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Saturday, 21 October

23:13

Sports fan forgets he cant clap The Poke

A sports fan gets caught up in a celebratory moment, only to remember that people with bandaged fingers shouldnt clap. His look of regret is quite something.

Hoorayouch

The post Sports fan forgets he cant clap appeared first on The Poke.

22:43

Caxton Hotel Orders Emergency Truckload Of Penfolds Shiraz The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The iconic Caxton Hotel in Brisbanes notorious contact-sport district has had to order an emergency truckload of Penfolds Bin 389 Cabernet Shiraz 2015, following the unprecedented Wallabies win over the All Blacks at Suncorp Stadium tonight. Australia has sent retiring hooker Stephen Moore out a winner after scoring three tries to two in a []

The post Caxton Hotel Orders Emergency Truckload Of Penfolds Shiraz appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

22:38

Groom plays classic movie themes on the keyboard to entertain waiting wedding guests The Poke

This is wonderful when a bride is late to her wedding, the groom decides to entertain the guests with a medley of movie themes including Indiana Jones, Rocky and the Imperial March from Star Wars.

It would be funny if the bride walked in while he was playing The Imperial March, writes epilith.

On the flipside, heres how not to play music at a wedding.

The post Groom plays classic movie themes on the keyboard to entertain waiting wedding guests appeared first on The Poke.

22:17

People have been taking the piss out of Storm Brian for having such an underwhelming name The Poke

Storm Brian has hit the UK, but that hasnt stopped people taking the piss out of it for being the most un-stormy sounding storm to have ever stormed the country. Here are some of our favourites.

First off, the Life Of Brian references.

Somehow Brian doesnt do a storm like this justice.

21:29

Our Favorite Seasonal Beers for Keeping Shows Violent yet Festive The Hard Times

Merry autumnal equinox, fuckers! Thats right, its finally the time of year when the leather jacket you wore all summer is actually necessary and endless pumpkin spice lattes are just begging to get smacked outta the sheeples hands as you skate by! While you dig the vibe of Halloween season, youre not going to be missing any of the sick shows coming up for lame hayrides or pumpkin patches.

For the punks who are scary year round, with no time for normie festivities, weve compiled a list of the best seasonal beers thatll keep you drunk and angry in the pit while also making you say, I fucking love fall!

Stone Cold Steve Austins Broken Skull IPA from El Segundo Brewing Co.

Whats something punk shows and Halloween have in common? Aside from whatevers on Tiger Armys rider, definitely broken bones! Thats why this IPA, inspired by pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austins cranial injuries, is perfect for moshing hard on a chilly autumn evening. Hopefully your warm Misfits beanie will protect your dome from any potential brain gushing. But if not, who cares! Thats punk!

Harpoon Flannel Friday Amber Ale

If youve ever wanted your beer to match your tattered clothes, look no further . We love amber ales because they remind us of all the scene queens weve ever known named Amber and pair perfectly with any extra intense GBH pit.

Related: This Band Dedicated the Next Song to Old-School Fans Only So I Guess Ill Just Go Fuck Myself Then

Cape May Brewing Co. 5-Spiced Ale Mop Water

We couldnt say no to this brew on its name alone. Mop water?! Hell yeah weve drank mop water before, who hasnt? UP DA PUNX! This beer takes us back to the days when wed party so hard wed stay at the bars past closing. When the staff would start cleaning up wed piss in the dirty mop buckets because, duh, we werent done partying! The town of Cape May itself is pretty lame, but well let that pass because my Grandma lives there and she taught me how to sew patches on my denim vest. Bring on the mop wa...

21:10

Princess Margarets morning routine is something we should all aspire to The Poke

Forget getting up at 4am to do power yoga and conquer the business world Princess Margarets morning routine in 1955 makes for a wonderful alternative. It also involves cheese.

Yeah actually, it sounds knackering. If that peaked your interest, heres the book its from:

(via @gabyhinsliff)

The post Princess Margarets morning routine is something we should all aspire to appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

Guest 2032 Assuring Everybody in Line This Roller Coaster That Slams You Into Side of Cliff Is Really Good Value The Hard Times

ROLLER COASTER, Tyc. Guest 2032 at Freds Kingdom of Pain and Suffering tried to convince other patrons queued for the popular roller coaster Orphan Maker of the rides incredible price point today, despite the fact it hurtles riders directly into a vertical rock wall, park sources confirmed.

Orphan Maker is really good value, insisted Guest 2032 to those around him in line, as an engineer passed through the crowd to reactivate the station after its most recent run. I see that every single car that passes before me has crashed directly into that rock wall, but Im gonna keep waiting here in line because Ive already been waiting for so long.

Guest 1782 told me it was pretty fun! he added. Officials, however, contend that no remains or dental records for a Guest 1782 had been identified in the piles of wreckage to corroborate this claim.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Park data indicate that Guest 2032 came to Freds seven years ago and continues to subsist on the $46.25 he had remaining after entry. The long-time guest, Guest 8143, explained his frugal approach in brief.

Even though Nose Dive looks fantastic, it just isnt worth the price of admission so I avoid its tempting gaze, she said of the wooden coaster that concludes with a precipitous drop into a large man-made lake.

According to sources close to Guest 8143, she understands that rides need an exciting edge to them, too....

Paid Protesters Go on Strike The Hard Times

WASHINGTON The Union of American Protestors voted to go on strike today, citing inadequate pay and poor working conditions, sources within the organization confirmed.

This marks the first time in the unions nine-month history that they will strike.

This strike is about respect, said union president Seth Bridger. Without us, who would be left to protest the President and his policies? Before we came along, no one said a word against the guy. In the last few months, Ive been harassed, spit on, and hit with pepper spray and thats just when my wife sees how little money Im making.

Workers continued to protest up until the strike deadline at midnight last night. When their demands were not met, they turned their signs around, revealing slogans like No Money, No Resistance, and resumed marching.

Until we unionized, protesting was a shabby and uncoordinated affair, said longtime protester Shannon Cross. One time, I was Roe in the morning and Wade after lunch what an embarrassment that was. We get a lot more accomplished now than we did back then. I mean, sure: civil rights laws were passed and the Vietnam war ended, but who cares about that when youre not making any money?

Billionaire philanthropist George Soros, the sole funder of the protests, didnt mince words in his response.

Related:

We have other options. We could outsource our protesting to India: all you need is a giant, movable screen and a Skype connection. Their protests are always so well choreographed as it is, said Soros. Its just a matter of time before we can release mechanical protesters they dont need food, water, or rest. They are, however, still very susceptible to firehoses.

I already gave in to my human chess pieces union, Soros added. I wont be making that mistake again.

Violence did occur earlier today between the union and scab protesters, but with some signs reading Billionaires are Ruining the Country, and others reading Your Health Plan is a Joke, witnesses could not tell who was on whose side.

Need a new shirt? Click below and support The Hard Times.

20:53

John Howard Says The Boys Are Looking Fucken Deadly In That New Blackfella Jersey The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the clock strikes half-time on the third match of the 2017 Bledisloe Cup between New Zealand and Australia, the neck and neck score is just as exciting as the new and improved Indigenous-themed jerseys, according to John Howard. The jersey, which was designed by Sydney artist Dennis Golding, outlines fourteen symbols []

The post John Howard Says The Boys Are Looking Fucken Deadly In That New Blackfella Jersey appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:00

Future monarchs to be chosen by ITV talent show The Rex Factor NewsBiscuit

Cowell sure this is the way to crack AmericaChanges to the royal succession laws unveiled this week mean that future potential kings and queens of the United Kingdom will now be selected by a new ITV talent show which requires contestants to prove their ability as a monarch and win a public telephone vote.

Im proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family, said Simon Cowell today. The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere on stamps, coins and bank-notes.

The show, to be called The Rex Factor, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. Well start with auditions to weed out the nutters, explained Cowell, and then its off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. This is all Ive ever wanted I was born to reign, said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. Ive been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do. He then added tearfully, Im doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. Whats wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening ftes.

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

17:32

Woody Harrelson Confirmed To Play Kerrod Walters In Wayne Bennett Biopic The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Clint Eastwood has been confirmed as the lead actor and director of the upcoming feature film based on the life of iconic Queensland rugby league coach Wayne Bennett, he joins a number of other high-profile actors in the biopic including Woody Harrelson, who is believed to have approached Eastwood himself and []

The post Woody Harrelson Confirmed To Play Kerrod Walters In Wayne Bennett Biopic appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:02

Aussie Visiting America Surprised People Dont Automatically Root Him For Being Aussie The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An Australian visiting America has been very surprised that people dont treat him like some sort of demigod, even with his highly-exaggerated accent. 27-year-old Pearce Guerra relocated from South Betoota to West Hollywood several weeks ago for work, so far hes noticed that nothing is really different to back home when []

The post Aussie Visiting America Surprised People Dont Automatically Root Him For Being Aussie appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:48

ROD MACQUEEN: My Secret To Winning Was Teaching The Forwards To Kick The Betoota Advocate

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports | Contact Hes no Stephen Larkham or Matthew Burke but by Joh, that boy could kick, he said. Rod MacQueen looks down at his coffee and then blankly out the window of Nathans Cafe in Betootas fabled French Quarter district. Something is on his mind. I think the biggest problem with the []

The post ROD MACQUEEN: My Secret To Winning Was Teaching The Forwards To Kick appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:12

Local Soccer Person Pretends A-League Is Just As Fun To Watch As EPL The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Describing himself as an avid supporting of association football in general, Maurice Stayne explained slowly that he always tries to find the time to sit down and watch his favourite teams play each week. Like most people who enjoy the sport, the 28-year-old has two favourite teams. Liverpool in []

The post Local Soccer Person Pretends A-League Is Just As Fun To Watch As EPL appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:47

Entire Party Forced To All Say Hello To Someones Overseas Mate On Skype The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Reports are circulating a recent session of birthday drinks was ruined when the birthday girl herself, Rebecca Stewart (19) suggested they video call her friend Samantha Rich (19), currently travelling in Europe, so that she could enjoy the birthday festivities as well. Its her birthday as well! Im gonna call her, Im gonna []

The post Entire Party Forced To All Say Hello To Someones Overseas Mate On Skype appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:55

Crimewatch finale to answer all fans questions NewsBiscuit

After a 33 year run, the BBCs Crimewatch is to come to an end, with an extended 5 hour episode which will, according to the shows creator, resolve all plot threads left hanging over the years.

Though writers have insisted there was always a 45-year story arc planned from the start, some viewers complained the show gave up on its original plans in order to elongate its run by settling into a crime-of-the-week pattern. Many of the plots seemed to be left without resolution, leading critics to claim they were making it up as they went along. Others have suggested the show jumped the shark when the will-they-wont-they romantic tension between the Jeremy Vine and Sophie Rayworth characters came to nothing, and when popular character Jill Dando was written out of the show in Season 15. Reviewers also criticised the show for bad acting, a reliance on stock villains and the tendency for the characters to repeatedly explain the plot points to the viewers. However, the show has also been highly praised for its innovative use of audience participation, in which the viewers are encouraged to call the show to predict which characters were responsible for the hold-ups and murders.

Head writer and showrunner Andrew Parry told us: Its been an amazing 33 years and we appreciate the time our fans have invested in the show. Although the end has come sooner than we had anticipated, were determined to make this finale a fitting one. Needless to say, theres a lot of strands there to wrap up, but we believe viewers wont be disappointed with what we have in mind. Well be revisiting villains last seen in 1984 and revealing which crimes were real and which were side flashes in the alternate meta-universe Crimewatch studio established in Season 8.

With its sprawling plot and literally hundreds of characters, internet forums have been buzzing with predictions of what the finale is to reveal. Fan theories are mainly centred on the role of the Nick Ross, who is very much the linchpin of the show, tying the myriad storylines together. However, opinions are split on whether Ross, whos unsettling catch phrase dont have nightmares became a national obsession, is the shadowy mastermind behind the crimewave or merely a pawn many believe Ross is only a bit player in the shadowy group known as The Corporation.

The episode will coincide with a release of a box set of all 858 episodes containing 1,500 hours of material with cast commentary. Ratings are expected to be high; however, many fans remain cautious after the similarly-themed Police Five show resulted in a final episode with few questions answered and the main character breaking out of the television studio to find himself stranded on a remote lion-infested island.

02:06

Student finds out he failed his midterms, thanks to a Tweet going viral The Poke

Thanks to the power of social media, one man was able to find out early that he really, really failed his midterm exams. His academic failure resulted in comedy gold.

A hashtag started in the search for Taiwan Jones.

It didnt take long to find him.

The news prompted some soul searching about his future.

There was worry about how his parents will take the news.

01:00

Billie Joe Armstrong: I Once Had a Punk Phase The Hard Times

BERKELEY, Calif Billie Joe Armstrong, lead singer of famed rock band Green Day, claims he once had a brief punk phase in the early nineties.

Memes flooded Twitter after Armstrong said that for a brief time he was, really into The Misfits and even dyed his hair blond in a recent interview.

It was right before we signed to Reprise Records. We released a couple albums that no one ever talks about, but thankfully we were able to get some exposure. I look at those pictures and just feel so silly, said Armstrong. I had this awful haircut and ripped up jeans. And I remember being really upset when I got the news GG Allin died. I cried for days.

Throughout his storied career with Green Day, Armstrong, the makeup entrepreneur, has sold more than 85 million records worldwide and won five Grammy Awards. The frontmans claim sparked much debate on social media where users quickly found old photos of Armstrong from his so-called punk phase.

Related:

Wow, yeah I guess this is what you might consider punk if your parents were Hot Topic mannequins and you were born inside a mall food court, said one user who reportedly still argues about who is punk or not online.

Friends of Armstrong say he still struggles with his punk phase and, although he relapses from time to time, he always recovers.

I thought it was great when they came back and did a secret show at Gilman, said Green Day superfan Jake Smith. Kinda a bummer they decided to do a full rendition of their Broadway show instead of just playing songs though.

Visit our virtual merch table and pick up a shirt by clicking below:

Women banned from menstruating with blue liquid NewsBiscuit

For decades, the pen industry has been using women as plentiful source of blue ink; with a typical ratio, of one menstruation to a thousand ballpoints. Sadly Bodyform sanitary towels are insisting that ladies abandon their traditional blue hue for an unconvincing red, just like Tony Blair.

As we now know, human female DNA has 98% in common with cuttlefish both of whom are capable of releasing cephalopod ink, while keeping a budgerigar amused. Scientists and publicans have observed that the average woman will derive her vivid blue excreta from drinking up to four pints of blue curacao a day, or exchanging bodily fluids with royalty.

Blue menstruation can often be seen as one of the last taboo areas, despite Picasso using at as painting medium (1901-1904). More recent application for blues have included coolant, anti-freeze and Muddy Waters back catalogue.

For many woman there will be a period of adjustment, adjusting their period. Now all adverts will be required to show realistic menstruation, with men looking confused; horrified and without a jot of sympathy; however advertising executives insist the new adverts are spot on.

Hat tip to Dick Everyman

00:19

Who knew the punishment for stealing airline seats was so severe? The Poke

Tried to steal an airplane seat? Take a time out and sit in the sea, thinking about what youve just done.

At least they got to keep the seat. Theres a similar punishment for copying Princess Dianas hairstyle.

(And yes, we know that the seat is also a flotation device)

The post Who knew the punishment for stealing airline seats was so severe? appeared first on The Poke.

Friday, 20 October

23:48

Why yes, there is actually some uglier footwear than Crocs The Poke

You might not think it possible, but there is actually something uglier to put on your feet than Crocs.

You can buy the fish-flops on Amazon, and this review sums things up neatly.

The post Why yes, there is actually some uglier footwear than Crocs appeared first on The Poke.

23:45

Blue bust out some very awkward dance moves when theyre not singing The Poke

The group Blue recently appeared on This Morning, and eagle eyed viewers noticed that the boys do some top-level Dad dancing when it isnt their turn to sing.

It also reminded someone of Boyzones first TV appearance, back when they didnt have any songs but still had a powerful dance routine.

Heres that video in full, because a gif doesnt do it justice.

...

22:00

Mays open letter to EU citizens Remaining in UK is possibly guaranteed NewsBiscuit

Theresa May has written an open letter to EU citizens who are currently resident in the UK, wherein she attempts to allay their fears about them being allowed to remain in Britain post Brexit.

The letter opens with a cordial What-ho, Johnny Foreigners before it goes on to set out what they can expect in the coming eighteen months.

The PM assures recipients that just as soon as she knows what the hell is likely to happen then they will be the first to know how Brexit will affect themdefinitelywell, likely as notor at least quite possibly anyway.

She sympathises with their worries, realising they feel uneasy and concerned about their future here, stating that right now she knows exactly how they feel, but insists that things will become a lot clearer as soon as the UK abandons its stupefying arrogance and accepts it has little or nothing to negotiate with. Or changes Government.  Or both.

The letter goes on to suggest that if, in the interim, EU citizens might wish buy a house or start a business in Britain, well then thats probably going to be not too risky unless it turns out, in the final analysis, to have been very risky indeed.

The last paragraph sums up: But taking everything into account, either one way or another, then Im sure that whatever happens, and with a bit of luck and a following wind, then things might just end up being hunky-dory for you and your family. Or worst case scenario? Well then you might have to go back to your country of birth. But would that really be quite so terrible? Indeed, I may be joining you.

 

Chipchase

21:48

The Brexit negotiations in Brussels seem to be going well The Poke

A really rather sad photo of the PM in Brussels today. Its almost enough to make you feel sorry for her. But not sorry enough to stop taking the piss

21:34

Man creates a pop culture graveyard for Halloween The Poke

Michael Fry, a father and art teacher, has clearly seen some short lived trends in his time so he created this Pop Culture Graveyard to decorate his lawn for Halloween.

There were graves for beauty trends and ros related hashtags.

Along with live TV, normal weather and the dragon from Game of Thrones (too soon?)

The post Man creates a pop culture graveyard for Halloween appeared first on The Poke.

21:10

Its International Sloth Day so whats your sloth name? The Poke

Today is International Sloth Day so heres the definitive sloth name generator.

Sloths are David Attenboroughs (AKA Fluff The Cross-Eyed Van Winkle) animal of choice, so they must be alright

We love all sloths.

The post Its International Sloth Day so whats your sloth name? appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

If Birdo Isnt a Woman, How Come Ive Been Threatening to Assault Her? The Hard Times

 

Theres a lot of debate in the video game world about Birdos gender identity. Birdo is described as male in some game manuals, female in others. Well, good news, Nintendo super fans! Im finally putting this debate to rest.

Ive found indisputable evidence concerning Birdos gender: Birdo is a woman because I keep threatening to assault her.

The first piece of evidence that Birdo is a girl came on June 22, 2016 when I tweeted at her I have something to put in that thing that might be a mouth!

Now Im not actually sure what that hole on Birdos face is, or whether or not I have something to put in it, but the fact remains: I tweeted a vaguely threatening sexual thing at Birdo which means she must be a woman. This is simply scientific fact.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

In addition to this, on September 2, 2016, I Facebook messaged Birdo Im gonna use that giant bow as handlebars when I ride you in the sack you big mouthed bitch! Now Im not sure what sex acts are possible or if Birdo is a marsupial and therefore has two vaginas like a kangaroo.

But the fact that I sent this message at 3am and followed it up by sending Heyhiheyhiu up?hi every night for a year is a pretty strong indicator that Birdo is female.

Just think about the facts: I wouldnt send those messages to a man because I have no obsessive desire to fuck men. Birdo, on the other hand, I spend every waking moment dreaming of drilling her so hard she just starts shooting eggs out her mouth uncontro...

21:00

Ready to Feel Old? Youve Been Dead for 30 Years The Hard Times

These days it seems like were all starting to feel a little creaky in the knees. Remember when the kid from the Nevermind cover bought his first legal drink? Or when Space Jam turned 20? Its enough to make you want to just kick back and let the social security checks start rolling in.

But brace yourself, because this latest little milestone is sure to be the most devastating one yet. Remember that horrible car crash you were in? That was 30 years ago! Also you didnt survive the crash. Yep, youve been dead for 30 years!

Man, 30 years. Its like you cant even wrap your mind around it right? Spirit, I implore you, it is crucial that you wrap your mind around this.

30 years ago this very night you were coming home from the bar, cigarette burning between your fingers in hopes that the heat would help keep you awake. Swerving down ole break neck road, blaring Joshua Tree by U2. Im sure it feels like almost yesterday! But it wasnt yesterday. It was 30 years ago and you have lacked corporeal form ever since.

Only 80s kids will remember reading about the gruesome details in the following days newspaper. The speculations over whether it was a deer that caused you to swerve into that tree, the mysterious circumstances of your decapitated head being found nearly 100 yards from the scene of the crash, the rumors about your accident being a suicide because you had just broken up with your significant other. The whispers around town that your emotionally distant rich parents covered it up because your dad was running for public office. Its crazy to think about how your death is now old enough to rent a car!

Related: 9 Ways Glenn Danzig Could Kill You Before You Even Knew What Happened

Boy where does the time go. huh? One minute youre driving home drunk and the next thing you know youve spent 30 years as an increasingly malignant entity terrorizing the home of an innocent family just because their house happened to be across from the tree where you met your grizzly demise.

Sure, its depressing to dwell on the inevitable march of time, but hey, it is what it is. Theres nothing you can do about it except maybe reconcile the fact that you are nothing more than the long forgotten shadow of a human being and finally...

20:43

Attention-seeking Nazi Richard Spencers visit to Florida didnt go very well The Poke

Nazi Richard Spencer, famous for getting punched in the face, spoke in a virtually empty room at the University of Florida yesterday, and it didnt go that well for him.

The neo-Nazi and white supremacist website The Daily Stormer issued this beforehand, which gives you a rough idea of who was expected to turn up.

Protesters gathered outside, to let the Nazis know they werent welcome.

20:23

This unsourced Wikipedia claim that John Malcovich maintained a lifelong deep hatred of the animated film Were Back: A Dinosaurs Story is pure joy The Poke

Wikipedia makes the un-sourced claim that John Malcovich has maintained a lifelong deep hatred of the animated film Were Back: A Dinosaurs Story, saying its why he left this town notes @Emilygmonster over on Twitter.

Imagine saying that while interviewing John Malcovich and he SLAMS his fist on the table writes @Emilygmonster.

Source: Twitter/@emilygmonster

The post This unsourced Wikipedia claim that John Malcovich maintained a lifelong deep hatred of the animated film Were Back: A Dinosaurs Story is pure joy appeared first on The Poke.

20:09

Harsh but fair The Poke

Though theyre still not as awful as the box of disappointment that is Roses.

Ranking various chocolate selections seems to be the kind of thing the internet thrives on.

Comment from discussion Harsh..

Counterpoint:

Comment from discussion Harsh..

The post Harsh but fair appeared first on The Poke.

20:00

America bracing itself for arrival of Hurricane Mitt NewsBiscuit

storm's a-coming...US citizens have been advised to batten down the hatches and prepare for the worst in advance of the possible arrival of Hurricane Mitt to the Washington area in the middle of next week. A state of emergency has already been declared in a number of US states, and public transport has been suspended and schools closed in advance of Mitts landfall. Observers have warned these precautions could remain in place for up to four years.

We predict a long-lasting depression if this particular shit storm sweeps into DC on Wednesday 7 November, said a spokesman for the National Hurricane Centre. Weve been tracking Hurricane Mitt for a while now and, aside from changing its course at will and some sudden veers to the right, we assumed it was just a lot of hot air that would blow itself out. But all of a sudden its here and its dangerous. If this thing hits land it could send America back to the nineteenth century.

Meteorologists have described Hurricane Mitt as a Frankenstorm as it brings together an unnatural combination of Mormonism and conservative fundamentalism, all exacerbated by a full moon. Citizens have been warned not to be lulled into a state of complacency by the storms warm front of caring for the poor and disadvantaged.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said people needed to start taking action immediately. Despite what you might have heard, this storm is showing a surprising lack of respect for the sanctity of human life. My advice to any American husband is to round up your kids and your four wives, stock up while you can on essentials like social security and health care, and head down into your nuclear bunker and wait for this thing to blow over.

Meanwhile, to prepare New York for the imminent arrival of the deadly Hurricane Sandy, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is using his vast personal fortune to issue every citizen with sacred Mormon underpants, which for a limited time only are available in brown.

19:53

These low cost cosplays are brilliantly funny The Poke

Lowcost Cosplay is a great Facebook page where they do cosplay on the cheap.

Heres 24 of their best as selected by IMGuR user CarlDrogo:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

22.

23. Cat tax

24. Another Cat tax

Source: imgur

The post These low cost cosplays are brilliantly funny appeared first on The Poke.

18:53

KFC only follow 11 people on Twitter and when you realise who, youll smile The Poke

KFC only follow 11 people and its going viral with people giggling about who:

And heres a screen grab to save you all that tiresome clicking:

The person that runs the KFC account needs a raise. I dont care how much they make now. GIVE THEM A RAISE. says @Sicklittlejag.

And in other KFC news we enjoyed this low cost cosplay

Low cost cosplay from funny

The post KFC only follow 11 people on Twitter and when you realise who, youll smile appeared first on The Poke.

17:49

This pros and cons list on where to take a first date is is both funny and accurate The Poke

Instagrammer @Mattsurelee makes graphs and his latest one has gone viral on Reddit and shows you all you need to know about picking a location for a first date:

The best advice Ive ever seen for this situation is take them to go do the cool shit youd be doing anyway. But Im not doing cool shit. start doing cool shit' says BearBryantAndJesus.

Ok, now make a chart on how to get a first date writes Umimum.

We also enjoyed Matts work on phone calls to your parents.

I like dad's approach better. (And if you must know mom: yes, never, no.)

A post shared by Matt Shirley (@mattsurelee) on Oct 3, 2017 at 4:55pm PDT

Source: Reddit

The...

17:11

CSIRO To Fund Study Into Why Cats Do The Things They Do The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Its hardly news but Australias peak scientific body, the CSIRO, is launching a study into why cats do the things they do that make us sad. Spurred on by a recent episode with his feline life companion, CSIRO researcher Gavin Pooley decided to get to the bottom of why his cat seems to []

The post CSIRO To Fund Study Into Why Cats Do The Things They Do appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:21

Barnaby Dominates Christensen In National Partys Annual Goanna Pull The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Suck shit Christo roared the Deputy Prime Minister, as he massaged his wide-set neck. Thats what happens when you spend your life behind a desk The cheering continues in the background as Barnaby Joyce does a celebratory rnb-style dance move mimicking a wave with his arms. Hes just taken home the National []

The post Barnaby Dominates Christensen In National Partys Annual Goanna Pull appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:06

Young Lawyer On The Cusp Of Burning Out Saved Yet Again By Motivational Poster The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a point in time when Mark Donald cared about his clients. That time was a long time ago. As his caseload increases with each new day, he sees his youth dissolve into Friday and Saturday nights spent with either his friends from the office or old friends []

The post Young Lawyer On The Cusp Of Burning Out Saved Yet Again By Motivational Poster appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:45

Nations Scaffolders Say Shot To The Mean Weather The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The rains currently battering the eastern seaboard have been a cause for great celebration for the nations scaffolders today. The predominantly Kiwi-Australian industry says that the current weather pattern is mean, as is the suggestion to now spend the rest of the day in a pub watching horses race on television as []

The post Nations Scaffolders Say Shot To The Mean Weather appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:59

Wasted Local Man At Gig Tells Soundie To Turn The Bass Guitar Up The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite there not being a bass guitar on stage, a local concert-goer took it upon himself last night to wander over to the sound technician to tell him to turn the bass up. Trying desperately to catch the soundies eye during the third song, Hamish Madden told The Advocate []

The post Wasted Local Man At Gig Tells Soundie To Turn The Bass Guitar Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:00

NIDA Begins Running Womens Self Defence Classes For Graduates Headed To LA The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The National Institute of Dramatic Art, Australias most prestigious acting and theatre school has today announced several new disciplines will be added to their curriculum, aimed at preparing young women for the hurdles presented when chasing a career in Hollywood. The new subjects will include, Correct Handling Of Pepper-Spray Canisters 101, Womens Self Defence 220, []

The post NIDA Begins Running Womens Self Defence Classes For Graduates Headed To LA appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:55

Investment in technology vital to counter rising crime in TV shows NewsBiscuit

Rising levels of crime in police and legal dramas can only be tackled with more investment in technology, particularly for bobbies on the beat and detectives who look like they are straight out of central casting, TV executives argued today.

Increases in murders, violence and psychologically motivated crimes that are revealed over 5 episodes continue to plague the sector, sighed Mike Jones, one TV executive. New series of Midsomer Murders and Death in Paradise arent going to help either.

Too much detective work is undermined by basic technology problems, continued Jones. Regular mobile phone black spots in disused warehouses just when officers need to make a call for back up is a prevalent problem, as is unpredictable phone batteries that run out just as police officers are revealing to colleagues where the criminal has hid the kidnap victim before coming back to lifeto make an annoyingly loud ring when officers are trying to hide from a villain in a scrapyard.

Executives have called for a rollout of the latest technologies used in Bull and the last series of the Blacklist to give detectives a fighting chance of solving crimes before the 3rd advert break, a crucial industry benchmark. Criminal gangs in TV crime dramas will also be given higher spec computers so that detectives will be able to download all the vital files onto a memory stick in no more than a 30 second segment, well before the crook returns to the conveniently empty room.

Until these changes come in executives are advising detectives looking for fast broadband speeds to head for the data analytics and behavioural science teams, present now in every single crime drama. These guys are a bit geeky, with off the wall hobbies and an unrequited love for their bosses, noted Jones. However, they also have instantaneous access to all information about everyone in the world and dont have to worry about data protection or freedom of information protocols, just like the Met in the good old days.

09:03

Trump Compromise: Open To Green-Powered Nuclear Holocaust Daily Discord

Tweet TowerPresident Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power.

08:14

You Cant Be Defamed By Show That No-one Watches Says Latham

Mark Latham is confident of winning any defamation actions taken against his self produced chat show The Outsiders by citing that the show has no actual viewers.

I film the show every week in a colorbond shed in the backyard with cameras made out of wood, said Mr Latham as he cut a new audience member out of a large piece of cardboard. I have been effectively silenced by the mainstream media, which they achieved by building a wall of thick mattresses around my property.

Acquaintances of Latham have reported that he has fallen into a deep blue funk in recent months after hearing of the death of Jerry Lewis, who he was hoping to kidnap and tie to a chair as a guest for his first episode.

If Mark Latham opens his mouth in a forest and no-one is there to hear him, has he defamed anyone?, said Lathams defamation lawyer Les Diamond. We will also contend it is unfair to make Mr Latham stand up in court after having to walk all the way there from home, because no taxi driver will pick him up.

The (un)Australian reports that it is aware of the irony of posting a story about a show with no viewers from a satirical website with no readers, if that saves anyone any time.

Peter Green
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07:49

America Longing For Sensible, Coherent Days Of George W Bush The Shovel

george w bush

Americans have looked back nostalgically at the days of their 43rd President, when policy was balanced, thought-through and well-articulated.

A recent speech by George W Bush in New York sent Americans minds racing back to a quieter, more intelligent time of respect, decorum, and just a little bit of racism.

He was so stately, so well spoken, so intelligent. Oh, to go back to those days,American Ted Humphries said.

Back then the most outlandish thing we had to worry about was the occasional dodgy war in the Middle East, or the odd collapse of a financial market. Whereas now, well, its all gotten a little crazy.

He said discourse then was more stately. Its the incoherent babble of the current president it really is difficult to know what hes talking about sometimes. But Bush, he had a way with words.

04:19

The poster for Marvels Black Panther resulted in this great pun The Poke

Aside from boasting an all-star cast, the poster for Marvels latest offering prompted this tremendous pun.


I hope that puns like that dont become a hobbit, writes dfoxtails.

(via Imgur)

The post The poster for Marvels Black Panther resulted in this great pun appeared first on The Poke.

03:08

Celebrate Robot Wars return with the guy who flounced off after losing to a bunch of kids The Poke

Robot Wars is back on BBC2 on Sunday, and what better way to celebrate than by remembering this guy who flounced off after being beaten by a bunch of kids in the last series.

Probably for the best he didnt hang around to see those celebrations.

There he goes.

Priceless!

02:39

When youre on a school trip but havent got a partner so you just walk near people The Poke

Lovely spot by @BeardedGenius on Twitter.

Never let it be said that Theresa May hasnt been having a good time in Brussels.

Source

The post When youre on a school trip but havent got a partner so you just walk near people appeared first on The Poke.

02:13

You can just buy these signs on Amazon and stick them anywhere The Poke

This is both a lesson in why you shouldnt trust signs, and an instant cure for constipation.

The post You can just buy these signs on Amazon and stick them anywhere appeared first on The Poke.

01:42

12 of our favourite daytime TV moments recorded for posterity by Daytime Snaps The Poke

A dozen of our favourite daytime TV moments recorded for posterity by @daytimesnaps on Twitter. Of, if you prefer, 12 reasons why you should never turn the TV on until teatime.

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01:14

Memory Chemicals (1979) Scarfolk Council


Just as Scarfolk Council demanded control over cultural memories and the historical narrative taught in schools, it also wanted to control individuals' memories.

To ensure a docile, compliant populace, Scarfolk promoted the idea of clumsy townsfolk forever stumbling into situations and seeing and hearing things they shouldn't, and proposed that measures be taken so that citizens only retained information that reflected the official party line at any given time.

Building on the success of the Black Spot Card campaign, potent, neurotoxic chemicals (and, in some cases, a steel truncheon) were employed, according to one leaflet, to: "cleanse unnecessary or redundant memories, so as to unclutter the mind".

The campaign and treatments were so effective that some people became inexplicably afraid not only to go outside but also to go into rooms in their own homes in case they saw or overheard something forbidden.

Those who could still manage to venture into rooms immediately forgot why they were there and, following a deluge of confused calls to the authorities, they had to be reminded that they had forgotten, and should now forget that they had remembered that they had forgotten.

01:00

Duchess of Cambridge pregnant by Paddington Bear NewsBiscuit

Royal watchers and courtiers are conspiring to keep secret that the next child of Kate Middleton, and fifth in line to the throne, is the biological off-spring of Paddington Bear.

In scenes that alarmed protection police, Paddington tried to make contact with the Duchess at a recent charity event and, under the guise of a charming dance spin, interrogated the Duchess about maintenance payments, visitation rights and whether the child will attend school in England or Peru.

Insiders have said that the relationship between the Bear and Duchess flourished when the Duchess was wandering around Portobello market and struck up a conversation over the price of an antique lamp. Friends of the Duchess say that it was very much love at first sight as each one of them stared into the glassy, beady, dead eyes of the other. It was not long afterwards that the Duchess was seen to be leaving 32 Windsor Gardens in the early hours of the morning, and a lady in waiting has reported that the Duchess often smelled of marmalade.

Royal watchers suggest that if news of the relationship does break, Prince William is likely to stand by the Duchess and also the unborn child, with an expert saying if Prince William can love a brother who looks like he has been fathered by Bungle from Rainbow, he can love this new addition to the family.

Milo Shame

00:56

Timberland are not dicking around when it comes to capturing the millennial market The Poke

Talk about putting the boot in.

00:47

Its all kicking off in New Jersey The Poke

News 12 New Jersey do their utmost to redefine the term slow news day. Still, its better than relentless stories about murders

Heres another exciting bit of US news footage.

The post Its all kicking off in New Jersey appeared first on The Poke.

00:44

The Poke

Once heard this is never unheard, courtesy of @alreadytaken74 on Twitter.

It really does.

Heres the Twin Peaks theme as youll know it.

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00:31

This persons pain will make you feel less alone The Poke

Although one person had a question.

Owned!

For everyone else, it struck the right type of chord.

00:18

A guy photoshopped himself into pictures of him as a kid and its oddly affecting The Poke

Weve seen plenty of photos where siblings recreate pictures of themselves that were taken when they were kids.
But Conor Nickerson went one better, by photoshopping his adult self into pictures of him as a kid and not only is it very clever, its oddly affecting too. Have a look for yourself.

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