, that was the idea. Instead, we got this.

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00:38

29 reasons we hope planet Nibiru smashes into the Earth and ends us on Saturday The Poke

Some conspiracy theorists think that on September 23 Planet X or Nibiru is set to smash into the Earth and wipe out all life. Here are 29 reasons why that might be a good thing.

1.

2. No more Nigel Farage.
3. Christmas adverts in September.
4. No more centrists vs left rows.
5. No more relatable content.
6.

7. No more socks with holes in them that ever so slightly cut your toes.
8. No more hot takes.
9. No more children who refuse to go to bed.
10. No more bits of thin ham that get stuck between your teeth for hours.
11. No more unexpectedly walking into cobwebs.
12.

13. No more estate agents.
14. No more people who think mustard needs to be kept in the fridge.
15. No more desperate 80s nostalgia.
16. No more catching your clothes on a door handle.
17.
...

00:30

Trump ripped-off my hairstyle claims Flock of Seagulls frontman NewsBiscuit

Donald Trumps hairdo has provoked a sensational and scathing attack from, Mike Score, frontman of 80s techno-pop band, A Flock of Seagulls. in a Vlog released last night he unleashed a foul-mouthed tirade against Mr Trump.

Trump is nothing but a plagiarist, declared the visibly rattled vocalist and multi-instrumentalist, Compared to my original hairdo his is nothing more outrageous than a short back and sides or crew-cut. My hair back then was pure bloody mental and was the talk of the music industry and that creosote-coloured tosser has simply ripped me off.

I ought to be POTUS and leader off the free world, not that twenty-four carat knobber! How can the world trust anyone who rates Ted Nugent! For f*cks sake, fumed the Wishing (If I had a photograph of you) singer.

It is believed that top celebrity lawyer, Artie Klempsteine, has been lined up by Score and a lawsuit worth $24,000,000 is about to be brought against the already beleaguered Trump, citing theft of image and intellectual property. Dave Shabdowski, entertainment reporter for Channel XYZ says, When this baby comes to court its gonna be the biggest global media event ever; even bigger than the OJ trial. Yessirs!

Trump was unavailable for comment. However, sources close to the president admitted that A Flock of Seagulls had helped improve the Presidents notoriously shaky knowledge of world geography, as he could often be heard muttering repeatedly I-Ran. So Far Away.

Chipchase, Hat-Tip to Rootin Tootin

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Friday, 22 September

23:01

Saudi school textbook withdrawn after accidentally using a photo of Yoda with the King The Poke

A social studies textbook used in schools in Saudi Arabia has been withdrawn after accidentally using a photo of King Faisal that had Yoda photoshopped into it.

(New York Times/Abdullah Al Shehri)

The photo is from the signing of the United Nations Charter in San Francisco in 1945, and the artist who created said he has no idea how it got there.

I am the one who designed it, but I am not the one who put it in the book, Abdullah Al Shehri told the New York Times.

Shehri, who goes by the nickname Shaweesh, mixes pop culture figures into historic photographs. Another in the series features Anwar Sadat, the Egyptian president assassinated in 1981, meeting Mickey Mouse during a trip to Disneyland and this shot of Darth Vader at the Paris Peace Conference in 1919.

The Saudi education minister has since apologised for the unintended mistake and had the books withdrawn. Which is quite frankly a shame.

22:47

What a dotard! 17 funniest responses to Donald Trumps new nickname The Poke

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22:41

This fork is very Italian The Poke

Some say that Italian is 20% words and 80% hand gestures its a country where even the cutlery will ask you whats your point?

Thankfully that makes it fairly easy for us non-natives to fluently communicate in Italian.

Its probably a lot easier than trying to communicate verbally.

The post This fork is very Italian appeared first on...

21:49

Taxi for Uber! Our favourite responses after cab firm loses its London licence The Poke

Its all over for Uber after the cab firms application for a new licence in London was rejected because of public safety and security issues.

Heres how people responded online.

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21:30

I am in the driving seat, says woman who keeps doing u-turns NewsBiscuit

Theresa May confirmed her continuing commitment to driving metaphors today, announcing that she had taken decisive action on Brexit by tying up and gagging that naughty overgrown schoolboy Boris Johnson and stuffing him in the boot of my car.

When we get to Dover, Ill dump him over the cliffs, assuming I dont have to make any u-turns off the A20 on the way. Its an open and generous offer. You cant get more strong and stable than that, can you, she continued.

Mays driving instructor, Len Jones, from Drive A Hard Bargain was not convinced, however.  This madwoman failed her driving test on countless occasions, mostly for not continuing in the same direction, and going whichever way the wind is blowing. In one lesson, we ended up in Thanet and nearly ran over Nigel Farage. She was always confusing the pedals. I kept screaming that I would have to apply the emergency brake, but she just muttered something about me putting a position paper together on it, and that Brexit meant Brexit. She shouldnt be allowed on the road, even as a learner, and she is a disaster waiting to happen.

Of course, wearing leopard-print stilettos and bondage gear whilst driving doesnt help much either, added Jones.

Dont tell anyone, but I have heard that after failing her latest test, she bribed a different Irish tester with 1 billion, and this seems to have done the trick in helping her stay on the road.

 

farmer giles

 

21:26

Hey Im Just Saying What Everyones Thinking, Except For Blacks, Jews, Immigrants, Liberals And Yankees Fans The Hard Times

Im at the deli orderin my sandwich, mindin my own business, and I notice the pair of tits behind the counter is bein real skimp with the pickles. So I POLITELY say, Hey dont go jewin me on those pickles! And this broad has the nerve to look at me like Im some kinda freakin retard or somethin!

Shit like this has been happening all the time in my day to day life and frankly, I do not get it. When did we become such a nation of pussies? Its like nobody can take a joke anymore! All these pansies wanna point their fingers at me and call me offensive but you know what? With the exception of blacks, Jews, immigrants (who dont fucking belong here in the first place), liberals, and those cock suckin Yankees fans, IM JUST SAYING WHAT WERE ALL THINKING!

Take my nephew Todd, or as Ive started calling him, Mr. Big Shot PC Culture. This 14-year-old kid is a total pansy. I buy this little prick a brand fuckin new Red Socks cap for his birthday, and I mean this is like a NICE hat you know, got the sticker, everything!

I want him to take good care of this fuckin Sox hats so I tell him, Hey you take good care of that hat you understand? Keep it clean, dont lose it, and dont let one of those black kids at school take it from you. And all the sudden just because I want him to take good care of his hat Im a fucking racist?! Give me a fuckin break, right? So, I turn to my brother and I says See, this is what you get when you dont hit your kids! and now Im a backward-thinking, ignorant, drunk?!

Get the fuck outta here, Im just saying the things every single person on the planet except for the above mentioned groups, ethnicities, and probably all women are thinking. Lighten up! Laugh a little!

Related: If Im Such a Racist Then Why Do I Have So Many Prepared Responses to Deny It?

And dont get me started on the workplace today, Jesus! They got the PC police swarming over there harder than a jew on a nickel! After four years on the job, SOBER almost all the time...

20:30

Crust Punk Looking for Responsible Friend to Feed Bedbugs While on Tour The Hard Times

HOUSTON Local crust punk Shiloh Waters is still feverishly searching for a potential sitter for his beloved bedbugs while he is away on tour, witnesses confirmed earlier today.

Waters has been forced to find caregivers after his fellow members of Anti Plantar Fascists informed him they were not cool sharing their tour van with his colony of bedbugs.

I thought about calling my friend Sage, but last time he took care of my kiddos, everything he fed them was commercially-produced GMO blood. Im pretty sure Tilda Swinton Streep was poisoned and is now autistic, said Waters. And Fern would be a great sitter, but she says shes allergic to bedbugs, and wont accept the discarded EpiPens I foraged.

Desperate for any help, Waters allegedly contacted a pet resort in town to check on boarding.

Related:

Yes, we were asked to house hundreds of blood sucking vermin. Yes, we politely declined, said Riverside Pet Care facility manager Doris Klein. Im sure this man loves his pets, but I got bedbugs at an Airbnb in New York and had to destroy my luggage to make sure I didnt bring them home. So, yeah no thanks.

Waters even took to Craigslist, but only received one response.

I thought he was joking. He had a laundry list of instructions regarding the care of his little vampire babies. Apparently he has a cooler filled with bags of red blood cells, to be administered by mouth through a custom-made syringe, said sole responder Hannah Whitegrove. And, on top of that, he wants me to bathe them nightly and read to them from Pedagogy of the Oppressed and pay me in beer.

Waters later added he would appreciate any assistance available that meets his stringent list of requirements.

Pick up a shirt from The Hard Times today:

20:30

Cards Against Humanity Shoves Magic: The Gathering Into Locker The Hard Times

HIGHLAND PARK, Ill. Highland Park High School was rocked today by an appalling act of violence when Cards Against Humanity shoved Magic: The Gathering into a locker.

When asked How could you do something so cruel? Cards Against Humanity, the most popular kid in school and captain of the football team, simply responded: A micropenis.

Other students rushed to Cards Against Humanitys defense. When asked about the locker incident, student body vice president What Do You Meme? simply offered up, When ur shampoo says Damage Control but deep down ur still broken.

Head cheerleader and Cards Against Humanitys girlfriend, Exploding Kittens, refused to accept that her boyfriend could do something so heinous. When shown video footage of the incident in question, she refused to acknowledge the evidence, repeatedly saying, Nope.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Principal Munchkin was less supportive of Cards Against Humanitys role in the incident. For the last four years in this high school, all anyone can talk about is how great Cards Against Humanity is, like hes the cock of the walk. Hes so original! He goes there! He says what were all thinking! If you ask me, Cards Against Humanitys biggest problem is uhbreeding elves for their priceless semen. And frankly, Im sick of it!

Spanish club president Uno, when reached for comment, simply replied, Skip.

Magic: The Gathering, however, was disgusted by Cards Against Humanitys flagrant disregard for the rules. If hed given me a wedgie or a swirlie, that wouldve been totally fine. Everyone knows those are instants, they can be played any time. But shoving someone into a locker? Thats a sorcery, and everyone knows you can only play something like that during your turn!

What does this mean for weaker students, unable to defend themselves? What acts of bullying await the Yu-Gi-Ohs and the Digimons of the world? And what will it...

19:30

Homeopathic medicines proved to work, if repeatedly diluted in codeine NewsBiscuit

all down to homeopathy, said patients who survivedA new study from The University of Penge has shown that over-the-counter homeopathic medicines are proving surprisingly effective at treating pain relief when diluted to homeopathic levels using mainstream medicine.

A homeopathic pain relief medicine was used for the study. A single drop of this mixture was added to a 1 litre solution of a codeine pain reliever dissolved in water. A single drop of this was added to another 1L solution of codeine, shaken and the procedure repeated 14 times until only the memory of the homeopathic medicine remained within the codeine solution.

In double-blind studies, 300 students were hit with a rubber mallet and then given either a control sample of the pure homeopathic pain reliever or the solution that had been homeopathically enhanced with codeine solution.

78% of those who took the enhanced solution claimed to perceive an improvement in their pain within 20 minutes of taking the solution compared to only 45% of the control group. However it must be noted that 83% of the total group expressed feelings of anger and rage after being struck with the mallet and needed additional strikes to subdue. Four participants, all of whom took the control solution, were repeatedly struck again after 40-45 minutes when they became verbally abusive.

The conclusions are clear Homeopathic medicines are far more effective at pain control when diluted, to homeopathic levels, with a solution of codeine and, in addition, future trials should use a larger mallet.

19:29

Coming this autumn to a world near you (unfortunately) The Poke

In one corner 236 pounds of orange fury, versus a 286 pound paranoid insomniac. Who will win? Its a sure bet that it wont be any of us.

Or perhaps its more of a mental than a physical battle?

The post Coming this autumn to a world near you (unfortunately) appeared first on The Poke.

19:08

24 jokes that are so bad that they are good The Poke

Over on Redddit skip_lv23 is asking Whats a joke so bad its good? says over on Reddit.

Us personally? Well, Whats grey and comes in pints. An elephant. And, of course, Whats brown an sticky? A stick

Anyway, we read them ALL Reddits answers picked 24 of the best.

1

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldnt see that well.
Admiral_Burrito

2

Limbo champion walks into a barhes disqualified.
Suburbanslim

3

I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, its terrible.
PopeliusJones

4

If a sentence only contains a dependant clause.
frxyz

5

Whats green and fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell from a tree?

A pool table
kwcc24

6

What goes down but doesnt come up?
A yo
goatman2112

7

Do you know why, when geese fly together, one side is longer?
Wait for them to ask why, then say:
Because that side has more geese.
Storm_Bard

8

Knock knock.

Whos there?

To.

To Who?

*Annoying English major eyeroll* Uhm its to WHOM.
Caliblair

9

Whats ET short for?

Extraterrestrial

No its because he has little legs
surprisefaceclown

10

Tell someone you have a GREAT knock knock joke, but they have to start it.

Knock knock

Reply with whos there?

Enjoy the awkward silence as they try to figure it out.

nobedthrowaway

11

I told my wife I was going to build us a car out of spaghetti.

She said I was crazy and to stop making stupid comments.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
jkwolly

12

Whats Mozart up to these days?

Decomposing
BattyAccountant...

17:49

The Amazon review will make you want to buy a Casio Calculator watch right now The Poke

Theres no question that Casio digital watches are the best in the world. They go beep, they tell the time and they look rad.

Read this review spotted by Reddit user BlakeTrombone and nod along sagely:

Ethan, this is your mom. Call me. Im not happy with this purchase., says angeloierace.

And yet he gave it only 4 stars, writes WadaCalcium.

Source: Reddit

The post The Amazon review will make you want to buy a Casio Calculator watch right now appeared first on The Poke.

17:39

Kim Jong Un calls Trump a Dotard and the internet checks what it means and goes sounds about right The Poke

In news thats had people all over the world reach for their dictionaries Kim Jong Un has called Trump a Dotard.

But what does it mean?

An old person, especially one who has become weak or senile according to typing define dotard into Google.

Its absolutely not a concatenation of Donald and retard. Oh no.

The full quote being Action is the best option in treating the dotard who, hard of hearing, is uttering only what he wants to say.

So lets take the pulse of the internet, shall we, with the best 8 tweets:

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5.

17:27

Katter Begins Pre-Match Mind Games By Firing Adler Shotgun Into Shopfronts In Bondi The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Maverick North Queensland MP Bob Katter has flown down to Sydney today to support his beloved NRL Side. First stop, Bondi Beach. The sunkissed boys from the North Queensland Cowboys are living out yet another fairytale finals dash, but history shows they a late round match against Sydney Roosters is a curveball for []

The post Katter Begins Pre-Match Mind Games By Firing Adler Shotgun Into Shopfronts In Bondi appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:06

This letter about 53% of UK population not identifying as religious has gone viral as it makes a great point about Brexit The Poke

Congratulations to the increasingly entertaining letters page in the New European.

You lost, God! Get over it! Were taking back control! writes @Bowen_james.

Source: Twitter/@damocrat

The post This letter about 53% of UK population not identifying as religious has gone viral as it makes a great point about Brexit appeared first on The Poke.

16:51

Site Manager Gives New Apprentice Run Down On His One Game Of First Grade In The 80s The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Gosford-based construction site manager, Brucey (54) played one glorious game of football for North Sydney Bears in 1988. Alongside the likes of Les Kiss and Jason Taylor, Brucey could have been a world beater, but the politics of the club, and a few poorly looked after injuries held him back. Every single []

The post Site Manager Gives New Apprentice Run Down On His One Game Of First Grade In The 80s appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:50

Friday Afternoon Office YouTube Session Held To Ransom By Terrible Internet The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In what started out as just one bloke showing another bloke a YouTube video spiralled into half the office crowding around one computer each of them eagerly waiting their turn to suggest a cool video theyd seen recently. Productivity at Mitchell Gunn & Autofellatio, one of the French []

The post Friday Afternoon Office YouTube Session Held To Ransom By Terrible Internet appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:30

Someone was so bored at work they made an AT-AT out of sauce packets The Poke

This is just inspired. Many of us get pretty bored at work but has your boredom ever been so creative?

I like the ice added to make the Hoth scene more realistic., writes mac2810.

So this is why they never give more than one sauce packet, says omw2fyb.

Source: Reddit

The post Someone was so bored at work they made an AT-AT out of sauce packets appeared first on The Poke.

15:28

Local Girl Takes To Social Media To Thank Nearby Beach For Turning It On For Her The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local girl, Vita Ryan (27) has posted roughly 1,452 images to Instagram over the last four years, but none as special as todays. After travelling for the last year, the aspiring PR professional returned home to her native Wollongong only to be blessed with the best weather anyone has seen a long time []

The post Local Girl Takes To Social Media To Thank Nearby Beach For Turning It On For Her appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:29

Womans City-Bay Fun Run run cut short for 3rd straight year after copping a massive stitch outside her trackside house The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | CONTACT A buyers agent living at the 4km mark of the City-Bay Fun Run presented by Westpac, in the Adelaide suburb of Keswick, entered herself in the race under the impression she was going to make it all the way to the finish line this year. The young woman said []

The post Womans City-Bay Fun Run run cut short for 3rd straight year after copping a massive stitch outside her trackside house appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:04

Man Mercifully Falls Asleep Before Seeing Australia Lose Another Game Of Cricket Overnight The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Overnight, a local cricket fan says he drifted off to sleep before seeing Australia capitulate late in the piece against India last night. Thinking a good match was shaping up after the tourists managed to bowl India out for 252, Glenn Powell threw caution to the wind and said, []

The post Man Mercifully Falls Asleep Before Seeing Australia Lose Another Game Of Cricket Overnight appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:46

Dustin Martin Kisses His Lucky Trolley Pole Ahead Of Tomorrows Preliminary Final The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Iconic Richmond Tigers midfielder, Dustin Martin has revealed he doesnt shy away from supersition, particularly when hes staring down the barrel at a history-making premiership. The 26-year-old product ofCambelltown in Sydneys wild south-west says hes treating Saturday nights AFL preliminary final against Greater Western Sydney at the MCG just like he would treat []

The post Dustin Martin Kisses His Lucky Trolley Pole Ahead Of Tomorrows Preliminary Final appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:08

Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Hurricanes and Earthquakes TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, DC "I got tired of all these disasters upstaging me and getting all the press. It was time SOMEBODY stood up and did something about all these hurricanes and earthquakes EVERY YEAR! Well, now it will be illegal for that to happen. TAKE TH...

11:33

Tassie Protestor Says Abbott Was Lucky He Didnt Get Him With His Other Head As Well The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Tasmanian police will investigate Tony Abbotts claim that he was headbutted by a Tasmanian in Hobart on Thursday after the former Oxford university boxer, turned former prime minister lodged a formal complaint. However, Mr Abbott only made his complaint to police when they phoned him after learning of the incident via media interviews when hes slow-paced []

The post Tassie Protestor Says Abbott Was Lucky He Didnt Get Him With His Other Head As Well appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:15

Dazed Tony Abbott Lucky That Tasmanian Only Attacked Him With One Head

tony_abbott

Doctors say that Tony Abbott is fortunate that an irate Tasmanian was only able to headbutt him with one of his heads in an attack on the former PM in Hobart last night.

Tony could have sustained very serious injuries from a proper apple buster if his assailant had managed to connect with both of his heads, said Dr Bernice Derwent, chief neurosurgeon at the Royal Hobart Hospital. Fortunately were used to treating headbutt injuries in our casualty department, especially on windy days.

The debate about the SSM survey has been particularly divisive in Tasmania, where many voters have one head that wants to vote YES and another that wants to vote NO.

Allowing same sex marriage is a slippery slope that will end with people who arent relatives being allowed to get married, claimed Tasmanian senator Eric Abetz. Im especially against lesbians being allowed to marry. Last time I looked my atlas contained a map of the mainland and a map of Tasmania, not two maps of Tassie.

Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter

Come see the (un)Australians new live show Annus Horribilis at Sydney Fringe Comedy September 26th, 28th and 30th

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like u...

10:45

Soph Tells Showboating Blake To Pull His Fucken Head In And Stop Being A Halfwit The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Womens Issues | CONTACT Well after a spicy opening episode on Wednesday, Sophie Monk and her merry gang of toxic meatheads did not disappoint on the second serving. The blokes were in testosterone hyperdrive as they peacocked and weaseled themselves towards alpha status, by both undermining each other and also intimidating Sophie with their unwarranted []

The post Soph Tells Showboating Blake To Pull His Fucken Head In And Stop Being A Halfwit appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Harry Redknapp joins Brexit negotiating team for 350 million a week NewsBiscuit

Former football manager Harry Redknapp has landed a lucrative contract to help with negotiating the terms for Britains exit from the EU, said to be worth 350 million per week.

As if to underline Lib Dem leader Vince Cables assertion that he is too dim even for a childrens lego set, Brexit Secretary David Davis welcomed Mr Redknapp into his little club, just as so many stupid football chairmen have in the past.

We are delighted that Harry has decided to join us and Im sure he has the skills to do a really good job, the Rt Hon Mr Davis explained. He demonstrated a remarkable ability to negotiate an unbelievably favourable settlement during our discussions about his remuneration package.

Mr Redknapp has apparently already identified a few immediate targets. He is very interested in agreeing immigration controls to prevent the likes of Marco Boogers ever being allowed into the country again, and is reportedly keen to investigate whether any dodgy deals can be done with the barrow boys who work down at the Single Market.

On the other hand,  winding down the window of his Jaguar to give a quick comment to a reporter at Toddington services, Mr Redknapp admitted that he has a lot to learn as he knows nothing at all about overseas banking arrangements. Although it is understood that he has employed a highly-paid tutor called Rosie to help him with that aspect of the job.

Harry has also started to slag off all the current players in the process, saying that he will need to spend a bit of money in January to release a few and bring some in, including Nico Krancjar again.

However, his relationship with Foreign Secretary and avid Brexit supporter Boris Johnson is said to be blossoming, despite them appearing to have so little in common. Apart from their shared love for headline-grabbing, vacuous soundbites and their mutual over-riding self-interest, of course.

Midfield Diamond, Hat-tip to DavidH

06:19

Ben & Holly opening credits redone in the style of Game of Thrones The Poke

So yesterday someone added Game of Thrones quotes to Ben & Hollys Little Kingdom and it was a thing of wonder.

Today its time for the Ben & Holly opening credits, done in the style of Game of Thrones, and its even better (thanks to @31Itlolox for the tip).

READ MORE

Someones added Game of Thrones quotes to Ben & Hollys Little Kingdom

Source

The post Ben & Holly opening credits redone in the style of Game of Thrones appeared first on The Poke.

06:10

Trump Calls Nambia, Agrabah and Utopia The New Axis Of Evil Daily Discord

Tweet TowerSome of President Trumps more perplexing comments during his UN speech yesterday seem to have taken a darker turn. When asked to elaborate, Trump said, I have added Agrabah to my no-fly list. No more flying for Agrabah, on planes, or helicopters, or those flying carpets. None of that green energy shit on my watch. And Nambia has proven

06:06

Piers Morgan back at work after having irritating lump removed from his neck The Poke

Source

The post Piers Morgan back at work after having irritating lump removed from his neck appeared first on The Poke.

05:37

Best Twitter comeback youll see today The Poke

READ MORE

Heres another Jemaine Clement takedown

Source

The post Best Twitter comeback youll see today appeared first on The Poke.

04:05

A wonderfully Australian exchange of views on Facebook The Poke

Today Australia starts voting to decide if the law should be changed to allow same-sex couples to marry and this exchange of views on Facebook is very Australian. And by that we mean its full of swearing.

Heres some more subtle discourse from the land down under.

A handy reminder that in Australia, even pets have a filthy mouth (extra points awarded for the Vegemite blanket).

The post A wonderfully Australian exchange of views on Facebook appeared first on The Poke.

03:14

Donald Trump tells Africa: Congratulations. My friends cant wait to make money out of you The Poke

Had to listen to this twice to make sure we understood him right.

"Africa has tremendous business potential. I have so many friends going to your countries trying to get rich. I congratulate you."

It's so dumb it's kind of brilliant.

Source

The post Donald Trump tells Africa: Congratulations. My friends cant wait to make money out of you appeared first on The Poke.

03:03

Revealed: how the Daily Mail come up with their headlines The Poke

Ah, so thats how they do it.

Source

The post Revealed: how the Daily Mail come up with their headlines appeared first on The Poke.

02:57

The best Game of Thrones fight move wasnt actually in Game of Thrones The Poke

You might have to watch this several times to work out exactly what goes on.

And heres us trying the same thing.

02:50

Whos a good boy, then? The Poke

READ MORE

If youre into this sort of thing, then youll enjoy 23 faces in ordinary objects.

Sources

The post Whos a good boy, then? appeared first on The Poke.

02:39

Just when we thought people couldnt love Justin Trudeau more check out the socks The Poke

Seriously, look at them.

And it turns out its not the first time the Canadian premiers footwear has been inspired by Star Wars. These are even better.

And in this picture its not just his socks. Here he is taking the kids to the Landspeeder.

Anyway, back to those socks.

02:36

Lavaland Holiday Camp (1970-1970) Scarfolk Council


Lavaland was a holiday camp on the outskirts of Scarfolk built around an active volcano, which had been designated an area of outstanding natural peril.


It opened on the first of May 1970 and closed on the first of May 1970, a mere eight hours after opening, following a catastrophic volcanic event that killed nearly three thousand guests and could be heard as far away as the bowling green in Torquay.



The Council's Tourism & Leisure Department claimed that the tragedy was a freak accident that could not have been predicted. It soon became apparent, however, that the victims were people the council had previously tried, unsuccessfully, to evict from the town: children born out of wedlock, foreigners, the poor, people with lisps, and women with ideas of their own, among others.



02:30

Album Unfortunately Captures Essence of Jam Bands Live Show Perfectly The Hard Times

DENVER Colorado jam band Nebular Pollywogs released Galaxy of Koi last week, a studio album that fully captures their live show experience and has divided critics and fans on its artistic merits.

Dumb, surmised Bella Fonte, a Pitchfork staff writer who gave the album a 2.3/10 review. Just viscerally stupid. I dont think fans of this music should be welcomed by any decent society.

I cant believe my editors assigned me this, the review concluded. Im going back to school. Im not fucking doing this anymore.

However, longtime fans of the band gave mostly positive reviews.

It nails the live vibe. From the 40-minute bass solos to the 50-minute guitar solos it doesnt even matter if youre paying attention. The music is just happening, said Vermont resident Blake Tarrow. I can finally get the spaced out experience in my own home, without following the band across country in my Volkswagen.

The album, which spans just under seven hours and can be had as a five-disc CD set or 17-LP vinyl bundle, includes eight interpretively braided hemp bracelets corresponding to each of the albums eight songs.

Related:

Wog shows are a religious experience, man. I mean, Ive never had an actual religious experience, but Ive done a lot of drugs. And whenever Im on drugs at a Wog show, it just feels like Im the biggest Pope in town, said one fan, who identified himself as Merlin. And Im pretty sure the new album is long enough for the drugs to really take you to that headspace.

Unfortunately for Nebular Pollywogs, Pitchfork wasnt the only outlet to criticize Galaxy of Koi.

The fact that most of the albums lyrics resemble poorly regurgitated high school biology lessons is hard to overcome, said Rolling Stone music reviewer Andy Dolan. Listening to the song Photosynthesis Mosquito alone could kill a teenagers chances of getting into a decent college.

Nebular Pollywogs is also offering a line of scented candles for sale with the album to recreate the olfactory experience of each show.

Show your support for The Hard Times and pick up a shirt today:

...

02:26

6 songs that dancing Pennywise works incredibly well with The Poke

For someone known as Pennywise the Dancing Clown he doesnt have that many moves, but what he does have is the ability to perfectly compliment any song he dances to.

Heres six songs, from Take On Me to Rasputin, that proves this clown can dance to anything. Warning: contains Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex.

1. a-ha Take On Me

2. OutKast Hey Ya!

3. Village People YMCA

4. Rednex Cotton Eye Joe

5. Boney M Rasputin

...

02:24

When something feels really good but you know its really wrong The Poke

Source

The post When something feels really good but you know its really wrong appeared first on The Poke.

02:15

4 favourite scenes from Mrs Browns Boys The Poke

Thanks to @joeheenan on Twitter we can now relive our four favourite scenes from Mrs Browns Boys again, and again. And again.

1.

2.

3.

4.

Mrs Browns Boys can next be seen on BBC1 in about 20 minutes, probably.

01:41

When you ask strangers to buy your mate a birthday drink and it doesnt quite work out as planned The Poke

It sounded like the perfect birthday gift tweet out a picture of your buddy and the pub hes drinking in, and suggest complete strangers buy him a drink using the Wetherspoons app.

Except, ahem, people didnt use the app to buy him the drinks they were expecting. Oh no. This is what they bought him.

1.

2.

3.

01:13

This shop carpet is flat. Imagine how much fun it would be in a pub The Poke

Whoa!

Makes us anxious just looking at it. And were not sure its going to help them sell any more CDs.

Source

The post This shop carpet is flat. Imagine how much fun it would be in a pub appeared first on The Poke.

00:59

Guardian columnist who ditched trappings of modernity may be most irritating man alive The Poke

The search for peak Guardian is over now weve found Mark Boyles comment piece headlined I live a healthier life now Im free of the trappings of modernity.

If you didnt think he was serious about his pursuit, then check out the footnote at the bottom.

Anyway, back to the piece itself.

Yes, yes it is.

So whats everyone got the grump about? Maybe its passages like this.

The more concerned and curious inquirers often ask me what I would do if I got seriously ill. While the long answer is complicated and nuanced, honestly, I dont know The ambulance itself undoubtedly saves lives (including my dads). Yet deconstruct a single ambulance with its plastics, oils, fluids, copper, acids, glass, rubber, PVC, minerals and steel and Ill show you how to lay waste to the very thing all our lives depend upon: the planet.

Im very aware that Ive been blessed to be born without any serious long-term health issues, and that at 38 Im relatively young. That said, Im not convinced that its necessary to fall into such poor physical shape, as civilised peoples tend to do. My dad is almost...

00:30

Sean Spicer revolted by Corden kiss NewsBiscuit

The former Press Secretary has admitted that the nausea associated with being President Trumps mouthpiece, did not prepare him for the full horror of a snog from James Corden. Despite once having Trump oozing out of every orifice, Mr. Spicer admitted that only Mr. Corden had made him feel as dirty as a North Korean bomb.

Mr. Spicers TV appearance had initially appeared to be an all-time low for the Emmys in terms of taste, creativity and integrity but no one had factored in James Corden, or seen Lesbian Vampire Killers. Instead the after party became an aftermath of tonsil-tennis and Spicer slurpees, with fainting guests describing it as more stomach-churning than Cordens cringe-worthy interview technique.

Friends of Mr. Spicer say that he instantly felt sick in his mouth and in his soul while friends of Mr. Corden, just felt sorry for themselves. Remarked one observer, as he gagged: Swallowing Republican bile and regurgitating it over the White House Press Corp, is one thing. But its a whole other level, having James Cordens tongue down your throat.

Having gone from the Voice of Trump to the Spittoon of Corden, Mr. Spicer would be hard-pressed to find rock bottom, now that he has entered the Earths core of depravity. A friend defended Mr. Spicer said: Nobody wants to be an apologist for one of the worlds must derided individuals, but if its good enough for Cordens agent

 

 

 

 

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Thursday, 21 September

23:38

US TV anchors hilarious meltdown goes viral The Poke

Lawrence ODonnell, a presenter on American TV channel MSNBC, had a problem with people talking in his earpiece.

How big a problem was it? This big. Now the clip goes on for a while, but it rewards every second of your attention.

So much to enjoy, not least the way he switches between on-air professionalism and off-air fury.

Heres a few highlights.

Whats going on, why am I losing this, why dont I have sound? Whos asking for a Labor Day rundown in my ear? Goddammit.

Theres insanity in the control room tonight. You have insanity in my earpiece. Fuckin

Stop the hammering! Stop the hammering up there. Whos got a hammer? Where is it? Wheres the hammer? Go up on the other floor. Somebody go up there and stop the hammering. Stop the hammering.

Ill go down to the goddamn floor myself and stop it, keep the goddamn commercial break going. Call fucking Phil Griffin [president of MSNBC], I dont care who the fuck you have to call. Stop the hammering. Empty out the goddamn control room and find out where this is going on.

Fucking out of control shit. Jesus Christ. Crazy fucking sound coming in my ear, this fucking stupid hammering. It just fucking sucks. It fucking sucks to be out here with this out of control shit.

ODonnell later apologised on Twitter.

No need sir! We love it when our presenters are also human.

And heres a mash-up which is even better than the real thing.

READ MORE

If you like your TV news presenters to have a hard time, heres the night Huw Edwards lost the news.

...

23:14

Norwegian Air takes the piss out of American culture to sell bargain flights to America The Poke

Norwegian Airs latest ad campaign takes the piss out of American culture, specifically the clich of the doughnut chomping cop.

Were impressed that they got Kevin James from Paul Blart: Mall Cop to feature in the ad.

The expression on the face of the partner of the pasty-inhaling cop pretty much says it all....

22:28

Japanese news show uses this wonderfully odd collage in an item about Theresa May The Poke

When you think of word associated with Theresa May most people wouldnt say laughter thats not the case for the graphics department of the Japanese NHK show News Check 11. Make sure you have the volume up to really appreciate the hosts reaction

YouTubes automatically generated subtitles didnt help explain things either. Actually we dont want to know, these are perfect as they are.

Thanks to Mat for this great find.

The post Japanese news show uses this wonderfully odd collage in an item about Theresa May appeared first on The Poke.

21:50

Australian pizza shop adds their own message to an anti-same sex marriage billboard on their building The Poke

A pizza place in Tasmania hijacks an anti-same sex marriage billboard on their building to make a very important point.

It proved to be highly controversial

21:30

Police arrest Lidl till operative in London Tube bomb investigation NewsBiscuit

Police have confirmed that an employee of Lidl has been arrested in the ongoing investigation into the London Tube bomb attack. Initially we thought it was a lone wolf but now it transpires that the bomber may have had assistance, namely the provision of disposable bags at a discounted price of 5p, said the Chief Inspector heading up the enquiry.

Concerns have been raised about the ability of the disposable Lidl bags to withstand an explosion, with experts noting that currently no British Army ordnance is transported in Lidl bags for that very reason. The new Lidl Bag for Life, at 9p, in contrast, is widely recognised as being strong enough for eggs and a standard size bag of potatoes.

It is understood that the man who sold the bag also asked the bomber if he wanted cash back. Money laundering is a vital element of the terrorist process, so its likely hell be charged with that offence too, said the detective.

21:00

7 Werner Herzog Quotes to Let Her Know Youre a Wild Fuck Machine The Hard Times

So after weeks of duds and missed connections youre finally having a good date. You take her out to a decent restaurant, the conversation is flowing well, youre digging her, you think shes digging you, but how do you let her know that youve got the goods? Look no further than the words of the pussy professor himself, Werner Herzog! Here are the top seven existential contemplations from the Austrian filmmaker to show her exactly what kind of animal you can be in the bedroom!

The trees here are in misery, and the birds are in misery. I dont think they sing. They just screech in pain.

  • Subtext: What do you say we get out of here and head on over to my place? Women respond to confidence, so you know what? Just put it out there! Use this quote to highlight the ominous dread inherit in your environment and then maybe chime in with, Hey, I got some killer coffee back at my apartment.

Look into the eyes of a chicken and you will see real stupidity. It is a kind of bottomless stupidity, a fiendish stupidity. They are the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creatures in the world.

  • This one great because it can come up organically while browsing the menu, and itll have her thinking Wow, if he sees all of that in a chicken, imagine how creative he is sexually!

Do you not then hear this horrible scream all around you that people usually call silence.

  • Definitely wait till the check arrives before you drop this leg spreader because chances are youre going to get pulled into the nearest available coat closet for god knows how long.

Related: Fun Date Night Ideas Youll Never Experience Because You Date Band Dudes

I believe the common denominator of the universe is not harmony, but chaos, hostility and murder.

  • Nothing like a little pseudo-Nietzschean pessimism to let her know youre ready to go all night!

The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man.

  • In other words, Hey baby, no one else is watching, its just you and me spinning around on a marble in a cold indifferent vacuum, so lets do this!

Every man should pull a boat over a mountain once in his life.

  • This implies that you have done this, and who wouldnt fuck a...

20:30

College Students Fast Travel Ability Unlocked by Bottle of Tequila The Hard Times

GAINESVILLE, Fla. UF sophomore Michelle Stevens claims to have fast traveled to her dorm room after downing a bottle of Se Tiene Especial Tequila, following a long night of heavy drinking at a Theta-Alpha-Epsilon frat party last night.

Upon finishing the drink, Stevens was supposedly wrapped in darkness, only to wake up on her carpeted floor having lost all her gear except for her underwear 10 hours later.

According to those close to her, Stevens says her fast travel ability can bring her home from any on-campus party, be it a frat or in a neighboring dorm.

Ive spent my whole life walking home from events, but now its like, wow I can get home whenever I want, you know? said Stevens in an interview.  I would have stopped doing it if the parties werent on the other side of the campus. All the backtracking is just tedious.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Despite the clear gains of her new found ability, Stevens emphasized some drawbacks.

The Tequila bottle acts as a one-time-use consumable, so youll need to stock up if you want to do this regularly. You also cant carry any cash because apparently it costs all your money, she complained to the press.

Despite the glowing reviews from Stevens, sources close to the friendship state that Stevens roommate Marla Kraushaar is not as fond of the new fast travel ability.

As soon as she learned to black out, she seems to have lost the patience of walking home regularly. Now every night out ends with a bottle of Tequila and us having to carry her home while she shouts Fast Travel! repeatedly in between bouts of vomiting, said Kraushaar. She is missing out on the journey back home that is half the fun of going out to party...

20:30

Depressed David Blaine to Eat Never-Ending Breadsticks For Three Days at Untelevised Private Event The Hard Times

NEW YORK In a performance challenging the very definition of the word event, David Blaine will continually eat Olive Garden breadsticks for three days straight starting this coming Friday, according to a leaked schedule for the famed magician.

Blaine is no stranger to endurance challenges, having once famously encased himself in a giant glass tank of water for seven days. However, the Olive Garden challenge marks the first time Blaine has failed to promote one of his stunts in any way, shape, or form. Sources close to the illusionist confirmed the three-day ordeal will not even be recorded.

I have to admit, Im not 100 percent clear on the game plan here, admitted befuddled Blaine publicist Carol Rogers. He had to buy his own franchise and fully staff it to have a 24-hour store. Hes hemorrhaging money on this. Anytime I ask him about specifics, he just shrugs and says, Whatever. Im kinda worried about the guy.

According to rules devised by Blaine himself, he will have no more than five minutes to eat each individual breadstick. Once he has picked up a breadstick, it may not leave his hand until consumed, and once completed, he will have only 10 seconds to pick up another. Over the three-day breadstick marathon, Blaine will be given only one 40-minute bathroom break, and one opportunity to browse the dessert menu for 15 minutes.

Many in Blaines inner circle disapprove of the stunt, perhaps none more vocally than his physician, Dr. Craig Carter.

Related:

Nutritionally speaking, this will be the most dangerous thing David has ever attempted. I begged him to do that thing where he eats a wine glass as well to balance out all the carbs, but he wont listen, said Carter in a phone interview. Also, its kind of boring. Who wants to watch a guy eat bread? Like, whats even the payoff here? I seriously dont get it.

Not everyone close to Blaine has been so critical, however. No lights, no cameras, none of the pretences that cloud our experience. The performance will exist purely in the moment. Well done sir, tweeted longtime friend Leonardo DiCaprio. #BlaineStrong #Breadstrong.

If successful, Blaine will shatter the previous Olive Garden breadstick eating world record of 57 minutes and 45 seconds, currently he...

20:09

Polynesian Bouncer Shares Subtle Nod With Polynesian Pub Patron The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Two Islander men that have never met each other but might still know the same people have exchanged a unique and exclusive look, often shared by people of Polynesian decent when they recognise that they are both Polynesian. The two men have made eye contact at the front door of one of Betootas []

The post Polynesian Bouncer Shares Subtle Nod With Polynesian Pub Patron appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:30

BBC to mixnmatch old stories with new NewsBiscuit

updated, on the hour, every three yearsFollowing the success of its website, which takes visitors to old news items as if they were recent events, the BBC has decided to randomise all news coverage, with old events appearing alongside new.

The BBC believes in challenging itself, a spokesman said. The licence-fee payer deserves a service which is distinct from that offered by other news outlets CNN, Al Jazeera etc. One question we asked was : why does news have to be so new? Whats wrong with classic news?

The result is a sea-change in our style of reporting. If viewers or listeners just want to know about things which are happening now, they can switch to commercial radio or television. With the BBC they will hear about present events and past events at the same time. Were planning an exciting series of vox pop interviews about the sinking of the Titanic, followed by live coverage of its launch.

The possibilities are endless. The fall of Singapore, that cat being run over by a fire wagon, Jimmy Saviles OBE. Taking events out of sequence puts a completely fresh slant on what we mean by current affairs. Our guiding principle will be no hindsight. So, for example, coverage of every England football match since 1966 will be optimistic and dismissive of other nations.

Our racing tipsters are particularly excited about the prospect of getting it right occasionally. The next step will be reporting of future events. This might need a bigger licence fee.

18:00

REPORT: Partygoer drinking whiskey out tha [sic] bottle definitely not think about tomorrow The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A report commissioned by Australias peak scientific body has concluded that people who drink hard liquor straight from the bottle are definitely not thinking about tomorrow. Glenn Davidson, from the CSIRO, told our reporters that a number of problem binge drinkers were surveyed for the study and nearly all []

The post REPORT: Partygoer drinking whiskey out tha [sic] bottle definitely not think about tomorrow appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:44

These Seinfeld scripts written with a predictive text keyboard are both wonderful and will hurt your brain The Poke

A mob of my friends used the predictive text keyboard loaded with Seinfeld scripts to write this masterpiece notes @Jamieabrew over on Twitter.

If you want to play around with the predictive text stuff then this tweet is your friend:

Source: Twitter/@jamieabrew

The post These Seinfeld scripts written with a predictive text keyboard are both wonderful and will hurt your brain appeared first on The Poke.

17:27

There were more Elvises born last year than there were Nigels. Wonder why that is The Poke

The name Nigel has all but disappeared according to statistics for new baby names in 2016.

There were at most two Nigels born last year, but there might not have been any (to be filed under statistically tricky when the numbers are this small).

But even if it was two, it was still one fewer than the three baby Elvises born in the UK last year.

A little more conversation, a little less racism.

Find out lots more and search for your own name here.

The post There were more Elvises born last year than there were Nigels. Wonder why that is appeared first on The Poke.

17:17

This thread about an awkward middle-class British guy getting a plumber round has gone viral because its utterly gold The Poke

Guy Kelly is an actor and a comedian and hes been having trouble with is plumbing so called a plumber round and its created content of such gold that pretty much everyone is demanding you read it right now.

This is the first tweet:

And heres the rest, cut and paste into a block because embedding about 60 tweets would break the CMS. But please follow @Brainmage NOW, but first read his wonderful encounter with the plumber from HELL.

So. Twitter. Ive just had the plumber round. The bath had been leaking & there was a damp patch on the ceiling. We didnt know if it was the pipes or the sealant, so we brought in a pro

Like all awkward middle-class men, Im on the back foot when confronted by tradesmen. Dont know what to talk about. Drop my aitches. So I made him tea (milk, no sugar) and made small talk. Talked about the cats, about making wine. You know. Small talk. Halfway trough, the talk turned to nuclear war. You know me. Im a cheery soul, and Id already talked about cutting off Bourbons penis. Im actually writing a show about the Cold War, and how close weve come to armageddon
To what?
Armageddon
Oh, Armageddon

Twitter. I could hear the capital A. Well yes, you see, thats coming soon
Yeah, Im a bit worried. Especially with Trump in power
Oh. You dont like him?

...

17:14

Celebrate Liam Gallaghers 45th birthday with his 20 best quotes and insults The Poke

Happy birthday, Liam Gallagher!

1. On Mumford & Sons

2. On the Glastonbury Festival:

3. On Victoria Beckham

4. On Bono
...

17:00

Entire Plane Avoiding Eye Contact During Awkward Standing Part After Seat Belt Light The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that they arent going to be walking off the plane for at least ten minutes, every single passenger on the most recent Q683 flight into Betoota this afternoon are standing as if it is go time. With the taller passengers now cramping their necks as they remain jammed underneath the []

The post Entire Plane Avoiding Eye Contact During Awkward Standing Part After Seat Belt Light appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:31

No Ikea are not selling a toilet brush and calling it the Farage The Poke

Many people sharing this Ikea / Farage photo with the idea that its actually for sale.

But a quick search on the IKEA website and its actually a product called the BOLMEN:

And they have no product called Farage at all not even close.

Sadly the idea that Ikea are trolling Nigel Farage over Brexit is just too good to be true.

But this hasnt stopped sites like Raw Story running it without checking.


Source: http://www.rawstory.com/2017/09/ikeas-toilet-brush-holder-inconspicuously-named-after-brexit-leader-nigel-farage/

Wed like it to be true too but it just isnt. Sorry.

Source: Twitter/@JamesMelville

The post No Ikea are not selling a toilet brush and calling it the Farage appeared first on The Poke.

16:13

Banana?!! No, no that name will just confuse people. The Poke

@Mr_mike_clarke over on Twitter has spotted this extraordinary supermarket bit of labling.

Bananas arent even a fruit theyre berries. Curved yellow berries! says @Solsjo.

Makes ya wonder how they describe strawberries. I vote for seedy red blobs. notes @Nonparieldolls.

Source: Twitter/@Mr_Mike_Clarke

The post Banana?!! No, no that name will just confuse people. appeared first on The Poke.

15:50

Australian Living In London Receives Care Package Of Aussie Foods She Never Really Ate When She Lived Here The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A homesick local woman living on the other side of the world received a care package from her parents earlier this week that contained a collection of Australian foods she never really ate when she lived here. Originally of Frogstomp Circuit in South Betoota, Angie Walnut made the move []

The post Australian Living In London Receives Care Package Of Aussie Foods She Never Really Ate When She Lived Here appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:39

Housemate Really Getting Into His Adult Movies By The Look Of Things The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A housemate that has skipped rent this week has only left his bedroom a couple times to fill up a large bottle of water. After six months of bachelordom, Lindo (28) has become more and more reclusive each day. Many of his friends and fellow housemates thought he might be slipping into a []

The post Housemate Really Getting Into His Adult Movies By The Look Of Things appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:20

Ken Burns Civil War documentary ignored the sacrifice of Steve Rogers Stubhill News

Revisionist "documentarian" forgets America's captain.

12:17

Soph Says Shes Chasing A Real Rip The Scab Off A Tin And Shoot Shit Type Operator The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The broad Goldie accent of Sophie Monk was in full flight last night as she attempted to navigate her way through twenty pissed blokes peacocking in front of her on the 2017 season of The Bachelorette. The former pop-star turned Australian media personality was spoilt for choice when it came to emotionally-stunted bachelors []

The post Soph Says Shes Chasing A Real Rip The Scab Off A Tin And Shoot Shit Type Operator appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:13

Perennially-Late Local Lebanese Bloke Appropriately Nicknamed Yalla The Betoota Advocate

NATASHA McCLYMONT | Local News | Contact If you want Sam Mousawi to be somewhere on time, tell him to be there an hour before you will. The 27-year-old South Betoota resident has a reputation for being late. So much so that his friends often joke that his nickname should actually be Yalla an Arabic term used to []

The post Perennially-Late Local Lebanese Bloke Appropriately Nicknamed Yalla appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:09

Local Man Becomes Target Of Shallow State Conspiracy

paranoid-man

A Wanda Beach man has been forced to go into hiding after becoming the subject of a campaign of harassment from very low level government employees.

Ever since I expressed the view at a barbie that Donald Trumps hair wasnt all that ugly Ive been the object of a conspiracy against me from a shadowy group of operatives from not very far within the apparatus of the state, said hand carwash manager Brett Merriwether. The postman pelts me with mulberries whenever he rides by on his little red bike, the librarian follows me around the library telling me to shush every time I make a noise and the dog catcher deliberately lets loose any sausage dogs he catches into my house rather than take them to the pound.

The CIA has much bigger fish to fry than Brett so weve delegated the task of bringing him down to elements that arent quite so deep state but are still quite annoying, said CIA director Antonio Prohias. Well see how long Bretts enthusiasm for Mr Trumps hairdo lasts once the guy who runs the eye test at the motor registry starts making him read the extra blurry line on the eye chart, or the rangers start hiding the Danger Crocodiles sign whenever he visits the National Park.

While not implicated in the Kennedy assassination or Watergate, the so called shallow state has claimed responsibility for such acts as denying Tony Blair a loading zone, supplying Gough Whitlam with a pricey estimated electricity bill durin...

12:00

Sign Language Interpreter For Trumps UN Speech Just Using Middle Fingers The Shovel

Experienced United Nations sign language interpreter Julia Marizo said her translation of Donald Trumps speech involved nothing but waiving her middle fingers in the air for twenty minutes.

I think it perfectly captured the Presidents speech, she said. At one point she considered getting a big fake penis and swinging it around in front of her, but said she preferred to reserve that for Mr Trumps more measured speeches.

Deaf members of the audience nodded along as Ms Marizo cycled through the various techniques for giving the finger from the up-in-your-face aggressive finger, through to the more subtle wind-up approach.

Mr Trumps aides later said the translation had captured the speech word for word.

11:28

Trump Vows To Totally Destroy Hurricane Maria If She Continues To Threaten The US The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT US President Donald Trump has warned that Hurricane Maria will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen if she continues to threaten the United States. In his first address to the United Nations, Trump derided the series of Hurricanes that have been devastating the Caribbean and Southern states []

The post Trump Vows To Totally Destroy Hurricane Maria If She Continues To Threaten The US appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:36

Man Conquers Machine As Local Brickie Snares Back-To-Back Features The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Jimmy Barnes stood in front of that burning canefield and scream his little lungs out, he was screaming them out for people like Bacardi Carter. Once just a simple man that broke shit up and threw it in a skip for a living, the ambitious 24-year-old soon hit []

The post Man Conquers Machine As Local Brickie Snares Back-To-Back Features appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:37

Mark Lathams Kids Explain Their Dad Thinks Twitter Is Actually Google Search The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Nigel Latham, the oldest son of Mark Latham has today apologised to both the family of the late Dr G Yunupingu, as well as the Australian public in general for the former Labor leaders offensive tirade of old white man thoughts. The 28-year-old homosexual saxophonist says his dads entire social media presence is actually []

The post Mark Lathams Kids Explain Their Dad Thinks Twitter Is Actually Google Search appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Kim Jong-Un outraged at latest UNs Garden Gnome sanctions NewsBiscuit

North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un is said to be outraged at the latest round of UN sanctions which includes a complete ban on the import of garden gnomes, requested by US President Donald Trump in New York today.

Reportedly an avid collector of gnomes, it is feared that the Dictator, after Dobbies Garden Centre, has cornered the Worlds garden gnome market. However, with UN inspectors being denied access to the region, independent verification has prove impossible.

Tens of thousands of troops are now expected to fill Kim Il-sung Square on Saturday with a display of the biggest garden gnomes that North Korea can muster. The enormous Gnome Parade will showcase the isolated nations defiance as President Donald Trump harnesses his own collection of garden gnomes at Trump properties throughout the world. Trump will call upon all US allies to do the same.

South Korean media sources say that Pyongyang has warned it is prepared to take the toughest action unless the US ends its garden gnome hysteria, with speculation that the North Korean leader is preparing to put his own favourite gnome, Mr Big Ears into orbit in the general direction of Disney World, Florida.

President Trump has now fired back with a ferocious Twitter storm saying, Let him bring it on. We are not scared of Mr Big Ears. No way. Billy Bob Baggy-Pants is ten times bigger and much tougher and will kick his house down.

In the meantime, the President has been busy requisitioning wishing wells, fishing rods and ornamental toadstools from his base supporters in preparation for an all-out strike against Pyongyang.

Its time to get serious. he told the UN Security Council.

08:45

Someones added Game of Thrones quotes to Ben & Holly and its magic The Poke

You dont have to be a fan of Ben & Hollys Little Kingdom, but it helps.

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Bravo, @joeheenan.

08:28

Donald Trump invents new African state of Nambia The Poke

To think he was doing so well at this lunch with African leaders.

And then came along Namibia.

Turns out he did it more than once. Dont forget to listen out for his killer last line.

Nambia. Great place, terrific people. Wanna build a Trump Tower there one day.

Source

The post Donald Trump invents new African state of Nambia appeared first on The Poke.

03:19

Unimpressed Mumset users roast a self described very slim person for bragging about their lunch The Poke

Hell hath no fury like people on the internet Mumsnet users are not impressed when a self confessed very slim person smugly details what they had for lunch.

There followed a roast, and not the chicken variety.

Its actually quite a tame post considering the depths of terror that Mumsnet sometimes reaches

The post Unimpressed Mumset users roast a self described very slim person for bragging about their lunch appeared first on The Poke.

02:30

Teen Tagging Overpass with Anarchy Symbol Must be Home by 6 p.m. or Else The Hard Times

HADDONFIELD, N.J. 13-year-old badass Aiden Christian spent Saturday afternoon skateboarding with friends and spray-painting the anarchy symbol on the Queen Highway Overpass before rushing home for his 6 p.m. supper and curfew, witnesses confirmed.

The self-described anarcho-punk and reigning 7th-grade spelling bee champion of Walt Whitman Middle School allegedly tagged the classic symbol while explaining his recently adopted ideology to his fellow skateboarders.

Society just, like, wants to control us, or whatever, Christian said, trying not to cough while puffing on the second cigarette of his life. Im not going to be a cog in, like, the machine. Wearing a corporate noose and stuff.

By 5:45pm, the stone-cold bad motherfucker began to panic that hed be late for dinner and raced home.

My mother will totally kill me if Im late again. Besides, Its taco night, said Christian after spraying his mouth with stolen Binaca. If Im late again, shell take away my computer for a week, which would totally blow.

When reached for comment, mother Laura-Anne Christian confirmed the importance of being home in time for dinner.

Related:

I know now that hes 13, he thinks he knows everything, but if he cant follow the rules of this house he will have to pay the consequences, said Mrs. Christian from her modest mid-century home. When he got a D in history class, we made him take out the garbage every week. If he thinks making us wait to eat dinner as a family will be tolerated, he has another thing coming.

Unfortunately for the no-fucks-given rebel who still sleeps with a night light, a Haddonfield Township police officer later identified Christian as the graffiti vandal.

Several shop owners in the neighborhood pointed him out, and after several minutes of questioning, I gently placed the child in my squad car and drove him home, said patrol officer Thomas Burke. I let him off with just a warning he was crying so much already, it was honestly really pathetic. I told him if I ever catch him again Ill tell his father, and he knows I will we golf together through the same Rotary Club.

Pick up a brand new shirt and show your s...

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Wednesday, 02 August

07:05

Man Discovers Secret to Retail Revival TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Who knew it could be so easy? One man has a unique solution to stop the onslaught of retail stores from shuttering their windows and locking their doors. He is formulating a follow-up plan to prevent tumbleweeds from rolling across barren mall pa...

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Tuesday, 01 August

22:34

Trump.com signs Executive Order making police brutaliity mandatory TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

After not being able to take Healthcare away from millions Trump.com is screaming and ranting at everyone in the Whitehouse. He has ordered immediate reprisals against all soft targets, particularly vulnerable groups that he couldn't strip he...

01:04

Trump.com new 4 Star General CoS declares Martial Law and Shoot to Kill - On Sight - all Leakers in the White House TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

With the White House leaking like the Titanic after head butting an iceberg the military has been called in to restore order. The new 4 star general just appointed CoS has declared marital law and authorized the use of deadly force against suspect...

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Sunday, 30 July

21:16

Ex US Military Transgenders always welcome at Jaggedone's "Nutters Beach Club!" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Newsflash from Jaggedone's "Nutters Beach Club" Sand in the pu$sy guaranteed! Just opened the doors for our weekend bash with Volga Olga performing live after we tie up her dangling, knee-knocking, boobs! They're a knockout knee-job! Our Ch...

15:15

Steve Bannon fired by Trump, schedules mystery appearance on...America's Got Talent! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In breaking news on CNN tonight, the network is reporting that an anonymous source has told Anderson Cooper that President Donald Trump fired Stephen Bannon this morning via Tweet. Thousands of Trump supporters who originally backed Trump because of...

13:33

Americant Airlines to double passengers per flight with THIS TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington D.C. - The Federal courts have cleared the way for Americant Airlines to use THIS new invention to double passenger payload. The Federal courts have cleared the way for Americant Airlines to use THIS new invention to double passenger pa...

11:48

Bank Robbing Tip 37: Don't Forget to Run in the Street Naked TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

As if we couldn't make this up ourselves, our attention unfortunately goes down to Florida the Sunshine State. The place where women run around in bikinis and the toughest decision one has to make is which beach to go to with your friends. A stat...

Saturday, 29 July

22:29

Rachel Maddow is the first to interview Donald Trump after he is impeached TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

YAZOO CITY FCC FEDERAL PRISON - In the sweltering heat of Mississippi, feeling a lot more like lying in Deep South boiling mud rather than its stagnant and fiery air, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Donald Trump sat inside the cafeteria of a federal prison...

11:09

After Bus Shortage Trump.com orders some el magnifico Under the Bus Presidential Cars to clear backlog. TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

After the reported shortage of available buses to be throwing Whitehouse staff under, Trump.com says he will solve the backlog problem with a more magnificent Under The Bus Trumpmobile The vehicle is said to have been designed by Tr...

08:12

Congress Is Preparing to Reject and Replace the Republic TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Congress had so much fun replacing, and reinforcing, then retaining the nation's healthcare system that law makers are considering doing the same for the entire country. The program will be called Wreck, Revise, Resurrect and Rollin' Down the River.

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