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Wednesday, 11 July

00:06

Money Saved Building Gaming PC Spent on Unplayed Games The Hard Times

DENVER Sarah McDonald has reportedly spent the estimated $310 she saved by building a custom gaming PC on titles shell never play from the Steam Summer Sale.

Holy hell, the games are so cheap! McDonald told reporters. The Witcher 3 is the one about Slovak vampires, right? That sounds pretty cool. They even released an XCOM 2 expansion, count me in. Talk about a game you couldnt play without a mouse and keyboard. I cant believe I used to own an Xbox. Sure its easier, if youre technologically illiterate.

After spending months painstakingly researching price to performance ratios, computational bottlenecks and historical price charts, McDonald allegedly used all of her collected savings to purchase every Game of the Year edition available on Steam, a dozen releases that scored over 85 on Metacritic, and a handful of older titles she never had been able to run on her childhood PC.

Read More From Hard DriveWhy Spend $80 on an SNES Classic When You Can Install Emulators on a Raspberry Pi and Never Shut the Fuck Up About It?

I mean, sure I havent played, installed, or downloaded any of them yet, but they were on sale, McDonald said. I mostly play Rocket League. Can you believe they expect you to pay for a hat? It doesnt even make you faster or anything! Although, those pixelated sunglasses are kind of cute. Aw hell, whats $5 when I saved all this money?

Friends of McDonalds have reported concern about her recent spending habits, speculating that they have gotten out of control.

Honestly, it has become an addiction, said one acquaintance that wished to remain anonymous.  She has dozens of games she doesnt even remembering purchasing. We were supposed to be saving up to go to Comic-Con International, and she goes and buys Shovel Knight, the FFXV port and a simulator for every occupation you can think of. All because she thinks she saved money from building her own PC. That money is long gone.

As of press time, McDonald had expressed interest in finally getting good a...

00:00

New Brexit secretary resigns before getting to his office NewsBiscuit

In what is thought to be a record even for Theresa Mays administration, her new choice for Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, has resigned before she even had the chance to properly appoint him.

Raab, who is not a type of car, was a surprise choice for the post, having hitherto held a relatively junior position at the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, as Minister for Tinned Vegetables.

However, he said that Mays seeking to appoint him to the post had placed him in a position where he had to examine his conscience and consider how he could best serve his country. And besides, I dont want to be the duffer holding the parcel when it blows up in my face.

As his replacement, May is said to be considering one of the traffic cones currently outside Downing Street. On hearing the news, the traffic cone started drafting its resignation letter immediately.

00:00

Americans didnt get this joke because their eggs are always in the same place The Poke

Heres something from @jackbern23 that will ring true with anyone whos ever tried to buy eggs in a supermarket. So most of us, then.

How much did it resonate with people? This much.

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Tuesday, 10 July

23:40

This thread about Trump and Europe went viral because its as grim as it is real The Poke

This thread by former US ambassador Dan Shapiro about Donald Trumps impending visit to Europe went viral because, well, have a read for yourself.

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23:30

Bono Teams Up with Elon Musk to Create First Self-Praising Car The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Tech billionaire Elon Musk and legendary U2 frontman Bono announced today that, after years of testing and research, their team finally has invented the worlds first 100 percent fully self-praising car.

The Tesla Applause is set to hit the market later this year.


They say, Great minds think alike, Musk proclaimed in his opening remarks during their crowded press conference. And, my friends youre looking at two of the greatest minds around. What weve done with this car will change the way you drive forever.

The world will look back on this car as the first one to truly make a difference, Bono said passionately. Its time for a car that boldly makes a statement: the future is here, and were moving forward, with or without you.

Did you catch that reference? Bono then asked. Pretty sweet, huh?

Were not asking for a thank you, but it wouldnt be out of order at this time, Musk added, pausing for a brief smattering of applause.

Related:

While the first cars wont hit dealerships until later this year, a few lucky fans were allowed to test drive a prototype, with mixed results.

Dont get me wrong, its a really smooth ride, said tester Natalie Eisner, who drove the car for 30 minutes. But the dash screen chimes in every five minutes to tell you how much gas youre saving, and Bono himself slapped my hand away when I tried to turn it off. Plus, theres no radio its just U2s Greatest Hits on repeat, with a Grimes song thrown in every once in a while. At one point, Grimes was playing over a U2 song, and the dash display just said Yas, yas, yas!

As the press conference came to a close, Bono and Musk reiterated their commitment to using technology to create a better world with another stunning announcement.

At this very moment, we are donating an Applause to Africa by dropping it from fucking space! Musk shouted excitedly, doing a weird little hop and fist jab.

Witnesses confirmed that, when asked where in Africa the car would land, or what an impoverished nation would do with a $200,000 car, Musk and Bono were already speeding towards the sunset, cackling maniacally.

Photo by Ma...

22:37

Only 5 cabinet jokes you need right now The Poke

Theresa May unveiled her new look cabinet today AKA the only people left who would say yes.

And here are the only 5 cabinet jokes you need.

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22:00

Enough Talk of Assassinating the President, Real Change Happens by Assassinating at the Local Level The Hard Times

I am so sick of hearing people complain about this administration and their idealistic, unrealistic expectations of assassinating Donald Trump. Does anyone really believe that would solve anything? Change starts from the bottom up. You need to roll up your sleeves and put in the work every day to foster social change in YOUR community. Real change doesnt happen at the presidential level. Drop the dreams and raise your cross-hairs on local politicians and city council members because real change starts at home.

When was the last time you wrote Donald Trump a letter and got a response? Ive responded to every one of his daily insane paranoid rambling tweets with a profanity-laden barrage of hate. Have I ever gotten a response? No.

But when I lit my local comptrollers cat on fire, who showed up? The law. And I got to stand in front of a real judge with a real jury and state real facts. Ground-up activism WORKS.

Take the story of the people of Grandfield, West Virginia. Their mayor was seen shaking hands with a KKK member and local activists had enough. They kidnapped him, held him in a dark basement without food for four days, and then cut his hands off before dumping his bleeding body in front of the hospital. And when they sent those hands in the mail, did they send them to the White House to get lost in the shuffle? No. They sent them to city hall where they got shit done. And then they got arrested but at least this act of protest was NOTICED.

Related: I Turn John Oliver Quotes Into Memes, What Are YOU Doing to Fight Fascism?

 

All Im saying is that local politicians are easier to connect with and violence committed against them has the capacity for real change. Would I like to shake hands with the president while packed with C4 explosives? Yes. Do I dream of one day beating him to death with a car jack? Of course, we all do. Do I fantasize about which method of execution I will receive? Duh! But these dreams are just that.

Take down the president and there is another stiff waiting to stand in his place. Light your State Senators house on fire with them locked inside and you have a recipe for a new tomorrow and a court date for next month.

Lets start where we can make a difference. Dream global, act local.

The post Enough Talk of Assassinating the President, Real Change Happens by Assassinating at the Local Level appeared first on The Hard Times.

21:28

This mans story went viral because its sad, lovely, and a lesson for us all The Poke

This is a chap called James Gleave who by his own admission usually tweets rubbish about transport and football.

But on one journey home he saw a woman who he thought might need some help and what happened next meant so much to him he shared it online.

His story resonated with so many people it went madly viral. This is why.

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21:12

This story of a vegan Subway customer learning a harsh truth has gone viral because its so brutal The Poke

As most people know, mayonnaise is a tasty condiment that makes a great accompaniment to everything from salad to spuds and contains, amongst other things, egg yolks. However, this vital ingredient had obviously escaped the notice of one vegan Subway customer.

Her story has been shared by Gabriel Caulfield-Bohlken, the Subway assistant who served her. He posted:

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat.

I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, can I get some mayo?

Of course, Gabriel knows how mayonnaise is made and wondered if he was having his leg pulled.

I look at her, shes looking at me, I pick up the mayo, Im waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: N-no it doesnt, I get mayo every time, are you sure?

Me: Yes maam, mayo has egg whites in it.

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girls world.

But Subway is, above all, a business and Gabriel had a job to do, regardless of this persons world collapsing around her.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: Would you like the mayo on it maam?

V: Sure, go ahead.

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: Thank you for coming, have a nice day!

She just looked at me, sighed, yea, Ill try and walked out.

And thats the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

The sad tale got a mixed reaction.

...

21:00

Johnson resignation triggers World Cup victory celebrations NewsBiscuit

To the chants of Hes going home! Doofballs going home, football fans were united in their glee that Boris Johnson will be exiting at the Semi-Final stage. Although England are yet to beat Croatia, England fans are now celebrating like it is the last days of Rome or Brexit as it is called.

With six ministerial resignations since the autumn, Bookies have shortened the odds on Theresa May winning the Golden Boot competition. Yet with David Davis no longer leading Brexit negotiations, at least England have a slim hope of a victory against Belgium.

One fan said: Ive waited since 1966 to see England win but it feels like Ive waited even longer for Boris to leave. When I heard, I just went nuts drinking everything in sight. I just hope Ive got a few tins left for when Michael Gove f$cks off.

Crowds lined the streets, with children on zip-wires hitting clown-shaped piatas, filled with candy, shaped like straight bananas. Despite this, Police have warned that if they get carried away there may be a celebration repair bill, but it cant be worse than the Brexit bill.

19:57

An MP no-ones heard of resigned and these 15 responses will make your day better The Poke

Amid the turmoil of resignations, reshuffling and journalistic post-mortems, you could be forgiven for missing the announcement that Chris Green MP, former Parliamentary Private Secretary at the Department for Transport, had also quit the government.

Those who noticed, however, all had the same reaction:

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19:45

Only 8 responses you need to Boris Johnson on todays Telegraph front page The Poke

You may have heard that Boris Johnson resigned yesterday and here he is pictured on the front of todays Daily Telegraph doing just that.

And these 8 responses say it all.

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19:27

YouGov did an ice lolly survey and people are furious The Poke

The good people of YouGov did a survey of the nations favourite ice lollies and people are, well, lets have a look at the results first.

Except not everyone thought it was a fair reflection of the nations tastes if these 17 responses are anything to go by.

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19:11

Harry Maguires response to a fans new tattoo will warm your heart The Poke

As World Cup fever engulfs the country, some people have been going to fairly extreme lengths to show their dedication. One fan, Matt Benton, vowed to get a tattoo of meme hero Harry Maguire if he managed to score against Sweden.

Which, of course, he did.

This is how it turned out.

18:29

15 hilariously scathing responses to Jeremy Hunt becoming Foreign Secretary The Poke

As Boris Johnson resigned from his post as Foreign Secretary, we were all keen to learn who would take over the mantle of this great office of state.

Then Theresa May made the extremely controversial appointment of Jeremy Hunt. This is how he reacted to the news.

And this is how the rest of us reacted.

Of course, it also meant that hed be leaving the NHS job.

These are our 15 favourite responses to the whole thing:

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17:02

Perth Man Shatters Stereotypes And Refrains From Asking Tourists If They Want Some Dexies The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A random half-pissed man in a prominent Perth hotel has broken free from his chains of conformity today and held an entire conversation without offering to sell any prescription medicines to out-of-towners. It was a real shock said local tourist, Otto Towner (27). We spoke about football and the weather for like twenty []

The post Perth Man Shatters Stereotypes And Refrains From Asking Tourists If They Want Some Dexies appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:57

Nigel Farage caught a shark and these 11 replies will make your day better The Poke

Poor Nigel Farage was feeling miserable about Brexit so he did what we all do when were feeling a bit down.

He went shark fishing.

And these 11 replies are just perfect.

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16:48

People are second guessing Nigel Farages next political move and theyre perfect The Poke

With a soft Brexit on the cards, Theresa Mays cabinet in disarray and only three months of negotiations left, Nigel Farage has been threatening to return to frontline politics.

On Monday evening, he tweeted a teaser for his LBC radio show.

These 13 replies pull no punches.

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16:41

Someones found the most British leaflet ever The Poke

Call off the search, someones found the most British leaflet ever, and its in London SW19.

Yep, thats the one.

16:25

Someone said David Davis did this and peoples responses made it even better The Poke

Say what you like about David Davis please but the man knows how to write a resignation letter.

Just look at this, spotted by someone called @MallowNews on Twitter.

Except, a bit like anything David Davis said about Brexit ever, all is not what it seems.

But some peoples responses only made it better.

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16:08

Australias Brief Interest In Bikesharing To Live On At The Bottom Of Sydney Harbour The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australias once seemingly booming share bike economy looks to be at an end, after two more companies announced they were pulling out of capital city markets leaving behind only the steel and plastic at the bottom of the Yarra River and Sydney Harbour. China-owned Ofo bikes and the Australian company Reddy Go []

The post Australias Brief Interest In Bikesharing To Live On At The Bottom Of Sydney Harbour appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:57

Coalition Frontbenchers Rock Off To See Who Has To Be Humiliated On Q&A Next Week The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has held his usual cabinet meeting this afternoon to decide which one of them will have to brave the ABCs Q&A programme next week. Malcolm Turnbull, aided by Michael McCormack (New Nationals Leader FYI), organised his team into a round-robin-style scissor-paper-rock tournament around 3pm this afternoon []

The post Coalition Frontbenchers Rock Off To See Who Has To Be Humiliated On Q&A Next Week appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:48

Scientists Uncover One Of The Leading Causes Of Toxic Masculinity The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Toxic Masculinity, what is it? and what causes it? Thats what several of Betootas brightest scientists from the Diamantina CSIRO have put their minds to, after receiving state Government funding to explore this phenomena further. However, it appears one of the leading causes has been sitting on top of the fridge right in []

The post Scientists Uncover One Of The Leading Causes Of Toxic Masculinity appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:12

New Older Man Friend Is Dating Coincidently Makes Bank The Betoota Advocate

BERNICE TWISP | Relationships | Contact Amy Henry is looking down at her phone as she mindlessly shovels a boiled chicken into her mouth. By the looks of things, many of her friends are overseas at the moment. Instagram story after Instagram story; one pal galavanting around the Greek islands; another mate is on the []

The post New Older Man Friend Is Dating Coincidently Makes Bank appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:42

Chubby Wynnum Kids Midgie Bites Still Going Strong 4 Months After Moreton Camping Trip The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A portly local 8-year-old with limited self-control has managed to consistently irritate a litter of sandfly bites right into the winter months. Its quite clear that Courtney Beesely, a local primary schooler from Brisbanes bayside, comes from a camping family given her non-stop show-and-tell stories about gutting jewfish and lighting fires. Despite []

The post Chubby Wynnum Kids Midgie Bites Still Going Strong 4 Months After Moreton Camping Trip appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:36

5 Tips To Help You Avoid Joining An African Gang The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT If youve been watching Channel 7s Sunday Night program, or listening to the Liberal politicians campaigning in Victorian by-elections, you would know that the biggest threat to the people of Melbourne right now is the small percentage of juvenile offenders within the Sudanese migrant community   which makes up just 0.1 per cent []

The post 5 Tips To Help You Avoid Joining An African Gang appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:24

Elon Musk Travels To Thailand To Help Extract Publicity The Shovel

elon musk

As the Thailand cave rescue efforts continued today, Elon Musk said he was on hand to do whatever he can to help extract publicity.

Deeply distressed by the amount of attention being gained by people risking their lives to save the boys, Musk said he had a cool submarine that could retrieve the same amount of attention in half the time, just with a few tweets.

With the situation becoming more desperate by the day, Musk says he will now consider sending a team of expert publicists to Thailand to help with the evacuation efforts.

A spokesperson for Musk said the conditions were terrible. Its taken an incredible toll on him. To endure more than ten days watching on while the worlds media is focused on something other than him it takes a lot of mental strength and courage.

_____________

By Alvaro Loustau

10:19

Half-Sick Colleague Heroically Comes Into Work To Carry Out Duty To Make Everyone Else Sick The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly unpopular bag of shit moonlighting as an account coordinator at a local multinational boutique advertising firm has today gallantly pulled himself together to come into work despite feeling quite unwell. With a sharp bark and a runny nose to boot, Lindsay Mulliscoles slammed back two paracetamol tablets over []

The post Half-Sick Colleague Heroically Comes Into Work To Carry Out Duty To Make Everyone Else Sick appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Ministers leaving party was model of unity and competent organisation says PM NewsBiscuit

The Conservatives leaving party for Ministers Boris Johnson and David Davis could not have gone any better said Prime Minister from the burnt out ruins of the venue this morning.  Everyone had a lovely time and the arrival of the fire brigade, the police and the ambulance services just go to show what popular ministers these two were, and just how many people wanted to come and wish them well.

The so-called Brexit p*ss up started slowly as the wrong brewery had been named on the invitation.  When they were finally ready to get the party started, it transpired there was no one to unlock the venue, no one to turn off the burglar alarm once they had broken in, so that nobody could be heard over the shouting and fighting.  Theresa May tried to give a speech standing on a flimsy rotten podium, but it collapsed and fractured the fuse box underneath, with the result that the whole place caught fire.  Nobody noticed as they were already distracted by Andrea Leadsom pulling the hair of Amber Rudd who was responding by biting her parliamentary colleague on the arm.  Fists were flying between prominent Conservative Brexiteers and Remainers, with Jacob Rees-Mogg challenging Nicky Morgan to a duel with pistols at dawn. The entire building collapsed when Boris Johnson drove the Brexit bus through the wall, promising that this would guarantee the safety of the structure.

The fire had already spread to the Conservative party offices which was burnt to the ground although it is expected to continue functioning as normal. Theresa May said things could not be going any better. At my casual Chequers away day, I asked my Conservative Ministers to break into small groups.  Im delighted that they have continued doing so ever since

 

08:19

United Nations Declares Mark Lathams Robocalls Cruel And Inhumane Punishment

The United Nation has today declared that Mark Lathams robocall to all voters in the seat of Longman on behalf of Pauline Hansons One Nation party is cruel and inhumane punishment.

We condemn Australia for subjecting its citizens to this cruel and quite frankly barbaric punishment, said a UN Spokesperson. I ask the Prime Minister is it Turnbull or Abbott? To intervene and stop the inhumane practice of subjecting Mark Lathams opinion onto innocent people.

When reached for comment Mr Latham said of the UN: If Ive offended them then I must be doing something right, eh. Now look all you precious snowflakes need to realise that by doing these calls Im not helping Pauline, Im helping Labor. Do you really think anyone who takes a call for me is going to listen to what I have to say?

Theyre going to do the opposite, ie vote Labor. I mean have you seen the ratings I draw on Skynews, theyre almost negative. No one listens to old Latho.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

06:57

Local Pie Thief located, killed in violent shootout TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

After weeks of investigation local man Lawerance Oddert, father of three, was killed in a violent shootout with police after stealing a pie that was cooling on old Miss Tennanbaums window sill. The police first started suspecting Oddert when he refus...

05:55

Coal Lobbyist Pegged To Head EPA Envisions A New Screwtopia For America Daily Discord

Tweet TowerWith the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, As

03:10

Someone did a Grow Babies egg and what grew was utterly terrifying The Poke

Remember those old toys that would grow into something else when placed in water, like dinosaurs, aliens or an exact replica of your old Maths teacher? Well, Tumblr user Iguanamouth found one in a charity shop and was curious about what might be in it. They put it in water and shared the journey. Every horrific step.

http://iguanamouth.tumblr.com/post/39960954466/iguanamouth-iguanamouth

The comments suggest people were a little freaked out.

At least we now know the answer to the age-old question Which came first, the hideous blob baby or the egg?

H/T boredpanda.com

The post...

02:56

Trump nominates Joseph Dredd to Supreme Court Stubhill News

Dredd beats Napolitano, Sheindlin and Reinhold for SCOTUS nomination.

02:14

7 David Davis tweets that suggest he was never really the man for the job The Poke

David Davis has quit as Secretary of State for Exiting the EU and people are divided over whether it was a principled stand or a cowardly retreat. These old David Davis tweets, however, suggest that he never actually understood how the EU works.

He was pretty confident that the UK could work out all its trade deals before leaving the EU something forbidden under EU rules as he showed in this string of tweets.

It didnt go down well when people realised the Brexit Secretary was woefully ignorant of crucial rules.

01:45

Zac Goldsmith said this about Boris Johnson and the replies are todays best thing The Poke

Heres Zac Goldsmith leaping to the defence of Boris Johnson after the foreign secretarys surprise (well, kind of) resignation today.

And the replies were more one of the more satisfying things about another chaotic day in the world of Brexit Britain.

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01:23

People are sharing the most on-brand thing they did as kids and these 23 are mostly terrifying The Poke

William Wordsworth said The child is father of the man and once you unpick that unlikely biological scenario, it transpires that he meant that you can tell what an adult will be like from what they were like as a child. Jacob Rees-Mogg proves his theory.

If thats the case, we should steer clear of quite a few of these 23 people. It began with a tweet from writer and illustrator, Mu Jones.

And people had plenty to share.

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01:16

Help! Make-A-Wish Gave This Kid A Sword, But It Turns Out Hes Much More Powerful Than Originally Perceived The Hard Times

Let me be the first to say, the Make-A-Wish Foundation is great. Ninety percent of the time they get it right, but after seeing a 41-pound child with a sword behead an entire hospital wing, I cant help but blame them.

Tommy Johnson is a terminally ill 9-year-old. He never says much, but boy was he excited when the Make-A-Wish Foundation came and brought him the medieval great sword he requested. Nobody expected him to use it, much less with extreme proficiency. Tommy warped a kind gesture into a means of conquest.

If anyone can read this, Im begging for your help. I fear I am next.

Related: Critical Oversight: John Cena Let This One Lucky Make-A-Wish Kid Pin Him for the WWE Title, but Now Hell Have to Defend It This Sunday vs Kane

 

Every hour, on the hour (I think- the passing of time eludes me as I hide under this crash cart), Tommy slams his weapon against the ground, screaming. I now believe this makes him stronger.

This all started maybe two days ago. He has seized the other patients wishes and used them to lure a slew of charitable celebrities to their doom. As his strength increases, I foresee only darkness.

Tommy is glaring in my direction as I write this. He knows. I dont have much longer. I really should have turned off the typing sound feature on my phones notes app.

If youre reading this and eligible for Make-A-Wish, for Gods sake, send drone strikes.

The post Help! Make-A-Wish Gave This Kid A Sword, But It Turns Out Hes Much More Powerful Than Originally Perceived appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:05

People loved the BBC News subtitles in the fallout of David Daviss resignation The Poke

People loved what the BBCs subtitles team did this morning while presenter Simon McCoy was outside Parliament discussing Brexit and David Daviss resignation.

There was obviously another big breaking story going on at the same time but, well, have a look for yourself.

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Perfect, just perfect.

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00:33

Boris Johnson quits and here are our favourite 19 responses so far The Poke

Boris Johnson has quit as foreign secretary less than 24 hours after his Brexit loving buddy David Davis resigned.

Here are our favourite 19 responses so far.

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00:29

ASCII Artist Sells Out by Taking That Huge GameFAQs Walkthrough Gig The Hard Times

BROOKLYN, N.Y.  Wunderkind ASCII artist darknessblade95 accepted a lucrative contract for an upcoming Final Fantasy VII GameFAQs strategy guide, sparking much debate in the New York City art scene.

Darknessblade95, born Mary Smith, announced the news with this update on her GeoCities page:

So theres been a ton of speculation about the GameFAQs thing and I just want to clear the air. I accepted! This could be a stepping stone to big opportunities like Myspace profiles and email signatures XD

Shes a sellout, plain and simple, fellow ASCII artist bLaCkRaIn1991 told Hard Drive via a Google Hangout that he kept referring to as the long-dead GChat. The scene was all about making raw, edgy art with the international standard for character encoding in electronic communication. All those lines of letters, numbers, and punctuation used to mean something. Not anymore, I guess. Not anymore.

Read More From Hard DriveUninspired Rule 34 Artist Just Going Through Motions of Drawing Sonic Eating Out Tails

The outcry against darknessblade95 was swift and venomous. Many fans printed her pieces on their parents computers so they could burn them outside her Brooklyn studio. One livid man even threw acid at her ASCII Crash Bandicoot currently on display at the Museum of Modern Art. The alleged vandal was later apprehended after bragging about the attack in a Club Penguin chat room.

Despite the backlash from her peers, GameFAQs was quick to defend the Spike TV Guys Choice Award-winning artist.

We couldnt be more excited about this new partnership, said GameFAQs spokesman iloveyuna69. Were leveraging darknessblade95s unique talent for thought-provoking art to enrich the 100-page .txt documents that made our brand famous. When players need an insanely detailed list of every gummi ship item in Kingdom Hearts or the full script for Blinx: The Time Sweeper, we know theyll come to GameFAQs.

At press time, darknessblade95s was familiarizing herself with the numerous free ASCII art generators available online. She told Hard Drive that although she used to look down on people that used them, they were now a necessity in her new role with the GameFAQs corporation.

The post...

00:00

David Davis; My work here is done NewsBiscuit

With the country divided, the cabinet in chaos, the Prime Minister hanging on to her job by a thread and the Brexit process descending into farce, Brexit Secretary David Davis has announced that he feels satisfied that his work is finished. As I said at the time, theres nothing simpler than Brexit thats why its gone so smoothly and theres really nothing I have to do it runs itself.

Frankly I found the job a little tiresome he explained on the way out. There was so little to do, so little that needing sorting out Id just go in every morning and work my way through Puzzler magazine and then change the speed dial settings on the office phone.

Im going to spend some time visiting National Trust properties. I actually resigned my membership and stopped paying the annual fees, but I am still demanding free access to all their stately homes and free coffee and scones in the tea rooms. The ball is in their court.

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Monday, 09 July

23:40

Watch this guys incredible reaction as his cat rudely interrupts his live interview The Poke

While Polish political scientist Jerzy Targalski was giving a serious interview on Dutch current affairs program, Nieuwsuur, he was rudely interrupted by his cat.

Judging by the nonchalant way he carries on, it must be a regular occurrence.

When someone shared the clip on Twitter, people were very impressed by his level of chill.

...

23:30

Iron Maiden Shirt Wondering What Its Doing at Urban Outfitters The Hard Times

AUSTIN, Texas A local Iron Maiden T-shirt came to the sudden realization yesterday, to its horror and disgust, that it was being sold at an Urban Outfitters retailer, according to sources also on display near the shirts rack.

Im not gonna lie. This is a serious let down, lamented the shirt, featuring longtime Iron Maiden mascot Eddie as The Trooper. I figured, when I was still in the box, that Id be unveiled at a live Iron Maiden show maybe a fest or something. Id already come to terms with being sold to a bald guy with a ponytail who lives in a van.


I realized I wasnt at Monsters of Rock when I saw so many younger customers, which OK, whatever, the shirt added. But on a rack at Urban Outfitters, between IDK Not Trump Tho shirts and rainbow-striped denim halter rompers? I dont think I deserve this. I thought I saw someone walk by with an Ozzy bobblehead, but other than that, I dont fit in with anything here.

The wistful shirt, fondly remembering production alongside other metal shirts, questioned how it arrived in such a lowly establishment.

When I was fresh off of the press, I was so pumped all my neighbors were Slayer, Megadeth, and Judas Priest shirts, said the shirt, trying to hide itself behind a Mr. Bubble display. Man. I sure hope those guys ended up in a better place than I did. I wouldnt even wish this on a Five Finger Death Punch shirt.

Related:

When reached for comment, an Urban Outfitters salesperson unfamiliar with the metal band admitted her excitement for the latest merchandise.

I actually kind of like these new shirts. Theyre pretty fierce, noted shift lead Megan Tucker. The name Iron Maiden is fire! If I had to guess, Id think maybe shes a designer probably from London or Paris or something.

These shirts would look super cute if maybe I could upcycle them into crop tops, she added. Insta would lose their shit!

At press time, the shirt had been sold to a 14-year-old who planned to cut the shirt into a scarf based on an idea from Pinterest.

The post...

22:18

People are sharing pictures of ancient settlements being exposed by hot weather The Poke

One (probably) unexpected consequence of the hot weather is a glimpse into our distant past, as explained much better than us by this person.

And this person.

And here is what they are talking about.

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21:49

This summer fete competition is the most British thing youll see this week The Poke

Well these are just awesome, as shared on Twitter by @HelenJMacDonald.

And here they are

Brilliant. And this was at a different fete, in a different category, but we rather like this too.

And heres what people made of them online.

21:33

Melanie Phillips suggested this and the replies were everything youd hope for The Poke

Heres broadcaster and journalist Melanie Phillips sharing her one-stop shop solution to the shambles currently known as Brexit Britain.

Well, yes, theres probably a parallel universe somewhere in which this might indeed be the ideal solution.

But these 17 replies to the former Daily Mail, now Times columnist are probably a tiny bit closer to reality.

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21:00

Metallica to play at Prince Louis christening NewsBiscuit

Some royal eyebrows are being raised as its been revealed that heavy metal band, Metallica, is to perform their iconic song, Enter Sandman, at Prince Louiss christening service later today.

Ardent Royal watchers assert this proves the young Royals are now hell-bent on pushing the familys stuffy and fuddy-duddy image into the modern age, following the recent break with tradition when during Harry and Meghans wedding the pop hit, Stand by Me, was performed by a gospel choir.

A source close to Prince William said: Although they dont look the type William and Kate love heavy metal and tatts and would rather have what they call some real music instead of the usual Vaughan Williams boring old classical crap at the sprogs service.

Buckingham Palace announced that the Queen and Prince Phillip will not be attending the christening, as they were more into death metal.

20:55

11 things you need to know about new Brexit secretary Dominic Raab The Poke

Dominic Raab, the governments former Google, Google housing minister is the new Brexit secretary after David Davis resigned late on Sunday night.

Just in case youre not entirely up to speed on the new person in charge of Brexit, heres all you need to know.

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20:47

4 reasons Dominic Raab cant be any worse than David D oh. Oh god no The Poke

Theresa May has appointed housing minister Dominic Raab as the new Brexit secretary after David Daviss resignation late on Sunday night.

And if theres one thing we can be sure of, he cant be as bad as David Davis, right?

Er, well, lets take a look at these headlines helpfully collected by @Astro_Jonny on Twitter.

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Just the person for the job, obviously.

...

19:44

England fans in Leek recreated the Fat Les video and theyre all winners The Poke

Of all the England celebrations after the 2-0 quarter final win over Sweden, this might be our favourite.

Stick with it, because it gets better and better.

If you think it looks (and sounds) familiar then youd be right.

Source

The post England fans in Leek recreated the Fat Les video and theyre all winners appeared first on The Poke.

19:35

Queensland Considers Turning Ipswich Off At The Wall And Trying Again The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The people of Queensland have today decided it might be time to start again with Ipswich. This follows the breathtaking South East Queensland river city of Ipswichs dismissal of its second mayor in 18 months, before the state government decided that the entire City Council should be sacked and have administrators appointed. []

The post Queensland Considers Turning Ipswich Off At The Wall And Trying Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:09

This Emmerdale actresss weirdest fan experience is so much weirder than you expect The Poke

Spotted in the Sunday Mirror by @bellamackie on Twitter, the final question in this Emmerdale actresss Q&A takes an unexpected turn.

A really unexpected turn.

I beg your pardon?

Were with this person.

Source

The post This Emmerdale actresss weirdest fan experience is so much weirder than you expect appeared first on The Poke.

19:00

Nations husbands call for lawnmower ban NewsBiscuit

oh, go on, please?!Four UK water companies have lifted the last hosepipe bans, triggering calls by Britains husbands to introduce a lawnmower ban instead in order to prevent dangerous levels of nagging about the state of the nations gardens.

Abnormal levels of rainfall during the recent drought have left gardens across the UK in a state of parlous overgrowth. Were at a very volatile juncture, said husbands rights campaigner Brian Grahame, 50. If the government doesnt take immediate action, well be faced with a tidal wave of nagging from er or, increasingly nowadays, im indoors to get the lawnmower out. And nobody wants that, believe you me. Think of the noise. Of the mowers, as well as the nagging.

Grahame insists that the crisis is the greatest threat to the peace and quiet enjoyed by British husbands since the Major government introduced Sunday shopping in 1994, which saw countless husbands driven out of their sheds in order to convey wives and shopping bags to and from out-of-town shopping locations.

Weve actually had a reasonably successful summer up to this point, Grahame explained. The latest figures show that tinkering in the shed has been at an all-time high, aided by the wet weather which tends to put the missuses off from going outside to poke their noses in and spoil a nice quiet afternoon with moaning about housework, teenagers or, of course, so-called half-finished DIY.

But the picture for the next quarter was much bleaker. A lawnmower ban may be the only way to preserve our peaceful existence, Grahame warned. Our only other hope is persuading this EL James bird to knock out another Fifty Shades book I dont know whats in it but I didnt hear a peep from my Maureen for 12 days when the last one came out.

17:31

Tommy Raudonikis Brought In As Australian Basketball Coach Following Philippines Incident The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Basketball Australia has made a sensational call today amidst the continued fallout from the brawl in last weekends match with the Philippines. Australias national basketball team, the Boomers, made headlines around the world a week ago after getting involved in a good old-fashioned all in the stink with their Filipino counterparts.   []

The post Tommy Raudonikis Brought In As Australian Basketball Coach Following Philippines Incident appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:19

Tea Now At Point Where Its Either Finished In One Warm Shot Or Thrown Down The Sink The Betoota Advocate

MIKE BLAKE | Food | Contact The fate of a cup of tea left idle in a semi-detached Betoota Heights granny flat couldve gone either way this morning after the person who brewed it faced a common dilemma. Is the tea worth drinking, now that its only a few degrees above room temperature or should she just throw []

The post Tea Now At Point Where Its Either Finished In One Warm Shot Or Thrown Down The Sink appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:47

Brexit secretary Davis Davis resigns our favourite 33 responses The Poke

David Davis resigned from the government late on Sunday night in protest at Theresa Mays Brexit plan.

At least its one exit the Brexit secretary has successfully managed to negotiate.

Unlike the news stories these 33 responses will leave you with a smile on your face.

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16:34

Overconfident Intern Forgets Who The Fuck Shes Talking To And Signs Off Email With Cheers The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local unpaid seat-filling intern, Jessica Bardon (22) has today shown a little bit too much familiarity within the multinational media company she will never be hired by. The media time check and data entry specialist has today shown just how little she cares about a career in this industry, after sending through []

The post Overconfident Intern Forgets Who The Fuck Shes Talking To And Signs Off Email With Cheers appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:20

Favourite 11 captions to this picture of England hero Harry Maguire The Poke

There has been no shortage of memorable England pictures from the World Cup so far but not many of them have caught peoples imagination quite like this one.

Its Englands quarter final hero Harry Maguire talking to well, what is he doing exactly?

Here are the funniest 11 captions weve seen so far (and do add yours in the comments).

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15:26

Alarm Clock Stopped At 01:32 TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

An alarm clock owner in the Cambodian second-city of Battambang has told of how he awoke late this morning, after his normally-reliable alarm clock failed to wake him up at the normal agreed time. Moys Kenwood, 55, sets his gray-colored Tesco alar...

13:47

Soul Of Rapidly Gentrifying Suburb Officially Dies As Dapper Gent Barber Shop Opens The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time in the not-too-distant past where a young man or woman could enjoy an evening in the French Quarter and still feel like they were alive. Nights could take you anywhere. Whether it be shovelling or sticking a Class A Banned Substance into your sickly body, unprotected sex []

The post Soul Of Rapidly Gentrifying Suburb Officially Dies As Dapper Gent Barber Shop Opens appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:41

Shannon Noll Apologises For Going Full Condobolin On The Little Private School Motherfucker The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Nostalgic Australian country-pop-rock singer/songwriter/coverartist Shannon Noll has today apologised after a video capturing a foul-mouthed rant in which he threatened to punch a concertgoer, and encouraged other audience members to punch him, went viral over the weekend. The singer had been performing at the Duck Creek Picnic Races in Nyngan when his []

The post Shannon Noll Apologises For Going Full Condobolin On The Little Private School Motherfucker appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:39

Bob Katter Decides To Be Black Again For NAIDOC Week The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prominent Outback Queensland MP Bob Katter has this week thrown around a few deadlys and referred to the entire Aboriginal community of Australia as us mob NAIDOC Week 2018 celebrates the invaluable contributions Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women are making to our communities, our families, our rich history and to our []

The post Bob Katter Decides To Be Black Again For NAIDOC Week appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:09

Mature-Age Student Adds Another Valuable Family-Related Anecdote To Class Discussion The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Classes have resumed at South Betoota Polytechnic College this week and one of the only journalism students without brain matter leaking out of their ears is Graham Jenkins. Not because he didnt try but because hes 49-years-old. In JRN302 this morning, nearly everyone in class was still barely conscious after the first []

The post Mature-Age Student Adds Another Valuable Family-Related Anecdote To Class Discussion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:49

Daredevil Visits America Without Travel Insurance The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A reckless young man hellbent of taking a multitude of unnecessary risks has just checked in with The Advocate this morning while enjoying his North American Odyssey. Peter Songgrid, of Betoota Heights, also said he thought travel insurance was unessecary. Theres no point in living if you can feel alive, []

The post Daredevil Visits America Without Travel Insurance appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Isnt Wimbledon interesting this year, says Scotland NewsBiscuit

The people of Scotland are completely absorbed in this years Wimbledon Championship, it has emerged. Despite the withdrawal of home favourite Andy Murray Scots up and down the country are completely engrossed in the tournament in the absence of any other major sporting events taking place at the moment.

We cant get enough of the tennis this summer says sports fan Jenny McKay from Edinburgh. Everyone at work is talking about whether Federer can retain his title, or will Nadal claim another grand slam? And what about all the top seeds falling in the womens draw? When theres no other sport on the telly you can always rely on Wimbledon to fill the gap.

The start of this years Tour de France has also been welcomed by many Scots.

I love all sports says Cumbernauld man Tony Robertson. So the start of three weeks of cycling is great news.  Theres been a real dearth of major sporting events in the last month or so, apart from Henley Regatta of course, which we Scots are also mad for.

The Open golf starts soon and then the West Highland Tiddlywinks Championship is on at the end of the month. Then were almost into August and the start of the new football season. The summer can be difficult for a big football fan like me, particularly when there hasnt been any football on at all since May. None whatsoever, zilch, nada, didly-squat. I wish that English bloke who lives upstairs would stop cheering. Love Island isnt that exciting.

08:36

David Leyonhjelm Revealed As Latest Chris Lilley Character

Comedian Chris Lilley has broken character to reveal that Liberal Democrats Senator David Leyonhjelm is in fact played by the comedian himself dressing up in bald face.

It started as a joke I thought you know Id run for Senate as David and see where it goes, said the Comedian.But things kept snowballing and before I knew it I was in the Senate abusing Sarah Hanson Young.

I have to step back as Ive definitely taken this way too far.

When asked why now to reveal himself rather than at the last election the comedian replied: I never thought it would get this far, I mean whod vote for a Liberal democrat?

Then when I started talking about my policies I thought thatll turn people off. I said we need to repeal gun laws. Surely no idiot would vote for that. But I was wrong. Now Im being sued so I have to reveal Myself as I wish to claim satire as a defense.

Now if youll excuse me Im off to do what I do best, dress up in black face and mock migrants.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on...

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Thursday, 21 June

22:22

Longest Day Over TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The longest day - the day when there is more daylight than any other day in the year - is over! The longest day always falls between 20 and 22 June, and this year it is on Thursday 21 June. However, as this story has probably been waiting in 'Appr...

21:13

Trump Revokes Pilgrim Fathers' Citizenship TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In an entirely unexpected executive order today, US President and so-called leader of the free world, Donald J. Trump revoked the US citizenship and confiscated passports from the Pilgrim Fathers and their descendants, thus rendering them stateless.

14:56

Students As Uninterested As Teacher Was, In Pointless Project TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A Science project at a school in Battambang attracted about as much interest from students as it did from their foreign teacher - that is, none. The children, all aged around 11, were required by the school authorities to participate in the projec...

Wednesday, 20 June

14:39

Woman Who Is Always Right, Proved Wrong, Kind Of... TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A woman who insists that she is right all the time has been proved wrong. Kind of. The woman, Lesley Jhonson, was once told that she should spell her name 'Johnson', but wouldn't budge, even though her family, as far back as the Domesday Book, ha...

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