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Sunday, 15 October


Millions Relieved To Finally Justify Weird Feeling They Always Had About Ben Affleck The Betoota Advocate

Millions of people around the world are today breathing a sigh of relief, after finally receiving the justification for the weird feeling they always had about Hollywood superstar, Ben Affleck. Affleck, famous for cult hits such as Daredevil and Gigli, has been heavily criticized over the last few days, after he admitted to inappropriately groping []

The post Millions Relieved To Finally Justify Weird Feeling They Always Had About Ben Affleck appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


May accuses Johnson of Brexual harrassment NewsBiscuit

The Weinstein scandal has encouraged the Prime Minister Theresa May to go public regarding the offensive behaviour of her Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. She claims that he has repeatedly tried to get her into different Brexit positions against her will in what constitutes serious Brexual harrassment

Observers have questioned Johnsons public stance of encouraging a hard Brexit. It is not known if he raised this in Cabinet but leakage suggests he has. Rivals say it is aimed at persuading the PM to bend to his stiff approach, which favours a quick withdrawal, while she prefers a more gentle, hands-on method of reaching a satisfactory conclusion followed by a period of calm to see if anything further develops. This, she has said, gives time to get on top of anything that subsequently arises.



Mandela Effect: My Wife Says She Doesnt Remember Ever Loving Me The Hard Times

I first read about the Mandela Effect last year when I encountered an article about The Berenstain Bears mystery. Is it Berenstain or Berenstein? Why do people remember the spelling two different ways? Is this proof of parallel universes converging? Many people think so, and now I have a new piece of evidence to support this parallel universe theory: my darling wife of five years says she doesnt love me, and not only that, she cant remember a time in our relationship when she ever loved me.

The Mandela Effect is named after Nelson Mandela, a guy Im pretty sure freed the slaves or something. In 2010, paranormal researcher named Fiona Broome invented the term to describe a phenomenon in which many people, when surveyed, falsely remember Mandela to have died in prison. This is similar to my sweet, sweet wife falsely telling our couples counselor that our marriage is dead and monogamy is a prison. How could that be true? I have photos of her smiling on our honeymoon in Hawaii, surely she loved me then? Right?

Ive uncovered numerous instances in which our memories of this marriage are completely different. For example, my wife, whose name I am no longer permitted to disclose in print, claims to have always hated my band, even though we fucking rock. She also says that she has never enjoyed the restaurant Fuddruckers, in spite of the fact that weve had very pleasant date nights there 2 or 3 times a year throughout our entire marriage (Im busy most weekends with my band). How could there be any explanation for these discrepancies other than my wife being replaced with a near-identical copy from an alternate timeline?

Related: What Your Pinball Machine Says About Your Recent Divorce

I have done a great deal of research about interdimensional travel on both the light and dark web, as well as skimmed a plot synopsis of Twin Peaks season 3, and I believe I have found a way to cross between universes and reunite with my true love. I can tell Im close. My boss at Guitar Center t...


Archbishop Urges No Vote: Its About Protecting Children. And We Know About Protecting Children The Shovel

anthony fisher

The Catholic Archbishop of Sydney, Anthony Fisher, says if theres one thing the Catholic Church can lecture others on, its how to best protect children.

Urging followers to vote no in the same sex marriage survey, Mr Fisher said that legalising same sex marriage would be bad for children. And when it comes to the harm of children, the Catholic Church knows what its talking about, he said.

The Archbishop said it wasnt the place of Government to decide who should and shouldnt get married, but rather the place of a group of men who had never been married themselves.

The state has no business telling us who we should love and how, sexually or otherwise. Everyone knows its the Churchs role to be totally obsessed with sex.

As someone who has never been married, and never will, I have that wonderful mix of inexperience and lack of perspective that makes me so well placed to speak on this issue, he said.


NFL Wife Incorrectly Marks Herself Safe on Facebook The Hard Times

TAMPA, Fla. Ellen Hayes, wife of Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Ralph Hayes, marked herself safe on Facebook last week after a recent tropical storm, despite the inherent dangers of being married to a professional NFL player, sources confirmed.

Im glad to know Ellen and Ralph made it through the storm, and that there was minimal damage to their house, said Jill Sondheim, a representative for the National Organization to End Domestic Violence. But, to be honest, I think safe might be a bit of an exaggeration in this case.

Experts agreed that Mrs. Hayes is likely in near-constant danger, considering the NFLs long history of encouraging violence, ignoring mental illness, and skirting accountability in the name of the players well-being.

The research on CTE is damning, and shows just how severe the concussive blows are that these men suffer, said neurosurgeon Dr. Lin Graham. Although Mrs. Hayes may be safe now, its just a matter of time before something as benign as, say, shoes left in a hallway set her husband on a path of destruction.

Ralph Hayes, who was out of town for an away game during the storm, offered words of support for his local community.


Im proud to represent Tampa on the field, and I will be volunteering my time and money to help rebuild off of it, said the NFL lineman, a kind and generous man by all accounts, who has been trained to hit strangers with crippling force at the mere sound of a whistle. Im looking forward to being back home and making our city stronger than ever.

Mrs. Hayes wrote a longer Facebook post shortly after using the Safety Check feature.

The wind was really loud, and we got a lot of rain, but I want everybody to know Im now perfectly safe, wrote the loving woman whose husband may have severe brain damage from hundreds of blows to the head, and will likely develop dangerous mental and emotional illnesses later in life. We lost some of the patio furniture, but that can be replaced.

The NFL, celebrating their annual Breast Cancer Awareness Month in which players dress in pink accessories and donate no money to cancer charities, had no comment.

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CEO of Kickstarter-Funded Indie Game Releases Progress Video of Him Surfing in Tahiti The Hard Times

PAPEETE, French Polynesia CEO and founder of indie game studio Star Knights Inc., Jack Hammel, published an update for the Kickstarter supporters of his new game that is a ten minute video of him surfing at the beach.

The game, Black Hole, promises galactic exploration, intertwining storylines, cinematic voice acting, and to never be released, Hammel originally marketed his indie title on the crowdfunding platform as A combination of Game of Thronebut in spaceand Mass Effect Andromeda, but good.

The original Kickstarter rewards for Black Hole included early access to the game, NPCs named after contributors, and meet and greets with the creators dealer.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Hammel responded to rumors that hed been using the entirety of the games budget on a marketing campaign to drum up more funding as simply ludicrous and the definition of fraud, which is something Im an expert on so you can trust me.

After receiving backlash for his recent update Hammel responded to backer complaints.

I want to reassure all the fans that I havent just been hard at work on my tan, said Hammel. This trip was planned so our team can create realistic water graphics and after seven straight days of surfing and swimming in beautiful Tahiti, I am now intimately familiar with water in a way others could only dream about. So the trip was clearly a success.

With the Kickstarter timeline of a 2...


Live Peppa Pig lacked nuanced characterisation of animated TV original, claims Sam, 3 NewsBiscuit

and where was the car with no seatbelts?A live appearance by Peppa Pig at Maidstone Arndale Centre was greeted with scepticism and mild hostility by the pre-school children in attendance, after she allegedly failed to fully realise an authentic voice for the leading even-toed ungulate.

The whole venture failed to work on so many levels, its hard to know where to begin explained Samantha, aged 3 and three quarters. Peppa Pig appears to be a simple enough porcine archetype to mimic. But in fact she is one of the most elusive of all childrens characters to fully inhabit especially if they insist on hiring those useless graduates from the provinces, desperate for their Equity Card.

Perfunctory hardly covers it agreed Tamsin, aged 4 and a third. It has become something of a clich that Peppa Pig has unstinting reserves of bonhomie and inquisitiveness. But her joie de vivre is clearly a front: to take on Peppa or even a lesser character like George or Pedro Pony, one needs to hold in tension, and even deconstruct these contradictions. There is, for instance, the whole emotional vista created by her self-imposed role as moral guardian to her younger sibling, not to mention the unfeasibly hilly environment in which they live and you cant really do that justice without some decent puddles

This is Pingu all over again sighed Martin Cresswell of Maidstone Retailers Guild Frankly those little buggers should be grateful for whatever we give them. Its all workshop this, improv that with them. I mean; have they tried getting a decent RADA or Guildhall grad at no notice, especially after Upsy Daisy has stormed off in tears, declaring I cannot work under these conditions? I rather think not

15 Oct 2010


James Corden joked about Harvey Weinstein and it didnt go down too well The Poke

If you ever wanted to watch James Corden die on stage, nows your chance.

He had three goes at it, and each one got worse.

This is a beautiful room, its a beautiful night here in L.A. Its so beautiful, Harvey Weinstein has already asked tonight up to his hotel to give him a massage.

Cue enormous groans from the audience.

I dont know whether that groan was you liking that joke or you dont like that joke, if you dont like that joke you should probably leave now.

Yep, we should probably leave.

It has been weird this week though, watching Harvey Weinstein in hot water. Ask any of the women who watched him take a bath.

Please, James. Stop.

Harvey Weinstein wanted to come tonight, but sadly hell settle for whatever potted plant is closest. Oh COME ON!

Or not.


Please enjoy this very good 1947 postcard I found in an antique shop today The Poke

Epic trolling didnt begin with Twitter.

Its what Barbara would have wanted.

The post Please enjoy this very good 1947 postcard I found in an antique shop today appeared first on Th...


When Courtney Love called out Harvey Weinstein 12 years ago The Poke

Heres Courtney Love trying to warn people about Harvey Weinstein back.

It was at a Comedy Central event back in 2005, and heres what happened next, according to Love.






US Soccer Team Insist Failure To Qualify For FIFA World Cup Was In Protest Of Trump The Betoota Advocate

Donald Trump has been dealt another major blow by a national US sports team, after the US Mens National Soccer team defied him by refusing to play anything resembling soccer in their final World Cup qualifier this week. Amidst the ongoing controversy regarding NFL players and fans boycotting the national anthem, the USMNT are being []

The post US Soccer Team Insist Failure To Qualify For FIFA World Cup Was In Protest Of Trump appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Yes Mr Farage your announcement will go in the paper at the weekend as usual The Poke

Paul Nuttal was at it too. He should know he was there.

The post Yes Mr Farage your announcement will go in the paper at the weekend as usual appeared first on The Poke.


Holy crap were old brick buildings No f-ing way mate! The Poke

Best picture caption youll see this week.


Russian-Turkish Force Battle Anunnaki In Syria Someones Bones

In the pre-dawn hours of Thursday, 12 October, a joint Russian-Turkish military unit skirmished with Anunnaki invaders thirty miles northwest of Aleppo, near the Turkish-Syrian border. An active Russian intelligence officer says a Turkish army convoy consisting of one hundred commandos and multiple armored personnel carriers rendezvoused with Russian Spetznas and extra-terrestrial specialists. Presidents Putin and Erdoan green lit the operation after confirming reports of non-human entities massing near the embattled border city.

According to our source, Erdoan sought Putins help, fearing legions of Anunnaki might leave Syriaa domain they have been known to inhabitand plague his country. Despite Erdoans allegiance to NATO, Putin was sympathetic to his plight; after all, Turkey had recently signed a costly deal to purchase S-400 air defense systems from Russia. Moreover, Putin sees the Anunnaki as a scourge to be wiped from the planet, our source added.

Russian Special Forces have battled Anunnaki in the past. In the years two years alone, we have lost three expeditionary forces to extra-terrestrial conflicts in the area. We lost because these creatures seem to have immunity to ballistic weapons. This time, we had the advantage. We discovered they have almost no resistance to medium strength energy weapons. How Putin discovered this, I dont know. Maybe tested on captured Anunnaki.

He says the military unit employed cutting-edge, vehicle-mounted lasers capable of producing steady bursts of 10-kilowatt energy, which essentially vaporized the Anunnaki on contact. Because the Anunnaki had been hiding in a network of caves and needed flushing out, Turkish forces sustained an unconfirmed number of casualties during a protracted engagement lasting more than two hours.

Many Turkish commandos went into the cave to meet their doom to route the Anunnaki, our source said. We do not have handheld laser ...


Ill Get Em The Premiership: Wayne Bennett Offers To Coach Socceroos To World Cup Glory The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact From the ashes of footballing dispair, a great beacon of hope has risen. One of the greatest sporting coaches of all time, Wayne Bennett, has thrown his hat in the ring to coach the national soccer team after current coach, Ange Postecoglou, announced hed be leaving the role effective immediately. []

The post Ill Get Em The Premiership: Wayne Bennett Offers To Coach Socceroos To World Cup Glory appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Greens Leader Richard Di Natale Offers Spilt Milk Festival To Test Pills Himself The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Due to a combination of pressure and lack of documentation, the Spilt Milk festival has had to shelve the Australian-first pill testing initiative just weeks ahead of the November festival. However, there is still a glimmer of hope for festival attendees as Greens Party leader, Richard Di Natale, has vowed to make a []

The post Greens Leader Richard Di Natale Offers Spilt Milk Festival To Test Pills Himself appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Melting Pot mass murderers face life in jail NewsBiscuit

The police have revealed further harrowing details of a series of gruesome killings carried out by a gang of four men and one woman since 1969. It is believed that the group, referred to in the press as the Blue Mink Killers, had boiled several hundred people in a giant aluminium cooking pot at their isolated farm in Carmarthenshire in what was apparently a deranged bid to accelerate inter-racial breeding.

It was the most appalling sight I have seen in my 30-year career in the police force, said Detective Inspector Ronald Hargreaves of Scotland Yard. Torsos and limbs from adults of every age and racial type all boiled to bits. The gang leader Roger Greenaway told us their ultimate aim was to turn out coffee-coloured people Im assuming he meant Nescafe, since thats the only coffee their generation knew of but frankly the result didnt look even human and was more like a mixture of pink and grey.

Even more bizarrely, it has emerged that the ten foot-wide pot and the wooden spoon carved from an entire elm tree that the Blue Mink Killers had used to stir the melting pot was only a prototype. Their evil plans, which the CID found scrawled in an old school exercise book, was for another to be built, big enough to take the world and all its got.

The gang is due to stand trial at the Old Bailey next month. Inspector Hargreaves said that he was confident that they will not only all face life imprisonment but will never be released. They were planning genocide on an unprecedented scale and I dont believe their supposed idealistic motive for one second, he said. As we led them away, Greenaway was singing some vile tosh about Curly Latin kinkies/Mixed with yellow Chinkees. Mass murder is one thing, but casual racism of that kind is quite another.


Unemployable Uncle Wants To Know If Anyones Seen That Orchy Bottle He Had Earlier The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An unnecessarily stressed uncle is frantically searching through the bins for an orange juice bottle that he left in the kitchen a couple hours ago. The 43-year-old North Betoota original has spent the last 18 months between houses and between jobs, while none of his nephews and nieces know how he manages to []

The post Unemployable Uncle Wants To Know If Anyones Seen That Orchy Bottle He Had Earlier appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Putins Devastating Breakup Gift To Trump Daily Discord

Tweet TowerPresident Donald Trumps twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25th Amendment as a means to end ass-clowns reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trumps Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, The

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Saturday, 14 October


Britain never bought its round either, says Juncker NewsBiscuit

Britain has a track record of not getting the beers in, claimed Jean Claude Juncker, conjuring up a useful metaphor to characterise the countrys reluctance to pay any Brexit divorce bill. On pub crawls round Brussels, Britain was always there hovering at the door when we went in, pretending to fumble for some change or answer a convenient phone call until Germany or France offered to buy the drinks, he noted.

Then when asked what they wanted, Britain would always act surprised and say Oh go on then, and ask for one of those expensive gins. On meals out with the other 27 member states, Britain always ordered an extra starter and invariably went for the sirloin steak before suggesting splitting the bill evenly at the end when poor old Greece only shared a Margerita pizza with Bulgaria.

David Davis is thought to have been thinking about his own metaphor for the current state of Brexit, with sketches on his ministerial notepad revealing a huge turd in a toilet that wont seem to budge.


Baron Greenback guilty of molesting Dangermouse NewsBiscuit

Baron Greenback, the slimy hunchbacked toad and darling of the British establishment, has been found posthumously guilty of sexually molesting cartoon rodent Dangermouse. The incidents, which stretch across Greenbacks entire career, from his time as Lord Privy Seal to becoming Tory leader, Prime Minister and Father of the House before finally being created Baron in 1992, are thought mostly to have comprised seedy fumblings in hotel rooms.

A bland, bespectacled civil servant known only as Penfold admitted he had introduced Dangermouse to the amphibian, but denied money had changed hands or that he was in any sense the mouses pimp. A spokesman for Greenback, who died in 2005, insisted that any sexual encounters with Dangermouse were entirely consensual, as were any with other rodents or small mammals which may come to light in future, despite all the nuts and berries weve given the greedy little sods to shut them up.


I am smarter than Yogi Bear, claims Trump NewsBiscuit

Donald Trump has taken steps to trap Jellystone Parks most famous resident, Yogi Bear, to prove that he is the smarter of the two. This came after the president briefly switched from Fox News to the Cartoon Channel and, after contenting himself that he had more brain power than Fred Flintstone, heard Yogi Bear bragging to Boo Boo that he was smarter than the average bear on several occasions.

We could see the President starting to twitch, said a member of the White House care staff, and knew there was going to be trouble. Then, when he knocked his bowl of porridge over his Word Search Compendium, we cleared the decks. An incandescent Trump called up Airforce One to fly to Jellystone, armed only with an abacus, three picnic baskets full of honey and the mother of all bear traps.

After failing to find Yogi, he returned to a hearty dish of alphabet spaghetti and sat down to watch an episode of The Simpsons. His staffs relief was short-lived after Trump was heard yelling to be taken to Springfield when he heard that Lisa Simpson has an IQ of 159.


I Just Watched the Vietnam War on PBS and Im About to Ruin This Party The Hard Times

Hey Brad, thanks so much for inviting me to your Halloween party! Just a heads up,  I am about to really suck the life out of this party with a bunch of disturbing anecdotes I pulled from the recent Ken Burns documentary about The Vietnam War.

Katy?! I cant believe you are here!  What a surprise. Not as big of a surprise as the Viet Cong pulled when they ambushed American soldiers in The Battle of Ong Thanh that killed 64 men, but still.

Oh my god, your Pennywise costume is so scary! You know what else is scary? Vietnamese children being born with extra fingers and toes as a result of being exposed to Agent Orange. Orange, just like this pumpkin!

Oh, but I am wearing a costume! I have on an army jacket over civilian clothes to represent the quarter-million Vietnam veterans that still suffer from PTSD. How about this playlist? Killer, right?!

Related: The Five Stages of Accepting Your T-Shirt Size

Wow, it sure got quiet in here. Almost as quiet as My Lai after Lieutenant William Calley ordered the massacre of 504 Vietnamese men, women, and children. Or even as quiet as the American government was in trying to cover up that massacre and others like it.

Hey wait, come back

Remember at the barbeque over the summer when I went into unnecessary and excruciatingly graphic detail about that Netflix documentary about the dead nun? Well thats nothing compared to the atrocities delivered by both sides during this so-called police action.

For instance, did you know Hey, where is everyone going? You cant leave now! You arent like the Americans who had ample time and reason to leave Vietnam before the war escalated but chose not to for political gain and to save face. Whatever, this party kinda sucks anyway, and I should really be watching that depressing documentary about how all the oceans coral is dying and what it means for the future of our planet to get ready of the office Holiday party.


Peter Jackson Signs on for Three Picture Deal About Shadow of Wars First Ten Minutes The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES WB Games announced today that their newest game, Middle Earth: Shadow of War, is being adapted into a trilogy of films based on only the first ten minutes of the game. The films will be helmed by none other than Peter Jackson, who has directed six other films based on the four Lord of the Rings books.

Im excited to dive back into this world that Tolkien created, and really wring out every last bit of content possible from these first ten minutes, Jackson said during a press conference. Theres such a deep, rich lore in these stories, and the only way to do this one justice is to focus obsessively on every minute detail and stretch a tiny portion of the game into at least nine hours of screen time.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Jackson is no stranger to drawing out stories across multiple films, as he famously adapted the shortest book in the Lord of the Rings saga, The Hobbit, into three full length films that each clocked in at over two and a half hours. He also stretched the King Kong movie to a full two hours longer than fans thought possible, a feat he plans to top with this upcoming trilogy.

Weve got a few rough shooting scripts put together already, each one is about five and a half hours long, said Jackson in an interview. The studio would like us to cut them down to a lean four, though, so we may have to wait until the Ultimate Directors Cut to see the full scope of my vision.

The films are scheduled for release starting in 2019, after which Jackson plans to focus on the next half-hour of the game over the course of eight films, which will take an entire week to watch from beginning to end.

Article by Kyle Sekaquaptewa.

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook to keep up.

The post...


DayZ Now Accurate Simulation of World Where 99.9% of Population Has Died Off The Hard Times

PRAGUE, Czech Republic DayZ, the post-apocalyptic zombie survival game, has reached new levels of authenticity as of late, with an all-time low number of active players.

It really is amazing, a simulated extinction event like no other, said Ran D. Balicer, an epidemiologist at the Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Beersheba, Israel.  Using this data, we could simulate Bird Flu or even SARS outbreaks. So many people abandoned this game like it was the goddamn Titanic; just astonishing stuff.

Balicer was hoping for continued research support from Bohemia Interactive founder Marek panl, but indicated that his attention had recently carried on to other newer ventures.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

What? Gimmie a sec, Im trying to land at School, said panl, deeply entrenched in a game of Player Unknowns Battlegrounds.  Whats that now? Oh yeah, the zombie game, right? Man, yeah, were we ahead of the curve. A friggin zombie survival game in 2013? Nobody was doing what we were doing, youd have to be nuts.

Marek has been responsible for over 3 million copies of DayZ being sold, with nearly sixty of those buyers still playing. Dr. Balicer says he has a plan to save those remaining before theyre lost for good.

Look, its only a matter of time before the last server shuts down, he said.  And those players could be our only insight into what its like to inhabit a truly deserted world.  Were hoping we can get them to travel over to No Mans Sky...


Helen of Troy had big, jeroboam-shaped head, claim archaeologists NewsBiscuit

just one big booze cruiseArchaeologists believe they have uncovered the truth behind Helen of Troys face and its fabled ship-launching ability. The whole legends just a big misunderstanding. She wasnt attractive at all; she just had a massive head shaped like a big champagne bottle. said Alice Hayton, leading the expedition. It turns out they were forever swinging her into departing flotillas as a sign of good luck. she added.

Alice also says that, far from being revered and adulated in her home country of Greece, her life was actually a bit of a nightmare. According to some parchments weve discovered, she didnt have a good time of it, no. People were forever shaking her up and down, calling her names like big bottle head ship-face and then telling her to put a cork in it, love when she responded.

Of course, she was handy for the whole ship-launching thing though, so they were only nasty to a point, but its fair to say she was something of a running joke. A bit like that slightly backwards bloke in the pub that everyone takes the piss out of but not so much as to drive him away because they like having him around for amusement value.

She says further light has also been shed on Helens abduction by the Trojans. That was all a mistake as well. Theyd just heard this girl was good for a laugh, that champagne went straight to her head and wanted a bit of the action. They must have been disappointed when they got her back and the sun came up.

Commenting on the Trojan War itself, Alice is now convinced it never happened. The Greeks were a bit disappointed, sure, but they werent going to go all that way just to get big bottle head ship-face back. Anyway, it seems they soon found other targets for ridicule; a local man with crap ankles and an emotionally unresponsive horse being just two examples.


What happens when Theresa May tells a joke The Poke

Just in case you missed this in the House of Commons last week.

The post What happens when Theresa May tells a joke appeared first on The Poke.


Morrissey now looks like Bobby Davro doing Morrissey on Stars in their Eyes The Poke

Observation of the day.

Some people had other theories.

Davros never done Morrissey on Stars in their Eyes. But this guy did.

Heaven knows were miserable now.


The post Morrissey now looks like Bobby Davro doing Morrissey on Stars in t...


Best legal typo of all time. Do not stop looking til you find it The Poke


The post Best legal typo of all time. Do not stop looking til you find it appeared first on The Poke.


Guitar Center Institutes Five-Day Waiting Period on Ukuleles The Hard Times

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. Guitar Center announced a new policy this morning mandating five-day waiting periods for anyone wishing to buy a ukulele, effective immediately.

The statement, released by CEO Ron Japinga, confirmed that purchase of any type of ukulele will be contingent on a background check run by both the FBI and Spotify.

We are trying to do our part to limit the amount of insufferable assholes in the country, said Japinga. We in no way are trying to silence the artistic expression of responsible, patriotic, Godsmack-fearing ukulele owners. Stripped-down reggae is an essential pillar of this country. However, the increased prevalence of all-ukulele open mic nights can no longer be ignored.

The policy change is not without controversy, as both sides of the ukulele issue are sounding off in droves.

Look, its a different time were living in now, reasoned music columnist Rick Malme. When ukuleles first came out, the technology was limited. If a dude pulled one out at a party to entertain family, that was fine it was contained to a single house. Now, with Facebook Live and YouTube, the devastation of a single 311 cover can spread to thousands of people in an instant. Ukulegislation must adapt to the changing technology, and I applaud Guitar Center for starting the conversation.

Trevor Topherson, president of the Worldwide Ukulele Society, took to social media to voice his complaints.

We here at WUS are disgusted by Guitar Centers trampling on the freedom of musical expression. The right to ukulele ownership was passed down from our stepfathers, declared Topherson. Mr. Japinga, let me be clear: You can take my K-1 T6 Koa 6-string tenor when you pry it from my double-layer cotton canvas tote bag.


According to historians, the classic Hawaiian instrument has been a cornerstone for passionate debate ever since its debut.

Its a sensitive issue it really is. On the one hand, there are people out there who genuinely enjoy ukuleles as a hobby and just want to have fun without hurting anybody, said amatuer ukulele researcher Janice Wilson. And it is true that self-absorbed, arrogant, semi-attractive pricks will sing Jason Mraz with or without legal acces...


This breaking news clip is just perfect like a real-life Anchorman but better The Poke

Youre not going to be disappointed.

Perfect comic timing.

And then came the memes.


Theres a theory that Melania is being played by an impersonator and left Trump weeks ago The Poke

Over on Twitter the Guardians @MarinaHyde has a theory. Tongue in cheek, obviously, but still, you know.

Lets look at the latest evidence as Trump told reporters how much he loves the people of Puerto Rico.

Heres what people made of it on Twitter.

Oh yes, remember this?



Uni Student Still Too Broke To Buy Free Range Eggs The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Like many Uni students, Marek Nowakowski (18) of the University of Betoota likes to at least look like he has a moral compass. It has now been revealed that the young man failed a test of moral fibre by recently purchasing cafe eggs during his weekly shop. Not an easy choice. I considered []

The post Uni Student Still Too Broke To Buy Free Range Eggs appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Painful ingrown penis removal videos to trend online predicts doctor pimple popper : Spoof News : Front Page

Los Angeles, CA - In an exclusive interview with Dr. Pimple Popper, who called our newsroom's deviant hotline, the next big thing in medical videos will be painful ingrown penis removal videos shot at home. The doctor would not reveal her sources, b...


Roosters say Cooper Cronk bbq was very productive The Fault Report

Cooper Cronk was the winner of lucky door prize at the BBQ in Bondi

Cooper Cronk was the winner of the lucky door prize at the impromptu BBQ in Bondi yesterday


The Sydney Roosters say that an informal bbq held with free agent Cooper Cronk was a highly successful venture and that the sausage sangers made quite an impression on the veteran half.

Chairman Nick Politis was in attendance along with a host of men dressed in stylish suits and dark sunglasses.

We feel Cooper would be a great addition to the club, Politis explains.

Obviously that is entirely his decision but in the end we are hopeful he will choose the right option.

Cronk seemed a bit over overawed at times by the occasion, at one point taking some time out to fill his car boot with bbq leftovers.

When asked about his willingness to doggy-bag so many eskys of meat, the former Storm maestro appeared embarrassed.

Ummohwell I just really love these chopscant get enough of their rich, rich juices, an increasingly more red-faced Cronk told us.

The menu for the bbq included a swanky mix of wagyu beef chops and snags delicately wrapped in Australian currency and stuffed with quinoa.





Bloke Who Doesnt Really Get Invited Anywhere Already Geared Up For The Melbourne Cup The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the weather in Melbourne goes from cloudy and cold to sunny and cold, outdoor activities are once again a weekend option for outgoing Melbournites. However, in the case of St. Kilda native Damien Mortimer, hed be happy to see the weekends come and go to bring him closer to his coveted day []

The post Bloke Who Doesnt Really Get Invited Anywhere Already Geared Up For The Melbourne Cup appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Caution: Local Web Developer Is Mates With A Sniper So Dont Test Him The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Hes a web developer known for his Pop Vinyl collection and long comments defending DC films but there is more to 26-year-old Chris Jefferies than meets the eye. According to a co-worker of Jeffries, the mild-mannered web developer is mates with a military sniper. Jeffries co-worker, who has asked to remain anonymous gave []

The post Caution: Local Web Developer Is Mates With A Sniper So Dont Test Him appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Drop Everything: Local Dad Cant Find His Keys The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The Moore family of 15B Muru Avenue, Betoota have been advised to end their after routine begin immediately assisting father Wayne Moore (43) in his increasingly urgent search to find his keys. Its mental here right now, eldest son Julian Moore (16) said in an earlier statement. I was just playing COD, next []

The post Drop Everything: Local Dad Cant Find His Keys appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Middle class man dangerously low on conversation starters with kitchen fitters NewsBiscuit

Fears were growing today for a life coach from Nantwich after it was revealed that he was down to his last anecdote in his attempt to bond with the workmen fitting his new kitchen. The news comes after the work spilled over into an unexpected second week, leaving Peter Steel desperately searching for potential common points of interest and unforced banter.

Things started well, reflected Steel. On Day One, I noted Mike and Roachys hot drinks preferences, and topped them up regularly with tea and biscuits. They seemed genuinely interested that Id had an agency job for a day making Formica units in a factory in Peterlee when I was studying at Durham University in the 1980s.

By Day three, however, I knew I was totally out of my depth, recounted Steel. I had eaten into my supply of off-the-cuff football references to Englands left midfield problem and I had repeated three times my story about plumbing in my own washing machine in my first house. I hated myself for telling it again but couldnt stop myself. I dont think they like me. They asked me what kind of laminate flooring Id decided on and I couldnt name a single style. Pathetic.

With at least three more days of fitting to go, and Steel working from home for all of them, the life coach is thought to be preparing to ask whether Mike and Roachy like pub games, having established through extensive Google searches over the weekend that the pair play darts for their local pub. Id wanted to save that interaction until I was writing them their cheque, but needs must, admitted Steel.

Nice bloke, that Mr Steel, Roachy is reported to have said, while sipping his tea with five sugars. Its been a bit uncomfortable when hes insisted on sitting in the middle seat in the front of the van when we haves our lunch, but hes the boss.


Editorial: Why the ESO Will Not Disclose Nibiru on Monday Someones Bones

The last forty-eight hours has seen a maelstrom of controversy surrounding the European Southern Observatory (ESO) media advisory that on Monday, 16 October, it would make a major announcement about groundbreaking observations that have never before been witnessed by humankind.

Naturally, they are  guarding their secret. Unfortunately, some unscrupulous broadcasters, writers, and prophets are using The Force or Palantiri Stones to divine magically the nature of the announcement despite not having a shred of evidence to support any one hypothesis. As of the time of this writing, Ive already seen four YouTube channels and three websites speculating that somehow the ESO will defy its controllers and use the opportunity to warn the world about Nibiru, believed to be a brown dwarf star with seven companion planets moving in our general direction.

While I have no doubt Nibiru exists and will eventually effect all our lives, I can say with 99.9% certainty no mention of the word Nibiru, Planet X, wormwood, etc., will be uttered by anyone associated with the ESO. Admittedly, I have no idea what they will reveal; my astronomical sources have been incommunicado the last week.

But the ESO is a major player in a thirty yearlong cover-up. The sixteen-nation organization, despite Wikipedia claims to the contrary, receives annual subsidies from German, Italian, Swiss, French, and Spanish governments. Even partial government funding precludes any possibility of Nibiru disclosure.

In years past, the ESO has made countless discoveries that have revolutionized how astronomy is perceived. Collectively, the 730-person organization operates some of the worlds most powerful observatories, the majority of which are located in Chile. Of all its findings and catalogues, however, not one references Nibiru. And Mondays groundbreaking announcement will be no different.

In recent years, the ESO has investigated supermassive black holes and the distribution of dark matter and dark energy that dominates the universe. Its accolades include the discovery of a brown dwarf star173 light years away. Far too distant to threaten the blue pearl we call Earth. ESO also has worked on subst...


Harvey Feinstein To Challenge Dianne Weinstein In Senate Primary : Spoof News : Front Page

BREAKING NEWS: BILLINGSGATE POST Crack investigative reporter Slim Everdingle writes that three sources with inside knowledge revealed to him that beleaguered prevert Harvey Feinstein intends to enter California's 2018 Senate race against Dianne Wei...


Yellowstone Ready To Burst, Says Dr. Ethan Trowbridge Someones Bones

Approximately 640,000 years ago, the Yellowstone Super Caldera, located in the northwest corner of Wyoming, erupted, spewing two hundred and forty cubic miles or rock, dust, and ash into the atmosphere. In modern history, many scientists have warned that it is only a matter of time before the super volcano once again roars to life, but at the same time have downplayed imminent threats to human existence. Nibiru whistle-blower and former USGS climatologist Dr. Ethan Trowbridge refutes mainstream academias lackadaisical attitude toward  a threat capable of killing millions with little or no warning.

The majority of mainstream science, he says, is either ignorant of the danger or has been suppressed by gag orders and non-disclosure agreements prohibiting discussion of a celestial interloperNibiruwhich is acting as a catalyst for drastic climatological changes.

As Ive said before, the undeniable presence of a brown star in the solar system is wreaking havoc with our climate. And its getting worse. The Nemesis staror any of its planetsdont need to strike earth to end our way of living. Even if it only gets within thirty million miles, as both the USGS and NASA have predicted, we are going downhill fast. Right now, the Yellowstone situation is dire. Scientists like to be careful and say, oh maybe it will happen next week, next year, or in 50,000 years. But the fact is with each passing day a major eruption becomes more and more likely.

Dr. Trowbridge asserts that Nibiru is attacking the planet on multiple fronts; its interaction with the sun is propagating heightened neutrino levels, causing unprecedented heating of the planets crust. Moreover, Nibirus gravitational pull is perturbingor causing a wobblein Earths normally stable rotational axis. This combination of effects, he postulates,...


The 11 most interesting Quite Interesting things from QI The Poke

Heres 11 of our favourite Quite Interesting things tweeted by the QI Twitter account.









The perfect reading choice for today The Poke

Weve featured Butcher Billys work before but this one, taken from a series of Robert Smith/Cure themed horror comics, is ideal for today.


A post shared by Butcher Billy (@thebutcherbilly) on Oct 12, 2017 at 11:33pm PDT

You can see the rest of this series here.

The post The perfect reading choice for today appeared first on The Poke.


Is this the best and weirdest Daily Mail reader comment of all time? The Poke

This story about Louise Redknapp has gone viral on Twitter with over 5,000 retweets as its such an extraordinary image.

And in text so you can read it on mobile

She once pulled my Wife out of a Chest Freezer in a local Supermarket after she had fallen in while overreaching, she is very down to Earth and lovely apparently.

Its the mental image of @LouiseRedknapp reaching for this woman amongst the fish fingers and potato waffles that got me writes @Thisislaurent.

This actually happened to me once too easier than you would think! Honestly, a slight overreach & momentary balance error & youre eyeballing a packet of frozen peas while passers by snigger. writes @Georginaburrows.

Even funnier if you say it to yourself in an Alan Partridge voice! notes @Wpaulio.

Source: Twitter/@thisislaurent

The post Is this the best and weirdest Daily Mail reader comment of all time? appeared first on The Poke.


Trump refuses to meet Queen because she took a knee to lay wreath NewsBiscuit

The real reason why Donald Trumps 2018 trip to the UK is said to not include a meeting with the Queen has emerged. The US President tweeted he wont meet her after she disgraced her nation by refusing the wreath at on Remembering Day next month.

She should pay tribute to all those that gave their lives in two world wars, especially so close to the start of the third, he said. At 3am he added: Just seen picture of her going down on one knee to do lay wreath last year. Not a patriot!!. Finally at 4 am he said: I doubt the ratings for the Queens Speech will be anywhere near mine for The Apprentice and more people saw my inauguration than her coronation fact!

The White House later issued a statement that said Mr Trump supported the Royal Family bigly and that some of Prince Philips comments had been the inspiration behind his approach to foreigners.

Stanley Mizaru


People are exceptionally excited by this The Poke

Next weeks big issue will be guest edited by Armando Iannucci and feature a four-page Brexit debate between Alan Partridge and Malcolm Tucker.

Back of the net!

Heres how Iannucci announced it.

And heres how people reacted.



This video went viral after it was tweeted by Stephen Fry and its brilliant The Poke

This Vice News video went viral after it was tweeted by Stephen Fry, and you can see why.

UPDATE: Oh, and he also does humble better than anyone else.


The post This video went viral after it was tweeted by Stephen Fry and its brilliant appeared first on The Poke.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Friday, 13 October


The only flight anyones talking about today The Poke

Think if we were booked on this flight we might accidentally miss it on purpose.

Looks like this guy might have done just that.

Well, given the seat he was due to be sat in, who can blame him?

And theyre off!

More updates as we get them. And for fans of this sort of thing, the flights number is being changed after today so there wont be another flight 666 to HEL until, well, hell freezes over.

Cant believe what they put on the in-flight movie, though.



Still scratching our heads, frankly The Poke

Thought for the day, as pointed out by @BeffernieBlack on Twitter.


The post Still scratching our heads, frankly appeared first on The Poke.


13 favourite tweets by the official news feed of Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea The Poke

Just occasionally the official News feed of Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea is more nuts than Donald Trumps real one. But only occasionally.








Brexit negotiations to focus on political football-related metaphors NewsBiscuit

Following Prime Minister Theresa Mays assertion that the ball is now in the EUs court, discussions about Brexit are to be based entirely on sporting metaphors. EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier has blamed the UK for taking their eye off the ball, while David Davis denied dropping the ball and said that he is very keen to get the ball rolling again.

Its true that Scotland ballsed it up and Wales had to Bale out after the Republic of Irelands steadfast refusal to let anyone in, Davis admitted. But England now have the ball at their feet and are moving forward, despite Jordan Henderson kicking it sideways all the time. Boris Johnson added: Weve told Old Junckers that we are fully prepared to pick up the ball and run with it, then smash it for six, or possibly 350 million.

Meanwhile, Chancellor Philip Hammond said that funds would be available if the ball got kicked into the long grass, even if that were to lead to a whole new ball game. However, the President of the European Council Donald Tusk warned against continuing deadlock: Dont the English remember how they always lose in penalty shoot-outs? he said.

Hat-tip to throngsman


The England Blood Bank had a great response to a racist with a twatty haircut The Poke

No one is safe on social media even the official Twitter account for Give Blood NHS who did an excellent job at dealing with this loose stool of a racist.

Step forward this dickead.

The Give Blood account had a short but sweet reply.

The response was so popular a number of people were willing to be completely drained of blood.

Others opted for a simpler form of thank you....


The Snowman remade as a serial killer flick is scariest thing youll see this week The Poke

Weve turned The Snowman into a serial killer flick and its terrifying.

Dont have nightmares.

The post The Snowman remade as a serial killer flick is scariest thing youll see this week appeared first on The Poke.


Haunted GameStop Found to be Built Atop Ancient Atari E.T. Game Burial Grounds The Hard Times

ALAMOGORDO, N.M. A recently opened GameStop experiencing a rash of paranormal phenomena was discovered to be built atop the infamous landfill containing cartridges of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, the game long thought to have killed the seminal Atari 2600, according to close sources.

The New Mexico landfill on which the GameStop sits contains thousands of unsold copies of what is considered the biggest commercial failure in video game history. Many believe the stores presence has desecrated the games final resting place, and that spirits are now seeking vengeance against the purveyors of much more popular titles.

Several employees, including team leader Bridgette Owens, have experienced the spectral disturbances first-hand.

Used PS3 controllers fly off the shelves, consoles turn on and off, pre-orders completely disappear from the store computer, Owens said. Customers are so terrified that they often times run out of the store without even signing up for a PRO card. Theyre really missing out on some big savings.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

The occurrences range from harmless to downright terrifying. The other day I asked a kid when his parents were going to come pick him up, said employee Joe Wood.  Then he looked at me and whispered In just a few minutessss, so I ran for my life.  I knew it was haunted because no mortal child has ever been left unattended in one of our stores for less than an hour.

Employees contacted paranormal expert and self-proclaimed clairvoyant Ella Whitehead. Whitehead claims to have been overcome by intense sadness upon entering the store. There is so much pain here. I feel the hurt of thousands of children trying to play this terrible, broken video game. So many Christmases ruined.



Nardwuar Anxiously Awaiting Human Serviette of the Year Nominee Announcements The Hard Times

VANCOUVER, British Columbia Journalist and musician Nardwuar is nervously awaiting the nominations for the upcoming Servie Awards, friends close to the interviewer confirmed.

He hasnt slept in days, Nardwuars roommate Maltweez, another human serviette, said. He hasnt been squirrelly or fidgety at all, or even talked rapidly about obscurities. Im beginning to worry he might be taking this award too seriously.

The academy orchestrating the ceremony, honoring notable human serviettes, will release the list of nominees at the end of the week. Nardwuar has been nominated 27 times, winning 23.

There are some really strong contenders this year, Nardwuar said. Theres Vabataub, a Human Resources person in Winnipeg who used Sir Mix-a-Lot deep cuts to end an office dispute. And did you know theres a lady named Nutmobazzle whos nominated? Shes a sanitation worker in Quebec City who forces her coworkers to hum the Star Wars Cantina theme with her.

Grangbown, an Edmonton-based executive who heads the academy, elaborated on the nominees while playing Hip Flip with Legislative Assembly member Richard Gotfried.


Youve got Blamdoy, the hard-boiled detective out of Montreal, Grangbown said, wearing his trademark checkered fedora. He solved a murder case based on the killers enthusiasm for Peter Gabriel B-sides. And then theres Yamp, an irresistibly handsome and suave Casanova, with his reputation for riding his paisley motorcycle from town to town, wooing fine ladies by asking them nonsensical questions in a high, abrasive intonation.

Nardwuar, normally known for his generosity and enthusiasm towards other artists, was even bitter towards previous nominees.

I was devastated last year when Goopord won especially since Goopord once played in this band Nardwuar said from a downtown Vancouver record store, fumbling through several records in his arms before displaying an old vinyl album cover featuring his rival as a teenager. Hes a solid musician. I just dont know if he deserved to win the Nardwuar trailed off, shoving his microphone in a clerks face until the clerk hesitantly said, award?

As of press time, Nardwuar en...


Woman buys terrifying unicorn doll and tries it out on her kid The Poke

A woman called Jessica Mags bought this cute looking unicorn toy which has a surprise in store when you squeeze it. Especially if youre of pre-school age.

So Jessica thought shed try it out on her son. And video it.

Heres what she bought.

And heres what happened next.

In case youre concerned about his welfare, this is what she had to say.

Hes fine btw. Hes asking to watch the video and is laughing at it.

Its gone wildly viral on Facebook, shared nearly 1 million times at the time of writing this.

You just wait. 20 years time thats when itll properly hit the poor kid.


The post Woman buys terrifying unicorn doll and tries it out on her kid appeared first on The Poke.


Dudley plumber Jimmy Savile forced to flee to safe village by ill-informed mob NewsBiscuit

nowhere else to hide from persecutionJimmy Savile, a 45-year-old plumber from Dudley, is the latest name-a-like forced to relocate to Farnton, a secluded, high security village in Suffolk created especially for individuals who share names with public hate figures.

Farnton was founded in 1981 by Mark Chapman of Southwark after a furious rabble forced his migration in revenge for the murder of John Lennon, despite the actual Mark Chapman being imprisoned over six months earlier and 3000 miles away.

Savile, who had already suffered minor attacks against his business, Jimll Fix It (Or Your Money Back!), was forced to flee his home after an angry but poorly informed mob laid waste to his hanging baskets and appeared to threaten his windows and family.

Speaking from his new home, Savile said: Itll take a bit of getting used to but Fred and Rose next door seem like a lovely couple. Theyve already invited me round for a barbecue. I considered changing my name but everyone knows me as Jimmy Savile. I even used to do an impression for the local kids, which in retrospect has only made matters worse.

The Mayor of Farnton, Ian Brady, said: Weve certainly fixed it for Jimmy to be welcomed into our community. I wouldnt be surprised if we get a few more Jimmy Saviles turning up before the weeks out. Farnton is no different from any other village except Fred Goodwin collects the bins and Ian Huntley works at the petrol station. Weve also got the best childrens hospital in the UK due to some of of the countrys best paediatricians having been forced to move here.

It is understood that the Farnton village Council was forced to turn away a Justin Lee Collins earlier in the week after he was discovered to be the actual Justin Lee Collins. We dont want his sort round here, said Council member General Leopoldo Fortunato Galtieri.



People dont seem too enthusiastic about bus seats that encourage passengers to talk to each other The Poke

A bus company in the south of England is to trial special horse-shoe seats in an attempt to get passengers to speak to each other.

The Telegraph reports that Go South Coast have installed the U-shaped seats on 13 of their buses in Wiltshire and Dorset, which they also hope will also stop people putting their bags on the spare seat next to them.

Good intentions especially for dealing with Bag Wankers but the talking to strangers idea seems to have gone down about as well as a fart in a lift.


Well thats every Poke reader utterly screwed The Poke

Turns us running this site you enjoying the content was just the signs of something very bad indeed.

Sorry to break this to you readers.

Source: Reddit

The post Well thats every Poke reader utterly screwed appeared first on The Poke.


This short video of a man using TWO exercise machines with only his hips is quite something The Poke

If youre anything like us, you might make the occasionally trip to the gym and use a couple of machines before thinking enough of that, lets have a mars bar but this has given us something to aspire too.

How does he even make them move? Must be thrusting his hips.

Still, if you want to be the biggest wanker in the gym, give it a go.

Its leg day. from funny

  • Onward my magnificent steed, writes turboS2000.

    Source: Reddit

The post This short video of a man using TWO exercise machines with only his hips is quite something appeared first on The Poke.


Who knew that removing the bottom half of Chuck Norris memes makes them funnier? The Poke

Cherchez la Femme has worked out something amusing: the old Chuck Norris facts are funnier if you delete the bottom half:

Theres four in total:





Lets have a go ourselves shall we? Well do three at random




If you want to make your own then googling chuck norris facts and the crop tool are your friends.

Source: Twitter/@electrapng

The post Who knew that removing the bottom half of Chuck Norris memes makes them funnier? appeared first on The Poke.


Cronulla Woman Tells Shark To Go Back Where It Came From


A Cronulla woman has been caught on video violently deporting a shark from a local rock pool. The immigrant shark had breached the pools border, but was swiftly captured and ejected before it could attempt to claim asylum.

These sharks, theyre coming in by the droves, stealing our jobs and pushing up rental prices, the woman told Channel 7s Sunrise.

Senator Cory Bernardi has applauded the womans move, stating that he had reports that the shark was planning a terrorist attack. Weve seen footage of terrorists planning on using sharks with fricken laser beams to attack the freedoms of overseas democracies, Bernaditold a press conference.

Australian border police are on high alert, employing Mick Fanning as a government consultant to help with the issue.

GK Kidd

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.


Trump sending a bill to congress to change the country's name. : Spoof News : Front Page

Donald J. Trump has proposed to change the name of the country to the United States of Covfefe. His mysterious tweet that trended on social media was aplarently alluding to this bizarre event. We asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders about why he would do...


Republicans Urge Trump To Stand Down After Losing Core Voters In Detroits Outskirts The Betoota Advocate

In a move being described by many as bizarre, insane, and very in-character, Donald Trump has officially tendered his resignation from the office of President of the United States, citing the recent Eminem rap about him as the final straw. Republicans have urged Donald Trump to save face and resign immediately after being lit up []

The post Republicans Urge Trump To Stand Down After Losing Core Voters In Detroits Outskirts appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott Retires From Family To Focus On His Politics The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has today announced his retirement from his family to spend time with his politics and help himself through serious career challenges. This comes just weeks after the Prime Minister declared he was willing to tear both his immediate and extended family a part if it meant protecting the []

The post Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott Retires From Family To Focus On His Politics appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Melbourne Landlords Furious With Having To House Even More Hairy, Smelly Tenants The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Victorian landlords are in a state of protest over the Andrews Government push to allow renters the right to pet ownership. One vocal opponent is Fitzroy based landlord Randall Patel (56). For Gods sake, most of the youths Ive had over the years have done a good enough job clogging the drain pipes []

The post Melbourne Landlords Furious With Having To House Even More Hairy, Smelly Tenants appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Young Liberal Shows His Progressive Youth Edge By Acknowledging Existence Of Gays The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local young liberal chapter president has today put it all on the line by openly acknowledging that some people arent attracted to the opposite sex. Hugo Griffin-Knightley says his typical Australian upbringing  which saw him attending several international schools in Hong Kong and Singapore while his father ran the comms arm []

The post Young Liberal Shows His Progressive Youth Edge By Acknowledging Existence Of Gays appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Hey Conservatives: You Better Believe Im Coming for Your Guns Via My Poetry! The Hard Times

Bang Bang Boom Boom Bang the crackle of an AR-15? 

No, explosions from typing on this iPad Pros screen

A poem to shrivel any right-wing nutjobs peen


This is the first assault of the liberal left

My prose and pentameter will cut, oh so deft

Through the heart of that silly Second Amendment


Guns are stupid and gun owners insecure

While they brush their tooth and shovel manure

What will guns do against tanks, bombs, and drone strike gore?


I am myself a well-regulated militia

Of Bukowski and Whitman and Plath, Silvia

If you just lend me your ear a minute, will ya?


Related: I Respect the Troops by Maintaining a Huge Arsenal in Case I Ever Need to Murder Them


You may say, Why not protest or run for office?

Only people who agree with you will ever hear this.

I say, Thats not the point, I am a true artist.


So I fill my Volvos gas tank (which my dad will pay)

And travel from Williamsburg to Greenpoint to Sheepshead Bay

Spreading the word of a future gun-free USA.


And I carry my rage along my poetry tour

In the backroom of countless commie bookstores

To read to patrons, green, pink, and blue hair galore


Singleton Truck Driver Gets Job With Linfox


The truck driver who stole a B-double truck before setting it on fire and ramming it into the town of Singleton has been given a job as a driving instructor by Linfox.

Weve been looking for the right person to head up our advanced truck driving skills program and when I saw the burning buildings and mangled cars I knew wed found our guy, said Linfox HR manager Marjorie Large. I rushed in and signed him up before any of our competitors or one of the major taxi companies could grab him for themselves.

Meanwhile, Pauline Hanson has described the scene at Singleton as a tragedy after discovering that no Muslims were involved.

What happened in Singleton was an absolute tragedy, said the One Nation leader. At first I was absolutely ecstatic but as the day went on and the news that there wasnt any Muslims involved started to sink in with me I got sadder and sadder. This is especially tragic as it comes so close after finding out that no Muslims were involved in the Vegas shooting.

Linfox graphic artists are working hard to change the slogan on the back of their trucks to Your car is being crushed into scrap metal and set on fire by another Linfox.

Peter Green


Depp, Pitt or Damon to play Weinstein in Weinstein biopic produced by Weinstein NewsBiscuit

Its a story of sex, abuse, rape, money, fame, ambition, slinky underwear, mind control and full body massage, set against the worlds most glamorous backdrop: Hollywood. And more money and sex. Its the story of a man troubled by his own out of control desires, but untroubled about the massive wealth he is able to spend on beautiful, weeping, near naked millionaire starlets who are hungry for one thing. But not his one, unfortunately.

In fact, they are hungry for two things. Fame and glory, and, oh hang on, three things: a cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate shake too. But they know they can only have the first two, because the second three wouldnt fit in with their newly released diet book Eat Yourself Famous ($39.99 Simon and Schuster)

Arithmetic aside, the movie is to feature scenes in which flimsily-clad, ultra-famous and often blonde heroines in designer bedrooms bravely resist the monsters clutches and enormous cheque book and 24-hour online personal banking, subject to status. Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Benedict Cumberbatch are in the frame to play the notorious mogul monster they call Frankenweinstein. Half-man, half-lothario, half ruthless studio boss, he realises his life doesnt add up. In one explicit scene, he confesses he rarely feels himself, although he often successfully invites Tinseltowns most attractive women to do so on screen.

Frankenweinstein knows he is out of control of his own libido and his own lilo, which floats serenely on his Paul Holllywood-style mansions pool, oblivious to the frank scenes going on in the bedrooms above. He has flashbacks and occasionally flashfronts of his evil deeds. These pulsating images of celebrity depravity and vice and vice versa cast him into a terrible despond. His PR people tell the Hollywood trade bible and sugary cereal selection Variety that he wants to repent the terrible behaviour he so vehemently denies.

His way of saying sorry is to produce a movie in which Daniel Craig or Leonardo de Caprio play the troubled and disgraced mogul. Both have an amazing similarity to the real thing. Female parts have yet to be discussed, although producers have reassured reporters female parts will be clearly visible on screen, at least in the trailer. The movie will be produced by Harvey Weinstein.


Dante Designs 9-Level Subterranean Swamp To House Trumps Cabinet Daily Discord

Tweet TowerVice President Mike Pence told the press today, Now that we drained the swamp, we were able to dig a multi-level bog bungalo. It was initially Bannons idea, so technically its a Bannon bog bungalo. I just wish he was still here to wallow in it. There are nine concentric circles underground, but since each level is a swamp, the


Donald Trump forgetting why hes there is like a 7-second take on his entire presidency The Poke

Heres Donald Trump, having spent an awful lot of time talking about an executive order, then walking out without signing it.

Leader of the free world, everyone.

Ah yes, remember this?


Donald Trump gets lost on the runway

The post Donald Trump forgetting why hes there is like a 7-second take on his entire presidency appeared first on The Poke.


A cat walking over a synthesiser creates the perfect soap opera soundtrack The Poke

A cat walking up and down a synthesiser provides the perfect soundtrack to an emotional scene from a US soap opera. Ive always loved you.

The post A cat walking over a synthesiser creates the perfect soap opera soundtrack appeared first on The Poke.


This clothes ad went viral because it makes more sense than our politicians right now The Poke

People were queuing up on the tube no change there, but stick with us to take pictures of this Jigsaw ad which had something to say about immigration.

Heres another one similar but, er, different.


Spare a thought for Kurt Russells tiny hairdresser The Poke


The post Spare a thought for Kurt Russells tiny hairdresser appeared first on The Poke.


Our favourite bits from Margaret Thatchers Smash Hits briefing note The Poke

This might be the best thing to come out of Margaret Thatchers entire time in Downing Street. A lovingly-crafted briefing note prepared for the PM before an interview with Smash Hits magazine.

It featured a brief description of the magazine, suggested talking points, and a bluffers guide to pop music including punk, the Beatles and what was in the charts including Percy Sledge, Ben E. King (continues a trend in using 1950s and 1960s songs in advertising) and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Here are some of our favourite bits (you can see the whole lot down below).

The interviewer will doubtless assume to speak for the average reader who, he may assert, feels closer to Socialist policies than to your Governments policies. You will want to challenge this

You could make the following points: Many youngsters of that age are apolitical and buy the records because of the music and the beat. It is worth mentioning that a degree of teenage rebellion is part of growing up. Teenagers have long been anti-establishment whatever the political persuasion of the Government of the day. The most extreme form of pop rebellion was the punk phenomenon and that happened during the last Labour Government

You man not enjoy the interview. Mr Hibbert may ask superficial questions which betray a lack of understanding. The challenge of the interview will be for you to demonstrate that just because you are not part of the pop scene, you are still in touch with youngsters and understand their needs

The punk era which hit the music world between 1976-78 was a very basic musical style featuring a strange bunch of ant-establishment acts, most famous of which were The Sex Pistols. When the Sex Pistols split up in 1978 the style died out, to be replaced by the current technological musical era featuring computers, synthesisers and videos





Writer Refuses Spoof-ploitation, Quits, Plans March : Spoof News : Front Page

Portland. Highly regarded yet little-known Spoof writer, LeRoy Ephers, has decided that enough is enough. After 300 brilliantly written stories, and two so-so jokes, for both the U.S. and the U. K., he's going to hang up writing for The Spoof, des...


Thick of It vs Liz Truss and the 55p a minute helpline The Poke

Treasury minister Liz Truss was on the BBCs Daily Politics programme trying to justify the 55p a minute helpline for people on Universal Credit.

She really was in the Thick of It.

The post Thick of It vs Liz Truss and the 55p a minute helpline appeared first on The Poke.

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Thursday, 12 October


Push up bra sales droop as big boob fashion sags! : Spoof News : Front Page

It seems the days of huge silicone boobs, coconut like pairs of perfectly formed plastic surgeon tits bulging out of low cut dresses is over! London bra retailers are noticing a huge 'sag' in their sales heading towards the Christmas rush for larg...

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Tuesday, 05 September


Mafia Family Members Major in Turf Management : Spoof News : Front Page

New York City, NY - Local universities reported an uptick in popularity in Turf Management Studies, particularly for college applicants with Italian-American backgrounds. Students who major in turf management learn how to maintain the turf on sp...

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Monday, 04 September


Salmon to Boycott misnamed "Fall Fish Festival" : Spoof News : Front Page

The annual run of Kokanee salmon up Lake Tahoe's Taylor Creel to the spawning beds may not occur this October. Reports from fishermen indicate Tahoe's Kokanee salmon can be found only in small numbers at the south end of the lake. Where have all the...

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Sunday, 03 September


Phoenix, Arizona, is so hot even rattlesnakes need airco! : Spoof News : Front Page

A heatwave hitting Phoenix, Arizona is causing several problems and not only to humans! Jaggedone and his CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army; very appropriate here), is on a chilling-down trip escaping from Brexit lunacy in the US. As soon as he lan...

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Saturday, 02 September


Obama's Secret Pardons: Benedict Arnold, Philip Nolan : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, D. C. Seven months after then President Barack Obama commuted the sentence of WikiLeaks informant Chelsea Manning, documents have surfaced indicating Obama planned to posthumously pardon two infamous American military officers from anothe...

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Friday, 01 September

09:06 to build wall to stop further Hurricanes : Spoof News : Front Page

After bragging his crowds are bigger than any Hurricane he has vowed to protect America from really really big storms by building a wall to stop the weather. Scientists were initially skeptical though as the size of the wall would have to exceed t...

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Thursday, 31 August


North Koreans Required to Start Wearing "Kim Jong-Underwear" : Spoof News : Front Page

Pynonyang, North Korea It was announced that all Koreans, in order to honor leader Kim Jong-Un, must wear "Kim Jong-Underwear," which is made of Korea burlap and had pictures of Kim Jong-Un on it. North Koreans are now subject to spot searches to...

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Wednesday, 30 August

23:47 claims his crowds are bigger than Hurricane Harvey : Spoof News : Front Page

Whilst his magnificent benevolent eminence was on his Tour of Compassion in Texas he spent most if his air time boasting that his inauguration crowds were bigger than Hurricane Harvey. told the world that Harvey was really really...


Kanye West designer smelly, sweaty sneakers worth more than fitted kitchens! : Spoof News : Front Page

With North Korea exploding, Houston sinking, and the rest of the world going "bananas", it seems there is no limit to utter insanity infecting the minds of modern day generations. Stinking designer sneakers, better known as trainers, are being flo...


Cruise ship stuck in Gulf due to Hurricane Harvey, passengers in living hell : Spoof News : Front Page

Mrs. Jane Sunderland is on-board a cruise ship in the middle of the Gulf, unable to dock due to the stalled Hurricane Harvey. The luxury liner left last Sunday, August 20th and was due to return to Houston on the 27th. "We are living in absolu...

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Tuesday, 29 August


Commentators say hands off youngest - Its already bad enough he has for a father without adding media assassination : Spoof News : Front Page

The usual petty sniping from fashion media has taken aim at Barron. However in a rare defense of a the mainstream media have scorned the snipers. They point out the psychological damage the poor kid is undergoing just being Trumps...


Intactivists: The Shlong and Short Of It : Spoof News : Front Page

"Fore skin and several shears ago, our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nat...

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Monday, 28 August


Mary Magdalene Tell-all: "Jesus Was a Lousy Lay, But a Pretty Good Talker." : Spoof News : Front Page

HEAVEN--Random Event Publishing, Inc., the main publishing house for Heaven, released last week, amid much controversy, the long-awaited tell-all by Jesus's follower and consort Mary Magdalene. In the tell-all Mary talks, to some extent, about her...

08:33 pardons 129 serial killers including Sheriff Arpaio : Spoof News : Front Page

Cowering behind the Texas hurricane has committed yet another impeachable act and pardoned Americas 129 of the US worst serial killers. They are to be employed as personal protection group and also assist sheriff...


Trump Announces Removal of Transgender Corporal from Army Medical Unit in Korea : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington - President Trump has announced that, as a result of his order banning transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. Military, that he has ordered the removal of one Corporal from his army unit serving on the Korean Peninsula. "It has c...

Sunday, 27 August


Racists Line Up for Presidential Pardon : Spoof News : Front Page

Charlottesville, VA - As part of a newly announced program, hundreds of racists across the country have lined up in Charlottesville, Virginia to apply for President Trump's presidential pardon. The pardon is granted automatically. To be eligibl...


Trump stuns: Pardons of Arpaio, Bernie & Charles---The art of the pardon! : Spoof News : Front Page

In a video today President Donald Trump, once again, shocked and dismayed America. In a voice that, at the least, tried to be dramatic. Trump said in a voice eerily similar to Moms Mabley's famous rendition of Abraham, Martin and John that he was par...

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