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Saturday, 16 September

00:15

Pizzas, parrot, and putting the kettle on London reacts to the Parsons Green bomb The Poke

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Friday, 15 September

23:42

This burn on a mans hand looks exactly like a dick The Poke

From the department of interesting burns comes this fascinating morsel of content: a burn that looks exactly like a penis.

My husband burned his hand and its shaped like a peen. from pics

Still bigger than mine. And less blistered, says frnkys.

Thank you internet, for today you have truly delivered.

Source: Reddit

The post This burn on a mans hand looks exactly like a dick appeared first on The Poke.

22:02

This woman claims her coffee machine sounds like The Hardest Button to Button by the White Stripes do you think shes correct? The Poke

Dr Hannah Fry is a lecturer in the Mathematics of Cities at the Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis at UCL and she reckons her coffee machine sounds like The Hardest Button to Button by the White Stripes.

Have a listen what do you think?

Now listen to the actual track. Do you think she has a point?

Source: Twitter/@FryRsquared

The post This woman claims her coffee machine sounds like The Hardest Button to Button by the White Stripes do you think shes correct? appeared first on The Poke.

21:49

Farewell, Liam action man Neeson The Poke

Liam Neesoms not doing action movies anymore. Heres how the world found out.

The post Farewell, Liam action man Neeson appeared first on The Poke.

21:30

San Andreas cleared of any wrong doing NewsBiscuit

A court in San Francisco has cleared San Andreas of any wrong doing saying the town should not be held responsible for the tectonic boundary that divides the Pacific and North American plates. For over 100 years geologists and seismologists have highlighted San Andreas as the epicentre of volatile rock formations that run from the Santa Cruz Mountains in the north, down to Monterey County in the south.

However, the court decided that it was wrong to blame San Andreas for geological defects in the area saying that any continental transform condition was a result of right-lateral strike-slip and should not be attributed to the town or its people.
In his summing up, the judge pointed out that any earthquake activity caused by slippage in the tectonic plates would affect San Andreas just as much as any other town in the region. Its time to stop blaming San Andreas for things that are quite clearly beyond their control said the judge. The rock formations are a geological freak of nature, created millions of years ago, long before San Andreas was even there. Surely its time to end this blame game.
San Andreas welcomed the findings saying the decision would bring some closure for the town.  Representatives of the Pacific and North American plates have released a joint statement saying they were now looking forward to moving on, at a rate of 37 millimetres per year.

21:02

Apple advertising in 1977, 1997 & 2017 The Poke

On that Twitter @joshuafry has made a great observation about the progression of Apple:

1977

1997

2017

If you want a picture of the future imagine a human face, paying forever. notes @Emareaf.

Source: Twitter/@joshuafry

The post Apple advertising in 1977, 1997 & 2017 appeared first on The Poke.

20:39

I Like Everything Except Rap, Country, and Poor People The Hard Times

Im a very open-minded person. As such, my tastes and preferences are pretty wide-ranging. On any given day I could find myself enjoying pop-punk, EDM, middle class people, upper middle class people, jazz fusion, etc

But frankly speaking, Im not a fan of rap, country, or poor people. Theres something Ive always found incredibly unappealing about those two music genres and that one class of people. Simply not for me.

You can argue until youre blue in the face that country and rap each have rich histories of artistic innovation, or that both feature a multitude of diverse subgenres, or you could go on and on about how millions of Americans are living below the poverty line through no fault of their own. But my mind is made up. I dont like em and I never will.

Now, you may be wondering, how did my distaste for rap, country, and the impoverished develop? In the past I had frequently said, I like everything except rap and country to describe my music taste. I never thought much of this glib phrase, and assumed that aside from my dislike, there wasnt any connection between these two disparate music genres.

Related: I Like Everything Except Country and Giving New Things a Fair Chance

Then I had a eureka moment Whats the common thread between country and rap?

Poor people!

Every time I said, everything but rap and country I was really saying, I hate the poor. And boy oh boy, do I hate them! I hate their dirty faces, I hate their empty, outturned pockets, and most of all, I hate their music. And I certainly dont want to be anything like those awful, wretched people.

Sure, Ive never actually given rap or country a chance, but why should I? That music isnt for me. Im not poor! And to be honest, Im absolutely terrified I may actually like one of the songs. Could you imagine what that would say about my socioeconomic status??

20:30

Metal Band Debating Who Will Be the One with Short Hair The Hard Times

CLEVELAND Tensions erupted earlier this week when local metal band Six Inch Fetus struggled to determine who would be the one member required to have short hair, according to sources close to the group.

The trio allegedly almost came to blows during the beer-fueled argument about the necessity for one well-groomed musician.

We really want to go to the next level and be taken seriously, said guitarist and singer Tommy Russo. Every truly successful metal band has that one dude with a proper high fade or messy fringe. Unfortunately, no one is willing to step forward and actually make the sacrifice. Right now, we just look like a bunch of hairy jamokes.

All members of the outfit have at least shoulder-length hair, with drummer Michael Turner in the lead with an impressive 38-inch mane. Ive been growing this shit since eighth grade, Turner said. If I didnt cut it to save my marriage, Im not cutting it for these guys.

A consensus was thought to be found when the other members noted Russo already shows signs of male pattern baldness.

We tried to talk him into shaving his head completely, like Rob Halford or Jens Kidman, said bassist Colin Broome. But he said he has a weird-shaped skull, so were back to square one.

Related:

While metalheads often cite Metallica as a Samson-esque group that lost power after cutting their hair, at least one expert believes that is not true.

Most would agree Bruce Dickinson has still got the goods, said metal historian Donald P. Benson, PhD. And on the other hand, Dave Mustaine still has long hair, and hes the biggest douchebag there is, historically speaking. John Baizley, Brann Dailor, most of the dudes from The Dillinger Escape Plan, just to name a few all have short hair. Fact is, weve entered an era where long hair doesnt necessarily legitimize a metal band.

A source close to the band reported that Six Inch Fetus has tabled the hair discussion, and is now considering having a member who always wears a unique hat.

Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a new shirt from our store:

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20:30

Teens Caught Dry Humping in Jurassic Park Arcade Machine Invisible to Mom as Long as They Dont Move The Hard Times

SEATTLE Two sexually adventurous teenagers were reportedly trapped in the Jurassic Park arcade machine theyd been fooling around in today, fearing any movements would alert a nearby family members to their presence, according to sources at the scene.

Freshman sweethearts Braedon Sandoval and Michaela Brown were at a birthday party being held for Browns younger brother at Round Table Pizza when they snuck away from the festivities for an intimate encounter in the driving titles SUV inspired cabinet.

We were going at it when suddenly I noticed ripples in the cup of Fanta Id set on the dashboard, said Brown when pressed for comment after the incident. I recognized the footsteps; that was my mother. I was terrified. I wanted to run out of there, but Braedon held me tight and said She cant see us if we dont move.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Onlookers stated that Tasha Brown circled the game, sniffing the air around it while the two dry humpers remained safely hidden, curled up on the floor of the machine. At one point she tried clawing the cabinet, but her arms did not quite reach the two frightened, horny teenagers.

Eventually she wandered away, her heavy footsteps serving as a constant reminder that she is out there somewhere.

We knew if we waited long enough Michaelas mom would go back for some garlic bread or another Diet Coke, said Sandoval. We were so preoccupied with whether we could dry hump in the Jurassic Park machine, we never stopped to think if we should.

An hour after their disappearance, Mrs. Brown had given up the search. Clever girl, she said of her dry humping daughter, I knew she would be a handful ever since she was conceived in that Daytona 500 machine.

Article by Wade Keye @WadeKeye

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on...

19:40

This sort we couldnt read your electricity meter note gets very scary very quick The Poke

From Australia, this note is quite something:

But its the next photo that really delivers.

Nuke the whole colony from orbit. Its the only way to be sure as someone on Facebook says.

Source: facebook

The post This sort we couldnt read your electricity meter note gets very scary very quick appeared first on The Poke.

19:30

Starbucks customer reconsiders order in desperate bid to impress barista NewsBiscuit

his cup almost ranneth overJim Nelson, an office worker in Farringdon, decided against placing his usual Starbucks order of creamy Mocha Hazelnut Frappuccino plus a giant Smarties cookie as part of a desperate attempt to impress the coffee shops new 23-year-old employee whom he described as the heart-stopping girl of my dreams.

Entranced by her deep brown eyes and glacial beauty as she disdainfully called out requests for Apple Chai infusions with whipped cream, Nelson considered that his chances for developing a lasting relationship with the woman hung on this first order.

My immediate thought was to play safe with a Latte, explained the 27-year-old single man, but faint heart and all that So I figured a Grande Cappuccino would look a bit more hip and retro.

However the Cappuccino decision was overturned by his brain as he admired her lustrous dark hair and pondered whether she may actually have Italian heritage. I was trying to remember the rule they have in Italy is it no cappuccino before lunch, or after lunch? he explained. It was a coffee etiquette minefield.

Finally, inspiration struck as Nelson settled on a sophisticated but still masculine single espresso to be accompanied by almond biscotti. Carrot cake had been ruled out as potentially effeminate and he was unsure that in the time allotted for his beverage transaction he could effectively get across the idea that he was having the double chocolate cake because he was really hungry after one of his regular gym workouts.

Finally reaching the front of the line, Nelson was pleased that he managed to complete his order successfully improvising at the last minute to demonstrate his caring nature by ensuring the coffee was Fair Trade before paying for his drink with a 20 note rather than the pile of 20ps hed been intending to use.

The euphoric feelings engendered by the warm smile he received from the attractive Starbucks employee were only slightly marred by his blurting out I love you! as she asked for his name for the cup, and directed him towards the milk and sugar.

Re Pete

18:54

This woman looks like Laura Dern and she has a whole Instagram account dedicated to demonstrating it The Poke

I Look Like Laura Dern is an Instagram account run by stand up comedian Maria Wojciechowskiand as she says, people tell me I look like the actress Laura Dern.

She does you know. And heres 9 of her best:

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17:47

CHILLING: What would happen if Betoota was nuked by North Korea? The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Based upon North Koreas most recent nuclear test, a bomb of the same yield would all but destroy our bustling inland metropolis according to a popular website. NUKEMAP is an interactive map using Google Maps and unclassified nuclear weapons effects data to project what might happen to a location should it be attacked with nuclear weapons. []

The post CHILLING: What would happen if Betoota was nuked by North Korea? appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:46

Two headlines from todays news that prove that we live in Chris Morriss world The Poke

Firstly this from The Times:

And then this from The Mirror:

Anyway. Stay careful kids, pedophiles can disguise themselves as anything:

And now watch this clip from the Brass Eye pedophile special on how pedophiles attack kids through the internet

The post Two headlines from todays news that prove that we live in Chris Morriss world appeared first on The Poke.

17:30

Emotionally Battered Wife Of Abbott Supporter Liberates Self By Secretly Voting YES The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Clare Simpkins-Mattingly used to burn bras at University. She used to march against Australias involvement in Vietnam, she she used to dream about travelling Africa to help the kids but her staunch military father insisted she settle down and find herself a good rugby player with a future in small retailing businesses. []

The post Emotionally Battered Wife Of Abbott Supporter Liberates Self By Secretly Voting YES appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:07

If female writers wrote characters of the opposite sex like male writers do The Poke

Chekovs Gun should apply when discussing the female form. So unless she can fire bullets from her boobs, leave them out of the story. says @Mehworth.

If youre unfamiliar with the point @Savethemayotee is making then this should enlighten.

Source: Twitter/@SaveTheMayotee

The post If female writers wrote characters of the opposite sex like male writers do appeared first on The Poke.

16:21

Kim Jong-un reportedly furious after yet another missile fails to hit Japan The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has shot another swathe of high-ranking party officials today after yet another intercontinental ballistic missile failed to hit its target. Peter Desmond, from a shadowy government department that doesnt officially exist, told The Advocate that up to seven senior members of the Workers Party []

The post Kim Jong-un reportedly furious after yet another missile fails to hit Japan appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:49

Baby Boomer Whos Lied On 40 Years Of Tax Returns Says Hes Sick Of Funding The ABC The Betoota Advocate

WENDEL HUSSEY | Editor | CONTACT A local man who files fraudulent tax returns every year has thrown his support behind Pauline Hanson and her proposed ABC reforms. The 63-year-old credit analyst from a reasonably small financial institution in Sydneys Northern Beaches has told the Advocate today that he is bloody fed up with his hard earned taxpayer dollars []

The post Baby Boomer Whos Lied On 40 Years Of Tax Returns Says Hes Sick Of Funding The ABC appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:05

Arvo Pub Session Fires Up As Two Best Banter-Slinging Mates Turn On Each Other The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT What was always going to be a rather heavy session has now been cranked up a few more notches than initially expected, it has been confirmed. As a group of local pisspots hit the pub this windy Friday afternoon, a solid turn out from the first suggested kick-off was a good sign in []

The post Arvo Pub Session Fires Up As Two Best Banter-Slinging Mates Turn On Each Other appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:15

Local 35-year-old wondering why Triple J doesnt appeal to him anymore The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A socially-progressive yet musically regressive local alpaca breeder has been left wondering why each time he tunes into Triple J, he doesnt like what he hears. Now in his 35th year on this god-forsaken rock affectionately known as Earth, Peter Monkton told The Advocate that the national youth broadcaster []

The post Local 35-year-old wondering why Triple J doesnt appeal to him anymore appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:09

Melbourne Art Student Smoking Rollies Outside The Louvre Says Italian Renaissance Is Overrated The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Melbourne Art Student currently loitering out front of the the worlds largest art museum and historic monument in Paris, says everything inside is just so lame compared to Fitzroys contemporary artistic video scene. Charlotte Parkinson-Singleton (21) says after observing approximately 38,000 objects from prehistory to the 21st century exhibited over the 72,735 square metre Louvre Museum, she cant []

The post Melbourne Art Student Smoking Rollies Outside The Louvre Says Italian Renaissance Is Overrated appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Crystal Palace and the White House announce jobshare arrangement NewsBiscuit

In recognition of their common philosophy of taking a punt on people with little relevant experience and immediately dumping them when they turn out to be a disaster, Crystal Palace Football Club and the White House today announced that the roles of manager of the former and press secretary of the latter will be shared across the two organisations.

The new arrangement will see former White House communications director Sean Spicer managing the football club for their home game against Southampton on Saturday. He admitted that he had no idea of the rules of  soccer, or even how many players hes allowed to put on the field, but said it didnt matter as his plan was to denounce any reporting of the match or result as fake news. In the weekend match, announced Spicer, the opposition could expect fire and fury, and walls for free-kicks would involve a 2000 long mile concrete structure, rather than the traditional 4 defenders protecting their testicles with their hands.

Recent manager Alan Pardew, meanwhile, will be the first from Crystal Palace to take to the podium in the White House to try and undo the damage caused by whatever tweets the President sent during that days 5am bowel movement. Washington insiders say his dad dancing skills will come in extremely useful in deflecting attention from the indefensible.

Anthony Scaramucci said that he was very much looking forward to managing Palace after Spicers inevitable sacking in a couple of weeks time, and was already making preparations for it. Reports have been heard that he and the boys visited West Hams manager Slaven Bilic and told him This is a real nice former Olympic stadium ya got here be an awful shame if anything were to happen to it

YaBasta

08:58

NRL Referee Fined $10,000 For Post Match Spray Criticising Every Mistake Made By Players

A rugby league referee has copped the maximum $10,000 fine after an angry outburst bagging every error made by the players during a semi finals match he officiated last weekend.

Im doing my best out there trying to ensure every player gets a fair go and they reward me with butterfingered knock ons, softcock attempted tackles and play the balls that a drunken crab could have done more elegantly, said fuming whistleblower Greg Brylcreem as he faced the press following last Sundays sudden death playoff between Glebe-Annandale and the Newtown Bluebags. Heres a list of dimbulb wankers who turned the play back infield when they had three guys unmarked on the outside and thickhead halfbacks who couldnt find grass in Nimbin with their kicking game.

Greg crossed the line with his comments which were unfair and hurtful to the players who are simply trying to do their best out there and dont have the benefit of having two touchies and a bunker full of high resolution camera equipment to help them play the game, said NRL boss Kerryn Longenough. Sure, Newtown winger Manfred Garbo was so offside that he was actually behind the dead ball line having a chat with one of his mates in the crowd when that ball was kicked through for what should have been the winning try, but there was no need for Greg to call him a hopeless no good bum who couldnt get a game with the Cootamundra reserves during harvest time.

This is the second major fine Brylcreem, following on from an incident where he threatened to...

08:04

Israel Folau Says Two Men Should Only Be Engaged And Bound By Squirrel Grip The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian tri-code footballing star Israel Folau has this week come out in opposition to gay marriage, stating that he believes the only appropriate form of binding between two men is when they put their hand under each others crotch from behind and grab the baggy bit of Canterbury footy shorts in front of []

The post Israel Folau Says Two Men Should Only Be Engaged And Bound By Squirrel Grip appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:17

That thing when you mistake poster paint for face paint The Poke

Oh dear.

Not sure how that court actions going to go, though. Time for a close-up view.

Heres the offending item.

And the result.

Turns out theres washable, and then theres washable.

06:37

Weakest Link clip goes viral because its the best Anne Robinson takedown youll see The Poke

This is spectacular (you really do have to watch to the end).

Cant believe she didnt just yell cut and start all over again.

Source

The post Weakest Link clip goes viral because its the best Anne Robinson takedown youll see appeared first on The Poke.

05:30

Clerical Error Leads To Man Named Harvey Receiving All $15B Of Hurricane Relief Bill Daily Discord

South Houston, TXAll of the latest federal relief funds designed to get Houston back on its feet arrived in check form to the RV park address of one Harvey Ford of South Houston. The Trump Administration is downplaying the mistake and delegated blame to an under-under-secretary, currently under some Congressman. Upon receiving the check, Mr. Ford

04:39

Honey I shrunk the Johnson! The Poke

Ah, the joy of a weird camera angle.

Source

The post Honey I shrunk the Johnson! appeared first on The Poke.

04:34

The definitive guide to how to say no (without saying no) The Poke

When @SoVeryBritish tweeted this handy guide to how to say no (without saying no), it turned out it was only the beginning.

Heres just a few of the hundreds of replies it generated. Now you need never say no again!

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03:56

People have been coming up with Brexit Beatles Songs. Heres 15 of the best The Poke

Ringo Starrs support for Brexit prompted a whole bunch of people to come up with #brexitbeatlesongs on Twitter.

Heres whats on our jukebox.

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03:04

Beauty in the eye of the beholder, according to FUGLY scientists Stubhill News

Scientists from Florida University's Group for Learning, Y'all have determined the nature of beauty.

02:30

Cinemax to Air Softcore Punk Shows After Midnight The Hard Times

NEW YORK CITY Cinemax will begin airing softcore, heavily edited recordings of punk shows late at night for mature audiences in November, according to a press release from the famed cable network.

Cinepunx will feature the best softcore punk around, said head of programming Alexander Wallace. Weve partnered with bands like Joyce Manor, Title Fight, Bowling for Soup, and All Time Low to offer tasteful videos of their live performances for the aging punk music fan.

Test audiences, however, are not convinced. Focus groups feel the show has cut out the best parts of the live, underground music experience.

Theres no blood, or swearing, one participant said. Like, right before the frontman of Knuckle Puck dives into the crowd, they cut away. At one point, it looked like a fistfight mightve broken out in the pit, but the camera was so close up on the participants face, you cant really tell whats going on.

Cinemax believes consumers will appreciate their subtle approach to punk show footage.

Kids can find the hardcore stuff online nowadays anyway. If you want to see some grind band play a basement, thats fine, said Cinemax president Kary Antholis. We want to showcase mid-level bands playing clean venues a separate, 21+ section for the home, so people can see a show without having to worry about spilled beer, or leaving the house.

Related:

Cinemax developers are reportedly in early talks with Blink-182 to re-release their back catalogue through the channel as well. We are so excited about working with Cinemax, Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus confirmed. Reminds me of when wed pretend to be naked under pixelated boxes. Things are gonna get crazy. within reason.

However, in addition to the mixed reviews from test groups, parents across the country are also concerned by Cinemaxs new, alternative programming.

What if my children see people with dyed hair doing that half-scream/singing thing? said Susan DeGilio, founder of Mothers Against Punk Situations [MAPS]. I dont care how much they cut out. Its still filthy, vile punk rock. I lost my first son to punk music from just one Simple Plan song playing at a Hot...

00:31

New 5 + new 10 = David Jason The Poke

If you combine the newest UK banknotes you get David Jason. In a bonnet.

Vice versa equals John Travolta?

Edit: we agree, its Les Dawson.

The post New 5 + new 10 = David Jason appeared first on The Poke.

00:30

Celibate Strictly contestants to be allowed to dance alone NewsBiscuit

New BBC Guidelines have paved the way for solo dancers on Strictly. It means that celibate clergy, those for whom sexual intercourse would be illegal or painful because of their age as well as recovering sex addicts whod f*ck a pot plant given half the chance but have decided not to can enter themselves into the competition with a self-tango or single pasa doble. In addition, celibates can can instead of can-can. They will be banned from the cha cha cha for mathematical reasons.

Explaining the policy shift, BBC Head of Multiversity Perry Smythe said Its well known that the traditional ballroom dance is no more or less than a ritual metaphor for pre heterosexual behavior. But we mustnt exclude those for whom foxtrot-foreplay is a no no. Im not talking about the Gay Gordons, Lesbian Lauras and bisexual Berties or even the Polyamorous Pollies. Im talking about the celibate Cyrils, and solo Stephanies. To be true to their own sexuality they would either stand perfectly still to the Samba, masturbate the merengue or in some cases wank to the waltz. To take that last example, the time signature would be a real challenge, but would it make great TV? Our audition videos suggest not.

Meanwhile BBC 1s new Black British spicy chicken cooking competition has been put on the back burner until a more suitable title can be found.

00:12

Our 8 favourite terrible maps The Poke

These maps are very good at (mostly) telling you very little. Lovely stuff.

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Thursday, 14 September

21:43

Dont know why Peterborough has a Tourist Information Centre when weve got this slab The Poke

Its hash, but fair. Canterbury council please take note.

Although its not as welcoming as this guerrilla sign in Leeds by Final Frontier Artwork.

The post Dont know why Peterborough has a Tourist Information Centre when weve got this slab appeared first on The Poke.

21:30

Queen Decides to Go Full Lizard NewsBiscuit

Queen Elizabeth has announced that she will see out the rest of her reign in her long-suspected natural state of Giant Lizard. The Palace said over 60 years of playing the role of benign monarch to perfection had taken its toll and she now just wanted to be herself, and she hoped the British people would understand their beloved Sovereign was in fact a giant shape-shifting reptile. It has also been revealed that she wishes to here-after be known by her natural lizard name of Othrakien Drakut.

She will make her first public appearance as Giant Lizard at the opening of a new Community Centre in Bolton next Thursday. Dignitaries and the public have been warned not to be alarmed by Her Majesty if she slithers around on the ground or up the side of the building. At the special lunch reception the human guests will dine on smoked venison and a cheese selection while Her Majesty will devour a goat that will be tethered to a lamppost outside.

It is thought a huge new cottage industry will be created around the Queen as millions of souvenir mugs, dinner sets and tea towels will be produced featuring her new persona. It also means all UK paper currency and coins will need to be re-minted to the new Lizard issue.

Meanwhile the BBC has negotiated a deal with Her Majesty to allow David Attenborough unprecedented access to her new lizard life and will result in a feature-length documentary to be screened next year called Natural Born Lizard.

Daneade

21:14

This dogs having so much fun it doesnt need to go to the park The Poke

Source

The post This dogs having so much fun it doesnt need to go to the park appeared first on The Poke.

21:09

What are the chances of that happening? The Poke

Source

The post What are the chances of that happening? appeared first on The Poke.

21:03

Heres how the last 4 months of your year will pan out The Poke

Yep, thats pretty much it.

Source

The post Heres how the last 4 months of your year will pan out appeared first on The Poke.

20:54

5 American Traditional Tattoos You Can Say Represent Your Grandpa or Something The Hard Times

American traditional tattoos are as popular now as they ever have been. These dope pieces have seen a resurgence within the last couple of years and anybody whos anybody has at least one. The problem is, inevitably some idiot is going to ask you what your sick ink means to you. But fret not, because weve prepared a few go to answers to have at the ready when faced with this moronic question.

The military is a common theme within American traditional tattoos. This bulldog with a knife in his mouth is not only a classic symbol of the service but is also super adorable. Your Grandpa was in the army, or maybe that was just the reserves. Either way, you can tell people that your tattoo is in honor of the sacrifices he may or may not have made. They definitely wont think you just picked this one off a flash sheet.

This badass eagle chest piece is a classic. In traditional tattooing eagles have long been a symbol of America, which is perfect for you because you live in America. When people ask you what it means you could say it represents a love of your country. Or, depending on your audience, its an ironic nod to the blind patriotism of the American masses. Your call.

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20:49

Handy advice for anyone thinking about buying a new iPhone The Poke

Seriously. This guy has really thought it through.

But theres always one.

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20:30

Ted Leo Drops Pharmacists as Result of New Healthcare Bill The Hard Times

WAKEFIELD, R.I. Musician Ted Leo was forced to drop his backing band, the Pharmacists, for his new album The Hanged Man due to a new cost-cutting health care bill passed by Congress, according to close sources.

Its just been so difficult to record the new album, said Leo when pressed for comment. In the 90s and under Obamacare, I could afford to have all of the Pharmacists but with this new plan, the premiums prevent me from covering anyone beyond my drummer.

The Hanged Man, Leos first album without the Pharmacists since 1999, was funded entirely through Kickstarter a story shared by millions of Americans forced to crowdsource their rising health care costs.

I cant access my usual guitarist under this plan, and if I ever need to pick up a prescription, Im not even allowed to use CVS, Leo said. This bill is destroying blue collar musicians and workers all around the United States.

James Canty, Leos guitarist since the Treble in Trouble album in 2000, has reportedly had to take a second job at a local bookstore to cover his own costs as a result of the new legislation.

Related:

I know Ted isnt to blame, but losing the Pharmacists has been really tough, said Canty, tears welling in his eyes. I mean, shit I spent years earning a doctorate in pharmaceutics. I worked as a Pharmacist for nearly two decades. Was that a little overkill to play in a punk band named after pharmacists? Sure. But the point still stands that this GOP bill ruined that for me.

The bill has been roundly criticized by voters, particularly because members of Congress would be exempt from any cuts themselves.

Its fucked up that guys like Ted Leo have to lose their entire backing band, and Senator John McCain gets to keep all his benefits. Hes releasing a new album this fall called Johnny McCain and the Military Doctors that has six guitarists, noted one user in a viral Reddit post.

In order to further cut costs Leo is reportedly planning to use public transportation to complete his winter tour.

Take a trip over to our virtual merch table:

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20:30

South Park TV Show Skewers South Park Video Game for Being Liberal Pussies The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES The upcoming South Park role playing game called South Park: The Fractured but Whole, which introduces a difficulty mode that criticizes racial injustice, was ridiculed on an episode of the television show South Park for being a buncha left-wing nonsense, last night.

The episode features a scene where Eric Cartman calls the video game a cuck fantasy world before removing a South Park: The Fractured but Whole disc from its case, defecating where the disc is supposed to go, closing the case, and selling it to Butters.

I just think whoever made this video game is a total fucking hypocrite, even if that person is me, said South Park creator Trey Parker. Our TV show is about calling out all the stupid people who think theyre so clever. And to me, theres no bigger target for that than the person who wrote up this Fractured Whole game, which is myself

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Reviewers and longtime fans of the series called the episode confusing.

South Park is my absolute favorite show ever and they are never wrong, said Reddit user mrhanky6969. I think South Park is right when they say that literally everything is dumb, including other things made by South Park.  My favorite episode of the show is the one where they all play World...

19:32

Nintendo has revealed that Mario has nipples and the internet is losing its goddam mind The Poke

Nintendo of America have tweeted a picture that reveals Mario has nipples:

Zoom in shall we?

Who knew? Mario actually has nipples. This has lead to explosion of merriment on the internet and heres nine of the best comments:

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19:30

Lib-Dems to re-launch as Boy Band NewsBiscuit

Simon Hughes not included - couldn't find his voiceThe Lib-Dems will sensationally reposition its self today in Glasgow by re-launching itself as a Boy Band.

The Band will be known as All Directions in line with current party thinking and will feature lead singer Nik Klegg, accompanied by Dani Xander as The Funny one, Alan Beth as The Serious One, Norman Norm Baker is The androgynous one, and Andrew Stunnel will be The one who everybody questions how they got there and is only liked by the odd ball girl in form 5B, one. Lord Steel claims to be the member of the band who left to become successful in his own right while Charles Kennedy will take on the Pete Best mantle by being thrown out of the band before they were famous. MP Jo Swinson will become the bands one designated groupie.

In an interview with the NME Cable said, The Lib-Dems have lost the X Factor with the electorate, so by courting the adolescent soon-to-be voter, we are hoping they will be unaware of any past policies or principles when the next election rolls around. All Directions are expected to split in about six months time.

Scronnyglonkle

19:00

Amazon selling the 2016 sadness starter pack The Poke

Source: Twitter/@SarahRapp

The post Amazon selling the 2016 sadness starter pack appeared first on The Poke.

18:31

People are taking the piss out of two ex-Googlers who want to replace corner shops with vending machines The Poke

Heres something to keep your anger sharp this morning as reported by Fast Company:

Called Bodega, this startup installs unmanned pantry boxes in apartments, offices, dorms, and gyms. It promises convenience, but also represents competition for many mom-and-pop stores.

The anger as been swift, funny and brutal heres nine of the best:

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17:36

Former Thomas The Tank Engine narrator backs Brexit: the only four tweets you need to read The Poke

Just last night I was sat on the sofa thinking to myself, I wonder what Ringo Star thinks about Brexit? writes @M0gs over on Twitter.

Yes. Ringo has come out as pro-Brexit. Theres a short video on the BBC:

So how did Twitter react? With a small amount of despair and mockery:

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16:42

Young Couple Regret Buying First Home After Only Getting 100 Likes Between Them The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A hard-working local millennial couple has revealed the horror that dawn on the day after buying their first house when they only received 100 collective likes between them on their various social media posts. Proudly showing off their humble new three-bedroom South Betoota home, Dennis and Amanda Munro though []

The post Young Couple Regret Buying First Home After Only Getting 100 Likes Between Them appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:39

Gay Christians Fed Up With Having To Have Gay Sex Outside Of Gay Wedlock The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A couple of lavender-scented local blokes say that the Church should actually consider how many people are being forced to sin because they arent allowed to get married. The inner-Betoota bookshop owners say that they have tried their best to live a life in accordance with the Lords word, but eventually they got []

The post Gay Christians Fed Up With Having To Have Gay Sex Outside Of Gay Wedlock appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:05

Osher Escorted Off Set Of Bachelor After Literally Cutting The Tension With A Knife The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Uh OH! Matty has dumped Australias favourite #BACHELORAU contestant Tara, only to be met with a flood of angry tweets from people who are actually emotionally invested in which Gold Coast-based Instagram model this robot decides to spend the next 6 months with, This means theres two left. Elise and Laura. Whos it []

The post Osher Escorted Off Set Of Bachelor After Literally Cutting The Tension With A Knife appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:57

Tech Start-Up Office Feeling Immediately Threatened As Company Hires First Woman The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer (On The TV) | Contact Once touted as the next tech hub of South West Queensland, Betootacone Gully ultimately failed to attract a large tech company needed to boost the local economy. But one towns loss is another mans treasure. One start-up the district did lure in was Sunplantia, a company that helps outdoor []

The post Tech Start-Up Office Feeling Immediately Threatened As Company Hires First Woman appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:24

NRL To Replace Referees With Honesty System After Complaints From Sharks Coach The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NRL CEO Todd Greenberg has backed up his statement saying the game must grow up in relation to Cronulla coach Shane Flanagans criticism of match officials. Greenberg says despite the $30,000 fine dished out towards Flanagan for his immature comments, he does agree with the sentiment, and as of 2018, the competition will []

The post NRL To Replace Referees With Honesty System After Complaints From Sharks Coach appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:33

Younger Family Friend From Small Town Still Pursuing A Career In Aussie Hip Hop The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A younger family friend that you havent seen in years has a very cringeworthy social media presence, it has been confirmed. Tommy (24) whos dad is a good mate of yours, has been going by the nickname of T-Mad for many years now, as he pursues a career in Youtube hip hop. I []

The post Younger Family Friend From Small Town Still Pursuing A Career In Aussie Hip Hop appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:26

Local Jet-Lagged Man Only Has The Energy To Tell People Hes Jet-Lagged The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Returning from the other side of the planet with wild stories of the frontier, a local traveller crashed out around 8AM this morning after a marathon 30-hour journey home from London. As a result, Betoota Grove-resident Harley Hawthorne is jet-lagged beyond all comprehension. Ive just been on an aeroplane, in []

The post Local Jet-Lagged Man Only Has The Energy To Tell People Hes Jet-Lagged appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Britains homeless welcome the iPhone X NewsBiscuit

At a modest 1,149, the iPhone X is this years must have accessory for the destitute; alongside a dog, a copy of the Big Issue and the smell of wee. The new device comes with inbuilt GPS to remind you where you used to live and a poo emoji to tell you how shit your life has become.

Despite a 60% rise in homelessness, of which over 120,000 are children, those living in temporary accommodation will be able to use the ample 5.8 inch display as an umbrella or a rudimentary lean-to. While the homelessness problem costs the UK economy over 1bn a year, it is still cheaper than the average iPhone contract.

Face recognition may be challenging as the homeless are prone to growing beards and loosing teeth. One tramp noted: As a discerning hobo, Im naturally attracted to the fact it has more custom features than Samsung. Ill certainly be switching mobile contracts, the moment I can liquidate my share portfolio.

A Government spokesman commented on the 134% increase in rough sleepers: There are many benefits to being homeless except of course, actual house benefits. For instance, the chances of being burned to death in a tower block is virtually nil. And if you sleep in a Apple shop doorway youll be first in line for the sales.

09:04

Senator Malcolm Roberts Demands ABCs Ultimo HQ Be Covered In Tin Foil

One Nation Senator for now Malcolm Roberts has demanded that the Government cover the ABCs Ultimo headquarters in tin foil if it wants his vote to pass new media ownership laws.

The ABC is out of control and its time someone did something about it, said an animated Senator Roberts. I mean yesterday they showed a program about two bananas running around the beach enjoying the sun. Talk about propaganda for the renewables industry, why couldnt those two fruits enjoy coal?

Dangerous ideas they are spreading at the ABC, they even had the gall to question me once in an interview, can you believe it.

When reached for comment on Senator Roberts demands Communications Minister Mitch Fifield replied: Thats better than we expected from One Nation. Only having to cover the ABC studios in tin foil. We approached Derryn Hinch and he wanted a whole news channel devoted to himself so were getting there.

These new laws will be great for Australians, especially those named Murdoch.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian...

09:04

What Happened - S H I T Happens TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Deja view, all over again. Somehow it feels like the evening of November 8, 2016. The U.S. presidential election that just keeps on giving. With Hillary Clinton's recent triumphant return to the media spotlight with her new book "What Happened", it s...

09:01

StormWall turns out to be just another TrumpScam TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Despite the previous biblical claims of Trump.com Stormwall it has turned out to be just as useless as everything else he has promised. Despite the Godlike claims made by Trump.com, Scientists have confirmed that the StormWall...

06:00

Todays celebrity thing Harrison Ford explaining how he came to hit Ryan Gosling The Poke

Harrison Ford was asked by GQ magazine how he came to punch Ryan Gosling during the filming of the Blade Runner sequel.

His answer quickly went viral on Twitter. We love you Harrison.

And just in case thats tricky to read

I punched Ryan Gosling in the face. Ryan Goslings face was where it should not have been.

His job was to be out of the range of the punch. My job was also to make sure that I pulled the punch. But we were moving, and the camera was moving, so I had to be aware of the angle to the camera to make the punch look good. You know, I threw about a hundred punches in the shooting of it and I only hit him once.

[So he should be grateful?]

I have pointed that out Its 90% his fault.

[That is very]

generous of me.

[He said you went to his dressing room with a bottle of scotch, poured him a glass then walked out with the bottle?]

I did. What did he fucking expect the whole bottle? You know, I figured one drink would fix it. That was enough.

[Ford said Gosling was fun to work with]

I like him a lot. Hes a smart guy. I mean, hes a fucking Mouseketeer hes been doing this since he was 6 years old or something.

03:14

President Harvey Wall-Bugger And The Rest Of The Meteorologically Impaired Daily Discord

While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, lets not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, Im being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly

03:06

Study suggests if we just ignore her, then she might go away Stubhill News

Thinktank suggests strategy for dealing with Hillary Clinton.

02:30

Metalcore Band Could Become SoundCloud Rappers at Any Moment The Hard Times

CINCINNATI Metalcore stalwarts Agony of Death are closing in on a band agreement that could lead to their first foray into SoundCloud rap, according to sources close to the quartet.

Lead singer Hardwin Tito first hinted at the possible change this past Friday.

Internet rap could be a solid next step for the band. Ive seen some YouTube videos, and I think Im ready to completely change my entire identity, said Tito. SoundCloud really seems to be where the music of the future will live.

Weve toured southwestern Ohio relentlessly for the past 14 years, added drummer Darren Boston. Our fan base just never really got off the ground, for whatever reason.

The band noted the lukewarm reception to their last three albums as the major reason for their reinvention, but some members are reportedly skeptical.

Obviously, Im excited to get a face tattoo, dont get me wrong. But I really cant see myself sipping sizzurp, said guitarist Marcus McConnell. Tito goes through these phases. That vaporwave phase was particularly annoying, but so was the glitch art tumblr.

Many SoundCloud artists weighed in on the bands decision, including notable n-metal DJ, DJ Joe Pesci.

Related:

Listen, I quit my band in 2015 to do SoundCloud full-time, and it was the best decision I ever made, said Pesci. I make over $90 per month through SoundCloud. The best part is, I get to record all my music in my new studio the guest bedroom of my aunts house.

Im excited for the new direction, said Tito. Im very serious about rapping and gaining clout within my new scene. Ive been following underground rap for a while PO$TMANE, Xanmanda Bynes, XXXorcism, or anyone from Knife Boi Squad. I like Lil House Phone a lot, too. If you like them, follow $$BankrollBoyz$$ on Instagram.

The forward-thinking band allegedly did consider other options to gain the large following they desire.

It was either this or become Christian again, said bassist Jack Lomp. So its this.

Show off your support for The Hard Times with a brand new shirt:

01:27

Hillary Groundhog Day Proclaimed TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Now that Hillary Clinton is back in the news with a vengeance, promoting her new book "What Happened", it's obvious to everyone what Hillary has been doing for the last year: Reliving Wednesday, November 9, 2016, over and over again. Just like "Groun...

01:25

Thought for the day on Roald Dahl Day The Poke

Probably for the best he never saw Twitter.

Source

The post Thought for the day on Roald Dahl Day appeared first on The Poke.

01:11

Which type of Brexiteer are you? The Poke

Over on Twitter @TechnicallyRon has come up with a handy guide to identifying different types of Brexiteer. And its right on the button as ever.

Not only that, @TechnicallyRon is offering a personal diagnosis to anyone who gets in touch (not that theyre appreciating it that much).

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00:30

Parents withdraw son from school because some children have a different name NewsBiscuit

Parents of a child who is a school with other children who are clearly not called Callum have withdrawn their child from education. Speaking to the press this morning, Mr and Mrs Price of Hampshire say Callum came home asking why other children had a names other than Callum.

Mr Price said:  When I couldnt answer that question I realised my chances of explaining verbs and nouns or helping with science homework were zero, so weve called it a day with education. We will keep him at him at home with some Lego and alphabet spaghetti that spells out his name.

Mr and Mrs Price belong to a religion that only recognises the name Callum and have both changed their names to Callum by deed poll. They feel their religious freedom is being infringed by people not all doing exactly as they want and changing their names to Callum. The vicar at their church Reverend Callum French says this sort of discrimination is becoming more widespread.

People seem to think that their modern ideas of different names for different people are somehow progressive and that it helps people express their true selves more easily, but if everyone isnt called Callum, how confusing is that to a child? No one seems to be thinking about the children called Callum here do they?

The Church of Callum is now helping the Price family to take the local education authority to court, however so far they have been unsuccessful in finding a solicitor named Callum.

 

Lloydie

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Wednesday, 13 September

23:05

iPhone X say hello to the future The Poke

Apple have revealed the iPhone X heres a quick rundown of some of the exciting new features!

Dont get left behind here are 10 incredible new software updates for the iPhone.

The post iPhone X say hello to the future appeared first on The Poke.

22:33

16 times Great British Bake Off was the filthiest show on TV The Poke

So this is what happens if you take a whole bunch of screen grabs from the Great British Bake Off complete with subtitles and look at them entirely out of context. Lovely stuff.

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21:54

Our 16 favourite Donald Trump magazine covers The Poke

Say what you like about Donald Trump please but hes been a gift to people who design magazine covers. Like these.

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20:36

Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 The Poke

A man from London can barely bring himself to touch his disgusting less-than-a-year old iPhone 7, with its crappy camera and pathetic processing power that seems to mock him with every email he receives.

disgusting_iphone5s

Now the iPhone X has been announced feels like Im walking around with a big lump of shit in my pocket, wept the man, who can barely bring himself to look at the expensive phone he bought less than a year ago, let alone touch it.

You wouldnt hold a turd next to your face in polite society and thats how it feels when I answer a call on this crappy, outdated iPhone 7, he added.

Jesus, I feel sick just saying the name out loud. I imagine all my iPhone X owning friends will ridicule me for not spending a grand on a phone that can do animated emojis.

I might as well throw it down the toilet instead of facing the heavy burden of using this outdated pile of shit.

The post Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 appeared first on The Poke.

20:01

Your 11-point guide to Apples new iPhone(s) The Poke

Apple has unveiled details of the iPhone 8 and something called the iPhone X. The X stands for expensive it costs 1,149.

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17:23

Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now The Poke

Magic of TV, innit?

Source

The post Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now appeared first on The Poke.

16:33

Mayo now outsells ketchup and this could be the last straw, frankly The Poke

As if the world wasnt weird enough already, this happens.

The only Mayo that doesnt make us want to heave is the one on Radio 2. Maybe Im just old-fashioned. Is it time for a referendum?

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16:14

Suddenly our morning coffee feels just a little bit ordinary The Poke

This 3D latte art is just amazing.

The Reissue cafe in Japan has a latte artist who can top your coffee with an edible picture based on any photo you like.

And we really do mean any.

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15:30

Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week The Poke

Remind you of anything?

We cant speak Italian, but we have a hunch we know what theyre saying.

Yep, thought so.

https://twitter.com/360Sources/status/906905768246554624

Probably one trophy he wasnt keen on winning.

The chap with the unfortunate hairline is Genoa striker Goran Pandev. Just in case you still dont get it

Yes, yes it is.

Source

The post Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

03:48

Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years The Poke

You dont have to be a fan of Scouse House to enjoy this. What an extraordinary labour of love this must have been, put together by @swedemason.

Dont take our verdict, listen to these guys.

Listen to a whole load more of @swedemasons stuff here.

READ MORE

Mash Up Of The Week: Imagine Vs Band On The Run

Source

The post Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years appeared first on The Poke.

03:14

Never forget Frankie Boyles epic takedown of Richard Branson The Poke

Richard Branson has been tweeting about his concerns for the environment in the wake of Hurricane Irma and reckons man-made climate change is to blame.

Which prompted Frankie Boyle to remind his Twitter followers of his epic put-down of the Virgin man a few years back.

In close-up.

And Boyles reply.

He wasnt the only one to make the connection.

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02:57

This is right up there with the moment you realised the Beatles is a pun The Poke

Well, we never did.

Turns out that was only the start.

What?

No!

Get away.

Have we led a sheltered life?

02:33

Is it just us, or did Hurricane Irma blow Tomasz Schafernakers trousers off? The Poke

Newsnight sent everyones favourite BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafternaker, to report from Hurricane Irma. Of course it did.

But unfortunately for everyone involved, it wasnt the wind that caught our attention.

...

02:01

Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader The Poke

This will ring true for anyone whos ever been online. So anyone then.

You can follow Tom on Twitter here and check out his books here including his newest, Baking with Kafka.

Source

The post Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader appeared first on The Poke.

01:27

If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy The Poke

Failed Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has been mocked for liking a 2-minute long porn video on Twitter but our own politicians have also liked some dodgy stuff

1. Theresa May

2. Jeremy Corbyn

3. Jacob Rees-Mogg

4. David Davis

5. Nicola Sturgeon

The post If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy appeared first on The Poke.

01:14

Forget about Brexit, its these 19 sandwich fillings that really divides the nation The Poke

When @cutequeer97 poked fun at the nations fondness for a sandwich (were pretty sure it extends into Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as well) he had no idea what was about to happen next.

Not just the grief that was about to be unloaded on him, but just how much we REALLY WILL put between two slices of bread. It might start off nice and conventional but get a load of where it ends up.

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Tuesday, 12 September

23:22

Improved UK storm names for 2017 The Poke

The Met Office have come up with names for the upcoming storms that the UK will face this year but to be honest they all sound quite dull, so weve made them a bit more exciting.

And just in case you were wondering, here are the real thing.

Yep, ours are much better. Please do contribute your own in the comments.

The post Improved UK storm names for 2017 appeared first on The Poke.

22:40

People cant get their heads round this newly unveiled tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales The Poke

This tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales, has just been unveiled and people cant quite get their heads round it.

It doesnt get any better in close up.

Hmmm, yep, you can definitely see the join here.

And here.

Heres what people made of it online.

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