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Friday, 22 December


Poser at Symphony Claps After First Movement The Hard Times

BOSTON Boston Symphony Orchestra patrons were dismayed last night when a complete poser in attendance clapped after the first movement of Beethovens Ninth Symphony, irritated witnesses confirmed.

When that man stood up and started applauding, my initial reaction was shock followed by an overwhelming feeling of disgust, said Thurston Archibald Davenport IV, wiping his monocle. Any symphony-goer worth his salt knows that you do not clap after a movement of music. Just where did he think he was? Summer stock? chortled Davenport.

Patrons were reportedly treated to a magnificent rendition of the opening movement to Beethovens masterwork. Following the final note of the movement, a distinct clapping sound could be heard from the floor.

I mean, have you never heard Beethoven before? I would wager that man couldnt even name three of Beethovens concertos not to mention who may have commissioned them, said Duchess Amanda Hurstonfeld. What an utter buffoon.

Margaret Rutherford, a Conductors Coven donor, witnessed the clapping firsthand.


I was seated two rows behind the blundering, artless poser when he let loose no less than five claps during the intended silence. As I glared at him, I saw he was wearing a Beethoven shirt! Only the most clueless of hayseeds would wear a Beethoven shirt to a Beethoven concert, scoffed Rutherford. Personally, I showed my support by wearing a Brahms slip underneath my gown. My husband wore his Mahler cummerbund.

Following the performance, VIP patrons gathered near the back entrance to hobnob with the musicians. The man whom other attendees labeled Poser 8000 allegedly attempted to join the conversations, but with little success.

Frankly, it was embarrassing, noted Becker Rothchild-Kensington. Pardon me, but take a hint, man. He might as well have taken a steaming bowel movement at center stage while singing show tunes. He is a social pariah, to say the least!

Longtime symphony patrons admitted they hadnt been this upset since a similar incident from seven seasons ago, when at the conclusion of the performance, a man yelled, Hoorah! instead of Bravo!

Pick up a shirt from The Hard Times today:


God confesses actually, I dont know NewsBiscuit

Popular deity, God, has admitted that despite the widespread expression, he doesnt know a lot of stuff.  You hear it all the time; Whats my email password? God knows. well, actually Ive quite a lot on my plate without keeping track of millions of amnesiacs pet names.

For thousands of years God did try and know everything:  It was much easier back in the day I had 3 filing cabinets that held most things and a notebook with the common questions; Can you cry under water?, What does she see in him?, Wasps, why? and so on.  But nowadays theres loads more and, to be honest, people are a lot thicker.

The purpose of life? Where the keys are? Boris Johnson? Ive no idea.


Christmas Meat Orders Scarfolk Council

Scarfolk's Dr Hushson, who surgically adapted children into kitchen utensils for the catering industry, also genetically modified children to grow a variety of foods on, and in, their bodies (see Discovering Scarfolk p. 120-123).

Taking sausage DNA, Hushson created the 'sausage orphan', which genetically substituted a child's face - something Hushson had long considered redundant - for a sausage or luncheon meat.

By the end of the 1970s, sausage orphans or 'kids in blankets' had become a traditional part of a Scarfolk Christmas lunch. Orders were taken weeks in advance and in the days leading up to the festivities, frightened sausage orphans would huddle together in meat curing/smoking rooms to await their fate.

See also: Scarbrand pie filling; minor meat cuts; Mr Liver Head; recycling surgical waste; the Eating Children book.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year from all the staff at Scarfolk Council!


All the Damian Green jokes you need right now (plus a few more) The Poke

Damian Greens been sacked by Theresa May after he lied about allegations that porn was found on his work computer.

Heres every Damian Green gag you need right now. And then some more.








Misfits Christmas Album Mostly Just Songs About Halloween The Hard Times

LODI, N.J. A highly anticipated Christmas album from punk legends The Misfits consists primarily of songs about Halloween, multiple confused listeners confirmed.

The album, entitled Mommy, Can I Go Out and Carol Tonight? features the bands original lineup performing holiday originals as well as covers.

I thought, finally heres some music my mom and I can both enjoy, said longtime Misfits fan and high school student Laura Patton. But they somehow turned Frosty the Snowman into a story of demonic possession and decapitation. My mom grounded me as soon as she heard it.

Bassist Jerry Only explained that the album was a poorly conceived way to capitalize on the holiday season.

Historically, Christmas albums are big sellers, said Only. We figured we might as well get a piece of that market. Unfortunately, it turns out were all so used to singing about Halloween that we just couldnt shake the habit. But Im still confident that our song House of Horrors could be a Christmas classic.

Recently reunited with The Misfits, frontman Glenn Danzig was excited to write new lyrics that stretched the bands lyrical content.


I sat down at my desk made entirely out of the bones of nocturnal animals to write lyrics about the holiday season, said Danzig. But the only words that came out were about wearing masks, creating havoc, and dead cats. Im just not used to making songs about bullshit like jingle bells, candy canes, and family togetherness.

Recording sessions were reportedly fraught with frustration, as the band struggled to create music that effectively conveyed the Christmas spirit.

Sales of Mommy, Can I Go Out and Carol Tonight? have allegedly already eclipsed Anal Cunts 1997 Hanukkah album, Dreidel Up Your Ass.



Top 10 funniest Donald Trump moments when he met Angela Merkel The Poke

Latest in our list of the top 10 funniest Donald Trump moments of the year was when he met Germanys Angela Merkel. And what an absolute car crash of a photoshoot that was.

Trump was widely criticised for refusing to shake the German chancellors hand when they met at the White House he could barely bring himself to look at her and suggesting they were both wiretapped by Barack Obama.

Here are our 10 favourite tweets.







One of the most achingly true things Ive ever read about Christmas The Poke

You might have something in your eye after reading this.

Heres what other people made of it.


This sticky tape impressionist is very busy at this time of year The Poke

From the good people of @bbcthree.


The post This sticky tape impressionist is very busy at this time of year appeared first on The Poke.


Awful Funko Pop Movie That Was Probably In The Works Scraped After TJ Miller Assault Allegations The Hard Times

It looks like fans of brand synergy will have to wait quite a while for their dream film to see the light of day. An ex-girlfriend of comedian TJ Miller has recently stepped forward with accusations of abuse and assault, causing the cancellation of a number of projects involving Miller, including a terrible film adaptation of the Funko Pop dolls, probably.

Funko Pop, the doll company that reimagines fandom icons as pretty much the same infantilized person/thing every single time, was likely in the process of creating their own Lego/emoji style animated movie, we assume, and has halted production after allegations against their lead voice actor. Probably.

The film was set to be a fish out of water story about an Incredible Hulk Funko Pop doll that wants to be a chef, I bet. Further, the film was slated for its own cinematic universe, we assume, because of course it was.

Related: Heres Everything Leaving Netflix This Month Due to Sexual Misconduct Allegations


The story would have almost certainly had Miller exchanging quips with a cast of lesser Saturday Night Live alumnus, an attractive woman, and Patrick Stewart, all of whom have likely distanced themselves so far from the project you cant find even find any trace of this information online.

Though a director had not yet been attached to the project, rumors probably had it that Rich Moore, of Wreck-it Ralph acclaim, would sign on only to quit halfway through the project when the vice-like grip of ruthless capitalism choked the life out of any artistic vision he brought to the table.

This hypothetical movies cancellation is a crushing blow to fans of a cash grab disguised as art. However, were almost positive Colombia Pictures is greenlighting an animated film about bitcoins as we speak starring Chris Brown, because if there are two constants in Hollywood its destroying art to make a dollar and a casual attitude toward abuse.

Article by Hard Times Staff.

Stop buying Funko Pop dolls and start buying Hard Times t-shirts!


Im The Only Member Of My Family To Survive Double Dare The Hard Times

I remember like it was yesterday. My perfect nuclear family was invited to Nickelodeon studios in Orlando, Florida to compete on Double Dare. That day my life changed for the worst.

Things seemed normal at first. I met Mark Summers, who smelled like the inside of a new car. We aced the trivia rounds. Things were going well, until we made it to the final round: the dreaded obstacle course.

My father stepped into the first obstacle, the Human Hamster Wheel. He began running until, finally, the flag descended. As he cheered in victory, the wheel broke free and pulled my father underneath, crushing him instantly. I will admit, I laughed before I realized the gravity of the situation.

My mom was always determined, and she wasnt about to let her husbands death ruin her shot at Space Camp. She grabbed the flag and plunged into the Giant Gumball Machine. As the crank turned a strange sound emitted from underneath, like a full can of ravioli put through a recycling machine. The slot opened at the bottom, revealing my mothers hand, clutching the next flag.

Related: Only True 90s Kids Will Remember That Drifter We Killed 21 Years Ago

My parents were shown the mercy of a quick, relatively shameless death. During the penultimate obstacle, however, my sister Trisha became trapped inside the Giant Ear. It would be several days before the jaws of life could free her. When they finally dislodged her she was still holding our mothers hand. Weeks later, Trisha developed a terrible cough.

Prolonged exposure to the inside of the Giant Ear caused my sister to develop Wax Lung. She had inhaled a fatal amount of synthetic ear wax and asbestos. When she expelled her final bright orange waxy cough, I laid the red triangular flag she gave me upon her body.

Due to the unprecedented amount of casualties that episode, I was unable to complete the obstacle course. Even if I had won the trip to Space Camp, I had no family with which to go. All I walked away with was a sick Huffy bike.

I can still hear their screams whenever I ride it.

Article by Nick Ortolani @nickortolani

Want to support The Hard Times? Grab one of our t-shirts!

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Thursday, 21 December


May to answer all questions in next PMQs with I know you are, but what am I NewsBiscuit

In a robust riposte to accusations that she was being evasive during Prime Ministers Questions, Mrs May confounded critics by claiming: Im rubber youre glue, words bounce off me and stick to you.

Asked if she was employing playground taunts to deflect from important constitutional issues, she said takes one to know one, before taking the unprecedented step of taking her bat, her ball and going home.

Its Prime Ministers Questions, duh, not Prime Ministers Answers, said a spokesperson for No. 10.   Asked how such official policy could be commensurate with the convention that PMQs should render the Prime-Minister accountable to Parliament, the official answered:  because your mum, thats why, keeping firmly to the established Party line.



EVE Onlines Latest War Cost Millions Say Both People Who Understand Game The Hard Times

REYKJAVIK, Iceland The latest war in EVE Online set a new record for real-world financial losses in the game, according to both people who understand how the game works.

The in-game cost of the losses totalled over 66 trillion InterStellar Kredit (ISK), an estimated theoretical real-world value of $2 million USD, said Dr. Bichel Burgomaster, an economics fellow at Geneva Davis University and one of two people on Earth who gets how EVE Online functions. Dr. Burgomaster recently finished a three-year study of the relationship between PLEX, bitcoin, ISK and the Euro for a research paper his peers described as irrevocably useless.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

PLunderBunny, an EVE Online player with more than 300 hours logged in the game, attempted to describe the conflict.

So it began when a guy in some federation thing forgot to renew a treaty again? And then a whole bunch of ships came in and started fighting? To be honest the gameplay footage looks like a bunch of stalled ships shooting at each other and not moving at all for some reason.

God, I thought this would be like Rogue Squadron, he said before sighing in resignation.

The second person in the world who understands EVE Online, a popular redditor who goes by u/FayneJ, stated the conflict is easy to understand. He explained that, like real world conflicts, the battle was driven by tensions between rival factions that had been simmering for some time.

Actually what happened is quite simple, once the treaty expired players from the Flustercucks Coalition bum-rushed the T-HC4EV system, one of the most valuable Null Security regions in the game. Its like the Halloween War times 9/11, said FayneJ.

When asked to explain the value of what this all means FayneJ said, Obviously, blue doughnuts.

Despite their limited understanding of how to play the game and the meaning of this latest conflict, PLunderBunny and others plan to keep on playing.

It allows...


David Davis said hed resign if Damian Green was sacked and people are very keen to remind him The Poke

David Davis threatened to resign if Damian Green was sacked and now the first secretary has been sacked, people are very keen to remind him.

Green was sacked by Theresa May after he admitted making misleading statements after pornography was found on Commons computer in 2008.

And yet, a day after Green cleared his desk, sources close to Davis say he has no intention of stepping down.

Heres what people are saying on Twitter right now.







Someone was inspired by their neighbours Christmas lights to do something different The Poke

Noel or no Noel?

And in close-up.

His neighbour.

His house.


The post...


Kent Police crush local pesto ring NewsBiscuit

public urged to be on the lookout for pestophilesKent Police were this afternoon formally congratulated on the outstanding success of Operation Ploughmans. Speaking from outside Downing St, Prime Minister David Cameron praised the two month operation as a significant contribution to Britains home economic security.

From their operations base at Dover, police officers intercepted several tankers of Spanish olive oil, along with sizable quantities of Macedonian pine nuts. Maps in the trucks confirmed police suspicions that the raw materials were destined for industrial warehouses in the so-called Kitchen Garden of Surrey. Here they would be mixed with locally grown basil and parmesan cheese which was to be flown over from Italy this weekend.

Police admit to being overwhelmed by the scale of what they had uncovered, and the disciplined approach of those involved. In the words of one senior officer, It was like they were following a recipe or something Police have long been aware of small scale pesto use among students and the hippie community, but tended to take a lenient approach if it was for personal use.

People often give mortar and pestle sets as housewarming presents. Its a laugh at the time, but sometimes these things actually get taken out of their packaging and used. Often with tragic consequences, he continued. Pesto has long been recognised as a gateway ingredient. And its not long before people move on to more dangerous territory like baba ganoush, and, in some cases taramasalata.

And while television cooks like Jamie Oliver, have done much to glamorize a garlic-fuelled lifestyle, at the same time travel shows often warn of how European Tapas bars can lead to a sense of paranoia and confusion among bewildered English tourists, as they try to find a familiar midday dish of flavourless cheese and crusty scrapings of Branston pickle on overpriced slices of yesterdays bread.

Make no mistake. Pesto destroys families, the PM told an awestruck media . We dont need it here. We have our own traditions, and that is what I can promise to give you. Right here. Right now. Ploughmans and a large wally.



People love this ball boys reaction to Bristol Citys last minute winner over Manchester United The Poke

Question: How excited is this ball boy about Bristol Citys last minute winner against Manchester United in one of the great giant-killing acts of recent times?

Answer: very.



Mike Pences prayer of thanks to Donald Trump is the most bizarre, toe-curling thing youll see this year The Poke

Heres vice-president Mike Pence telling Donald Trump just what an amazing and extraordinary man he is, and what a wonderful job he is doing as president.

This guy was in the West Wing, so he knows what hes talking about.



He literally doesnt understand how clothes work and the responses fit just perfectly The Poke

Over to Bill OReilly for our tip of the day. Thats Bill OReilly, who paid out $45m, along with his former employer Fox News, to settle sexual misconduct with colleagues and other people.

Thanks Bill! Do you think, by any chance, you might have got that the wrong way round?







This creepy bathe in my milk website will give you so many questions and were not sure we want the answers The Poke

News reaches POke HQ of a strange website called

We mean jeez look at it?!

Who are these people?

What the hell is that rope doing there?

Why is she in the window?

Are those men being held hostage? That does not look like a good time notes @Melaneycb.

If you have any answers to this, keep it to yourself, we dont want to know.

Source: Twitter/@Omgitstamz

The post This creepy bathe in my milk website will give you so many questions and were not sure we want the answers appeared first on The Poke.


Height Of Comedy: Office Manager Busts Out Of Mens Room Wearing Santa Costume The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact In a hilarious sequence of events, a man dressed as Santa has appeared in a Betoota Hills sales office yelling ho ho ho, before breaking into laughter himself. The Santa, who looks suspiciously similar to Christopher from accounts, was cause of a hysterical outbreak of laughter from some of the late-40s female coworkers []

The post Height Of Comedy: Office Manager Busts Out Of Mens Room Wearing Santa Costume appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Another great actor lost to alcohol and drugs The Poke

Proving once again that not enough of you took Zammos Just Say No message to heart comes this tragic news about R2D2:

R2D2 isnt the only actor weve lost this year

Remember kids. Meth, not even once.

Source: Twitter/@_youhadonejob1

The post Another great actor lost to alcohol and drugs appeared first on The Poke.


The internet is giggling about Damian Green being sacked after porn being found on his computer and heres the funniest 10 tweets The Poke

Government ministers and porn enthusiast Damian Green sacked from his cabinet post, not for wanking at work, but for fibbing in the resultant media storm.

But the wanking is going to be the only think anyone cares about so heres 10 tweets from internet jokesters giggling about it.


2. Another wanking joke

3. This other wanking joke

4. Yep more wanking jokes this one a poem. Nice.

5. Another joke about wanking


Picture Quiz Theresa May or Zelda from Terrahawks? The Poke

An important question for you to ponder:

Wheres Theresa May? writes @Iantheinventor.

I give up writes @Iantheinventor.

Personally, I find this really disgusting. Zelda deserves to be treated with so much more respect than this. writes @Paulfcockburn.

Source: Twitter/@mockeree

The post Picture Quiz Theresa May or Zelda from Terrahawks? appeared first on The Poke.


Twas the night before Brexit (probably December 2026) NewsBiscuit

Twas the night before Brexit and all through the House

Of Commons, no sex occurred. No hand down a blouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

With Gove hung by the neck and the treasury was bare


The voters were nestled all snug in their beds,

With dreams of border control, stuck in their heads.

And Ma with her Leave poster and I in my cap,

Had blamed the immigrants for all of our crap


When out of UKIP, there arose such a clatter,

Talk of democracy, as if that could matter.

Away to the polls I flew like a flash,

For straight bananas and N.H.S. cash.


Then, out of Boris arse what should appear?

A bus with numbers, but sources unclear.

Sitting atop a Farage, so lively and quick,

To apportion blame and EU pension to nick.


A bundle of trade agreements under his cape,

Tied up with some fairy lights but no more red tape.

With a divorce payment to pour down the drain,

He quaffed his pint and called Poles a rude name.


Now Junker! Now Davis! Now Merkel and Theresa May!

Dont mention that migrant workers are pulling my sleigh.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,



(hattip rfreed)


Weird Man Confirms His Drink Of Choice Is Southern Comfort The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact People first noticed Gary Turtledick wasnt normal in high school. Hed routinely mouth off at teachers, even as a relative youngster. As a sixth form student, his fellow students frequently observed him using a urinal with his school trousers down around his ankles in a pool of somebody elses []

The post Weird Man Confirms His Drink Of Choice Is Southern Comfort appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Exhausted Woman Wraps Up Work Christmas Events, Now In Preparation For Week Of Family The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Elise Souchez felt the weight lift off her shoulders this afternoon as she finally drew a line through 2017. Today was the last work and social commitment for the year, and Souchez told us she was just about done. If I wasnt already worn out from 11 months of slogging it out for []

The post Exhausted Woman Wraps Up Work Christmas Events, Now In Preparation For Week Of Family appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Paralegal Binging On Double Blacks About To Find Out Why She Stopped Drinking Them The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Editor-at-large | Contact Heading to a party in the French Quarter this evening Sara Milad, a 22-year-old legal graduate decided to make a spontaneous purchase of a notorious alcopop. The generally composed young woman exited the bottle shop in The Quarter Mall with 3 4packs of Double Blacks today. Its pretty well []

The post Paralegal Binging On Double Blacks About To Find Out Why She Stopped Drinking Them appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Bloke That Got Caught Up Talking Bitcoin On First Date Very Lucky To Get A Second One The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After three-months riding his smartphone through the wild west of cryptocurrency trading, local bachelor Edward Fitzsimmons has found himself unable to talk about anything else once he gets going. Like many young white semi-professional Australian males, Edward views cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin as his saviour from a life of privilege a []

The post Bloke That Got Caught Up Talking Bitcoin On First Date Very Lucky To Get A Second One appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Triple M Successfully Corners The Islam Is Not A Race Market With Ozzest 100 Countdown The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Popular classic rock radio franchise Triple M has one-uped their public broadcasting counterparts by choosing to play a countdown-style playlist on January 26. Triple J has for many years played a listener-voted countdown of tracks on the public holiday but this year opted out of it in respect of the Aboriginal and []

The post Triple M Successfully Corners The Islam Is Not A Race Market With Ozzest 100 Countdown appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Boeing unveil mystery plane with adequate legroom NewsBiscuit

Boeing are set to reveal a revolutionary new plane, that has adequate space inside for adults.

Aerospace engineer Chuck Colt Jr, 45, explained how the space required around each seat has for the first time been modelled on a grown-up human, rather than a stunted chimp.  When the Wright brothers first flew their revolutionary plane, they complained afterwards of leg cramps and a dry mouth, said Colt.  But we now realise they only built it to amuse a pet monkey they owned. It had tiny legs and a habit of dribbling, and thats not necessarily todays target audience.

The new plane will now have an area in front of each seat, which is specifically designed to accommodate legs.  In addition, the windows have been moved up to eye level, after ergonomists pointed out that people dont see out of their navels.  Further radical design changes were made to the aircrafts electronics.  For instance, the flight attendant call buttons above each seat are now actually connected to something.

Colt also revealed that first class has been modified, so that the seats are now placed throughout the fuselage.  This allows wealthy passengers to show off to the poor people next to them, and perhaps even let them have a sniff of their lobster.  With adequate ventilation and even the facility to provide condiments with meals, the new plane will greatly reduce flight fatigue and increase customer satisfaction.  Ryanair are not expected to place any orders.


Man Who Once Sub Fielded For 1st Grade Tells Colleagues He Plays First Grade The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet Reporter | Contact There are certain types of people in this world. Types who resent making chat with colleagues. Types who go out of there way to make friends, and ask their fellow man about their lives, their family and their hobbies. And of course, the type of people who do []

The post Man Who Once Sub Fielded For 1st Grade Tells Colleagues He Plays First Grade appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Wow: This Girl Just Referred To A Boyfriend Of 3 Months As Her Best Friend As Well The Betoota Advocate

Sophie Sinkinson was left bemused today after reading on Facebook that her friend Sally has a new best friend. The pair had gone to school together before Sophie moved away to Melbourne to study earlier this year, and Sally went to Brisbane. Although they had not caught up this year as the first year of []

The post Wow: This Girl Just Referred To A Boyfriend Of 3 Months As Her Best Friend As Well appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Flinders Street Station To Be Replaced By Starbucks Flagship Store The Shovel

flinders street starbucks

Melbournes Flinders Street Station will be demolished to make way for an exciting new Starbucks concept store, the Andrews Government announced today.

Premier Andrews said the store would be the coffee chains global flagship and would be a unique public space for people to meet, create, collaborate and buy American coffee.

Its a wonderful opportunity to bolster the creative offerings of Melbourne as well as Starbuckss bottom line, he said.

Victorian Tourism Minister John Eren said the store would attract billions of tourists and create 19 new jobs. It will breathe new life into Melbournes CBD, he said.

Mr Andrews conceded that losing the citys major train station would be an inconvenience for some, but said it was important for global cities to evolve. Getting home by train after a day at work is lovely, but have you tried a Starbucks iced mocha choc latte?

He said despite initial reservations from some people, Melburnians would grow to love their new landmark. Every city has train stations. But no other city in the world has an American chain coffee shop. Itll become a drawcard for sure.


Be more patriotic about cheese, says Michael Gove The Poke

Everything is normal, nothing to see here.

So says the headline on the BBC website after claims that that cheese prices could go up 40% post-Brexit.

Over to BBC News.

The environment secretary said that would not happen if consumers started buying more British cheddar.

I am deeply concerned about your unpatriotic attitude towards cheese, he joked to the Labour MP quizzing him.

He said his department was very pro UK cheddar and Britains dairy farmers would respond to what the market wants.

His attempts to show off his knowledge of cheddar, by naming varieties such as Montgomery or Lincolnshire Poacher, were cut short by environment committee chairman Neil Parish.

Thank goodness for that.

The post Be more patriotic about cheese, says Michael Gove appeared first on The Poke.


Tory MPs positive Conservative vision of the future is the weirdest thing youll see this week The Poke

The self-styled home of Conservatism ConservativeHome has made its case for a positive Conservative vision of the future and it is both hilarious and terrifying, neither of which was presumably the intended reaction.

Is there a third way, by any chance?

Heres what people made of it online.






Trump Blames Liberal Media for Inciting Riot Fest The Hard Times

WASHINGTON President Donald Trump lashed out today during an early morning Tweet storm, panning left-leaning media outlets across the country over their positive coverage of Riot Fest.

It is so very hard to run this country when FAKE NEWS websites want people to go to Riot Fest. No class. Also, I could get better lineup in 5 minutes, said the President. Where is our RESPECT POLICE festival or CALLING IT RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR festival?? Unfair liberal bias!

President Trump also blasted festival organizers for holding the event in Chicago.

Chicago, great city, beautiful city. I have met everyone there and crime rates are WAY down since I took office, read the tweet. But nobody will attend in that city. Should have held event at Mar-a-Lago. No better place for events. #TrumpResorts.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the Presidents position on the annual festival.

I think the President is right to criticize the medias role in inciting this Riot Festival, she said. Its completely unfair that most coverage gives information about when, where, and how to attend the event, but no information about how to, for instance, attend one of the Presidents rallies which have, historically, drawn bigger crowds.

While festival organizers rarely speak out about politics, conservative think tanks have been building a case against the event for years.


Weve done the research. Riot Fest is absolutely a threat to the American way of life, said Montgomery White, a consultant at DCs Homeland Institute. It has brainwashed our youth by enticing them with radical political praxis, anti-establishment philosophies, and R...


Lord Buckethead has made a Christmas song and its out of this world The Poke

Intergalactic space peer Lord Buckethead has made a Christmas song and its (forgive us) out of this world.

Its called A Bucketful of Christmas and you can watch (and listen) to the whole thing here.

Lord Bucketheads manifesto was one of the highlights of the 2017 election. Well, at least until the exit poll.

A reminder.

MY 2017 MANIFESTO: Strong, not entirely stable, leadership

1. The abolition of the Lords (except me).

2. Full facial coverings to be kept legal, especially bucket-related headgear.

3. No third runway to be built at Heathrow: where were going we dont need runways.

4. Ceefax to be brought back immediately, with The Oracle and other Teletext services to be rolled out by the next Parliament.

5. Regeneration of Nicholsons Shopping Centre, Maidenhead.

6. Buckethead on Brexit: a referendum should be held about whether there should be a second referendum.

7. Nuclear weapons: A firm public commitment to build the 100bn renewal of the Trident weapons system, followed by an equally firm private commitment not to build it. Theyre secret submarines, no one will ever know. Its a win win.

8. Nationalisation of Adele: in order to maximise the efficient use of UK resources, the time is right for great British assets to be brought into public ownership for the common good. This is to be achieved through capital spending.

9. A moratorium until 2022 on whether Birmingham should be converted into a star base.

10. Legalisation of the hunting of fox-hunters.

11. New voting age limit of 16 to be introduced. New voting age limit of 80 to be introduced too.

12. Katie Hopkins to...


Theres something about this dog that is making people fall in love with it The Poke

Youve spotted it already, right?


And again.



Brexit means Brexit but homeless doesnt actually mean homeless, Theresa May tells MPs The Poke

Some people were shocked today by Theresa Mays response to a question today about homeless children. Heres what she said.

And here is how people reacted online.






People whod had enough of experts seemingly surprised at being taken for mugs NewsBiscuit

A group of people who have spent the last 2 years ignoring, and encouraging other people to ignore, the findings of experts, have expressed surprise at being exploited by the very people who encouraged them to keep themselves ill-informed, it has emerged.

We flat-out refused, on patriotic grounds, to critically analyse the meaningless buzz-words of people in positions of trust. And, now, were staggered to find, they think they can abuse our navity and pull the wool over our eyes, said one mug, were being taken for stout, cylindrical ceramic vessels, full to the brim with tea!



Daily Mail correction of the week The Poke

The Daily Mail has made a couple of not insubstantial corrections to this front page story, but would you believe it they didnt find the same amount of space to make them.

Heres the correction summarised by @AdamWagner1 on Twitter.

And here it is in the paper just in case you missed it.



9-Volt Battery Found Dead in Wah-Wah Pedal The Hard Times

TACOMA, Wash A 9-volt battery was found dead inside a wah-wah pedal last night shortly after noise-rock band Necro Echo entered their rehearsal space, multiple stunned sources confirmed.

Toby Coleman, guitarist and owner of the wah-wah pedal, made the gruesome discovery while performing a routine equipment check.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first. We got to the space and cracked some jokes like normal, but when I plugged in my gear, something seemed off, recalled Coleman, holding a cup of coffee in his shaking hands. I tried firing up the wah, and when it wasnt responsive, I started to panic. I popped it open and found the battery just lying there, cold and lifeless.

The deceased battery, an off-brand Dura-gizer 9-volt alkaline, was visibly damaged and beyond resuscitation, according to bassist Jeffrey Lund.

It was totally gunked up with, like, corrosion and shit. Toby tried to scrape off a bunch of crap, just to separate it from the wire thingy, to see if maybe that would help, Lund said. When you see something like this, you just hope it wasnt an act of malice that maybe it was an accident. Toby did spill a beer on the pedal last week. Maybe thats why it shit the bed.


Witnesses confirmed Coleman checked for any signs of life left in the battery, pressing it to his tongue before pronouncing it dead as fuck.

However, not all band members were distraught at the batterys passing.

Im glad its gone. That battery just enabled Toby to try to use his wah-wah in every fucking song, said one band member, speaking on the condition of anonymity. This is Necro Echo, not fucking Van Halen or whatever band Joe Satriani is in.

The battery, the last remaining of 12 identical twins, left no survivors and no will.

At press time, the band resumed their rehearsal after pulling a working 9-volt battery from the only functioning smoke detector in the 120-unit practice space.

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Someones done the Band Aid lyrics as a dialogue The Poke

Heres a song you may have heard once or twice at this time of year.

And the all-important contrary view.


We cant even think about the other version. Or have we got these the wrong way round?


The post Someones done the Band Aid lyrics as a dialogue appeared first on The Poke.


From Failure to Pussy Slayer: The Charles Schulz Story The Hard Times

Today we all know Charles Schulz as the creator of the Peanuts comic strip, a man who single-handedly touched the hearts of generations of fans, and the undisputed all time king of getting his dick wet. But Schulz was far from an overnight success. This holiday season were looking back on Schulz with a timeline, chronicling his journey from lovable screw up to all-time fuck champion:

1922 Charles Schulz is born and given the nickname Sparky, mortally wounding his pussy pounding prospects for years to come.

1940 Schulz submits cartoons to the high school yearbook. They are rejected. Operation highschool fuck fest is officially declared a no go.

1941 Schulz submits his work to a number of publications and studios, including Disney, and is turned down by every single one. His lifelong dream of crushing that puss on the reg takes a devastating blow.

1942 Schulz is drafted into WWII, later stating, The Army taught me all I needed to know about loneliness. Sources close to Schulz later confirmed that the Army taught him virtually nothing about gettin some strange.

1947 Schulz publishes his first panel comic Just Keep Laughing. It is canceled the same year, drying up all the pussy in his path.

1949 Schulz begins dating Donna Mae Johnson, who would reject his marriage proposal and marry another man the following year. Schulz would immortalize her as the unrequited love interest of Charlie Brown. He would go on to find solace in an avalanche of poon tang.

1950- Due to a conflict with a pre-existing comic (Tack Knights Little Folks) Schulz was forced by the syndicate to rename his strip Peanuts, a name he openly resented even decades later, claiming the title was, just not as much of a leg spreader as I was looking for at the time.

1950 cont. Peanuts debuts in seven newspapers. United Feature Syndicate pays Schulz $90 for his first month of strips, which only amounted to some pussy once adjusted for inflation.

1955 Schulz gets his first official corporate sponsor when Kodak uses his characters in a camera manual. Drawn to his sweet-ass new Kodak money, top shelf pussy starts falling right into his lap everywhere he goes.

1958 Peanuts is blowing up. Schulz strip is published in 355 U.S. papers and 40 more worldwide. Plastic Snoopy toys start flying off the shelf. The phrase beating the pussy off with a stick is coined when Schulz is literally forced to do this one evening attempting to get from the airport to his car.

1960 Hallmark starts producing Peanuts greeting cards. Schulz survives a near death experience where he almost drowned in pussy and discovers cocaine.

1965: Peanuts featured on the cover of TIME magazine. A Charlie Brown Christmas premieres. Schulzs now mythic sexual escapades inspire a...


We Strapped a GoPro On A Bee to See Why Bees Are Dying And Boy Did We Find Out Quick The Hard Times

Bees: Theyre one of the most important components of our delicate ecosystem. Bees naturally pollinate the crops that human beings depend on for food, a job they do thanklessly. In the wake of global climate change bees have been dying off en masse and it is hard to pinpoint the culprit. Some people have proposed that cell phone radio waves are making it more difficult for bees to do their job, others say the warming of the planet is creating an environment that is toxic to bees. We decided to figure out the problem firsthand. We put a GoPro on a bee and did a little investigative journalism.

The findings? GoPros are killing bees.

The proportions and dimensions of a bee make flight nearly impossible for the little critters. Now throw in a six ounce portable camera and that bee better forget about comin home to his little buzzing wife and kids. GoPros are easily the most destructive force in a bees life I mean, theyre REALLY just mashin up those bees! You gotta look at this footage! Forget global warming, people need to stop hitting bees with cameras!

With the GoPro nature has constructed a near perfect bee killing machine.

We thought, as scientists often do, maybe this was a fluke. Maybe we miscalculated a variable or forgot to carry a one somewhere. So we bought another dozen GoPros. Let me tell you, oh man, these cameras HATE bees. Im talkin no survivors, game over man, Mortal Kombat fatality.


Related: We Asked Experts: Will My Children Be Able to Barter My Record Collection for Fresh Water After the Environmental Apocalypse?


It was like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire but for bees. You remember that scene in Indiana Jones where he escapes from the boulder? Now imagine that he didnt escape from the boulder and also his entire hive was destroyed by the boulder and then I had to make a note every single time that happened and it happened 12 times in a row.

We must have spent the entire afternoon just squishing bees with cameras. I had to buy a book on how to cope with all this bee viscera on my hands. Clearly there is some kind of bad blood between cameras and bees. Maybe the bee stole the cameras girlfriend, or something. I dont know. I dont think Ill ever know again. I cant get the sounds of their little screams out of my head. I Im just so tired. Tired from all those bees I had to kill. For science.

Anyway, be sure to read my next article, where I attempt to answer once and for all why dogs do not like the taste of chocolate.

Article by KC Phillips @Chairman_Booty


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Wednesday, 20 December


This man is taking Brexit far too literally The Poke

Heres what happened, according to the report in Metro.

A man climbed into a really big hole in his garden and refused to get out. Firefighters were called after the unnamed person launched the bizarre stunt at his home in Catherine Way, Batheaston, which is two miles east of Bath.

And heres what a neighbour told the Bath Chronicle.

It started at about 4am this morning when there was a lot of shouting and screaming coming from the house opposite me. The young mans family was outside trying to get him back in the house. They called the specialist in and they put together a kind of crane over the hole and then tried to go down and get him.

Mr Davis, is that you? David?


The post This man is taking Brexit far too literally appeared first on The Poke.


Familys Christmas lights crash the National Grid NewsBiscuit

A couple from Hounslow have been ordered to switch off their elaborate external Christmas decorations or else face prosecution.  This includes their illuminated tableau featuring well known seasonal figures; such as Homer Simpson, a Wookie, John Wayne, several Lord of the Rings characters, a pink Cadillac and a ten-foot Wayne Rooney as Santa.

The Electricity Board said wed have to switch off.  They told us that whenever our lights went on Slough was being plunged into total darkness.   Apparently aircraft landing at Heathrow had been complaining that the glow in the sky from our lights was putting pilots off.  Bunch of miserable gits dont they know its Christmas?



Our 7 favourite responses to Matt #Damonsplaining The Poke

Matt Damon faced a backlash over this comments about sexual assault and decided to skip his latest movie premiere as a result. Maybe he was too busy removing his foot from his mouth.

Here are our favourite 7 responses online to #Damonsplaining.






PUBG Voice Chat Wins Oscar for Realistic, Powerful Portrayal of Mental Illness The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES In a stunning first, the voice communication feature of PlayerUnknowns Battlegrounds has taken home the Best Documentary Academy Award for its standout depiction of a wide range of mental illnesses.

Its truly an honor, said lead developer Brendan PlayerUnknown Greene. When we started building this thing we were trying to revolutionize the world of multiplayer shooters. But we also wanted to create an in-depth portrayal of those suffering from the kind of diseases that cannot be seen. The folks in desperate need of mental health treatment who tragically arent getting it.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Since the games March launch, PUBGs voice chat has captured the hearts and minds of critics with its varied collection of screaming, slurring, and other brutally realistic examples of general psychosis.

Sources say that PUBG creators BlueHole Studios hired several mental health consultants when developing the voices for the in-game chat. The outside psychiatrists helped ensure that the depictions of the violently mentally ill would be fair, adding to the game and raising awareness rather t...


People have been busy improving Kate and Williams Christmas card The Poke

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridges Christmas card is a distinctly non-Christmassy affair this year.

No red and gold, no Rudolph, not even the merest hint of a bit of tinsel.

Fortunately people have been dicking around with it to make it better. And boy did they make it better.

And here they are.






God releases Crab 2.0 featuring forward motion NewsBiscuit

considering an updated dodo nextAt an open-air press conference held at the summit of Mount Sinai today, God, creator of all things, revealed the long-awaited upgrade of the crab.

God admitted that the DNA evolution software He had fitted to all living creatures at the beginning of creation had proved to be rather unreliable, so He had been forced to abandon other projects and stepped in to improve the design attributes of several creatures. But He refused to apologise for the delay in upgrading the crab.

As well as rolling out the new crab, God took the opportunity to launch improvements to several other products with a much welcomed fourth toe for the three-toed sloth, a more varied diet for the anteater and a software patch for the canine which improves its reproductive functions by stopping it shagging peoples legs. There were gasps from the assembled throng when He announced the breakdancing horse which He described as perhaps the ultimate in equine development.

God closed His address by warning that He would continue to be ruthless in protecting his design rights. There are rumours that Serpent Enterprises are about to launch a Zebra in white with black stripes. This is no more than a minor cosmetic alteration from my original black with white stripes patent, so if they go ahead with this product they should be warned that theyre heading for a good smiting.

The Gong of Fur (hat-tip to ianslat)


Note from guys who left restaurant without paying restores peoples faith in humanity The Poke

This tale has gone some way to restoring peoples faith in humanity after a bunch of guys skipped a restaurant without paying, leaving the owner thinking theyd done a runner.

Except it turned out they hadnt when this turned up in the post.

Along with this.

Heres what they said.

We exited Kilimandjaros to embark on a search for an ATM machine.

On our search, it was apparent that the last train to our hometown was shortly about to depart.

This diverted our attention away from finding an A.T.M machine and led to us running to the train station and just making our train.

It was at this point, being too late, we realised our actions and decided to write this letter of apology with 40 enclosed in this envelope.

It is with our deepest regret that not being from Middlesborough we are not able to come to Kilimandjaros in person to apologise. Additionally, we will be giving a positive five-star review of your establishment on Tripadvisor.

The owners of the restaurant, the Kilimandjaro in Middlesbrough, wrote about it on their Facebook page and theyd like to get in touch to thank the lads in person.

The biggest miracle might be that they put cash in the envelope and it didnt get nicked.


The post Note from guys who left restaurant without paying restores peoples fai...


Finally the pandas get it on and then this happens The Poke

Coitus interrupted.

Look closely and I think you can see the earth move just a tiny bit.


The post Finally the pandas get it on and then this happens appeared first on The Poke.


Someone faceswapped Keanu Reeves with Adam Driver and now everyones confused The Poke

Ever noticed how much Adam Driver you know, from the Last Jedi looks like Keanu Reeves?

Well, you have now.

Turns out its Adam Driver on the right but people dont know what to think anymore.


Alan Sugars Piers Morgan takedown is blunt but very effective The Poke

Piers Morgan has written a column about feminism, the contents of which need not bother us too much beyond this.

It prompted a lively debate, not least with his Good Morning Britain colleague, Susanna Reid.

But again, thats now why were here.

Were here for this.

Blunt, but very effective.


Barack Obama losing it during his first White House Christmas address will make your day better The Poke

Two things about this. One, itll make you forget about Trump, if only for a bit. And two and not exactly the first person to say this but wow, the presidency really did age him didnt it?


The post Barack Obama losing it during his first White House Christmas address will make your day better appeared first on The Poke.


Beach Town Tourist Overwhelmed By Choices At Local Takeaway Shop The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Im looking at the works burger, he said. With chips and few calamari rings. And a potato scallop. Oh wait, I didnt see the beef and black bean roll. Vince Greenpoint of Betoota Grove, arrived in Mooloolaba earlier this week for nine days of switch off with his young family. []

The post Beach Town Tourist Overwhelmed By Choices At Local Takeaway Shop appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Townsville Girl Living In Sydney Asks Office If They Can Go Easy On The Air Con The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A seasoned North Queenslander living in Sydney is completely puzzled by her colleagues kneejerk response to a bit of plus thirty heat. As was reported by the Bureau Of Metereology this morning, Olympic Park was at 35.5 degrees, Penrith 35 degrees and the inner city, Richmond and Terrey Hills at 34 before 9 []

The post Townsville Girl Living In Sydney Asks Office If They Can Go Easy On The Air Con appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Tailender Plays Another Majestic Straight Drive Through Third And Fourth Slip The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet Reporter | Contact False confidence is a trait that can often be found in cricketers. Its far more prevalent in park cricketers than footballers, soccer players and pretty much any athletes other than boxers. The epitome of bravado and self-belief was displayed this weekend after local lower order Betootan batsman Pavel []

The post Tailender Plays Another Majestic Straight Drive Through Third And Fourth Slip appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Father-In-Law Emasculating Pulls BBQ Tongs From Local Mans Grip The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When his friends describe him, Graham Goodridge is often toted as being a no-frills man. They assured The Advocate that a sense of humor lay within the 66-year-old former British Marine, it just lays dormant most of the time. Thats something Mark Donoghue had to learn the hard way. He started courting Grahams []

The post Father-In-Law Emasculating Pulls BBQ Tongs From Local Mans Grip appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


NSW Places 8pm Lock-Out On Carol Choirs After Noise Complaints From Inner-City Residents The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The New South Wales state Government has announced new restrictions regarding the volume and  hours for night time Christmas carols, after roughly 345 noise complaints this week. This comes three years after the Liberal NSW Government declared war against night trade in 2014, Berejiklian says she is impressed with the results of the []

The post NSW Places 8pm Lock-Out On Carol Choirs After Noise Complaints From Inner-City Residents appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Mans Inability To Reverse With Trailer Providing Great Entertainment To Everybody At Boat Ramp The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Left hand down, mate, he yelled from the jetty. Yeah keep going. Nah go back up and straighten out, mate. Yeah, woo! Now come down slower. Nat Wilmott is trying to keep the peace down at the Betoota Sailing Club boat ramp but hes having a little bit []

The post Mans Inability To Reverse With Trailer Providing Great Entertainment To Everybody At Boat Ramp appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Washing only half your head with Head & Shoulders is just plain weird NewsBiscuit

Ms Penny Woods, who spent the 70s and 80s starring in ads for the famous anti-dandruff shampoo, is suing the manufacturers Procter and Gamble for leaving her with a schizoid scalp which she claims ruined her life and 50% of her noggin

Day after day for ten years, Id wash one half of my head in Head and Shoulders, and the other half in a well known dandruff shampoo.  In the end the right hand side was as clean and healthy as a babys skin, while the left looked like a patch of dog mange.  Its left me with a sense of divided identity.  I try to make the best of it I take all my selfies from the right, but its not enough.

Procter and Gamble have protested that fighting the case would mean revealing the ingredients of the notorious well known dandruff shampoo, which are a closely guarded industrial secret.  They will only reveal that the last surviving samples of it are in safe storage, along with their anthrax spores and hazardous waste.

Meanwhile, Ms Woods has formed a support group along with other TV ad casualties, including the woman whose whites always came out stained and the pizza-faced man who didnt use Clearasil.


Fuck It I Reckon That Can Wait Till After Christmas, Says Nations Suits The Betoota Advocate

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT In a move described by many as unnecessary and kind of irresponsible, the Australian Government has today formally acknowledge this week to be the first annual National Its Too Close To Christmas To Do Any Actual Work Week. In a press conference, the Government announced its plan to formally commemorate this momentous week, []

The post Fuck It I Reckon That Can Wait Till After Christmas, Says Nations Suits appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Stewart Lee on James Corden is what a lot of people need right now The Poke

The world appears to have reached peak James Corden with collective sigh greeting the news that he has a cameo in the upcoming movie, Oceans 8.

Thats along with his cameo in The Last Jedi, his five nights a week chatshow, all those adverts and his hilarious awards show appearances for which he later has to apologise.

So a little bit of Stewart Lee on James Corden might do everyone a lot of good right now.


James Corden joked about Harvey Weinstein and it didnt go down too we...


JK Rowling gets sent some very interesting Christmas presents The Poke

All sorts of questions. First of which is, However well intentioned, can you please never send me anything again?

Probably didnt take you too long to work it out (clue Rowlings not a very big fan).

And in the unlikely event youre still wondering.


JK Rowlings latest Trump takedown and her 7 best burns


The post JK Rowling gets sent some very interesting Christmas presents appeared first on...


Trump Judicial Nominee Petersen: "The District" Was a Great Movie : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington - Matthew Petersen, Donald Trump's nominee for a U.S. District Court Judicial appointment for the District of Columbia, was forced to withdraw his name from consideration after failing to answer basic questions about law from a congression...


Watch Esther Rantzens epic takedown of Piers Morgan on live TV The Poke

Esther Rantzen was on Good Morning Britain promoting a very worthwhile cause helping lonely people at Christmas, and then this happened.

Thats life, Piers.

Who would?


Piers Morgan back at work after having that irritating lump removed from his neck

The post Watch Esther Rantzens epic takedown of Piers Morgan on live TV appeared first on The Poke.


People have gone barking mad for this Dublin kennel nativity The Poke

Gold, Frankincense, and a big juicy bone.

People have been lapping it up, shared the thick end of 20,000 times on Twitter.

Steady on people, its Christmas (nearly).

Look at the little one!


Tuesday, 19 December


Candidate for US judicial position did not know who Charles Manson is! : Spoof News : Front Page

After searching high and low for candidates to slip into the US judicial world, naturally trimmed in the philosophy of the current US president, it seems that knowledge of the system requires only one thing; to say yes to Sir Donald! One candidate...

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