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Monday, 22 January

13:53

Learning To Drive: Mums Firm Grip On The Jesus Handle And Sharp Breaths Not Helping The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Keen to gain a little bit of independence, Cameron Frost chomped at the opportunity to get his learners permit mere hours after he turned 16. Now tasked with the challenge of learning to drive an automobile, the spritely fourth-formers parents have risen to the occasion and have spent the []

The post Learning To Drive: Mums Firm Grip On The Jesus Handle And Sharp Breaths Not Helping appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:29

I Wore A White Dress To A Wedding On Purpose And Lived To Tell The Tale The Betoota Advocate

STELLA SINCLAIR | Fashions | Contact Peggy Spudmann told our reporters that she attended a wedding on Saturday wearing a lacey white dress on purpose, just to see what would happen. Along with her polite but ultimately plain husband, Gary, they jagged an invitation to the wedding of a workmate of his so in Peggys own words, she []

The post I Wore A White Dress To A Wedding On Purpose And Lived To Tell The Tale appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:59

Tough Ct Getting Out Of Car During Road Rage Incident Hoping No One Calls His Bluff The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A man who gets kicks from intimidating people has possibly bitten off more than he can chew today, after getting out of his car during a road rage incident on Birdsville Development Road this morning. Andre Overton (31) has made an enemy on todays commute to work. And its an enemy that hes []

The post Tough Ct Getting Out Of Car During Road Rage Incident Hoping No One Calls His Bluff appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:58

Token Office Pom Suddenly Develops An Interest In One Day Cricket The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite being sheepishly distant during the Test series, a local English man has come out of his shell recently as the touring cricketers take out the One Day series against Australia. Pierce Thompson, a Birmingham-native, moved to Betoota just over four years ago to work in a bank, where he works with money. []

The post Token Office Pom Suddenly Develops An Interest In One Day Cricket appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

Solicitors in TV cop dramas end long running dispute with producers NewsBiscuit

TV cop show producers and actors typecast as solicitors were both celebrating today, after one of the most bitter and protracted disputes in British industrial relations history came to an end. A groundbreaking deal will see solicitors finally obtain more prominent speaking parts and plot development roles in police dramas. In return, solicitors have agreed to offer cameramen a wider set of facial expressions, and to reduce gratuitous note-taking during police interviews to 50%.

The current dispute has lasted over four years, spanning all three series of Broadchurch, Line of Duty and the Fall, plus an estimated 1000 copycat shows. Solicitor-actors began working to rule in 2013, after they failed to secure an equal amount of screen time in police dramas with forensic scientists, pathologists and quirky-but-likeable data analysts.

Our members have fallen behind over many years, forced to make a living from scraps of off-the-shelf lines, whilst being routinely mocked in scripts by sweaty desk sergeants, noted union representative Peter McDaid today. Forced to act out tired stereotypes like being called in at 4am after having no sleep. The last time one of our members appeared in a start-of-episode plot reminder segment was in a Touch of Frost in 1994.

Difficult industrial relations have hindered the industry since the 1960s, when an infamous productivity agreement decreed that solicitors should have no more than 3 speaking lines per episode. One of these lines had to include the words As my client has repeatedly argued, whilst another required the solicitor to advise their client to say nothing more, delivered in an exasperated tone, just as the suspect is about to admit guilt.

This fragile consensus served cop dramas well until the late 1990s, noted McDaid. However, high-profile solicitor showboating on episodes of The Bill, and the the rise of specialist legal dramas like Aly McBeal have hit our jobbing actor-solicitors hard. Most juicy lines and key plot devices for solicitors are outsourced to the big boys like Law and Order and Silk.

Our skills in summarising the last 20 minutes of plot after a commercial break are world leading, we just need to be given the chance to shine, said one actor-solicitor, delighted with the news today. Now, I suggest that you either charge my client, or if you have no material evidence, that you release him without charge, she added, gathering up her papers in a business-like manner and getting out of her seat. How was that? Do I win the part?.

09:48

Australian Tennis Fans Slowly Warming To Idea Of A Player Having A Personality The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Following an undeniable showing of maturity in his fourth-round encounter against Dimitrov in front of an enthralled crowd on Rod Laver Arena last night, Nick Kyrgios is proving himself to be a bit of a fan favourite. Kyrgios was beaten but not outclassed last night with the world number three triumphing 7-6 (7-3), 7-6 []

The post Australian Tennis Fans Slowly Warming To Idea Of A Player Having A Personality appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:33

Abbott Tips Sir Prince Philip To Be Named As Australian Of The Year

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has tipped Sir Prince Philip to be named as Australian of the year when the honour is announced later in the week on Australia day eve.

I think there is no better nominee than Sir Prince Philip he has done so much for this country and its time that we as a nation gave something back, said Mr Abbott. I also believe the public will really get behind Sir Prince Philip as Australian of the year as the Royal family is very popular you know.

When asked what Sir Prince Philip had done for Australia in the last year Mr Abbott replied: Well he did not visit the country which saved the tax payer a lot of money. As well his life inspired the show The Crown which has entertained a lot of people. Show me a better credentialed candidate for Australian of the year, I challenge you.

The head of the Australian of the year selection committee wasnt as confident as Mr Abbott in Sir Prince Philips chances, saying: Prince Philip did not make the shortlist Im afraid as he only received one nomination and is in fact ineligible what with him being British and all.

When told of the news Mr Abbott pledged that he would create his own Australia day awards system. Tipping Sir Prince Philip, Donald Trump and Eric Abetz to...

08:31

Obama Preparing to Flee United States Over FISA Memo Someones Bones

Disgraced former president Barack Hussein Obama is preparing to flee the United States to a non-extradition country in response to the potential release of a four-page memo linking him to severe violations of the Foreign Intelligence Service Act (FISA) of 1978. The law, which has been amended several times since 9/11, prescribes procedures for the physical and electronic surveillance and collection of foreign intelligence information between foreign powers and agents of foreign powers suspected of espionage or terrorism.

By Law, FISA allows warrantless domestic wiretapping for a period of one year, provided surveillance is exclusively related to acquiring foreign intelligence information that is solely directed at communications or property controlled by foreign powers. FISA does not permit the National Security Agency to spy wantonly on law-abiding citizens, American politicians, or political candidates, which is precisely what Obama did under the pretense of linking Trump to allegations of Russian collusion.

According to two well-respected sourcesa former Secret Service agent that worked for Obama and a current agent working for President TrumpObama authorized the NSA to illegally eavesdrop on private conversations protected by the United States Constitution. Obama took this action shortly after Trump won the Republican primaries, fearing that Trump might defeat his protg, Hillary Clinton.

Obama told the NSA the taps was to track Trumps communication with Vladimir Putin and the Russian mafia, said the former agent, even though they had no tangible evidence upon which to initiate the FISA clause. Even if he did, he grossly overstepped his boundaries by monitoring not only Trump but also his friends, family, and associates. They were desperate to capture any information that could have scuttled his presidential campaign.

If all information is accurate, the NSA tapped the communication trunk at Trump Tower, essentially allowing them to monitor all incoming and outgoing conversations in the buildin...

05:20

Shit! According to My Psychic, My Spirit Animal Is That Dancing Guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones The Hard Times

All my life, I have felt that my soul was resonating sympathetically with another beings essence. A spirit animal, if you will.

Perhaps my spirit animal could be a fennec fox, with its cute and distinctive ears, which would symbolize the cute quirks in my personality. Or maybe the great black bear, representing my fierce loyalty and need to protect the ones I love.

But my spiritual reality came crashing down around me when I finally confirmed the identity of my true spirit animal: Ben Carr.

What the fuck is a Ben Carr?

And thats exactly what I asked the psychic who apparently didnt know either. After a quick Google search I learned that Ben Carr is the dancing guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Shit.

Related: Its National Ska Day Today, and You Cant Prove It Isnt

 

OK, lets calibrate. My spirit animal is the full-time on-stage dancer of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I can accept that. I mean, Ben Carr seems like a totally fictional internet hoax but my older brother who was in middle school in the 90s assures me hes real.

Looks like Ill be selling all of my Lululemon yoga pants and Lilly Pulitzer maxi dresses before heading to Goodwill to get some checkered suits and pork-pie hats, I guess. This is my life now.

The psychic said she had no idea how it happened. She said she looked at me and it was just the impression that she got. Im still holding out hope that she was just fucking with me.

Silver lining, at least my spirit animal isnt a bassist.

Buy our t-shirts so we can afford to hire a guy to just dance next to us while we write:

04:30

Neil Peart Treats Himself to Big, Shiny Drum The Hard Times

TORONTO Legendary Rush drummer Neil Peart purchased one of the largest and shiniest drums on the market last night as a gift to himself for being such a swell fellow, sources close to the rocker confirmed.

This drum serves no real purpose. The thing is 12 feet wide and a nice mahogany wood color it definitely wont fit in his kit. Its basically a novelty item, said longtime friend Loretta Perkins. But once he decides he likes something, hes not leaving without it. We actually had a pretty good run: six months without renting U-Hauls for him. The last time was a 14-foot nipple gong.

Peart, however, claimed the drums size was not the only appeal.

Ive got a lot of big drums. But a big, brown drum? Didnt have that. And when I stepped back and thought about how shiny it is, its like heck, do I even have free will? I had to have it, said Peart. Plus, I wanted to give the drum a good home with lots of buddies. Theres no better place for this guy than my practice space.

Related:

Peart purchased his latest drum from the Mississauga drum shop Cymbalic, whose owner claimed Pearts patronage has been a bit of a mixed bag.

At first, customers were excited to see him. Hes a god, you know? But he doesnt talk to anyone, and usually just walks around inspecting things. Once, we had to give a customer a gift certificate because Neil ripped a snare out of her kids arms he didnt think the kid could treat it right. Hes like a crow, said shop owner Buddy Aldana. But his passion for drums kept us in business during the lean years. He once bought a pair of solid gold, diamond-tipped drumsticks with the money he saved by giving himself his own haircut.

Unfortunately, Pearts bandmates are nonplussed by the purchase.

Weve learned its best to let Neil do his own thing, said Rush lead singer and bass player Geddy Lee. What people should focus on is that the Jays cant compete in their division without another big arm in the rotation.

At press time, Toronto Police were responding to an incident at the Ontario Percussion Emporium. Peart has not responded to media requests.

The best way to support The Hard Times is to buy a shirt, so do it now:

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03:51

For Partial Government Shutdown Only Lincoln And Roosevelt Viewable At Mount Rushmore Daily Discord

National ParksylvaniaIf the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees,

01:30

Musician on First Date Checks Set List for Next Anecdote The Hard Times

PHILADELPHIA Guitarist Pete Leinbach reportedly stuck to his pre-planned list of hit anecdotes during a first, and likely last, romantic encounter at a bar in Fishtown this past weekend, his incredibly bored date confirmed this morning.

He seemed pretty interesting at first when I asked him about his day, he launched into this colorful story about a customer at a record store recognizing him from a show, said Kelsey Tanner, who met Leinbach on Tinder. But when I asked about his band, he transitioned seamlessly into talking about the tour he was just on for, like, 15 minutes. Thats when things got weird.

Waitstaff confirmed an increasingly wary Tanner nodded along as Leinbach weaved his way through an assortment of honed, vetted stories, conveniently highlighting his successes.

Pete? Hes in here a lot, said bartender Maria Byrn. Always seems to have a different girl with him. We all know his routine by now, and we try to help him out he means well, and he knows how to tip. But once that first bathroom break hits, Ive got 10 minutes before his story about rescuing a sea turtle while on tour in Florida. Thats when I go drop the check. He doesnt like when we ask his dates if they want dessert.

Related:

Tanner claimed Leinbachs grandiose tales ranged from different famous bands he opened for, to more personal ground with a stripped-down, unplugged number about his mothers recent cancer scare.

Every date I go on is the most important date of my life, said Leinbach from his car. I bare my heart and my soul in front of these women almost every night, and hopefully, that keeps them coming back for more.

While Tanner described the lonely 29-year-old as corny and sad, she ultimately wasnt entirely put off by the lackluster date.

Honestly, Im not sure why he went through all this trouble to impress me, said Tanner. Its Tinder. All he had to do was show up and look like his pictures. Im just trying to get laid.

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00:15

The NewsBiscuit guide to EastEnders NewsBiscuit

BBCs flagship soap, EastEnders, has enjoyed enduring popularity over the past thirty years, winning gongs and awards aplenty, and looks set to continue to do so for the next thirty.

But have you ever considered what makes the viewers tune in week after week? We sat down with the shows current creative director, Brian Templeman, for an insiders insight. Its a complicated one but broadly speaking there are a few key rules we like to follow, which if handled correctly, ensure  good levels of success. These can be broken down into five key areas, explains Brian.

  1. Storylines

Ideally these need to be controversial and preferably mired in misery, with week after week of hollow unremitting bleak despair. Murder, terminal illness and infidelity are all very popular and work well. Anglels on sexual dynamics are a good ratings winner too. Weve tackled most things over the years to be honest, but this Spring standby for major media uproar with our first foray into the murky world of Water Sports and before the watershed too when in a new plot Ian Beale goes off the rails big time.

  1. Characters

You need a good mix reflecting Londons contemporary cosmopolitan demographics. So we have families from all social backgrounds and ethnicities. Thats important to the shows writing team, because it allows them to then give characters all the normal stereotypical traits our viewers associate with them. You see, quite a high proportion of our viewers take The Daily Mail.

  1. Artistes

To play a great soap character an artiste doesnt have to be more wooden than Pinocchio, although if they are then that certainly helps a lot. So we have a policy that if we see anyone with real star potential shining through the dross, then we usually have them killed off before they get a chance to highlight just how bad the rest of cast is.

  1. Dialogue

We keep that simple. A bit like the average viewer. Audience surveys have shown that they cant follow anything remotely complicated. So we operate an SSS policy (simple sledgehammer scripts). Each scene has around only three lines and ideally just two characters. A typical example might be:

Character 1. All right, mate?

Character 2. Wotcher? Whas gahin on?

Character 1. Dunno. Mostly misery and that, anyway, gotta go. Laters

CUT to next scene:

The other stipulation is that male characters are only allowed to speak in a gruff and throaty half-whisper. As if theyve got terminal laryngitis, like Oliver Reed did in the musical Oliver. Danny Dyer has this down to a fine art which combines extremely wooden delivery with an almost uncannily accurate Reed impression.

  1. Have a cull every few years

Keep everyone on their toes by...

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Sunday, 21 January

23:17

Trump Crippled by Fear Of Sharks TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, D.C. - In an 2011 interview, Stormy Daniels, a porn star who at that time claimed to be a former mistress of Donald Trump, described Trump's fear of sharks. Although Trump publicly acknowledges only a "professional" relationship with Dan...

23:00

Boris bridge to ultimately link his Henley home and French summer cottage. NewsBiscuit

Boris Johnson was quick to distance himself from rumours that the new proposed bridge between the British mainland and France would begin from his driveway in Berkshire and end just outside his holiday home in Provence.

We are looking at all kinds of options and that is nothing more than a coincidence, the foreign secretary said earlier today. It just seems to make sense to route the bridge over the M25 as it can get so busy, particularly in the summer months.

He had recently been accused of trying to interfere in discussions over extension plans to the HS2. Proposing that it should in fact continue up to just outside his Scottish lodge, but only during the grouse beating months. There has also been talk of a major new linkway from the roof of his London flat and Val dIsere during the ski season and it is known that the Prime Minister had to step in to block proposals for a tunnel between his garden and summer bolthole on the Isle of White.

 

Barry Van Hire

22:00

CIA Still Sorting Through Sick Loot Dropped After Bin Laden Raid The Hard Times

WASHINGTON The CIA broke their silence on the amount of baller loot that dropped from the infamous Abbottabad raid that killed terrorist and final raid boss Osama Bin Laden, according to close sources.

Going in, we knew this raid would be one of the most difficult the U.S Government has ever undertaken, said former CIA director John Brennan. However, based on our previous success in hardcore raids like Overthrowing Leader in Third World Country, Silencing Dissidents, and JFK, I was confident our boys could pull it off.

That confidence wore quickly, however, when there was an issue with a helicopter early on in the raid.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I am gonna be honest, when I saw one of our helicopters go down, I thought we were not going to have enough time to heal everyone up and take down the objective, said Navy Seal Jordan Mencel. We only had forty minutes before the raid ended but luckily we had enough DPS to take him down in about two seconds on account of the fact we shot him directly in the head.

The aftermath of the raid led to a problem that surprised many of the participants.

Osama dropped so much goddamn loot the team could barely pick it all up. Thank God we had enough helicopters for them to mount up and ride back to town, said Pompeo.

At press time, Brennan announced the CIA would only be distributing the loot to various agencies through a council specifically tasked with doing so, while wearing a sick new camouflage jacket he picked up from one of the nearby crates.

21:40

Clintons 1st Year In Office Would Have Been Much Shorter, Trump Claims The Shovel

Trump

Donald Trump marked his first year in office this weekend, saying it was the longest first year of any President ever, and much longer than Hillary Clintons first year would have been. 

In a tweet to followers, Trump said his first year was huge. Just celebrated my first year the longest first year ever. It had some of the longest days weve ever seen. Very big.

Trump said Clintons first year as President would have been tiny. Under Crooked Hillary America never would have had a year this long. So small.

21:13

US Government Shutdown: Americans Surprised To Learn Government Was Previously Operational The Shovel

us capital building

Americans were stunned to discover that their Government had shutdown this weekend, having been totally unaware that it had even been functioning in the first place. 

That thing was a Government? one confused American said on hearing the news. I thought that was a TV show or something.

Others said the shutdown didnt make any sense. Im not sure you can shutdown something thats not even functioning, a puzzled voter pointed out.

Hang on, are they going to start governing? Is that what this is about? another questioned.

Asked how many people usually worked at the White House, a spokesperson said, About half.

20:14

Hottest Chick From High School Returns From Gap Year With Politically-Charged Rebrand The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Arguably the meanest and most socially influential girl from your finishing class at high school has returned back to town with a completely new image. Its has been reported by her former confidantes that Evie Peterson (20) is no longer interested in dating older guys with fairly good prospects of playing in the []

The post Hottest Chick From High School Returns From Gap Year With Politically-Charged Rebrand appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:08

Mans Passing Interest In Tennis Rests On The Shoulders Of Nick Kyrgios Tonight The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local self-confessed sports fans interest in tennis is solely dependant on how Nick Kyrgios goes tonight against Grigor Dimitrov. The fourth round clash between the titans has piqued Michael Rusts interest, as hes been following the controversial tennis star for the past few days. I thought Id tune in to []

The post Mans Passing Interest In Tennis Rests On The Shoulders Of Nick Kyrgios Tonight appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:39

New App Replaces Tennis Grunts With Sounds Of Toddlers Having Tantrums The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Viewers asked for it and now Australias peak scientific body has delivered. In the lead up to the Australian Open, Network Seven polled thousands of tennis viewers about what they either love or dont love about the tennis coverage. Close to 9 in 10 people said theyd be inclined []

The post New App Replaces Tennis Grunts With Sounds Of Toddlers Having Tantrums appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:32

The best signs from Womens March 2018 The Poke

Hundreds of thousands people took to the streets of cities all across the United States on Saturday, to protest president Donald Trump and his agenda.

Protesters broke out their most creative, funny, signs, including this episode of Black Mirror sucks one that read You Know Its Bad When a White Middle Aged Man Living In The Napa Valley Is Marching and another reading Ive Seen Better Cabinets At Ikea.

President Trump weighed in with a tweet that is certain to rile the tens of thousands of fired-up protesters marching against him across the country.

Trump tweeted: a perfect day for all Women to March. Get out there now to celebrate the historic milestones and unprecedented economic success and wealth creation that has taken place over the last 12 months. Lowest female unemployment in 18 years!

 

Lest take a look at the signs

 

...

19:31

Drones Find a New Career Opportunity TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

It happened when drones (y'know, those flying thingies of all shapes and sizes) read about one of their own that was able to rescue two teenagers from a rough surf in Australia. The drone provided a rescue for the swimmers in trouble by quickly throw...

18:27

Local Man Forced To Actually Wash His Hands After Other Bloke Walks Into Bathroom The Betoota Advocate

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT A Betoota man has been forced to do the unthinkable and actually wash his hands in a public bathroom today, after another man entered just as he was finishing and is now giving him a weird look. Michael Stevens, 37, has never been a big believer in washing your hands in public bathrooms, []

The post Local Man Forced To Actually Wash His Hands After Other Bloke Walks Into Bathroom appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:28

Temple Mount Destroyed: Is World Peace Imminent? TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

While world leaders gathered in a remote corner of that moose preserve known as "Canada" to discuss possible solutions to North Korea's nuclear threat, it appears that a North Korean Air Force general got an idea of his own. "We very sorry!" decla...

16:59

Mozzie Coils: They Dont Make It Fucking Easy The Betoota Advocate

A recent report into the user-friendliness of mosquito coils has found that the age-old manufacturer method of packaging 10 mozzie coils all intertwined with one another is just as fucking impractical as it has ever been. Australias dependance mosquito-repelling incense, usually made into a spiral, and typically made using dried paste of pyrethrum powder has been quite evident []

The post Mozzie Coils: They Dont Make It Fucking Easy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:20

Shock As Man Forms Opinion After Reading Entire Article Not Just The Headline The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Picking up The Advocate this morning, the front page made Phil Durham choke on his honeyed Wonder White slice. Kid A, he coughed. Now way in hell is that the best Radiohead album. Everybody knows its The Bends. A child would probably tell you its OK Computer or Amnesiac. Trust me, its The Bends, []

The post Shock As Man Forms Opinion After Reading Entire Article Not Just The Headline appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:28

Couple Watches Shawshank Redemption Again After Failing To Decide On What To Watch The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Get busy living, or get busy dying, said John McEnroe moments after Nick Kyrgios defeated Willy Tsonga to progress deeper and deeper into the heart of tennis glory. But after the broadcast ended, Marcia and Gresham Watson mutually agreed they werent tired enough to retire to bed. Gresham []

The post Couple Watches Shawshank Redemption Again After Failing To Decide On What To Watch appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

The deal of the art NewsBiscuit

Following the news that Britain is to part with 44 million to beef up Channel border security in return for a loan of the Bayeux Tapestry, a number of other similar measures are expected to be unveiled. The UK has asked for a fortnight lend of the Mona Lisa in return for helping France with a several billion Euro pay off for all their renewable energy plans. As well as giving some 76 million to bail out the National Bank of Spain, in return for a months worth of Picassos Three Musicians painting.

We suddenly realised wed been negotiating all wrong, said Dr Liam Fox, Secretary of State for International Trade. All these years weve been trying to get great deals with our European counterparts and then when the French offered us the Bayeux, it just all fell into place. We pay off everyones national debts but in return we get to borrow some amazing artwork.

Other deals in the offing are understood to be a 12 billion pound gift to the Italians to help sort out their migrant crisis in exchange for a weekend borrow of Michelangelos The last Judgement,  and the Dutch plan to loan us the Girl with the Pearl Earring in return for 88 billion. That deal nearly fell through, admitted Dr Fox, Until we offered to chuck in a fat bag of weed and a sack of Strropwafels. How we laughed. We properly saw them coming.

Meanwhile in a bid to secure a soft Brexit agreement during phase two of negotiations, the Prime Minister has given David Davis her full authority to offer a loan of Tracey Emins My Bed to the first EU country willing to stump up thirty quid.

Barry Van Hire

10:04

Conspiracy: No One Seems To Know How The Loo Got Clogged The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A question as old as time itself failed to be answered yet again in South Betoota today as local family, The Turners, cannot seem to figure out who clogged the toilet. Despite mum reminding everyone that no one will be in trouble for it, a culprit is yet to come forward. Eldest daughter []

The post Conspiracy: No One Seems To Know How The Loo Got Clogged appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:52

Drug Dealer Avoids Suspicion By Taking Customer For Slow Lap Of Block In Souped Up WRX The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Andrew Slang (33), a local cocaine and ecstasy dealer, has last night revealed to one his most loyal customers just how serious he takes his job. After roughly an hour turn-around between being contacted and arriving with the illicit substances, Andrew is not taking risks. That was pretty quick by me he says []

The post Drug Dealer Avoids Suspicion By Taking Customer For Slow Lap Of Block In Souped Up WRX appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:38

As Government Shutdown Looms, Look Whos Smugger Now Daily Discord

Some pictures are worth a thousand shutdowns.

05:30

BREAKING: Congressmen Scatter as Cops Show Up to Shut Down Government The Hard Times

WASHINGTON Police officers broke up a rowdy Capitol Hill gathering early Saturday morning after receiving noise complaints from several neighbors, multiple sources report.

Shit, I havent seen this venue so wound up since the Great Recession, or that time [Louisiana Rep. Steve] Scalise snuck a baby gator into session in his briefcase, said Roy Blunt, Republican senator, after deftly avoiding D.C. police. But like I used to say back in my state government days cant stunt on Blunt, baby!

Police reportedly apprehended six freshmen congressmen attempting to evade capture by authorities, including both the minority and majority whips, a few of whom were caught attempting to squeeze through the venues basement window.

This isnt the first time weve had to come out here and it probably wont be the last, said MPD officer Corinne Diaz. Neighbors say itll be three or four in the morning and these guys are still loudly trying to blame each other for something they are all involved in. People are trying to sleep.

This is a breaking news story. More updates to follow.

Article by Rick Homuth @rjhomuth. Photo by Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles.

The post <b>BREAKING:</b> Congressmen Scatter as Cops Show Up to Shut Down Government
appeared first on The Hard Times.

04:32

Feminist Pioneer: This Man Championed Free Bleeding More Than 30 Years Ago The Hard Times

Feminists have long criticized the way periods are portrayed in entertainment and media, but we actually have a cis man to thank for one of our most powerful forms of feminine protest free bleeding!

Thank you, Mr. GG Allin!

The Free Bleeding Movement was born as a response to Toxic Shock Syndrome in the 1970s (which is the name of a life-threatening medical condition, not a kickass punk band), but has since grown into a body positivity movement in which individuals who get their periods let them flow freely and without shame.

Now, GG Allin may not be a household name, but after stumbling upon him after mistyping egg allergy in a frantic Google search, it appears hes a proud progenitor of womens rights as a prominent free-bleeder at the birth of the movement.

Certainly no one more wholly embodied the no barriers ethos, as he famously eschewed any article of clothing, tissue, or hygiene product of ANY kind that might keep his blessed blood from flowing freely into the world without an ounce of shame.

Move over, Oprah!

Related: So Proud: My Poo-Covered Baby Is the Next GG Allin

 

Allins quest to normalize free bleeding is well documented in his music. For instance, his song Bloody Cunt Slider is very clearly a message encouraging others to go ahead and have sex with someone who is currently menstruating. Its totally normal and quite enjoyable!

Plus, we have Allin to thank for inspiring todays period panties underpants that have been engineered to be bled into as he appears to be wearing a prototype of this very product in every photograph in which he is the least bit clothed.

In fact, while our modest feminist movement is, for now, only inclusive of menstrual blood, Allin staunchly believed that no one should be ashamed of anything that comes out of a body, blood or otherwise. Talk about accepting someone for whats on the inside!

Its time society followed Allins lead in allowing us to celebrate our periods the way they were meant to be experienced: with blood jetting so forcefully from our bodies that it splatters our foreheads, clothes, and unsuspecting bystanders.

Need something to bleed on? Hard Times t-shirts absorb twice the amount of blood as the leading brand, probably:

04:30

Band on DIY Festival Comfortably Sets up Equipment Within Designated 12-Second Timeframe The Hard Times

MAHWAH, N.J. Indie-rock band Chattaway were the only act at DIY music festival Wynd Fest to fully prepare their performance within the schedules designated 12-second timeframe for equipment setup, promoters confirm.

Weve been running behind all day because these prick bands can only carry one amp or one drum to the stage at a time, said lead sound engineer Cory Highland. But Chattaway was a different story they seem to actually know what it takes to be on a fest.

Festival organizer Devon Seitz detailed that, to maximize efficiency, main stage sound technicians have been thoroughly trained to loudly sigh, roll their eyes, and do absolutely nothing at any request from a performer as well as frantically point at their wrist watches whenever eye contact occurs.

This is a DIY event, for Christs sake! We dont have the time, nor the resources, for some primadonna who needs a second vocal mic on stage or some special treatment like that, said Seitz. Thats why Chattaway are the only band that can be sure theyll be asked back next year.

Chattaway bassist Josh Chambers shared his secret to handling tight DIY schedulings with ease.

Related:

As soon as the band before us is finished, I typically sprint out and clothesline whoever is standing in my spot with my amp head, and kick his gear off the hilt of the stage, so I dont have to wait for him while he takes his sweet time, said Chambers. Thats usually approximately 1.6 seconds leaving me a full 10.4 to leisurely plug everything in, tune, and adjust my levels.

Vocalist Shana Edwan later expanded on what sets Chattaway apart from other bands.

Its surprising that a lot of bands dont realize this but as long as you dont make a single mistake, expect literally nothing from the sound guy, and make sure absolutely nothing at all goes wrong, ever, setup should take a few seconds, tops, said Edwan. Keep that simple hack in mind, and your setup will be a total breeze.

UPDATE: Halfway through the festival, Seitz was forced to announce that any more bands that ran over setup time would risk having their payment 5% off official festival merch...

01:30

Alice Cooper Unveils Plans for First Republican Goth Golf Course The Hard Times

PHOENIX Shock rocker Alice Cooper broke ground today on his new Republican-exclusive, goth-themed golf course, Welcome to My Putt-mare, developers close to the project confirmed.

The 18-hole course will be the first in the nation where goths and Republicans can work on their respective games without judgement.

Most country clubs wont let you play while wearing eyeliner or fishnets, said Cooper, clad in a black-and-white striped carnival barkers outfit, top hat, and cane, during a press conference. Welcome to my Putt-mare is a whole different beast you can be freaky and conservative here.

Development partner Eli Fitzgerald offered a grand vision for the course, which will feature greens in different shades of black.

Welcome to My Putt-mare will be a one-of-a-kind golf experience well play exclusively rock, new wave, glam, and metal in all of our facilities and on our American-made golf carts, said Fitzgerald. Our pro shop employees will be trained to offer insider coaching on both golf and heavy metal music.

Related:

The investor list is a whos who of conservative rock icons, including Kid Rock, Godsmacks Sully Erna, Gene Simmons of KISS, Ted Nugent, and M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold.

I jumped to invest, man, said Kid Rock from his suburban Detroit mansion. Its for rockers and wild animals like myself people who love golf, and America. When Alice told me about it, I said, Sign me the fuck up! Dont be surprised if you find me passed out, shit-drunk in one of the sand traps on opening weekend.

Cooper also announced plans for a Schools in for Summer Goth Caddy of the Year Scholarship, enabling business-minded goths to access their favorite hard-rocking conservative lawmakers.

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Saturday, 20 January

23:00

Adolescence lasts until 24, but being an arsehole is timeless NewsBiscuit

Sociologists are now suggesting that being obnoxious may extend well beyond the teenage years, citing the House of Commons as a perfect example of regressive behaviour, poor hygiene and hormones run-amok. Rather than ending at 19, reprehensible behaviour is not phase we grow out of; unlike learning to play the bass or believing in socialism.

Given the choice most people will stay in in a perpetual state of youth, gorging on chicken nuggets, snapchat and the hilarious antics of Justin Bieber. For instance, man-child Boris Johnson displays all the characteristics of a teenager ridiculous hair, racist banter and an inability to master the instructions behind basic contraception.

Said one scientist: Studies suggest youngsters will be 30 by the time they get their first proper job, 50 before they move out of your spare room and 70 before they acknowledge that James Corden was a mistake.

Adulthood and responsibility for your actions, may now be a point in our future we never reach, which will be a relief to the Board of Directors at Carillion. Most self-obsessed snowflakes will chose to stay as they are, or at least until they finish being the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union.

21:00

Trump becomes US President NewsBiscuit

Donald John Trump, the Republican party candidate, is to be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States later today at an official inauguration ceremony in Washington DC. Trump, who defeated the Democratic Party candidate, Hillary Clinton, in a closely fought contest in November, will serve a four-year term in office and may seek re-election in 2020.

What?

You want satire? Look, this may be a satirical news website but we know when were beaten.

16:53

Man Who Only Gets His News From Sky News Panel Shows Says Hes Entitled To His Opinion The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It is widely accepted the internet is the worse thing to happen to other peoples opinions since the conception of other peoples opinions. Once such example is local roller door installer, Rufus Cooper (59) who says he is entitled to his opinion and has an interesting Breitbart article that might change your mind. []

The post Man Who Only Gets His News From Sky News Panel Shows Says Hes Entitled To His Opinion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:44

8 Things DC Could Learn From Happy Days About Cohesive Cinematic Universes The Hard Times

Its no secret the DC Extended Universe is struggling with bland movies and tepid fan feedback. Luckily for DC, there is hugely successful connected franchise they can gleam some tips from.

Here are 8 lessons DC could learn from Happy Days about creating a cohesive narrative world.

1) Everything should be set in the 50s.

The present day is complicated and too hard for audiences to follow, setting everything constantly in 1954-57 brings a sense of stability to fans.

2) Have Superman comically misunderstand Earth culture.

Mork was baffled by things we find simple and my grandpa tells me that was hilarious. Superman should comically misunderstand everything. Stuff like not knowing what a spoon is, or letting robberies happen because he has no concept of property. Humor for the whole family.

3) Make Henry Winkler the lead.

Batman should be recast as Henry Winkler and trade in his Batmobile in for a motorcycle. Who really cares about fighting crime? Its unrelatable. Batman should spend more time fixing up hot rods and hanging around High Schools.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

4) The movies need high stakes plots, like a dance contest or a drag race.

Who cares about retrieving a box? Its dull and there is no real sense of threat. DC movies should use tense, action packed scenarios like a first date or someones car getting scratched. interesting stuff like that.

5) A laugh track so everyone knows its funny.

A common complaint from audiences is that DC movies are humorless. Filming everything in front of a live audien...

14:30

Whats Wrong With The NBN? Wonders Turnbull As He Downloads An Episode Of QI In 20 Minutes The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Recalling his favourite episode of British variety show, QI, the Prime Minister retired to his study to find and download it from the internet. As the internet is reportedly quite fast in the leafy Sydney peninsula of Point Piper, Malcolm Turnbull thought hed have time to hose down his []

The post Whats Wrong With The NBN? Wonders Turnbull As He Downloads An Episode Of QI In 20 Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Thursday, 09 November

11:28

Top 9 lists about the bottom 4 blogs that describe the essential 7 things to do next year. TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

This article was initially meant to describe the "Top 9 lists about the bottom 4 blogs that describe the essential 7 things to do next year." but now that's become obsolete, and we'd rather talk about the end of the year lists of things to do before...

11:23

Trump Gives Overseas Speech Blaming World's Problems on Evil Science and Crooked Hillary TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Moscow, Russia President Trump has taken a detour from his Asian trip to visit, as he says, a "friend" of his that lives in Moscow. President Trump would not name the person he was visiting, just telling the press that it was "no big deal." While...

11:03

Kim Jong-Un Reveals His Threats to the U.S. Were Just to Keep Trump From Visiting TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Pyongyang, North Korea A refugee from North Korea recently informed the press that the whole country of North Korea understands why fat-but-not jolly dictator Kim Jong-Un has been threatening the U.S., non-stop, ever since Trump became President.

03:13

Psychopath From a Country With Strict Gun Control Wonders Why He Can't Shoot Anyone TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In the light of recent events in Texas, psychopaths from around the world, especially from the countries where guns are strictly regulated, have started wondering if they will ever have a chance to shoot someone. Our correspondent had an opportunity...

Wednesday, 08 November

20:08

Climate Change Real Only if Obama Says it Is Not, Insists Trump TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

President Trump is having second thoughts about signing the Paris climate deal. Apparently, this sudden change of heart happened after private investigators, hired by the President, overheard former president Obama saying that "there's no such thi...

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