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Tuesday, 22 May

20:26

10 NSFW pics that prove Wanksy is the protest graffiti artist the UK needs right now The Poke

The UK is mostly made up of people fighting about how to fill a scone, discarded bunting, and potholes, or so it seems, and its not easy to get councils to do anything about the potholes. They may be too busy refereeing scone disputes. Thats why someone did this.

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This spray-painted penis drawing attention to a pothole in Pembrokeshire appears to be a one-off act of frustration, but might have been inspired by pothole protest artist, Wanksy.

Wanksy employed the same technique extensively throughout Manchester in 2015, building up a following and claiming credit for road repairs. Here are 10 of his NSFW creations.

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19:28

Trumps not met Kim Jong-un yet but theyve made a coin anyway. Our favourite 8 responses online The Poke

Theyve made a coin to commemorate Donald Trumps meeting with Kim Jong-un even though it hasnt happened yet and, you know, seems to get less likely with each passing day.

Not surprisingly there were several things about it that people found troubling. Here are our favourite responses online.

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19:22

We now go live to Brexit the 21 gifs that nail it best The Poke

Sometimes there just arent the words to describe the hilarity/tragedy/absolute necessity of Brexit (please delete according to your views).

Fortunately comedy writer and all-round good guy James Felton has a knack for nailing Brexit in a gif so no words are required.

Here are 21 of the most accurate.

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19:00

Ant McPartlin: Data collection phase of my PhD now complete NewsBiscuit

Ant McPartlin has completed the collection of primary data for his doctorate in philosophy, following 10 years of intensive, qualitative-based field work. The popular entertainer will now write up his thesis on Rationality versus emotion: a false dichotomy?, before heading to the jungle for Im a Celebrity Get me Out of Here in November.

The dominant paradigm in Western philosophical thought traditionally counterposes reason and passion but thats a crock of shite, revealed McPartlin. Yes, rationality and emotion are uniquely different aspects of the mind, but my argument, building on the traditions of Sartre, Heidegger and all those existentialist guys, is that the two are fundamentally connected.

McPartlin has gathered data from over 3,000 participants in their normal environment, whether that be swallowing a sword, or doing sock puppetry with their feet. Epistemologically, Im a social constructivist he noted, but unusually, Im deploying a highly structured research instrument. Its been a gruelling process. Everyone, without exception, has been asked exactly the same question: how, exactly do you feel at this moment; and what, exactly, does this mean to you?.

The emerging results are interesting, continued McPartlin. There seems to be this artificial disconnect people express to me between reason and emotion they cant believe the situation theyre in, but its everything they ever wanted. The exception was a dancing dog, who I actually had to disconnect from rubbing up against my leg.

Mcpartlin has been helped throughout by his research assistant Declan Donnelly, who will code up and analyse some of the data. Donnelly will start his own doctorate later in the year entitled Credibility: enhanced or undermined by the consumption of sheep testicles on live television?

chrisf

17:57

15 hilariously impossible body standards for women The Poke

The fashion and entertainment industries have rightly been criticised for promoting unrealistic physical standards for people, particularly women. While thats a very serious issue, these 15 pictures are as far from serious as it gets.

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17:24

Malcolm Turnbull Meets With His Electorates Remaining Working Class Voters The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being allowed into the change rooms at Moore Park, Malcolm Turnbull has today met with several of his own constituents that could be technically classed as members of the Eastern suburbs of Sydneys shrinking working class. With the Prime Ministers electoral boundaries ending just short of Maroubra, It is believed that majority []

The post Malcolm Turnbull Meets With His Electorates Remaining Working Class Voters appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:17

Mums Spag Bol Drops Out Randomly Without Notice, Telstra Confirms The Shovel

mums bol telstra

The spag bol that Telstra was referring to in its recent advertising campaign often isnt available, and can be missing essential ingredients, the company has confirmed.

In a statement today, Telstra said that the pasta dish mentioned was scheduled to take place every Monday night, but sometimes that was pushed out without warning to a Tuesday or Wednesday.

You know that old trusty spag bol recipe that your Mum has been making week-in-week-out for years? Thats not the type of spag bol we were referring to in this ad, the statement read.

This is more of a random throwing together of ingredients depending on whats available on the night. Sometime its ok, sometimes its barely edible. Occasionally it uses chicken mince.

16:13

This dad helped out on his kids school trip and its a hilarious tale of why thats never a good idea The Poke

Heres a chap called Simon Smith who thought hed do the decent thing by helping out on his daughters school trip to the Science Museum.

Next time hes invited he might hesitate to accept. Heres why.

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15:54

Single Mate Caught Out Trying To Wear Trendy Clothes The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bachelor has today been busted trying out hip new clothes, as part of a rebrand aimed at getting more attention from the women. Kyle ODonnel (26) has been quite single for going on 18 months now, and it appears the excruciatingly long dry patch has finally kicked him into gear. Friends []

The post Single Mate Caught Out Trying To Wear Trendy Clothes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:34

Mum And Aunt Joans Royal Wedding Bender Finally Ends The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Life has been a blur for two local women ever since Harry and Megan said I do. Mother-of-two Maggie Pearson and her sister Joan Rutherford have been three sheets to the wind for three days. Both of them have little to no idea what day it is; Joans erratic []

The post Mum And Aunt Joans Royal Wedding Bender Finally Ends appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:16

These kids Transformers outfits are the most amazing fancy dress youll see this (or any) week The Poke

Seriously, its not just better than the movies (which we presume isnt difficult) its better than the old TV show as well.

Sorcery!

Making us feel only a tiny bit inadequate right now.

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14:55

This mans son brought this teddy home and he now wishes he hadnt The Poke

Ah, thats lovely son. Does it make a cute noise? (Sound up )

Oh.

Source

The post This mans son brought this teddy home and he now wishes he hadnt appeared first on The Poke.

14:07

Man Apologises In Advance Before Introducing New Girlfriend To Family The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact Starting out as a string of late-night weekend rendezvous with regular healing weekday silence, a relationship between two city workers turned into something mildly more significant last Sunday as one of them met the family for the first time. However, just as they pulled into the driveway of a []

The post Man Apologises In Advance Before Introducing New Girlfriend To Family appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:34

18-Year-Old Orders A Chicken Pad Kee Mao Like A God Damn Grown Up The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local 18-year-old temp worker has today taken full advantage of the money she earns as an employee, by purchasing an exotic Thai meal on her half hour lunch break. Tessa Cooper is just a couple months in to her working gap year, where she plans to save up enough money to travel []

The post 18-Year-Old Orders A Chicken Pad Kee Mao Like A God Damn Grown Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:31

Queenslanders Receive Annual Reminder That Unsealed Timber Houses Can Get Pretty Cold The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the mercury dips to uncomfortably low numbers across most of the state, the proud people of Queensland are once again learning that they need to take Winter a bit more seriously. As the second-largest and third-most populous state in the Commonwealth of Australia, with tropical islands bordering both north and east, Queenslanders never []

The post Queenslanders Receive Annual Reminder That Unsealed Timber Houses Can Get Pretty Cold appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:15

OPINION: Why Jeff, The Purple Wiggle, Is Problematic For Narcoleptics Like Me The Betoota Advocate

GEOFF OVERELL | Opinion | Contact I was only nine when people started calling me Jeff. For so long, I wondered why Id drift off to sleep in class or in the playground at lunch. No matter how much sleep I got the night before, it made little difference. So they called me Jeff. It wasnt []

The post OPINION: Why Jeff, The Purple Wiggle, Is Problematic For Narcoleptics Like Me appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:24

Wow: This Health Insurance Ad Features People Just Like You The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Famous for being stuck in its ways, the advertising industry should hold its head high today as a new ad for Health Insurance Betoota features every day Australians who are just like you! The 30-second advert serves as a kaleidoscope of private healthcare users and features a bi-racial family []

The post Wow: This Health Insurance Ad Features People Just Like You appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

As Britain sizzles Mungo Jerry hit slammed on all sides NewsBiscuit

A bitter row has broken out today calling into question the veracity and political correctness of the sentiments expressed within the lyrics of Mungo Jerrys iconic 70s chart-topping smash hit, In the Summertime.

Physicist, Dr William Glynn, says: Im afraid its time to debunk this classic as being nothing other than nonsense. Take for instance the opening line In the Summertime, when the weather is hot, you can reach right up and touch the sky. Well now, and not wishing to be seen as pedantic, but quite simply this is impossible. The average reach of even a tall person standing upright is about ten  feet. The sky goes on to infinity. So its a claim that is obviously complete nonsense.

And anti-drink driving pressure group, THINK, has added its weight behind the row. A spokesman commented: The lyric, Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find, is quite the most irresponsible thing I have ever heard. NEVER have a drink and a drive under any circumstances whatsoever. It is a shocking notion to condone, worse even than the dubious message often sent out by these Rappers like Doggy Snoopy-Snoop and Mr Thingymabob who glorify all kinds of nefarious and downright criminal behaviour.

However the songs composer and lead singer with the group, Ray Dorset, was quick to defend the bands position. He told BBC 6 Musics Mark Radcliffe; Were not bad people, Were not dirty, were not mean, we love everybody but we do as we please, when the weathers fine, we go fishin or go swimmin in the sea. Were always happy, lifes for livin, yeah, thats our philosophy.
After hearing Dorsets remarks Dr Glynn conceded: Well I suppose thats something. Fishing and swimming in the sea are entirely possible for most people irrespective of their height, and whats more, they are activities considerably less dangerous or illegal than drink driving, unless its at a Barrymore party.

08:15

Tony Abbott Acquires Power Station As First Part Of Glorious Five Year Plan

Beloved leader Chairman Tony Abbott has taken ownership of the Liddell Power Station for the people in the first part of a glorious five year economic plan.

From each according to his ability to produce greenhouse gas to each according to his need to be submerged in several meters of sea water, said the Dear Leader. The best way to stop the socialists like Bill Shorten from grabbing all of the private property is to grab it all for ourselves first.

Fresh from his 370 day long march from the wilderness of Warringah to Canberra, Secretary General Abbott also unveiled plans to improve the manners of the government by renaming cabinet the Polite-bureau.

Lumps of coal of the world unite, you have nothing to lose other than a boring life sitting in a seam deep under some picturesque bit of countryside, said Uncle Tony to cheering crowd of thousands of smiling peasants.

Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on...

05:23

So Dont Be Sad, As For Crisis, Conflict & Collapse, 2 Out Of 3 Aint Bad Daily Discord

Catastrophes are looming, so the rightwing distraction machine shifts into overdrive. What exactly are they trying to hide? Drumpfs first trimester will bring a constitutional crisis, an unnecessary war, and/or an economic collapse (two for three, or your security back!). Dubya started with an unnecessary war that resulted in a constitutional crisis. Then, during Bushs second trimester, he triggered the worst global event

04:21

Ken Livingstones quit the Labour party and everyones making the same joke The Poke

Ken Livingstone is resigning from the Labour party amid on-going claims of anti-Semitism against him.

The former London mayor has been suspended since 2016 in a row over allegations of anti-Semitism following comments he made about Hitler and Zionism, claims he has denied.

Heres everyone making the same joke, and who can blame them?

Well, not everyone.

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01:26

Excuse Me Miss, May I Have This Circle Pit? The Hard Times

Pardon me madam, have you got a moment? I hope I havent interrupted anything. Ive just been trying to work up the courage to approach you all night is all, and the boys just said this was their final tune of the night. So, please forgive me if Im imposing, but I thought perhaps youd care to join me in this circle pit thats just opened up?

I hope you dont mind if I tell you this, but I noticed you earlier this evening. Maybe it was my imagination but I couldve sworn we locked eyes, just for a moment. My friends said you were only looking at me because I was crowd killing everyone in sight, but those gents always give me a hard time because they know how sensitive I am. Maybe Im old fashioned, but I just want to meet a nice girl that I could ride off into the sunset with on a horse made of converse and settle down somewhere and start a little cassette label or something, I dont know.

Oh sheesh, there I go again. This Til the Day I Die, tattoo on my cheek oughtta say Big Ol Softie, I know.

Related: I Missed Being in a Band, So I Started Dating Five People Who Hate Each Other

 

Well, what do you say maam? Ill even let you lead if youd like. It would be an honor to run around in a little circle with you for a couple minutes. Id have you back over here with your friends by the time they broke this shit the fuck down, you have my word.

Of course, if youre not the kind of gal that fancies a circle pit, I completely respect that. Honestly, I was waiting to see if they played a slow one, but Im starting to think Christ Plague doesnt have any slow ones. If youd rather just go get a drink somewhere, I have a couple beers in my backpack too.

The post Excuse Me Miss, May I Have This Circle Pit? appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:13

Inspired by the royal wedding this is the best idea for a TV show youll see all week The Poke

If someone doesnt make this, we will. Probably.

Its a hit. At least, it was with these people on Twitter who got to thinking what kind of stuff it might include. Ring any (wedding) bells?

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00:00

Harry applies to US for green card NewsBiscuit

A Mr Harry Wales has applied for a green card, which will allow him to live and work in the United States, an immigration officer in New York has revealed.

He appears to be qualified, the official said. He has an American wife and no criminal record, although we had some issues with his family name. The wife is gainfully employed in some kind of show business enterprise and he is familiar with firearms, so is likely to become a red-blooded American citizen. He himself could perhaps find work as a night-club bouncer, so we would not expect him to become a charge on our generous health and welfare systems.

The official added that Mr Wales had family connections that involved considerable wealth. Of course, we have to check that there is no RICO element here, but we have seen nothing to suggest that the assets were not amassed in normal capitalistic style.

Indeed, it seems that should Mr Waless grandmother, father, elder brother, niece and two nephews predecease him suddenly, he would be in receipt of substantial income, all of it taxable to the United States.

That would alleviate most of our National Debt.

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Monday, 21 May

23:55

VICE Writer Turns Windows 3D Pipes Screensaver Into Bong for Sick-Ass Article The Hard Times

BROOKLYN, N.Y. Reportedly running out of ideas, tech journalist Ben Henrik published an in-depth guide on how to make the pipes screensaver from a computer running Windows 95 into a totally gnarly bong.

Henrik made the dank-ass smoking device out of the classic procedural animation for the Vice-brand gaming publication Waypoint.

The bong grows at a constant rate and resets every few seconds, 35-year-old Henrik writes, Its very trippy and cost more than Vice paid me for this article.

Im a real-as-shit tech reporter, explained Henrik, who once had to beg his family to let him major in English at a private university.

Read More From Hard Drive: Guy Who Can Tell Difference Between 60 and 100 FPS Lies About Other Stuff Too

The report includes a photo of Action Bronson getting completely demolished off of a sativa-dominant strain called Bill Gates Sour Diesel. The colorful, self-generating bong in question can be seen with edges that are geometrically impossible in the real world, which help provide smooth hauls of that good shit.

The pipes screensaver came standard with Windows software to prevent static images from imprinting onto monitor screens, and it was discontinued with the release of Windows Vista or as the Henrik referred to it in his article, More like Windows BITCH-sta!

Henriks last assignment for Waypoint was titled I Took Mushrooms to See if They Make You into Big Mario like in Super Mario, marking a trend in drug-related tech articles for the self-described writing-artist.

The possibilities with Microsoft applications are endless, Henrik says, Imagine, like, huffing solvents in MS Paint.

During a follow-up Twitch stream addressing the Waypoint article, Henrik demonstrated how blue mana potions from Diablo II can be fermented into a fucking insane hallucinogen comparable to DMT.

The post VICE Writer Turns Windows 3D Pipes Screensaver Into Bong for Sick-Ass Article appeared first on The Hard Times.

23:35

This person didnt let a half-marathon put her off driving to work and this happened The Poke

When getting to work is not a sprint, its a well, have a watch for yourself.

People had questions, naturally.

But some people thought that, well, actually she might have had a point (could have executed it a bit differently though).

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23:30

Trans Person Crosses Street to Avoid Overly Supportive Liberals The Hard Times

PORTLAND, Ore. Local trans person Emma Nelson was forced to cross the street last night to avoid an ambush from well-wishing allies, whose constant aggressive affirmation of her gender identity often leaves her feeling objectified and exhausted, Nelson confirmed earlier today.

The second I see them, their eyes light up like a shark smelling blood in the water. It makes me feel like a piece of meat, said Nelson, having jaywalked across multiple lanes of downtown traffic. I know trans folks in other parts of the country have it way worse, but sometimes, I just dont need someone telling me Im beautiful.

Nelson later added, Its hard to complain about, because its a nice thing. But itd be even nicer if they just treated me like everyone else and didnt burst into deafening applause at me.

Nelson empathized with others who may find themselves in the same situation, noting that shes seen it happen to other transfolk, fat women who are owning it, and interracial Asian couples.

Sometimes it feels unavoidable like I should just space out and let them get it over with. I usually wear headphones or dark sunglasses and keep my hood up to kind of throw them off, said Nelson. One day, I tried to really dress down, and just went out in a baggy shirt and sweatpants, but that just encouraged them more. I got so many high fives for rejecting traditional femininity that my palm ached for a week.

Related:

However, local ally Lorraine Schrock sees things differently.

I just want her to know she is beautiful. Its a compliment! Whenever I see a trans lady on the street, I want her to know that shes an inspiration to all of us and I wont leave her alone until she knows it, said Schrock. I cant tell you how many trans people Ive chased down just to give them a big ol hug and let them know were watching out for them.

At press time, Nelson had turned down a small side street to a farmers market, where her entrance was met with thunderous clapping and shouts of, You go, girl!

The post...

22:21

Our 9 favourite takes on THAT royal wedding picture The Poke

People are still talking about *that* wedding. Admittedly, some of them are saying FFS stop talking about that wedding. Whether youre still enthralled or sick to death of it, you have to admit that its given us some great memes.

This shot of the couple in their carriage has given us these 9 jokes, for example.

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21:09

Daily Mail warns Meghan Markle not to get too carried away with this feminist business The Poke

This Daily Mail editorial was being interpreted today as a not so veiled threat to Meghan Markle and you can see why.

Dont get too carried away with this feminist business, alright love?

Heres what people made of it online.

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21:00

Sussex expected to collapse into lawlessness as Duke goes on honeymoon NewsBiscuit

The army is on standby after the Duke and Duchess of Sussex start their honeymoon leaving the county without leadership. The trouble is likely to centre around the wretched hive of scum and villainy known locally as Eastbourne which is expected to invade nearby Lewes in an attempt to capture valuable Ovaltine dealer patches.

Local warlords have stated that Brighton is safe as it is part of the Brighton and Hove regional authority and technically not part of Sussex.

An MoD spokesman said that, So far, the night has been quiet. This may be due to regional forces planning their move, or that the military logistics had been affected by the notoriously poor Sunday bus service.

20:52

Daily Mail reader royal wedding comments done as headlines and its everything youd expect and more The Poke

Heres the always followable @TechnicallyRon who has taken Daily Mail reader comments about the royal wedding and turned them into headlines.

They manage that rare feat of being delightful and depressing, surprising and yet utterly predictable (if you see what we mean).

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20:26

14 funny, clever and NSFW receipts that must have made paying up a little sweeter The Poke

Paying for stuff is absolutely the worst part of getting that stuff, so its always a bonus when a receipt gives you a bit of a laugh to take the sting out of it. These 14 receipts did just that.

Sometimes, a typo or abbreviation can make a receipt more entertaining.
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19:00

Bank of England reduces compliment-inflation on Britains Got Talent NewsBiscuit

The Bank of England stepped in today to reduce the value of feedback offered by judges on BGT, amidst fears that the inflation of compliments on the show had reached unsustainable levels. The final trigger for action came on Saturdays show, after David assessed of a man who burped lines from Shakespeare plays as hauntingly reminiscent of Gielguds Hamlet.

Interest rates are certainly at an all time low as I struggled to stay awake past the first ad break, noted Chief Economist, Helen Davies.  In this context, its perhaps no surprise that exaggeration, hyperbole and panic platitudes, have become rampant, particularly from Amanda.

In cases of hyper-inflation, people often turn their back on a currency, and place their trust in other commodities, added Davies.  On BGT, contestants have begun to ignore Aleshas feedback, and are focusing instead on the pat on the back and the pay-off line they got from Ant and Dec as they leave the stage for their self-actualisation.  Clearly in this situation, we have no choice but to step in.

In a series of tough reforms, a BGT compliment will now be worth one-tenth of its original level and will be pegged against a representative basket of feedback from other formats; including The Apprentice, Junior Masterchef, and the harshest Anne Robinson put-downs from The Weakest Link.

The Bank of England also announced that staggered standing ovations, where the judges rise from their seats in 5-second intervals, along with any other mock-shock displays, will now only be permitted for acts involving junior choirs with more than 50 members.  In the most severe and perhaps wide-reaching measure, the IMF have insisted on a 500% reduction in the number of double thumbs up gestures from Simon, as an act walks off.  In future, there will be a maximum of 25 of these permitted in each show.

The Bank has also called for Steven Mulherns Britains Got More Talent show to be axed, although this is thought to have nothing to do with inflation.

18:26

The additional instruction on this fast food order is the most heart-rending thing youll read today The Poke

When someone sent through an order for a pastrami and cheese sandwich with fries on the side to food delivery company, GrubHub, the additional instructions were both heart-rending and utterly relatable.

It said:

Just ruin me with fries, man. Straight up, the girl I like has been playing me, shes sleeping with 2 other security guards over at Ruby.

Im miserable. Im drinking this handle of Canadian Club, Im trying to get her face out of my head, and all this fat bastard is asking you for is to just FUCK ME UP with fries so I can drink and eat my troubles away.

Thank you, and have an awesome evening.

If thats just a cunning way of scamming extra fries, its genius and we hope it worked.

via GIPHY

(via)

The post The additional instruction on this fast food order is the most heart-rending thing youll read today appeared first on The Poke.

17:48

People are sharing things you should achieve by the time youre 35 and theyre totally on the money The Poke

You might have seen the news stories reporting how a financial investments firm advised that by the age of 35 we should all have saved around double our annual salary.

Yeah, right.

Which got people thinking, what else should we have done by the time we turn 35? The suggestions went viral because they are funny and so very true.

Here are 25 of the very best.

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17:15

Tony Abbott Secures Support Of Notoriously Swing-Voting Rugby Union Fans From Manly The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has won over a coveted voter demographic over the weekend, after footage emerged of him chugging a can of beer in front of the cameras. It is believed to have taken place from the hill, while the MP was politicin in the crowd at a Northern Beaches rugby []

The post Tony Abbott Secures Support Of Notoriously Swing-Voting Rugby Union Fans From Manly appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:57

This 21-second supercut is the only royal wedding souvenir you need The Poke

Everyone loved the royal wedding, right? Well, lots of people did and its important that we have a souvenir of all the most special moments of a very special day.

This just about covers it.

Almost perfect. There was just one person missing.

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16:35

Katie Hopkins said this about the royal wedding and here are the only replies you need The Poke

Try not to bother too much with Katie Hopkins but the replies to this were too good to ignore.

And here are the only replies you need.

A lot of people started doing this sort of thing.

16:34

Actor Dan Wyllie Cast As Dave Warner In New TV Series About Aussie Ball-Tampering Scandal The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Channel 7 may have the rights to this Summers cricket broadcast, but at least the Nine Network has the rights to retell the most dramatic Australian cricket story in modern history. In a new TV miniseries aligned with the iconic Underbelly Franchise, the 2018 Australian V South Africa Ball-Tampering Scandal will be brought []

The post Actor Dan Wyllie Cast As Dave Warner In New TV Series About Aussie Ball-Tampering Scandal appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:50

Man Who Had Cereal For Dinner Labels MasterChef Contestant Pathetic After Creme Brulee Fails To Rise The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A remarkably unpopular South Betoota man labelled a MasterChef contestant pathetic moments after her Creme Brulee failed to rise before the judges just hours after he had cereal for dinner. Nathan Dacleary, of Alison Road in Betoota Hills, told our reporters that he couldnt help but laugh as Maria []

The post Man Who Had Cereal For Dinner Labels MasterChef Contestant Pathetic After Creme Brulee Fails To Rise appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:01

Ambulances To Be Fitted With Blokes In TapOut T-Shirts To Combat Assaults On Paramedics The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The shocking rates of assaults on emergency staff in Australia has today resulted in state government action in both Victorian and New South Wales. Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has today announced that from next month, paramedics will be equipped with dodgy blokes named Caleb, complete with shitty tatts and a chesty TapOut t-shirt. []

The post Ambulances To Be Fitted With Blokes In TapOut T-Shirts To Combat Assaults On Paramedics appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:11

Account Managers Gather Near Water Cooler To Plot How Theyll Ruin New Creative Brief The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The greatest trick account managers ever pull is convincing the industry that they need to exist. Thats the opinion of four middle managers at the Old City Districts hottest new agency, Rusty Trombone, who told our reporters this morning that theyve just received a new creative brief from a []

The post Account Managers Gather Near Water Cooler To Plot How Theyll Ruin New Creative Brief appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:57

Soundcloud Rapper Shows Softer Side By Getting Bright Pink Handgun Tattooed On Forehead The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Soundcloud rapper from Betootas grimey French-Vietnamese Quarter has today proven to his hundreds of millions of followers that hes not just a one trick pony. Lil Cummie, also known by his other aliases of Yung Skase and Sir Don Milat, has only been making music for 18 months, but in that time he has already []

The post Soundcloud Rapper Shows Softer Side By Getting Bright Pink Handgun Tattooed On Forehead appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:22

What The Fuck Did Dylan Walker Say Lol The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NRL audiences are demanding answers regarding what exactly Dylan Walker said to Curtis Scott to make him fracture the Manly five-eighths eye socket with three clean blows to the face. The all-in brawl at the 58th minute saw the Manly v Melbourne match explode into life on Saturday, costing Curtis Scott a potential []

The post What The Fuck Did Dylan Walker Say Lol appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:38

Blame Game Begins As Local Sharehouse Misses Bin Night For Another Week The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The residents of Lower Holland Street in Betoota Hills were woken this morning by a very loud and public F-bomb as one sharehouse patriarch realised the bins didnt go out again. Damien Crozier, a French Quarter bartender, was said to be livid with his two other housemates, Julia []

The post Blame Game Begins As Local Sharehouse Misses Bin Night For Another Week appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:51

Prominent Sydney Lawyer Begins Transition Into Liberal MP By Saying No To A Line Of Coke The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An elite Martin Place-based finance reporter turned general counsel and secretary for a controversial banking institution has decided that his five-year-plan to enter Federal politics starts today. This comes after the 46-year-old experienced distressing heart palpitations and cold sweats during yet another weekend of binging illicit substances on one his divorced mates boats. James []

The post Prominent Sydney Lawyer Begins Transition Into Liberal MP By Saying No To A Line Of Coke appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Commoners told to tidy up before they go NewsBiscuit

Over 2000 commoners trapped inside the grounds of Windsor Castle have been told they wont be allowed to leave until the place is clean and tidy.  Those commoners who tried to get away a bit early to beat the rush found the portcullis locked and the drawbridge raised to prevent them from leaving.

One commoner who tried to exit through an open arrow slit was run through with a pike staff, while others who complained about being locked in were set upon by ravens, said one witness today.

The commoners were herded into the Round Tower where they were split into equal teams of two according to Palace insiders. One team was handed a roll of bin bags while the other team were given brooms and told no one could leave until the place was spotless.

Oh come onreally, quipped a man dressed in red breeches and a ruff collar, why do you think they were invited in the first place?  Do you honestly think they were here to enjoy the wedding?
Where have you been for the last 900 years?

08:47

New Zealand Offers Asylum To Australias Live Export Sheep

The New Zealand Government has reached out to Australia to offer asylum to any sheep affected by the cruel process of live exporting.

We think it is barbaric and cruel that these sheep are subjected to inhumane conditions then left on an island indefinitely with no hope of making it to Australia. Oh wait thats how you lot treat people, said a New Zealand Government Official. God knows what suffering you let the poor sheep endure.

Send us your Asylum seekers and your sheep we will love and look after both, like any half decent country would.

When reached for comment Minister for The Dark Arts Peter Dutton replied: New Zealand need to stay out of our business. We decide how we treat sheep and people and if they dont like it thats tough. This makes me so mad, now if youll excuse me Im off to kick a puppy.

Mark Williamson

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03:57

Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Workers Spatula Worker's Spatula

Peterson

Workers Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on Marxism and modernity, stating that Mr. Peterson feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his previous debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj iek, and does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent thinker who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a safe space around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Petersons model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a famous Canadian inte...

03:46

Is That Bald Guy Ian Mackaye? A Field Guide for Easy Identification The Hard Times

Weve all experienced it- maybe while walking your dog through the park or looking through bargain bin records at the thrift store, or maybe youre staring pensively into the middle distance thinking about what guitar pedal to buy next. Then, it happens: you spot a bald man who looks an awful lot like Ian Mackaye. But is it really Ian Mackaye? Ive compiled some helpful tips to locate and identify that wiley rascal.

Lights! Camera! Ian!

Ian is often being interviewed for documentaries about DIY music. If you spot a Documentary crew interviewing a bald guy, its likely that its Ian! BE WARNED THOUGH: If the documentary is about DMT or MMA the bald guy is almost certainly Joe Rogan. I do not recommend approaching unless you want your third eye pried open like an Arm Bar while listening to Joe scream about Horseshoe Theory.

Does He Look Tired From Doing-It-Himself?

Theres lots of bald guys in the world. However, Ian is well known for taking his DIY ethics almost insufferably seriously. Thats enough to tire anyone out! When observing the bald guy, look for dark circles under his eyes and glue on his fingers from staying up late putting together his own record sleeves. Does he look like maybe he got a good nights sleep and has millions of underpaid workers across the country? Sorry, thats not Ian. Thats Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos! Feel free to approach, but dont let him get to comfortable around you. He could move his company to your city and drive up the price of rent.

Related: I Lived a Week as Ian Mackaye and Found out Most People Dont Know Who That Is

 

How Much Of A Threat Is He?

Does the bald man appear to pose a threat to anyone around him? Is he an imposing figure? Are people actively moving away from him or nervous to approach him? If so, its definitely not Ian Mackaye. In fact, its Joe Rogan again. DO NOT APPROACH. Ian Mackaye is well known for being less of a threat. Like, a junior-level threat. Ian is a more of a threatening-but-not-as-threatening-as-other-types-of-threatening type.

Does He Seem Like He Might Suddenly Combine Major Elements of Different Genres, Ergo Creating A New Sound That Will Quickly Be Stolen And Commodified By Bands And Record Labels With The Sole Objective Of Making Money?

Sorry, thats actually Rage Against The Machine guitarist Tom Morello.

Location Location Location

Ian Mackaye goes a lot of places and you could spot him anywhere, but theres a few places where its more likely. Craft stores, DIY venues, and any store that sells Fedoras are a good place to start. Do you...

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Sunday, 20 May

23:30

Overbooked Get-Together Upgraded to Shindig The Hard Times

DENVER Local couple Keith and Laurie Hudson updated their party plans this past weekend when a simple get-together among friends quickly escalated into a full-blown shindig, according to several eyewitnesses.

At first it was just gonna be Laurie and I, plus Todd and Kimiko Peterson from down the street, said Mr. Hudson, throwing out a stack of paper plates. My wife wanted to just call it a hangout, but I worried that might be too casual. A get-together seemed to fit just right.

Those plans, however, didnt stay set for long, as the Hudsons and Petersons invited more friends which quickly pushed the guest list past 12, leaving the couple no choice but to call the party a veritable shindig.

Well, I certainly wasnt prepared for a shindig, said Mrs. Hudson, stacking a set of garden chairs. I mean, we can handle a luncheon maybe even a pot-luck, if Keith has time to make his famous bean dip. But the way folks kept showing up, we were on the verge of a full-blown mixer. We just dont have enough glasses for that.

Related:

Luckily for the Hudsons, the gathering levelled out at an informal soire although a brief appearance by their upstairs neighbor, Dan The Maniac Santorini, threatened to push the party into what he calls a motherfucking rager.

Dan really goes psycho at parties any party that involves the Maniac is guaranteed to go from a bash to a blowout to a motherfucking rager in what seems like minutes, every goddamn time, said a visibly frustrated Mrs. Hudson. Were lucky he saw the bread bowl and just called us all a bunch of pussies and left before things got worse.

Weve only ever had one motherfucking rager, Mr. Hudson somberly added, staring at a dark yellow stain on the living room carpet. And Dan is no longer welcome in our home.

At press time, Mr. Hudson had reportedly invited co-worker Daryll Howard and his acoustic guitar over next weekend for what analysts expect to be a sweet little jam-sesh by the fire pit.

The post Overbooked Get-Together Upgraded to Shindig appeared first on The Hard Times.

22:15

Donald Trump makes schoolboy error welcoming Melania back to the White House The Poke

Heres Donald Trump welcoming his wife home after she spent time in hospital for a kidney condition.

Close but no cigar (that was another president).

He got it right second time round.

We note that he never spells Stormy wrong.

The post Donald Trump makes schoolboy error welcoming Melania back to the White House appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

Painting squares around potholes almost as good as filling them in say experts NewsBiscuit

Specialists at the Department of Transport have confirmed that painting a white square around a pothole is 80-90% as effective as actually filling the hole in.

Amateurs or motorists, as theyre also known are obsessed with filling the holes in said one department spokesman. As if that would solve the problem. You can see why we call them amateurs.

The most important part of any pothole remediation we dont use the word repair, obviously just think of the connotations the most important part is the measurement and recording. How are councils supposed to keep accurate records unless they take frequent measurements and then paint white squares around the holes?

Britain now leads the EU in pothole administration, with some talk of a National Pothole Database to facilitate record-sharing between local authorities.

One popular misconception is that Britain has too many potholes. In fact we dont have enough, the spokesman said. The problem will eventually be fully resolved when the pothole density reaches 100%. At this point the roads will be level again, albeit just a few inches lower.

01:53

Woman Rescued After Getting Stuck In Revolving Door TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A woman on a shopping trip to the big city had to be rescued after she became stuck in a revolving door. Betty Smith was in New York for the very first time in her life, after living 74 years on a farm in Iowa. On a once-in-a-lifetime trip, the ol...

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Saturday, 19 May

06:20

Nashville Man Blows a Gasket TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

28-year-old Justin Drake of Nashville, Tennessee, recently blew a gasket when his girlfriend, Cara Shiley, yet again expected him to foot the bill this time for her fancy coffee drink. I lost my shit," acknowledged Justin, It wasn't pretty....

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Tuesday, 15 May

22:32

Mother of Two Wants to Recall Her Eggs TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Seattle, Wa - A mother of two was so disappointed with her children that she wanted to recall her eggs. They just didnt turn out the way I had hoped, she confided, after neither child called her for Mothers Day. All I got was a text from my...

Monday, 14 May

16:24

Man Knows Nothing About US Politics TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A writer on the satirical news website TheSpoof.com has revealed how he 'aches' to write a story on US politics, but is prevented from doing so by his complete lack of knowledge on the subject. Moys Kenwood, 54, says he knows who Donald Trump is,...

15:37

Bright Side Tired of Being Looked at All the Time TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In this age of visualization and positive thinking, the bright side of things has gotten more attention than ever and, in its own words, is getting a little tired of being looked at all the time. "Honestly, sometimes the constant focus on me get...

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