|IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Archiver|
IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.
With great power comes great responsibility.
An ultimately hollow message that rings through Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4, a fantastic game that falls short of greatness because it never addresses the fact its titular character failed to protect New York City during the tragic events of September 11, 2001.
Marvels Spider-Man is a true joy to play. Swinging around New York City and using a variety of signature powers and moves truly puts the player into the costume of the masked hero. It also makes you feel a sense of confusion as to why Spider-Man chose to use exactly zero of those abilities to help stop the greatest terrorist attack in American history.
As much fun as I had webbing enemies in creative ways, i couldnt help but think Why was Spider-Man so stingy with his webbing when it came to the hundreds of people forced to jump from the twin towers? Thoughts like this mar what is otherwise the best gameplay in the series history.
The story of Spider-Man revolves around his clashes with the infamous Sinister Six and the sacrifices he has to make in order to protect those that he loves. It is a powerful tale, but as I played through the story I found myself wondering that perhaps Spider-Man could have focused less on the Sinister Six and a little more on the plans of the Sinister Nineteen hijackers who tore our country asunder on that fateful autumn morning.
It wouldve been so easy to weave Spider-Mans ultimate failure into the games existing story. Why not have one of the villains, Mister Negative, get his powers from being at Ground Zero during the attacks, causing Spider-Man to feel responsible for his wicked transformation? The roadmap to an incredible story is so clear and yet ultimately ignored as you swing around post 9/11 Manhattan.
Insomniac should be applauded for so-closely recreating the look of New York City, but unfortunately they failed to capture its spirit by not including NPCs who are constantly yelling at their friendly neighborhood spider-coward who so clearly betrayed their city.
When Spidey masterfully swings over the picture-perfect streets of the Big Apple, pedestrians below should be shouting in thick New York accents Hey Spidey, I hope that web snaps and you break your fucking back! and Look its Spider-Man, the only guy in NYC who forgot about 9/11. as they throw cans and bottles at him.
Initial investigations into the breakdown of a high-speed train just north of Exeter indicate that it should have been travelling more slowly in recognition of the speed at which the local population gets things done.
Several hundred passengers had to be rescued from the stricken Hitachi 800 and taken to the local village caf where they were each expected to discuss the weather and that nice man who asks the questions on The Chase before being served a cup of tea and a slice of home-made cake.
The train operator GWR apologised for the breakdown via social media but, as Twitter is considered a bit frantic in Devon, GWR also plans to issue hand-written letters. They should reach everyone by a week next Wednesday if they can post them in the next couple of days.
Local residents werent surprised that the train came to a standstill, however. All that rushing about, no-one needs none of that and these new high-speed trains are not right, explained Mrs Jan Hewlett. They should learn to take their time and only when theyve been doing things at our pace for 20 years will they be accepted around here.
A GWR spokesman said that automatic rolling stock velocity management systems based on measurements of the local pace of life were being trialled, with trains hurtling out of London and slowing down as they approach the West Country. However, were having a few teething troubles, he admitted. They tend to come to a complete halt as they approach Penzance.
Stir fry recipes will never be the same after someone shared their pepper epiphany on Twitter.
OK so I've just found out that green peppers turn yellow then orange then red and they're actually all the same pepper just less ripe and my mind is blown
Amy (@callmeamye) September 11, 2018
And it turns out Amy yep, looks like we can call her Amy wasnt the only one to be taken aback.
Laura Lovette (@laurajaylovette) September 11, 2018
I need to tell everyone I know this immediately, brb
Laura Lovette (@laurajaylovette) September 11, 2018
FYI apparently this wont happen in your fridge, only on the vine haha
Amy (@callmeamye) September 11, 2018
Tamzin (@TamzinSwann) September 12, 2018
On the vine! Its why red ones are the sweetest because theyre most ripe
Amy (@callmeamye) September 12, 2018
I thought there was just plants full of each co...
SANTA CLARITA, Calif. Pastor Paul Michaels of the Cornerstone Church announced today that he is currently on the verge of figuring out a solid Fortnite metaphor to use in his next sermon.
Im so excited! Pastor Michaels told reporters. Ive been in contact with God, and the Fortnite Wiki, for days wracking my brain to get young people as interested in Gods love as they are in whatever new dance is being released now.
Though reluctant to give too much away, Michaels offered a sneak peak of the elusive metaphor to gathered press earlier this afternoon.
So if you think of this church as your squad, right? Its a fifty versus fifty, and the devil and his forces are the other team, he began, before losing some steam. You have to work together to if you want to find the good loot no, look, only by squadding up with Jesus can you attain the real Victory Royale, yeah, thats right, and whats more Royale than the kingdom of heaven?
Not bad, huh? the satisfied youth pastor asked upon completion of the Fortnite metaphor.
Melissa Michaels, Pauls wife, confirmed that the pastors church office has been filled with discarded sheets of paper containing his notes, painting a picture of the long struggle to capture the evasive comparison.
Here he was talking about how getting baptised is essentially boarding the Battle Bus, only God chooses where you drop and its more of a Baptism Bus, she explained, before revealing a screenshot of a John Wick skin that Michaels had circled and written JESUS?? underneath.
Pastor Michaels says that he was originally looking to relate to his youth congregation through their similar appreciation for PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds, but after a majority of the hard-to-reach 12-14 male congregants let him know that Fortnite was so much better than PUBG, like, in every way he decided to pursue that route instead.
I was kind of disappointed, he said, because I thought Id nailed down a segment where I let the kids know that the real chicken dinner is Gods love and that He wants us all to be winners, but you know, He works in mysterious ways.
At press time, Pastor Michaels went on to explain that while access to the Lord is technically available for free, users will find a much more satisfying experience upon pledging a regular financial donation.
CLEVELAND Your mom casually suggested last night, while you took a brief break during your band practice, that you guys add a few James Taylor songs to your bands repertoire, sources confirmed.
Dont get me wrong I like all of your songs, but I think you guys would love some of James Taylors stuff, she said, as everyone in your band politely smiled. Maybe if you just learned a few classics, like Fire and Rain, and How Sweet It Is, Nancy from next door would come over to listen with her new husband, Dave. Wouldnt that be nice?
Your mom added that, while Taylors folksy soft-rock melodies are a bit different than that screechy stuff you guys usually play, he also has plenty of groovy tunes that are sure to rock your socks off.
Oh, you bet your father and I got pretty darn wild at JTs 1975 show in Milwaukee, she said, wistfully gazing off into the middle distance. You guys have probably never seen two people get as crazy as we did when he played Dont Let Me Be Lonely Tonight.
You should definitely learn more songs like Rainy Day Man, your dad added from the TV room. Then, maybe, you could play some of them at your cousin Margarets graduation party next month.
Unfortunately, local music historian and Zumba instructor Tanya Suarez echoed your moms assessment that adding two or three James Taylor songs into your set list is key to attracting the crucial 55 to 64-year-old demographic.
Youll have all the ladies in the neighborhood lining up down the street if you learn the riff from Your Smiling Face, said Suarez, gently swaying her hips and humming the chorus to the 1977 adult contemporary hit single. And if you really want to mix things up, Kenny G has some great tunes, too.
At press time, your mom was drinking chardonnay and singing softly with your aunt Marion in the driveway, while your bandmate Steve Ratbag Thompson played the bassline to Handy Man.
The post Mom Thinks You Guys Should Learn a Few James Taylor Songs appeared first on The Hard Times.
This avocado and toast breakfast went viral because the woman who ordered it couldnt believe she just paid 10 for it (or, to be strictly accurate, 18 Australian dollars).
This happened to me five hours ago and Im still furious pic.twitter.com/0OXyhscz5y
Jess McGuire (@jessmcguire) September 16, 2018
We can see where shes coming from.
Theres deconstructed and then theres deconstructed.
Although this one wasnt even listed as such on the menu at the Kettle Black Cafe in Melbourne.
Heres what Jess McGuire told ABC Melbourne.
When it arrived on a piece of slate I wasnt angry, I just thought it was really funny.
We need more live camera shots on our weather forecasts over here because hopefully then this will happen.
Wait for it, as they say.
Wait for it pic.twitter.com/4hsVNqipy1
John Bick (@JohnBick4) September 14, 2018
The only way this could have been better would be if it had eaten him.
I, for one, welcome our Crow overlords.
Rock Strongo (@krisholio) September 16, 2018
Bill Turnbull (@billtu) September 17, 2018
Becky Quick (@BeckyQuick) September 17, 2018
The post This weather guys live camera suffers an unexpected interruption and itll make your day better appeared first on The Poke.
Heres the Department of Work and Pensions with a little bit of advice for jobseekers.
DWP (@DWP) May 22, 2016
Of course! A 90-minute commute! Both ways! Does that include getting to the station and making our way to the office the other end?
Here are the only 7 replies you need.
I commuted for 3 hours per day for 6 years. It cost me 3000 per year and contributed to me having a mental breakdown. Its not ideal, lads https://t.co/hj7RSs5zU4
Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) September 17, 2018
If work is 90 minutes away, unless you're driving, you're effectively halving your salary with public transport costs. Far out. https://t.co/v6tYr1MxZL
Mike Stuchbery (@MikeStuchbery_) September 16, 2018
Are you going to fund 24/7 childcare to help parents who are working 90 minutes from their homes? Are you going to fund people's travel costs, when a ticket to 90 minutes away from me costs 133.30 day return? https://t.co/r9wnNLJTmq
sianushka (@sianushka) September 17, 2018
I live in Leeds. By those standards, I should be looking for jobs as f...
This map be bezzleford of potential EU learning names may still be the best thing about Brexit, as shared by @TerribleMaps.
Potential EU leaving names pic.twitter.com/046FhrZ6ol
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) February 14, 2017
So many good ones to choose from
Thomas Krausz (@tkrausz24) February 14, 2017
"Fin-land" et "Quitaly" >>>>
Libert Egalit Mbapp (@Sarahxaz) April 4, 2017
CRYING IN DANSK pic.twitter.com/RhBnfL7WVM
Maslivett // (@eurovisionmate) February 2, 2018
LOL at 'Maltalavista'! My favourite has to be 'Czech-out' though. Brilliant!...
Someone posted this picture of beans on toast on Instagram, as shared by @pandamoanimum. Except its not beans on toast is it, and for some people thats the problem. A big problem.
Someone I follow on Instagram posted this picture of their lunch and now Im pretty sure that theyre a psychopath. pic.twitter.com/0HRWHfT6DM
Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 12, 2018
And here is how people reacted online.
Or, just British. Are they British?
Karin Robinson (@karinjr) September 12, 2018
Yes. But Im British and know it should be beans ON toast not beans AND toast.
Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 12, 2018
OK, but bear with me: what if you put the beans on a plate to microwave them while the toast is toasting?
But dont go by me. Im British by naturalisation, but I hate beans.
Karin Robinson (@karinjr) September 12, 2018
Who microwaves beans on a plate? You microwave beans in a bowl!
Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 12, 2018
All this talk about microwaving beans has caused my British hubby to roll his eyes...
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A big chesty unit with a relatively well-maintained haircut and no facial hair is so out of place in a Townsville pub that fellow patrons have assumed hes an AJ. AJ, a derogatory term used almost exclusively in Townsville and Wagga, has been around since the early 1980s in fact, so long 
The post Relatively Athletic Looking Man In Townsville Pub Presumably Army appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
James Jordan isnt on Strictly Come Dancing anymore which is a shame because if he was someone could ask him about this.
The swivel-hipped hardbody took to Twitter to send his good wishes to his friends in Hong Kong as they bear the brunt of Typhoon Mangkhut.
A lovely gesture no doubt, it was just the clip that accompanied it that raised eyebrows.
Hoping all my friends in Hong Kong are safe. And all who have been effected by the terrifying typhoon
This pilot needs a medal or something. True hero saving everyone
And here it is
Hoping all my friends in Hong Kong are safe. And all who have been effected by the terrifying typhoon
This pilot needs a medal or something. True hero saving everyone pic.twitter.com/PY6uFcq1s5
James Jordan (@The_JamesJordan) September 16, 2018
Is that real?
Matt Johnson (@Mattjohnsons) September 16, 2018
I think so mate, I used to live there and my friends have been sending me loads of horrific footage
Some live from there apartments
They said the worst has past now.
Hope you are well mate!
James Jordan (@The_JamesJordan) September 16, 2018
Please validate your source before posting. This has been sent around for hours and is completely fabricated. All arrivals to HK were cancelled today.
Johan Hirn (@JohanHirn) September 16, 2018
Was taken from Times News International
TRACEY BENDINGER | Cadet | CONTACT A local woman sitting on her couch in her pyjamas has today had to seriously question whether or not her boss was taking the piss, after receiving an email outlining some work that needed doing urgently. Its understood that Jorja Wiltons bosss request was not as outrageous as she was making 
The post Day Spent Working From Home Ruined By Some Shit That Could Have Waited appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Small children have a wonderful way of viewing the world, with a curiosity and a delight in everything that adults have usually sadly abandoned. If you dont believe this, check out these jokes written by children, which are hilariously bonkers. When writer Joe Randazzo shared a question posed by his 4-year-old child, it received a lot of replies, some more serious than you might think it deserved.
This was his question.
Can anyone answer my 4yos question: would the sun melt a ghost?
Joe Randazzo (@Randazzoj) September 15, 2018
These were our absolutely favourite answers.
What if its actually the opposite? Like if a ghost touches the Sun it absorbs all of its energy and matter which consequently kills all life on earth, causing 5B new ghost births resulting in ghost over population so its like the first thing youre taught in ghost school
Duke of Cucamonga (@CucamongaDuke) September 16, 2018
Ghosts are meant to be non-corporeal and would therefore be unaffected by the natural laws of physics. Of course this assumes a kind of Mind/Body dualism as first preposed by DesCartes which has a real dilemma of causal relations. Good luck!
Thomas R. Wood (@ModernWood) September 15, 2018
I know how most people expect me to answer this, but in reality: The Sun would technically *vaporize* a ghost.
Phil Plait (@BadAstronomer) September 15, 2018
Melting is defined as transition between solid/liquid or liquid/gas phase...
According to reliable sources, such as MI6, Baron Munchausen and Geppettos son, the deceased Labour leader was seen acting suspiciously dead in the vicinity of a recent poison attack. Despite having alibi witnesses like his coroner Mr Foot is accused of spying for Russia and by implication having helped Jeremy Corbyn make lefty jam.
The very personification of a sleeper agent, Mr. Foot is alleged to have lain very still in Golders Green Crematorium since 2010. However, once contacted by his Moscow handlers, Mr. Foot set about terrorising the people of Salisbury with Marxist ideas, such as a national health service, free at the point of delivery.
While alive Mr. Foot was charged by The Times for being a communist, fascist and wearer of donkey jackets. Although subsequent court cases proved Rupert Murdoch to have committed libel and to be a complete failure at recognising a duffle coat.
Three of the last ten Labour Leaders were known Soviet spies, while the others were simply Tories. Meanwhile, Salisbury remains a favourite haunt for fans of spires and espionage; said one MI6 operative: The suspect may have been exposed to nerve agent, so keep on the look out for anyone with one Foot in the grave.
As Hurricane Florence subsequently downgraded to a storm battered the Carolinas, most residents either evacuated to safer areas or hunkered down in strong shelters. Not this reckless individual, though.
Who washes their car in a hurricane? pic.twitter.com/ZHtxSkTR2B
Conservative Pets (@ConservativePTZ) September 14, 2018
Were pretty sure that wasnt clean water falling from the sky and were quite baffled, but the unusual timing of this car wash resonated with a lot of people.
I've once thought of doing this during a weak tropical storm, but not with trash cans rolling down the street. https://t.co/P5POdiCkNa
Dale Hurd (@DaleHurd) September 15, 2018
Chuck Norris. https://t.co/IdUaiHK18x
Ecklebob Chiselfritz (@RotNScoundrel) September 15, 2018
I think the word you are looking for is 'hero'. https://t.co/ErQXKUxmR8
Pradheep J. Shanker, M.D., M.S. (@Neoavatara) September 15, 2018
Doug Powers (@ThePowersThat...
Heres someone called Linda Harvey, founder of the Christian Right organisation Mission: America, who had this to say about sex education and the nations youth.
JoeMyGod (@JoeMyGod) September 15, 2018
It looks like she really did.
Lets not forget the deadly contribution of LGBTQ advocates who demand inclusive sex ed i.e., lessons that outline in detail how kids can engage in anal and oral sex, the sex practices of homosexuals.
These lessons often encourage masturbation and pornography use. The gay community explodes over any attempt to restrict homosexual access to youth. But the evidence is everywhere that their influence is despicable.
And here are our 10 favourite takedowns.
I just found out I have been gay this whole time. https://t.co/L3SmqS6R4b
John Scalzi (@scalzi) September 16, 2018
As a straight white man, I feel terrible for appropriating this for our culture.
Michael DallaValle (@MDVimprov) September 15, 2018
That explains her facial expression.
Stirling Shultz (@svtshultz) September 16, 2018
Wow! Who knew? Ive been calling myself heterosexual for years. Now that Ive found out Im homosexual I shall wear the name proudly.
Diane Tucker (@DPettibone) September 15, 2018...
We havent got any time for so-called life hacks but in this case well make an exception. Stick with it.
this life hack rules pic.twitter.com/OE0NDfpoMB
an actual dog (@devtesla) September 16, 2018
Said it was worth it.
You have no idea where this is going until suddenly its OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET A BLOW TORCH FROM I MUST DO THIS IMMEDIATELY https://t.co/gq624NIyiC
Mikey Smith (@mikeysmith) September 16, 2018
Is there a vegan option?
Charlie Marriott #FUSE (@CharlieMarriot9) September 16, 2018
Yeah: just eat the stick.
Bantrim Smoot (@gilfer) September 16, 2018
Thought 1: this is gonna be a bong
Thought 2: this is a lot of effort for a bong
Thought 3: meat?!
Thought 4: that was a lot of effort to get meat on a stick
Andy Double You (@SpaceManAndy) September 16, 2018
I can honestly say this is not where I thought this video would go https://t.co/2ScsW0iyD0
Amrita (@amritaIQ) September 16, 2018
RT News interviews Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov, who are nice people
Margarita Simonyan: Good morning gentlemen
Alexander Petrov: Yes, were gentlemen, that is right. Good morning Margarita
Ruslan Boshirov: Yes, good morning. What would you like to talk about?
MS: Id like to talk about your controversial visit to Salisbury
AP: I dont know why you say its controversial. Perhaps you should reconsider that statement
RB: Salisbury is a cathedral city in Wiltshire, England, with a population of 40,302 at the confluence of the rivers Avon, Nadder, Ebble, Wylye and Bourne
MS: All very interesting, but I could have found that out from Wikipedia
AP: Perhaps. But what exactly are you trying to say, Deputy Editor?
RB: The citys cathedral is famous for its 123m spire, and its clock, the oldest of its kind in the world that is still working
MS: Ahem, Im Editor-in-Chief
RB: Salisbury is approximately 20 miles (32 km) from Southampton and 30 miles (48 km) from Bath.
MS: So, maybe you can explain to the decadent West why you were in Salisbury?
AP: Thats better. We had heard from good friends, might have been in a bar or club maybe but definitely not a gay bar that Salisbury is a fine place to visit. It has a cathedral, you know, that is famous for its 123m spire, and its clock
RB: yes, an excellent clock. Its a large iron-framed clock without a dial located in the aisle. Its supposedly dating from about 1386, and is said to be the oldest working clock in the world, although a similar statement is made of the clock in the cathedral of Beauvais in France and said to date from 1305
MS: Er, thank you, Mr Boshirov. So, to clarify your story for the capitalists, please could you talk us through your visit to Salisbury
AP: Well, after getting instructions er, advice from our good friends, we flew Aeroflot to Heathrow, and stayed in East London because its on the way to Salisbury. Our friends advised that London has criminals as does Moscow, and they suggested a very safe house near Stratford.
MS: And then what ?
AP: On Saturday, we caught the train to Salisbury, had a quick walk around to plan our Sunday trip, then got on the train back to Stratford
Then, on Sunday, we tried to find the cathedral. Apparently, we walked in the wrong direction for nearly a mile couldnt find it anywhere! So, we turned around & immediately saw it right behind us. We felt so embarrassed, especially as wed only left a few minutes to see the cathedral. It was very tall & pretty, you know. Lovely clock
RB: yes, lovely clock, oldest working clock in the world, you know, although a similar statement is made of
MS: Yes, Mr Boshirov, I think weve done that bit. So, you rushed back, and got on your flight back to Moscow ?
AP: Yes, thats right. It was a lovely weekend, just th...
With Katie Hopkins in the news battling to stave off bankruptcy after an unfortunate court case, it is an entirely appropriate time to remember when the Daily Mirror printed this all-time great correction about the former Apprentice contestant.
As "katie hopkins" is trending, lets not forget that she got one of the all time great apologies in print. pic.twitter.com/x950cYmDis
History Scientist (@historyscientis) September 16, 2018
And a reminder of how people responded at the time.
The ruling lended itself to some golden responses and were glad to report they didnt disappoint.
This is like the time I received an apology for someone saying I had a spot of urine on my trousers, when Id merely explosively shat myself in a crowded theatre. https://t.co/mtqjFcRNwx
Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) May 24, 2018
Sir, I wish to complain. You've stated that I missed work due to illness. I wish to make it clear that I was actually at home trying to wank off a dog corpse https://t.co/RbfjfzmalE
Stuart Heritage (@stuheritage) May 24, 2018
Jonny Sharples (@JonnyGabriel)...
Prime Minister Theresa May has told the BBC that her Chequers plan is the only way to avoid a no-deal Brexit, and that if MPs dont support it, theyll be responsible for the UK crashing out of the EU.
Just in case you missed it
The Chequers plan in 12 points. pic.twitter.com/dD2fW2CTaz
Robbie Gibb (@RobbieGibb) September 17, 2018
Thank goodness, then, for author and Twitter essential, Aaron Gillies known as @TechnicallyRon who has come up with his own take on the 12-point plan.
Not impressed with Theresa Mays 12 point Brexit plan tbh pic.twitter.com/WCxrY41q9L
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 17, 2018
Its even written in Comic Sans, the least credible of all fonts. Theresa May obviously missed a trick there.
Seems legit. https://t.co/Er2YW6iSKV
originaltotsandpears (@LaughingIguana) September 17, 2018
my only complaint is use of the word "less" instead of "fewer" in number 12 https://t.co/oAxr7C5QeH
Osboc (@Osboc_) September 17, 2018
Next level trolling or world class misunderstanding, we prefer just to enjoy it for what it is, as shared by @1902ryan.
It began when this chap complained on Twitter he was unable to get tickets for Peterboroughs home game against Portsmouth at the weekend.
We are grateful to @bigmonsterlove for sharing this thing of beauty, the great scone map of the United Kingdom and Ireland.
This is one of the finest maps I've yet seen. pic.twitter.com/GAR9Q7Iw9V
Wise Tweets Commission (@bigmonsterlove) September 14, 2018
It is, it really is.
And these people loved it as much as we did.
Some great and extremely important research has gone on here. And Im not being sarcastic. This, after Brexit, might be the most hotly debated subject in the English speaking world. https://t.co/IBCxf9zEzA
Daniel Stewart (@dnstewart67) September 16, 2018
Glad to see Oldham firmly in the correct blue bit of the map. https://t.co/1hpExxMgKZ
Brian Cox (@ProfBrianCox) September 16, 2018
As useful an answer to the question where does the North begin? as there is: the place where scone is pronounced correctly. https://t.co/iQ2N6uoTAP
alexmassie (@alexmassie) September 16, 2018
I've just discovered why, despite coming from Kent, I've always pronounced "scone" to rhyme wi...
The Government has announced today a deal for 350 million pounds a week with the popular and effective tummy tablet to win the advertising and television rights for Brexit. A government spokesperson said the deal had been under discussion for a while but, after Theresa Mays Florence speech, most people were properly shitting themselves about either the likelihood of a delayed or water-downed Brexit and, therefore, thesynergy with the well-known treatment was an ideal opportunity to take.
From next week, customers will see David Davies sporting a baseball cap with the companys logo, Liam Fox will have branding on his ministerial car and Michael Gove is unlikely to have any alterations made as he already has the natural look of a man holding back on a large turd.
The company also plans to re-shoot Boris Johnsons Olympic high wire escapade as a commercial, with the jolly denouement of the ex-Major spraying observers below with excreta as a warning about what might happen without using the drug or to the whole country if Brexit goes wrong. The company has also delivered a life-time supply of the tablet to our skittish Prime-minister just before she readies herself for her speech at conference. The company is currently in discussions with number 10 (and not number 2) about whether the Prime-Minister will be wearing her famous brown leather trousers when she gives her speech as they think they is another perfect opportunity to promote their product.
Its both a commonly shared joke and not remotely funny how difficult it can be to find good and affordable accommodation in London, which puts the power very much in the hands of the property owners. Translator and editor, Grace Cuddihy, however, may have unearthed a property owner who has let the power go to her head, with a mostly unreasonable set of conditions.
Still looking for a place in London, set up viewing with what I thought was normal person, she insisted I first read her Terms and Conditions. I thought it would be stuff like Pay your rent on time, but here are some of the highlights. pic.twitter.com/US9mXQmKja
Grace Cuddihy (@GraceCuddihy) September 15, 2018
While it may be reasonable to ask people not to waste water, ordering them to smile is definitely unreasonable.
Peoples curiosity was piqued by this taster, so Grace decided to share more of the terrifying list.
1. The worryingly vague invocation of unacceptable attitude.
2. Judging tenants by their sense of humour and education with a smiley face.
Like counting the rings on a felled tree, the cultural references you use can date you fairly accurately, unless youve picked them up from an older person and have literally no idea where they came from. When newspaper columnist, Gary Bainbridge overheard someone using a less-than-current reference, it got him wondering which others might still be in use.
What is your most dated go-to cultural reference? I am inspired by a friend who just invoked Duncan Goodhew. Mine is using Peter Bowles to describe a smooth gentleman.
Gary Bainbridge (@Gary_Bainbridge) September 14, 2018
Judging by the response, it looks like were all stuck in a linguistic rut. These 29 archaic references are obviously particularly difficult to shake off.
Mine is Isadora Duncan for anyone experiencing scarf trouble. Im not even old enough to remember her I inherited it from my parents, who also arent old enough to remember her.
Hippolyta Loudbasket (Mrs) (@Loudbasket) September 14, 2018
Whenever I make mashed potatoI recite: They boil them for twenty of their earth minutesthen they smash them all to bits yakyakyakyak in an attempt at a metallic alien voice. Kids hate it
Patrick Davies (@patrick_davies) September 15, 2018
Its not the ruddy Krypton Factor.
d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) September 14, 2018
Of a police car, sirens on, Hell never sell ice cream going at that speed. Every time, without fail.
David Banks (@DBanksy)...
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The halcyon days of nightlife in Sydney is set to return after the incumbent NSW Government announced today that theyve earmarked a parcel of land next to the Second Sydney Airport site at Badgerys Creek to build a dedicated nightlife district. The move comes after Gladys Berejiklians government face criticism 
The post NSW Government Earmarks Parcel Of Land Near Badgerys Creek For Purpose-Built Nightlife District appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Katie Hopkins has applied for an insolvency agreement in a bid to avoid bankruptcy after losing a libel case involving food writer Jack Monroe.
The rightwing broadcaster and some-time columnist was ordered to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds over tweets she sent in 2015 falsely implying Monroe backed the defacement of war memorials by protestors.
Monroe originally asked for Hopkins to apologise and donate 5,000 to a migrants charity but Hopkins refused to back down so it went to court and here we are.
Hopkins, who no longer writers for Mail Online or broadcasts on LBC, once said poor people in debt have no one else to blame but themselves. Heres how people reacted online.
It's rather nice to see horrendous people face consequences for their actions. Hopkins spread hate, bigotry and racism for years, she gleefully revelled in the pain of others and karma has simply turned up to kick her right up the arse. Today should be a national holiday.
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 16, 2018
Mark DH (@Mark_DHolmes) September 16, 2018
Imagine being @KTHopkins. Saying stuff like show me bodies floating in water, I dont care, knowing youll b...
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the strawberry contamination scandal spreads across the country the fallout for the industry continues with Health Minister Greg Hunt ordering a federal investigation into the matter. However, the needle contaminations appear to be small fries when compared against the newest scandal rocking the Australian fruit and vegetables industry. Several consumers across 
The post Urgent Recall Ordered After Loaded Crossbows Found In Australian Watermelons appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The food giant Masterfoods is facing a media storm today after it was confirmed that a class action has been brought against it. News about the legal action broke this morning, as class suit professionals Slater & Blackburn announced at a press conference that they were taking up the landmark case. 
The post Class Action Brought Against Masterfoods For Sauce Portions That Just Dont Quite Do It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister Uncle Tony Abbott has today backflipped on his previous comments about Muslim ideology, after being introduced to the teachings of the Koran by his cellmate, Spider. This comes after the newly-appointed Special Envoy to Indigenous Affairs, Uncle Tony X was jailed without a trial on Saturday evening, on the 
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Im as cunning as a shit house rat, he said. So many of my friends have jumped into property ownership before they were ready. Struggling to pay a mortgage at record-low interest rates. Paying twice as much as they wouldve five years ago, Idiots. Oliver Markson is a bright, 
The post PROPERTY CRISIS: Millennial Hatches Own Plan To Short Property Market After Watching 60 Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says the government will shut down a dance music festival after two people died and another three were left critically ill after the event on Saturday. Police said as many as 700 people sought medical assistance during the Defqon.1 music festival in Penrith, attended by about 30,000. We 
The post NSW Premier Considers Banning All Genres Of Music That Go Well With Drugs appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Rugbys governing body has urged fans not to panic after Saturdays historic loss to Argentina, telling those concern that theyre simply in a rebuilding phase and the team will go back to winning soon. Rugby Australia CEO Raelene Castle spoke to the media this morning in Sydney, where she 
The post Rugby Australia Assure Fans Everything Is Fine And Theyre Just In A Rebuilding Phase appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Russell Brand has come a long way since Forgetting Sarah Marshall, it has been confirmed. This comes as the English comedian, actor, radio host, author, and activist appeared back in the newsfeed with a salt and pepper beard and some sort of hippy shoal. After rising to fame as an anti-establishment comedy 
The post Russell Brand Pops Back Up In The Newsfeed Looking Real Spiritual appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the School Of Social Sciences at the University Of Queensland has found that prominent late 1990s country pop singer, Shania Twain, had almost unattainably high standards for prospective lovers. This reports comes as the world prepares to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the iconic Canadian singers single That 
The post Report: Shania Had Almost Unachievably High Standards In Hindsight appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
In an inspired piece of casting, the next super-villain to threaten Earth will be The Jacob, a time-travelling eccentric with plans to rear a super-race of Latin-speaking clones in top hats.
Were working on his powers, said a BBC executive. Right now were coming up blank on that front, though he scores in other ways hes instantly recognisable, and is humanoid whilst obviously not 100% human. You could imagine him as an evil Timelord.
He plans to use his time-travel skills to breed a race of super-weird Latin-speaking mini-Jacobs. Because he isnt limited by time, he can breed as many as he wants, so his family could be huge. That bits going really well so far.
He also has an evil plan to halt time, but only in Britain, so that time will run normally in the rest of the universe but Britain will be locked in a particular year were thinking 1895. A forcefield at Dover will prevent time-space continuum problems, and also keep out cuisine and other seditious ideas.
The Doctor has to stop him, naturally, because if he succeeds it will be 1895 and she wont be a doctor any more. Shes a woman, you see.
We want to see children hiding behind the sofa like they used to with the daleks, he continued. Its BBC policy. We thought Strictly Come Dancing would do it, but were going to have to get even scarier.
Scott Morrisons Liberal party has announced that it will introduce quotas into their candidate selection process to ensure that the party is always represented by at least 50% bullies.
Weve heard what people have said about quotas and weve listened, said Prime Minister #ScoMo. The Liberal party has a strong tradition of being run by bullies and I will ensure that this proud tradition continues.
Now give me your lunch money and punch yourself in the head.
When asked why a quota system for bullies and not women was to be put in place the Prime Minister responded: Whoa sexist, women can be bullies as well. Have you ever met Bronwyn Bishop or Sophie Mirabella?
Those two should be in the bullying hall of fame or the Senate as its known as. Now if youll excuse me Im off to beat up my Social media team.
Milwaukee, WisconsinA 20-year-old US Postal Service worker, whom police are calling Jane Doe, admitted to having stolen over 6,000 greeting cards full of cash or checks. But it wasn't for the money, Doe insisted during her arraignment. She...
Great news for everyone here at our anarchist co-op! Folk punk legend and singer of Scuzzy Steve and the Trash Panda Express, Steve Termini, has relapsed on heroin! Fuck yeah dude!
The beloved crust punk singer-songwriter known for his large quantity of independent releases has experimented with various musical styles over the years, each time being positively received by the DIY anarcho-punk community. However, he alienated many of his long-time listeners in 2015 when he took his music in a bold, unprecedented direction by no longer being addicted to heroin. LAME.
Its great timing too. His new stuff just wasnt the same. I want to hear lyrics about stuff I can relate to like stealing your girlfriends Etsy store profits to start a shake-and-bake meth operation or hopping a train to take a shit in a local politicians golf bag. Suddenly hes singing about repairing his relationship with his family. Plus, he doesnt even sound blackout drunk! I dont know if its his change in lifestyle or the fact that I can understand the words hes singing, but Steves lyrics kind of suck. Thank the God I dont believe in hes back!
The relapse occurred shortly after his sponsor severed contact with the legendary musician. His sponsor said one of Steves fans threw a brick through his window with a note threatening his life if he did not cut all ties to Steve. Thats total bullshit. It was a stale loaf of homemade, gluten-free banana bread I made and forgot about when I got high for a month.
Steves father issued a statement on the matter. Stevens mother and I are devastated to learn that he has failed to stay sober after all of his hard work and our many years of support. That said, his last few EPs have been way too polished production wise and were excited to hear him dip into that raw space and sing about killing cops again instead of that posi bullshit hes been on about. This could be his best album ever.
When reached for comment, Steve Termini was dead.
Washington, D. C. - Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee, has been on the hot seat for weeks. And, it gets hotter! Just being nominated by the Trumpster is enough to make him another of the Left's most hated men in America. He is a m...
The two men named as suspects in the poisoning of Sergei Skripal and his daughter have claimed that they only visited the UK as tourists but wont be back anytime soon because Salisbury Cathedral was shit.
Everyone told us you must go to Salisbury to look at the lovely cathedral. We flew all the way from Russia just to see it and when we got there it turns out to be just a big stone church with a spire and a clock. We were so disappointed we left the UK straight away without stopping to visit any other tourist spots or deliver a deadly nerve agent to the home of a former Russian spy.
Also the 7.50 entry fee is too expensive for a couple of guys on the salary of a Russian military intelligence officer, which of course were not, but if we were it would be too expensive. You think maybe we are a couple of oligarchs FFS? One star.
CHICAGO Local record collector Toni Joyce organized her extensive vinyl collection yesterday by whatever basic life necessity the money spent on the record should have financed instead, impressed sources report.
Its still alphabetical, Joyce explained. Only instead of going by the artists name, the record is filed under the first letter of whatever important thing I ignored in favor of buying it. Like this OFF! EP is filed under O, but its only there because I was supposed to get an oil change that day. Thats just a coincidence, but you get the idea.
Inspired by the film High Fidelity, in which John Cusacks character embarks on a quest to organize his records autobiographically, Joyce quickly realized that every moment of her life was centered around never having enough money to get by, but buying records anyway.
Its actually much faster for me to find a record this way, because the guilt of misspending is always at the forefront of my mind, Joyce said, pushing aside a stack of red envelopes all marked past due. Like, when I look at this copy of Neil Youngs On the Beach, I dont see a dude standing on the beach I see a couple days worth of food and an empty refrigerator. That lets me know this whole section here is records that could and should have been groceries.
While impractical, those around Joyce admitted to the appeal of their friends Student Loans and Friends Who Spot Her for Brunch sections of the collection.
Theres actually some really killer stuff hiding out in the smaller sections, said roommate Michel Degnan, eyeing a rare Locust/XBXRX split that should have been a professional haircut. Like, if Toni had opened a savings account when she was supposed to, we wouldnt have this mint first pressing of Kill Em All. I could do without the section labeled Rent, though.
Joyce noted the reorganization has been bittersweet, by and large: for example, the discovery of an Os Mutantes box set, prioritized over a friends GoFundMe campaign, served as a mixed reminder of her poor financial planning.
Yeah, maybe he was only $130 short of his goal but I think Rick would have wanted me to buy it, Joyce explained. RIP, bud. Guess I need to find a different spot for this.
The post Record Collection Organized by What Money Should Have Financed Instead appeared first on The Hard Times.
The plan, codenamed Caper Time, will involve driving red, white and blue minis to the European Central Bank in Milan, filling them with gold bars and making an escape.
An early suggestion to sabotage Milans traffic lights to cause chaos was replaced with a plan just to let Italians drive the way they do anyway.
The whole plan will be masterminded by a dyed-in-the-wool crook currently serving time, though its not known which former Tory cabinet minister this will be.
STOP PRESS: All those involved in the caper have been arrested by Europol when the bus which was due to meet the minis and transport the gold back to Britain failed to turn up, as it was off the road having dodgy statistics painted on its side.
Meanwhile Michel Barnier said, with so much else going on in the world, he wished Brexiteers hadnt come in ere, causing a fracas. For his part, David Cameron said he regretted allowing the referendum in the first place, saying it was only supposed to blow the bloody eurosceptics off.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After rapidly embracing a new model of staunch Indigenous activism, Uncle Tony Abbott has this weekend experienced the same discrimination faced by many of his black constituents. The newly-appointed Special Envoy to Indigenous Affairs says he was arrested for no good reason while walking home from the South Sydney Rabbitohs semi-finals clash 
The post Uncle Tony Arrested For Jaywalking After Being Unable To Hail A Cab Home From The Footy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
The Government has announced plans to speed up the adoption process to enable cubless giant pandas to adopt more easily. Prime Minister David Cameron vowed to tackle the absurd barriers to mixed-species adoption that he claimed led to suffering and heartache for countless panda couples in Scotland. Launching his Adoption Action Plan he told reporters: I find it staggering that no pandas managed to adopt children last year local authorities must stop delaying adoptions in an attempt to find a perfect species match.
The current restrictions have led to some pandas to look further afield for babies, with celebrity panda Madge Madge courting controversy last year when she flew to Africa to adopt a baby. The announcement is good news for Edinburgh panda couple Yang Guang and Tian Tian, who despite days of trying appear to have failed in their bid to become pregnant, but has met with criticism from religious groups who claim that forcing their adoption agencies to consider pandas as potential parents breaches their human rights. Theres probably something in the Bible saying that pandas becoming parents to human children is a sin, said Cardinal Cormac Murphy-OConnor. We can find something, Im sure. We can always find something to justify discriminating against someone if we look hard enough. Did they have pandas in the Bible?
The pandas have rejected those arguments however, pointing out that they both lead extremely chaste lifestyles, hardly ever feeling lustful thoughts and having sex on average just once a year, if that. Thats not quite the full picture, argued Cardinal Murphy-OConnor though. Its well documented that Tian Tian is the mother of twins to another father, although the cubs were taken away from her at a young age and she now has no contact with them, and Yang Guang is also thought to have fathered another cub a few years ago. Theyre not the sort of parents we would want to place a baby with.
Yang Guang denies that he is the father of the cub, and is due to take a DNA test on The Jeremy Kyle show next month in an attempt to clear his name. Theres no way that kids mine, innit, he protested. I never even shagged is mum, she were too pissed. E dunt even look like me or nuffing, ya get me.
MORRIS GOOCH | Local News | Contact A largely unpopular local university student took to the dance floor of the Dickless Parrot Hotel in Betoota Heights last night to showcase his ability to do the robot while simultaneously dropping his guts. Miles Perryford, a 21-year-old business studies from nearby Jundah, told our reporters that he 
The post White Dog Does The Robot Then Drops His Guts On Local Pub Dance Floor appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Proving once again that he is for all Australians, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has decided to improve living conditions for detainees on Nauru Regional Processing Centre with the addition of an in-house Hillsong rock band. According to Morrison, he is very concerned the conditions for the 189 detainees in the Nauru detention 
The post Scott Morrison Lifts Spirits On Nauru With Resident Hillsong Rock Band appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Sources have confirmed that the upcoming God of War: Christianity DLC will only have one boss, a move that many see as continuing a trend of studios pressuring gamers into spending their hard earned money on overpriced and shallow content.
The God of War series top priority has always been historical and cultural accuracy, said creative director Cory Barlog, defending the decision to gathered press earlier today. It would be categorically wrong to have any other boss besides our Lord God, YHWH, the Alpha and the Omega. Besides, theres plenty of other content to justify the $24.99 price tag. We have this really fun fishers of men minigame, and were bringing back quick-time events to make Kratos hug tax collectors.
What a cheapskate! Unsurprisingly, users of the r/GodofWar subreddit were vocally displeased about the announcement.
I cant believe Sony would fuck us over like this, redditor PM_ME_UR_GREEK_NUDES said in a gilded post. Some bootlickers in this sub have been saying there are actually three bosses, but theyre just different forms of the same guy. And I heard most of the DLC is an escort mission with twelve NPCs. Dont support Sonys shitty business practices. I bet a hundred bucks theyre just gonna reskin this one for the Judaism and Islam DLCs.
Although most agree that the release is nothing more than a cynical cash grab, the Vatican has applauded the DLCs theological accuracy. Pope Francis even issued an official papal statement on the matter.
As a devout follower of Christ and a huge fan of that Kratos dude, the Church can wholly endorse the new downloadable content, the statement read. Our playtest of consecrated review code offered at least two hours of Biblically sound ultraviolent gameplay. My favorite new mechanic is how the player must shout three Hail Marys into the PS4 headset to restore health. The regen in Rage Mode was totally OP anyway.
Despite Pope Francis blessing, it appears that the backlash from might have resonated with Sony, resulting in a rare victory for the cash strapped gamer. At press time, Barlog had announced Hinduism DLC, which will add a boss rush mode with 33 million rounds.
The post Rip-Off: God of War Christianity DLC Only Has One Boss appeared first on The Hard Times.
TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact A government-employed town planner has received a rather stern slap on the wrist today after staying a full one-hour later than he is contractually obligated to. Bill Miller was called into his managers office at 9:01 this morning to receive his punishment and be urged not to do 
The post Government Worker Urged To Take 5 RDOs After Doing An Hour Of Overtime appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
For Sharon Dixon, life as a practicing water-colour-artist-and-sculptor in Betoota was a cruel, harsh world. Ontop of her career being held ransom by an entire industry unwilling to promote any artists that arent exploring identity politics in their paintings, she also isnt very talented. I mean, art is subjective she says. I dont use Instagram 
TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Its Sunday today noted Steve, a normal Australian citizen. True replied Canberra resident, Todd Greggory. While this may seem like a rather innocuous exchange between Steve and Todd, its Todds unnecessary reply thats garnered some attention. Todd is from Canberra and in Canberra the word true has managed 
The post Canberran Native Unnecessarily Confirms Statement By Saying True At The End Of It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Scientists from the Seattle Technology Institute National College (STINC) have achieved a major breakthrough in recycling technology. Spokesperson Violet Funk explained. "STINC specializes in recycling human and animal waste, with a focus on conve...
Conor McGregor, the former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, has been suspended from all forms of fighting after potatoes were found growing in his lugoyles. McGregor, 30, the mixed martial artist, who is never far from controversy, was...
A high level official in the Buffalo Bills organization, who refuses to reveal his name, has decided to reveal all in a shocking confession that will rock the football world. "I had to get this off my chest. It's not fair to the fans. Those poor s...
As an internationally renowned rock star, U2s unique guitarist, The Edge, a.k.a. Dave Evans, gets about a bit, so when he asked people to guess where he was in a selfie hed taken on a beautiful day, you can bet he wasnt in a Dublin suburb.
Guess where I am? The Edge pic.twitter.com/CWCZ7DRelJ
U2 (@U2) September 14, 2018
Now, geography may not be our strong point, but as the Eiffel tower is in the background, were prepared to take a wild stab in the dark and assume hes in Paris. However, these 19 magnificent suggestions are a lot more entertaining than our answer.
Bobble hat repair shop https://t.co/gVW8EUcge0
bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) September 14, 2018
Tax haven. https://t.co/2oGkAXkQ2F
David Quantick (@quantick) September 14, 2018
As long as it is nowhere near a recording studio I really don't give a fuck. https://t.co/yDKLPdWVMT
Jazz Paul. (@paulhindley82) September 14, 2018
just left miniature irish pub in your own miniature PARISIEN WORLD theme park
about to climb up miniature EIFFEL tower hang like bobble hat kong and be attacked by rest of band in miniature planes https://t.co/QKDwWMkPWG
simon day (@simonday24) September 15, 2018
Iowa. Robert Downer, 38, and Melissa Crow, 39, finally decided to get together and make love on the bathroom floor of Melissa's apartment last Tuesday. Robert Downer, who has a massive hydrocele in his left testicle and a face that looks like...
As hundreds of turbines stand motionless on the British landscape, the Department of Energy has defended its decision to build giant wind-producing plants nearby to make them energy-efficient.
Britain needs to generate 87 per cent more wind to keep the turbines running all the time, explains Damien Byrdhill of the Department of Energy. The solution is to build electricity generators powering huge fans the size of the Empire State Building.
Strathrennie wind farm in Scotland will be kept running by a coal-fired power station blowing a deafening blast of air through the turbine blades from across the valley. Trees are already being removed from the area, as theyll only be blown down anyway.
Meanwhile, the Corthen wind farm in Cornwall will be powered by a nuclear reactor situated in a nearby nature reserve which will blow a 150mph wind at it 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. This is a groundbreaking advance, a breathless Mr Byrdhill assured his audience at a recent press conference. Well have the turbines running at an unprecedented 99.98 per cent efficiency. Artificial wind is a milestone in the history of green energy provided you forget that its coming from a reactor were building with spare parts from Chernobyl.
When confronted by a resident who complained his home will be in the path of this perpetual hurricane, Mr Byrdhill reacted angrily: Ill huff and Ill puff and Ill blow your house down!
USA All the WayNow that he's wed Hailey Bald Wynn, the blonde bombshell who shaves down there, teen heartthrob Justin Canuck Bieber wants to become an American. But he also wants to retain his Canuck citizenship. As he says to me, his blu...
SANTA ANA, Calif. The latest update to RPG Maker MV will improve the title by quietly deleting it for users a week after installation, the games publishers confirmed yesterday.
The players spoke well, more like painfully groaned after five fruitless minutes of trying to come up with a unique name for their project and we listened, said NIS America representative Jamie Hackett. No more cumbersome uninstall menus or embarrassing admissions that you lack the commitment to design your dream game even when provided piles of premade material. Just a chance to forget how in over your head you were and to buy the game again several months later!
Kate Stabler, who participated in the updates test period, believes its hassle-free self-removal will further cater the program to users like her.
[The update] is perfect for muses like me, said Stabler, scrolling through her document titled Sweet Names for Swords & Shit, that encompasses 498 pages. We cant be bothered with this techie stuff like map layout, damage formulas, or angrily trying to get rid of the program after finding out its way more than we can handle. How else will we generate all this grade-A material for somebody else to implement?
Meanwhile, Steam user Damian Stowe stated the update will help him return to more serious titles in his inventory. Most pressing, he claimed, is Sakura Clicker, a game in which you rapidly click the breasts of scantily clad female enemies to defeat them.
Whos got several minutes to waste on realizing youre too lazy for event mapping or drafting meaningful dialogue? There are heavy-chested evildoers out there! he said, moments before confirming a one-dollar microtransaction that makes some enemies randomly appear in a nurse outfit.
If feedback from the RPG Maker update proves favorable, Kadokawa Corporation has reportedly considered a more aggressive update where the game provides a refund after 20 minutes of gameplay and recommends the user go get a Nintendo Switch and Octopath Traveler instead.
The post New RPG Maker Update Quietly Deletes Program One Week After Install appeared first on The Hard Times.
Boardgames giant Hasbro has announced the latest edition of Cludeo, its iconic whodunit murder mystery game, that in the past has seen Sherlock and and Midsomer Murders special versions released, will be based on Brexit.
Jasper McCleod, the companys UK Head of Marketing said: We felt this is very much a pertinent move, of its time and a really zeitgeisty choice, what with the UK being currently murdered both metaphorically and psychically as a result of the current bungling shambles this government is making of the whole sorry business.
In an impassioned speech from the pokey confines of a nursing home, the ailing NHS hit out about her shocking treatment and labelled her 70th birthday celebrations as a kick in the teeth. For 70 years Ive been delivering a free point of care health service to millions of people and what do I get in return? lamented the decrepit health system. A mention on the BBC and a few stale cakes made in a bake off.
Its all take, take, take these days. They roll up here, most of them obese and smoking like chimneys, and expect me to give them the latest in modern healthcare free of charge, and then two weeks later theyre in A&E with a headache! Did you hear what they laid on for North Korea when it was her 70th? She had street parades, ticker tape, banners. A proper do, it was.
Sources said the NHS shuffled off to bed shortly after the interview, muttering: Theyll miss me when Im gone.
ROANOKE, Va. After watching three bands already, three more bands are scheduled to play before yours tonight at local punk venue Rodderlys, despite the shows late start and a heavily enforced curfew, according to multiple sources.
Yeah, Shock Blaster got added after we made the poster, said bartender Tamara Raglan, between the third and fourth bands for the Tuesday night bill. The bookers cousins band from Toledo apparently lost their show at Java or some shit theyre sort of doom, and sort of industrial. Each one of their songs is, like, nine minutes. Its fucking sick.
Additionally, the sound guy most recently informed you that Shock Blaster brought their touring openers Mizz Muff, and both are reportedly wondering if you have any weed.
Shit, your bassist was overheard saying. Fuck. Ive got my sisters dog tonight. Dammit Ill be back in an hour. I have to get home before it shits on my couch. Text me if you need me to grab food or anything.
Meanwhile, your friends who felt obligated to come out allegedly think the diverse musical styles and offensive length of the show are beginning to be an issue.
The first and second bands kinda bled into each other, said friend Suzie Costa, filling you in since you purposefully avoided them by sitting backstage, smoking hand-rolled Bali Swags. They both had red-headed drummers, and they both covered the same Misfits song, so the whole thing was really confusing.
I took a break during the third band because they had two drum machines and a marimba player, added another friend.
Despite the show running five hours and counting, and your early barista shift tomorrow morning, there are no signs youll be able to leave soon.
You know we have to stay for at least a few songs of the last band, too, so we dont look like dicks, your drummer said, slamming her beer on the bar so hard she crumpled the can. Maybe I can just ask the band before us if I can use their kit, so we can save time on set up? Ugh. There are so many bands here, I wouldnt even know who to ask.
At press time, you were last seen napping in your van after local indie-rock favorites Red Whiskey showed up and made the show an impromptu party for their album release.
Photo by Zach Raffio.
ONLY IN AMERICA - Last Wednesday I submitted an article "I Am Anonymous" to The Spoof. My source, of course, Anonymous. In Anonymous' own words it was described how Anonymous is the most influential person on the planet! In the article, Anonymous als...
The King is Dead! Or is he? The death of Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, on 16 August 1977, shook the world to its very foundations, and set in motion a concerted effort by heartbroken fans to prove that it was all a hoax, and that h...
MAYO CLINIC. ROCHESTER, MN. Doctor's at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic revealed today that a sunflower plant is growing inside a male patient's ear. As explained at a clinic press conference, the unidentified patient sought treatment for an ear th...
La La land, USAIn a follow-up to a Gal Lupp poll in which 51% of DemocRATs confessed to preferring socialism to capitalism, respondents to the poll gave their reasons for their preference. Why work when I can get stuff free? Freddy the Freeload...
Sir Elton John may have said "let one of your fucking country singers do it" on hearing the rumour that he was to perform at President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration, but deep down, it seems he is a fan of the mawkishly boring and notoriously homo...
US President Donald Trump, has addressed the US press corps at the White House this afternoon, and has placed a full and complete ban on ALL spoof stories about himself, especially ones that portray him in a bad light. Mr Trump claims he tired of...
Fans of the children's puzzle book series 'Where's Waldo?' will be interested in a new publication along the same lines, for readers of all ages, featuring the President of the United States, Donald Trump, entitled 'Where's Trumpo?' In the origina...
In a candid one-on-one interview, Satan, the prince of darkness and ruler of all seven circles of Hell, confirmed that he is uncomfortable with the overwhelming success hes acheived in the realm of mortals. While his influence had always been preval...
The stock market went up, then down, then up, then down, then up, then down. It then rose before dropping. This was quickly followed by an increase, which was interrupted by a fall. The market then went up, then back down. It went up, down, u...
Tallahassee, FL Florida elections officials announced today that they had solid evidence that the recent Florida elections were hacked. They point to the fact that O.J. has become the new Governor. "O.J. Simpson wasn't even on the ballot. The fact...
Caracas, VenezuelaVenezuelan President Nicols The Madman Maduro wants to know "what [expletive deleted] happened" a week ago, when explosives-laden drones went off, injuring seven soldiers in what appears to have been an attempt on the dickhead...
Kenny Hartwell of Nashville, Tennessee, recently decided to abandon his preconceived notions about what his life should be like and revel in the absurdity of his existence. It's going well, said Kenny of his new approach to life. For instance,...
Residents in the Battambang commune of Tapon were on alert for a time this morning, after two fish went on the run from a high-security bucket. Local resident, Sawon Kenwood, had purchased the fish yesterday afternoon, with a view to cooking them,...
Mar-A-Lago, FL President Obama's secret bugs in the White House have revealed that President Trump has been trying to purchase a very large estate in Russia, surrounded by a moat and a BIG WALL. He has finally closed on it, after securing loans from...
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