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Tuesday, 18 September

00:31

Review: Spider-Man is a Delightful Romp That Almost Allows Players to Forget Spider-Man Did Nothing to Stop 9/11 The Hard Times

Video transcript:

With great power comes great responsibility.

An ultimately hollow message that rings through Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4, a fantastic game that falls short of greatness because it never addresses the fact its titular character failed to protect New York City during the tragic events of September 11, 2001.

Marvels Spider-Man is a true joy to play. Swinging around New York City and using a variety of signature powers and moves truly puts the player into the costume of the masked hero. It also makes you feel a sense of confusion as to why Spider-Man chose to use exactly zero of those abilities to help stop the greatest terrorist attack in American history.

As much fun as I had webbing enemies in creative ways, i couldnt help but think Why was Spider-Man so stingy with his webbing when it came to the hundreds of people forced to jump from the twin towers? Thoughts like this mar what is otherwise the best gameplay in the series history.

The story of Spider-Man revolves around his clashes with the infamous Sinister Six and the sacrifices he has to make in order to protect those that he loves. It is a powerful tale, but as I played through the story I found myself wondering that perhaps Spider-Man could have focused less on the Sinister Six and a little more on the plans of the Sinister Nineteen hijackers who tore our country asunder on that fateful autumn morning.

It wouldve been so easy to weave Spider-Mans ultimate failure  into the games existing story. Why not have one of the villains, Mister Negative, get his powers from being at Ground Zero during the attacks, causing Spider-Man to feel responsible for his wicked transformation? The roadmap to an incredible story is so clear and yet ultimately ignored as you swing around post 9/11 Manhattan.

Insomniac should be applauded for so-closely recreating the look of New York City, but unfortunately they failed to capture its spirit by not including NPCs who are constantly yelling at their friendly neighborhood spider-coward who so clearly betrayed their city.

When Spidey masterfully swings over the picture-perfect streets of the Big Apple, pedestrians below should be shouting in thick New York accents Hey Spidey, I hope that web snaps and you break your fucking back! and Look its Spider-Man, the only guy in NYC who forgot about 9/11. as they throw cans and bottles at him.

...

00:00

New high-speed train found to be incompatible with pace of life in Devon NewsBiscuit

Initial investigations into the breakdown of a high-speed train just north of Exeter indicate that it should have been travelling more slowly in recognition of the speed at which the local population gets things done.

Several hundred passengers had to be rescued from the stricken Hitachi 800 and taken to the local village caf where they were each expected to discuss the weather and that nice man who asks the questions on The Chase before being served a cup of tea and a slice of home-made cake.

The train operator GWR apologised for the breakdown via social media but, as Twitter is considered a bit frantic in Devon, GWR also plans to issue hand-written letters. They should reach everyone by a week next Wednesday if they can post them in the next couple of days.

Local residents werent surprised that the train came to a standstill, however. All that rushing about, no-one needs none of that and these new high-speed trains are not right, explained Mrs Jan Hewlett. They should learn to take their time and only when theyve been doing things at our pace for 20 years will they be accepted around here.

A GWR spokesman said that automatic rolling stock velocity management systems based on measurements of the local pace of life were being trialled, with trains hurtling out of London and slowing down as they approach the West Country. However, were having a few teething troubles, he admitted. They tend to come to a complete halt as they approach Penzance.

00:00

People are losing their minds over this pepper epiphany except its not quite as simple as that The Poke

Stir fry recipes will never be the same after someone shared their pepper epiphany on Twitter.

And it turns out Amy yep, looks like we can call her Amy wasnt the only one to be taken aback.

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Monday, 17 September

23:57

Youth Pastor on the Verge of Cracking Fortnite Metaphor The Hard Times

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. Pastor Paul Michaels of the Cornerstone Church announced today that he is currently on the verge of figuring out a solid Fortnite metaphor to use in his next sermon.

Im so excited! Pastor Michaels told reporters. Ive been in contact with God, and the Fortnite Wiki, for days wracking my brain to get young people as interested in Gods love as they are in whatever new dance is being released now.

Though reluctant to give too much away, Michaels offered a sneak peak of the elusive metaphor to gathered press earlier this afternoon.

So if you think of this church as your squad, right? Its a fifty versus fifty, and the devil and his forces are the other team, he began, before losing some steam.  You have to work together to if you want to find the good loot no, look, only by squadding up with Jesus can you attain the real Victory Royale, yeah, thats right, and whats more Royale than the kingdom of heaven?

Not bad, huh? the satisfied youth pastor asked upon completion of the Fortnite metaphor.

Melissa Michaels, Pauls wife, confirmed that the pastors church office has been filled with discarded sheets of paper containing his notes, painting a picture of the long struggle to capture the evasive comparison.

Here he was talking about how getting baptised is essentially boarding the Battle Bus, only God chooses where you drop and its more of a Baptism Bus, she explained, before revealing a screenshot of a John Wick skin that Michaels had circled and written JESUS?? underneath.

Pastor Michaels says that he was originally looking to relate to his youth congregation through their similar appreciation for PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds, but after a majority of the hard-to-reach 12-14 male congregants let him know that Fortnite was so much better than PUBG, like, in every way he decided to pursue that route instead.

I was kind of disappointed, he said, because I thought Id nailed down a segment where I let the kids know that the real chicken dinner is Gods love and that He wants us all to be winners, but you know, He works in mysterious ways.

At press time, Pastor Michaels went on to explain that while access to the Lord is technically available for free, users will find a much more satisfying experience upon pledging a regular financial donation.

The post...

23:45

Mom Thinks You Guys Should Learn a Few James Taylor Songs The Hard Times

CLEVELAND Your mom casually suggested last night, while you took a brief break during your band practice, that you guys add a few James Taylor songs to your bands repertoire, sources confirmed.

Dont get me wrong I like all of your songs, but I think you guys would love some of James Taylors stuff, she said, as everyone in your band politely smiled. Maybe if you just learned a few classics, like Fire and Rain, and How Sweet It Is, Nancy from next door would come over to listen with her new husband, Dave. Wouldnt that be nice?

Your mom added that, while Taylors folksy soft-rock melodies are a bit different than that screechy stuff you guys usually play, he also has plenty of groovy tunes that are sure to rock your socks off.

Oh, you bet your father and I got pretty darn wild at JTs 1975 show in Milwaukee, she said, wistfully gazing off into the middle distance. You guys have probably never seen two people get as crazy as we did when he played Dont Let Me Be Lonely Tonight.

You should definitely learn more songs like Rainy Day Man, your dad added from the TV room. Then, maybe, you could play some of them at your cousin Margarets graduation party next month.

Unfortunately, local music historian and Zumba instructor Tanya Suarez echoed your moms assessment that adding two or three James Taylor songs into your set list is key to attracting the crucial 55 to 64-year-old demographic.

Youll have all the ladies in the neighborhood lining up down the street if you learn the riff from Your Smiling Face, said Suarez, gently swaying her hips and humming the chorus to the 1977 adult contemporary hit single. And if you really want to mix things up, Kenny G has some great tunes, too.

At press time, your mom was drinking chardonnay and singing softly with your aunt Marion in the driveway, while your bandmate Steve Ratbag Thompson played the bassline to Handy Man.

The post Mom Thinks You Guys Should Learn a Few James Taylor Songs appeared first on The Hard Times.

23:44

A woman paid 10 for this deconstructed avocado breakfast and she wasnt the only furious one The Poke

This avocado and toast breakfast went viral because the woman who ordered it couldnt believe she just paid 10 for it (or, to be strictly accurate, 18 Australian dollars).

We can see where shes coming from.

Theres deconstructed and then theres deconstructed.

Although this one wasnt even listed as such on the menu at the Kettle Black Cafe in Melbourne.

(via)

Heres what Jess McGuire told ABC Melbourne.

When it arrived on a piece of slate I wasnt angry, I just thought it was really funny.

Nothing...

23:14

This weather guys live camera suffers an unexpected interruption and itll make your day better The Poke

We need more live camera shots on our weather forecasts over here because hopefully then this will happen.

Wait for it, as they say.

The only way this could have been better would be if it had eaten him.

Source

The post This weather guys live camera suffers an unexpected interruption and itll make your day better appeared first on The Poke.

23:00

This government advice to jobseekers got exactly the replies it deserved The Poke

Heres the Department of Work and Pensions with a little bit of advice for jobseekers.

Of course! A 90-minute commute! Both ways! Does that include getting to the station and making our way to the office the other end?

Here are the only 7 replies you need.

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22:41

This map of potential EU leaving names may still be the best thing about Brexit The Poke

This map be bezzleford of potential EU learning names may still be the best thing about Brexit, as shared by @TerribleMaps.

So many good ones to choose from

22:27

Is this the most offensive dish ever? The Poke

Someone posted this picture of beans on toast on Instagram, as shared by @pandamoanimum. Except its not beans on toast is it, and for some people thats the problem. A big problem.

And here is how people reacted online.

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22:21

Relatively Athletic Looking Man In Townsville Pub Presumably Army The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A big chesty unit with a relatively well-maintained haircut and no facial hair is so out of place in a Townsville pub that fellow patrons have assumed hes an AJ. AJ, a derogatory term used almost exclusively in Townsville and Wagga, has been around since the early 1980s in fact, so long []

The post Relatively Athletic Looking Man In Townsville Pub Presumably Army appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

22:10

Strictlys James Jordan thinks this is real and the entire internet is putting him right (well, most of it) The Poke

James Jordan isnt on Strictly Come Dancing anymore which is a shame because if he was someone could ask him about this.

The swivel-hipped hardbody took to Twitter to send his good wishes to his friends in Hong Kong as they bear the brunt of Typhoon Mangkhut.

A lovely gesture no doubt, it was just the clip that accompanied it that raised eyebrows.

Hoping all my friends in Hong Kong are safe. And all who have been effected by the terrifying typhoon

This pilot needs a medal or something. True hero saving everyone

And here it is

Seriously?

21:48

Day Spent Working From Home Ruined By Some Shit That Could Have Waited The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Cadet | CONTACT A local woman sitting on her couch in her pyjamas has today had to seriously question whether or not her boss was taking the piss, after receiving an email outlining some work that needed doing urgently. Its understood that Jorja Wiltons bosss request was not as outrageous as she was making []

The post Day Spent Working From Home Ruined By Some Shit That Could Have Waited appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

21:32

A 4-year-old asked if ghosts melt in the sun and these 13 replies are incredibly spirited The Poke

Small children have a wonderful way of viewing the world, with a curiosity and a delight in everything that adults have usually sadly abandoned. If you dont believe this, check out these jokes written by children, which are hilariously bonkers. When writer Joe Randazzo shared a question posed by his 4-year-old child, it received a lot of replies, some more serious than you might think it deserved.

This was his question.

These were our absolutely favourite answers.

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21:00

Michael Foot spotted in Salisbury NewsBiscuit

According to reliable sources, such as MI6, Baron Munchausen and Geppettos son, the deceased Labour leader was seen acting suspiciously dead in the vicinity of a recent poison attack. Despite having alibi witnesses like his coroner Mr Foot is accused of spying for Russia and by implication having helped Jeremy Corbyn make lefty jam.

The very personification of a sleeper agent, Mr. Foot is alleged to have lain very still in Golders Green Crematorium since 2010. However, once contacted by his Moscow handlers, Mr. Foot set about terrorising the people of Salisbury with Marxist ideas, such as a national health service, free at the point of delivery.

While alive Mr. Foot was charged by The Times for being a communist, fascist and wearer of donkey jackets. Although subsequent court cases proved Rupert Murdoch to have committed libel and to be a complete failure at recognising a duffle coat.

Three of the last ten Labour Leaders were known Soviet spies, while the others were simply Tories. Meanwhile, Salisbury remains a favourite haunt for fans of spires and espionage; said one MI6 operative: The suspect may have been exposed to nerve agent, so keep on the look out for anyone with one Foot in the grave.

20:27

Someone used a hurricane to wash the car and the reactions flooded in our 11 favourites The Poke

As Hurricane Florence subsequently downgraded to a storm battered the Carolinas, most residents either evacuated to safer areas or hunkered down in strong shelters. Not this reckless individual, though.

Were pretty sure that wasnt clean water falling from the sky and were quite baffled, but the unusual timing of this car wash resonated with a lot of people.

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20:21

The takedowns of this Christian right activist have totally got it licked The Poke

Heres someone called Linda Harvey, founder of the Christian Right organisation Mission: America, who had this to say about sex education and the nations youth.

It looks like she really did.

Lets not forget the deadly contribution of LGBTQ advocates who demand inclusive sex ed i.e., lessons that outline in detail how kids can engage in anal and oral sex, the sex practices of homosexuals.

These lessons often encourage masturbation and pornography use. The gay community explodes over any attempt to restrict homosexual access to youth. But the evidence is everywhere that their influence is despicable.

And here are our 10 favourite takedowns.

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20:02

This Russian life hack takes a sublimely unexpected turn but people arent sure its worth the effort The Poke

We havent got any time for so-called life hacks but in this case well make an exception. Stick with it.

Said it was worth it.

...

20:00

Full transcript of Russia Todays Editor-in-Chief interviewing alleged Skripal attackers NewsBiscuit

RT News interviews Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov, who are nice people

Margarita Simonyan: Good morning gentlemen

Alexander Petrov: Yes, were gentlemen, that is right. Good morning Margarita

Ruslan Boshirov: Yes, good morning. What would you like to talk about?

MS: Id like to talk about your controversial visit to Salisbury

AP: I dont know why you say its controversial. Perhaps you should reconsider that statement

RB: Salisbury is a cathedral city in Wiltshire, England, with a population of 40,302 at the confluence of the rivers Avon, Nadder, Ebble, Wylye and Bourne

MS: All very interesting, but I could have found that out from Wikipedia

AP: Perhaps. But what exactly are you trying to say, Deputy Editor?

RB: The citys cathedral is famous for its 123m spire, and its clock, the oldest of its kind in the world that is still working

MS: Ahem, Im Editor-in-Chief

AP: Perhaps

RB: Salisbury is approximately 20 miles (32 km) from Southampton and 30 miles (48 km) from Bath.

MS: So, maybe you can explain to the decadent West why you were in Salisbury?

AP: Thats better. We had heard from good friends, might have been in a bar or club maybe but definitely not a gay bar that Salisbury is a fine place to visit. It has a cathedral, you know, that is famous for its 123m spire, and its clock

RB: yes, an excellent clock. Its a large iron-framed clock without a dial located in the aisle. Its supposedly dating from about 1386, and is said to be the oldest working clock in the world, although a similar statement is made of the clock in the cathedral of Beauvais in France and said to date from 1305

MS: Er, thank you, Mr Boshirov. So, to clarify your story for the capitalists, please could you talk us through your visit to Salisbury

AP: Well, after getting instructions er, advice from our good friends, we flew Aeroflot to Heathrow, and stayed in East London because its on the way to Salisbury. Our friends advised that London has criminals as does Moscow, and they suggested a very safe house near Stratford.

MS: And then what ?

AP: On Saturday, we caught the train to Salisbury, had a quick walk around to plan our Sunday trip, then got on the train back to Stratford

Then, on Sunday, we tried to find the cathedral. Apparently, we walked in the wrong direction for nearly a mile couldnt find it anywhere! So, we turned around & immediately saw it right behind us. We felt so embarrassed, especially as wed only left a few minutes to see the cathedral. It was very tall & pretty, you know. Lovely clock

RB: yes, lovely clock, oldest working clock in the world, you know, although a similar statement is made of

MS: Yes, Mr Boshirov, I think weve done that bit. So, you rushed back, and got on your flight back to Moscow ?

AP: Yes, thats right. It was a lovely weekend, just th...

19:38

With Katie Hopkins in the news lets remember the greatest correction of all time The Poke

With Katie Hopkins in the news battling to stave off bankruptcy after an unfortunate court case, it is an entirely appropriate time to remember when the Daily Mirror printed this all-time great correction about the former Apprentice contestant.

Boom.

And a reminder of how people responded at the time.

The ruling lended itself to some golden responses and were glad to report they didnt disappoint.

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19:38

This spoof 12-point Brexit plan is a hilarious interpretation of the real one The Poke

Prime Minister Theresa May has told the BBC that her Chequers plan is the only way to avoid a no-deal Brexit, and that if MPs dont support it, theyll be responsible for the UK crashing out of the EU.

Just in case you missed it

Thank goodness, then, for author and Twitter essential, Aaron Gillies known as @TechnicallyRon who has come up with his own take on the 12-point plan.

Its even written in Comic Sans, the least credible of all fonts. Theresa May obviously missed a trick there.

...

19:26

Most frustrating (and entertaining) exchange youll read this week The Poke

Next level trolling or world class misunderstanding, we prefer just to enjoy it for what it is, as shared by @1902ryan.

It began when this chap complained on Twitter he was unable to get tickets for Peterboroughs home game against Portsmouth at the weekend.

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19:04

Someones plotted how the whole country pronounces scone and its the best map youll see this week The Poke

We are grateful to @bigmonsterlove for sharing this thing of beauty, the great scone map of the United Kingdom and Ireland.

It is, it really is.

And these people loved it as much as we did.

19:00

Brexit to be sponsored by Imodium NewsBiscuit

The Government has announced today a deal for 350 million pounds a week with the popular and effective tummy tablet to win the advertising and television rights for Brexit.  A government spokesperson said the deal had been under discussion for a while but, after Theresa Mays Florence speech, most people were properly shitting themselves about either the likelihood of a delayed or water-downed Brexit and, therefore, thesynergy with the well-known treatment was an ideal opportunity to take.

From next week, customers will see David Davies sporting a baseball cap with the companys logo, Liam Fox will have branding on his ministerial car and Michael Gove is unlikely to have any alterations made as he already has the natural look of a man holding back on a large turd.

The company also plans to re-shoot Boris Johnsons Olympic high wire escapade as a commercial, with the jolly denouement of the ex-Major spraying observers below with excreta as a warning about what might happen without using the drug or to the whole country if Brexit goes wrong.  The company has also delivered a life-time supply of the tablet to our skittish Prime-minister just before she readies herself for her speech at conference.  The company is currently in discussions with number 10 (and not number 2) about whether the Prime-Minister will be wearing her famous brown leather trousers when she gives her speech as they think they is another perfect opportunity to promote their product.

Milo Shame

18:42

These 12 terrifying house rules would make anyone think twice about moving in The Poke

Its both a commonly shared joke and not remotely funny how difficult it can be to find good and affordable accommodation in London, which puts the power very much in the hands of the property owners. Translator and editor, Grace Cuddihy, however, may have unearthed a property owner who has let the power go to her head, with a mostly unreasonable set of conditions.

While it may be reasonable to ask people not to waste water, ordering them to smile is definitely unreasonable.

Peoples curiosity was piqued by this taster, so Grace decided to share more of the terrifying list.

1. The worryingly vague invocation of unacceptable attitude.

2. Judging tenants by their sense of humour and education with a smiley face.

...

17:28

People are sharing the dated cultural references they use how many of these 29 do you remember? The Poke

Like counting the rings on a felled tree, the cultural references you use can date you fairly accurately, unless youve picked them up from an older person and have literally no idea where they came from. When newspaper columnist, Gary Bainbridge overheard someone using a less-than-current reference, it got him wondering which others might still be in use.

Judging by the response, it looks like were all stuck in a linguistic rut. These 29 archaic references are obviously particularly difficult to shake off.

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17:28

NSW Government Earmarks Parcel Of Land Near Badgerys Creek For Purpose-Built Nightlife District The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The halcyon days of nightlife in Sydney is set to return after the incumbent NSW Government announced today that theyve earmarked a parcel of land next to the Second Sydney Airport site at Badgerys Creek to build a dedicated nightlife district. The move comes after Gladys Berejiklians government face criticism []

The post NSW Government Earmarks Parcel Of Land Near Badgerys Creek For Purpose-Built Nightlife District appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:48

Katie Hopkins faces bankruptcy and these 17 people are entirely as sympathetic as youd expect The Poke

Katie Hopkins has applied for an insolvency agreement in a bid to avoid bankruptcy after losing a libel case involving food writer Jack Monroe.

The rightwing broadcaster and some-time columnist was ordered to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds over tweets she sent in 2015 falsely implying Monroe backed the defacement of war memorials by protestors.

Monroe originally asked for Hopkins to apologise and donate 5,000 to a migrants charity but Hopkins refused to back down so it went to court and here we are.

Hopkins, who no longer writers for Mail Online or broadcasts on LBC, once said poor people in debt have no one else to blame but themselves. Heres how people reacted online.

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15:06

Urgent Recall Ordered After Loaded Crossbows Found In Australian Watermelons The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the strawberry contamination scandal spreads across the country the fallout for the industry continues with Health Minister Greg Hunt ordering a federal investigation into the matter. However, the needle contaminations appear to be small fries when compared against the newest scandal rocking the Australian fruit and vegetables industry. Several consumers across []

The post Urgent Recall Ordered After Loaded Crossbows Found In Australian Watermelons appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:19

Class Action Brought Against Masterfoods For Sauce Portions That Just Dont Quite Do It The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The food giant Masterfoods is facing a media storm today after it was confirmed that a class action has been brought against it. News about the legal action broke this morning, as class suit professionals Slater & Blackburn announced at a press conference that they were taking up the landmark case. []

The post Class Action Brought Against Masterfoods For Sauce Portions That Just Dont Quite Do It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:59

Uncle Tony X Converts To Islam While In Prison The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister Uncle Tony Abbott has today backflipped on his previous comments about Muslim ideology, after being introduced to the teachings of the Koran by his cellmate, Spider. This comes after the newly-appointed Special Envoy to Indigenous Affairs, Uncle Tony X was jailed without a trial on Saturday evening, on the []

The post Uncle Tony X Converts To Islam While In Prison appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:39

PROPERTY CRISIS: Millennial Hatches Own Plan To Short Property Market After Watching 60 Minutes The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Im as cunning as a shit house rat, he said. So many of my friends have jumped into property ownership before they were ready. Struggling to pay a mortgage at record-low interest rates. Paying twice as much as they wouldve five years ago, Idiots. Oliver Markson is a bright, []

The post PROPERTY CRISIS: Millennial Hatches Own Plan To Short Property Market After Watching 60 Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:37

NSW Premier Considers Banning All Genres Of Music That Go Well With Drugs The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says the government will shut down a dance music festival after two people died and another three were left critically ill after the event on Saturday. Police said as many as 700 people sought medical assistance during the Defqon.1 music festival in Penrith, attended by about 30,000. We []

The post NSW Premier Considers Banning All Genres Of Music That Go Well With Drugs appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:12

Rugby Australia Assure Fans Everything Is Fine And Theyre Just In A Rebuilding Phase The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Rugbys governing body has urged fans not to panic after Saturdays historic loss to Argentina, telling those concern that theyre simply in a rebuilding phase and the team will go back to winning soon. Rugby Australia CEO Raelene Castle spoke to the media this morning in Sydney, where she []

The post Rugby Australia Assure Fans Everything Is Fine And Theyre Just In A Rebuilding Phase appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:09

Russell Brand Pops Back Up In The Newsfeed Looking Real Spiritual The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Russell Brand has come a long way since Forgetting Sarah Marshall, it has been confirmed. This comes as the English comedian, actor, radio host, author, and activist appeared back in the newsfeed with a salt and pepper beard and some sort of hippy shoal. After rising to fame as an anti-establishment comedy []

The post Russell Brand Pops Back Up In The Newsfeed Looking Real Spiritual appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:07

Report: Shania Had Almost Unachievably High Standards In Hindsight The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the School Of Social Sciences at the University Of Queensland has found that prominent late 1990s country pop singer, Shania Twain, had almost unattainably high standards for prospective lovers. This reports comes as the world prepares to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the iconic Canadian singers single That []

The post Report: Shania Had Almost Unachievably High Standards In Hindsight appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Jacob Rees-Mogg to be next Dr Who villain NewsBiscuit

In an inspired piece of casting, the next super-villain to threaten Earth will be The Jacob, a time-travelling eccentric with plans to rear a super-race of Latin-speaking clones in top hats.

Were working on his powers, said a BBC executive. Right now were coming up blank on that front, though he scores in other ways hes instantly recognisable, and is humanoid whilst obviously not 100% human. You could imagine him as an evil Timelord.

He plans to use his time-travel skills to breed a race of super-weird Latin-speaking mini-Jacobs. Because he isnt limited by time, he can breed as many as he wants, so his family could be huge. That bits going really well so far.

He also has an evil plan to halt time, but only in Britain, so that time will run normally in the rest of the universe but Britain will be locked in a particular year were thinking 1895. A forcefield at Dover will prevent time-space continuum problems, and also keep out cuisine and other seditious ideas.

The Doctor has to stop him, naturally, because if he succeeds it will be 1895 and she wont be a doctor any more. Shes a woman, you see.

We want to see children hiding behind the sofa like they used to with the daleks, he continued. Its BBC policy. We thought Strictly Come Dancing would do it, but were going to have to get even scarier.

08:15

Liberal Party Introduces 50% Quota For Bullies

morrison 730

Scott Morrisons Liberal party has announced that it will introduce quotas into their candidate selection process to ensure that the party is always represented by at least 50% bullies.

Weve heard what people have said about quotas and weve listened, said Prime Minister #ScoMo. The Liberal party has a strong tradition of being run by bullies and I will ensure that this proud tradition continues.

Now give me your lunch money and punch yourself in the head.

When asked why a quota system for bullies and not women was to be put in place the Prime Minister responded: Whoa sexist, women can be bullies as well. Have you ever met Bronwyn Bishop or Sophie Mirabella?

Those two should be in the bullying hall of fame or the Senate as its known as. Now if youll excuse me Im off to beat up my Social media team.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

05:17

Police on mail bandit Jane Doe: "She's quite a card!" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Milwaukee, WisconsinA 20-year-old US Postal Service worker, whom police are calling Jane Doe, admitted to having stolen over 6,000 greeting cards full of cash or checks. But it wasn't for the money, Doe insisted during her arraignment. She...

03:22

Great News: Folk Punk Legend on Heroin Again The Hard Times

Great news for everyone here at our anarchist co-op! Folk punk legend and singer of Scuzzy Steve and the Trash Panda Express, Steve Termini, has relapsed on heroin! Fuck yeah dude!

The beloved crust punk singer-songwriter known for his large quantity of independent releases has experimented with various musical styles over the years, each time being positively received by the DIY anarcho-punk community. However, he alienated many of his long-time listeners in 2015 when he took his music in a bold, unprecedented direction by no longer being addicted to heroin. LAME.

Its great timing too. His new stuff just wasnt the same. I want to hear lyrics about stuff I can relate to like stealing your girlfriends Etsy store profits to start a shake-and-bake meth operation or hopping a train to take a shit in a local politicians golf bag. Suddenly hes singing about repairing his relationship with his family. Plus, he doesnt even sound blackout drunk! I dont know if its his change in lifestyle or the fact that I can understand the words hes singing, but Steves lyrics kind of suck. Thank the God I dont believe in hes back!

The relapse occurred shortly after his sponsor severed contact with the legendary musician. His sponsor said one of Steves fans threw a brick through his window with a note threatening his life if he did not cut all ties to Steve. Thats total bullshit. It was a stale loaf of homemade, gluten-free banana bread I made and forgot about when I got high for a month.

Steves father issued a statement on the matter. Stevens mother and I are devastated to learn that he has failed to stay sober after all of his hard work and our many years of support. That said, his last few EPs have been way too polished production wise and were excited to hear him dip into that raw space and sing about killing cops again instead of that posi bullshit hes been on about. This could be his best album ever.

When reached for comment, Steve Termini was dead.

The post Great News: Folk Punk Legend on Heroin Again appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:03

Supreme Court Nominee's Stunning Revelations TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, D. C. - Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee, has been on the hot seat for weeks. And, it gets hotter! Just being nominated by the Trumpster is enough to make him another of the Left's most hated men in America. He is a m...

00:00

Skripal suspects leave scathing Salisbury Cathedral TripAdvisor review NewsBiscuit

The two men named as suspects in the poisoning of Sergei Skripal and his daughter have claimed that they only visited the UK as tourists but wont be back anytime soon because Salisbury Cathedral was shit.

Everyone told us you must go to Salisbury to look at the lovely cathedral.  We flew all the way from Russia just to see it and when we got there it turns out to be just a big stone church with a spire and a clock.  We were so disappointed we left the UK straight away without stopping to visit any other tourist spots or deliver a deadly nerve agent to the home of a former Russian spy.

Also the 7.50 entry fee is too expensive for a couple of guys on the salary of a Russian military intelligence officer, which of course were not, but if we were it would be too expensive.  You think maybe we are a couple of oligarchs FFS?  One star.

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Sunday, 16 September

23:45

Record Collection Organized by What Money Should Have Financed Instead The Hard Times

CHICAGO Local record collector Toni Joyce organized her extensive vinyl collection yesterday by whatever basic life necessity the money spent on the record should have financed instead, impressed sources report.

Its still alphabetical, Joyce explained. Only instead of going by the artists name, the record is filed under the first letter of whatever important thing I ignored in favor of buying it. Like this OFF! EP is filed under O, but its only there because I was supposed to get an oil change that day. Thats just a coincidence, but you get the idea.

Inspired by the film High Fidelity, in which John Cusacks character embarks on a quest to organize his records autobiographically, Joyce quickly realized that every moment of her life was centered around never having enough money to get by, but buying records anyway.

Its actually much faster for me to find a record this way, because the guilt of misspending is always at the forefront of my mind, Joyce said, pushing aside a stack of red envelopes all marked past due. Like, when I look at this copy of Neil Youngs On the Beach, I dont see a dude standing on the beach I see a couple days worth of food and an empty refrigerator. That lets me know this whole section here is records that could and should have been groceries.

While impractical, those around Joyce admitted to the appeal of their friends Student Loans and Friends Who Spot Her for Brunch sections of the collection.

Theres actually some really killer stuff hiding out in the smaller sections, said roommate Michel Degnan, eyeing a rare Locust/XBXRX split that should have been a professional haircut. Like, if Toni had opened a savings account when she was supposed to, we wouldnt have this mint first pressing of Kill Em All. I could do without the section labeled Rent, though.

Joyce noted the reorganization has been bittersweet, by and large: for example, the discovery of an Os Mutantes box set, prioritized over a friends GoFundMe campaign, served as a mixed reminder of her poor financial planning.

Yeah, maybe he was only $130 short of his goal but I think Rick would have wanted me to buy it, Joyce explained. RIP, bud. Guess I need to find a different spot for this.

The post Record Collection Organized by What Money Should Have Financed Instead appeared first on The Hard Times.

21:00

Brexit plan to be based on red, white and blue minis NewsBiscuit

The plan, codenamed Caper Time, will involve driving red, white and blue minis to the European Central Bank in Milan, filling them with gold bars and making an escape.

An early suggestion to sabotage Milans traffic lights to cause chaos was replaced with a plan just to let Italians drive the way they do anyway.

The whole plan will be masterminded by a dyed-in-the-wool crook currently serving time, though its not known which former Tory cabinet minister this will be.

STOP PRESS: All those involved in the caper have been arrested by Europol when the bus which was due to meet the minis and transport the gold back to Britain failed to turn up, as it was off the road having dodgy statistics painted on its side.

Meanwhile Michel Barnier said, with so much else going on in the world, he wished Brexiteers hadnt come in ere, causing a fracas.  For his part, David Cameron said he regretted allowing the referendum in the first place, saying it was only supposed to blow the bloody eurosceptics off.

19:04

Uncle Tony Arrested For Jaywalking After Being Unable To Hail A Cab Home From The Footy The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After rapidly embracing a new model of staunch Indigenous activism, Uncle Tony Abbott has this weekend experienced the same discrimination faced by many of his black constituents. The newly-appointed Special Envoy to Indigenous Affairs says he was arrested for no good reason while walking home from the South Sydney Rabbitohs semi-finals clash []

The post Uncle Tony Arrested For Jaywalking After Being Unable To Hail A Cab Home From The Footy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:00

Government to make it easier for giant pandas to adopt NewsBiscuit

Yang Guang, Yang Guang, Yang Guang Yang Guang Yang Guang TIAN! TiaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaanThe Government has announced plans to speed up the adoption process to enable cubless giant pandas to adopt more easily. Prime Minister David Cameron vowed to tackle the absurd barriers to mixed-species adoption that he claimed led to suffering and heartache for countless panda couples in Scotland. Launching his Adoption Action Plan he told reporters: I find it staggering that no pandas managed to adopt children last year local authorities must stop delaying adoptions in an attempt to find a perfect species match.

The current restrictions have led to some pandas to look further afield for babies, with celebrity panda Madge Madge courting controversy last year when she flew to Africa to adopt a baby. The announcement is good news for Edinburgh panda couple Yang Guang and Tian Tian, who despite days of trying appear to have failed in their bid to become pregnant, but has met with criticism from religious groups who claim that forcing their adoption agencies to consider pandas as potential parents breaches their human rights. Theres probably something in the Bible saying that pandas becoming parents to human children is a sin, said Cardinal Cormac Murphy-OConnor. We can find something, Im sure. We can always find something to justify discriminating against someone if we look hard enough. Did they have pandas in the Bible?

The pandas have rejected those arguments however, pointing out that they both lead extremely chaste lifestyles, hardly ever feeling lustful thoughts and having sex on average just once a year, if that. Thats not quite the full picture, argued Cardinal Murphy-OConnor though. Its well documented that Tian Tian is the mother of twins to another father, although the cubs were taken away from her at a young age and she now has no contact with them, and Yang Guang is also thought to have fathered another cub a few years ago. Theyre not the sort of parents we would want to place a baby with.

Yang Guang denies that he is the father of the cub, and is due to take a DNA test on The Jeremy Kyle show next month in an attempt to clear his name. Theres no way that kids mine, innit, he protested. I never even shagged is mum, she were too pissed. E dunt even look like me or nuffing, ya get me.

17:47

White Dog Does The Robot Then Drops His Guts On Local Pub Dance Floor The Betoota Advocate

MORRIS GOOCH | Local News | Contact A largely unpopular local university student took to the dance floor of the Dickless Parrot Hotel in Betoota Heights last night to showcase his ability to do the robot while simultaneously dropping his guts. Miles Perryford, a 21-year-old business studies from nearby Jundah, told our reporters that he []

The post White Dog Does The Robot Then Drops His Guts On Local Pub Dance Floor appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:46

Scott Morrison Lifts Spirits On Nauru With Resident Hillsong Rock Band The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Proving once again that he is for all Australians, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has decided to improve living conditions for detainees on Nauru Regional Processing Centre with the addition of an in-house Hillsong rock band. According to Morrison, he is very concerned the conditions for the 189 detainees in the Nauru detention []

The post Scott Morrison Lifts Spirits On Nauru With Resident Hillsong Rock Band appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:12

Rip-Off: God of War Christianity DLC Only Has One Boss The Hard Times

Sources have confirmed that the upcoming God of War: Christianity DLC will only have one boss, a move that many see as continuing a trend of studios pressuring gamers into spending their hard earned money on overpriced and shallow content.

The God of War series top priority has always been historical and cultural accuracy, said creative director Cory Barlog, defending the decision to gathered press earlier today. It would be categorically wrong to have any other boss besides our Lord God, YHWH, the Alpha and the Omega. Besides, theres plenty of other content to justify the $24.99 price tag. We have this really fun fishers of men minigame, and were bringing back quick-time events to make Kratos hug tax collectors.

What a cheapskate! Unsurprisingly, users of the r/GodofWar subreddit were vocally displeased about the announcement.

I cant believe Sony would fuck us over like this, redditor PM_ME_UR_GREEK_NUDES said in a gilded post. Some bootlickers in this sub have been saying there are actually three bosses, but theyre just different forms of the same guy. And I heard most of the DLC is an escort mission with twelve NPCs. Dont support Sonys shitty business practices. I bet a hundred bucks theyre just gonna reskin this one for the Judaism and Islam DLCs.

Although most agree that the release is nothing more than a cynical cash grab, the Vatican has applauded the DLCs theological accuracy. Pope Francis even issued an official papal statement on the matter.

As a devout follower of Christ and a huge fan of that Kratos dude, the Church can wholly endorse the new downloadable content, the statement read.  Our playtest of consecrated review code offered at least two hours of Biblically sound ultraviolent gameplay. My favorite new mechanic is how the player must shout three Hail Marys into the PS4 headset to restore health. The regen in Rage Mode was totally OP anyway.

Despite Pope Francis blessing, it appears that the backlash from might have resonated with Sony, resulting in a rare victory for the cash strapped gamer. At press time, Barlog had announced Hinduism DLC, which will add a boss rush mode with 33 million rounds.

The post Rip-Off: God of War Christianity DLC Only Has One Boss appeared first on The Hard Times.

13:37

Government Worker Urged To Take 5 RDOs After Doing An Hour Of Overtime The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact A government-employed town planner has received a rather stern slap on the wrist today after staying a full one-hour later than he is contractually obligated to. Bill Miller was called into his managers office at 9:01 this morning to receive his punishment and be urged not to do []

The post Government Worker Urged To Take 5 RDOs After Doing An Hour Of Overtime appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:24

Untalented Artist Moves To Tasmania The Betoota Advocate

For Sharon Dixon, life as a practicing water-colour-artist-and-sculptor in Betoota was a cruel, harsh world. Ontop of her career being held ransom by an entire industry unwilling to promote any artists that arent  exploring identity politics in their paintings, she also isnt very talented. I mean, art is subjective she says. I dont use Instagram []

The post Untalented Artist Moves To Tasmania appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:23

Canberran Native Unnecessarily Confirms Statement By Saying True At The End Of It The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Its Sunday today noted Steve, a normal Australian citizen. True replied Canberra resident, Todd Greggory. While this may seem like a rather innocuous exchange between Steve and Todd, its Todds unnecessary reply thats garnered some attention. Todd is from Canberra and in Canberra the word true has managed []

The post Canberran Native Unnecessarily Confirms Statement By Saying True At The End Of It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:10

One man's dream: Flatulence to Flight TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Scientists from the Seattle Technology Institute National College (STINC) have achieved a major breakthrough in recycling technology. Spokesperson Violet Funk explained. "STINC specializes in recycling human and animal waste, with a focus on conve...

11:38

Conor McGregor Banned From Fighting After Potatoes Found Growing Out Of His Ears TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Conor McGregor, the former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, has been suspended from all forms of fighting after potatoes were found growing in his lugoyles. McGregor, 30, the mixed martial artist, who is never far from controversy, was...

11:27

Buffalo Bills Admit They're Not Trying To Win TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A high level official in the Buffalo Bills organization, who refuses to reveal his name, has decided to reveal all in a shocking confession that will rock the football world. "I had to get this off my chest. It's not fair to the fans. Those poor s...

08:59

These 19 guesses at The Edges location were even better than the real thing The Poke

As an internationally renowned rock star, U2s unique guitarist, The Edge, a.k.a. Dave Evans, gets about a bit, so when he asked people to guess where he was in a selfie hed taken on a beautiful day, you can bet he wasnt in a Dublin suburb.

Now, geography may not be our strong point, but as the Eiffel tower is in the background, were prepared to take a wild stab in the dark and assume hes in Paris. However, these 19 magnificent suggestions are a lot more entertaining than our answer.

1.

2.

3.

4.

...

08:56

Highly Unattractive People Finally Settle For Each Other TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Iowa. Robert Downer, 38, and Melissa Crow, 39, finally decided to get together and make love on the bathroom floor of Melissa's apartment last Tuesday. Robert Downer, who has a massive hydrocele in his left testicle and a face that looks like...

08:55

Government to build wind factories to power wind farms NewsBiscuit

As hundreds of turbines stand motionless on the British landscape, the Department of Energy has defended its decision to build giant wind-producing plants nearby to make them energy-efficient.

Britain needs to generate 87 per cent more wind to keep the turbines running all the time, explains Damien Byrdhill of the Department of Energy.  The solution is to build electricity generators powering huge fans the size of the Empire State Building.

Strathrennie wind farm in Scotland will be kept running by a coal-fired power station blowing a deafening blast of air through the turbine blades from across the valley.  Trees are already being removed from the area, as theyll only be blown down anyway.

Meanwhile, the Corthen wind farm in Cornwall will be powered by a nuclear reactor situated in a nearby nature reserve which will blow a 150mph wind at it 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.   This is a groundbreaking advance, a breathless Mr Byrdhill assured his audience at a recent press conference.  Well have the turbines running at an unprecedented 99.98 per cent efficiency.  Artificial wind is a milestone in the history of green energy provided you forget that its coming from a reactor were building with spare parts from Chernobyl.

When confronted by a resident who complained his home will be in the path of this perpetual hurricane, Mr Byrdhill reacted angrily:   Ill huff and Ill puff and Ill blow your house down!

07:31

Now that he wants to become an American, The Beeb wishes he hadn't been such an asshole TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

USA All the WayNow that he's wed Hailey Bald Wynn, the blonde bombshell who shaves down there, teen heartthrob Justin Canuck Bieber wants to become an American. But he also wants to retain his Canuck citizenship. As he says to me, his blu...

03:02

New RPG Maker Update Quietly Deletes Program One Week After Install The Hard Times

SANTA ANA, Calif. The latest update to RPG Maker MV will improve the title by quietly deleting it for users a week after installation, the games publishers confirmed yesterday.

The players spoke well, more like painfully groaned after five fruitless minutes of trying to come up with a unique name for their project and we listened, said NIS America representative Jamie Hackett. No more cumbersome uninstall menus or embarrassing admissions that you lack the commitment to design your dream game even when provided piles of premade material. Just a chance to forget how in over your head you were and to buy the game again several months later!

Kate Stabler, who participated in the updates test period, believes its hassle-free self-removal will further cater the program to users like her.

[The update] is perfect for muses like me, said Stabler, scrolling through her document titled Sweet Names for Swords & Shit, that encompasses 498 pages. We cant be bothered with this techie stuff like map layout, damage formulas, or angrily trying to get rid of the program after finding out its way more than we can handle. How else will we generate all this grade-A material for somebody else to implement?

Meanwhile, Steam user Damian Stowe stated the update will help him return to more serious titles in his inventory. Most pressing, he claimed, is Sakura Clicker, a game in which you rapidly click the breasts of scantily clad female enemies to defeat them.

Whos got several minutes to waste on realizing youre too lazy for event mapping or drafting meaningful dialogue? There are heavy-chested evildoers out there! he said, moments before confirming a one-dollar microtransaction that makes some enemies randomly appear in a nurse outfit.

If feedback from the RPG Maker update proves favorable, Kadokawa Corporation has reportedly considered a more aggressive update where the game provides a refund after 20 minutes of gameplay and recommends the user go get a Nintendo Switch and Octopath Traveler instead.

The post New RPG Maker Update Quietly Deletes Program One Week After Install appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:00

Cluedo: The Brexit Edition NewsBiscuit

Boardgames giant Hasbro has announced the latest edition of Cludeo, its iconic whodunit murder mystery game, that in the past has seen Sherlock and and Midsomer Murders special versions released, will be based on Brexit.

Jasper McCleod, the companys UK Head of Marketing said: We felt this is very much a pertinent move, of its time and a really zeitgeisty choice, what with the UK being currently murdered both metaphorically and psychically as a result of the current bungling shambles this government is making of the whole sorry business.

00:00

NHS jealous of North Korea NewsBiscuit

In an impassioned speech from the pokey confines of a nursing home, the ailing NHS hit out about her shocking treatment and labelled her 70th birthday celebrations as a kick in the teeth.   For 70 years Ive been delivering a free point of care health service to millions of people and what do I get in return? lamented the decrepit health system.   A mention on the BBC and a few stale cakes made in a bake off.

Its all take, take, take these days.  They roll up here, most of them obese and smoking like chimneys, and expect me to give them the latest in modern healthcare free of charge, and then two weeks later theyre in A&E with a headache!  Did you hear what they laid on for North Korea when it was her 70th?  She had street parades, ticker tape, banners.  A proper do, it was.

Sources said the NHS shuffled off to bed shortly after the interview, muttering: Theyll miss me when Im gone.

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Saturday, 15 September

23:45

Report: Six More Bands to Go Before Yours The Hard Times

ROANOKE, Va. After watching three bands already, three more bands are scheduled to play before yours tonight at local punk venue Rodderlys, despite the shows late start and a heavily enforced curfew, according to multiple sources.

Yeah, Shock Blaster got added after we made the poster, said bartender Tamara Raglan, between the third and fourth bands for the Tuesday night bill. The bookers cousins band from Toledo apparently lost their show at Java or some shit theyre sort of doom, and sort of industrial. Each one of their songs is, like, nine minutes. Its fucking sick.

Additionally, the sound guy most recently informed you that Shock Blaster brought their touring openers Mizz Muff, and both are reportedly wondering if you have any weed.

Shit, your bassist was overheard saying. Fuck. Ive got my sisters dog tonight. Dammit Ill be back in an hour. I have to get home before it shits on my couch. Text me if you need me to grab food or anything.

Meanwhile, your friends who felt obligated to come out allegedly think the diverse musical styles and offensive length of the show are beginning to be an issue.

The first and second bands kinda bled into each other, said friend Suzie Costa, filling you in since you purposefully avoided them by sitting backstage, smoking hand-rolled Bali Swags. They both had red-headed drummers, and they both covered the same Misfits song, so the whole thing was really confusing.

I took a break during the third band because they had two drum machines and a marimba player, added another friend.

Despite the show running five hours and counting, and your early barista shift tomorrow morning, there are no signs youll be able to leave soon.

You know we have to stay for at least a few songs of the last band, too, so we dont look like dicks, your drummer said, slamming her beer on the bar so hard she crumpled the can. Maybe I can just ask the band before us if I can use their kit, so we can save time on set up? Ugh. There are so many bands here, I wouldnt even know who to ask.

At press time, you were last seen napping in your van after local indie-rock favorites Red Whiskey showed up and made the show an impromptu party for their album release.

Photo by Zach Raffio.

The post Report: Six More Bands to Go Before Yours appeared first on The Hard Times.

19:13

I Am Anonymous 2 TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

ONLY IN AMERICA - Last Wednesday I submitted an article "I Am Anonymous" to The Spoof. My source, of course, Anonymous. In Anonymous' own words it was described how Anonymous is the most influential person on the planet! In the article, Anonymous als...

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Tuesday, 14 August

15:12

Elvis Presley Sightings Suggest He May Still Be Alive TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The King is Dead! Or is he? The death of Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, on 16 August 1977, shook the world to its very foundations, and set in motion a concerted effort by heartbroken fans to prove that it was all a hoax, and that h...

10:57

Sunflower Seed Sprouts in Man's Ear TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

MAYO CLINIC. ROCHESTER, MN. Doctor's at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic revealed today that a sunflower plant is growing inside a male patient's ear. As explained at a clinic press conference, the unidentified patient sought treatment for an ear th...

07:42

DemocRATs want to live large "like Putin" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

La La land, USAIn a follow-up to a Gal Lupp poll in which 51% of DemocRATs confessed to preferring socialism to capitalism, respondents to the poll gave their reasons for their preference. Why work when I can get stuff free? Freddy the Freeload...

01:10

Shock as Sir Elton John turns to Country Music TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Sir Elton John may have said "let one of your fucking country singers do it" on hearing the rumour that he was to perform at President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration, but deep down, it seems he is a fan of the mawkishly boring and notoriously homo...

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Monday, 13 August

15:14

President Trump Bans Spoof Stories About Himself TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

US President Donald Trump, has addressed the US press corps at the White House this afternoon, and has placed a full and complete ban on ALL spoof stories about himself, especially ones that portray him in a bad light. Mr Trump claims he tired of...

15:02

Trump Unveiled As Subject Of New Book: 'Where's Trumpo?' TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Fans of the children's puzzle book series 'Where's Waldo?' will be interested in a new publication along the same lines, for readers of all ages, featuring the President of the United States, Donald Trump, entitled 'Where's Trumpo?' In the origina...

14:46

Satan Uncomfortable With Overwhelming Success TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In a candid one-on-one interview, Satan, the prince of darkness and ruler of all seven circles of Hell, confirmed that he is uncomfortable with the overwhelming success hes acheived in the realm of mortals. While his influence had always been preval...

13:57

Stock Market Goes Down, Then Up, Then Down Again. TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The stock market went up, then down, then up, then down, then up, then down. It then rose before dropping. This was quickly followed by an increase, which was interrupted by a fall. The market then went up, then back down. It went up, down, u...

13:41

Satan Resigns TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The CEO of the underworld released a short statement this morning: I hereby announce my resignation, not because I've done anything wrong, mind you, but because my work here is done. My bucket list for the world is complete. They say it's best...

12:18

Russians Hack Florida Elections-O.J. Simpson is New Governor of Florida TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Tallahassee, FL Florida elections officials announced today that they had solid evidence that the recent Florida elections were hacked. They point to the fact that O.J. has become the new Governor. "O.J. Simpson wasn't even on the ballot. The fact...

04:42

Maduro reaches out to Clinton after assassination attempt TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Caracas, VenezuelaVenezuelan President Nicols The Madman Maduro wants to know "what [expletive deleted] happened" a week ago, when explosives-laden drones went off, injuring seven soldiers in what appears to have been an attempt on the dickhead...

04:02

Nashville Man Revels in the Absurdity of His Existence TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Kenny Hartwell of Nashville, Tennessee, recently decided to abandon his preconceived notions about what his life should be like and revel in the absurdity of his existence. It's going well, said Kenny of his new approach to life. For instance,...

Sunday, 12 August

17:10

Fish Cheat Death In Daring Escape Bid TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Residents in the Battambang commune of Tapon were on alert for a time this morning, after two fish went on the run from a high-security bucket. Local resident, Sawon Kenwood, had purchased the fish yesterday afternoon, with a view to cooking them,...

12:00

Trump Buys Huge, Fortified Estate in Russia TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mar-A-Lago, FL President Obama's secret bugs in the White House have revealed that President Trump has been trying to purchase a very large estate in Russia, surrounded by a moat and a BIG WALL. He has finally closed on it, after securing loans from...

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