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Monday, 15 January

01:30

First Date to DIY Basement Show Going About as Well as One Would Expect The Hard Times

OAKLAND A first date at a crowded DIY basement show is going about as good as one would expect, witnesses close to the tentative couple confirmed.

Elise Shepard, who met her date, Mark Lawson, in an Intro to Anthropology class, allegedly had little understanding of what she agreed to attend.

I thought itd be cool to see him play I just didnt know it was going to be in an unfinished basement, she said after realizing that Cocker Strangler, Alt-Tight, and three other grindcore bands still had to play before Lawsons band played. It feels like there might be a lot of black mold down here my throat is suddenly really scratchy, and Im wheezing more than I would have hoped on a first date.

Shepard confirmed a 10-on-1 fist fight inside the damp, crowded basement didnt help.

Most of the fighting was in the corner I stood in while texting my friend to come pick me up, said Shepard. I only cut my shoulder a little on a loose nail in the wall, though, so I guess it could be worse.

Lawson admitted the basement show was a poorly conceived compatibility test.

Related:

Yo, if shes gonna hang, she has to hang, Lawson said. At least no one puked on her. Oh, wait someone did puke on her, but it only got on her shoes and most of her pants. That will, like, come out in the shower.

However, in his efforts to be a gentleman, Lawson reportedly told Shepard the differences between racist skinheads and real ones, why he can still kinda be a skinhead, even though hes from an upper-class neighborhood, and 10 of his top fight stories over the course of their date.

Its fine. I dated a guy into cosplay before this. Seems like pretty much the same thing, Shepard said, letting out a loud sigh.

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Sunday, 14 January

23:00

Trump denies snubbing UK NewsBiscuit

A white house spokesman has denied that President Trump deliberately snubbed the UK by leaving it off his list of shithouse countries.  The spokesman said I can assure the people of Great Britain that the president truly regrets not including them along with nations such as Haiti, El Salvador and Nicaragua. Sadly, he misspoke during a moment of intense excitement while berating a junior member of staff over the opening of the US embassy in the notorious no go area of south London and any perceived snub was entirely unintentional. The people of Britain have absolutely nothing to feel defensive about as far as we are concerned.

You only have to look at the place the hospital corridors are clogged by dead bodies on the floor and patients on trolleys, the transport system disintegrates in a puff of wind and poor little impoverished Brits are trapped by record levels of personal debt. As far as the president is concerned its right up there with all the other undesirable locations he wouldnt want to go.
A state department official later said that sending Rex Tilloson to open the new embassy was a smart move if he gets blown up by one of the muslim gangs who rule south London and dies in the back of an ambulance queuing outside an A&E department itll save the president from having to sack him at a later date.

22:00

New Game Has You Play as Rogue Cop Who Follows All the Rules The Hard Times

AUSTIN, Texas  Blue Line: An Officers Tale, a new third person shooter game announced yesterday, is looking to breath life into the genre by letting you play as a renegade police officer that does everything by the book.

A demonstration of the games introductory level showcased the games nontraditional mechanics. Officer Travis Tompkins is seen responding to a burglary call in a middle class neighborhood. Upon discovering a barking dog tethered to a tree, the player quickly dispatches of it with his pistol.  Before he can search the doghouse for more ammunition, the game immediately transports the player to an interrogation room and a lengthy review process begins.  Eventually the character loses his job and the game is over.

You have to remember this isnt real life. This is a fantasy world where youre a highly trained and level-headed professional, lead game designer Kathleen Phelps said.

As we see in the next video, the trick here is to be mindful not to shoot the family dog and successfully walk around the perimeter of the house to the backyard, where you will find a hooded figure attempting to open a window.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

The demonstration then showed a proper playthrough of the level, where in lieu of a violent confrontation, the officer speaks with the man.  After a conversation minigame, it is revealed that he is the homeowner and is locked out of his house.  Once he has been boosted into the upstairs bedroom window, the level is complete.

Most of our game testers emptied a full clip into the man as soon as he reached for his identification, said Phelps. But that will lead you to a trial and ultimately a loss. The key to this game is restraint, and to remember that you are not rewarded for shooting dogs, men, women, kids, locks, mirrors, other cops, rac...

21:00

Kate Winslet weeps at scratchcard win NewsBiscuit

There were tearful scenes in North London yesterday as Kate Winslet reacted with stunned humility and was then overcome with emotion at her surprise win of 10 on a National Lottery scratch-card.

The card had been bought for her by her husband, director Sam Mendes, as a little domestic joke and at a dinner party in Hampstead, various showbiz guests were invited to scratch off the silver coating on their cards to see if any of them had won. When Sam announced that the winner of the maximum ten pound prize was Kate Winslet, his wife burst into tears as she stepped up to accept the cash.

There are so many great actors who deserve this more than me, wept Kate to the assembled guests. Really memorable actresses like Thingy, you know, whatserface. I would like to thank the National Lottery, Mr Patel who sold Sam the card, my friends and family for all the support they gave me on the incredible journey, and oh, God theres bound to be someone Ive forgotten.

Culture Minister Andy Burnham held up Winslets scratchcard win as a triumph for the United Kingdom. Britain is leading the field this year, with more scratchcard wins than the Americans and Europeans. It is something of which we can all be very proud.

Earlier in the month Kate was overcome with emotion when she got the little plastic toy with her portion of breakfast cereal and last week was tearful to discover that she was the millionth visitor to a website and had won a mystery prize. I could never have won this without the other 999,999 visitors sobbed Ms Winslet, who tomorrow flies to Nigeria to collect it with the cash payment that is apparently needed to access her latest award.

19:40

Christensen Duped Into Protein Shake Pyramid Scheme By Handsome Mate From School Days The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As Parliamentarians make their way back to Canberra after a lengthy Christmas break, it has been today reported that a certain North Queensland politician has been looking to encourage his colleagues to join him on an exciting journey that helps people align their work/life balance while also reaching their health goals! It is []

The post Christensen Duped Into Protein Shake Pyramid Scheme By Handsome Mate From School Days appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:01

Bernard Tomic Announces New Coaching Clinic The Shovel

tomic coaching clinic

Has your child got a talent for tennis? Want to make sure they do everything they can to reach 50-60% of their potential? Sign them up for the Bernard Tomic Coaching Clinic today!

 

This first appeared in The Shovel Annual buy your copy. 

 

18:03

Day For It: Man Takes To Social Media To Say The Weather Conducive To Drinking Alcohol The Betoota Advocate

DEIDRE DOBSON | Travel | Contact A resident of the leafy, exclusive enclave of Betoota Grove has confirmed to his 700 Instagram followers that today is definitely a day for it. Will St Germaine (26), a French Quarter real estate agent, has amassed a strong following on the app thanks to his constant confirmations of whether []

The post Day For It: Man Takes To Social Media To Say The Weather Conducive To Drinking Alcohol appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:24

Christmas Decorations Still Hanging Passive-Aggressively In Sharehouse The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT While pitiful to begin with, the Christmas decorations hanging in a French Quarter share house are a constant reminder to all five housemates that none of them can ever be assed to invest their own time into improving their living conditions. Well into January, it is becoming clear all housemates are aware []

The post Christmas Decorations Still Hanging Passive-Aggressively In Sharehouse appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:20

Mum Impressed By Sons Hip New Sandshoes The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Always happy to pay his mother a visit, Ryan Carlile (34) wasnt expecting such a warm reaction from his mother, Lucile Carlile (58), in regards to his hip new sandshoes. Oooh, they look comfortable! Whats the writing on the side? Arent they flash! According to Ryan, his mother does not know []

The post Mum Impressed By Sons Hip New Sandshoes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:03

Irish Bartender Stocks Up On White Cuff Dress Shirts After Being Promoted To Manager The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local hospitality professional has today shown that, when given the opportunity to lose the plain black bartender t-shirt, he actually knows how to scrub up real nice, like. After just 18 months working as a glassie and eventually a charismatic bartender, Irish bloke Danny Kelly has been given the nod by []

The post Irish Bartender Stocks Up On White Cuff Dress Shirts After Being Promoted To Manager appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:48

Tractor Sufficiently Bogged Enough To Warrant Getting Dad Involved The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Try as the might, the Inter is bogged. Rather than face the ultimate humiliation and get Dad to come and help you, two local brothers attempted to save face today and get Big Red out of a bog by themselves but both of them knew their efforts were []

The post Tractor Sufficiently Bogged Enough To Warrant Getting Dad Involved appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:40

St Kilda Man Fed Up With African Gangs Taking Over Foreshore Where He Used To Bash Gays The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A nostalgic Melbourne elite is today reminiscing on a much more simpler time, before the waves of South Sudanese migrants welcomed to Australia by his favourite ever Prime Minister, John Howard. Freddie Baxter (57) is a pretty open-minded kind of bloke, he catches a tram to work in the inner-city, and he []

The post St Kilda Man Fed Up With African Gangs Taking Over Foreshore Where He Used To Bash Gays appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

May proposes levies on colostomy bags and urine bottles NewsBiscuit

Theresa May has outlined her plans for solving both the funding needs problem of the NHS and the future of the environment.  From 2019 colostomy bags used in England and Wales will be subject to a 5p charge and a 25p deposit will be applied to plastic urinal bottles. All money raised will be recycled back into the NHS leaving much needed tax payers money to be used for more important initiatives such as compensating landowners in the path of HS2, the modernisation of Westminster Hall and more Trident missiles.
Speaking from a platform of discarded shopping trollies and car tyres at the London Wetland Centre, the Prime Minister denounced calls for extra funding for the NHS and proposed new ways of funding which would benefit both patients and the environment alike.  Sea mammals including dolphins and turtles will no longer be subjected to dying in NHS corridors or flapping around and clogging up hospital beds, which is good news for local communities and other forms of pond life.
We have proved that recycling works as evidenced by the recent recycling of Jeremy Hunt who has got a minimum of 500 years ministerial life in front of him as it will take that much time for him to decompose.
Rumours that the Secretary of State for Health is to levy a 5p charge on NHS body bags during the much anticipated flu-crisis have yet to be confirmed.
Hat Tip to Crayon

05:56

Donald Trumps Twisted Map Of The World The Poke

HIGNFYs Twitter feed has just shared a map of the world that nails Trumps twisted world view

 

The post Donald Trumps Twisted Map Of The World appeared first on The Poke.

04:30

Hard-Hitting Journalist Asks Where Band Name Came From, if Theyre Having Fun on Tour The Hard Times

PHILADELPHIA Reporter Bradley Gufftaw turned the world of music journalism on its heels yesterday during an impromptu interview of hardcore band Boston Bred, asking where the bands name came from and if theyre having fun on the road, shocked sources confirmed.

The soul-bearing interview, recorded post-show as the band loaded their 92 Toyota Previa in the alley behind legendary hardcore venue Kyle Michaels Deaf Grandmas House, sent shockwaves racing through the music world for its raw, unabashed questions.

This is a total game-changer, said Eliza Krosslaw, a Harvard media professor and author of Academic as Fuck! Before this, journalists would ask bands, Hows it going? Or maybe, When does the new record come out? Were in avant-garde territory. No one can predict where journalism goes from here.

Gufftaw immediately took to social media to defend his actions, posting his side of the story prior to even turning in his first draft.

Related:

I had one chance [to interview them], okay? Im not some asshole. I know you have to build rapport and trust over several interviews before I could even ask about their favorite song to play live. I took my shot, said Gufftaw. It boils down to a core sense of identity. We live in a society that takes things way too seriously, and I needed to know if these musicians were on the road having fun.

The band addressed the controversy the following night onstage at Baltimores 40-40 Club.

Listen up: were Boston Bred. Last night, Im sure you all heard, we were packing our gear when this so-called journalist bombards us with his gotcha questions, said frontman Dorchester Donny Sullivan. Youre not family, bro. No more interviews. Ever. This first song is Betrayal From On High!

At press time, Gufftaw was busy working on a new investigative piece about whether a local comedian wants to quit her day job someday.

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01:30

Guy Cant Tell if Goth Date is Disinterested or if Thats Just Part of Her Whole Thing The Hard Times

PHOENIX 33-year-old Josh Dalton is unsure whether the goth woman he dated last night was merely disinterested in him, or if her cold demeanor was just part of her whole thing, sources close to the graphic designer confirmed.

Dalton admitted he struggled to get a read on Molly Sanchez, a 29-year-old used book store employee and part-time taxidermist who occasionally goes by the alias Lenore Ravengrave.

It was mostly just one long, awkward silence, said Dalton. I know first dates are tough, but it was like pulling teeth to get anything more than one-word responses. I tried talking about shit I thought she might be into, like H.P. Lovecraft or something, but nothing. I saw The Cure a few years ago, and I think I had Floodland by Sisters of Mercy at one point, but aside from that, its not really my world.

Sanchez allegedly only became more distant and icy when they arrived at a downtown coffee shop, leading Dalton to wonder if he somehow offended her, or if she was just thinking about dead birds or black lace or whatever.

Related: 

I asked her if she read any good books lately. Thats open-ended enough, right? She just stared past me, sipped her black coffee and said, Print is dead, said an exasperated Dalton. But shes way cute, and her makeup was on-point. She had a Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice thing going on. You can see the bind I was in.

Even after dropping Sanchez off later in the evening, Dalton couldnt tell if he should ask for a potential second date.

If she wasnt into me, thats fine. I get it, said Dalton. But was she? Where would we even go on a second date, anyway? A graveyard? Do they actually do that? My moms been trying to fix me up with someone she works with. Maybe Ill finally let that happen.

For her part, Sanchez claimed the date was a complete success.

I had a great time. Hes really nice, and super funny, Sanchez said. I havent laughed like that in forever, and he really seemed to get all my jokes. Do I wait for him to text me? Do I text him? Honestly, those types of people really confuse me.

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...

00:44

White Genocide: Wheres the Kwanzaa for White People? The Hard Times

Well, I had a very interesting Christmas season. Sorry, I forgot Im not supposed to say Christmas anymore I meant, happy HOLIDAYS. Anyway, I recently learned about some new holiday called Kwanzaa. I havent done much research, but its clearly only for black people. Sorry, Im not supposed to say black either. Kwanzaa is for happy holidays people.

That said, it actually sounds kinda cool and it got me thinking: where is the Kwanzaa for white people?

Seriously, I think were the only ones not getting our due! This Kwanzaa thing isnt an isolated incident, its a pattern. The Jews get Hanukkah, the Mexicans get Feliz Navidad, and now theres this Kwanzaa thing. And were left with what? Just Christmas? I have had enough shitty Christmases for one lifetime, I want something special. Something just for us. I want a white Kwanzaa. We dont have to call it that, though. I was thinking something like Alabastra, but less gay. Sorry, less happy holidays.

Related: My Grandfather Didnt Die in WWII for You to Say Happy Holidays. He Died for Nazi Germany

 

I posted about the lack of a white-centric holiday on Twitter, and of course people are coming at me super angry and missing the point. Telling me every day is white people day. Yeah, I wish.

Besides, Kwanzaa is seven days long and it starts after Christmas. It doesnt seem fair that we opened up Christmas to share with everybody and they turn around and spend an additional week getting even more gifts. A whole week they probably spend opening presents and watching Get Out and cracking jokes on white people or whatever. Again, havent done much research.

Im not even saying that black people shouldnt have Kwanzaa. They wanna have their thing, fine. Now let us have ours. Im always in support of separate but equal. Im a moderate.

Cant we just get one holiday where we get to celebrate or are we too privileged? By the way, if white people are so privileged, then how come I didnt get anything I wanted for Christmas this year?

Theres something to think on.

Still need to buy someone a Kwanzaa gift because you dont know when Kwanzaa is? Better be on the safe side and buy them a Hard Times t-shirt today:

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Saturday, 13 January

23:00

Queens advice on wearing crown expected to save thousands of lives NewsBiscuit

The Queen has issued timely advice on wearing crowns: Its vital that you dont look down, you could break your neck.

The advice comes just in time for the regular crown buying season of early January. The head of Harrods crown, diadem and coronet department explained more; Although crowns are regular sellers, the new year makes people think about ruling countries and, obviously, a crown is one the first things you need so January is the big month for crowns, thrones and flag poles.

Secretary of State, Jeremy Hunt, seconded the Queens advice. Crown injuries are up there with flu, road accidents and unicorn bites. If only people followed commonsense advice when they wear their crowns. Perhaps have an everyday crown and keep the heavy one for special occasions.

22:18

Porn star describes Donald Trump as a complete gentleman and the bar is set high for 2018 The Poke

Donald Trumps lawyer has denied the president had an affair with an adult film star called Stormy Daniels star 12 years ago, a year after he married Melania.

But the so-called presidents lawyer did not address a specific allegation that Trump paid her $130,000 at the end of 2016 in the final days of the presidential election to prevent her from discussing the encounter.

Stormy Daniels real name is Stephanie Clifford and heres what she had to say about it.

We like the bit of the defence that says she cant have had an affair with him otherwise shed have written a book about it by now.

Thirteen days in and 2018 is already firing on all cylinders.

Heres the pick of the responses online.

Fake news?

21:00

Google moves into analogue market with launch of Google Pen NewsBiscuit

Google penInternet giant Google has begun a foray into the parts of the world as yet unavailable to them with the launch of a pen which records your handwriting and sends the information you provide back to the Googleplex in California.

The pen uses motion sensors and sophisticated algorithms to capture the users movements when writing, translates them into readable digital data and posts them back to Googles servers via the nearest available Wi-Fi port. Its viability has only become possible after Google realised it had accidentally and inadvertantly recorded every available wireless connection in the world as the Street View cars went around taking pictures of your house.

The pens will be sent out in their millions to every known postcode and will be branded with the Google logo which, through clever electronic trickery, will change every few days into a new Google doodle to keep scribblers and doodlers interested in using them.

The analogue field is not something which weve been able to reach but now that we are able to access handwritten thoughts we can truly tailor your real-world experience to provide suitable advertisments which reflect your needs as a consumer. Weve hooked up with all the major retailers so, say youre writing a shopping list on a piece of paper, the Google pen will record your requests and a new system of billboards and mind control in the analogue physical environment of your supermarket will point you in the direction of the best purchase of the day, which we think is terrific for all sorts of reasons, grinned Google chief executives Sergei Brin and Larry Page.

On the Google plus side, the pen is claimed to provide a faster scribbling experience than any other mode of paper-based, dextrous, anologue notation. Its the best, fastest, smoothest pen on the market, the company claims, and also, they say, seemlessly ties your thoughts in with your social network which makes putting everything you do on line sooo much easier. But, Google admits, the pen will need to update itself in the background from time to time and handwriting may be slower during those periods as a result.

The pen will be introduced in time for users to sign up for the new Google privacy policy on March 1st. Weve learnt a lot from phone hacking and now will only allow you to use Google systems if we have your complete consent to read your emails, identify your physical location and monitor connections with people who are dearest to you, and use that information for whatever purpose we want, said Mr Page.

I...

14:29

Couple Who Waited Until Everyone Could Marry Desperately Searching For New Excuse The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the first same-sex weddings begin to take place across the nation, long-term couple Richard Stein (30) and Julia Lewis (31) have realised they can no longer say theyre not getting married until everyone can. While both members of the six-year strong couple state they are happy marriage is now something everyone []

The post Couple Who Waited Until Everyone Could Marry Desperately Searching For New Excuse appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:14

Concerned Onlookers Relieved To Discover Person Driving On Footpath Isnt Drunk But 89-Years-Old The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Earlier today, a late model Nissan was spotted driving erratically down Peanut Street in Betoota Heights. Onlookers were concerned, the car was all over the road and many fellow motorists phoned through their concerns to police. However, upon catching up to the car, a local man was relieved to discover that a drunk []

The post Concerned Onlookers Relieved To Discover Person Driving On Footpath Isnt Drunk But 89-Years-Old appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:14

Local American Hopes He Can Wear His Flag Shirt With Pride Again One Day The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact For over a year, Steele Fightmasters favourite American flag button-up has hung in the corner of his walk-in wardrobe in Betoota Grove untouched. Arriving in the Desert Capital four years ago for work, the 34-year-old said that ever since you-know-what happened in 2016, hes felt embarrassed about being outwardly American. Even though he []

The post Local American Hopes He Can Wear His Flag Shirt With Pride Again One Day appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:32

Boomer Who Hasnt Watched A Game Of Tennis Since This Time Last Year Has Strong Opinions On Nick Kyrgios The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though most of his mates down at the Cashew & Pogostick Inn in Betoota Heights would describe him as spirited, those who know him best just say hes an angry man. Nobody knows what Johan Prescott is angry about, they just know he is. The 61-year-old explained to The []

The post Boomer Who Hasnt Watched A Game Of Tennis Since This Time Last Year Has Strong Opinions On Nick Kyrgios appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:52

Noam Chomskys Commentary Going Over About Just as Well in Phantasy Star IV as in Real Life The Hard Times

MOTAVIA Renowned linguist and political activist Noam Chomsky has discovered that the people of Phantasy Star IV have demonstrated an equally disparaging reaction to his social commentary as those in real life, sources close to the 89-year-old confirmed today.

Chomsky decided to share his sentiments on the world of Motavia after noticing its resemblance to Earth and the challenges both planets face.

I was unable to endure any further dismantling of Motavia at the hands of a despotic magician and his sinister overlords, he said of Zio, the powerful spellcaster who has won favor among a growing segment of the population by means of violence and wild promises. I simply couldnt sit idly by as the ruling class continued to grease the cogs of its subversive mechanisms by arousing fear in the masses.

Although, just like at home, nobody seems to give a shit, he added.




...

10:55

Anyone without a bed can sleep on my couch, says Hunt NewsBiscuit

The Health Secretary has kindly offering to tackle the NHS over-crowding crisis by making use of his emergency futon. Critics have suggested that he is out of touch, but Mr. Hunt remains confident that the bed issue can be resolved: How many patients are we talking about? One? Two?.

Mr. Hunt spoke of his experience of dealing with similar problems, when a wine and nibbles party in 1996 resulted in a random guest having to use one of his six spare-rooms. A spokeswoman recounted: It was chaos at the time. The cheese board had been left out, Jeremy was forced to use his third favourite ergonomic pillow and there was barely enough hot water in the morning to heat the Jacuzzi and the pool.

Meanwhile interior designers have been called in to offer patient storage solutions; including bunkbeds in corridors, hammocks in waiting rooms and snug cubicles in the mortuary. Likewise, for a similar price to a central London hotel, you can stay in an NHS carpark and get a perfectly good nights sleep in your spacious boot.

The spokeswoman said: There are so many options available to the NHS loft conversions, extend into the garage or simply throw down some scatter cushions. Many Ministers are offering free beds although Id avoid Damian Green, Michael Fallon and Boris Johnson for the obvious reasons.

10:31

Experts Find Censoring Lyrics In Teenage Dirtbag Did Little To Prevent School Shootings The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A 17-year study has concluded that the removal a song lyric regarding a fictional character bringing a fake gun to school in the song Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus has, unfortunately, done nothing to end gun violence in the USA. The lyric in question references a boyfriend who is stated to be a dick []

The post Experts Find Censoring Lyrics In Teenage Dirtbag Did Little To Prevent School Shootings appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:08

Sadist Finds Pleasure In Shaking Towel Up Wind Of Other Beachgoers The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Deciding to cool off today at Betootas lesser-known waterparks, the old Mansfield Quarry, Betoota Heights man, Jason Pane (32), experienced what can only be described as the most inconsiderate and sadistic act known to any beach loving Australian shaking ones towel near other beachgoers. The old Mansfield Quarry []

The post Sadist Finds Pleasure In Shaking Towel Up Wind Of Other Beachgoers appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:07

Support Group Set Up For Gen-Ys Who Werent Allowed To Watch The Simpsons The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With mounting house prices and increased cost of living (see Coachella tickets) becoming more widespread, welfare and lifestyle margins has become an important issue for many members of Generation Y. With youth organisations working hard to provide support for young people dealing with an array of different issues, one organisation has sought to []

The post Support Group Set Up For Gen-Ys Who Werent Allowed To Watch The Simpsons appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:18

Post Trumps Remarks The King Center Spares No Expense Spinning Tomb Of MLK Jr. For Entire Weekend Daily Discord

Atlanta, GAThe King Center has rented apparatus to have the Atlanta tomb of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and his wife Coretta Scott King rotated for the entire MLK weekend. The centers board of directors finalized the decision yesterday after President Trump referred to Haiti and African countries as shitholes. CEO of the center and MLKs youngest child, Bernice King, said,

04:54

Revealed: The real reason why Donald Trump loves Norway so much The Poke

Donald Trump wishes more people would come to the United States from Norway than shithole countries in Africa and South America.

And heres why.

Boom!

And now with moving pictures.

HAHA yes! (What did he say?)

READ MORE

Whole of Norway trolls Donald Trump and his shithole country

Source...

04:30

Forward-Thinking Band Drafts Public Apology at First Practice The Hard Times

OAKLAND Blackened crust band DEATH BIRD has penned an extensive, preemptive apology note to their community before writing any music, dismissive sources confirmed today.

First and foremost, wed like to apologize for our innately racist perspectives and lifestyles outside of this band, the letter began. We admit to, and promise to no longer engage in, various appropriative activities that erase members of this community, including, but not limited to, buying tickets to Boo! A Madea Halloween. We hear you, and we are sorry.

The band went on to apologize for not being female-fronted, a feature they tried really hard to make happen, but couldnt when no women agreed to spend time with them in any capacity and included an apology for their anticipated sexual experiences.

Dave [Parker] is likely the most heteronormative of the bunch, and intends to have meaningful, consenting, one-night relationships each and every night if we end up touring, and he is already sorry, the letter read. So sorry.

In addition to the 3,500-word apology note, the band is also allegedly discussing which influences to mix into their art.

Related:

Roger is more a fan of 80s self-loathing, which mixes well with our bass player Boyds more modern sense of guilt. On drums, I think I bring a certain unique sense of shame and culpability to the group, drummer Sam Figueiredo said.

The bands singer, James Cannon, agreed.

Looking in the mirror and seeing the white male gaze look back at me every day is horrifying we need to include that in there, Cannon said. Honestly, I hope Im the last white male frontman in the history of music.

UPDATE: Upon the completion of their first practice, DEATH BIRD has kicked out guitarist David Parker. If you want to know why, the band asks that you please reach out privately. This is important, and we want to have a conversation with the community about it.

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03:16

S Club 7 bloke sells Brit award and everyone feels really, really old The Poke

Former S Club 7 member Paul Cattermole has gone on eBay to tell his Brit award saying he has bills to pay.

Hell be able to pay lots of bills after bidding hit 66,000 with three days still to go.

Heres what he had to say on his eBay page.

Here is the 2000 Brit Award for Best Newcomer Presented To Paul Cattermole from S Club 7 .

Statuette of Britannia 13 1/4 in height, it hasnt been professionally polished, there are smudges that wont come out without a pro polish. There are signs of age.

Where the arms meet the shoulders at the back, and where the neck and chest blend into the top of the dress. An indentation on the inside of the helmet. That is a casting bubble and has always been there. *See photos*

Letter of provenance will be provided , message for postage / meet and greet details .

Paul can meet you and greet you and take photos, distance depending :-)

Except maybe he didnt expect to hit such heady heights, coz hes prepared to drive a few extra miles to meet you if youve going to pay that kind of crazy money (our words not his). Plus, hell let you off the five quid postage. Cheers buddy!

But, you know seriously. WTF?

I didnt expect it too skyrocket like this . I am watching every bid very closely and the vast majority of people have huge feedback. Some in the thousands.

If there are some silly bids at the end on Monday I will be deleting them and/or coming strait down the line to the next bidder . So you can bid with full confidence. Plus, this does change the travel distance for the meet and greet and make it much larger.

Postage can now be ignored . I will cover the full cost of postage with the most secure carrier . Ask me for details.

Heres the the band at their peak (although, frankly, we dont believe he is actually in this picture).

And heres what people are making of it on Twitter.

02:42

People are making up reasons why Donald Trump cancelled his London visit and it will make you proud to be British The Poke

Donald Trump has cancelled his planned trip to London next month to open the new US embassy amid fears of mass protests.

The so-called president said it was nothing to do with the thousands of people planning on taking to the streets to protest against him. Oh no!

Except the embassys plan to move from Mayfair to Nine Elms in London was first reported in October 2008, when George W Bush was still president.

Anyway, it got people coming up with their own excuses about why #IcancelledmytriptoLondon and here are our favourites.

1.

2.

3.

02:21

Obama Tells WaPo Reporter: America is a Muslim Nation. Someones Bones

Disgraced ex-President Barrack Hussein Obama today declared America a Muslim nation. He demanded that Americans abandon their irrational hatred of Muslim people and embrace them as

brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers. In an interview with Washington Post reporter Harold Langscott, Obama candidly spoke his mind, revealing what patriotic Americans citizens have known since the moment he illegally seated himself in the Oval Office:  Obama is a Muslim, not a Christian, as he hasclaimed in past interviews.

During the interview, Obama was quoted as saying, I implore Americans everywhere to accept Muslim as part of this great nation. Muslim citizens have just as much right to American soil as anyone who was born here. My greatest joy as president was increasing the Muslim population of this country.

He blamed Americans for instigating western prejudice against Muslim people. Muslims have done nothing wrong. Americans have a pre-conceived hatred for anyone who is not like themselves and they then spread this hatred among others. It has spread like a virus and they can only blame themselves for propagating this heinous hatred against a peace-love people, Obama said.

Fears of terrorism, Obama said, are figments of American imaginations, lies spread by conservatives and political pigs like President Donald Trump.

Obama reiterated that Americans must abolish Muslim hatred and adopt a stance of love and understanding toward their Muslim brothers. Without Muslims there would be no America, Obama boldly said. They are a peaceful people. A loving people. Without them, America would not be what it is today. I stand with them.

Moreover, he said Trump is a White House visitor, not a resident, whose time in power will soon end. When that happens, Obama said, Amnesty will become universal law and sanctuary cities will spring up across the nation unimpeded by biased hatred. He wants every city to mimic Chicagos success, he added.

Conservative advocates blasted Obamas comments, calling them treasonous, evil, and bovine.

Michael Stowers, a representative for Americans against Government Abuse (AAGU,) said: He is only saying these things because he is a jealous traitor, angry because he...

02:02

This Indie Film was Shot Entirely on iPhone and they Really Shouldve Turned it Horizontal The Hard Times

Smartphone technology has made it easier than ever for independent filmmakers to bust into the industry with the smallest of micro budgets.

Thats definitely the case for Neil Ernst and his satirical iPhone-shot mumblecore masterpiece, Day in a Hostel which has been setting the festival circuit ablaze despite the fact that he didnt even bother to flip the phone to landscape mode.

Honestly, that seems like a bit of an oversight.

The film takes the viewer through a journey unlike any other where a man in his mid-twenties kind of talks to people about his feelings, a real love letter to youth, wonder, and the road paved and retread multiple times over by the Duplass Brothers.

Related: Aspiring Documentary Filmmakers Officially Overpopulated, Legal to Hunt

 

Despite the cinema-verit feel the film clearly was not shot in sequential order because there is a scene about 60 percent of the way through where they actually make it landscape like they realized what they did but then it goes back for the next 35 minutes.

Everything from the characters to the wardrobe take the viewer through eras of long forgotten filmmaking, borrowing from the Italian Neorealists and French New Wave directors equally creating a symphony of directorial expertise if you just ignore the fact that the cinematographer held the phone like he was taking a Snapchat and not filming a movie.

Day in a Hostel hits on every note Lady Bird does and then some, said mumblecore icon Joe Swanberg, its just a shame that Ernst didnt flip the fucking phone horizontally.

Day in a Hostel is playing in the exact type of theater you would expect it to play in if you live in a major city, if you dont then sorry we wasted your time with this article.

Maybe itll hit Netflix eventually.

Article by Dan Luberto @thedanluberto

Wanna support The Hard Times? Buy one of our t-shirts!

02:00

Stop needless waste campaign starts with Theresa May NewsBiscuit

Environmentalist are targeting a significant reduction in the amount of Theresa May over the coming year, with their eventual hope of eradicating the indiscriminate dumping of all toxic policies. Landfill sites are already over-flowing with Tory promises, with many voters stating: Shes not the bag for life we wanted.

The recycling of Cabinet members has made some inroads into the problem, but there is wider concern about the needless PR packaging surrounding the Prime Minister. As one activist explained: You can use all the shrink-wrapping you like, a turd is still a turd. Plastic waste is one thing, but our Prime Minister is a waste of space.

Shops and corn-fields will go May-free over the coming months, with a surcharge on anyone taking her seriously. Instead, voters are advised to use a tie-dyed, hemp-made Corbyn-bin, which comes in a 1970s design.

There is mounting criticism of incinerators being used to clear-up May-waste; whereas environmentally and diplomatically it makes more sense to shred documents as David Davis has found. Meantime Mrs May has pledged to eradicate all avoidable plastic waste in the UK by 2042, while the electorate has pledged to remove her by 2019.

01:30

Morrissey Announces Cancellation of Frank Ocean Show The Hard Times

LONDON Morrissey announced today the cancellation of an upcoming Frank Ocean concert, creating much confusion amongst fans and promoters, production sources confirmed.

The former singer for The Smiths took to Facebook to explain why he cancelled the performance of a singer he has no connection to whatsoever.

This is a ghastly state of affairs, and as a similarly seuxally-ambigious, unrequited crooner, I will take it on myself to cancel Franks show for him, said Morrissey, acting as Frank Oceans tour manager for some reason. The venue refuses to stop selling beef jerky, and I happen to feel a little under the weather right now. Those two things lead to the unfortunate cancellation of Frank Oceans upcoming show in Los Angeles. I am not sorry.

Frank Ocean was reportedly shocked by the news.

To say I have nothing to do with that guy is an understatement, said Ocean. But somehow, someway, his ability to cancel performances is now able to transfer between artists. Im sad he cancelled my show. Were talking with the venue about rescheduling.

Officials at Pacific Angels Productions, the promoters for what was to be Frank Oceans Los Angeles concert, scrambled to refund tickets to customers.


Related:

This is one of those nightmare situations you never want to happen to you, said CEO Shaina Howard. The show was sold out and all set to go, but unfortunately, Morrissey had to open his shit-mouth again. Tyler, the Creator was going to be there, and now hes got nothing to do.

Fans around the globe reacted Morrisseys cancellation.

Im not surprised by this at all. This is just the natural evolution in his legacy, said former Morrissey fan Leonard Barger. Morrissey is clearly so bored with cancelling his own concerts, hell do whatever he can to cancel any other live musical acts now, too.

At press time, Morrissey announced he was also cancelling all future productions of the smash-hit musical Hamilton until all performers agree to wear footwear not made from leather.

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Friday, 12 January

08:06

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