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Wednesday, 20 June

00:00

Less need for clean underwear advises government, as road deaths drop NewsBiscuit

With the rapid advances in computer braking, radar detection of pedestrians, and other road traffic accident reducing innovations, a government spokesman says clean underwear may be phased out as early as 2025.

Every day, 60 million people in Britain needlessly put on clean drawers every morning and make it through the day without being mown down, said Department of Transport spokesman, Pete Winfield. The environmental cost of all this unnecessary washing is incalculable.

Despite fierce opposition from the detergent industry, he insists clean undies may even be causing accidents by making pedestrians too confident about taking risks with traffic. That skid mark could save your life, he warned.

Meanwhile, Tesla has added a ripe Y-fronts detection feature to its latest model in order to avoid embarrassing the deceaseds loved ones on those rare occasions when one of their autonomous cars mistakes a crowd of pedestrians for a swarm of mosquitoes.

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Tuesday, 19 June

23:57

Marvel Reveals Thanos Erased ISIS and It Will Return if Universe is Restored The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Joe and Anthony Russo revealed today that, not only is it canon in the Marvel Cinematic Universe that Thanos erased ISIS with the snap of his fingers, but that if the Avengers save the day, the terrorist group will return to Earth.

When Thanos erased half the universe in Avengers: Infinity War, he made sure the choices were completely random. As a result, the entirety of ISIS ended up among the erased, Joseph Russo told fans at a recent convention. So if the Avengers save their friends, they also will be saving ISIS. Thats just how it works, unfortunately.

Read More From Hard DriveNetflix Breathes Sigh of Relief as Iron Fist Disintegrates During Infinity War Finale

Fans and reporters alike were baffled by the sudden announcement and many took to Twitter to ask the Russo brothers how large a roll ISIS will play in the currently unnamed Avengers 4.

They may not be explicitly mentioned, but it will be weighing on the mind of every hero as they try to rescue their friends, knowing it will also cause the most deadly terrorist organization since Al-Qaeda to return, Anthony Russo explained. Plus, I dont want to give away any casting details.

For years, Marvel has been criticized for moralistic black and white stories that lack real consequences or nuance, Joe Russo said, following his brother. Try pulling that bullshit card on us now that you know that if you want to see Peter Parker come back to life, it means also being OK with the entirety of ISIS returning as well.

Originally, at the end of Infinity War, we were gonna have it say ISIS will return, but Kevin [Feige] said it was too spoilery, so we nixed it, Anthony Russo added.

At press time, reaction on social media had died down until it was revealed that the leader of ISIS in the MCU is a woman, which resulted in hundreds of death threats sent to the Russo brothers.

The post Marvel Reveals Thanos Erased ISIS and It Will Return if Universe is Restored appeared first...

23:30

Crowd Surfing Gang Brutally Enforces Locals Only Policy at Punk Show The Hard Times

HILO, Hawaii A recent string of attacks on tourists attending DIY punk shows in various parts of Hawaii has been linked to a brutal gang of crowd surfers with a strict locals only policy, residents confirmed.

Lots of punks from the mainland come to Hawaii in the summer with their families, and are excited to attend some of the underground shows, but they tend not to realize how dangerous that can be, said lifelong Hilo resident Kana Eneko. Last night, there was a young man in a Boston Hardcore shirt who stage dove, and before he could even paddle out a little, he was pulled to the floor and beaten before being thrown out.

Longtime Hilo punks were quick to defend their protectionist policy.

Straight up, these lolo out-of-towners need to know that these are our mosh pits, and our pile-ups they need to respect our territory and just stay the fuck out. You can stand and watch from the back, sure, but if you get up on that stage and try to dive, youre just asking to scrap, said scene legend Inoa Lea. And if a band has a limited demo tape for sale in the back, anyone from out of town better get to the back of the line. Those arent for you.

Related:

While tourists are often warned by signs posted on the front of venues and at various points on the stage, some vacationers still take the risk of crowd surfing on local turf.

I heard Hawaii had some of the best stage diving conditions in the world the venues are small, the stages are the perfect height, and the rooms are always packed. I really wanted to see what it was all about, said Oklahoma City resident and vacationing punk Damon Turner. I didnt realize how territorial people could be about a punk show. As soon as I dove, I heard a bunch of people whistling and before I knew it, five dudes in board shorts were kneeing me in the ribs.

I thought those Venice Beach crowd surfers were rough, but this was some truly brutal shit, he added.

Additional reports show local authorities have no intention of investigating the claims of assault, pointing to Hawaiian punk law enforcements strict it is what it is policy.

The post Crowd Surfing Gang B...

22:27

11 favourite guesses what Theresa May wrote on this patients cast during her Royal Free Hospital visit The Poke

Theresa May visited the Royal Free Hospital in London where the so-called prime minister met a patient and signed the cast on her leg.

It got people wondering what exactly did she write? Here are our 11 favourite guesses

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21:46

Guy makes schoolboy error slagging off Sadiq Khan and the responses will make your day better The Poke

After three young men were tragically killed by a train near Loughborough Junction Station, the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, tweeted a message of condolence.

A reasonable and, indeed, considerate thing to do, right? Wrong at least according to Twitter user @FreddSays, self-described researcher and analyst and Twitter-described gammon who had this to say.

Unfortunately for him, hed forgotten to use his research skills to discover that Loughborough Junction Station is in south London and nowhere near its Leicestershire namesake. Our favourite bit might be the people he copied in, who (we presume) knew better.

Here are our favourite responses online.
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21:17

Not everyone thought the Brexit dividend was as obvious as Jacob Rees-Mogg our favourite 9 replies The Poke

Heres Jacob Rees-Mogg telling everyone just why the Brexit dividend is so bleedin obvious.

We admit we havent listened to his podcast but, well, theres only so many hours in a lifetime, right?

Heres what people made of it online.

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21:00

Dimbleby quits Question Time without finding any Answers NewsBiscuit

Having hosted the BBCs flagship debate programme for over 25 years, David Dimbleby has finally conceded that he will never get a straight answer to anything. Frustrated, the ex-presenter said he intends to spend his retirement shouting into an empty hole, so at least feel more purposeful.

Mr. Dimbleby has been at the forefront of asking the UKs big questions; such as How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?, Do penguins have knees? or Can we shoot the Panel?. He has also had the challenge of asking Boris Johnson questions, without resorting to balloon animals or shiny beads.

Too often politicians have avoided the audiences questions by obfuscating, waving coloured pieces of string or by replying:  Who wants to know?, in a threatening tone. The default evasion is to blame previous administrations, which is why the Aztecs get such bad press.

Reoccurring questions include Whats the point of Isabel Oakeshott? Was today really necessary? and Brexit WTF? which is less a question, more of an existential obituary. Finally, Mr. Dimbleby hopes he can now at last find some meaningful answers to lifes eternal questions or failing that just Google it.

19:35

Trolley Boy Too Damn Good At His Job To Be Let Go For Intimidating Shoppers, Smoking Weed The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A modern day stockman at the local Coles has once again survived several allegations of calling people fuckwits and smoking dirty bungers. The pimply teenager, who claims to have punched on with blokes as old as 19, will not be getting fired for his recent misconduct. Management states that Corey (15) is too []

The post Trolley Boy Too Damn Good At His Job To Be Let Go For Intimidating Shoppers, Smoking Weed appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:32

Donald Trumps creating a Space Force and here are 11 responses to send you into orbit The Poke

Now hes f-ed up the world Donald Trump is going to do the same to the rest of the universe after he announced he was creating a Space Force which is a bit like the Air Force, but in space.

Yes, that is exactly what we need right now, Mr President. And this is what the world outside Trumps head made of it.

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19:16

18 terrifying signs youd never want to encounter in real life The Poke

Signs and notices are made to inform or warn people, but these seem to have one intention to scare the shit out of whoever reads them. Mission accomplished.

1. Do what to fourth graders?


(via)

2. Thats not a face you want looking for children


(via)

3. The truck that will literally rip off your arm


(via)

4. Even a non-fatal shark attack is pretty undesirable, frankly


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5. Norman Bates freezer

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19:00

Joy for Scotland as fruit picker shortage takes us down from five a day to two a day NewsBiscuit

The electoral mathematics behind the Referendum vote have been thrown into chaos after an impending shortage in fruit picking labour meant that less fruit will be picked and the amount of fresh fruit and vegetables the British are morally pressurised into eating needed to be recalculated. According to a DEFRA statement, the total number of portions could be reduced from five a day to two a day.

This is an example of our Brexit promise to provide additional flexibility to help industries that really need it, said Environment Secretary Michael Gove. We should have confidence that our bodies can do more with less, and simply take back control of how we process the nutrition from our food.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, the realisation that Brexit could mean more pies and even fewer vegetables has led to speculation that the heart disease capitals previously strong support for Remain could be numbered. SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon called on Scots to weigh the joys of independence carefully against the immediate gratification of vitamin-avoidance. I suppose yousere gonnae do a deep fried Mars Bar joke written in a stereotypical Scottish accent, arent ye noo? she added.

The policy comes on the back of a House of Lords Select Committee recommendation for the re-categorisation of fruit and veg. Poor people dont know how to metabolise fibre properly, said the Select Committee chairperson, Baroness Lady Jenkin. For just 4p a day, people can get all the minerals they need if issued three meals of thin gruel a day, with an onion twice a week, and half a roll of Sundays. They were always happy with that before all this health and safety nonsense.

Benvoleo and Oxbridge

18:37

A Current Affair Reporter Apologises For Aggressive Demeanour Once Cameras Are Off The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Earlier today, a local A Current Affair reporter was sent out to Betoota Ponds to get to the bottom of a problem thats brought that community great pain. A dodgy tradesman, a plumber to be exact, has had accusations of shonkiness levelled at him by scores of local residents []

The post A Current Affair Reporter Apologises For Aggressive Demeanour Once Cameras Are Off appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

18:29

This couple were on a plane when they felt some unusual turbulence behind them The Poke

Kiley Tullys parents were having a perfectly enjoyable flight to Mexico when they felt some unusual turbulence in the seats a few rows back.

So naturally they had a look over their shoulder and, when they saw what was going on, they got their phone out. Well, you would, wouldnt you?

And if you havent guessed by now, its a little bit NSFW.

Presumably they were sitting in row X-rated.

The couple sent the video to their daughter who shared it on Twitter, and this is what people made of it.

18:01

A guy asked his girlfriend to send him updates on the England game and this is what they looked like The Poke

Someone called @lightningstarr was asked to provide her boyfriend with updates on Englands World Cup opener as he was travelling home. She kindly obliged.

People thought her updates were better than the official version.

But a lot of those replying had noticed something a little troubling.

17:59

Man Walking Past Drunken Pack Of Women Clenches His Keys Like He Was Taught At School The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A vulnerable local man just trying to make his way home after finishing work at his local bar job, has tonight called on muscle memory in preparation for what feels like an imminent assault from a group of strangers. Even though he walks this route two-to-three times a week after dark, John is []

The post Man Walking Past Drunken Pack Of Women Clenches His Keys Like He Was Taught At School appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:19

16 of the weirdest things people have admitted to Googling The Poke

Over on Twitter, the hashtag #WeirdThingsIveGoogled does what it says on the tin, with people sharing some pretty outlandish things theyve searched for on the internet. Some of them have definitely ruined their targeted ads forever.

Check out these 16.

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17:04

Piers Morgan v Gary Linekers post-match bust-up is at least as entertaining as Englands second half against Tunisia The Poke

As the dust settles on Englands opening 2-1 victory against Tunisia in the World Cup, we can probably all agree it was the right result but the wrong performance, certainly in the second half.

We say probably because heres how Piers Morgan and Gary Lineker took issue with each others take on the game on Twitter.

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16:59

Liberal Party Cafe Brawl Breaks Out After Rogue Members Criticise Ayn Rands Atlas Shrugged The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In some breaking news out of Sydney, it has been confirmed that the Liberal Party Branch brawl stemmed from a disagreement over a famous book. The brawl in South Western Sydney last night, which resulted in police attending the premises and a man being taken to hospital, reportedly kicked off after a discussion about Ayn Rands Atlas []

The post Liberal Party Cafe Brawl Breaks Out After Rogue Members Criticise Ayn Rands Atlas Shrugged appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:37

Alan Shearer tackling Simon Schama is the best thing about the England game apart from the result The Poke

Alan Shearer was among the BBC pundits ahead of Englands World Cup opener against Tunisia but historian Simon Schama wasnt entirely happy with his pre-match advice to Gareth Southgates team.

It prompted this response from the former England captain.

And these responses from everyone else.

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16:23

Peter Dutton Named New ABC News Anchor The Shovel

Peter dutton abc news

Home Affairs Minister Peter Duttons portfolio has again been extended he will now host ABCs seven oclock bulletin, in a move designed to ensure Australians hear the right news.

The move is seen as a common sense compromise after the backlash to the Liberal Partys idea to sell the national broadcaster.

Mr Dutton who will take on the role in addition to his existing responsibilities has extensive media experience and is seen as having a better grasp than his predecessors of the types of stories Australians should hear.

He will decide what news comes in, what news stays and what news gets turned back. The ABC will really set the agenda with Dutton behind the desk, one colleague said.

A senior ABC executive said it was a positive step for the national broadcaster, and part of the ABCs vision to appeal to a broader range of Australian MPs. I think its true that we have become a bit niche. I think its true that weve been slow to modernise. And I think its fair to say weve lost sight of what Australian Governments in the 21st Century want from their news.

15:22

Who?? Writes 43-Year-Old Frenzal Rhomb Fan On Triple J Article About Childish Gambino The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local office drone has shown him self to be a rock music purist today by leaving a cheeky comment on Triple Js Facebook page. The bong-warrior sales consultant at a mid-sized firm in Betootas CBD took a moment to show his disdain for some of the music coming out over the last []

The post Who?? Writes 43-Year-Old Frenzal Rhomb Fan On Triple J Article About Childish Gambino appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:19

Coworker Loudly Asks Dumb Question Instead Of Googling It Like A Normal Person The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact City workers at the French Quarters new WeWork complex were subject to a very loud man today who rather than googling the answer to his query, decided to boorishly ask the room for the answer. Peter Moyras desk is on the fourth-floor beside the cool self-serve Brooklyn Lager kegerator, []

The post Coworker Loudly Asks Dumb Question Instead Of Googling It Like A Normal Person appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:57

Leathery Surf Club Mum Reckons Some Of Those Islander Boys Arent Too Hard On The Eyes The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Northern Beaches surf club matriarch has today disgusted her teenage sons by revealing she is still able to recognise sexually attractive men. While at the surf club with friends on Saturday night, 54-year-old Brookie Overhl was seen to be quite vocal about how handsome some of these younger footballers are during []

The post Leathery Surf Club Mum Reckons Some Of Those Islander Boys Arent Too Hard On The Eyes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:22

Man Who Hasnt Watched Soccer In 4 Years Unimpressed By Tunisian Right Backs Performance Last Night The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Betoota man who hasnt watched a game of soccer in 4 years was incredibly unimpressed with the shift put in by the Tunisian right back Yassine Meriah in last nights Group G match between England and Tunisia. Michael Potts, a 37 year old accountant from West Betoota, has reportedly never had []

The post Man Who Hasnt Watched Soccer In 4 Years Unimpressed By Tunisian Right Backs Performance Last Night appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:15

Clive Palmer Says Hell Run The Nation Like A Business The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Besieged mining magnate and political hopeful, Clive Palmer, pushed his boat out earlier this week by announcing his triumphant return to public life. He has the nations top job in his sights and has already recruited former One Nation senator Brian Burston to his cause. Speaking today from his base on our states []

The post Clive Palmer Says Hell Run The Nation Like A Business appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:44

ABC Board Meet Liberal Council On Foggy Bridge To Trade Tony Jones For Their Future The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Liberal Party council has met members from the ABC Board this morning at either end of a foggy bridge in Sydney to trade their defacto leader Tony Jones for their future existence. Earlier this week, the Liberal Partys engine room voted to make privatising the public broadcaster part of their policy moving []

The post ABC Board Meet Liberal Council On Foggy Bridge To Trade Tony Jones For Their Future appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:35

Scientists Confirm Post Malone Is 70% Labrador The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a year long study into his genetic make-up, scientists have today confirmed that 22-year-old cloud rapper Post Malone is 70% Labrador. The study was commissioned by the American Medical Association and was conducted by researchers from the University of Texas in Malones home state. There have been rumours of Malones dogginess for several []

The post Scientists Confirm Post Malone Is 70% Labrador appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Large Hadron Collider upgrade on hold as six year old girl asks wrong question NewsBiscuit

Ask a group of children to perform ring-a-ring of roses inside another group performing ring-a-ring of roses the other way and you have the perfect recipe for an afternoon in A&E. Change the children for protons and instead of coughing-up blood and bone, the colliding protons cough-up bits of God.

Last year the LHC produced 3 million bits of God, or Higgs bosons, of which only 200 were sold. The new upgrade will increase production to 15 million bosons per year reducing purchase costs, eventually allowing everyone with the means the opportunity to worship their own piece of God in their living rooms.

Recently, funding for the upgrade was in jeopardy after CERN paid a substantial amount of cash to rapper Large Hadron Kollidah, singer of Emperor dont got no clothes in an out-of-court settlement for damages relating to a law suit of an undisclosed nature. However, early this year Higgs bosons became a form of currency in university canteens. Global trading pushed their value up to a level where CERN could fund the upgrade by trickle-selling bosons.

The most recent delay stems from last weeks press conference to announce a timetable for completion of the upgrade, when the six year old daughter of a science journalist in the audience caused mayhem after pulling on her fathers sleeve and was overheard asking, Wont they just keep finding tinier and tinier bits of God? Work on the upgrade has now ceased indefinitely whilst scientists and accountants at CERN decide whether the journalists daughter should be burned as a witch.

 

08:10

Biased Public Funded Media Organisation Wants To Privatise The ABC

News Corporation, which paid no tax last year, has welcomed the proposed sale and break up of the ABC, saying there is only room for one severely biased media conglomerate in the Australian market.

The people saying that were depriving the Australian public of millions in annual tax revenue have no idea of the deductible expenses needed to run our newspapers, said News Corporation accountant Atticus Sludge. Our Photoshop bill alone is the size of the GDP of Belgium, and that bloke who draws Staria charges us an arm and a leg.

I see nothing biased at all in headlines such as Sun God Tony Abbott Is The Right Man To Lead Our Country and Greens Want To Kidnap Your Children And Turn Them Into Organic Mulch, said Daily Telegraph sub editor Janice San-Serif. Were doing the country a favour by employing Peta Credlin and keeping her far away from an actual position of power, but do we get any thanks?

The ABC fills a vital role in Australian society and it would be a shame if we couldnt fund the building of an even bigger coffee mug for Tom Gleeson to drive around in just so our greedy schools and hospitals could hog an even bigger slice of the public purse, said ABC board member Felicity Scoby. ...

04:58

Muellers Guinness Leak Of World Records? Everyone On Trumps Team Tried To Collude, But Completely Screwed The Pooch! Daily Discord

Las Vegas, NVSpecial Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullens, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: Im sick of investigating this ass-clown of a

04:30

Intolerable Prick Ascribes Lack of Popularity to Anti-Stalin Bias Worker's Spatula

Prick

CW: Abuse

ADELAIDE Ex-CPA member and local piece of shit Mick Anderson has resurfaced in the activist scene after months of conspicuous absence following allegations of physical abuse of his then-girlfriend, [REDACTED].

Local CPA cadre were quick to distance themselves from Anderson, who, in further proof of the ubiquity of contradiction, has apparently distanced himself from the CPA on grounds of their revisionism.

Following Workers Spatulas own assessment of the CPA as having deviated from an essential Marxist analytical method, we sought to gain impressions from locals in Adelaide to determine the dynamics of theoretical discourse in which this abuser seeks to position himself.

Yeah he says China is capitalist now, but he never said anything like that even during his last days with us, explained local CPA representative Jack Vogt, he definitely didnt split with us over theory, even if thats what he says. The last time we saw him was the night of the incident, when [REDACTED] called [REDACTED] over to help protect her. Now he pops up talking like CPA(ML) or something, maybe hes with them now? They call us revisionists constantly.

CPA(ML) representative Chelsea Greene denied Andersons affiliation with their organisation: we were in brief contact, but hes not interested in Mao Zedong Thought or...

03:28

Did You Miss It? That Was the Moment It Was OK to Talk Gun Control The Hard Times

The moment is over. Poof! Done. Gone. Bang! Actually, scratch that last one. Either way, you just missed your chance to talk about gun control. Faster than emptying a magazine with the help of a bump stock, the moment has passed.

Do you want to talk about legislation at the correct time or do you want to look like the dude who keeps jamming his Peruvian ayahuasca retreat into every conversation? Hey buddy, I love you, but youre really polarizing this cookout. You may not impress people with your knowledge, but they will definitely see that you know how to bring fun to a grinding halt because you picked the wrong time to talk gun control.

Related: Now is Not the Time To Discuss Gun Control, Because my Penis is Stuck in This Jacuzzi Jet and I Cant Focus

 

Look, everybody knows that right after the shooting is not the time to bring up gun control. Its insensitive to the victims and makes you look like youre taking advantage of a tragedy. And waiting until the story is out of the news cycle is way too late since it will not make a sizable impact. So when is the right time? Just then. You missed it.

Now its too late. If another mass shooting isnt about to happen in a few moments, youre really going to look like youre crying wolf. So better luck next time catching the moment where it is OK to talk gun control, and remember, no matter what you do, it is never OK to talk mental health.

The post Did You Miss It? That Was the Moment It Was OK to Talk Gun Control appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:47

Daft Limmy had a message for England before their first World Cup game and its pitch perfect The Poke

Heres Daft Limmy offering all the best for England ahead of their first World Cup game against Tunisia, from one neighbour to another.

Back of the net.

00:13

The BBC did this ahead of Englands World Cup opener and its one of the odder things theyve ever done The Poke

The BBC usually has an uncanny knack of getting it just right with their World Cup coverage. Not just the games, but how they build up the tension beforehand and their inevitably sad (but epic) montages when England get knocked out.

And then and then theres this effort, which they put out today ahead of Englands opening World Cup game against Tunisia on Monday.

Opinion appeared to range from poor to very poor to well, have a look for yourself.

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00:06

SWAT Team Actually Huge Fan of Streamer The Hard Times

ORANGE COUNTY, Calif. A SWAT team sent to stop a fake threat at the home of professional Twitch streamer Michael shroud Grzesiek reportedly told him that they are actually huge fans of his gaming content, according to close sources.

When we get called into these high pressure situations, we are ready to eliminate all hostile targets with lethal force, but boy what a fun surprise it is to see a friendly face! exclaimed SWAT Team Leader Steven Horowitz. The whole team loves to watch shroud play PUBG and we play squads all the time. When we ran into his room, we were like Hey! Its kinda like were playing squads right now in real life! Maybe we should have thrown in a grenade first, am I right? Like in the game? So friggin fun!

Read More From Hard DriveLets Jump Right Into It, Says YouTuber Eight Minutes Into Tutorial

The SWAT team, which was sent in after an anonymous tip about a threat at Grzesieks home, broke down the front door and swarmed his bedroom with armed police officers before realizing it was a prank likely from a disgruntled gamer. According to the hundreds of thousands of people watching Grzesieks Twitch stream at the time, Grzesiek was horrified.

Im glad it was such a nice time for everybody, said SWAT member Laura Gorny, after posing for a group photo with a visibly shaken Grzesiek. Shroud was just so down to Earth. I know its technically bad that people call SWAT teams on streamers for no reason especially for that guy who died but for us, its nice to get a break from the action and talk video games with our favorite streamers.

I mean were basically good friends with Dr. Lupo at this point, which is so awesome, she added.

At press time, after fielding questions from the SWAT officers about the difference between their assault rifles and the ones in the popular battle royale game PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds, Grzesiek cleaned up his home and took some time to relax with a six hour stream of Fortnite.

Video footage of the police raid is available in a YouTube video entitled SHROUD GETS SWATTED FUNNY MO...

00:00

JD Wetherspoon inspires Queen to launch ships with cartons of milk NewsBiscuit

Like a rut-ready Ram surfing a wave of pyroclastic patriotism, JD Wetherspoon announced last week that they are chopping Champagne and European booze post-Brexit in favour of bottles of Blightys best home-brews, including: Beached Whale Ale and Yellow snow IPA.

A Wetherspoon spokesbody explained, The UK is the leading export market for Champagne which will change when we offer British and New World sparkling wine alternatives, such as: Champrain, from Mancunian vines, naturally boiling Fukushima Brtonium, tangy Cumbrian Gnats Pissecco and the soothing Calpolicella for kids. Brands from not too far away are out, but brands from far, far away are ok.

Other British institutions have been keen to follow suit and move away from Champagne-based social affirmations. Buckingham Palace have announced the Queen will be launching ships by smashing a carton of full-fat Corgi milk, fresh from the Royal Herd onto hulls post-Brexit. F1 Grand Prix motor racing winners will spray fellow drivers with full-sugar Dandelion and Burdock, ensuring the lucky winner still gets a buzz but will be able to drive to the shops for a loaf later.

Red wines from EU nations will also be replaced, for example: Who Dares Wines in Hereford, produce a full-bodied claret from the collected sweat of serving SAS soldiers. Does not go well with chicken. Quick-fire shots will get a revamp with, Navy Gravy: a teaspoon of Bisto added to a double measure of Pussers Rum.

British food options are expected to follow as soon avocados can no longer be passed off as carrots. With its non-EU stance, will dining in JD Wetherspoon consist of a pint of Elderflower tea, Full-English scones, clotted cream with a compote of Scallop jam? Undoubtedly, but it wont be a European compote, thank you. Itll be a British dollop.

Monday, 18 June

23:43

There was one question everyone was asking about Icelands viewing figures for their World Cup opener against Argentina The Poke

Icelands first ever match in a World Cup finals was an epic 1-1 draw with Argentina and it rated pretty well on TV up there.

How well? This well.

And lots of people had the same question which can be neatly summed up by the Times journalist, Oliver Kay.

Here are some of our favourite answers.

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23:30

Youth Pastor Knows Someone Who Is Pretty Punk Rock, and His Name Is Jesus Christ The Hard Times

IRVINE, Calif. Youth pastor Doug McCabe casually mentioned yesterday that he had a friend who was a real punk rocker, and his name is Jesus Christ, while attempting to engage 16-year-old punk parishioner Alex Freeman, witnesses confirmed.

I saw that Alex was a little hesitant about some of our teachings so, I reminded him that Jesus of Nazareth, son of God, was, in fact, punk as fudge pie,' said the youth pastor from his office. That young man had frequent clashes with authority, an itinerant touring lifestyle, and a crew of 12 disciples. It doesnt get more punk than that.

Additionally, McCabe told Freeman that if hes looking for a friend who gets what youre going through, and knows how hard it can be to punk out with your scene crew, I know somebody you can always talk to, according to one witness who requested anonymity. Freeman allegedly stood, staring blankly, for 15 seconds before McCabe hurriedly added, Jesus. Im talking about Jesus the guy we were literally just talking about.

McCabe is known for specifically tailoring Christs message to young parishioners.

I had a young man in here, a captain of his football team, who was starting to stray from the flock, said McCabe. But Jesus himself was like the quarterback of an underdog team of Christians. Even though the Romans were a bigger team, Jesus still got in the end zone for a field goal.

Related:

Following his rap sesh with McCabe, Freeman admitted privately that some of the messages did have an effect on him.

While it should be obvious to everyone that church is stupid and dumb, it was pretty cool when Pastor Doug said that the Book of Revelation had a real Blitzkrieg Bop at the end, said Freeman, trying to solicit alcohol outside of a 7-11. Then he told me about when Jesus flipped over all of those tables in the temple its almost like he was telling those guys that the only merch that matters is the love of God, and that cannot be sold.

At press time, McCabe did confirm that, while it is not specifically discussed in the Gospels, it is unlikely that Jesus ever shredded a half-pipe.

The post...

22:36

This 10 y/o lad was bullied about his lunchbox so his uncle did this and its awesome The Poke

A 10-year-old lad called Ryker got a tough time off his classmates for his space cats lunchbox although frankly theres not much wrong that we can see with it.

But his very cool uncle was concerned about it so he went on Facebook to tell people about what was going on.

My cousin, Emily, has a 10 year old son named Ryker. Ryker, who loves cats, was very excited to get his new lunchbox. Unfortunately because of its colors, or because it has cats, or both he was teased about it by other boys in his class. He even wanted to stop taking his lunch so he wouldnt be teased about it any longer.

I have decided, however, to stand with my little cousin and show him that a man can love whatever he wants and not be afraid to express that love.

Not only that, he did this and its brilliant.

Heres the rest of what he had to say in full.

I have decided, however, to stand with my little cousin and show him that a man can love whatever he wants and not be afraid to express that love.
So I have ordered the same lunchbox for myself and proudly carried it to work today at my large, conservative, corporate workplace. Ive told anyone who asked the story behind my lunchbox and to a person, they all stand with Ryker too.
Theres no one way to be a man. Men can be colorful. Men can be expressive. Men can be emotional and silly and gleeful.
I love my new lunchbox and I hope Ryker and all the other boys out there can see that their passion and self-expression is never something to be ashamed of.

The really good bit was that it encouraged a whole bunch of other people to do the same.

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22:15

Mobile Drunk Tank hits the streets ahead of #RoyalAscot The Poke

A bold new initiative promising to bring relief to the residents of Ascot has been unveiled today following a spate of alcohol-fuelled brawls at race meetings.

A new ad from Paddy Powers is promoting the Drunk Tank service whuch will provide temporary accommodation for up to 50 racing fans to sleep off the booze in clear-sided 6 x 2 metre container mounted on a lorry.

Members of staff will cart drunks off the streets of Ascot in wheelbarrows, before transferring them into the tank.

Following recent events, the Irish bookmaker unveiled the The Drunk Tank ahead of Royal Ascot (tomorrow) in a bid to avert a rumble at Britains most prestigious race meeting.

Last week, racecourse bosses announced that punters could be breathalysed or refused admission as part of a crackdown on brawls that have recently marred meetings at Ascot and Goodwood.

The post Mobile Drunk Tank hits the streets ahead of #RoyalAscot appeared first on The Poke.

22:10

This exchange about laws governing stuff that harms you will have you facepalming into next week The Poke

Jeremy Vine shared this exchange today between the governments one-time drugs tsar and the then home secretary, Jacqui Smith.

It took place a few years ago and yet has a timeless quality that alas still resonates today.

David Nutt was later forced to resign as the governments drugs tsar for stating his view that cannabis, ecstasy and LSD were less harmful than the legal drugs tobacco and alcohol.

Heres what people said about the dialogue today.

21:58

Soccer Actually Just That Slow, Optus Confirms The Shovel

optus world cup

As complaints of dodgy World Cup coverage continued despite the problem now being fixed Optus was forced to explain to Australian viewers that thats just what soccer looks like.

Thats not buffering. Thats just the way the games played, an Optus spokesperson said. We fixed the problem days ago.

He said some customers had complained that they hadnt seen any action for the entire 90 minutes. They mustve been watching Iran v Morocco, he explained, adding it was important for viewers to understand how the technology worked. If it looks like youre seeing the same thing over and over again, thats not a glitch. Thats soccer.

He said thousands of people had complained about jumpy coverage, but it was actually just players repeatedly diving across the field. It looks artificial, I know. But thats the game. It takes some getting used to.

21:48

Our favourite 6 things people did with Brazilian keeper Alisson bursting a giant ball The Poke

Brazils goalkeeper Alisson didnt hang around when a giant ball bounced onto the pitch during his teams World Cup opener against Switzerland.

It was crying out for people to have a bit of fun with it, and there really was only one winner.

Sublime.

Other people did this

21:00

Parliament canteen to serve PC food NewsBiscuit

After the revelation that that House of Commons restaurant had re-branded Spotted Dick Spotted Richard so as not to embarrass MPs, further examples have come to light leading to demands for an immediate public enquiry. In a leaked memo, the Commons breakfast buffet for Friday offered quails eggs laid by a happy hen, sunny-side up, served with toast non-combatants on a living wage.

To de-fuse the situation, the House of Commons Head of Catering offered this explanation: When you deal with great minds like Boris Johnson, David Davis and Diane Abbott, the last thing one needs is to disturb their equilibrium with risqu comestibles.

Meanwhile in the House of Lords, there has been a backlash with Knights of Realm wishing a spade to be called a bloody hipster shovel, not tableware. The Lords menu this week was graced by such delicacies as Toad in the Fatty Crevice, Cock au Vin but with real cock and Beef Curtains with Chefs Special Sauce.

A waiter from the Lords ruefully admitted The desserts are best left under wraps, but suffice to say anything labelled a tart is served on a raw prostitute.

Consensus among Whitehall officials was that the Lords approach challenged the accepted tropes for a standard bill of fare, however it was preferable to the PC-f*ckery at the House the Commons.

20:56

This womans boyfriend set her selfies to Cotton Eye Joe and its hypnotic The Poke

Someone called @Marissa_Tee_ was sharing some selfies with her boyfriend, when he revealed a talent for animation and kind of singing. The result is a work of genius.

Its so good its been shared more that 280,000 times on Twitter alone.

There were some very appreciative reactions.

And Hannah Lupas had one simple piece of advice for Marissa.

Marry him.

H/T...

20:12

The worlds saddest doodle got an update to save our breaking hearts The Poke

Even before Brexit, Trump and the spiralling cost of Freddos, artist Ben Cameron had discovered a particular talent for hitting us right where it hurts, as these doodles show.


(via)


(via)


(via)

All of which are featured in his book, appropriately entitled Tragidoodles.

However, the picture that would come to be described as the worlds saddest doodle was shared in this tweet.

Fo...

20:00

World domination plans in disarray as evil mastermind elects to work from home NewsBiscuit

Employees of a sinister underworld organisation have today branded their sociopathic overlords decision to work from home rather than their labyrinthine volcanic lair in the Indian Ocean a complete sodding disaster.

Dr Daktari Bludkaskett, the bald, affectation-strewn Svengali of SNARK, providing market leading evil solutions since 1976, emailed employees two weeks ago to announce that he would be overseeing his fiendish plot remotely from a newly-refurbished cottage in Padstow.

Dr Bludkaskett, cited the desire for a better work/death balance as the primary driver for the change of location. Nihilo and Nietsch are both getting to secondary school age, he noted,  and frankly Hex Island is in about the worst catchment area you could wish for this side of Kolkata.

However, the previously loyal Myrmidons of the Hex Island operational centre say that the change in management style to virtual has been little short of calamitous and not in a good, evil way.

Its been a non-stop screwupfest from day one, bemoaned Bludkastketts prodigiously talented sidekick Namiastka. First meeting, monday morning; were waiting for his gruesome contorted face to appear on the office Jumbotron. He only goes and pairs his webcam with the TV screens of every bloody world leader if I told him once, I told him a thousand times: use the silver remote with Bluetooth off!

Plus, you have to keep hapless guests standing over the piranha tank for half an hour, grumbled SNARKs resident ADHD cyber-hacker Nils Skansion. Meanwhile el presidente is desperately trying to use his Macbook to operate a set of Windows-compatible trapdoors.

And youve just gotta pray that a crack squad of ninjas dont abseil down the lip of the volcano on a Friday, added Namiastka. If the boss isnt changing laundry loads or picking up the kids, hes watching Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube.

Many of the employees now question the feasibility of an October launch date for planet-despoiling satellite Apocalypticon (now renamed: Silver Guillemot), however, Dr Bludkaskett has told staff that together, they will make it happen.

We may be separated by 5,248 miles and Cornwalls notoriously slow broadband speeds, he told employees via an emergency Skype meeting, but this evil takeover will happen. Oh yes! Woahahahah (screen freezes and pixellates for 25 seconds) ahahahaa oh hang on a sec, thats the Amazon delivery guy Ive been expecting him.

19:30

This guy really couldnt persuade Brandon he had the wrong number and it didnt end well The Poke

For some reason its always more surprising when someone gets a wrong number on a mobile than it used to be on a landline.

Its even more surprising when someone texts the wrong number and sometimes its hard to persuade them that yes, they really do have the wrong number.

And sometimes it doesnt end well. Just take a look at this exchange shared on Reddit.

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19:23

This lawyer had an unconventional solution to upskirting and got precisely the responses he deserved The Poke

Lawyer Nick Freemans Twitter name is @TheMrLoophole because of his reputation for getting rich people acquitted of drink-driving charges due to technicalities. He probably wishes he could find a loophole to excuse one particularly ill-advised tweet, after he received a barrage of criticism.

This is what caused the furore.

It seems victim blaming is alive and well, but the replies were having none of it.

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19:04

A DIY shop put this sign in its window and these 7 responses are very satisfying indeed The Poke

A chap called Jeff Amyx decided to put this sign up in the hardware store he runs in Tennessee and the responses are a useful reminder that the world hasnt entirely gone to shit.

Heres the sign (and doesnt he look proud of it!)

Just in case you thought it wasnt an entirely reasonable thing to do, he put this one up too.

Thanks Jeff. And here is how people responded online.

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19:00

Solstice Druids vote leave NewsBiscuit

Crowds gathered at Stonehenge to remember the catastrophic immigration policy that led to an influx of Anglo-Saxons during the fifth century. Bringing their European laws and illuminated texts, these economic migrants undermined the core British values of badly cooked mutton, dancing naked around fires and believing in fairies.

Endorsing the Brexit campaign, one lead Druid complained about the job threat to Wiccan-based businesses: Weve seen the steel industry collapse but what about the salt gatherers, the amber miners and the guy who keeps the pixies away? These Anglo-Saxons are just cheap labour who smell of dung and dont get me started on the Normans.

Quaffing a pint of mead, Nigel Farage welcomed these bearded recruits to the leave banner. A UKIP spokesman said: Britain is stronger without EU interference. We dont want a bureaucrat telling us what shade of blue to paint our genitals or whose head to chop off and mount on a spike.

Twelve thousand people attended the Neolithic site in Wiltshire to throw their support behind the slogan Keep Britain for the Ancient Britons and the less catchy F@ck the Vikings!. Meanwhile Pagans across the world celebrated the longest Summers day, just before the referendum kick-starts the longest night.

18:54

Police Address Violence Against Women By Asking Google Maps To Remove Walking Option The Betoota Advocate

RICK MOSS | Resolutions | CONTACT In the days since a tragic incident in Melbourne sparked a national debate over the safety of women in our country, police and government officials around the country have announced immediate action plans for protecting their testosterone-impaired citizens. Following their comments urging women to take responsibility of their own safety in suburbs []

The post Police Address Violence Against Women By Asking Google Maps To Remove Walking Option appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

18:42

Someone blamed Hyundai for David de Geas gaffe and then Hyundai joined in The Poke

This is one of those marvellous moments when you make a joke about some giant faceless corporation and the giant faceless corporation joins in.

It started when someone noticed this about Spanish keeper David de Geas comedy gaffe against Christiano Ronaldo in the World Cup (you might have to look once or twice to clock it).

Beautifully spotted sir!

Lots of people joined in, of course.

And then so did these guys.

Which got almost as many retweets as the original joke.

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18:19

Last Friend Still Talking About Crypto Concedes That The Dream Is Over The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There will be no Lamborghini. No beach house. No weekend getaways in the private jet, nor models to occupy the Gulfstreams plush leather seats. Instead, only broken dreams and a seemingly dead-end job in a field that will cease to exist once next years doomsday recession takes hold. Today has been []

The post Last Friend Still Talking About Crypto Concedes That The Dream Is Over appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

18:11

Absolutely the funniest reviews of any MPs constituency offices youll see today The Poke

Stand-up comedian, Tiernan Douieb, noticed that not only can people review their MPs constituency offices on Google Maps, but that someone had given Jeremy Hunt a brilliant 1-star hammering.

In case thats not clear, and because its worth reading again anyway, here it is in all its glory.

Invited Jeremy round for dinner. By the time coffee was served he had shut down our conservatory and privatised the neighbourhood watch scheme.

As a result, we now have to put up with Richard Branson turning up every Tuesday night to chair the meetings and essentially making Mrs Winterton from number 16 redundant

He isnt the only recipient of bad feedback. Heres one for the Prime Minister herself.


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17:34

Optus CEO Says He Unplugged Modem And Blew Into The Outlet So Everything Should Be Sweet The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Optus CEO Allen Lew has assured FIFA World Cup fans that everything should be sweet, after he unplugged the network modem himself, and blew air into the outlet before reinserting the cord. This comes as Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has been assured by the chief executive of Optus that the telco giants streaming issues []

The post Optus CEO Says He Unplugged Modem And Blew Into The Outlet So Everything Should Be Sweet appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:01

You wont wheely believe the assistance Ronaldo had with his second goal against Spain The Poke

Portugal launched its World Cup campaign with a hat-trick from Cristiano Ronaldo securing a draw against Spain. Football writer, Dan Critchlow, noticed something odd about why the Spanish keeper, David De Gea, failed to save Ronaldos second shot.

A clear case of interference against Spains goalie, or possibly a hit and run. Hyundai was widely blamed in the replies, but tweeted this.

But they would say that, wouldnt they?

Someone called @_LeeWhite explained what had really happened.

Kane was driving and hes claimed it.

The post You wont wheely believe the assistance Ronaldo had with his second goal against Spain appeared first on The Poke.

16:55

Patrice Evra applauded a fellow World Cup pundits analysis 11 favourite responses online The Poke

ITVs World Cup pundit Patrice Evra managed the unlikely feat of stopping people talking about the football for a minute after some viewers were enraged when he applauded the analysis of a fellow (female) pundit.

Evra was accused of sexism after clapping the analysis of former Chelsea and England international Eni Aluko during the channels coverage of Serbias match against Costa Rica.

Here are our favourite reactions online (including the moment itself).

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16:21

Rod Liddle said this about the World Cup and its the best burn youll read this week The Poke

Rod Liddle told Sunday Times readers he didnt get to watch England win the 1966 World Cup because his parents sent him to bed before extra time started.

Poor lad, we feel for him, what a thing to miss out on.

Except, er, a reader had this to point out in a letter to the paper on Sunday.

Good on them for printing it, we guess, and we look forward to Liddles response next week. Well, only a bit.

Source

The post Rod Liddle said this about the World Cup and its the best burn youll read this week appeared first on The Poke.

15:57

Birdie Song Set To Invade Your Brain Again TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

It was the soundtrack to 1981, the backdrop to an entire summer of crazy 'wing-flapping' on the dancefloor, and probably the worst record you ever heard, but the Birdie Song by The Tweets is up for re-release next month. Originally written in the...

15:36

Nines Sports Arm Renamed Wide World Of Reality TV After Losing Rights To Almost Everything The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Channel Nine has confirmed today that they will be renaming their iconic and long-running anthology brand the Wide World Of Sports (WWOS) this summer. Nines WWOS has rivalled Channel 7s sporting coverage for decades but is now set to be renamed the Wide World Of Reality Television, (WWORT) with executives at the company having already admitted that it doesnt quite []

The post Nines Sports Arm Renamed Wide World Of Reality TV After Losing Rights To Almost Everything appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:25

Irresponsible Woman Walks Somewhere The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local woman has today put her life at risk by taking part in one of the main forms of locomotion among legged mammals. While deciding how to best get between point A and point B, local woman Gloria Innes (27) irresponsibly assumed that she would be able to walk less than a kilometre in []

The post Irresponsible Woman Walks Somewhere appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:11

Stan Grants Personal Assistants Assistant Confident Her Job Will Survive ABC Sell-Off The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT More than 100 MPs and members are in Sydney for the Liberal Partys annual federal council which is expected to be the last before the next federal election. The right-wing political classes have already announced several new positions aimed at dealing with any detractors or commentators who might bring their ruling party into []

The post Stan Grants Personal Assistants Assistant Confident Her Job Will Survive ABC Sell-Off appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:22

Team Passing Drill Throw A Curve Ball As Prop Cheekily Handballs The Steeden The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If fourth-grade suburban rugby league is the sport of kings Paddy OConnor is certainly the crown price of the local competition. Either that or court jester according to those who play with the swashbuckling 29-year-old prop forward. Case in point being at a forwards gym and drill session down the Dolphins []

The post Team Passing Drill Throw A Curve Ball As Prop Cheekily Handballs The Steeden appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:02

Women Need To Be More Careful Says Man Who Passed Out In Pub Car Park On Friday Night The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local man Gordon Leonard (25) says male on female violence can be easily avoidable if our nations women take care of themselves and dont end up in situations where they might be vulnerable. The South Betoota-based Joe Rogan-enthusiast says he shares the same concerns as everyone when it comes to the rates of []

The post Women Need To Be More Careful Says Man Who Passed Out In Pub Car Park On Friday Night appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:18

Farmers Knowledge Of The Land Set To Die With Him After Sons Decide Not To Take The Farm On The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local grazier has had to come to terms with the fact that all the knowledge hes gained during his farmer career is probably going to die with him after his youngest son revealed he doesnt want to follow in his fathers footsteps. At 68-years-old, Miles Culter had entertained the idea of []

The post Farmers Knowledge Of The Land Set To Die With Him After Sons Decide Not To Take The Farm On appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:32

Italian Mate Says The Standard Of Soccer In 2018 World Cup Has Been Pretty Shit So Far The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A prominent Italian-Australian from West Betoota has today declared that he hasnt really been watching much of the soccer, because its been really shit. Local boutique stone and tile retailer, Marco Bianchi (32) says its pretty weird that so many shit teams got in, and the bits and pieces he has seen on []

The post Italian Mate Says The Standard Of Soccer In 2018 World Cup Has Been Pretty Shit So Far appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

May to give NHS birthday present of HMV vouchers NewsBiscuit

Despite claiming to have found another 20bn for the NHS in left over change from the DUP, the Prime Minister has drawn up a gift list involving socks, scented candles and an ironically titled self-help guide. She has also booked a indoor childrens play area, so every medical practitioner can experience two hours in a warehouse, screaming at the top of their lungs, as they bounce off the walls a typical working day, essentially.

Tax payers aggrieved to be paying for their own birthday gift, may also be wondering why they are only getting a 5 voucher after having put 100 in the pot or how PFI shareholders got a PlayStation 4? Theresa Mays initial idea was for a surprise 70th, the surprise being that after six years of Jeremy Hunt there still was an NHS.

Interestingly, the Government has decided to re-brand their legal responsibility to fund services as a present . Which means Universal Credit will now be referred to as a bounteous gift, education funding as a charitable donation and pensions as a tip.

Another potential present had been three months of NHS free-parking but that was calculated to be worth more than the 20bn. Mrs Mays bestowal will also have an accompanying card, entitled Get Well Soon.

08:30

Tony Abbott Appointed Minister In Charge Of Not Selling The ABC

The Turnbull Government has announced a new Ministerial appointment this week with former Prime Minister Tony Abbott being appointed the Minister for Not Selling The ABC.

I think Tony will do a marvelous job in helping us convey to the general public our intentions of not selling the ABC, said Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. You chaps in the media like stirring up trouble. Just because the Liberal council and the IPA of which most of our Senators are members want to sell the ABC does not mean we will sell it this year.

I mean have you seen how little bananas are selling for, we need to wait for the price to be higher before we sell.

When reached for comment on his appointment Mr Abbott said: Australians can trust that I, Tony Abbott will not sell the ABC. I am a man of my word. I have previously promised that there would be no cuts to the ABC and I delivered on that.

Sure we took money off the ABC but we did not cut anyone or anything on ABC premises. Now if youll excuse me Im off to see Rupert MUrdoch to see how much hes willing to pay, hypothetically if we were to sell the ABC.

Mark Williamson 

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