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Jan Sthlberg (@innov8_dk) September 15, 2017
Rachael Venables (@rachaelvenables) September 15, 2017
Life is slowly going back to normal here in Parsons Green. A man with a blue parrot on his shoulder just walked past me whistling. pic.twitter.com/Ay1bCziFyL
Ceylan Yeginsu (@CeylanWrites) September 15, 2017
When your parents check you're ok. pic.twitter.com/kUfNzqUVA1
David Johnson (@johnse06) September 15, 2017
Tess de la Mare (@TessDeLaMare) September 15, 2017
Community opens up near Parsons Green following today's attack, as residents offer their homes as spots to charge phones and use the toilet pic.twitter.com/y7OzsEaxUA
Jack Hardy (@JackHardy9)...
From the department of interesting burns comes this fascinating morsel of content: a burn that looks exactly like a penis.
Still bigger than mine. And less blistered, says frnkys.
Thank you internet, for today you have truly delivered.
The post This burn on a mans hand looks exactly like a dick appeared first on The Poke.
Dr Hannah Fry is a lecturer in the Mathematics of Cities at the Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis at UCL and she reckons her coffee machine sounds like The Hardest Button to Button by the White Stripes.
Have a listen what do you think?
Hannah Fry (@FryRsquared) September 15, 2017
Now listen to the actual track. Do you think she has a point?
A court in San Francisco has cleared San Andreas of any wrong doing saying the town should not be held responsible for the tectonic boundary that divides the Pacific and North American plates. For over 100 years geologists and seismologists have highlighted San Andreas as the epicentre of volatile rock formations that run from the Santa Cruz Mountains in the north, down to Monterey County in the south.
However, the court decided that it was wrong to blame San
Andreas for geological defects in the area saying that any
continental transform condition was a result of right-lateral
strike-slip and should not be attributed to the town or its
In his summing up, the judge pointed out that any earthquake activity caused by slippage in the tectonic plates would affect San Andreas just as much as any other town in the region. Its time to stop blaming San Andreas for things that are quite clearly beyond their control said the judge. The rock formations are a geological freak of nature, created millions of years ago, long before San Andreas was even there. Surely its time to end this blame game.
San Andreas welcomed the findings saying the decision would bring some closure for the town. Representatives of the Pacific and North American plates have released a joint statement saying they were now looking forward to moving on, at a rate of 37 millimetres per year.
Im a very open-minded person. As such, my tastes and preferences are pretty wide-ranging. On any given day I could find myself enjoying pop-punk, EDM, middle class people, upper middle class people, jazz fusion, etc
But frankly speaking, Im not a fan of rap, country, or poor people. Theres something Ive always found incredibly unappealing about those two music genres and that one class of people. Simply not for me.
You can argue until youre blue in the face that country and rap each have rich histories of artistic innovation, or that both feature a multitude of diverse subgenres, or you could go on and on about how millions of Americans are living below the poverty line through no fault of their own. But my mind is made up. I dont like em and I never will.
Now, you may be wondering, how did my distaste for rap, country, and the impoverished develop? In the past I had frequently said, I like everything except rap and country to describe my music taste. I never thought much of this glib phrase, and assumed that aside from my dislike, there wasnt any connection between these two disparate music genres.
Then I had a eureka moment Whats the common thread between country and rap?
Every time I said, everything but rap and country I was really saying, I hate the poor. And boy oh boy, do I hate them! I hate their dirty faces, I hate their empty, outturned pockets, and most of all, I hate their music. And I certainly dont want to be anything like those awful, wretched people.
Sure, Ive never actually given rap or country a chance, but why should I? That music isnt for me. Im not poor! And to be honest, Im absolutely terrified I may actually like one of the songs. Could you imagine what that would say about my socioeconomic status??
CLEVELAND Tensions erupted earlier this week when local metal band Six Inch Fetus struggled to determine who would be the one member required to have short hair, according to sources close to the group.
The trio allegedly almost came to blows during the beer-fueled argument about the necessity for one well-groomed musician.
We really want to go to the next level and be taken seriously, said guitarist and singer Tommy Russo. Every truly successful metal band has that one dude with a proper high fade or messy fringe. Unfortunately, no one is willing to step forward and actually make the sacrifice. Right now, we just look like a bunch of hairy jamokes.
All members of the outfit have at least shoulder-length hair, with drummer Michael Turner in the lead with an impressive 38-inch mane. Ive been growing this shit since eighth grade, Turner said. If I didnt cut it to save my marriage, Im not cutting it for these guys.
A consensus was thought to be found when the other members noted Russo already shows signs of male pattern baldness.
We tried to talk him into shaving his head completely, like Rob Halford or Jens Kidman, said bassist Colin Broome. But he said he has a weird-shaped skull, so were back to square one.
While metalheads often cite Metallica as a Samson-esque group that lost power after cutting their hair, at least one expert believes that is not true.
Most would agree Bruce Dickinson has still got the goods, said metal historian Donald P. Benson, PhD. And on the other hand, Dave Mustaine still has long hair, and hes the biggest douchebag there is, historically speaking. John Baizley, Brann Dailor, most of the dudes from The Dillinger Escape Plan, just to name a few all have short hair. Fact is, weve entered an era where long hair doesnt necessarily legitimize a metal band.
A source close to the band reported that Six Inch Fetus has tabled the hair discussion, and is now considering having a member who always wears a unique hat.
Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a new shirt from our store:...
SEATTLE Two sexually adventurous teenagers were reportedly trapped in the Jurassic Park arcade machine theyd been fooling around in today, fearing any movements would alert a nearby family members to their presence, according to sources at the scene.
Freshman sweethearts Braedon Sandoval and Michaela Brown were at a birthday party being held for Browns younger brother at Round Table Pizza when they snuck away from the festivities for an intimate encounter in the driving titles SUV inspired cabinet.
We were going at it when suddenly I noticed ripples in the cup of Fanta Id set on the dashboard, said Brown when pressed for comment after the incident. I recognized the footsteps; that was my mother. I was terrified. I wanted to run out of there, but Braedon held me tight and said She cant see us if we dont move.
Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:
Onlookers stated that Tasha Brown circled the game, sniffing the air around it while the two dry humpers remained safely hidden, curled up on the floor of the machine. At one point she tried clawing the cabinet, but her arms did not quite reach the two frightened, horny teenagers.
Eventually she wandered away, her heavy footsteps serving as a constant reminder that she is out there somewhere.
We knew if we waited long enough Michaelas mom would go back for some garlic bread or another Diet Coke, said Sandoval. We were so preoccupied with whether we could dry hump in the Jurassic Park machine, we never stopped to think if we should.
An hour after their disappearance, Mrs. Brown had given up the search. Clever girl, she said of her dry humping daughter, I knew she would be a handful ever since she was conceived in that Daytona 500 machine.
Article by Wade Keye @WadeKeye
Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on...
From Australia, this note is quite something:
But its the next photo that really delivers.
Nuke the whole colony from orbit. Its the only way to be sure as someone on Facebook says.
The post This sort we couldnt read your electricity meter note gets very scary very quick appeared first on The Poke.
Jim Nelson, an office worker in Farringdon, decided against placing his usual Starbucks order of creamy Mocha Hazelnut Frappuccino plus a giant Smarties cookie as part of a desperate attempt to impress the coffee shops new 23-year-old employee whom he described as the heart-stopping girl of my dreams.
Entranced by her deep brown eyes and glacial beauty as she disdainfully called out requests for Apple Chai infusions with whipped cream, Nelson considered that his chances for developing a lasting relationship with the woman hung on this first order.
My immediate thought was to play safe with a Latte, explained the 27-year-old single man, but faint heart and all that So I figured a Grande Cappuccino would look a bit more hip and retro.
However the Cappuccino decision was overturned by his brain as he admired her lustrous dark hair and pondered whether she may actually have Italian heritage. I was trying to remember the rule they have in Italy is it no cappuccino before lunch, or after lunch? he explained. It was a coffee etiquette minefield.
Finally, inspiration struck as Nelson settled on a sophisticated but still masculine single espresso to be accompanied by almond biscotti. Carrot cake had been ruled out as potentially effeminate and he was unsure that in the time allotted for his beverage transaction he could effectively get across the idea that he was having the double chocolate cake because he was really hungry after one of his regular gym workouts.
Finally reaching the front of the line, Nelson was pleased that he managed to complete his order successfully improvising at the last minute to demonstrate his caring nature by ensuring the coffee was Fair Trade before paying for his drink with a 20 note rather than the pile of 20ps hed been intending to use.
The euphoric feelings engendered by the warm smile he received from the attractive Starbucks employee were only slightly marred by his blurting out I love you! as she asked for his name for the cup, and directed him towards the milk and sugar.
I Look Like Laura Dern is an Instagram account run by stand up comedian Maria Wojciechowskiand as she says, people tell me I look like the actress Laura Dern.
She does you know. And heres 9 of her best:
When your ex unfollows you on Instagram and suddenly starts liking all of your friends' pictures. #lauradern #jurassicpark #jurassicworld #stevenspielberg #elliesattler #paleobotany #90s #90smovie #impression #blockbuster #dinosaurs #trex #tyrannosaurusrex #raptors
A post shared by I Look Like Laura Dern (@ilooklikelauradern1) on Sep 11, 2017 at 8:59am PDT
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Based upon North Koreas most recent nuclear test, a bomb of the same yield would all but destroy our bustling inland metropolis according to a popular website. NUKEMAP is an interactive map using Google Maps and unclassified nuclear weapons effects data to project what might happen to a location should it be attacked with nuclear weapons. 
The post CHILLING: What would happen if Betoota was nuked by North Korea? appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Firstly this from The Times:
It's Chris Morris's world. The rest of us just live in it. pic.twitter.com/p6LS0153gT
Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) September 15, 2017
And then this from The Mirror:
Daily Mirror (@DailyMirror) September 15, 2017
Anyway. Stay careful kids, pedophiles can disguise themselves as anything:
And now watch this clip from the Brass Eye pedophile
special on how pedophiles attack kids through the
The post Two headlines from todays news that prove that we live in Chris Morriss world appeared first on The Poke.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Clare Simpkins-Mattingly used to burn bras at University. She used to march against Australias involvement in Vietnam, she she used to dream about travelling Africa to help the kids but her staunch military father insisted she settle down and find herself a good rugby player with a future in small retailing businesses. 
The post Emotionally Battered Wife Of Abbott Supporter Liberates Self By Secretly Voting YES appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
If female writers wrote characters of the opposite sex like male writers do pic.twitter.com/YE4o3lXq5A
Manataerys Stormborn (@SaveTheMayotee) September 8, 2017
Chekovs Gun should apply when discussing the female form. So unless she can fire bullets from her boobs, leave them out of the story. says @Mehworth.
If youre unfamiliar with the point @Savethemayotee is making then this should enlighten.
Manataerys Stormborn (@SaveTheMayotee) September 10, 2017
The post If female writers wrote characters of the opposite sex like male writers do appeared first on The Poke.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has shot another swathe of high-ranking party officials today after yet another intercontinental ballistic missile failed to hit its target. Peter Desmond, from a shadowy government department that doesnt officially exist, told The Advocate that up to seven senior members of the Workers Party 
The post Kim Jong-un reportedly furious after yet another missile fails to hit Japan appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDEL HUSSEY | Editor | CONTACT A local man who files fraudulent tax returns every year has thrown his support behind Pauline Hanson and her proposed ABC reforms. The 63-year-old credit analyst from a reasonably small financial institution in Sydneys Northern Beaches has told the Advocate today that he is bloody fed up with his hard earned taxpayer dollars 
The post Baby Boomer Whos Lied On 40 Years Of Tax Returns Says Hes Sick Of Funding The ABC appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT What was always going to be a rather heavy session has now been cranked up a few more notches than initially expected, it has been confirmed. As a group of local pisspots hit the pub this windy Friday afternoon, a solid turn out from the first suggested kick-off was a good sign in 
The post Arvo Pub Session Fires Up As Two Best Banter-Slinging Mates Turn On Each Other appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A socially-progressive yet musically regressive local alpaca breeder has been left wondering why each time he tunes into Triple J, he doesnt like what he hears. Now in his 35th year on this god-forsaken rock affectionately known as Earth, Peter Monkton told The Advocate that the national youth broadcaster 
The post Local 35-year-old wondering why Triple J doesnt appeal to him anymore appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Melbourne Art Student currently loitering out front of the the worlds largest art museum and historic monument in Paris, says everything inside is just so lame compared to Fitzroys contemporary artistic video scene. Charlotte Parkinson-Singleton (21) says after observing approximately 38,000 objects from prehistory to the 21st century exhibited over the 72,735 square metre Louvre Museum, she cant 
The post Melbourne Art Student Smoking Rollies Outside The Louvre Says Italian Renaissance Is Overrated appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
In recognition of their common philosophy of taking a punt on people with little relevant experience and immediately dumping them when they turn out to be a disaster, Crystal Palace Football Club and the White House today announced that the roles of manager of the former and press secretary of the latter will be shared across the two organisations.
The new arrangement will see former White House communications director Sean Spicer managing the football club for their home game against Southampton on Saturday. He admitted that he had no idea of the rules of soccer, or even how many players hes allowed to put on the field, but said it didnt matter as his plan was to denounce any reporting of the match or result as fake news. In the weekend match, announced Spicer, the opposition could expect fire and fury, and walls for free-kicks would involve a 2000 long mile concrete structure, rather than the traditional 4 defenders protecting their testicles with their hands.
Recent manager Alan Pardew, meanwhile, will be the first from Crystal Palace to take to the podium in the White House to try and undo the damage caused by whatever tweets the President sent during that days 5am bowel movement. Washington insiders say his dad dancing skills will come in extremely useful in deflecting attention from the indefensible.
Anthony Scaramucci said that he was very much looking forward to managing Palace after Spicers inevitable sacking in a couple of weeks time, and was already making preparations for it. Reports have been heard that he and the boys visited West Hams manager Slaven Bilic and told him This is a real nice former Olympic stadium ya got here be an awful shame if anything were to happen to it
A rugby league referee has copped the maximum $10,000 fine after an angry outburst bagging every error made by the players during a semi finals match he officiated last weekend.
Im doing my best out there trying to ensure every player gets a fair go and they reward me with butterfingered knock ons, softcock attempted tackles and play the balls that a drunken crab could have done more elegantly, said fuming whistleblower Greg Brylcreem as he faced the press following last Sundays sudden death playoff between Glebe-Annandale and the Newtown Bluebags. Heres a list of dimbulb wankers who turned the play back infield when they had three guys unmarked on the outside and thickhead halfbacks who couldnt find grass in Nimbin with their kicking game.
Greg crossed the line with his comments which were unfair and hurtful to the players who are simply trying to do their best out there and dont have the benefit of having two touchies and a bunker full of high resolution camera equipment to help them play the game, said NRL boss Kerryn Longenough. Sure, Newtown winger Manfred Garbo was so offside that he was actually behind the dead ball line having a chat with one of his mates in the crowd when that ball was kicked through for what should have been the winning try, but there was no need for Greg to call him a hopeless no good bum who couldnt get a game with the Cootamundra reserves during harvest time.
This is the second major fine Brylcreem, following on from an incident where he threatened to...
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian tri-code footballing star Israel Folau has this week come out in opposition to gay marriage, stating that he believes the only appropriate form of binding between two men is when they put their hand under each others crotch from behind and grab the baggy bit of Canterbury footy shorts in front of 
The post Israel Folau Says Two Men Should Only Be Engaged And Bound By Squirrel Grip appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
See you in court Palmer Paint Products pic.twitter.com/0mxXgGCQcn
leah (@LeleTill) September 13, 2017
Not sure how that court actions going to go, though. Time for a close-up view.
Heres the offending item.
And the result.
Turns out theres washable, and then theres washable.
Why would anyone paint their face pink in the f...
This is spectacular (you really do have to watch to the end).
She tried Howard. but Howard had time. pic.twitter.com/ZEWEeCKYjS
Melinda Brown Duncan (@Ilcapitano94) September 14, 2017
Cant believe she didnt just yell cut and start all over again.
That drag left her looking LOST b pic.twitter.com/AEqyoOeALW
Betty Von Little (@bettyvonlittle) September 14, 2017
The post Weakest Link clip goes viral because its the best Anne Robinson takedown youll see appeared first on The Poke.
South Houston, TXAll of the latest federal relief funds designed to get Houston back on its feet arrived in check form to the RV park address of one Harvey Ford of South Houston. The Trump Administration is downplaying the mistake and delegated blame to an under-under-secretary, currently under some Congressman. Upon receiving the check, Mr. Ford
Boris Johnson has shrunk in the wash. pic.twitter.com/ySSvzhoSbE
Hugo Rifkind (@hugorifkind) September 14, 2017
Ah, the joy of a weird camera angle.
Tom Sutcliffe (@tds153) September 14, 2017
Perhaps try again but a bit hotter.
A Box of Rain (@A_BoxOfRain) September 14, 2017
Wash him a few more times and then take the plug out.
Philip Pullman (@PhilipPullman) September 14, 2017
When @SoVeryBritish tweeted this handy guide to how to say no (without saying no), it turned out it was only the beginning.
Things that mean "no":
-Yeah, could do
-I'm easy really
-Well, yes and no
-If that's what you fancy
-I'll see how I feel
VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) September 14, 2017
Heres just a few of the hundreds of replies it generated. Now you need never say no again!
You forgot "let me get back to you later on this".
Dimitri Vallette (@GodBlessMali) September 14, 2017
Let's play it by ear
LISA DIAZ (@lisabeldiaz) September 14, 2017
See also, "I'll look into it."
Seema Jilani (@SeemaJilani) September 14, 2017
You forgot "I'll let you know"
Emsw (@localemma) September 14, 2017
You forgot the classic 'leave it with me'
Elizabeth Shlala (@eshlala) September 14, 2017
in Ireland "I will, yeah"
Dan Burke (@danburke1984)...
Ringo Starrs support for Brexit prompted a whole bunch of people to come up with #brexitbeatlesongs on Twitter.
Heres whats on our jukebox.
When I'm Sixty-Four I'll vote to ruin young people's lives. #brexitbeatlessongs
Laura Marcus (@MissLauraMarcus) September 14, 2017
Didn't need a visa for holiday
Now if I go to France I'll have to pay
Thanks a lot, Theresa May#BrexitBeatlesSongs
Jim Hearson (@JimHearson) September 14, 2017
Ben Mumford (@BenMumford1990) September 14, 2017
Here Comes The Sun with another racist headline #BrexitBeatlesSongs
Stephen Tries (@StephenTries) September 14, 2017
'Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried alone with her name' But was still declared fit for work by DWP. #BrexitBeatlesSongs
Jack LaMorte (@LamorteJack)...
Scientists from Florida University's Group for Learning, Y'all have determined the nature of beauty.
NEW YORK CITY Cinemax will begin airing softcore, heavily edited recordings of punk shows late at night for mature audiences in November, according to a press release from the famed cable network.
Cinepunx will feature the best softcore punk around, said head of programming Alexander Wallace. Weve partnered with bands like Joyce Manor, Title Fight, Bowling for Soup, and All Time Low to offer tasteful videos of their live performances for the aging punk music fan.
Test audiences, however, are not convinced. Focus groups feel the show has cut out the best parts of the live, underground music experience.
Theres no blood, or swearing, one participant said. Like, right before the frontman of Knuckle Puck dives into the crowd, they cut away. At one point, it looked like a fistfight mightve broken out in the pit, but the camera was so close up on the participants face, you cant really tell whats going on.
Cinemax believes consumers will appreciate their subtle approach to punk show footage.
Kids can find the hardcore stuff online nowadays anyway. If you want to see some grind band play a basement, thats fine, said Cinemax president Kary Antholis. We want to showcase mid-level bands playing clean venues a separate, 21+ section for the home, so people can see a show without having to worry about spilled beer, or leaving the house.
Cinemax developers are reportedly in early talks with Blink-182 to re-release their back catalogue through the channel as well. We are so excited about working with Cinemax, Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus confirmed. Reminds me of when wed pretend to be naked under pixelated boxes. Things are gonna get crazy. within reason.
However, in addition to the mixed reviews from test groups, parents across the country are also concerned by Cinemaxs new, alternative programming.
What if my children see people with dyed hair doing that half-scream/singing thing? said Susan DeGilio, founder of Mothers Against Punk Situations [MAPS]. I dont care how much they cut out. Its still filthy, vile punk rock. I lost my first son to punk music from just one Simple Plan song playing at a Hot...
If you combine the newest UK banknotes you get David Jason. In a bonnet.
Vice versa equals John Travolta?
Edit: we agree, its Les Dawson.
I was thinking more Les Dawson :) pic.twitter.com/FjPMz6m2SQ
Alexander Morris (@alexandermorris) September 14, 2017
I'm no good at this pic.twitter.com/TKQ4FWQiKQ
Stewart Houston (@stuiys) September 14, 2017
New BBC Guidelines have paved the way for solo dancers on Strictly. It means that celibate clergy, those for whom sexual intercourse would be illegal or painful because of their age as well as recovering sex addicts whod f*ck a pot plant given half the chance but have decided not to can enter themselves into the competition with a self-tango or single pasa doble. In addition, celibates can can instead of can-can. They will be banned from the cha cha cha for mathematical reasons.
Explaining the policy shift, BBC Head of Multiversity Perry Smythe said Its well known that the traditional ballroom dance is no more or less than a ritual metaphor for pre heterosexual behavior. But we mustnt exclude those for whom foxtrot-foreplay is a no no. Im not talking about the Gay Gordons, Lesbian Lauras and bisexual Berties or even the Polyamorous Pollies. Im talking about the celibate Cyrils, and solo Stephanies. To be true to their own sexuality they would either stand perfectly still to the Samba, masturbate the merengue or in some cases wank to the waltz. To take that last example, the time signature would be a real challenge, but would it make great TV? Our audition videos suggest not.
Meanwhile BBC 1s new Black British spicy chicken cooking competition has been put on the back burner until a more suitable title can be found.
These maps are very good at (mostly) telling you very little. Lovely stuff.
Electricity consumption in Europe in 1507 pic.twitter.com/9YFlFkeGJO
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) September 11, 2017
Fascinating: countries arranged by geographical location pic.twitter.com/BYXdrJrp04
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) September 8, 2016
Super Bowl wins by country pic.twitter.com/3wfKIojWsa
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) February 5, 2017
Potential EU leaving names pic.twitter.com/046FhrZ6ol
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) February 14, 2017
Restaurant Order Preferences in Africa pic.twitter.com/XI7DVxJAZu
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) September 12, 2017
Population per capita pic.twitter.com/xmqrOcozhD
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) April 2, 2017
Map of Earth if there was no land pic.twitter.com/Smt1YMS7Eo
Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) July 22, 2017
Its hash, but fair. Canterbury council please take note.
Although its not as welcoming as this guerrilla sign in Leeds by Final Frontier Artwork.
The post Dont know why Peterborough has a Tourist Information Centre when weve got this slab appeared first on The Poke.
Queen Elizabeth has announced that she will see out the rest of her reign in her long-suspected natural state of Giant Lizard. The Palace said over 60 years of playing the role of benign monarch to perfection had taken its toll and she now just wanted to be herself, and she hoped the British people would understand their beloved Sovereign was in fact a giant shape-shifting reptile. It has also been revealed that she wishes to here-after be known by her natural lizard name of Othrakien Drakut.
She will make her first public appearance as Giant Lizard at the opening of a new Community Centre in Bolton next Thursday. Dignitaries and the public have been warned not to be alarmed by Her Majesty if she slithers around on the ground or up the side of the building. At the special lunch reception the human guests will dine on smoked venison and a cheese selection while Her Majesty will devour a goat that will be tethered to a lamppost outside.
It is thought a huge new cottage industry will be created around the Queen as millions of souvenir mugs, dinner sets and tea towels will be produced featuring her new persona. It also means all UK paper currency and coins will need to be re-minted to the new Lizard issue.
Meanwhile the BBC has negotiated a deal with Her Majesty to allow David Attenborough unprecedented access to her new lizard life and will result in a feature-length documentary to be screened next year called Natural Born Lizard.
This is the most fun weve ever had watching Game of Thrones.
The post Game of Thrones credits redone as 90s TV drama is so much better than the real thing appeared first on The Poke.
I don't know who this dog is or why he's banned from the park, but he seems like a lot of fun ! pic.twitter.com/hgpLkAyY4s
You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) September 11, 2017
That is a very efficient; combining 4 different signs into one.
Tom Khoury (@twaks99) September 12, 2017
So a smoking dog is ok, as is a dog drinking wine, even a smoking dog who is also drinking as long as he's not also on a skateboard eh.
sofa_surfer (@the_sofa_surfer) September 11, 2017
The post This dogs having so much fun it doesnt need to go to the park appeared first on The Poke.
and so it begins again pic.twitter.com/EV2yttMhMl
John Squires (@FreddyInSpace) September 11, 2017
Yep, thats pretty much it.
If they don't make a calendar of Winona Ryder, it'll be a mistake that we should fix <3
Yrae @ streemz (@yraelis) September 13, 2017
The post Heres how the last 4 months of your year will pan out appeared first on The Poke.
American traditional tattoos are as popular now as they ever have been. These dope pieces have seen a resurgence within the last couple of years and anybody whos anybody has at least one. The problem is, inevitably some idiot is going to ask you what your sick ink means to you. But fret not, because weve prepared a few go to answers to have at the ready when faced with this moronic question.
The military is a common theme within American traditional tattoos. This bulldog with a knife in his mouth is not only a classic symbol of the service but is also super adorable. Your Grandpa was in the army, or maybe that was just the reserves. Either way, you can tell people that your tattoo is in honor of the sacrifices he may or may not have made. They definitely wont think you just picked this one off a flash sheet.
This badass eagle chest piece is a classic. In traditional tattooing eagles have long been a symbol of America, which is perfect for you because you live in America. When people ask you what it means you could say it represents a love of your country. Or, depending on your audience, its an ironic nod to the blind patriotism of the American masses. Your call.
buying iPhone X in europe? why not add a free weekend trip to NYC pic.twitter.com/K3IbdF4WNL
juan (@juanbuis) September 13, 2017
Seriously. This guy has really thought it through.
yes, i know, i forgot nyc sales tax. it's $88.71 / 73,68. still a very cheap trip
alternatively, sleep in the apple store
juan (@juanbuis) September 13, 2017
be quick, you might not be the only one looking lol
juan (@juanbuis) September 13, 2017
that's one hella cheap Airbnb
Kees Plattel (@keesplattel) September 13, 2017
if you're there for only two days i don't think it really matters right pic.twitter.com/mhOGIkuBZ9
juan (@juanbuis) September 13, 2017
But theres always one.
if you want to get robbed of that new iPhone and be on the subway for over an hour sure
Chris Portscheller (@cport1) September 13, 2017
WAKEFIELD, R.I. Musician Ted Leo was forced to drop his backing band, the Pharmacists, for his new album The Hanged Man due to a new cost-cutting health care bill passed by Congress, according to close sources.
Its just been so difficult to record the new album, said Leo when pressed for comment. In the 90s and under Obamacare, I could afford to have all of the Pharmacists but with this new plan, the premiums prevent me from covering anyone beyond my drummer.
The Hanged Man, Leos first album without the Pharmacists since 1999, was funded entirely through Kickstarter a story shared by millions of Americans forced to crowdsource their rising health care costs.
I cant access my usual guitarist under this plan, and if I ever need to pick up a prescription, Im not even allowed to use CVS, Leo said. This bill is destroying blue collar musicians and workers all around the United States.
James Canty, Leos guitarist since the Treble in Trouble album in 2000, has reportedly had to take a second job at a local bookstore to cover his own costs as a result of the new legislation.
I know Ted isnt to blame, but losing the Pharmacists has been really tough, said Canty, tears welling in his eyes. I mean, shit I spent years earning a doctorate in pharmaceutics. I worked as a Pharmacist for nearly two decades. Was that a little overkill to play in a punk band named after pharmacists? Sure. But the point still stands that this GOP bill ruined that for me.
The bill has been roundly criticized by voters, particularly because members of Congress would be exempt from any cuts themselves.
Its fucked up that guys like Ted Leo have to lose their entire backing band, and Senator John McCain gets to keep all his benefits. Hes releasing a new album this fall called Johnny McCain and the Military Doctors that has six guitarists, noted one user in a viral Reddit post.
In order to further cut costs Leo is reportedly planning to use public transportation to complete his winter tour.
Take a trip over to our virtual merch table:...
LOS ANGELES The upcoming South Park role playing game called South Park: The Fractured but Whole, which introduces a difficulty mode that criticizes racial injustice, was ridiculed on an episode of the television show South Park for being a buncha left-wing nonsense, last night.
The episode features a scene where Eric Cartman calls the video game a cuck fantasy world before removing a South Park: The Fractured but Whole disc from its case, defecating where the disc is supposed to go, closing the case, and selling it to Butters.
I just think whoever made this video game is a total fucking hypocrite, even if that person is me, said South Park creator Trey Parker. Our TV show is about calling out all the stupid people who think theyre so clever. And to me, theres no bigger target for that than the person who wrote up this Fractured Whole game, which is myself
Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:
Reviewers and longtime fans of the series called the episode confusing.
South Park is my absolute favorite show ever and they are never wrong, said Reddit user mrhanky6969. I think South Park is right when they say that literally everything is dumb, including other things made by South Park. My favorite episode of the show is the one where they all play World...
Nintendo of America have tweeted a picture that reveals Mario has nipples:
Nintendo of America (@NintendoAmerica) September 13, 2017
Zoom in shall we?
Who knew? Mario actually has nipples. This has lead to explosion of merriment on the internet and heres nine of the best comments:
Remember the title screen of Mario 64 where you could pull his nose? Odyssey is like that, except you can play with his nipples
Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) September 14, 2017
Technically, these are also Mario's nipples pic.twitter.com/hrRvUjciCb
Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) September 14, 2017
if mario has nipples then why doesn't yoshi please nintendo this only raises difficult questions
Matt Lees (@Jam_sponge) September 13, 2017
I like how it was confirmed in the same week that Mario has nipples and Waluigi isn't circumcised
Green Roy (@AnAntTM) September 14, 2017
dear everyone tweeting about shirtless Mario and his nipples: like, it'd be weird if...
The Band will be known as All Directions in line with current party thinking and will feature lead singer Nik Klegg, accompanied by Dani Xander as The Funny one, Alan Beth as The Serious One, Norman Norm Baker is The androgynous one, and Andrew Stunnel will be The one who everybody questions how they got there and is only liked by the odd ball girl in form 5B, one. Lord Steel claims to be the member of the band who left to become successful in his own right while Charles Kennedy will take on the Pete Best mantle by being thrown out of the band before they were famous. MP Jo Swinson will become the bands one designated groupie.
In an interview with the NME Cable said, The Lib-Dems have lost the X Factor with the electorate, so by courting the adolescent soon-to-be voter, we are hoping they will be unaware of any past policies or principles when the next election rolls around. All Directions are expected to split in about six months time.
Heres something to keep your anger sharp this morning as reported by Fast Company:
Fast Company (@FastCompany) September 13, 2017
Called Bodega, this startup installs unmanned pantry boxes in apartments, offices, dorms, and gyms. It promises convenience, but also represents competition for many mom-and-pop stores.
The anger as been swift, funny and brutal heres nine of the best:
if you replace my bodega with a fucking box i will launch you into the sun
leon (@leyawn) September 13, 2017
Ivy Leaguers use education to invent cabinet
Daniel Edelman (@d_edelman) September 13, 2017
Two ex-Googlers want to replace your mom with the wire monkey on the right pic.twitter.com/ffpVLlbaAr
Alexia Bonatsos (@alexia) September 13, 2017
These two ex-Googlers Have a Plan to Kill You, Place your Corpse in a Trunk, & Invite your Fianc to Eat Dinner on Top of You: pic.twitter.com/xnDBWPEPQq
Log Lady, PhD (@AmandaAnnKlein) September 13, 2017
Two Ex-Googlers Have a Plan to Smack Y...
Just last night I was sat on the sofa thinking to myself, I wonder what Ringo Star thinks about Brexit? writes @M0gs over on Twitter.
Yes. Ringo has come out as pro-Brexit. Theres a short video on the BBC:
BBC Newsnight (@BBCNewsnight) September 13, 2017
So how did Twitter react? With a small amount of despair and mockery:
Of COURSE Ringo would have voted Leave; he's a 76 year old ex-pat.
Mitch Benn (@MitchBenn) September 13, 2017
Surprise u-turn as Ringo Starr urges UK to get by with absolutely no help from its friends.
Nicholas Pegg (@NicholasPegg) September 13, 2017
Ringo has always been the most Brexit Beatle. Don't forget he left India early because he didn't like the food. The warning signs were there https://t.co/u1fyI2lMs8
hrtbps (@hrtbps) September 13, 2017
Ringo fits the MO for a Brexit supporter: Old, rich, lives abroad and didn't play on Back in the USSR.
John Rain (@MrKenShabby) September 13, 2017
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A hard-working local millennial couple has revealed the horror that dawn on the day after buying their first house when they only received 100 collective likes between them on their various social media posts. Proudly showing off their humble new three-bedroom South Betoota home, Dennis and Amanda Munro though 
The post Young Couple Regret Buying First Home After Only Getting 100 Likes Between Them appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A couple of lavender-scented local blokes say that the Church should actually consider how many people are being forced to sin because they arent allowed to get married. The inner-Betoota bookshop owners say that they have tried their best to live a life in accordance with the Lords word, but eventually they got 
The post Gay Christians Fed Up With Having To Have Gay Sex Outside Of Gay Wedlock appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Uh OH! Matty has dumped Australias favourite #BACHELORAU contestant Tara, only to be met with a flood of angry tweets from people who are actually emotionally invested in which Gold Coast-based Instagram model this robot decides to spend the next 6 months with, This means theres two left. Elise and Laura. Whos it 
The post Osher Escorted Off Set Of Bachelor After Literally Cutting The Tension With A Knife appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer (On The TV) | Contact Once touted as the next tech hub of South West Queensland, Betootacone Gully ultimately failed to attract a large tech company needed to boost the local economy. But one towns loss is another mans treasure. One start-up the district did lure in was Sunplantia, a company that helps outdoor 
The post Tech Start-Up Office Feeling Immediately Threatened As Company Hires First Woman appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NRL CEO Todd Greenberg has backed up his statement saying the game must grow up in relation to Cronulla coach Shane Flanagans criticism of match officials. Greenberg says despite the $30,000 fine dished out towards Flanagan for his immature comments, he does agree with the sentiment, and as of 2018, the competition will 
The post NRL To Replace Referees With Honesty System After Complaints From Sharks Coach appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A younger family friend that you havent seen in years has a very cringeworthy social media presence, it has been confirmed. Tommy (24) whos dad is a good mate of yours, has been going by the nickname of T-Mad for many years now, as he pursues a career in Youtube hip hop. I 
The post Younger Family Friend From Small Town Still Pursuing A Career In Aussie Hip Hop appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Returning from the other side of the planet with wild stories of the frontier, a local traveller crashed out around 8AM this morning after a marathon 30-hour journey home from London. As a result, Betoota Grove-resident Harley Hawthorne is jet-lagged beyond all comprehension. Ive just been on an aeroplane, in 
The post Local Jet-Lagged Man Only Has The Energy To Tell People Hes Jet-Lagged appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
At a modest 1,149, the iPhone X is this years must have accessory for the destitute; alongside a dog, a copy of the Big Issue and the smell of wee. The new device comes with inbuilt GPS to remind you where you used to live and a poo emoji to tell you how shit your life has become.
Despite a 60% rise in homelessness, of which over 120,000 are children, those living in temporary accommodation will be able to use the ample 5.8 inch display as an umbrella or a rudimentary lean-to. While the homelessness problem costs the UK economy over 1bn a year, it is still cheaper than the average iPhone contract.
Face recognition may be challenging as the homeless are prone to growing beards and loosing teeth. One tramp noted: As a discerning hobo, Im naturally attracted to the fact it has more custom features than Samsung. Ill certainly be switching mobile contracts, the moment I can liquidate my share portfolio.
A Government spokesman commented on the 134% increase in rough sleepers: There are many benefits to being homeless except of course, actual house benefits. For instance, the chances of being burned to death in a tower block is virtually nil. And if you sleep in a Apple shop doorway youll be first in line for the sales.
One Nation Senator for now Malcolm Roberts has demanded that the Government cover the ABCs Ultimo headquarters in tin foil if it wants his vote to pass new media ownership laws.
The ABC is out of control and its time someone did something about it, said an animated Senator Roberts. I mean yesterday they showed a program about two bananas running around the beach enjoying the sun. Talk about propaganda for the renewables industry, why couldnt those two fruits enjoy coal?
Dangerous ideas they are spreading at the ABC, they even had the gall to question me once in an interview, can you believe it.
When reached for comment on Senator Roberts demands Communications Minister Mitch Fifield replied: Thats better than we expected from One Nation. Only having to cover the ABC studios in tin foil. We approached Derryn Hinch and he wanted a whole news channel devoted to himself so were getting there.
These new laws will be great for Australians, especially those named Murdoch.
You can follow The (un)Australian...
Deja view, all over again. Somehow it feels like the evening of November 8, 2016. The U.S. presidential election that just keeps on giving. With Hillary Clinton's recent triumphant return to the media spotlight with her new book "What Happened", it s...
Despite the previous biblical claims of Trump.com Stormwall it has turned out to be just as useless as everything else he has promised. Despite the Godlike claims made by Trump.com, Scientists have confirmed that the StormWall...
Didnt see this coming.
The post Apple unveils new range of presidential emojis in surprise Donald Trump tie-up appeared first on The Poke.
Harrison Ford was asked by GQ magazine how he came to punch Ryan Gosling during the filming of the Blade Runner sequel.
His answer quickly went viral on Twitter. We love you Harrison.
William Goodman (@goodmanw) September 13, 2017
And just in case thats tricky to read
I punched Ryan Gosling in the face. Ryan Goslings face was where it should not have been.
His job was to be out of the range of the punch. My job was also to make sure that I pulled the punch. But we were moving, and the camera was moving, so I had to be aware of the angle to the camera to make the punch look good. You know, I threw about a hundred punches in the shooting of it and I only hit him once.
[So he should be grateful?]
I have pointed that out Its 90% his fault.
[That is very]
generous of me.
[He said you went to his dressing room with a bottle of scotch, poured him a glass then walked out with the bottle?]
I did. What did he fucking expect the whole bottle? You know, I figured one drink would fix it. That was enough.
[Ford said Gosling was fun to work with]
I like him a lot. Hes a smart guy. I mean, hes a fucking Mouseketeer hes been doing this since he was 6 years old or something.
So Gosling is complaining about being punched by a 75-year-old?
Ben Silencing (@BenSilencing) September 13, 2017
Gosling is lucky he's not eating from a tube now. Two aircraft and the fucking Millennium Falcon have tried to kill Ford and failed.
Clark Oliver (@TK9582) September 13, 2017
"A F'ing Mouseketeer"
Definitely should be part of Goslings Epitaph.
Matthew Craft (@matthewcraft78) September 13, 201...
While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, lets not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, Im being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly
Thinktank suggests strategy for dealing with Hillary Clinton.
CINCINNATI Metalcore stalwarts Agony of Death are closing in on a band agreement that could lead to their first foray into SoundCloud rap, according to sources close to the quartet.
Lead singer Hardwin Tito first hinted at the possible change this past Friday.
Internet rap could be a solid next step for the band. Ive seen some YouTube videos, and I think Im ready to completely change my entire identity, said Tito. SoundCloud really seems to be where the music of the future will live.
Weve toured southwestern Ohio relentlessly for the past 14 years, added drummer Darren Boston. Our fan base just never really got off the ground, for whatever reason.
The band noted the lukewarm reception to their last three albums as the major reason for their reinvention, but some members are reportedly skeptical.
Obviously, Im excited to get a face tattoo, dont get me wrong. But I really cant see myself sipping sizzurp, said guitarist Marcus McConnell. Tito goes through these phases. That vaporwave phase was particularly annoying, but so was the glitch art tumblr.
Many SoundCloud artists weighed in on the bands decision, including notable n-metal DJ, DJ Joe Pesci.
Listen, I quit my band in 2015 to do SoundCloud full-time, and it was the best decision I ever made, said Pesci. I make over $90 per month through SoundCloud. The best part is, I get to record all my music in my new studio the guest bedroom of my aunts house.
Im excited for the new direction, said Tito. Im very serious about rapping and gaining clout within my new scene. Ive been following underground rap for a while PO$TMANE, Xanmanda Bynes, XXXorcism, or anyone from Knife Boi Squad. I like Lil House Phone a lot, too. If you like them, follow $$BankrollBoyz$$ on Instagram.
The forward-thinking band allegedly did consider other options to gain the large following they desire.
It was either this or become Christian again, said bassist Jack Lomp. So its this.
Show off your support for The Hard Times with a brand new shirt:
Now that Hillary Clinton is back in the news with a vengeance, promoting her new book "What Happened", it's obvious to everyone what Hillary has been doing for the last year: Reliving Wednesday, November 9, 2016, over and over again. Just like "Groun...
Paris Lees (@parislees) September 13, 2017
Probably for the best he never saw Twitter.
Over on Twitter @TechnicallyRon has come up with a handy guide to identifying different types of Brexiteer. And its right on the button as ever.
Which type of Brexiteer are you? pic.twitter.com/Fr7hkcbQxJ
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 13, 2017
Not only that, @TechnicallyRon is offering a personal diagnosis to anyone who gets in touch (not that theyre appreciating it that much).
None of the above , just someone who sees how different it is now to what the blackmailed Heath told is it would be , in 1973.
bill brown (@billbrown54) September 13, 2017
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 13, 2017
Ha typical left. Bitter because they are not getting their own way. Petty name calling and insults. Sad
Peter (@peter_sugrue) September 13, 2017
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 13, 2017
I live in London/Manchester, vote labour, and am doing my dissertation on EU trade next year. Which am I?
sam glover (@glovelyjubbly) September 13, 2017
Parents of a child who is a school with other children who are clearly not called Callum have withdrawn their child from education. Speaking to the press this morning, Mr and Mrs Price of Hampshire say Callum came home asking why other children had a names other than Callum.
Mr Price said: When I couldnt answer that question I realised my chances of explaining verbs and nouns or helping with science homework were zero, so weve called it a day with education. We will keep him at him at home with some Lego and alphabet spaghetti that spells out his name.
Mr and Mrs Price belong to a religion that only recognises the name Callum and have both changed their names to Callum by deed poll. They feel their religious freedom is being infringed by people not all doing exactly as they want and changing their names to Callum. The vicar at their church Reverend Callum French says this sort of discrimination is becoming more widespread.
People seem to think that their modern ideas of different names for different people are somehow progressive and that it helps people express their true selves more easily, but if everyone isnt called Callum, how confusing is that to a child? No one seems to be thinking about the children called Callum here do they?
The Church of Callum is now helping the Price family to take the local education authority to court, however so far they have been unsuccessful in finding a solicitor named Callum.
So this is what happens if you take a whole bunch of screen grabs from the Great British Bake Off complete with subtitles and look at them entirely out of context. Lovely stuff.
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 13, 2017
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 12, 2017
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 8, 2017
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 2, 2017
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 7, 2017
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 1, 2017
no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 5, 2017
A man from London can barely bring himself to touch his disgusting less-than-a-year old iPhone 7, with its crappy camera and pathetic processing power that seems to mock him with every email he receives.
Now the iPhone X has been announced feels like Im walking around with a big lump of shit in my pocket, wept the man, who can barely bring himself to look at the expensive phone he bought less than a year ago, let alone touch it.
You wouldnt hold a turd next to your face in polite society and thats how it feels when I answer a call on this crappy, outdated iPhone 7, he added.
Jesus, I feel sick just saying the name out loud. I imagine all my iPhone X owning friends will ridicule me for not spending a grand on a phone that can do animated emojis.
I might as well throw it down the toilet instead of facing the heavy burden of using this outdated pile of shit.
The post Tearful man can barely look at his shitty, year-old iPhone 7 appeared first on The Poke.
Apple has unveiled details of the iPhone 8 and something called the iPhone X. The X stands for expensive it costs 1,149.
The iPhone 8 now has glass on the back. Now I can shatter my screen on BOTH sides and stare into my reflection with disappointment twice
Gabby (@c_gabby14) September 12, 2017
NEW IPHONE. UNLOCKS BY SUCKING OUT YOUR SOUL. PERIODICALLY BLINDS YOU. STEALS YOUR FACE. NIC CAGE HAS YOUR FACE NOW. NEW IPHONE. pic.twitter.com/2uQpdnSLeO
TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 13, 2017
DUE TO COMPANY PASSWORD POLICY WE WILL BE REQUIRING ALL STAFF WHO GET THE NEW IPHONE TO HAVE THEIR FACE SURGICALLY ALTERED EVERY 90 DAYS
PHP CEO (@PHP_CEO) September 12, 2017
iphones have face ID
apple builds massive face database
hackers hack it
someone 3d prints my face, jerks off on it, & mails it to me
Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) September 12, 2017
Is Apple threatening me? pic.twitter.com/3fPExTqJ4f
CPUK (@ComicPrintingUK) September 12, 2017
apple: iPhone 8 camera is better than ever!
android user: we had that already   pic.twitter.com/VOHFNNst7I
koby (@kobychill) September 12, 2017
Freeview (@FreeviewTV) September 12, 2017
I do not recognize Paul out of uniform.
Lambertus Cornelius (@lambertusc) September 12, 2017
It's scarily accurate
Caoimhe Platt (@caoimheplatt) September 12, 2017
Sandis blouse was white tho?? And Paul's shirt wasn't red?? Did you even watch it?
Alicia Penman (@mrspenno30) September 12, 2017
Magic of TV, innit?
The post Want to feel old? This is what the Teletubbies look like now appeared first on The Poke.
As if the world wasnt weird enough already, this happens.
Gobsmacked. Very Upsetting pic.twitter.com/d3nXQcSHT8
bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) September 12, 2017
The only Mayo that doesnt make us want to heave is the one on Radio 2. Maybe Im just old-fashioned. Is it time for a referendum?
Salad Cream sits sage like, 'Ketchup, now you know how it feels to be usurped by the young, bright thing. Brown Sauce never got over it.'
Raymond (@raubrey) September 12, 2017
Finally people are coming to their senses!!!!
Lindsay Gordon (@linzisueboo) September 12, 2017
MY wife loves 'Mayo' with her chips! However this is a game changer.
Dave Watkin (@Dave2w2) September 12, 2017
Ketchup is a child's condiment. Like pouring wet Haribo on your chips. None o' that.
ZJ Corrigan (@voidwarbler) September 12, 2017
BOXIA (@Boxia_Music) September 12, 2017
This 3D latte art is just amazing.
3D Latte Art from Reissue Cafe pic.twitter.com/FBju3Bz4IJ
(@AestheticsJapan) September 11, 2017
The Reissue cafe in Japan has a latte artist who can top your coffee with an edible picture based on any photo you like.
And we really do mean any.
Remind you of anything?
CALCIATORI BRUTTI (@CB_Ignoranza) September 10, 2017
We cant speak Italian, but we have a hunch we know what theyre saying.
Meanwhile in Genoa, Goran Pandev has taken the term 'dickhead' to a whole new level pic.twitter.com/C4Ij6cxHYQ
BenchWarmers (@BeWarmers) September 10, 2017
Yep, thought so.
Probably one trophy he wasnt keen on winning.
The chap with the unfortunate hairline is Genoa striker Goran Pandev. Just in case you still dont get it
Is that a pair of balls and a willy
Lewis Botfield (@lewis_botfield) September 10, 2017
Yes, yes it is.
The post Most unfortunate shaped hairline youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.
You dont have to be a fan of Scouse House to enjoy this. What an extraordinary labour of love this must have been, put together by @swedemason.
Dont take our verdict, listen to these guys.
b3ta (@b3ta) September 12, 2017
Listen to a whole load more of
@swedemasons stuff here.
The post Someone cobbled together bits of Paul McCartney and its his best song for 30 years appeared first on The Poke.
Richard Branson has been tweeting about his concerns for the environment in the wake of Hurricane Irma and reckons man-made climate change is to blame.
Richard Branson (@richardbranson) September 5, 2017
Which prompted Frankie Boyle to remind his Twitter followers of his epic put-down of the Virgin man a few years back.
Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) September 11, 2017
Richard Branson (@richardbranson) March 30, 2015
And Boyles reply.
@richardbranson You own an airline you mad cunt
Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) April 1, 2015
He wasnt the only one to make the connection.
it's a good thing you never owned a company that burned millions of gallons of jet fuel and put tons of added carbon into the atmosphere
dave murphin (@davidmurphin) September 6, 2017
Well, we never did.
i just found out that the division symbol () is just a blank fraction with dots replacing the numerator and denominator. oh my god.
abdul (@Advil) September 11, 2017
Turns out that was only the start.
The = symbol was specifically designed to be two lines of visibly equal length. Unbeatable design.
Derwin McGeary (@derwinmcgeary) September 11, 2017
in addition to the percent % there is also a for thousandths and for ten thousandths
vex addict (@valrus) September 12, 2017
is called the permille while is the PERMYRIAD
Filippe Vasconcellos (@fvguima) September 12, 2017
The Percent sign's almost-vertical line & two circles are the components of the number "100", arranged like a fraction.
"/, o, o" => "100"
John M. Black (@blackjohnm) September 12, 2017
Have we led a sheltered life?
Where have you...
Newsnight sent everyones favourite BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafternaker, to report from Hurricane Irma. Of course it did.
But unfortunately for everyone involved, it wasnt the wind that caught our attention.
BBC Newsnight (@BBCNewsnight) September 11, 2017
Um Tomasz. where are your trousers??
Tracy (@PrehistoricCat) September 11, 2017
Tomasz is a national treasure . I hope he's being paid well for this assignment
Cecilia May (@queenbeecc) September 11, 2017
Did you also take his pants??? Inhumane
the holy gail (@GailsGoneMild) September 11, 2017
Making people stand in the midst of a hurricane for ratings is shitty thing to do to another human being. #AllNetworksShouldStopDoingIt
Vincent Waller (@VincentWaller72) September 11, 2017
Victoria Bowmer (@spagba) September 11, 2017
This will ring true for anyone whos ever been online. So anyone then.
Tom Gauld (@tomgauld) September 11, 2017
Tom Gauld (@tomgauld) September 8, 2017
The post Useful abbreviations for the time-pressed online reader appeared first on The Poke.
Failed Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has been mocked for liking a 2-minute long porn video on Twitter but our own politicians have also liked some dodgy stuff
1. Theresa May
2. Jeremy Corbyn
3. Jacob Rees-Mogg
4. David Davis
5. Nicola Sturgeon
The post If you thought Ted Cruz liking porn was bad, youll be shocked at what these 5 UK politicians enjoy appeared first on The Poke.
When @cutequeer97 poked fun at the nations fondness for a sandwich (were pretty sure it extends into Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as well) he had no idea what was about to happen next.
English people will dead put anything in a sandwich. Fish fingers, chips, crisps, sausages. You name it, it's going in the fucking bread
charlie (@cutequeer96) September 9, 2017
Not just the grief that was about to be unloaded on him, but just how much we REALLY WILL put between two slices of bread. It might start off nice and conventional but get a load of where it ends up.
There is nothing better than a fish finger sandwich and I will fight anyone who disagrees tbh
Toby (@toby_bickers) September 10, 2017
My dinner consisted of a fish finger and ketchup sarnie, a masterpiece
charlie (@cutequeer96) September 10, 2017
How many fish fingers did you manage to fit in the sandwich is the real question
Toby (@toby_bickers) September 10, 2017
The perfect amount pic.twitter.com/QTZE4SmzN1
charlie (@cutequeer96) September 10, 2017
okay but cheese, branston pickle and crisps tho
charlie moon (@Queerpigeon) September 10, 2017
The Met Office have come up with names for the upcoming storms that the UK will face this year but to be honest they all sound quite dull, so weve made them a bit more exciting.
And just in case you were wondering, here are the real thing.
Yep, ours are much better. Please do contribute your own in the comments.
This tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales, has just been unveiled and people cant quite get their heads round it.
so my home town just unveiled this princess diana memorial im done pic.twitter.com/iedI8XtAfy
Jonno Turner (@jonnot) September 12, 2017
It doesnt get any better in close up.
Hmmm, yep, you can definitely see the join here.
Heres what people made of it online.
This Diana 'tribute' in Chesterfield town centre is something else. pic.twitter.com/NOXO7m64Mw
Sean (@shornKOOMINS) September 11, 2017
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