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Sunday, 12 November


Speedy Pit Crew Repairs Broken Mosher In a Record 12 Seconds The Hard Times

DENTON, Texas A heroic pit crew set a new record last Friday night by fixing an injured, teen mosher at a crowded hardcore show in a mere 12 seconds, Guinness World Record officials confirmed.

They came out of nowhere, said Dennis Hoffstadt, the youngster whose limb was injured by the rambunctious crowd. One minute, I felt something twist and pop in my leg; the next, Im on a gurney, surrounded by guys taking off my shoes and covering me in band-aids. As soon as they finished, I felt better than before. I really started fucking shit up during the second half of the show.

The pit crew, consisting mainly of retired firefighters and EMTs, prepares for the worst each week by gathering in a members garage to practice putting splints and bandages around a CPR dummy wearing a Wiccans T-shirt.

This one was a complete blowout I didnt know if we were going to be able to get him back on track. But we threw on some new shoes and realigned his knee, and he was good to go, said Al Morgan, the Denton pit crew chief. Our training is pretty rigorous. My guys go through a lot of drills, ranging from grindcore to ska, to make sure were ready for anyone caught in the lane.

Onlookers were impressed with the pit crews efficiency and attention-to-detail.


Those guys are heros, man, says Abbie Zucker, another teen nearby when Hoffstadt went down. They put themselves in the line of fire and dont ask anything in return. If this wasnt a straight edge show, Im sure theyd be showered in champagne after this triumph.

Although the humble pit crew eschews recognition, a source at Guyer High School noted a special, commemorative Community Pasta Dinner is in the works to honor the often-overlooked crew.

Honestly, theres no need to thank us, said Morgan, gazing out at the empty dance floor once teeming with adolescents, now littered with broken glasses and the occasional stray Vans sneaker. Its just another day on the job.

Take a trip over to our virtual merch table:

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Saturday, 11 November


I Accidentally Ran Over Tom Waits And Now Im King Of The Rail Yard The Hard Times

I was driving home from work like I normally do, past the creepy old rail yard, same as always. I looked away from the road for a second, heard a raspy voice cry out in pain, and felt the impact as my car smacked into something and rolled over it. My first thought was, Oh, shit! I think I just killed the dude from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, or maybe just a raccoon who drinks.

I stopped the car to investigate and saw the body of what I initially assumed to be a homeless bartender, but like one of those bartenders who demands to be referred to as a mixologist, you know? I knelt down by the body and he grabbed my hand, pulling me in to whisper in a voice that sounded like gurgling broken glass and said, Looks like Im taking a little trip to Heaven. You gotta carry on my work, for all the other rain dogs. As he handed me his pork pie hat the dying man choked out his gravelly last words, Stars beginning to fade, and I lead the parade.


 Related: Accident That Caused Traffic Jam Better Be Worth It


It was only later that I realized I had accidentally killed rough-voiced singer/songwriter and tertiary star of the box office flop Mystery Men, Tom Waits. And then I put on the hat. Thats when everything began to change. I found myself losing weight at a drastic rate, so at first I was afraid Id fallen under some kind of gypsy curse. Then I was suddenly able to play the piano pretty well, but I insisted on only playing in abandoned hospitals and derelict factory buildings. I noticed other things like a sudden desire to wear old timey clothes. I found myself aggressively contemptuous of the advertising industry, refusing to let them use my songs. Jim Jarmusch kept blowing up my phone, asking me to be in his movies. Then I found that I had the ability to speak to rats.

And now as I sit here on my throne in the rail yard amongst my rat subjects and my court of drifters and vagabonds, I realize that since the beginning of time there has always been a Tom Waits. A troubadour with a grating voice to sing ballads of criminals, tramps, and people who were raised by wolves.

The mantle of Tom Waits has been passed down over the centuries and now it has fallen to me. I will continue the good work and make sure that my voice is heard by all. Even if that voice sounds like it lingered too long in a burning building, then stepped outside long enough to knife fight an opossum for a bottle of MD 20/20.

Show your friends whose REALLY king of the rail yard with a sick Hard Times t-shirt!:


Honey Monster sues John Lewis for theft of image rights NewsBiscuit

However showbiz insiders are saying that Honey Monsters action might just be being brought more out of desperation after years of struggle with alcohol. His estranged wife Laa-Laa the Tellytubby has told harrowing tales of all-night sex parties and substance abuse leading up to their divorce in 2012.

John Lewis has not commented but Guy Garvey has said he regrets having Elbow do the music for the new ad in view of all the disharmony. He said: Its all left a rather bad taste in my mouth. A bit like Sugar Puffs, come to think of it.



Tony Hawk Undergoes Dangerous Skin Pixelation Surgery to Become More Recognizable The Hard Times

ENCINITAS, Calif. Pro skateboarder Tony Hawk has reportedly had every inch of his body surgically pixelated in an attempt to regain public recognition. It has been several years since the Tony Hawks Pro Skater franchise peaked in popularity, and its subsequent decline rendered the extreme sports pioneer almost unrecognizable to fans and newcomers alike.  

The surgery has achieved its intended goal, with Hark reporting an immediate increase in public attention.

My ill new skin has definitely been turning heads on the street, he said, through an unblinking, neutral expression.  Ive been hitting up my old stomping grounds, like the school, to complete some sick objectives.  Those kids really freaked when they saw me spell out S-K-A-T-E.  They looked so horrified, probably because they never thought their hero would swoop in and rock a Roast Beef grab right in their faces, looking all pixelated and badass.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Some of them even took off running as fast they could.  I bet they just wanted to get to the closest Sam Goody to buy the Millencolin CD I was jammin.  

The new look has proved controversial for the former X-Games champ on several occasions.  Most recently he was escorted out of a local warehouse by concerned workers.

I thought I was hallucin...


Woman rescued from house after 20 years of being taken for granted NewsBiscuit

probably a cultPolice and charity workers have liberated a 47-year-old woman from a terraced house in the suburbs of London after being alerted to claims that she had been living there for over 20 years during which time she repeatedly had to cook, clean and iron with barely a word of thanks. A 52-year-old man, described by police as a miserable git, was arrested at the scene.

People think that domestic servitude is a thing of the past, but it isnt so, said campaign leader Andrea Marsden. Here, in 21st century Britain, something like this could still be going on in the street where you live. My case workers are already describing this as the worst case of serial insensitivity they have ever seen.

As police continue their investigation, anti-grumpiness charities are calling for the public to be on the lookout for partners who fail to pull their weight around the house. Marsden admitted that the symptoms can be difficult to spot, but they typically include sighing, eye-rolling, disappearing to the pub whenever the words We need to talk are mentioned and watching repeats of Top Gear on Dave.

Neighbours who witnessed the dramatic dawn raid said that they had no idea of what had been going on. They seemed so quiet, said Mary Flack, who lives five doors down on the same housing estate. We barely saw them, other than when he went out to or came home from work, when she went into town to get some shopping or when the children went to school.

According to unconfirmed reports, two other victims were taken from the house, one of them a 15-year-old girl who has described her existence there as like, pathetic. It is understood that she has spent her whole life in the house without once going to a One Direction concert.

Serial abusers can be extraordinarily good at conditioning people to expect to be treated with indifference, said Marsden. We even rescued a ten-year-old boy from the house who protested that he didnt want to go because, as he put it, Dad said he was taking me to football next weekend. Absolutely heartbreaking.


See if you enjoy this JK Rowling takedown as much as Piers Morgan obviously did The Poke

JK Rowling was among a whole host of authors slagging off Twitters decision to double its character limit to 280.

Which prompted this magical response, all within the old 140 character limit.

Guess who liked it? Of course he did.

Stephen King made a similar point to JK Rowling, but with extra brevity.

Piers Morgan and JK Rowling in epic four-letter Twitter fight over Donald Trump

The post...


Theresa Mays nightmare before Christmas in John Lewis ad spoof The Poke

The good people of Joe have spoofed the John Lewis Christmas ad by giving a starring role to so-called prime minister, Theresa May.

The John Lewis ad got a distinctly mixed reaction this year. This little monster was totally unimpressed.


The post Theresa Mays nightmare before Christmas in John Lewis ad spoof appeared first on The Poke.


This social faux pas prompted a rush of similar confessions and theyre brilliant The Poke

Over on Twitter, @MooseAllain had something to get off his chest after he made a mildly embarrassing social faux pas in a shop.

It prompted a whole rush of other similar confessions because lets face it its the sort of thing weve all done at one time or another.

Here are our favourites. And send us yours in the comments!






Ride In Vietnamese Cyclo Fails To Cheer Up Malcolm Turnbull The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As the Coalition is set to head to a second byelection and the Trans-Pacific Partnership lies in ruins, Malcolm Turnbull told his Chief-of-Staff to hail a cyclo. The Prime Minister thought a quick spin in one of Vietnams most popular methods of transport might be able to cheer him []

The post Ride In Vietnamese Cyclo Fails To Cheer Up Malcolm Turnbull appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Pauline Scouts Outside Gates Of Wacol Prison Looking For Potential One Nation Candidates The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has spent the day waiting outside Brisbane Correctional Centre looking for any paroled offenders who look like they have what it takes to run alongside One Nation. People get sent to this place from all over the state she says of the notorious supermax prison. So its a []

The post Pauline Scouts Outside Gates Of Wacol Prison Looking For Potential One Nation Candidates appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Confusion As Local Friend Actually Wasnt Joking About Being Vegetarian Now The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Wanda Mardy asked for her guests dietary requirements a week out from her weekend lunch jamboree at her parents heritage-listed Betoota Heights Queenslander. What she received back in the post raised not one but both eyebrows. Wow, she said softly. Theres a lot of vegetarians this year. Christ, theres a pescatarian. What []

The post Confusion As Local Friend Actually Wasnt Joking About Being Vegetarian Now appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Cant Help But Laugh! Local Boss Expects Bloke To Answer Phone On Saturday The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The days he spent behind a bar and picking up glasses is behind him so too is the expectation for him to work on the weekend. Taking time out of his idle Saturday afternoon to speak candidly to The Advocate, Conor Dalhasse said his boss rang this morning []

The post Cant Help But Laugh! Local Boss Expects Bloke To Answer Phone On Saturday appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Fans divided as Penny Mordaunt regenerates as 8th Secretary NewsBiscuit

The internet is abuzz as Conservative Central Office released the first photo of the eighth Secretary of State for International Development, Penny Mordaunt, in character. Formerly known mainly for her role as the voluptuous underwater diving queen Morgana in the short-lived thriller Splash, Penny will come to our screens as the new Secretary in a surprise regeneration from the outgoing Secretary Priti Patel. She will be battling the arch nemesis of all the previous Secretaries, the DFIDians, throughout the autumn schedules.

The emergency regeneration followed a heart-stopping plot twist when the evil Lord Netayahu sapped the Secretary of her powers of tenacity, forcing her to jump into oblivion before being pushed by her fellow time travelling anachronisms. Fans of the series generally known by the derisive nickname of secretariats registered little surprise at the choice of replacement for Patel, who was also recently battling the Palestybermen on the Golan Heights amid robotic shouts of Expropriate! Expropriate!

She was a fairly predictable option, said the founder of the Secretariats Anonymous Facebook page. Weve had a black Secretary in Baroness Amos, a lesbian Secretary in Justine Greening, a brummie Secretary in Clare Short and a barking mad one with a long scarf in Hilary Benn. The best they can say about this new one is that she appeared in The Navy Lark for a few years. They really have run out of surprise regenerations.

Ms Mordaunt follows in the vein of the last few Secretaries in having absolutely no previous interest in international development and has admitting she had not watched the show before auditioning for the part. As long as I can remain a little cagey about my whereabouts at all times and ham it up through all those rather ludicrous plot twists the scriptwriters seem to favour right now, I can see myself in the role for many weeks to come, she said.


High School Music Examiner Excited To Not Hear Covers Of Little Wing For Another Year The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As final year examinations end around the nation, year 12 students are alight with excitement at the prospect of never doing another exam again. Lesser known but equally elated, are the nations senior music examiners who are getting on the piss to celebrate not having to hear a shitty cover of Jimi []

The post High School Music Examiner Excited To Not Hear Covers Of Little Wing For Another Year appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Thirsty Merc Counting Down The Days To Peak Summertime Music Royalty Season The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the days stretch out and the heats sets in, many Australians look forward to the warm and enticing embrace of the summer down under. For lead singer of Thirsty Merc, Rai Thistlethwayte, the seasonal excitement of the average Aussie pales in comparison to his. Heh heh heh, royalty season is on []

The post Thirsty Merc Counting Down The Days To Peak Summertime Music Royalty Season appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Out-Of-Towner Cooks It On Tamworth 45 Degree Parking Spot The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT East Tamworth was the sight of a disgraceful display today as out-of-towner Thomas Casey (25) absolutely cooked it trying to park his late model luxury vehicle in a street side 45-degree parking spot. Witnesses report that while having ample room to perform the park, Casey attempted it as if it were []

The post Out-Of-Towner Cooks It On Tamworth 45 Degree Parking Spot appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


This cat is how we all feel at the end of a long week The Poke

Yep, thats us alright.


The post This cat is how we all feel at the end of a long week appeared first on The Poke.


Donald Trumps chief environmental advisor is like the worst Apprentice interview youve ever seen The Poke

Take a minute, if you will, to listen to Kathleen Hartnett, Donald Trumps choice to chair the White Houses Council on Environmental Quality (CEQ).

Its like a bad interview from the Apprentice, except with the future of the world at stake.

And heres the @nowthisnews take.


The post...


Louis C.K. Blocks Hotel Room Door Until New Film Viewed to Completion The Hard Times

NEW YORK Movie critics Laura Jones and Claire Benson allege that they were forced to watch Louis C.K.s new film I Love You, Daddy to completion last week, when the filmmaker blocked their exit from a private screening in his hotel room.

When he set everything up, Louis really couldnt have been more accommodating, said Benson. He seemed pretty excited to give us a free, private screening. When he called, though, it sounded like he was out of breath or maybe like he was exercising. Who knows?

While Jones agreed that, at first, Mr. C.K. was incredibly hospitable, both confirmed things went quickly awry.

Right when we got there, he abruptly asked if he could take the movie out we didnt have a chance to take our coats off or anything, said Jones.

I had no idea it was shot in black and white, added Benson. Had I known, I never would have agreed to watch a film that was so self-serving.

Jones and Benson quickly decided theyd leave without the review they sought. I looked over at Laura, and we both knew it was time to get out of there, said Benson. We thanked Louis for inviting us, and started towards the door. But thats when things really got weird.

The two women claim C.K. grew agitated when they tried to leave the hotel room.


He stood right in the doorway, and wouldnt let us leave until his movie finished, said a still-distraught Jones. It was awful. Ive never seen anyone stroke their own ego so vigorously. Tell me you like my framing, he said. And then he asked Claire, Do you like my character arc, baby? I honestly dont think Ill ever be able to look at his work the same way again.

Once the movie reached its inevitable climax, the two women hastily exited the hotel room but not without permanent emotional scarring.

He really wanted us to say his work was on par with Woody Allens. I agreed with him to make him stop talking, said Benson. I just hope, by coming out about this, other people wont be forced to watch his self-congratulatory nonsense.

Pick up a brand new shirt and show your support for The Hard Times:...


Your 6-tweet guide to Donald Trumps meeting with Vladimir Putin today The Poke

All eyes were on Donald Trump today as he met with Vladimir Putin at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit dinner in Vietnam.

Heres your 6 tweet guide to the big meeting.







This brutal takedown of Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is worth every second The Poke

Heres James OBrien letting you know exactly what he thinks about Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre after Theresa May attended a dinner in his honour this week.

So what is he proud of in this country? Apart from his own legacy of hatred, bile and bigotry.

Thats best exemplified by the fact that he put the assassination of an elected representative by a white supremacist terrorist, obsessed like him by immigration, on page 29 of his newspaper.

On that day, on page 5 or 7, there was an article about the length of baguettes. If you see him, ask him.


Theresa May rounded off another shit day by paying homage to Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre


The post This brutal takedown of Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is worth every second appeared first on The Poke.


11 favourite tweets by the guy called John Lewis who everyone thinks is the shop John Lewis The Poke

Its that day of the year when the bloke called @johnlewis on Twitter is inundated with messages by people who mistake him for the shop called @johnlewisretail.

Spot the difference?

Heres 8 times he handled it a lot better than we would, frankly.








White House Denies President Met With Any Russians During Formal Trump-Putin Meeting Daily Discord

The KremlinPresident Donald Trump is denying allegations he met with any Russians on his trip to Moscow this week. The official word from the White House is that no meeting occurred and theres nothing for Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller to investigate. They then added Mr. Mueller should probably just stop his investigating all together and find something


John Lewis Christmas Ad Parody 2017 The Poke

One little monster isnt happy about the John Lewis Christmas advert.

The post John Lewis Christmas Ad Parody 2017 appeared first on The Poke.


May replaces First Sea Lord with Admiral lady NewsBiscuit

Theresa May has sensationally sacked First Sea Lord, Sir Philip Jones and replaced him with that woman off the Admiral Insurance adverts. Mrs May said: Its about time we shook up this world of navy larks and salty old seamen. I believe the Admiral ladys no-nonsense approach, nice blue trouser suit and her tricorn hat will bring a welcome alternative to all the braided caps nonsense.

The move has created another headache for the beleaguered PM as there is already a clamour for to have Boris Johnson walk the plank after he welcomed the new appointment by saying: Phwor! Shes a real piece of top totty all right erm and if anything I have said about this ladys appointment is subsequently chosen to be taken out of context, then of course, I apologise unreservedly if my comments offended anyone. Particularly the missus.

Chipchase, hat-tip to YaBasta


Millennium Falcon spotted on Google Maps near a golf course in Surrey The Poke

Hiding the Millennium Falcon from Darth Vader is one thing. Concealing it from the prying eyes of Google Maps thats quite another, it turns out, after the Millennium Falcon was spotted near a golf course in Surrey.

But youll have to look very, very carefully. (Clue: its behind a bunch of shipping containers).

No? Okay, closer.


Apparently its the one used in The Force Awakens.


Scene Veterans Closet Contains 700 T-Shirts, One Pair of Pants The Hard Times

DETROIT The closet of 41-year-old scene veteran Eddie Pierce is filled with hundreds of band t-shirts to pair with exactly one pair of pants, sources confirmed.

I think his merch collection started before we were even dating, claimed Beth Jensen, Pierces wife of seven years. Back then, he had three or four pairs of pants. I specifically remember jeans, a pair of khakis even cargo pants. It was a different time.

Jensen believes that, over the last four years, her husband has slowly worked his way down to a single pair of jeans, worn daily.

For a long time, I thought he was alternating between two pairs of black jeans but after he got one of those weird toothpaste stains on one of the legs, I realized it was the same pair of pants, said Jensen. He never cleans them. The closest he came to washing them was last summer, when he fell into a pool fully-clothed.

Pierces clothing has led to some strife within the family, especially on his wedding day.

My mom was incredulous. I thought it was a big deal that he wore a blazer over his Guantanamo Baywatch T-shirt, but she wasnt having it, said Jensen. The only time I saw him dress any better was for a court date, when he borrowed a suit from his dad.

All my mom gave us for the wedding was a Mens Wearhouse gift card, she later added. We still have it.


Pierce, an HVAC technician who still averages over four shows and three merch runs per week, feels one pair of pants is more than enough.

Im not about to waste my time going to some department store and trying on pants for eight hours a day. You dont need buy another pair until the crotch is too ripped to patch up, said Pierce. And I actually do have more than one pair of pants: I have some light grey sweatpants for relaxing around the house.

Despite Pierces steadfast ways, while the couple does not yet have a child, they reportedly are considering it.

My friends dont think Eddie is cut out for fatherhood, but hes been so supportive of the scene that I think hes ready for the responsibility, said Jensen wistfully. His closet must have the makings for a Ramones or Misfits onesie. A baby would look so cute in that.

The be...


What Grazia wants you to look like vs what you actually look like The Poke

Spot the difference?

Oscar winner Lupita Nyongo has accused Grazia of editing her hair on its front cover to fit a more Eurocentric notion of what beautiful hair looks like.

Heres what people made of it on Twitter.


The responses to Nigel Farage are everything youd hope for The Poke

Nigel Farage is back doing what he does best talking balls on Twitter.

Responding to the Vaticans decision to ban the sale of cigarettes on advice from the World Health Organisation, Farage had this to say.

And this is what everyone else had to say in response.






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Friday, 10 November


This Victorian guide on how to flirt with your gloves will make you baffled on how Victorians ever got together The Poke

Proving that the Victorians invented the phrase no glove no love comes this utterly insane guide on how to use your hand wear for flirting.

With flirting rules like that, no doubt Id still be a spinster. writes @Tamlynrogers.

Source: Twitter/@Tatiana19796

The post This Victorian guide on how to flirt with your gloves will make you baffled on how Victorians ever got together appeared first on The Poke.


Someone made a newspaper for their cat to read on the litter tray and its purrfect The Poke

Every good cats home should have one of these.



Theyve made a discount spoof of the John Lewis ad on 1/10,000th of the budget The Poke

Its become a festive tradition for MyVoucherCodes to do a discount version of the John Lewis Christmas ad and this year is no exception.

Made with students from the School of Communications Arts it cost 700 compared to the 7 million spent on the real thing and you can see every penny on the screen.


The post Theyve made a discount spoof of the John Lewis ad on 1/10,000th of the budget appeared first on The Poke.


Noddy to be prosecuted for tax evasion NewsBiscuit

In one of the most systematic and malicious abuses revealed in the recent Paradise Papers, popular childrens icon Noddy will be to be the first of the 1% taken to task.

Noddy, who in recent years has regularly been seen flying in is private jet, helicopter and even sailing luxury yacht has been avoiding tax through a series of offshore investments and claiming that he earns a living as a taxi driver. As the only car he has is a highly customised classic, tax officials are calling this claim laughable.

Questions have been asked of the local constabulary as to how Noddy got away with this for so long. So far PC Plod has wobbled but has not fallen down. It is thought that his unpaid tax bill could be as high as a bag of gumballs and Big Ears last Rolo.



Sony Approves Settlers of Catan Movie Budget of 8,000 Wood, 9,000 Sheep, 4,000 Ore, 5,000 Wheat, 9,000 Brick The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Sony has approved a substantial budget for the upcoming Settlers of Catan movie, after much deliberation over sheep, wood, ore, wheat, and brick, according to close sources. The deal almost fell through after poor initial settlement placement by the producers at the studio led to significant wheat shortages for Sony.

It was an extremely difficult negotiation, said Blair Kingston, a producer at Sony. We were originally willing to give up to 15,000 sheep because who needs sheep this late in the movie game? Eventually we agreed on 9,000 sheep and promised not to move the robber onto the production studio in the near future.

Yan Xin, who directed the 1990 box office disaster Sorry! Not Sorry! A Sorry! Movie, was initially tapped to direct the film. However, after losing his 2,500 brick salary to a monopoly, he flipped over his camera and went home.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

These people are bunch of amateurs, exclaimed Xin to reporters. When I make movies, I do things by the book. I dont want to deal with these ridiculous laidback Hollywood house rules. Also, by the way, its called fucking clay.

The movie, with production set to begin this month, will be entirely filmed on a sound-stage right next to a 3:1 port, in case Sony needs to make any last minute changes to the budget or actor salaries. Cast and crew will be able to drive from the Sony Pictures lot directly to the set in a long, winding boulevard, to ensure that Universal does not receive Longest Road.

After agreeing to come on board to write and direct the film, Steven Spie...


Moz the Monster our favourite 15 responses to the John Lewis Christmas ad The Poke

The John Lewis Christmas ad is here and its a bit, well, see for yourself.

Here are our favourite responses online. There you go its better already.







Grand Designs house constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings NewsBiscuit

owners 'couldn't build another thing'In one of the most ambitious self-building projects to date Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud has revealed the first house to be constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings.

When Devonshire couple, Tom and Felicity Holmes realised that they could never afford to build their dream house out of traditional materials they were forced to think outside of the box. So, when Felicity discovered 17 years worth of unused Christmas puddings in the back of her mothers kitchen cupboard, she experienced a true Eureka moment.

The couple called for a Christmas pudding amnesty across the County, and with the help of the Torquay Advertiser and the Crediton Times, they were bombarded with tons of unused Christmas puddings, some dating from the early 1930s, enabling them to start work on their cosy family home.

Kevin McCloud described their dream as the riskiest Grand Designs project ever. I never thought for one moment that Tom and Felicity would be able to tap into a rich seam of rock hard prunes, sultanas, ground cinnamon and muscovado sugar. But they have proved me wrong, and the resulting Adobe design has elements of Black Forest gothic coupled with scrumptious Bauhaus simplicity. They should be very proud.

With metre thick walls and windows made out of three layers of empty mincemeat jars the building meets currant UK building standards for Sustainable Homes.

But the building project was not all plain sailing, explained Kevin. In late September the couple announced that they had run out of petrified marzipan to top off the roof structure leaving the house open to the elements during the winter months. Luckily Toms mother had a cupboard full of stale brandy snaps, which gave them a temporary fix and time to resolve the problem.

Having Kevin in the mix helped us finish the project in the time we allowed, said Tom the walls alone required five hours steaming at gas mark 5 and more than three hundred and fifty feet of cling film to hold them together during the building process.

The couple now plan to host a massive house warming party, just in time for Christmas for long suffering neighbours, family and friends.

Next door neighbour Horace Bradley said, It hasnt been easy for anyone, and to be honest theyve made living next to them an absolute misery for the last six months. I cant wait for the party and look forward to pouring brandy over the top and setting the fucker alight.


People are finding this six-foot-teddy bear with really long legs hilarious The Poke

When you buy a six-foot-tall teddy bear its probably reasonable to assume the whole thing is big rather than just the legs.

However, the internet is here to rip you off and delight you with its wrongness as BeelzebubsBabygirls viral tweet has gone viral with over 80k retweets and likes points out:

Lets zoom in on these photos in turn shall we?


Source: Twitter/@cooltonedcutie

The post People are finding this six-foot-teddy bear with really long legs hilarious appeared first on The Poke.


EXCLUSIVE! First look at the John Lewis Christmas ad The Poke

This years John Lewis Christmas advert is out there

The two-minute festive heart-warmer tells the story of a little boy called Joe who is kept awake by a 7 foot-tall monster named Moz who lives under his bed.

Spare a thought today for American man John Lewis who is bracing himself for the annual onslaught of erroneous tweets as the stores Christmas ad comes out.

The father-of-four is frequently confused for the high street brand on social media, as customers tweet him at the handle @johnlewis instead of @johnlewisretail.

And each year the father of four calmly responds to scores of users who message him in error.

Mr Lewis, from Blacksburg, Virginia, has the patience of a saint.



Not good for hill starts The Poke

Source: Twitter/@j4

The post Not good for hill starts appeared first on The Poke.


The 7 golden rules of public transport etiquette The Poke

A new report says there has been a 230% increase in angry incidents on the London Underground here are seven rules we could all follow to make using public transport a nicer experience.








Heres Everything Leaving Netflix This Month Due to Sexual Misconduct Allegations The Hard Times

Netflix is always changing up its offerings. Sometimes its due to contract disputes and other times its because the shows star people accused of committing an unspeakable sex act. Heres a list of every binge worthy show being purged from Netflix after this month for the latter reason the sex one.

Louis CK: 2017

Louis CK is back with what some fans call his best work in years! Unfortunately, this was immediately followed by what few would deny to be his worst work ever, forcing women to watch him mastubate. Enjoy this one while you (sort of) still can!

A Good Man

Steven Seagal stars as a special ops agent turned handyman whos out to show the gangsters harassing his tenant that they just made a big mistake. Unfortunately, Seagal made an even bigger mistake when he told Portia De Rossi that it was important they had good chemistry together and unzipped his pants in front of her. Stream A Good Man on Netflix today!


With a finale season of House of Cards in post production, Netflix wont be dropping its hit political drama anytime soon, but the same cant be said for the streaming sites other Kevin Spacey selections. This movie has Spacey taking advantage of a college-aged math genius in a gambling scam. Life has Kevin Spacey taking advantage of a 14-year-old boy, sexually. Movies rule!

The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected)

Is one of the stories Hoffman groped a 17-year-old? Because that happened.


Steven Seagal is a sniper. Violence ensues.

Louis CK: Chewed Up

Another great one from an allegedly monstrous person.

The Ref

Another Spacey flick bites the digital dust, though considering this one boasts the acting talents of 90s Dennis Leary, Spacey may have done us a favor here.

Louis CK: Hilarious

You know whats not so hilarious?


Say goodbye to this blockbuster thanks to Ben Affleck. It recently came to light that he groped actress Hilarie Burton on an episode of TRL in 2003, easily one of the top 10 horrific acts committed on that show.

Code of Honor

Steven Seagal has a code of honor, putting him at odds with dangerous people he then needs to shoot, I assume.

Contract to Kill

All kidding aside why does Netflix have so many goddamn Steven Seagal movies?

Now: In the Wings on a World Stage

Spacey does Shakespeare set in MODERN DAY! If only that was where his notions of consent were set.


Maximum Conviction

Seagal again.

White Gold

What if Mad Men starred Ed Westwick and was about window salesman? Well, he raped a girl, so you have a very limited amount of time to find out.

The Perfect Weapon


Force of Execution

Fucking Seagal.



First-Year Ringer Foolishly Tells Station Pilot Its His First Time In A Chopper The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Known around the area for his quiet, simple and stoic disposition, Micheal Rex made a classic mistake many first-year station hands make this afternoon he got a lift back to the homestead with the chopper pilot moments after telling him it was his first time up in one. The 19-year-old said hed []

The post First-Year Ringer Foolishly Tells Station Pilot Its His First Time In A Chopper appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Barnaby Joyce Finally Takes Own Advice And Seeks Job In Regional Area The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The people of North-West New South Wales are once again being reminded that Barnaby Joyce is actually from the back-hills of Tamworth, as the man recently stood-down from the role of Deputy Prime Minister. After years of criticising Sydney and Melbourne workers for complaining about house prices, Mr Joyce has in turn, taken []

The post Barnaby Joyce Finally Takes Own Advice And Seeks Job In Regional Area appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Friday Office Banter Peaks As Prankster Posts Zoomed In Video Of Coworker To Instagram The Betoota Advocate

ROY MARTIN | Horse Racing | CONTACT Friday office banter reached its absolute peak today as a local office worker spent most of the day  using his phone to zoom in on unsuspecting co-workers, before uploading the videos to his personal Instagram stories. Whether the video ends in the co-worker not even realising, or at the last second noticing []

The post Friday Office Banter Peaks As Prankster Posts Zoomed In Video Of Coworker To Instagram appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism Worker's Spatula


Point: Youre a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question Chinas socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to read my Marx! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and youre a fucking Trot!

Weve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I cant believe Im wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, youre a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly its YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You arent struggling against fascism, you arent fighting in Dsm, and Trotsky didnt do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, dont you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher l...


Cody of Codys Lab dead at 26 The only news that matters

Cody died in a bathtub full of Mercury, Thursday, as the liquid metal sucked all the heat out of his body in a matter of seconds.

INTERNET Fans mourn the loss of Cody Reeder, host of popular YouTube science channel Codys Lab. Reeder passed away Thursday from cold shock after floating himself in a bathtub full of mercury.

Codys Lab was recently suspended by YouTube, after it was flagged for showing Cody microwaving insects.

Salt Lake City Coroner Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, It sucked so much heat out of him so quickly it caused a sudden dilation in his arteries and a cardiac arrest. Dr Troubador also found high levels of elemental mercury in Codys bloodstream, which he believed accumulated over many well-documented years of contact with mercury.

Recently, Cody ignited a bead of nitroglycerine with a knife, shattering it and cutting his finger even through leather welding gloves. In 2016, Cody fired cryogenic mercury projectiles from a frozen homemade gun, all inside of a small tent. In other videos the YouTube star dips his hands in mercury, flushes a toilet full of mercury, and even tests himself for mercury poisoning.

Dr. Troubador said, The vapors got to him, and maybe some microbeads on his skin. It wouldnt show up on a toxicology report because its not toxic. The elemental stuff got in his bloodstream long before he was frozen stiff by the bath, and it just sits there in the capillaries. Sure, its not poisonous at all, but ultimately it did add to the sudden strain on his circulatory system and his tragic, tragic death.

Critics and fans alike have cast blame on YouTubes increasingly stingy monetization scheme as well as its twisted algorithms, which drive content creators like Cody to engage in dangerous behavior just to get viewers on their channel.

AvE, YouTube star and friend of Cody, told reporters, Every year YouTube pays just half what they paid last year, and guys like Cody are chasing that dragon, trying to make a living, and in a lot of ways, YouTube is to blame here.

This August, AvE was hospitalized after his penis was injured in a pneumatic vice accident while filming patreon exclusive content. Its fuckin insane what we do just to scrape a few bucks together to make and sha...


Ashbys Refusal To Drive Battler Bus Without High Beams Loses Crucial Truckie Vote The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT One Nations timid flyer printer turned political advisor turned battler bus driver, James Ashby has today revealed that hes not comfortable taking the high beams off even when an incoming truck is approaching. As Pauline Hanson makes her delayed entry to the Queensland election campaign this weekend, as a new poll shows []

The post Ashbys Refusal To Drive Battler Bus Without High Beams Loses Crucial Truckie Vote appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Makes Sense The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The recent allegations regarding an iconic NYC comedian actually isnt that hard to believe, when you look at the shit hes spent twenty years making jokes about. HBO says Louis C.K. will not appear on its upcoming autism benefit show Night of Too Many Stars. The cable network also says it is removing []

The post Makes Sense appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Energy giants SSE, Npower and Jedward agree merger NewsBiscuit

Two of the countrys Big Six energy companies, SSE and Npower, and so-called media typhoons Jedward are to merge to create the UKs largest and least stable energy provider. Spokespersons for SSE and Npower predict harnessing the natural exuberance of the perpetually motive entertainers could yield an output of energy greater by far than anything possible with nuclear energy, fossil fuel or even lighting a fatberg with a wick running through it.

The completed Jedward Power Tower would have the external specifications of a nuclear facility but would internally resemble a colossal toy shop with a rubber floor, engineers have confirmed. Kinetic energy generated from Jedwards hyperactivity would be collected by trampovoltaic cells embedded in the floor connected to a transformer which, as part of the agreement, would turn into a big truck when Jedward want to play with one.

e = Energy
m = Milkshakes
c = Universal Constant Activity of Jedward
experts predict Jedergy could reach at least 15 million homes, rising to 25 million when the boys operate in the rare silent mode.

Currently the twosome are already busy electrifying the public as they tour theatres up and down the country with their adaptation of a Shakespeare masterpiece called Othello Othello, accompanied by The Cheeky Girls and a supporting cast of twins. The revolutionary production has the stage divided in half allowing two simultaneous adjacent performances of Othello, in which the entire cast dies twice. The audience wear 3D glasses to engage in an immersive experience that raises hair everywhere, not just on the head.

It is understood the Irish double-dynamos are keen to high-five the merger as they have negotiated for themselves unlimited quantities of pop, crisps and hair gel as part of the deal. However, the industry regulator has yet to give the go-ahead; the boys have been told they are doing nothing else until they have tidied their room, which may take an e-on.



Tradies Conclude That Things Must Be Fucked As Engineer Lights A Durrie On Site The Betoota Advocate

A fresh-faced and squeaky clean graduate engineer has raised eyebrows this afternoon after sparking a PJ Gold onsite. 23 yo Dustin Willoughby was seen with eyes closed inhaling deeply on the premium cigarette before exhaling with a cathartic Ahh. Site Foreman Shane Saunders was first to voice the sentiments of the mixed-trade bridge construction crew. []

The post Tradies Conclude That Things Must Be Fucked As Engineer Lights A Durrie On Site appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Australian Parliament To Replace United Nations General Assembly

The United Nations will dismantle the General Assembly after realising that the Australian parliament is already fulfilling its role of providing a place where citizens from all countries of the world can gather to make laws together.

It used to be an old joke that there are more members of FIFA than there are of the UN but it turns out that the Australian parliament trumps them all, said UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. The only nation not represented is Chad but Im sure if we dig around a bit well find that someones granddad was born in NDjamena and well be able to string their flag up as well.

The Secretary General has instructed international supervillians looking to hold the world to ransom to direct all their demands to Canberra rather than the UN headquarters in New York City.

Were all pretty excited because this means that Angelina Jolie will be visiting Australia a lot more often, said federal health minister Greg Hunt who has now added the directorship of WHO to his portfolio. The world will become a more peaceful place if the Australian parliament is put in charge of all wars.

We cant get around to doing anything about energy prices and low wage growth so imagine how long it will take us to declare war on each other. Wed have...


Typical audience reaction to a bass solo The Poke

A video highlighting the usual problem of how bass players get absolutely no respect for their musical skills.

Its the polar opposite what trombone players get when they solo.

The post Typical audience reaction to a bass solo appeared first on The Poke.


Your 3-second guide to Kevin Spaceys career right now The Poke

Yep, pretty much sums it up.

The actor has been edited out of a new movie before it has been released, with entirely new scenes filmed with Christopher Plummer in Spaceys place.

It got people thinking

The post Your 3-second guide to Kevin Spaceys career right now appeared first on...


This dogs reaction when it sees its reflection will get you every time The Poke

Keep this somewhere safe and watch it when you need cheering up.


Oh, go on then.


The post This dogs reaction when it sees its reflection will get you every time appeared first on The Poke.


It was easier than getting through to HMRC, Apple explains NewsBiscuit

Apple has denied purposely avoiding paying billions of pounds in tax and claimed that its complex financial arrangements were only adopted after being repeatedly put on hold by the HMRC helpline. We want to pay tax says Head of Corporate Finance Fenton Barnes. When we rang we spent hours listening to a tinny rendition of Vivaldis Four Seasons, then when we eventually got through the guy couldnt help us and said he would get his colleague to call us back.

The company therefore developed a highly complicated tax structure which involved setting up a series of ghost companies in multiple locations. Just as we finished implementing that strategy, a guy called Kevin called back and said that he would have to run our queries past his boss, said Barnes. That was in 2012 and were still waiting for him to call back. When challenged, an HMRC spokesman said that the enquiry was very important to them and it would comment when the next available operative was free


Doctor Who: first woman Doctors new look unveiled our favourite responses online The Poke

Heres what the first woman Doctor looks like in her new costume and with her new-look Tardis.

Jodie Whittakers unveiling earlier this year was welcomed by most people, along with some hilarious bleating by various man children still crying in the shower.

Here are some of our favourite responses to the Doctors new look, unveiled today.






Pop-Punk Singer Urges Crowd to Respect Women Besides the Ones He Sings About The Hard Times

ASBURY PARK, N.J. Foul Ball frontman Brendan Campbell declared during a show last night that all women deserve to be treated with respect, making an unspoken exception for the female subjects of his songs, witnesses confirmed.

They just played You Are Miserys Company when Brendan said, If you dont respect women, then, fuck you! Youre not welcome here, said longtime fan Jared Ballel. Everyone cheered, but got a lot louder when they jumped into Pretty Little Liar, a song about Campbells ex-girlfriends alleged dishonesty and the tension caused between the singer and his friends.

Campbells between-song banter reportedly vacillated between pleas for equality and explanations for his deeply troubling lyrics.

I remember when he started getting political. He said, We have real clown in the White House right now just remember, the future is female, said Debbie Williams, who has now seen Foul Ball twice opening for other bands. But then he added, But if that female only exists to drive a wedge between you and your friends, then she needs to go. Never trust a pretty face, and then, sure enough, they played Unfriend Zone.

As their set came to a close, Campbell only added to his respect for women at large, if not for specific women.


Being a feminist means treating your girl friends just like your guy friends, Campbell said. And if one of my guy friends slept with all of my guy friends, Id call him a painted whore, too. It doesnt matter that we arent dating. He could get a disease.

This next one is called Painted Whore, he added.

Leading into fan favorite, Captain Insano Shows No Mercy, which features the lyrics Ill keep you in my heart / Ill keep you in my fridge, Campbell dedicated the remainder of the set to one woman, who remained anonymous because he didnt want to name names, but shes fake and lost the real respect we have for real women.

At press time, Campbell was offering Foul Balls new LP for free to any woman willing to expose her breasts.

Head over to our virtual merch table and spend all your hard earned dollars:



Man gets drunk, loses his driving licence and then things get worse The Poke

Many of us have made regrettable purchases when drunk, but this particular tale has a very unexpected twist.



35 years ago today, The Young Ones made their debut on the BBC The Poke

On this day in 1982 The Young Ones was first broadcast on BBC2 here are seven important things we learned from the show, you big bottom boil.

1. How to host a memorable party.

2. The importance of doing laundry.

3. Getting on with your housemates.

4. How to deal with an atom bomb in your kitchen.

5. Always pay attention to warning signs.

6. How to behave on University Challenge.

7. Why you should know where your food comes from.

The post 35 years ago today, The Young Ones made their debut on the BBC appeared first on The Poke.


We Asked 5 Executives the Key to Success and They Just Masturbated in Front of Us The Hard Times

Success in todays business world is hard to come by, so we asked five executives for any advice they might have to share. Once you get past all the jerking off stuff, there are some really good tips for climbing todays corporate ladder!

John Anderson, Senior VP of Commerce, Best Buy

How does this big box store stay in business while so many of its competitors have failed to adapt to the digital marketplace? We asked Mr. Anderson, who did not hesitate to inform us that he was getting a little turned on. After blocking the door and proceeding to furiously masturbate, he said something about the Geek Squad providing a personal service that many older customers are unable or unwilling to learn. Although he did warn us of the need to plan ahead as consumer bases shift to the next generation. And then he came. Thanks, Mr. Anderson!

Chad Barkell, Senior Executive, Samsung

How do you stay on top in an aggressive field? According to Mr. Barkell, its easy! Just get on top of your competition, dont let them out from under you, and ask them if they wouldnt mind pinching your nipples or something. Barkell was a true gentleman and happily displayed these techniques for us in his private office.

Related: As an Ally I Only Masturbate to Pornography Featuring POC


Winston Crackerbarrel, CEO, Cracker Barrel

A folksy chain restaurant that doubles as a gift shop? What kind of mind could make this work? A resilient one that doesnt back down in the face of long odds or when a reporter asks him to stop masturbating. Mr. Crackerbarrel told me that when he had his initial idea there was no shortage of naysayers and that you have to cut those people out of your life. He said the only word an executive doesnt understand, is no.

Glenn Stevens, VP of Programming, Bravo

So this one was already masturbating when we walked in. He kept panting while he told us its his moral obligation to get more women working in media specifically in his office. Such passion!

Joshua Cunningham, Unemployed Homeless Man

While not a successful businessman (just yet!), this young entrepreneur we met on the streets between interviews showed the same moxie and dedication to public masturbation that it clearly takes to succeed in todays business world. The lesson here? Its never too early to start practicing the habits of highly successful people!

Dress to impress the masturbating executive in your office:

Thursday, 09 November


Theresa May rounded off another shit day by paying homage to Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre The Poke

After another shit day in the office, so-called prime minister Theresa May found the perfect way to wind down last night paying tribute to Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre.

Here are our favourite responses online.







Donald Trump tweeting about his first year in power was as warmly received as youd expect The Poke

One year after Donald Trumps election win, and hes still gloating about it like a toddler who has done his first big boy toilet.

First a quick bit of fact-checking about that MASSIVE claim.

As youd expect, there was a lot of piss taking and mentions of prison.


Andy Murrays butcher created this meaty tribute to celebrate the birth of his daughter The Poke

The Scottish Sun writes that the Dunblane butcher re-created a model of the tot made out of Lorne sausage with links for her arms and even complete with wacky eyes.

His heart (no pun intended) was probably in the right place, but not everyone was convinced.



Priti Patel named as new James Bond NewsBiscuit

Following her dismissal from the government, Pinewood Studios has announced that Priti Patel will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond and is already shooting her first film. This decision was taken based on Patels ability to travel abroad, disguised as a simple holidaymaker, and conduct high level intrigue without arousing suspicion anywhere.

One leaked scene from the film shows Patel meeting Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, himself disguised as a brush salesman. Patel tells him that her company, Universal Exports, might be able to can supply him with some more brushes on the sly. Netanyahu is ecstatic, saying At last well be able to wipe out the Palestinians! Or rather sweep them up, since were just talking about brushes, obviously.

The fact that her name sounds like a bad pun helped too, admitted a studio spokesman. Not quite up there with Pussy Galore but still



This falafel meal deal is a perfect replacement for the lyrics to Wonderwall The Poke

I said maybe, youre gonna be the one that saves me

The post This falafel meal deal is a perfect replacement for the lyrics to Wonderwall appeared first on The Poke.


Heroic Video Game Designer Gives Female Protagonist Average-Sized Breasts The Hard Times

AMSTERDAM Honored for his astounding design work on the fantasy roleplaying game Horizon Zero Dawn, Guerrilla Games senior producer Jochen Willemsen proudly accepted an award from his peers for creating a female companion with average-sized boobs.

I will admit there were mornings where I woke up and never thought Id see this day especially the ones where I had morning wood, said Willemsen, as he accepted the Outstanding Achievement in Game Design award from the European Game Critics Association. Fortunately, I learned that I could be titillated by any size pair of breasts and that personal growth is what led me to this day.  Thank you everybody.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Willemsens co-workers spoke glowingly of his courage and determination to break barriers in an industry notorious for its risk averseness, especially when it comes to titties.

When Jochen came up to me and said he wanted to give our character a C-cup instead of a perky G-cup I almost fired him on the spot, said Horizon Zero Dawn writer Ben Schroder. I am so glad I didnt; once he mocked-up some models of Aloy in a fur belly-shirt and realistic breasts, I surprisingly found myself still aroused so I greenlit it.

Im glad we could find a compromise with a character that promotes body positivity while still inspiring me to jerk off in the company bathroom, he added.

At press time, despite the celebratory mood at the studio, not everyone was happy with the joyous occasion.

Is this how it felt when everyone in America was celebrating women finally being allowed to vote? said dejected game developer Florentina Neagu, sitti...

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