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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Thursday, 22 September

01:18

Either Reuters is very shady or they don’t understand Venn diagrams The Poke

Either this is some very honest advertising for the international news agency Reuters, or they don’t understand Venn diagrams.

It seems like someone noticed and this was the attempt to fix things, by un-Venning it.

The post Either Reuters is very shady or they don’t understand Venn diagrams appeared first on The Poke.

01:06

Possibly the most uplifting Louis Theroux cake you’ll see today The Poke

We’ve no idea what it tastes like, but Georgina May seems to be highly gifted in both baking and puns.

We were also enlightened to the fact that you can rest your head on this Theroux pillow. Therouillow?

The post Possibly the most uplifting Louis Theroux cake you’ll see today appeared first on The Poke.

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Wednesday, 21 September

23:39

Another dog that’s wonderfully bad at playing hide and seek The Poke

Recently we suggested that Lola the English bull terrier might be the most inept dog to ever play hide and seek, but here’s a very strong new contender.

The post Another dog that’s wonderfully bad at playing hide and seek appeared first on The Poke.

23:15

7 inspirational moments you may have missed from Tim Farron’s barnstorming speech The Poke

The Lib Dems recently held their autumn conference in Brighton, and their leader Tim Farron gave a passionate speech in which he laid out a bold future for the party and the country. Nathaniel Tapley has selected seven of his most inspirational moments, in case you couldn’t make it past the first 30 seconds.

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The post 7 inspirational moments you may have missed from Tim Farron’s barnstorming speech appeared first on The Poke.

22:48

Missed Connections Ad On Chicago Craigslist Clearly Glenn Danzig The Hard Times

CHICAGO — A recent post on the anonymous Craigslist “missed connections” message board was clearly written by Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig, according to sources who discovered the post shortly after attending Riot Fest in Chicago this past weekend.

“You were wearing my band’s shirt and looked dehydrated as fuck,” the post began. “Would have loved to talked to you longer, but I had to play the most anticipated set of the weekend. Email me at info@glenndanzig.com and tell me what legendary band I was fronting and we can continue our convo!”

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('div-gpt-ad-1468284277350-2'); });

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21:40

Having a bad day? This man had a worse one The Poke

Someone crashed into this Icelandic man’s parked car. Then his day gets even worse…

(The fine is about £33 BTW)

The post Having a bad day? This man had a worse one appeared first on The Poke.

21:25

Kent Live have got the local aspect of the Brangelina story covered The Poke

It can be tough trying to give international news a local angle, but Kent Live have found it.

It must be tough for the people of Tunbridge Wells to relive those heady days when Brad Pitt almost filmed World War Z at the town’s Morrisons in 2011, but sadly it wasn’t to be. Apparently the deal fell apart because of a taxi rank.

But sadly for some reason – rumoured to be a clash over the production company’s use of the taxi rank during the filming period – the plug was pulled on Brad’s visit.

Tunbridge Wells’ loss was Glasgow’s gain.

The post Kent Live have got the local aspect of the Brangelina story covered appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

Plastic bag trees now endangered NewsBiscuit

Plastic bags fluttering in trees used to be a common sight throughout the urban avenues and rural hedgerows of Britain, but now the plastic bag tree is dying out. Even in Liverpool, where it once thrived amongst the indigenous litter lawns and polystyrene take-away container bushes, the future of the plastic bag tree is in doubt.

Critics claim that the primary reason for the decline is the 5p charge for plastic shopping bags introduced by the Government last year. It is claimed that this, in conjunction with the ‘reduce, re-use, recycle’ initiative, has the potential to destroy the environment and eco-system in which the plastic bag tree formerly flourished.

But now a new organisation, Life For Bags, is attempting to save the species, as spokesman Leonard Mitchell, a Government lobbyist and carrier politician, explained. ‘We must not allow the great British institution that is the plastic bag tree to die out and be replaced with foreign imports,’ he said. ‘This is nothing but attempted murder and we are campaigning to reverse this Government’s brutal ‘Jute to Kill’ policy.’

 

20:29

At last, a useful flowchart to see if you should fake your own death and collect the insurance money The Poke

Author Elizabeth Greenwood has spent time interviewing and researching people who have faked their own deaths, and has created this handy flowchart to help you decide if you want to disappear for good.
(via)

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The results seem to be a comprehensive “no” – but if you still think it’s a good idea, she’s also got a list and do’s don’ts on her LinkedIn post. Apparently you need to lay off Googling yourself and always replace any broken lightbulbs on your car.

homerhedge

The post At last, a useful flowchart to see if you should fake your own death and collect the insurance money appeared first on The Poke.

20:06

This broken laptop screen looks like a penguin The Poke

Not sure why they didn’t just take a screengrab instead of a photo.

The post This broken laptop screen looks like a penguin appeared first on The Poke.

19:43

The creator of Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner had some very specific rules about the duo The Poke

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Chuck Jones, animator and creator of Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner, lays down the nine rules that actually bring some logic to the relentless cartoon violence.

And yes pedants, Wile. E Coyote did speak, but when he was chasing Bugs Bunny.

The post The creator of Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner had some very specific rules about the duo appeared first on The Poke.

18:16

This café’s sandwich board jokes are so cringe-making they border on genius The Poke

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When staff at the Inversnecky Café in Aberdeen wrote a joke on their chalkboard to make up for the fact that they didn’t have any specials on, they had no idea what they were starting.  Their selection of dad jokes, puns and sassy one-liners is so popular that people come to the cafe specially to snap the latest one, as well as to enjoy one of their famous breakfasts.

Here are 16 of their best – or worst – offerings, so far.

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So, for the foreseeable future, even if they have any specials they can’t write them up because the customers would object to missing out on the jokes.  Perhaps they’ll eventually get board of them.  WHAT?  If you can’t beat ‘em …

Source: Facebook

The post...

17:29

QLD Pub Avoids Lock-Out Laws By Paving Entire Street With Rubber Playground Surfacing The Betoota Advocate

21 September, 2016 17:05 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The publican of the Betoota’s Diamantina Hotel, Keith Goddard says when a local councillor mentioned the idea of introducing pub lock-out laws to the main street of town, he nearly dragged the “suit-wearing politician” out the front of the C.W.A hall and flogged him in the street. Luckily […]

15:42

Sydney to begin trial program executing slow walkers in CBD The Betoota Advocate

21 September, 2016. 15:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact FROM NEXT YEAR, meandering through the streets of downtown Sydney at your own leisurely pace could land you in the grave. In a trial program supervised by the NSW Productivity Commission, Premier Mike Baird announced this morning at the opening of the Wynyard pedestrian tunnel, that […]

15:30

Thousands Of Disengaged Adult Sons Rush To Buy Dad The Betoota Book For Christmas The Betoota Advocate

21 September, 2016 15:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With over 60,000 units of The Betoota Advocate’s new book sold in just 48 hours, the race is on for thousands of disengaged adult sons across the nation to secure their copy of a book that has just enough swearing in it to make Dad laugh no matter what. […]

14:09

Triple M producer secretly hates rugby league and everything to do with it The Betoota Advocate

21 September, 2016. 15:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact ONE HIS FIRST DAY producing a drive slot radio show, Arthur Collator decided to wear a waistcoat. It was a mistake he wouldn’t make again. “This ex-footballer, I can’t remember his name, just laughed at me and slapped me on the back,” said the 26-year-old […]

12:54

Derryn Hinch Pissed About Being Accused Of Being Pissed

shame shame shame

Senator and beard enthusiast Derryn Hinch has been revealed to be mightily pissed off about being accused of being pissed after an alleged night on the piss.

Speaking to The (un)Australian Senator Hinch spoke of his anger, saying: “How dare people accuse me, a recovering alcoholic, of being back on the turps. I have given up alcohol, served my time, made my peace but people never just forgive and forget do they? Now would you like this list of convicted sex offenders to publish?”

Senator Hinch the recipient of a donated liver has been warned to avoid alcohol as it risks further damaging his new liver.

However The (un)Australian’s chief medical expert Dr Ian Peter Freely said that alcohol wasn’t the only thing that Hinch should avoid, explaining: “Derryn really needs to have a calm and peaceful lifestyle as being angry and upset can cause a buildup of bile which is toxic to the liver.

“His choice of being a Senator is not really conducive to this, so what the hell he may as well have a beer next time Pauline Hanson says something aggravating, if you’re going to go out, you may as well do so happily drunk.”

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWOh44

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.


11:59

“Ban The Burka” Says Man Wearing Australian Flag Over His Face The Betoota Advocate

21 September, 2016 11:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Cooma man, Kerrod Keithington (35) says he finds all kinds of religious headwear intimidating. So much so, that he has started rallying in the streets protest the unlikely scenario of a Muslim moving into one of the three-story-rendered-brick-off-the-plan family homes in his predominately white suburb. “These people don’t assimilate to […]

08:52

‘It’s not you, it’s me’, say HP printers NewsBiscuit

A large number of printers are now rejecting budget ink cartridges for spurious reasons, such as age difference, life being ‘too complicated’ right now or that they are seeing someone else. Hewlett Packard denies that they no longer recognise unofficial cartridges, but did admit to thinking of them as if they were ‘like a brother’.

Allegedly the last firmware update has changed from basic black/white settings to ‘uber bitch’. Subsequently HP printers will not work with products that they date, despite admitting to being attracted to budget cartridges – ‘just not in that way’.

Meanwhile cheaper cartridges are dealing with their rejection by sending needy error messages and gorging on ice-cream. Friends attest to seeing these cartridges pouring their heart out through an incredibly small nozzle and mumbling about ‘knowing what it’s like to be Owen Smith’.

Rival ink vendors are naturally upset but HP has said ‘let’s just be friends’. HP claims that they need to concentrate on their career right now and cannot commit to 2.5 copies or a long-term print queue. Said one executive: ‘Naturally we’re flattered but we need to protect HP’s intellectual property and anyway, we’re gay’.

 

08:36

Brad And Angelina Begin Battle For Custody Of The Paparazzi

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Lawyers representing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have begun proceedings to claim custody of the paparazzi after Jolie filed for divorce after two years of marriage.

“Brad has been mistreating the paparazzi for years by refusing to be photographed cavorting with topless models on Caribbean islands or taking out the garbage dressed only in a dirty old tracksuit,” said Jolie’s lawyer Marsha Weep. “She is going to fight for full time custody of the entire pack with Brad only allowed supervised access every second weekend in which he promises to be snapped eating a hot dog indiscreetly in the crowd at an ice hockey game.”

“I was a starving paparazzo in Guinea-Bissau with only the president of the country to take grainy long distance photographs of before Brad and Angelina adopted me,” said freelance cameraman James Djassi. “I love taking shots of them both as they lead their sullen looking kids through airports. Please don’t ask me to choose.”

Jennifer Aniston took custody of half the paparazzi following the break up of Brad Pitt’s first marriage allowing her to maintain the presence in supermarket checkout line magazines that she was accustomed to.

“By constantly swanning around the world in a scarf pretending to be concerned for underprivileged kiddies Angelina has shown just how good a custodian she can be of the paparazzi,” said Aniston as she tried to hide a tell tale baby bump. “Brad has to understand that feeding the paparazzi photos of himself smooching with a co-star is a full time job and not just something that you only do when you have some crappy new film to publicise.”

Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.


05:31

Nibiru Seen Down Old Well Someone’s Bones

[We were hacked. Our sever was hacked and this blatantly absurd story was inserted into our website, an attempt to undermine our credibility and slander our good name. We are letting it stand to show how far the opposition is willing to go to silence and discredit relevant Nibiru information. We sincerely apologize to our loyal readers.]

Until the third day of September, 2016, Herbert Allen, a retired automotive worker, used to spend his day meandering around his forty-acre farm in Mayfield, New York. At seventy-six years old, Herb does not have much to do besides feeding goats, chickens, and other wildlife that reside on his property in the southern Adirondacks. He used to roam his property, exploring, uncovering new sights and sounds. However, he never anticipated that uncapping an old well would reveal an ominous secret that now has him concerned for his life.

“I was walkin’ the grounds when I seen dat ole well with a piece of sheet metal covering it,” Herbert Allen said. “I pulled the metal off and looked inside, hoping still had water. Was so dang deep I couldn’t see dat dere bottom.” However, something very odd was there, something that seemed to be there and not there, appearing and disappearing, like a grey cat sitting in a heavy fog. But this was a reddish fog? Or was it dust?

Herb called his son Rob, and asked, “What do you make of this?” Rob came over with his flashlight, and peered into the well; he was there, looking in, for ten minutes, when he let off a curse, and stood up, pale, saying “Paw, it’s Nibiru.”

No more was said, but that evening, at dinner time, Rob Allen said he had dropped his flashlight; it fell in the well, but he never heard it hit bottom. Rob explained to his father how everything he had seen down that well, just fit exactly with what the ancients had written about Nibiru.

Herb Allen had first heard about Nibiru years earlier, from his son, who who was always reading strange books and watching YouTube videos about alien abductions and other unearthly phenomena.  At the time, he had dismissed his son’s concerns as whimsical nonsense; however, in light of his newfound discovery, he now knows that Nibiru is real and on course to intersect our inner solar system within the next year.

“Nibiru is real. It’s real, it’s here,” Herbert Allen said. “I can see it every time I look down the well. And I know it’s getting closer cause it looks bigger down the well each time I look. Big red planet with red iron oxide dust swirling about it like a storm.”

Mr. Allen and son contacted several renowned Nibiru researchers, including Dr. Eugene Ricks, a former NASA employee and physics professor at Cornell University. A few days later, Dr. Ricks and his team arrived at the farm, laden with telescopes and scientific gadgets. They pitched their tents a few meters from the old well. They first attempted to do a depth sounding. At 300 meters —the length of their line—they gave up and began to take up the line. It seemed to be getting heavier and heavier as they pulled it back. Finally, as the line began to feel warmer and warmer to the touch, the nylon of the line seemed to have mutated. It was the color of shiny brass, but was as heavy as if had been lead–except for the lead weight at the end, which now appeared translucent and weightless.

The scientists were astounded, but continued the investigation, now aiming three telescopes into the well.

Before packing up, Dr. Ricks explained: “Even with our vast knowledge, we still have much to learn about quantum physics and temporal mechanics. It is theoretically possible this well contains a breach in the space-time continuum, and that somehow, someway, the bottom of Mr. Allen’s well contains a spacial rift to Nibiru. If that holds true, then it is not implausible to believe that a person jumping down the well will actually land on Nibiru—though I would not a...

04:17

Senior sexual assault: "She hung the Handicap Parking placard around my neck and sat on my face!" TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The Raleigh News and Observer is reporting today that an elderly man in a small town near Raleigh claims he was sexually assaulted while sleeping in a parked car in a shopping center. According to the report the elderly man was sleeping in the pas...

02:22

7 tweets about the Brangelina divorce that will temporarily ease your pain The Poke

Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt – and it almost broke the internet. Here are six tweets about the Brangelina split that might briefly dull the intense heartbreak you’re no doubt feeling right now.

1. Newsrooms around the world fell silent. Or started yelling.

2. Brexit was mentioned.

3. Theories were proved.

4. Grief was expressed.

5. City A.M had a rather good headline.

6. There was reminiscing about the good times.

7. And lots and lots of lots of Jennifer Aniston gifs were posted.

...

01:58

Scottish teen dresses up as his Mum to buy booze The Poke

Proof once again that not all heroes wear capes – why bother making a fake ID when you can use a real one and dress up like your Mum?

Naturally the photos drew some doubters and critics…

The post Scottish teen dresses up as his Mum to buy booze appeared first on The Poke.

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Tuesday, 20 September

23:59

Japanese ping-pong player pulls off impressive trick shots, along with plenty of shouting The Poke

A compilation of impressive ping-pong trick shots played with the traditional bat – as well as the less traditional frying pan, iPhone and someone’s head.

The post Japanese ping-pong player pulls off impressive trick shots, along with plenty of shouting appeared first on The Poke.

23:59

Steampunk Band Postpones Tour After Crashing Flight Apparatus The Hard Times

MONROVIA, Calif. — London-based steampunk outfit The Buzzcogs canceled several concert dates after an accident outside of Los Angeles involving the band’s steam-powered flying apparatus this afternoon, according to various media reports.

Onlookers report the giant vessel began swerving erratically before crashing into the roadside sign of an International House of Pancakes. “It looked like something out of a Tim Burton movie,” said a waitress on duty when the event occurred, just after 4 p.m. “Luckily, the early bird special hadn’t begun, and everybody in here was okay, but we got quite a show.”

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googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('div-gpt-ad-1468284277350-2'); });

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23:35

This Wikipedia article contains the best history of modern Britain ever written The Poke

The Wikipedia entry about the former home of economist Adam Smith contains both intellectual thoughts on the nature of man and a reference to a Gregg’s breakfast bap promotion.

The post This Wikipedia article contains the best history of modern Britain ever written appeared first on The Poke.

23:14

The perils of buying an IPhone 7 from eBay The Poke

Sometimes eBay might be a good place to get a bargain, but it’s also good for getting scammed…

The post The perils of buying an IPhone 7 from eBay appeared first on The Poke.

23:06

Australian man proves that dreams can come true after he patents the “hamdog” The Poke

A man in Australia has successfully patented, and started selling, the Hamdog – a combination of a hotdog and a burger in one bun, reports the BBC.

Mark Murray first appeared on Shark Tank – the Australian equivalent of Dragon’s Den – where he pitched the idea to potential investors. The judges turned him down for funding, but he has since successfully secured a US patent for the “combination hamburger hot dog bread bun” in 2009.

He now sells them at markets and events in Perth and says the response has been “incredible”.

He told the NZ Herald: “We launched our marquee two months ago and we had people come from everywhere just to experience the Hamdog. At one stage the crew were knocking out about one every 15 seconds.”

Not everyone is a fan though…

The post Australian man proves that dreams can come true after he patents the “hamdog” appeared first on The Poke.

22:39

A Nottingham pub is taking the piss with a Donald Trump urinal The Poke

With feelings about the American presidential election running high on both sides of the Atlantic, one pub in Nottingham has firmly nailed its colours to the mast with a banner photograph of presidential hopeful Donald Trump along the back of its urinal.  

Manager of the Raglan Road pub, Ruth Beraki, says the regulars have found it highly entertaining.

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But it turns out that this sort of political commentary isn’t as original as you’d think.  During the campaign prior to the Brexit referendum, a French branch of the hostel Bed & Bars displayed these for their punters’ amusement.

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Source: Snifter

Who knows?  Perhaps this could be the writing on the wall.  The very shaky, wet writing!

Source: Nottingham Post

The post A Nottingham pub is taking the piss with a Donald Trump urinal appeared first on The Poke.

22:08

Running or hiding from terrorists ‘still the best option’ confirms Government NewsBiscuit

The Government is to re-run its helpful ‘Run, Hide, Tell’ initiative in the wake of recent terror incidents in the US.

The campaign suggests people should run away or hide in the event of a Paris-style terrorist attack, rather than assume the brace position or start a conga.

Launched last year, the advice followed extensive research that showed people who actively try to avoid gun-toting indiscriminate killers stand a better chance of survival than those who jog on the spot or approach them slowly with a flapjack.

“If a deranged man with an automatic weapon is shooting people at random all around you, there’s a chance you could be in danger,” said UK Head of Counter Terrorism, Nick Ferguson, with no sense of irony whatsoever.

“That might not be obvious to everyone, so we’re repeating our ‘Run, Hide, Tell’ advice for the millions of people who haven’t considered any of those three options in the event of an attack.”

The campaign includes a video entitled: ‘Stay Safe – Firearms and Weapons Attack’ to fully explain what the terms ‘running’ and ‘hiding’ mean.

Matt Ward

22:00

Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United NewsBiscuit

Time's upIn a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’

Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.

A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister – deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.

Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.

However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’

20:30

An oddly satisfying compilation of objects melting The Poke

A strangely soothing compilation of various objects including a clock, toothbrush and a rubber duck being melted in closeup.

The post An oddly satisfying compilation of objects melting appeared first on The Poke.

19:00

Read this American’s very accurate list of things people need to know about Britain The Poke

britsAmerican heiress Hayley Bloomingdale has been living in London for ten months and has garnered a lot of useful information about us Brits and how we live.  She shared 42 of these nuggets in Vogue as a heads-up for any fellow Americans thinking of attending London Fashion Week or just popping over for a visit.

Here are her 14 most spot-on tips.

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But it seems she isn’t right about everything …

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Source: Vogue

The post Read this American’s very accurate list of things people need to know about Britain appeared first on The Poke.

16:37

New Homeopathic Treatment Significantly Reduces Levels Of Cash In Your Wallet, Study Finds The Shovel

Homeopathy

An innovative new natural remedy released this week can lower the amount of money you carry on your body by up to 60%, studies have found.

Sold in tablet form and retailing for $59.95 a bottle, the breakthrough treatment will provide immediate relief to the wallets of desperate patients.

Sam Mathews, a scientist on the research team, said the new drug was found under strict double-blind testing to be 23 times more effective at reducing wallet size than a placebo. “We were amazed at just how efficient this new treatment is at lowering your finances. In some cases the effects were virtually immediate,” he said.

A spokesperson for the manufacturer said patients should take eleven tablets, eight times daily for best results.

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15:51

Barnaby Joyce Thrown Out Of Mooseheads For Dropping Pants During Eagle Rock The Betoota Advocate

20 September, 2016 15:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has been handed a life ban from Mooseheads Pub & Nightclub in Canberra after refusing to leave the venue upon being asked by several security guards. It is believed that at around 11:55pm last night, the 49-year-old former accountant was given his third and last warning for […]

15:21

University Student Ejaculates Through Open Feminist "Safe-Space" Window TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Eugene, Oregon - A University of Oregon program to provide "safe-spaces" for male masturbators started off with good intentions but backfired thanks to a failure of foresight in positioning the safe-space male masturbation room adjacent to a feminist...

15:00

My top 10 irritations The Poke

From gloating opticians to aggressive crisps, Michael Spicer shares ten of his biggest irritations.

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The post My top 10 irritations appeared first on The Poke.

14:10

Brisbane friends baptise Sydneysider in the ‘Brown Snake’ after moving to the River City The Betoota Advocate

20 September, 2016. 15:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact GOING AGAINST THE ONE WAY traffic down the Pacific Highway, Dan Caruthers arrived in Brisbane the day before ANZAC Day 2011. Taking a new job with Hutchinson Builders, he was quick to get himself a pair of skinny-leg moleskin trousers and some elastic-sided boots – just […]

14:02

Philadelphia Fraternal Order of Police Head Clarifies "Clinton Blew Us Off" Comment As Reason For Trump Endorsement TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Philadelphia - One day after announcing that his union was endorsing Republican nominee Donald Trump for President of the United States, John McNesby, the President of the Philadelphia Fraternal Order of Police backtracked on his comment that Democr...

11:56

Q&A producer googles ‘celebrities with book coming out’ ahead of next week’s show The Betoota Advocate

20 September, 2016. 15:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact IN A MAD DASH to find guests for next week’s Q&A programme, a producer from the ABC’s frontline panel show has turned to google in order to learn which celebrities have a book coming out soon. Following the success of last night’s broadcast, junior producer Ally […]

11:29

Trump Calls for Four More Walls TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

GOP Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced today his administration will not rest until the entire nation is protected from productive immigrants. His campaign called a press conference to explain that the candidate recently learned some state...

11:11

Embarrased Pauline Hanson Admits To Self-Plagarisism

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In an embarrassing admission after days of speculation, Senator Pauline Hanson has finally acknowledged that her maiden speech was accidentally plagiarised from her own earlier maiden speech delivered in 1996. “I guess I’ve done a Melania,” she said, adding she had cut and pasted the text from the earlier document, and had meant to remove it later but ran out of time.

The speech, presented to the Senate on Thursday, embarrassingly repeated the same themes, including exactly the same phrase, “we are being swamped by ________,” this time swapping “Muslims” into the phrase instead of “Asians.”

“It’s an innocent enough mistake, really, and I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” Ms Hanson opined, oblivious that people are outraged by her vicious bigotry and ignorance rather than her poor academic integrity.

But to make matters worse, The (un)Australian can reveal Ms Hanson’s 1996 maiden speech had itself plagarised had a 1947 maiden speech delivered by rogue Queensland  Country Party Senator Beryl Whitebread, who warned Australia was endanger of being swamped by Italians and Greeks.

Rebuffing the mockery of her critics, Hanson responded: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win,” inadvertently plagiarising Donald Trump, who had earlier misattributed the same quote o Indian Independence leader and adherent of Hinduism, Mahatma Gandhi.

Josephine Alexander

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Occasionally controversial broadcaster, Channel 4, has today revealed that its new set for the twee, middle-class family favourite ‘The Great British Bake-Off’, will be the crack house of its now defunct popular soap opera, Brookside.

‘It shouldn’t be a problem adjusting the set to be honest’ revealed a Channel 4 source. ‘There’s plenty of old spoons knocking about the place’.

As well as a new base, the producers hope to inject ‘a breath of fresh air’ into the format with a keen eye on ‘dramatic licence’. It is believed that everybody’s favourite grandma, Mary Berry, will undergo a dramatic transformation as ‘Ma’ Berry- a hard-nosed market stall holder who hides crack cocaine and other illegal drugs in the sachertortes and other sweetly delicious patisserie products she sells at her stall made by the frail hands of her people-trafficked ‘slaves’ who each week compete to ‘hide the crack’ using only 6 dozen eggs, a pound of flour, some butter and a piping bag from John Lewis. All for a few measly licks of a leftover baking bowl that Berry will chuck into their flea-infested bedroom.

Berry’s co-presenter, Paul Hollywood, is also expected to feature in the show; with Channel 4 producers hoping to borrow the black leather jacket worn by Joey Boswell for him to wear from the BBC’s other bakery based show, Bread. It is believed that, unlike Berry, no accent coaches will be required for him to take on his new role. It is hoped by the show’s producers that the Boswell character’s ‘Greetings’ catchphrase will also be revived by Hollywood in ‘a totally ironic post-modernistic type of way’.

Hopes to dramatically juxtapose the lives of Berry and her slaves with that of their nice, middle-class neighbours were dashed when the show’s other two presenters, Mel and Sue, refused to join the reincarnation of the show.

As well as dealing with controversial issues such as drug dealing, people trafficking and the sheer unbridled horror of opening the door too soon so that the cakes go flat, the show’s producers also hope to inject ‘some more real life kitchen sink drama’ with storylines featuring rape, unemployment, divorce, incest and murder -though critics of the new format have already predicted that the new show will be a flop ‘buried deep, deep within the patio of the ratings.’

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