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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Saturday, 26 August

00:30

Literally everything now free with the Daily Telegraph NewsBiscuit

The publishers of the Daily Telegraph, encouraged by the success of their scheme to boost the apparent circulation of their newspaper by giving more expensive items free to people who pretend to buy it, have announced that it will be expanded to include literally everything.

Weve always been aware that the number of retired colonels in Berkshire was likely to diminish over time, said a spokesman for the paper today, so we needed to find a way to keep our apparent sales figures high, without compromising our principles by making the paper in any way relevant to the modern world.

An initial expansion of the scheme to include everything sold by WHSmith, not just bottles of water, was soon broadened to include everything sold by any shop at all.

One homeless man, whose average night on the streets consists of people kicking him, pissing on him and trying to set fire to him, was naturally thrilled to learn he could acquire a 3 bedroomed semi for the price of a newspaper, until he realised he was expected to actually buy the paper.

Look, well supply the 40p, just hold the paper as if you were buying it, just long enough for us to take a photo, said the Telegraphs proprietor David Barclay, as the homeless man pissed on his leg.

YaBasta

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Friday, 25 August

23:04

11 best guesses whats really going on with Ivanka Trumps beautiful letters The Poke

So Ivanka Trump was very proud to tweet a picture of all the beautiful letters she has been sent since her dad got into the White House.

Which got a lot of people thinking. And most of them were thinking the same word.

REALLY?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

...

22:41

Combine Donald Trump with Boris Johnson and you get which Hollywood actor? The Poke

Got it yet?

I made that, shame my name appears to have fallen off it somehow

HappyToast (@IamHappyToast) August 25, 2017

>Source

The post Combine Donald Trump with Boris Johnson and you get which Hollywood actor? appeared first on The Poke.

22:29

When a message can be taken in one of two ways The Poke

This might cheer you up. Alternatively, it could make you feel even worse than you already did.

Source

The post When a message can be taken in one of two ways appeared first on The Poke.

21:30

Trump will keep firing people until he finds the problem NewsBiscuit

Donald Trump has explained the high turnover of White House staff it is because he is determined to find cause of the the incompetence and idiocy that keeps coming out of the Oval Office.

My staff keep telling me there is one very dumb person behind all of this stuppidity he tweeted. Every morning I look in the mirror and tell myself I will find him.

I think Im getting close, so close, to finding the problem., said the President, I asked the head of the CIA to identify the biggest idiot in the White House and theyve managed to give me the initials, Ive just got to find someone with the initials UR.

21:12

White Van Man Walker The Poke

So this happened.

Except it didnt actually happen in the show. HBO are far too clever for that sort of thing to happen (except when they get hacked and broadcast the wrong episode, that kinda thing).

It was in a behind the scenes video.

This also didnt happen in the show, but its rather lovely.

The post White Van Man Walker appeared first on The Poke.

20:44

Deal of the week The Poke

Source

The post Deal of the week appeared first on The Poke.

20:30

My New York Apartment Is Just Like Seinfeld, in That My Roommate Wont Stop Playing Slap Bass The Hard Times

Ive only been in the Big Apple for two weeks but I already feel like Im living in a TV show. One specific TV show, that is. Seinfeld! So what about New York is making me feel like Im living in the most New York of New York sitcoms? Its not the witty banter Im having with everyone I encounter. Its not the zany schemes my crazy neighbor is always roping me into. Its not even the fact that no one around here will give me any goddamn soup. No, what makes my new apartment in New York, New York feel so much like a never ending episode Seinfeld is that my damn roommate wont stop playing slap bass!

Just slappin and poppin in there, all day and all night. My doors closed, but I hear him in there. I can hear him right now!  Accentuating everything I say, funny or not, with a little riff or a lick. It might be maddening if it werent so goddamn funky. Theres no way this will ever get old.

You might be asking yourself right now, Whats the deal with the slap bass? Easy, big fella, Im the one living in Seinfeld, capiche? Plus, how should I know? Maybe this is just a thing in New York. You could also be asking yourself, Dont his fingers get tired and blistered, from incessantly playing slap bass at all hours of the day? (I know I have). But again, I really dont know. Im just the guys roommate, and this is a rent-controlled apartment in Manhattan, so we both just have to deal with it, OK?

Related: The Best (and Worst) Episodes of MST3K to Fuck To

If anything, the constant, repetitive, unimaginative bass soloing that has become my reality inspires me to make my life more interesting. Gotta keep up with sound of that slap bass. A sick bass sting is a great capper to a spirited discussion about opening up our own kooky condiments-only food truck, or mustache salon, or hey heres one: a bakery that only sells muffin tops! Pop the top! See, cant you almost hear those groovy bass pops and smacks in your head now? I can hear them, I always hear them.

But it could be worse. A lot worse. My roommate could be in there playing the xylophone or something. I cant imagine how zany Id need to keep my day to day life if I had a roommate who played the xylophone all the time. And hey, dja ever notice, WHATS the DEAL with xylophones? No? Yeah, me neithe...

20:30

Soldier on Deathbed: I Wasted Most of My Thirty Lives The Hard Times

DALLAS A harrowing scene unfolded today, as decorated war hero Bill Rizer passed away of natural causes surrounded by family and colleagues. Rumors of it being the last of his thirty lives have been confirmed.

As he passed, he expressed gratitude for the profusion of lives, and ultimately, remorse for having squandered so many of them.  

Yeah, that was something Uncle Bill used to talk about, said Jenny Rizer.  Hed always say Thank Christ I have these thirty lives, cuz I guess he lost about 10 of them just trying to jump to things that were too far away.  I can see where that would be a bummer.  But also, maybe quit jumping so much, you know?

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Though he may have arguably misused some by throwing grenades at his own feet, veterans that served with Pfc. Rizer were quick to point out how many of his lives he had lost heroically.

Sure there were the times he forgot how to shoot, and would take a nasty one, said Pfc. Lance Bean, who served with Rizer in the legendary Contra Unit. But there were plenty of times he died nobly, fighting a wall with a bunch of guns coming out of it or saving my ass from one of those things that looked like a scorpion.

Bean pointed out that while he felt fortunate to receive the same abundance of lives as his deceased partner, he also felt his time was running short.

Oh Ive lost my share, he said.  You gotta remember, we come from a different time, they used to just send one guy in there.  Two if we were lucky.

Article by Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the interne...

20:30

Animatronic Band Dropped from Chuck E. Cheese Residency After Retweeting Racist Memes The Hard Times

IRVING, Texas The Pizza Time Players, the animatronic band featured for decades at the Chuck E. Cheese arcade and pizza chain, was blacklisted yesterday from their long-running residency after tweeting a string of racist memes, according to company officials.

The mechanical musicians have been literal and metaphorical fixtures in the Chuck E. Cheese world since their first booking in 1977.

It breaks my heart to see the band go like this, said Chuck E. Cheese CEO Tom Leverton. But I never wouldve expected such hate and vitriol from pre-programmed robots whose sole purpose is to play short parody songs and entertain elementary school kids.

Trouble began for the soul-less quartet after guitarist Jasper T. Jowls shared a meme found on the controversial online forum 4chan.

This is just another example of the left trying to bring down a hard-working robot, the dog guitarist barked online. They werent meant to be hurtful they were just meant to make people laugh. I dont know when everyone got so uptight, but now I know the party zone at Chuck E. Cheese is going to be a lot less rockin.

This isnt the first time the band has faced controversy. The group almost dissolved in 1987 when drummer Pasqually P. Pieplate was accused of flashing his pepperoni at a single mother.

Pasqually cant help the way he is he was programmed that way, said singer Helen Henny. The anthropomorphic chicken/pop idol came under fire herself in 2001 after a drunken interview with Oprah, in which she suggested The Protocols of the Elders of Zion for Oprahs book club.

Related:

Despite assurances from the band that the canine guitarist would be decommissioned, the chain ultimately parted ways with their iconic group. When reached for comment, frontman Chuck E. Cheese, whose name will still adorn the greater company, waxed philosophic about their fate.

If it wasnt this, it would have been something else, said Cheese. The music has been stale for years, Helen and I barely speak to each other anymore, and our record sales are in the toilet. You cant feed an animatronic baby with streaming sales and skeeball tickets.

As of press time, the pizza chain announced the bands residency will be given to fellow animatronic band T...

20:05

Hope youre enjoying Alan Partridge on Good Morning Britain as much as us The Poke

We heard Alan Partridge was coming back on the telly, but we didnt know it was going to be quite this soon.

Heres Madeley/Partridge on the wireless. Back of the net!

Source

The post Hope youre enjoying Alan Partridge on Good Morning Britain as much as us appeared first on The Poke.

19:41

Someones turned that Donald Trump eclipse picture into, well, see for yourself The Poke

Source

The post Someones turned that Donald Trump eclipse picture into, well, see for yourself appeared first on The Poke.

19:31

Huge leap forward in smartphone technology The Poke

Will there be no end to this progress?

Source

The post Huge leap forward in smartphone technology appeared first on The Poke.

19:30

Installation Of Third Floor Zipline Aims To Make Ending White House Career Easier, Funner Daily Discord

Tweet TowerMembers of President Trumps White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when its their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to

19:29

Scargos Mail-Order Catalogue (1977) Scarfolk Council

(click to enlarge)

Mail-order catalogues were very popular in the 1970s, so much so that Scarfolk Council carefully monitored them to ensure all the products promoted and maintained the state's social agendas.

Anybody who contravened the attitude regulations of the day was shipped to a makeshift island three miles off the coast and enrolled in reeducation classes that employed electrodes and toxin-dipped knitting needles as teaching aids.

19:09

Best Twitter comeback youll see this week The Poke

So some guy got in touch with Flight of the Conchords star Jemaine Clement on Twitter.

To which he replied

Ooooof!

The post Best Twitter comeback youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

18:47

24-second clip that tells you all you need to know about Fox News The Poke

Its the pause in the middle that we like best.

Source

The post 24-second clip that tells you all you need to know about Fox News appeared first on The Poke.

18:25

Taylor Swifts new song reminds people of a cheesy 90s hit (and with good reason) The Poke

So Taylor Swift has got a new song out. Which we wouldnt normally bother you with but, well, have a listen for yourself.

And heres the reason why.

Well, co-written, yes. They obviously liked Im Too Sexy so much that they lifted a bit of it in its entirety.

Or, to use the official language, they decided to include an interpolation of a melody from the 1991 number two hit.

Ah yes, takes us right back. What were YOU doing when this came out?

Heres what the band had to say about it.

Yeah, that and a wheelbarrow load of cash.

Source

The post Taylor Swifts new song reminds people of a cheesy 90s hit (and with good reason) appeared first on The Poke.

17:50

The Goo Goo Dolls confirm their hit song Iris is about Tony Windsors political career The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact American rock trio, The Goo Goo Dolls, have told reporters this afternoon that maverick New Englandese politician, Tony Windsor, served as inspiration for their 1998 smash hit Iris  one of the biggest alternative rock staples of the 1990s. The bands frontman, John Rzeznik, the delivered the shocking bombshell today during an []

The post The Goo Goo Dolls confirm their hit song Iris is about Tony Windsors political career appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:18

Warm Toilet Seat Offers Great Insight Into What Just Happened Here The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Local hardware supplies and sales account director, Anthony Rahmond experienced an uncomfortable workplacescenario this morning. Shortly after consuming his International Roast in a paper cup, the young man strolled off to the toilets to slice up his morning colon loaf, as is tradition. However, whilst his paid poos are normally a []

The post Warm Toilet Seat Offers Great Insight Into What Just Happened Here appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:53

Local-private-educated-upper-middle-class-coward says hes a political centrist The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A politely young local man who goes through life trying not to offend anybody has revealed himself to be a political centrist this afternoon something he feels releases him from having any real opinion on any topic whatsoever. Arlo Shaw-Mathewsons birth privilege, he says, means that hes never been on []

The post Local-private-educated-upper-middle-class-coward says hes a political centrist appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:47

The Poke

Congratulations to Baz Patterson in this role and this perfect bit of casting.

Now suspicious that @RealDMitchell may have potentially fathered an illegitimate child along the line notes @Nat_adkins.

And a quick photo of David Mitchells face if you might have forgotten, which is unlikely as hes never off the TV.

Source: Twitter/@Bazzie05

16:33

Daley loses contract negotiation to Queensland 2-1 The Fault Report

DALEY LOST THE CONTRACT WITH THE MEETING IN THE BALANCE

DALEY LOST THE CONTRACT WITH THE MEETING IN THE BALANCE

Laurie Daley admits he made some strategic errors in his loss to a Brisbane-based contract firm who was charged with renegotiating his job as Blues coach.

In hindsight I probably shouldnt have let Andrew Fifita lead the negotiation team, a forlorn Laurie Daley told us.

I thought he would break through their early rhetoric and red tape but his aggression proved pretty ineffective in the office of a contract firm.

If I had my time over again I suppose I wouldve just left him (Fifita) in the car.

At one stage, the contract was looking like it might be salvaged thanks to some quick administrative thinking from Boyd Cordner, however, when it came time to close the deal the wheels fell off.

All Mitch Pearce had to do was sign my name on the dotted line but he dropped the pen and lost it under the desk in that three minutes looking for the pen they changed their minds and sacked me, Daley admitted.

Mitchell Pearce is reportedly still looking for that pen.

THE FAULT REPORT IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REALITY IS PURELY (AND LAMENTABLY) COINCIDENTAL.

16:23

Four passive aggressive messages left for employees thatll make you say this is me The Poke

Im all 4 of the employees says @Haarleyquin over on Twitter and quite frankly us too.

Grant is all of us

Todd is us too

Cody is everyone

And Peter is deffo everyone

Source: Twitter/@haarleyquin

The post Four passive aggressive messages left for employees thatll make you say this is me appeared first on The Poke.

15:58

USyd Erects Bronze Statue Of Brave Activist That Told People To Enrol Last Night The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sydneys inner-west suburb of Newtown is today commemorating the hard work and sacrifice of Australian civil rights activists with a new statue, paid for by the student union of Sydney University. We recognise this statue as a man who gave everything to encouraging people to enrol to vote in a non-binding postal []

The post USyd Erects Bronze Statue Of Brave Activist That Told People To Enrol Last Night appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:49

This clipping from Chat magazine will make you say imagine a night out with this mental b***tard The Poke

What an absolute f***ing nutter! Hes completely bonkers! Hey watch out when this guys around! Crackers! writes @Td_ward.

I worry what happens when the laughter stops though. Bet hes got a dark side. says @Eddierobson.

The post This clipping from Chat magazine will make you say imagine a night out with this mental b***tard appeared first on The Poke.

14:19

The Truthiness Is Out There Daily Discord

Claimed steadfastly, ignorance becomes as acceptable as the truth. Fox News Mulder

13:00

Liberals Encourage Abbott To Blame As Much Stuff As Possible On His Drinking The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the news that Abbott has admitted to drinking too much and sleeping through several votes in federal parliament in 2009, his party colleagues are encouraging him to use this defence on as much stuff as possible while its still valid. During an interview with Annabel Crabb in an upcoming episode of the ABC []

The post Liberals Encourage Abbott To Blame As Much Stuff As Possible On His Drinking appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:35

Local Happy Clapper Hopes Hell Find Women Attractive After Voting No The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local born-again-type says that while his groovy modern church presents itself as a progressive community that steers away from the boring old sermons, marriage equality is a step too far. Jeremy believes that gay marriage will encourage young Australians, who so far havent found what they are looking for in the opposite []

The post Local Happy Clapper Hopes Hell Find Women Attractive After Voting No appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:08

Bob Katter Demands Bob Downe Stop Using His Name And Haircut

Politician and published author Bob Katter has issued a press release in which he demands popular entertainer Bob Downe cease and desist from using the name Bob. As well he has asked the entertainer to change his hairstyle in order to stop people confusing the pair.

I love the name Bob, as a boy growing up in the bush people used to say there goes Bob Katter what a gay little fellow, reminisced Bob Katter. But not now, I cant be called gay anymore or Bob. Now they call me mad Katter which is not fair as Im not always mad, sometimes Im crazy.

When asked when was the last time someone confused him for Bob Downe Mr Katter replied: Just the other day I was walking around a cinema and someone said oi you Bob, down in front.

Mr Katter plans on putting a motion before the parliament to reclaim the words gay and Bob. As he holds the balance of power and is not a dual citizen his motion is likely to succeed.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Austral...

11:23

Thoughtful Housemate Tries To Keep His Stomping And Yelling Between 1 And 3 AM The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A loud young man has reportedly woken up everyone he lives with overnight after returning home from a Betoota Links party, The Advocate has heard. Kenyon Gibson arrived home to his French Quarter terrace sometime after 1am last night, where he proceeded to clip clop across the floorboards in []

The post Thoughtful Housemate Tries To Keep His Stomping And Yelling Between 1 And 3 AM appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:22

Office Pisshead Asks If Everyones Still Keen For Staff Drinks In 6 Hours The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bloke at work has made point of reminding everyone that there was talk earlier this week about staff drinks. Corby Eatons (33) has popped his head into three different offices today asking fellow employees if they are still keen for a cold ones in six hours. Whos keen? he says. I []

The post Office Pisshead Asks If Everyones Still Keen For Staff Drinks In 6 Hours appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:40

Report: Big Mouth Billy Bass Still Good For A Laugh The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the AHBA (Australian Home Bars Association) has found that the popular late nineties novelty gift Big Mouth Billy Bass is still fucking funny, even if youve seen it before. Big Mouth Billy Bass is an animatronic singing prop, representing a largemouth bass, invented on December 16, 1998, sold on January 1, 1999, and popular []

The post Report: Big Mouth Billy Bass Still Good For A Laugh appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Antonio Contes goal celebrations declared unsafe by FA NewsBiscuit

Chelseas Italian coach has been declared too dangerous to be allowed to celebrate any more goals in English football grounds. He has also been charged with hate-crime for his outrageously racist attempts to perpetuate completely unfounded stereotypes about passionate Italians.

Despite expanding the Chelsea technical area to include the entire pitch, Conte continued to endanger players, officials, staff and fans by going off like an unguided continental missile whenever Chelsea score. Officials fear that if Chelsea have another good season its only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt.

One Chelsea fan said he doesnt feel safe at games involving Conte anymore after a close shave at Stamford Bridge. I was quite near the sidelines watching the game when Chelsea scored. I was celebrating normally, but next thing I know Conte comes flying through the air towards me, arms and legs outstretched, with wild crazed looking eyes and this lunatic grin on his face. I just managed to catch him in my arms, and he clung to me like a limpet, kissing me violently on the cheek and screaming Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! in my ear over and over and over. It was very frightening.

After a recent high-scoring Chelsea home win the FA raised the Conte Goal Celebration Threat Levels to Severe, and warned fans to stay vigilant and to immediately notify stewards if they spotted Conte beginning to wildly gesticulate. Officials meanwhile are working with Conte to encourage him to practice safe celebrating in a more English way with just mild levels of fist-pumping and low-level cries of get in!

08:52

High Court Confuses Malcolm Roberts With Request For Evidence

The High Court has thrown Malcolm Roberts defence of his eligibility to sit in the senate into disarray after insisting that he produce some evidence to back up his belief that he was not a dual citizen at the time of his election.

If I reckon something is true thats good enough for me but apparently thats not good enough for the hoity toity elites from the High Court, said the One Nation senator. I suppose next theyll be saying that if a vast majority of the High Court thinks Im guilty then that means Ive lost the case, which is a whole lot of unmathematical mumbo jumbo.

Onlookers report that Roberts spent the day on his smart phone looking up the meaning of evidence on the online dictionary and then repeatedly pressing the little icon with the speaker on it that makes the app speak the word out loud.

Ev urgh dunce ever dense every idiot ah, its no good, Ill never be able to pronounce these fancy pants legal terms, said an exasperated Roberts. Ill have a bit of a chat with my old mate Rod Culleton about it. He seems familiar with how the judiciary works.

The High Court adjourned the case to...

08:29

Smoking e-Cigarettes Significantly Lowers Risk Of Looking Cool, Report Finds The Shovel

vaping

Vaping decreases the risk of contracting cancer and fitting in socially, a report has found.

A preliminary study analysed users in the US, Britain and Australia with surprising results. What we found is that a majority of vapers contract lower levels of lung disease and social acceptance, lead researcher Hans Polton said.

Former smoker Nick Jenna said he had noticed a big difference since switching to e-cigarettes. Ive been vaping for a six months or so now and already I feel like Ive got a lot of tar and friends out of my system, he said.

06:02

Punk Is Dead Stance Enters Fourth Decade The Hard Times

CHICAGO Local curmudgeon Benjamin Dahl reaffirmed his decades-old punk is dead stance shortly after procuring tickets to the Its Not Dead Fest, according to multiple disinterested sources.

Im not going for the music Im going to tell everyone the truth, said Dahl from his basement apartment. I hate to be that guy that has to break it to everyone, but its about time we quit digging up punks corpse and making it dance.

The sights and sounds of Dahl railing against the verisimilitude of the modern punk scene were familiar to those close to him.

This is literally the only thing he talks about, said former bandmate Roger McCabe. In high school, he told me punk died in 1975 when The Ramones signed to Sire which means punk would have only existed for 18 months. Last time we hung out, I said The Exploited were a street-punk band, and he spent 30 minutes lecturing me on how Oi! music isnt technically punk. Maybe my ear just isnt as finely tuned as his. Whatever.

Several others familiar with Dahl confirmed his staunch devotion to the notion of the death of the punk rock movement has outlasted most of his other relationships and commitments.

Its weird. I think his entire family is a little messed up. His dad hated disco and always talked about its death, said former girlfriend Staci Kinski. I dated him for a few months, but had to stop because of this unhealthy obsession of his. All he would talk about is how much punk had changed and sold its soul. Like, yeah, I guess its kinda lame that gutter punk bands have iPhones, but quit DMing me on Twitter about it.

Despite the backlash, Dahl remained steadfast in his devotion to spreading the bad news about punk rock.

I went to Its Not Dead last year fully expecting to be one of the only people there, said Dahl. But I guess there are plenty of people that think punk is alive and well. Its good that people like me are out here, doing my part to let them know the scene is completely dead.

Article by M...

03:49

Donald Trump Is Not A Bimbo TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Just because he can't call an American Nazi a terrorist, or a white supremest a terrorist, the World International Society of Psychiatry and Stability, announced that they do not believe that Donald Trump's bone spurs, (the same bone spurs that secur...

02:30

1985 Chicago Bears Rumored to Reunite at Riot Fest The Hard Times

CHICAGO Rumors persist that Riot Fest still has one last high-profile reunion to announce: the NFL champion 1985 Chicago Bears, raising the expectations of die-hard Bears fans across the country.

Many among this years Riot Fest lineup cited the championship team as an influence on their careers.

The Super Bowl Shuffle, that was our shit, said RZA, the founder of legendary hip-hop crew Wu-Tang Clan, slated to perform at this years event. When we saw how many people they had on that joint, that was all we needed. It was a whole different ballgame after that.

Fans of the legendary team have been clamoring for a reunion for years.

I remember where I was when I first heard the Super Bowl Shuffle, said south-side Chicago resident and long-time Bears fan Patty Mays. I was on my dads lap at the bar, and I remember seeing the video come on the TV. Their rap was so smooth and funny I loved their dance moves. They just oozed confidence.

Related:

Rumors of the Bears squad getting back together began when leaked photos of a hologram Walter Payton surfaced online. However, the rumor was shot down by former head coach Mike Ditka.

...

00:40

Donald Trump retweeted this and people love that he just doesnt get it The Poke

Donald Trumps been doing what he does best today hes been on Twitter. And this retweet has got people particularly excited.

Trump clearly thinks its a funny gag at the expense of Barack Obama hes eclipsed the former president! but is it? Er

00:30

Dad arrested for dancing the Macarena NewsBiscuit

A 45 year old man who became an internet sensation for dancing the Macarena at a family barbecue has been arrested by authorities.

Father of three, Simon Reynolds is being questioned after being accused of improper behaviour in a back garden in Jedburgh, a statement said.It is not clear what his motive was or if he will be formally charged by police, though a spokesman said that alcohol may well have been involved.

The clip of Mr Reynolds has somewhat divided opinions on social media: while some users have defended the man and even called him a hero, others, including his children, suggested his behaviour was mental and a total embarrassment.

Last month in the town, a middle aged woman was arrested for dabbing in a branch of Claires Accessories.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

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Thursday, 24 August

23:30

5 Bath Bombs the Anarchist Cookbook Doesnt Want You to Know About The Hard Times

So you think youre a punk because youve read The Anarchist Cookbook?  Get a grip, losers, thats basically required reading for any respectable middle school punk. But how many of you posers know about all the sick bombs that outdated ass book doesnt want you to know about? Thats right, bath bombs. Read on to have your minds blown with dope new ways to fight the system and dry skin.

The Burning Monk This warming blend of patchouli, cinnamon, and napalm will open your third eye and also hopefully open your stupid fucking eyes to the brainwashing tactics of mainstream media.

Sleepy Sheeple A soothing bath bomb made with lavender, chamomile, nitroglycerine and ammonium nitrate to drown out the sounds of the marching boots and the screaming of innocent civilians. This bomb is sure to lull any sheep into a deep, mindless slumber from which they will never awaken.

Molotov Mocktail An uplifting blend of organic lime juice, coconut, naphthalene and palmitic acid will refresh your spirit and resolve to topple the corrupt fascist pigs of capitalism.

Related: I Tried These Recipes From The Anarchist Cookbook and They Tasted Like Shit

Half Pipe Bomb This deep cleaning bath bomb may detox your skin with activated charcoal, but it can also detox the government of fucking scum with low explosives like barium nitrate and sulfur. Cleanse your skin and cleanse the earth of corruption.

Agent Orange Creamsicle A creamy, moisturizing blend of citrus, paraffin, sodium peroxide, and flowers of sulfur that will have you smelling like dreamy orange when you fight the military industrial complex. Keep your skin soft while exposing the US governments role in chemical warfare. It also has glitter.

So clean those dirty squat house bathtubs, hop in, and stop being so fucking complacent.

23:07

Daily Mail front page gets the takedown it deserves The Poke

So this is on the front page of todays Daily Mail.

And these are our favourite responses online.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

...

22:30

Good news: youre a funny guy. Bad news: youre being burgled The Poke

One of those stories that sounds totally unlikely and yet is really easy to imagine happening. Are we making any kind of sense?

Alas the newspaper article did not contain the joke. Presumably for security reasons.

Source

The post Good news: youre a funny guy. Bad news: youre being burgled appeared first on The Poke.

22:21

When you get on the train and it turns out youre both wearing the same thing The Poke

What are the chances of that happening?

It turns out there IS an explanation, and its not photoshop. At least, we dont think so. Over to Ayy_2_Brute on Reddit.

Quick explanation: this is on an Australian bus. The company that used to operate the bus service was known for their seat designs (you can even see the company name in the logo, but I cant remember what the name is and cant be bothered to figure it out).

That company eventually went out of business and most of the famous seat designs (which are really just designed to obscure the obscene amount of dirt on them) went as well. After that, a t-shirt company decided to cash in on the nostalgia factor and sell t-shirts with the seat design on them. And since not all the buses have had their seats replaced, every now and then we get moments like this one.

Which makes total sense, right? Except for one thing. Everyone else is pretty sure the photo was taken on a train, not a bus.

Maybe Lichenic has the answer.

This explanation is nearly right. Its actually a train, the operator used to be Connex, they lost the contract and all Connex branding had to be removed from stations and trains. It was decided that the seat design obscured the word Connex well enough so no action was taken, they are still around on all trains that originally had them (Comeng and Xtrapolis models) and as far as I know they were never removed from any trains. Source: I live in Melbourne.

Source

The post When you get on the train and it turns out youre both wearing the same thing appeared first on The Poke.

21:51

A list of charities that have cancelled Donald Trump since his Charlottesville speech The Poke

Heres a list of charities that were due to return to Donald Trumps Mar-a-Lago estate that have changed their mind since the so-called presidents Charlottesville comments.

READ MORE

Our favourite responses to Donald Trumps total meltdown of a press conference

Source

The post A list of charities that have cancelled Donald Trump since his Charlottesville speech appeared first on The Poke.

21:31

What kids do vs what adults do in the summer holidays The Poke

This will ring true for a whole bunch of you.

Its by the same person who did this.

Theres lots more matts41 on Reddit here.

Source

The post What kids do vs what adults do in the summer holidays appeared first on The Poke.

21:30

GCSEs now in Nectar points NewsBiscuit

By popular demand, the grading system for secondary qualifications will now be number based; allowing pupils to accumulate evouchers at Pizza Express or six months of job seekers allowance. Loyal shoppers and under-achieving pupils can swap hard earned GCSEs for free drinks in Ibiza, tattoo laser removal or time off a custodial sentence. Whereas for top passes, you can get credit towards a tent upgrade at Glastonbury or tickets for Hamilton. Please note, however, that the new qualification cannot be exchanged for knowledge.

An education spokeswoman said: At this point in time, having points replace letter grading may seem like a sticking point, a sore point, utterly pointless; but from anothers point of view its a turning point, a selling point, rather than a point of no return. Trying not to put to fine a point on it, there comes a point in time where letters are at breaking point. I dont want to belabour the point, but we are at a cut off point, do you get my point?

Under the UK system 1 GCSE point is the equivalent of 10 Iraqi Dinars, whereas in France, school children have combined their exam credits to purchase Neymar. Unfortunately the average British pupil will need to sit 67 GCSE exams to acquire the 30,000 Nectar points required for a place at a local Sixth Form College or a plasma TV.

21:04

When youre so excited supporting your team you dont realise you forgot your scarf The Poke

Spotted during Liverpools Champions League qualifier on Tuesday night.

Source

The post When youre so excited supporting your team you dont realise you forgot your scarf appeared first on The Poke.

20:55

Tom Cruise is slowly turning into Sandi Toksvig The Poke

It had never occurred to us before, and now it occurs every time we look at him. Or her.

Look at Domhnall Gleesons face even hes started to think it.

And its not jst that picture either.

Here they are again, one handy pic.

...

20:34

Todays Donald Trump magazine cover The Poke

Further down, it says:

Neo-nazis, Ku Klux Klan, Racism: As Donald Trump stirs the hate in America.

The post Todays Donald Trump magazine cover appeared first on The Poke.

20:30

All-Male Punk Band Written off as Gimmick The Hard Times

CINCINNATI Recently formed punk rock band The Broke Scabs has caught the attention of many within the local scene for their bold lineup choice to feature only men, according to multiple sources.

Jodi Pope, who runs the popular DIY venue Snake Pit near downtown Cincinnati, admitted she was reluctant to book the all-male quartet when they first approached her.

I thought it was adorable that they thought anyone would take them seriously, said Pope. But, hey a couple of them were cute, so I figured maybe it wouldnt hurt to let them have an opening spot or something.

Members of the Broke Scabs are fighting back against the stereotype that men and punk rock do not mix.

I know a lot of people arent used to seeing this. People ask all the time how the band even came together, said lead vocalist Todd McGuffin, looking effortlessly chic in a blue t-shirt and straight leg jeans. They assume our moms were in bands, or that our girlfriends were in a band and we wanted to open for them, but the truth is we met in grad school. Danny was getting a masters in classical guitar, and Matt had played drums since junior high. We all loved old-school punk. Wed get together all the time just to listen to records and talk about music.

Related:

Long-standing members of the punk scene have emphatically written off the band.

They are such a joke people only support them so they can look woke on Facebook, said Laura Stockwell, drummer for long-running punk band Paradise Rats. I heard they only get gigs because they let the promoters give them blow jobs.

The first Broke Scabs performance was shut down when drummer Matt Martin took off his shirt halfway through their set, prompting an audience member to call the police.

We dont put up with indecent exposure in this city, said Lt. Mark Sullivan of the Cincinnati Police, one of the responders to the call. It doesnt matter how hot it was that night, or if the air conditioning wasnt working there were impressionable young girls in that audience who had no business seeing a male nipple.

Pick up a brand new shirt and show your support for The Hard Times:

...

20:30

Trump Enlists Lazy Video Game Designers to Build Invisible Wall Along Mexican Border The Hard Times

BELLEVUE, Wash. Video game developer Rare have announced a new project in partnership with the White House to build a immeasurably high invisible wall along the United States-Mexico border in order to make good on President Trumps signature campaign promise.

The wall will be impenetrable to human beings, although animals, water, bullets, arrows, spears, and NPC Vehicles will be able to pass through, according to a statement released by Rare. The wall will be entirely transparent, and there will be no indication of where it falls until contact is made with it.

Should a person make contact with the wall while going downhill, the person will appear to start falling with their arms straight out to the side and feet together. However, the person will not actually travel downward. The statement released by Rare details a method by which explosives or dragon shouts can be used to free a person from this infinite fall.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Were very excited to be working with the federal government to stop people from doing what they want in the most hamfisted and unimaginitive way possible, said Maria Hanson, Rares senior marketing director.

She added Weve been walling off huge sections of content from players for decades at Rare. Were just happy to bring that same experience to the people of Mexico.

When asked if Rare had any intention of collaborating with the federal government on other projects, Hanson denied any current plans. However, the whiteboard in her office had the phrase Free-to-play American citizenship? Healthcare DLC??? circled and labeled do not erase.

Article by David Tyler @david_d_tyler

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet...

18:08

This guy got suspended from Twitter for sexually harassing Tony the Tiger The Poke

News reaches us that this man has been suspended from Twitter for nearly a week for saying Id f*** that tiger to Tony The Tiger.

It starts with the cereal company posting an image of Tony staring at some milk.

Then @boivin posts Id f*** that tiger

And in kicks the auto-suspension from Twitter

Twitter, seriously, ban Nazis and not people who reply with silly comments to adverts.

Source: Twitter/@_Cooper

The post This guy got suspended from Twitter for sexually harassing Tony the Tiger appeared first on The Poke.

17:01

Unfortunate shortening for this programme on the BBC Radio app The Poke

Also the picture reminds us of Vizs Up The Arse Corner.

The post Unfortunate shortening for this programme on the BBC Radio app appeared first on The Poke.

16:54

Local Pub Chef Breaks With Tradition And Doesnt Develop Crippling Addiction To Alcohol The Betoota Advocate

GREG ORTO-FELLATIO | Food | Contact Meet Domenic Rowland. Successful, confident and on top of his game. After a number of years working for some of the biggest names in the business, the go-getting 29-year-old is humble in his good future and hard work. The delicious Gemini is now the executive chef at the triple-hatted Bretts Oriental []

The post Local Pub Chef Breaks With Tradition And Doesnt Develop Crippling Addiction To Alcohol appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:50

The Swedish White Moose: Why Is He White? TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A few possible explanations: He's not of this world. He's a ghost. He's hoping to get a part in a remake of the 1990 movie GHOST. His momma gave him a bath and she scrubbed too hard. He's In costume. Getting ready for Halloween a little earl...

16:07

Local Woman Still Looking For A Bloke As Dreamy As Drazic The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local woman, Sarah Parsonson (31) is starting to have second thoughts about settling down with her current boyfriend of five years, Alex. The fact that Alex has a steady income, positive career outlook, boyish good looks and comes from a nice family simply isnt enough, when she compares him to her first true []

The post Local Woman Still Looking For A Bloke As Dreamy As Drazic appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:11

Local Costume Party Deemed a Success Despite One Man Refusing To Dress Up The Betoota Advocate

BRETT ORANGE | Social Pages | Contact A renown local party pooper has failed to rain on a Betoota Ponds costume party overnight. Tina Colons midweek birthday bash has been deemed a success after close to a dozen of her close pals turned up to ring in Thursday with a bang. The shindigs theme was []

The post Local Costume Party Deemed a Success Despite One Man Refusing To Dress Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:04

Report Finds Mate That Owns A Tattoo Gun Probably Shouldnt Be Hosting Kick-Ons The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the American Medical Association states that late night afterparties should avoid being in the same vicinity as a hand-held tattoo device capable of leaving permanent marking of the skin with indelible ink. A group of researchers randomly sampled 64 adult Australians who enjoy going on benders found the average rate of homemade tattoos is []

The post Report Finds Mate That Owns A Tattoo Gun Probably Shouldnt Be Hosting Kick-Ons appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:30

War on Drugs: Trump Agrees To Put His Name On Ecstasy Tablets To Ensure Its Business Model Fails The Shovel

trump ecstacy

As part of the US Governments ongoing War on Drugs, US President Donald Trump has generously agreed to lend his name and image to ecstasy tablets to make absolutely certain the associated businesses fail.

It follows similar strategies in the steak, water and university industries.

Analysts say businesses are seven times more likely to go bankrupt once Trump puts his name to them, and have applauded the Presidents gesture of lending his name to help stamp out the illicit trade.

He has a habit of taking flourishing businesses, putting his name on the packaging, and then watching them fail. Thats exactly what wed like to see with drugs, a DEA spokesperson said.

Mr Trump has also been asked to launch a pharmaceutical brand, to help end the countrys battle with prescription opioids.

12:32

Melbourne Reverend Says Hes Been Pro-Same-Sex Marriage Since Before It Was Cool The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Melbourne Reverend came out today and told friends and family that hes supported the idea of gay marriage since before it was cool and controversial for a clergyman to do so. Fitzroy-based Reverend Alex Carter has adorned the many archways and entrances to his church with Pride flags and messages []

The post Melbourne Reverend Says Hes Been Pro-Same-Sex Marriage Since Before It Was Cool appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:19

Local Drug Dealer Sends Out Text Message Reminding Customers To Enrol To Vote The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With one day left to register for the electoral commission, over 1300 companies have confirmed support marriage equality including all the banks, all the airlines, sporting codes and some Australias largest retailers it seems big business are the least concerned about the ramifications of allowing gay people to tie the knot. Aside []

The post Local Drug Dealer Sends Out Text Message Reminding Customers To Enrol To Vote appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Afghanistan replaces Hawaii as 50th State NewsBiscuit

With further increases in army deployment promised, Afghanistans U.S. population is now so large, that this Islamic Republic has successfully applied for statehood. Not wanting to deal with the administration costs of redesigning the Stars and Stripes, the Trump administration has agreed that it would be simpler to delete Hawaii from the list of dubious places claiming to be next to New York.

The Afghan peoples cautiously welcomed their new nationality, saying that they looked forward to hosting the Superbowl and that widespread obesity would be a welcome change. Some however are worried that having experienced years of Taliban rule, that a Trump Presidency might be too extreme.

Meanwhile the outgoing State Governor of Hawaii said he was open to offers and would be interested in taking the UKs spot in the EU if Europe could handle the novelty of an island that didnt complain all the time. A Trump spokesman said: Today we welcome our new 50th State not all wars have to end badly and look forward to our 51stNorth Korea.

09:24

Australia Secures Earlybird Bookings For Next Six US Wars The Shovel

Malcolm Turnbull Trump

Australia has secured a cracking deal on future international conflicts, bulk-booking our spot in all US-led wars for at least the next three years.

Speaking to journalists today Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said, We have a very clear moral obligation to stand shoulder to shoulder with the US against yet unspecified foes, to defend as yet unspecified principles, at yet to be arranged times and locations.

Also, we got a terrific discount.

Opposition Leader Bill Shorten backed the move but criticised the PMs lack of commitment to the alliance, pointing out that 6 wars was unlikely to even get us through the Trump Presidency.

08:56

NSW Welfare Recipients To Be Tested To Ensure They Keep Gambling

Following the Federal Governments decision to test welfare recipients for drug use, the NSW State Government has announced they will also be testing welfare recipients to ensure they are still gambling.

We need to keep our gaming industry strong as we cant just rely on stamp duty and selling stuff off to keep funding the State, said NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian. I mean eventually we will have sold everything off and only be left with people and we cant sell people or maybe we can.

When pressed on the social ramifications of problem gambling the Premier said: You worry too much, most of the problem gamblers dont live in my electorate so its all good. And if they did live out my way well they can afford a splurge or two on the pokies. Plenty of equity in a North Shore house.

NSW Labor leader Luke Foley when reached for comment said: Stay away from greyhound racing, theres no problems here. Dogs love to run and chase and be baited. Ask them, go on that ones wagging his tail.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWCha...

05:35

ANTIFA burn down Mississippi McDonald's TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Biloxi, MS- After a local McDonald's refused to take down a statue featuring Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar, a large group of ANTIFA burned the establishment to the ground. ANTIFA spokesperson Tiffany Jackson said, "What we did was...

05:29

Those who can, Lead. Those who can't, just keep campaigning... TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mistaking the Presidency for a popularity contest that he hasn't even won yet, president Trump continues to work the crowds in an apparent attempt to dodge doing any real work. "I've done more than any President up to this point in history," Tru...

04:58

Theres a brutal hidden message in this resignation letter to Donald Trump The Poke

The latest person to resign from Donald Trumps White House is Berkeley University professor Daniel Kammen, who quit as Trumps science envoy.

Fortunately you dont have to be a scientist to spot his hidden message to Trump and the rest of America.

Need a hand? Well, it IS pretty small type.

Who are we to argue with a scientist?

Hes not the first person to do this just last week these guys did a similar thing, spelling out resist.

At this rate, its going to be pretty tricky to resign WITHOUT doing one.

04:27

Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Mondays Eclipse Daily Discord

Mount OlympusApollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this weeks solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have no idea

02:30

Grandma to Offer Chicken as Vegan Option The Hard Times

CHARLOTTE, N.C. Local grandmother Dolores McComb is offering chicken as the cruelty-free option for tonights homemade meal, according to sources dreading the dinner.

McComb has reportedly been hypersensitive to providing meat alternatives for family dinners ever since her grandson, Mike Hillard, adopted a vegan lifestyle 15 years ago.

I suppose it all started one Fourth of July when he said he found some hard things in his hamburger, McComb said while seasoning the chicken. I tried to explain to him that thats life sometimes the hard parts end up being the best parts. But, hed already made up his mind.

McComb even shopped at a local farmers market instead of her usual grocer, The Beef Barn.

I had the oddest experience, McComb said. I went to this hippy-dippy market to pick out my chicken and watch the slaughter, just so I know it didnt suffer but all the meat was already prepackaged. I did learn that the chicken I bought was named Sandy, and that a little girl on the farm grew really close to the bird before it was slaughtered. She was very loved.

A recent study confirmed that most elderly people consider chicken, fish and cured meats viable vegan options.

Related:

There seems a direct link between not living near a coast and not knowing what constitutes as an animal product, said Dr. Lisa Carroll, the head researcher of the three-month study. The landlocked elderly are most likely to serve you a vegan meal including skin or fur, and to struggle to comprehend why anyone would avoid cheese.

Knowing McComb is trying her best to accommodate his diet, Hillard admitted hes been shoving meat-filled napkins into his pockets for years to spare her feelings.

Every time I see her, she gives me these little handwritten recipes for veal marsala or turkey chili, Hillard said. I dont even put honey in my rooibos tea, and she expects me to eat a dead baby cow soaked in a marsala wine reduction? Im just glad her dog isnt around anymore. He ripped so many holes in my pants trying to get at the meat.

Visit our online merch table:

...

02:10

Mid-market tabloids clamour for tragic re-death of Diana NewsBiscuit

Tabloid newspaper editors have begged the Royal Family for another tragic death of Princess Diana. One tabloid editor said: The 20th anniversary of her first death will soon reach a huge climax, as she herself did with assorted surgeons, military men and polo players. Now is the time to remember her life by having her die in mysterious circumstances all over again in an episode that shocked the world and sold millions of newspapers, books and documentaries featuring a bikini-clad princess staring moodily across the deck of a billionaires yacht.

This has nothing to do with the slow and agonising death of the tabloid newspaper industry. Its the only way to bring Britain together again, after the pain and anxiety linked to Brexit. Only this time round Di will die where she belonged. In a British tunnel, chased by British paparazzi on British motor bikes after being followed by a mysterious British saloon car, possibly a Ford Escort. It would also lift the spirits of the Duke of Edinburgh, who will have the perfect alibi this time round.

But one doctor has pointed out that the scheme might be impractical. Writing in another mid market tabloid, the doctor, who usually writes about breast implants and bedroom antics explained: Death for most people is a once in a lifetime experience, so it might well be hard for Di to re-die without some significant scientific advances, that are unlikely to happen in the next couple of days, despite this papers massive donations to medical science.

But another tabloid editor called the doctors view a mere detail citing the re-death of an obscure religious figure of almost equal popularity to Di some 2000 years ago, which went on to spark huge interest round the world, prompting a book that nearly sold as many copies as Di a life in swimwear. The editor went on to argue: The Royal Family rules by divine right bestowed by none other than God himself. So a word in his ear from the Queen, explaining how the once mighty tabloid industry is on its last legs and only he can save it, might just do the trick!

00:30

Astonishment as new US whiskey made using modern methods NewsBiscuit

A US drinks manufacturer recently caused astonishment by announcing that they intend to make their new brand of whiskey using the latest modern methods.

In accordance with standard industry practice, their advertising agency had already put together a campaign detailing the small town in the deep south where its supposedly made in a way that aint done changed none since the 1850s, which unfortunately didnt go down well with the brand director.

Why would we still make whiskey the way people did then, as if the last 150 years of science never happened? Are we gonna deliver it by horse and cart too? Maybe with someone riding shotgun in case of injun attack?

And what the f*ck is all this down-home, cornbread-eatin, good ol boy shit? Should we just go the whole hog and put the Confederate flag on the label? And some pointy white hoods? And maybe make it in a town with lynch in the name?

Unfortunately, early indications are that the public havent taken to either the unconventional branding or the product itself, and the company may be forced to rethink their modern advertising campaign and replace their high quality whiskey with one that tastes like cough syrup.

YaBasta

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Wednesday, 23 August

23:30

If Youve Got Something to Sarahah, Sarahah It to My Face The Hard Times

OK listen up: Ive been going to hardcore shows since before you were in diapers. And if theres one thing Ive learned, its that if you want to Sarahah something to somebody, you better Sarahah it to their fucking face.

Thats how men act.

So if you have a problem, question, compliment, or maybe you have a secret crush on me, then go right ahead and Sarahah it to my face right now, pussy.

And if youre out there Sarahahing shit behind my back, you better watch it, because Ive been a member of this scene long enough to hear when something gets Sarahahed about me. Ive got friends in high place, kid. These friends have been into hardcore since before you were in diapers.

Actually, another thing about your diapers: theyre soft. Too soft. When I got into hardcore I wore diapers that felt like fucking sandpaper, bro. And you know what, Im not going to lie they tore my shit up. Its still not the same down there. But thats why its called HARDcore, not SOFTcore.

Related: Wow! A Local Hardcore Legend Is at Your Doorstep. Hes 15 Minutes Late with the Pizza, How Much Do You Tip?

Back in the day, we used to beat the fuck out of diaper-wearing babies like you. Literally. We found babies and we just fucked their shit up, bro. Yeah, I dont know why, but those were wild times, you fucking pussy. Nowadays? Nowadays when someone has a problem they just go on the internet like a little social justice keyboard warrior instead of walking right up to me, looking me dead in the eyes, and Sarahahing it to my fucking face.

RIP real hardcore.

RIP real life.

RIP men.

17:45

Local Snake Just Catching Up With His Mates Girlfriend The Betoota Advocate

MOYRA BRICK | Relationships | Contact A reader wrote to The Advocate earlier this week asking what he should do about a local snake repeatedly catching up with his partner. While he didnt want to appear petty and overly-protective, he also didnt like the fact it was happening. Sam Toole, 25,  revealed in his letter []

The post Local Snake Just Catching Up With His Mates Girlfriend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:21

I Told You Hed Come Good Says Emotional Australian Tennis Fan The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The fact that Australian tennis star Nick Kyrgios has admitted that he is enjoying playing tennis is a cause for celebration across the sport today. The undoubtedly talented 22-year-old has wowed long-suffering Australian tennis fans this week, despite losing his maiden Masters Series decider to Grigor Dimitrov but declared he was just happy []

The post I Told You Hed Come Good Says Emotional Australian Tennis Fan appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:29

Local jetski owner puts finishing touches on new house with home bar The Betoota Advocate

MARINE DELPHENE | Local News | Contact A reformed dolphin poacher had a soft-opening for his home bar to mild fanfare overnight at his Betoota Hills residence. Situated on the ground floor of his recently-built Queenslander-inspired display home, Deverell Slacks told The Advocate that the entire build was centred around the bar and that the whole []

The post Local jetski owner puts finishing touches on new house with home bar appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

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Tuesday, 22 August

22:21

Trump.com launches pre-emptive nuclear attack on Guam after he heard it on Fox & Friends it was part of the North Korean problem TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Trump.com is said to very upset that North Korea is ignoring his deathly powerful tweets and his tiny ego is so incensed he has ordered a nuclear strike against Korean territories in Guam. It has been confirmed that Guam as we know it is ba...

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Friday, 14 July

04:11

Trump Trainwreck Tweeting Toward Termination TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Americans citizens are gathering in town squares, gas stations, school auditoriums, coffee houses and talk shows throughout the country, scratching their collective heads and questioning whether they are occupying some form of sleeping, nightmare, tw...

03:09

Mitch McConnell Wants Healthcare Passed Before Winter Hibernation TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Box Turtles in Kentucky stop eating and start getting sluggish sometime in the month of October, and that's why Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell desperately needs to pass an alternative to Obamacare by September. Mitch "The Bitch" McConnell...

02:31

New Girlfriends Require Breakup Fee TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

New York City, NY - Women across New York City now require breakup fees before they agree to a second date. The women can demand the fee payment only if the relationship doesn't work out. "It goes like this," said one woman who asked not to be n...

01:43

Biggest racist in Australian history Howard says Trump.com not a racist TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mega Racist Howard says Trump.com not racist. People in Australia are now undergoing a 90's time warp with the King of the Baby Tossers once again trying to confuse, hoodwink and generally treat intelligent people like morons Predic...

Thursday, 13 July

09:39

Man awakens from 15 year coma and first thing he sees is Trump.com press conference - asks to be immediately put back into coma TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A man who was put in a coma after an accident just after Bushes Iraqi invasion has awoken in his hospital bed. Sadly it seems that someone in the room had Fox and Colluders showing Trump.com latest round of flaccid denials about Russia. He...

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