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Tuesday, 15 May

00:31

Ive Been Kicked out of Sexier Cults Than This The Hard Times

You think youre better than me dont you? Look at you all- wearing your robes of judgement, chanting Exile, shielding your leaders eyes from the sight of me. I bet it makes you all feel pretty big casting me out like this, doesnt it? Well I got news for you, I dont give a rats ass about this banishment. Ive been kicked out of way sexier cults than this one, believe me!

You guys think youre such hot shit. Please. You guys make Heavens Gate look like NXIVM.

What you call an orgy I call a tuesday. Thats the goddesss honest truth. Look at this place! Condoms? Hypoallergenic lubricant? Safe Words?! Are you idiots trying to make a moon child or are you starting a fucking day care?!

Now Children of God, THERE was a sexy cult. Those hippies knew how to bone. This? This is just sad.

I should have smelled amateur fuck cult on you noobs since day one. Making me jack off in that coffin. Could you be any more cliche? You didnt even ask any good interrogation questions! Have you ever killed anyone? Have you ever had sexual thoughts about a family member? Talk about basic.

Thats you guys. Basic. Youre a basic bitch cult. Thats what I think of you.

Related: Am I the Ugly Guy in This Cult?

Hell, I was halfway out the door anyway! I know they say to never leave a cult before you have another cult lined up but theres only so much lame shit one man can take. I got my dick wet more than this in Jonestown and we were STARVING for fucks sake!

And here I thought Waco wasnt sexy. At least David Koresh did blow! What kind of a cult leader doesnt know how to score a decent bag of cocaine? Hell Ive had better coke orgies when I took classes at the UCB and theyre not even technically a cult! .

If any of you plebs need me Ill be crashing on Jordan Petersons couch gettin my fuck on. Laters.

The post Ive Been Kicked out of Sexier Cults Than This appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:12

People have been telling a story in one tweet and here are 9 of the best The Poke

People have been telling tales in 280 characters or less using the hashtag #tellastoryinonetweet.

Here are 9 of the best.

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00:00

Britain To Be Excluded From Channel Tunnel After Brexit NewsBiscuit

The channel tunnel was a joint project between two countries which at the present time are part of the EU stated a representative of the Departement de Fabrication des Statements de lEU yesterday And this of course means that the tunnel is an EU project.

Naturally, if Great Britain chooses no longer to be part of the EU in future, then it is not reasonable for her to to continue to expect access to this EU tunnel.

Nevertheless we are not going to be unreasonable about this. Britain will be an independent country, free to do as she chooses, and that includes what she may do with her end of the tunnel. We will only be closing off the end which is in France.

However upon hearing the news Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, one of the prime movers instrumental in securing the Brexit win hit back. Speaking on LBC he delivered this stark ultimatum to France: Hmm yes aherm I-I-I-I-I well mmmso there!

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Monday, 14 May

23:54

Man Who Did Dishes Rewards Self With 8-Hour Gaming Binge The Hard Times

DECATUR, Ga. After local gamer Joe Massel spent thirty minutes washing a sinkful of dishes, he reportedly congratulated himself on completing the chore by going on a gaming marathon that lasted well past midnight.

I was adulting pretty hard and felt like I earned it, Massel said to himself, according to close sources. I think my thirty minutes of good work definitely deserves eight hours of PUBG, that ratio makes complete sense to me.

Read More From Hard Drive: Mans Gamertag Says Pretty Much All You Need to Know About Him

Massel has also recently applauded himself for doing his laundry, taking out the garbage before maggots appear, and scooping his cats litter-box, all normal household tasks that were swiftly rewarded with a night of vintage Sega Genesis games, a saturday of nothing but Yakuza 6, and an all-day Super Smash Bros. tournament.

Hes thirty-seven, said friend Carter Tomlinson, and he finds that being a functional human being is an arduous task. The time I made him clean his shower because it was growing mold, I didnt seem again him until he completed Xenoblade Chronicles 2.

At press time, Massel completed a seventy-two-hour marathon of Elder Scrolls Online after successfully visiting his grandmother in hospice.

The post Man Who Did Dishes Rewards Self With 8-Hour Gaming Binge appeared first on The Hard Times.

23:33

Some people arent happy with this gammon thing and here are the only 11 responses you need The Poke

Theres been a backlash against the use of the term gammon to describe white men of a certain age and political viewpoint.

You know, people like this.

Some people say its wrong to call people gammon, offensive even, and should be stopped forthwith.

People like this MP, for instance.

Its prompted no end of debate online, as you might imagine, and here are our favourite responses to the whole thing.

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23:30

Lumineers Frontman Shatters Foot During Stomp Solo The Hard Times

DENVER Lumineers lead singer Wesley Schultz shattered his right foot last night in a frenzied stomping solo during a hometown concert, sources close to the injured musician confirmed.

I feel terrible for our fans, said Schultz from a hospital bed. They pay good money for our foot stomps, hand claps, and yelling Ho, Hey! like a folk-rock Naughty by Nature. It breaks my heart to let them down like this. Im hoping I can make a speedy recovery I need to show the world this injury cant stop my rhythmic stomping. Its festival season.

While Schultz is expected to fully recover in 3-4 months, the bands doctor claimed the injury could have been avoided with proper footwear selection.

Look, I know the dusty, old boots fit in with whatever faux-Americana gimmick theyre trying to pull, said surgeon Claudia Castillo, looking over X-rays of the injured foot. The fact is, if hed had a decent pair of cross trainers with real ankle support, this probably never would have happened. I think the suspenders and pork pie hats carry the look well enough they shouldnt be sacrificing safety for aesthetics.

Related:

During Schultzs absence, the band will look to replicate his production live a task that may be easier said than done.

If we were in the studio, we could beef up my stomps in the mix and get by, said percussionist Jeremiah Fraites, wrapping his foot in thick gauze for tonights show. But up on that stage, theres no faking it. If I dont bring my best stomps, those fans will throw their mustache combs at me all night. We dont want another Tampa on our hands.

At press time, the band were closing in on a deal with Mumford and Sons to receive two of their best stompers in exchange for the Lumineers second-round draft pick and three minor league prospects.

The post Lumineers Frontman Shatters Foot During Stomp Solo appeared first on The Hard Times.

22:23

A woman was very confused by the name of her travel charger and then it clicked The Poke

Pdraig Belton went on Twitter to remember the time his friend was very, very confused by the name of her travel charger.

Its been two years. So its worth revisiting the time a friend was slightly confused by her + Jews! travel charger

And you can see why, to be honest. And then, it clicked.

Well its easy to spot once its been pointed out (turn your phone upside down if you dont believe us).

And it got people sharing other logo fails like these

21:00

Royal Wedding Bun Fight NewsBiscuit

A furious row has broken out in Westminster over an initiative by UK Food Banks to celebrate the upcoming Royal Wedding on May 19th. In line with Meghan and Harrys desire for the whole nation to celebrate with them, all UK food banks announced that they intend including an extra 500g bag of pasta in all their clients rations.

But the idea, to be known as Meghans Meal, was furiously condemned as a recipe for disaster, by Esther McVey Minister for Work and Pensions. Speaking to a packed House of Commons, she dubbed it Harrys handouts and told MPs: Giving these People free food will only make them more idle and take away any incentive for them to even try and find meaningful employment or to help themselves.

Roared on by her Tory Colleagues Ms McVey asked the House to imagine the scene on the big day, and painted a picture of millions of feckless, work shy scroungers gorging themselves on free pasta while decent people paid their own way.

Iain Duncan Smith and Jacob Rees-Mogg, two of Britains leading Catholics told reporters afterwards that the Bible is clear, God will provide for all he deems worthy and if some, either through hunger or untreated illness, die, then it is a clear sign that God is doing our work for us.

Asked to comment, Boris Johnson said that he was relieved that it was only Pasta, When I heard Meghans Meal, I thought they would be serving up Roast Possum and Grits.

 

20:43

Little Mix asked Twitter to suggest song ideas: the only 12 replies you need to read The Poke

Whoever runs the Twitter account of Little Mix decided it would be a good idea to seek the opinion of the internet on the direction the band should take, as though that would ever end well.

These are the very best 12 replies.

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20:39

This person came up with the 3 types of British crime show and its case closed The Poke

Ever wondered how many types of British crime show there are? Wonder no more.

And it got people thinking of all the shows that fitted the rule (and some that didnt).

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20:09

Jeremy Hunt tweeted this on International Nurses Day and here are the only 4 replies you need The Poke

Heres health secretary Jeremy Hunt sharing his thoughts on International Nurses Day.

And here are the only 4 replies you need.

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The post Jeremy Hunt tweeted this on International Nurses Day and here are the only 4 replies you need appeared first on...

19:55

12 Project Fear film posters that are almost as terrifying as Brexit The Poke

Designer, Smallbrainfield, was inspired by the idea of Project Fear, the warnings given by the Remain campaign before the EU referendum.

And these are his creations.

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19:00

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge fail to mate, say keepers NewsBiscuit

duty calls, no-one answersScientists working at Kensington Palace have announced the mating window of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has closed after the pair failed to conceive, despite several romantic encounters in a specially constructed royal love tunnel.

Efforts are continuing to encourage the shy, adorable pair to mate for what is thought to be the second time. In 2013 the female Kate-Kate gave birth to a single male offspring so impossibly cute that even its mother was sick for three months beforehand, but royal conservationists agree that this is not necessarily enough to guarantee the survival of the species Monarchia windsorica in the long term.

The couple had just 36 hours to procreate again before Kate-Kate became unreceptive, with the final meeting between the pair occurring last night, attended by both Professor Robert Winston and Peter Stringfellow. It had been expected that the two would have another attempt today, though tests revealed that the Duchesss hormone levels had dropped, leading to her watching The One Show and eating pizza while the heir to the throne read a book on polo. The couple have since been returned to their separate enclosures.

During the week they had shown signs of attraction to each other on several occasions, with Kate-Kate feigning interest in her husbands collection of African masks, and the couple were later spotted discussing charity work by press and tourists watching from a special viewing platform.

They showed encouraging signs, with the Duke appearing to mount the Duchess, a spokesman for the Palace told us, though it was later found that they had merely been wrestling over the TV remote.

Palace staff are already working with Russell Brand to construct a specially adapted kilt for the prince, in order for mating to proceed at just a few minutes notice if and when the opportunity arises.

18:38

This man sent his urban garden to the RHS and their reply was blooming marvellous The Poke

Cartoonist, Rob Dicken, doesnt have a massive garden, but when he made the most of his window boxes, he thought they might be a contender for the Royal Horticultural Societys Urban Garden Show.

This is his urban garden.

And the email he sent to the Royal Horticultural Society.

Hi. I would be really interested to know how I can apply for my urban garden design to be entered into this years RHS garden show.

In these times of austerity I think its important to acknowledge making use of limited outdoor space in urban areas on a tight budget.

Behold, and bow to my awesomeness and witness the beauty of a 5 (reduced as it was slightly soiledno pun intended) AstroTurf doormat I cut into strips and placed in my window boxes.

As you can see from the pictures it is perfect for inner city living. Im making good use of the beer garden and smoking area already. I look forward to your enthusiastic response and offers of a prime slot at your wonderful event...

17:57

Tight-Knit Office Team Go On Pretending They Havent All Slept With Each Other The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact Though most of the towns small brewing community know, the sales and accounts team down at Betoota United Breweries have gone on another day pretending like they havent all slept with each other before. Queensland sales manager, Sandra Stevens, has confided in The Advocate this afternoon saying that by living under the []

The post Tight-Knit Office Team Go On Pretending They Havent All Slept With Each Other appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:37

This Saturday Kitchen prank call was good, the chefs failure to get it even better The Poke

The popular BBC cookery show hosts a live phone-in advice section. Watch presenter, Matt Tebbutts face as a prank caller asks about the best herbs for a Camberwell carrot, a name given to a massive spliff in Withnail and I.

What was that? A Camberwell carrot?

I think wed better move on from that one

It didnt escape the attention of Twitter.

17:32

Hillary Clinton Tells Leigh Sales That Shes Very Lucky To See Her Talk For Free The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT During a lengthy interview with ABC 7:30, Hillary Clinton has made it clear to interviewer Leigh Sales that she rarely takes the floor to talk about her career without copping 100 bands at least. This doesnt happen much she says. I hope you know that you are pretty lucky. I understand you []

The post Hillary Clinton Tells Leigh Sales That Shes Very Lucky To See Her Talk For Free appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:12

The design fail on this Prince Harry swimsuit is a right royal disaster The Poke

K.T. Tunstall yes, that one noticed a pretty terrible design fail on a Prince Harry-themed swimsuit, though you could argue that a Prince Harry-themed swimsuit is nothing but design fail.

Though she also noted that it could potentially have been far worse.

The comments were as youd expect.

And, perhaps most creative of all

17:01

Uni Student Plays Down Four Years Of Ritalin Abuse With Quirky Graduation Photo The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Graduation has just become a little bit harder for graduates of the University Of Western Queensland. In a real sign of the times, the tertiary education institution in the Betoota Flats has introduced a new policy which requires all graduating students to pass one more test in order to []

The post Uni Student Plays Down Four Years Of Ritalin Abuse With Quirky Graduation Photo appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:00

Americans think this is called a Dutch Baby and the people of Yorkshire are furious The Poke

Heres the New York Times introducing its readers to something it thinks is called a Dutch Baby.

Its basically eggs, milk and flour all whizzed up but make sure the oils hot!

Except, er

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16:39

Piers Morgan wasnt happy with the Bafta TV awards and these are our favourite replies The Poke

It was the Bafta TV Awards last night and it was a better night for Peaky Blinders than it was for The Crown or Line of Duty.

But Piers Morgan wasnt thinking about that. He was thinking about this.

A lot of his followers simply couldnt agree more.

15:49

Report: Yodeling Only Art Form White People Can Perform Without Cultural Appropriation The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A new study has found that the only form of artistic expression that white people are able to part take in is yodeling, after countless attempts at appropriating visual and performance art forms belonging to people of colour. The recent recent report by the Greens-backed research group TWOPOC (Tertiary-Educated White Opinions On Behalf []

The post Report: Yodeling Only Art Form White People Can Perform Without Cultural Appropriation appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:54

PM Enjoys A 440mL Monster Can At Smoko In Bid To Understand The Common Man The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Observing the men currently building the fence blocking the public from accessing the top of Parliament House this morning, the Prime Minister saw them sitting around in a circle at 10 am in some sort of ritual. Malcolm Turnbull, intrigued by this Pagan-type doing, asked his driver to stop. He strode confidently up []

The post PM Enjoys A 440mL Monster Can At Smoko In Bid To Understand The Common Man appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:14

Tony Jones Fills In As Triple J Music Director While Kingsmill Takes Long Service Leave The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The ABC has today revealed that the coveted role of Triple J music director will be filled by the 62-year-old Tony Jones, while Richard Kingsmill takes his 80 weeks of accumulated long service leave in the Mudgee wine region. Kingsmills sabbatical times well with public calls for a more diverse panel of []

The post Tony Jones Fills In As Triple J Music Director While Kingsmill Takes Long Service Leave appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:42

Mums Gone A Bit Overboard Buying Grog For Her Royal Wedding Party The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If the last Royal Wedding was anything to go by, a polite and homely homemaker from Betoota Grove has purchased a substantial amount of alcohol in preparation for the party shes hosting on the big day. Wanda Coleman, of Greenbow Road, was seen picking out grog down at the []

The post Mums Gone A Bit Overboard Buying Grog For Her Royal Wedding Party appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:36

Trainee Magician Performs First Trick By Making Chances of Finding Girlfriend Disappear The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Hobbyist magician Alexander Eisenhoof (38) has performed his greatest illusion to date by making any chance he had of ever finding a girlfriend disappear. The part-time magician who goes by the name Alex Kazam says he cannot reveal how he did this trick (for fear of violating the Magicians Code) []

The post Trainee Magician Performs First Trick By Making Chances of Finding Girlfriend Disappear appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:51

Nonno Says He Always Knew The Banks They No Good The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT You laugh. But who laugh know? says 86-year-old Sal Carbone. I always knew With almost daily revelations coming from the banking royal commission about the severe misconduct of Australias big 4 banks and other major financial institutions, the retired house painter says you all laughed at him, but guess what? What I say? []

The post Nonno Says He Always Knew The Banks They No Good appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Man convinced he can mend anything with gaffer tape NewsBiscuit

Despite never having had any formal medical training, Paul Nowakowski (36) is fairly sure that an amputated thumb can be reattached with a combination of gaffer tape and wood glue. Faced with a DIY accident involving a hedge trimmer and innate male stubbornness, Paul is a firm believer in improvised health care just like Jeremy Hunt.

Although copious blood loss would suggest otherwise, Paul has every confidence that the gaffer will hold: Yes, I lost consciousness for a few minutes but thats probably just the hay-fever. Ill be right as rain, as soon Ive cleared up all the vomit and got the thumb facing the right direction.

Rather than visit an A&E Department, Paul is determined to power through, knowing full well that his wife had given him strict instructions not climb ladders unaided. Lets not mention my little mishap, I dont want any awkward recriminations. Mrs Nowakowski hasnt forgiven me since I hard-wired the TV into the plumbing and electrocuted her mother- again.

Undeterred, Paul stuck by the curative powers of gaffer tape and lying to your wife: Gaffer can repair anything shelving, subsidence, even Brexit. What about your marriage? No, probably not that.

08:39

Bank Robs Man The Shovel

bank robs man

Authorities are searching for a bank that is alleged to have been involved in a spate of robberies spanning several years.

CCTV footage released today shows the bank taking money from helpless customers, often in broad daylight. In one case, the bank is believed to have asked a man to unlock his life savings and hand it over.

Victims were left shaken and distressed.

Police believe the bank may also be involved in a separate robbery which saw the elderly and deceased targeted.

Investigators are asking anyone with further information to contact Crime Stoppers.

08:22

Bloke Stomping Through Train Carriages Wants To Know What Youre Looking At

train sydney

Michael Harris is looking as intently as he can at his phone. The 25-year-old accounting firm intern on Sydneys inner-west train line thinks hes done everything possible to avoid any risk of contact with the bald, topless and shoe-less bloke in cargo pants stomping his way through the carriages.

And yet the loud voice shrill enough to cut glass rings out all the same: What are you looking at mate? Huh? WHATCHA LOOKING AT!

The bloke has stopped his stomping long enough to direct this question at Mr Harris, who tries with all his might to focus on finishing a think piece hes reading on the political significance of Marvels Black Panther, a film he watched just last night.

But such deflection tactics dont work with a man as determined as the guy with beads of sweat running down alongside a bulging vein on the side of his skull. I SAID what are you looking at?, he asks, swigging from his longneck in a brown bag on the 10:20am all stops. Mate! Mate! What are you looking at? Fucken look at...

05:27

Trumps New Jerusalem Embassy & Casino Raises Eyebrows Daily Discord

Jerusalem, IL or PS?President Trump is back in the spotlight after the unveiling of his new controversial embassy and casino in old-town Jerusalem. This marks the first embassy to have a casino, seven bars, 3080 rooms, an Olympic-sized pool, and gold toilets. Not only is the move stoking resentment from Palestinians, it has already triggered a lawsuit from Embassy Suites, who

03:31

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Avengers: Infinity War Worker's Spatula

InfinityWar

Avengers: Infinity War is the 17th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The film (which one would think was a sequel to 2015s Avengers: Age of Ultron), follows a group of mainly unrecognisable characters fighting some sort of space goblin with a magic glove.

As far as our team of reviewers could ascertain, the space thing has to get all these stones, right? And each of the stones represents one aspect of the universe (love, peace, mind, sex, and love), which will allow him to murder half the universe in an instant. The bad elf guy has been trying to do this for ages, as explained by the films witty protagonist Tony Starks in rap form:

Classic genocide, slick gun material; burnt up bodies that rock with no burial.

The Avengers are made up of a diverse group of heroes: Iron Man, Iron Mans child soldier, Thor, Trife Da God, the Scarlet Witch, and some rubbish robot who cant fight properly despite being a baddie in the last film. Together, they form a guerilla foco determined to take down the space troll. Iron Man is the clear leader, whose critiques of his comrades are confident and full of the expected revolutionary language. Who can forget his words during a struggle session at Starks Towers in Captain Ameri[KKK]a: Civil War, 2015:

Oportnizm bukalemun gibidir. eitli klklara brnerek sosyal...

01:56

Putin: Anunnaki Days are Numbered Someones Bones

After his May 7 inauguration ceremony, Russian President Vladimir Putin convened a private meeting with senior staff officials and a handful of loyal military commanders, says former KGB agent Strelnikov Isaac Stepanovich. During the session, Putin urged loyalists to worry less about western anti-Russian propaganda and instead focus on ridding the world of a hostile race of extraterrestrials called the Anunnaki. Moreover, Putin said Ministry of Defense officials and scientists from the Mezhgorye extraterrestrial research station in the Ural Mountains were on the verge of scientific breakthroughs that would nullify Anunnaki advantages in future engagements.

Sometime ago, Russian scientists determined the Anunnaki used a network of portals, which only they can see and access, to instantaneously travel from one location to another. All attempts to locate said portals proved unsuccessful. Now, scientists believe they have found a means to disrupt the portals, rendering them temporarily inoperative.

President Putin thinks he can now turn the tables on these Anunnaki villains, Stepanovich said. We believe the Anunnaki emit high frequency chirps and shrills, and the portals are attenuated to respond specifically to this natural sound made by the creatures. The revelation came when a captured Anunnaki at Mezhgorye emitted sounds that deafened its jailors. They think the Anunnaki was trying to summon or access a gateway to escape.

Researchers theorized, Stepanovich added, that if, for example, a 50,000hz pulse activates the portals then an inverse pulse might break the portal and prevent Anunnaki from fleeing the scene of...

01:46

More Alzheimer's Cure Worries TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Following the success of my classic story Alzheimer's Cure Worries I have, in all modesty, decided to return to this delicate subject. Top Alzheimer's researcher, Dr Brain, is working at the forefront of helping evermore people remember things the...

Sunday, 13 May

23:30

Punk Mom Just Happy to Have Everyone at Same House Show The Hard Times

AKRON, Ohio Local mom and punk scene staple Tilda Jensen was just so happy, really to have everyone back together at the same matinee house show early this afternoon, a source confirmed.


Its really nice that everyone could make it today, said the 41-year-old mother of one and friend to many. Its so difficult getting us all under one roof these days what with everyone going on or coming off of tour. Seeing all of these sweaty faces really is the best gift anyone could ask for.

The Mothers Day show, booked and promoted by Jensen, was organized with the sole intention of getting the whole scene together at the same venue, just like they used to back in the old days.

Its just lovely to see all the kids here again, Jensen said, turning up the mid-range on the PA. I mean, theyre not literally kids, obviously shit, most of them are in their mid-30s and have actual kids of their own now. But they still call themselves kids, and half of them are still on their parents phone plan, so it kinda makes sense.

Related:

In addition to a warm house show full of her closest friends, Jensens biological child, 12-year-old Dom Jensen, also attended which made the day just that much more special, according to the punk mom.

I know my son and his friends have been dabbling with shows for a few months now. Honestly, if theyre gonna be doing that, Id rather know theyre here watching good bands under my roof and not out with some three-piece shoegaze act at a coffee shop or some shit, Jensen said.

Jensen, however, couldnt say which band she was most excited to see play. I cant really choose, she said. I love all the kids equally. Even the pop-punk ones.

The post Punk Mom Just Happy to Have Everyone at Same House Show appeared first on The Hard Times.

21:00

Big Sam takes over at R Kelly NewsBiscuit

Rumours that Everton FC manager Big Sam Allardyce is to take over at struggling R Kelly have been confirmed.

With a multi-million dollar deal penned, the Midlands troubleshooter has agreed to try and save the artist from being relegated from Spotify Premier.

Its understood the rappers entire entourage will be replaced with the same back-room staff of political correctness coaches that Big Sam used to great effect with Wayne Rooney at Everton.

Big Sam added, I had the lad on trial to see what he could do, and Ill be honest he failed miserably in the bleep test.

He believed he could fly once, he believed he could touch the sky. He will again. He just needs a kick up the R to get there.

19:00

Pasta ordered to stop lying about cooking times NewsBiscuit

Notorious BULLSHITTER Pasta, has been warned by police to stop stating that it takes just 10-12 minutes to cook.

Last year scientists began to investigate the phenomenon of the nefarious foodstuff un-cooking itself the longer it remained in hot water, but died of starvation before the research could be completed.  A scrawled note next to 3 lab-coated skeletons read: 10:41 Opened packet of fresh pasta, seems almost cooked already, now placing in boiling water. 13:52 dinner still not ready, have eaten stir-in sauce cold. Feel numb. Jenny, Im so sorry, I love you..

Escaped lunatic Heston Blumenthal, disagrees: Just last week I cooked a whole warehouse full of spaghetti in minus thirty seconds, using a time machine and a copy of Katie Prices autobiography he yelled, before being pelted with uncooked Fusilli by an angry mob.

 

thatwasbeast

18:53

Still our favourite Eurovision moment when Ulrika Jonsson trolled the Dutch judge The Poke

Another Eurovision, another UK flop. Lets remember the happier times, when Ulrika Jonsson did this.

(via)

READ MORE

No-one trolled the Eurovision stage invader quite like this Aussie TV commentator

Source

The post Still our favourite Eurovision moment when Ulrika Jonsson trolled the Dutch judge appeared first on The Poke.

18:18

12 favourite moments from this years Eurovision The Poke

Not even a stage invader could generate a sympathy vote for the UKs Eurovision entry, SuRie finishing third from bottom with 48 points.

On a more positive note, these things happened. Well, most of them

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18:00

No-one trolled the Eurovision stage invader quite like this Aussie TV commentator The Poke

Youll probably know by now that the UK entry in Eurovision was interrupted by a stage invader. Fortunately the singer, SuRie, wasnt hurt, less fortunately it had zero impact in creating a sympathy vote for Britain.

(via)

No-one dealt with it quite as well as the commentator on Australian TV.

(via)

Absolute cockhead.

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17:54

Report: Round The Twist Doesnt Hold Up, Especially After A Big Weekend On The Biccies The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A multi-participant study has concluded the classic ABC childrens series Round the Twist does not hold up by todays standards, especially on a Sunday morning after a few biccies the night before. Struggling to enjoy life after a class-A fuelled evening of debauchery, receptionist Nina Stewart (24) took to []

The post Report: Round The Twist Doesnt Hold Up, Especially After A Big Weekend On The Biccies appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:21

Bloke Stumbling Out Of Nightclub At 4AM Thanks The Bouncer For Doing Absolutely Fuck All The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local clubrat, Andrew Doofman (24) has shown that he knows how to show the necessary etiquette to the brave men wearing liquorice coloured shirts this evening. Despite spending just about every weekend for the last six years hitting the same strip of nightclubs in Betootas Woolclassing District, Andrew has never once been []

The post Bloke Stumbling Out Of Nightclub At 4AM Thanks The Bouncer For Doing Absolutely Fuck All appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:16

Did You Know: Cate Blanchett Actually Married The Tim Tam Genie From That Ad In 1994 The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In a time when shows like Blue Heelers ruled the screens, and Mariah Carey just wanted you for Christmas, a young and unknown Cate Blanchett says she met the love of her life, the Tim Tam genie. Yep, thats right. The guy from that ad, all those years ago, []

The post Did You Know: Cate Blanchett Actually Married The Tim Tam Genie From That Ad In 1994 appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:42

Villains Monologue Perfect Time to Heat Up Chinese Food The Hard Times

CLARION, Pa.  In the moments leading up to their final conflict, 29 year old gamer Jim Valentine realized that a villains extended monologue was an excellent opportunity to heat up leftover Chinese food, reports have confirmed.

Ive dealt with this before, said Valentine. He started just ranting on and on about the most useless things. The elders this and the planets that.  Once he said It wont be much longer now, I knew I had time to go make something to eat.

Read More From Hard DriveNew Reality TV Show Dungeon Rescue to See Gordon Ramsay Critiquing Failing Evil Lairs

Valentine described his meal preparation, opting to use the stove to heat up his General Tsos Chicken dinner from the previous night instead of the microwave, his traditional mode of cooking during a gaming session.

Then when I came back, he was still going! he exclaimed. He hadnt even gotten to why he was ravaging the kingdom! I finished my meal and was almost done with the dishes by the time he starting talking about defeating me. It was ridiculous.

The villain in question, Tharkissan, ruler of the Timesphere, accepted our request for an interview following the allegations.

How was I supposed to know my monologue was long? he said.  It just seems to me you guys are attacking me because I have something to say. I tell the truth. I fight for the common monster. You cant tell me my monologue was too long! Do you know who I am? Im Tharkissan, ruler of the Timesphere.  And you dare tell that my monologue was too long? Let he who hath slain the rulers of the Subrealms stand before me and attack my words. There was order once, and I shall rule the universe soon. It wont be long now!

[Editors Note: Tharkissan comments have been severely abridged.]

The post Villains Monologue Perfect Time to Heat Up Chinese Food appeared first on The Hard Times.

10:04

Okay, Twiggy. Were Listening Says Australian Rugby The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following a controversial week for the Australian rugby union brand, loyalists of the game are now putting all their hope in mining billionaire and alleged answer-holder, Twiggy Forrest. This comes after yet another two losses for our domestic teams playing international sides, and of course Israel Folau making sure []

The post Okay, Twiggy. Were Listening Says Australian Rugby appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:00

Did General Kelly Just Diss Melania Trump? TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Ouch! Did General Kelly just diss Melania Trump because she isnt fluent in English? Will he next accuse Barron of being her anchor child? Kellys insults appear to shoot out of his mouth like a cocked gun thats loaded and fired. Bang, bang! An empt...

09:56

Next Avengers Film To Feature A Hero Who Uses A Keep Cup The Betoota Advocate

Spoiler alert for Avengers Infinity War but if you havent seen it yet are you really that bothered? While fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe remain shook over the ending of Avengers Infinity War, a recent leak has revealed the next Avengers film will feature a new hero whose power is using a Keep Cup []

The post Next Avengers Film To Feature A Hero Who Uses A Keep Cup appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Footballer picks up coveted nose spit award NewsBiscuit

A Division 2 footballer was celebrating last night, after receiving the annual spitter of the year prize at the Golden Greenie awards, held in Gobowen. Peter Jones, full back with Port Vale, was commended by a panel of journalists and fellow players for a season of unparalleled nose ejections, with variety, trajectory and speed of delivery more typically associated with a premier league player, or someone with a quite serious bacterial infection .

Jones has been untouchable this year, something unfortunately that you cant say about his discharge, noted the Telegraphs chief football journalist. Its hard to single out individual gobs in such a great season, but Id say his right nostril ejection midway through the Stoke cup game in January was a watershed well, snot-shed actually moment. Finger blocking left nostril. Rapid exit of phlegm in a single shot, with no residue onto the shirt. Deliberately targeted to miss opponents foot by less than a centimetre. Outstanding.

Petes versatility has been a hallmark of his nose clearances this year, waxed legendary commentator John Snotson. Hes a great utility gobber. He can deliver a little bit of spit between his two front teeth finishing with a double pike of the saliva into the advertising hoardings, along with the best in the world. But hes not afraid to honk out a huge mucus and saliva mix around the penalty area on a wet and windy Tuesday in January at Burnley either.

Ive been really pleased with my consistency this year, admitted Jones, Thick, mostly green, and very, very difficult to remove from the playing surface.

Hat-tips Titus, ron cawleyoni, Paul L, Macattack1964

05:30

Hawaiian Government Files Lawsuit Against Pele, Goddess Of Fire Daily Discord

Big Island, HIAs thousands of residents flee their homes on Hawaiis Big Island, state officials are moving to legal action. Hawaii has filed a class action lawsuit against the suspected culprit, Pele, the Goddess of Fire from their mythological pantheon. Many believe she is behind the recent array of unwarranted magma and earthquakes. Hawaii Civil Defense has come to a different conclusion. They

02:00

Home Office issues L.A.V.A. guidelines for volcanic eruptions NewsBiscuit

After witnessing scenes of eruption from the Kilauea volcano spewing molten lava across carefully manicured Hawaiian lawns, a special Home Office task force convened in an emergency meeting to formulate an effective response strategy should Britain suffer the same fate. Today saw the first advice published by the task force.

L.A.V.A.

In the event of receiving an order to evacuate due to volcanic eruption, the public should follow L.A.V.A. guidelines:

L = Lunch.
If youre about to eat, do so. British lava is likely to be slow moving and suffer delays due to moderate weather fluctuations. Evacuation on an empty stomach is not recommended. If youve already eaten, consider utilising the spare time before engulfment to clear memory space on your recording devices or bring the washing in. Dont allow noxious sulphurous fumes from a pyroclastic flow to ruin the alpine-fresh fragrance of your line-dried delicates.

A = Argue.
Even with super-heated liquid rock encroaching unabated, its still going to get chilly in the evening. Try to have a brief ding-ding with your partner about what to wear to circumvent the problem, this will eventually clear the air of nonsense to allow for more rational conversations as the threat of atom by atom vaporisation becomes ever imminent.

V = Video.
Theres likely to be a vlogger at your evacuation assembly building vragging about escaping his impending demise and showing everyone a trickle of lava filmed to look like an approaching tsunami. As you cleared your devices earlier, you wont be caught out articulating your own predicament without first-class video evidence, preferably with your partner in shot for scale. An artily shot video of your domestic cataclysm will bring a multitude of social media likes which although cannot compensate for losing house and home, may bring a fleeting sense of dislocated sympathy.

A = Arse.
You are now in mortal peril and its too late to take that skirt back to M&S, or snip any more cuttings from your prize-winning Rhododendron. This is the time to set your pets or livestock free. If they are hand-reared or purchased from a reputable establishment theyll come looking for you. Now get your arse to the designated evacuation assembly building before white-hot pumice removes more than the skin from your feet.

Remember: Theres no palaver with L.A.V.A.

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