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Ministers were quick to clarify that the Christmas queues for hospital admission, were caused by the draw of resort-like facilities, the mortuarys ever-popular Santas grotto and the fact that rickets is still in vogue. Branding buildings as overcrowded failed to take into account that facilities are smaller now, while patients are noticeably fatter.
If anything, the jammed waiting rooms were a tribute to the NHS fashionable vibe and are a great way to preserve body heat. From now on the funding gap will be referred to as a fiscal hiatus and the nursing shortage will simply be called vertically-challenged.
A Health official explained: Doctors say that over-crowding is now in the red zone, but I say were just getting into the fun zone. Elbow-to-elbow, fit to bust this is more like Glastonbury but with more dementia and slightly less chlamydia.
This new-found popularity does come at a cost, with many patients having to book their beds in advance of getting ill. Said one prospective customer, in a tent outside their local A&E ward: Im planning to have diaphragmatic hernia sometime in 2021, so it made sense to start camping now. And if I get pneumonia in the process, well Im in the right place arent I?
Simon Paul Miller
Employees at an office supply firm in Leatherhead were celebrating today after their annual Christmas party topped their previous record for fatalities, colleague impregnation and on-the-spot dismissals.
Theres always a certain pressure to make each years Christmas do better than the last, said Emma Kirkwood, junior sales assistant at Deskatronic and this years party organiser. But in the end it was a triumph. All we could manage last year was a paper-weight induced head injury and two temps having their contracts ended for arson. Janice from reception still isnt even clear whether her September baby was conceived in-house at our party or outsourced to our suppliers Christmas bash the week after.
The party started with drinks in the office at lunchtime, but quickly moved on to the accounts departments annual swivel-chair race. We call it the Tour de Finance, said accounts manager Harry Driver. The mountain stages on the stairwell are particularly gruelling. The winner gets to wear the coveted Yellow Jersey Boxers, but those who manage the descent unscathed usually find their underwear has turned that colour anyway.
Later in the afternoon the five-man sales team was summarily dismissed after listing all the office chairs, desks and IT equipment on eBay in a bid to hit their December sales targets. Tragedy then followed when Alan Rogers, 48-year-old logistics manager, was electrocuted while sitting on the photocopier with his trousers round his ankles after spilling his beer on the Xerox. It was a tragic and hilarious accident, said managing director, Keith Shah, wiping the tears from his eyes. But at least we have one hundred A3 copies of Alans arse to remember him by. Its what he would have wanted.
Deskatronic attributes its successful Christmas party to a culture of continuous improvement and never settling for second best. When our competitors started reporting serious injuries, sexual assaults and increased staff turnover in December, we knew we had to up our game, said Shah. Im really proud of what the teams achieved.
The celebrations were completed when an ambulance crew came to deal with Alans body. Thinking they were strip-a-grams, Tamsin and Shreeti undressed the paramedics and took them on a tour of the stationery cupboard. Something to do with hole-punching, I think, added Shah. Anyway, theyve both said they wont be around for next years bash and have asked for Mothercare vouc...
With details due to be confirmed in January about the style and make-up of Nigel Farages new political party, a short series of warm-up rallies sees him getting supporters in the mood for the rebirth of his life in frontline politics.
Consequently opening night in Carshalton saw expectations running at fever pitch with a pre-Christmas party-like atmosphere of ecstatic jubilation as hundreds of bigots, disenfranchised Tories and Ukippers, xenophobes and elderly Daily Mail readers took their seats in rapt anticipation of the first performance on whats being dubbed by many commentators his Rule Britannia Comeback Tour.
The stage set was simple and sparse as red white and blue laser beams swept the room with two statues of Britannia flanking the podium and a large plasma screen showing clips of Nigels June 2016 early morning Independence Day speech.
The lights then dimmed and to tumultuous applause as the PA belting out The Dam Busters March, he was carried on-stage in a sedan chair borne aloft by four road crew wearing bowler hats with Union Jack t-shirts and shorts. And right form the get-go he had the crowd in the palm of his hand.
He opened with a blistering attack on immigrants delighting his audience with an extended improvised passage about dole-scrounging and fraudulent benefit claims that very nearly brought the house down. At one point a blue-rinsed septuagenarian supporter got past security and draped her knickers over Nigels head before planting a kiss on his cheek.
After the interval it was vintage Farage all the way as he made an impassioned plea for Mrs May to be ousted as soon as possible with calls for an immediate second no confidence motion, before moving onto what the crowd had been waiting for and he did not disappoint. It was obvious to all that his powers have not been diminished and it was as if hed never been away when he closed the last forty minutes of the set with a tour de force all guns blazing full-frontal attack on The EU.
Of course he was called back for the obligatory encore; a tough-talking piece slating Remainers wherein he confirmed that he is indeed to go back into frontline politics with his new party and personally see that the resounding 52% majority who voted Brexit will not be betrayed. And on that note, with the crowd going crazy, there were two massive thunder flashes and a confetti cannon blast and he was gone.
As they left the venue the audience, seemed to this reviewer, to be frenzied, fired-up and on the lookout for a late night roast beef dinner with all the trimmings.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. A Yale University study confirmed what gamers have known to be true for years: nearly every successfully executed parry in any video game is performed accidentally.
Parries are typically so difficult and come with such little payoff that they really arent worth the effort, states the studys abstract. The parry tends to be the most-repeated part of a games tutorial, and few players attempt them in the real game unless its absolutely required.
Professor Joan Winston, author of the study, tracked 350 gamers over the course of two years to confirm her suspicions.
Game developers shoehorn this bullshit move into almost every game just to frustrate gamers and distract them from the joy of beating the shit out of all on-screen enemies, Professor Winston explained. Whether it is input lag, latency issues or just general fuckery, most gamers will never learn to parry on a routine basis and instead will settle for performing a block or decide to put on their big boy pants and relentlessly attack their opponent.
Maria Boggs, software engineer at Motion Twin, defended the inclusion of the parry in the companys popular roguelike game Dead Cells.
It adds so many extra minutes of game time by forcing players to discover the worthlessness of Dead Cells shields on their own, Boggs argues. How can you appreciate the power and fun of the melee weapons and traps in the our game if you havent experienced the utter boredom of trying to parry?
Professor Winstons study also revealed another interesting fact: the vast majority of successful parries are only executed by a tiny handful of players.
I became the worlds best Street Fighter V player by only ever using Cammys parry. People fucking hate me, said SFV champion Eugene Lisowski. Apparently, I account for 15% of all successful parries in human history.
At press time, a comprehensive study by a team of researchers at Harvard University found that 100% of the Yale researches are absolute trash at fighting games.
The post Study Finds That 98.7% of All Successful Parries Performed Accidentally appeared first on...
An entity that used to be a human male has spoken out about its choice to 'self-alienate', and to escape any kind of classification or categorisation aside from 'it'. The entity, or 'it', has shed its name, thrown away its birth certificate, and d...
JAMIE HOTTAKE | Outrage | CONTACT Theres been a lot of talk about toxic masculinity lately. In fact, as an opinion writer for an online news publication who grew up between two separate but extraordinarily well-off households (after my parents divorce, yeah, it sucked) and went to a prestigious strict single-sex private school, Toxic Masculinity seems to 
The post Why Saying Yeah Righto Followed By An Unflattering Lookalike Is The Ultimate Burn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A new statue erected overnight on the newly opened $5.6 million Bayshore Drive Roundabout at Byron Bay has been described as the most honest public artform since the Hollywood sign. The sculpture, which looks eerily similar to body part most often associated with the foreheads of 90% of the Northern Rivers population, 
The post Byron Bay Erect New Sculpture As A Tribute To The Appendage Attached To Most Residents Heads appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
ASHEVILLE, N.C. A Tinder date at ODonnelleys Pub Tuesday evening was reportedly almost too short for a local man to describe every variety of India Pale Ale, a relieved source confirmed.
I figured there was time to begin with the IPAs origins in the shipping practices of the East India Company, but in hindsight, I shouldve hurried, said homebrewing enthusiast and Tinder regular Blake Drudge. Before I knew it, Cindy [Wentz] wolfed down her salad and was asking for the check and I hadnt even gotten to the recent popularity of bourbon barrel aging!
Restaurant staff confirmed Drudge did, in fact, complete the list, thanks to some skillful maneuvering that allowed him to pull through and break it all the way down.
I told the bartender that he overcharged for our drinks, knowing full well that this would require confirmation from a manager thereby, creating an extra five minutes to cover the controversy over pumpkin ales. Personally, I think theyve become way too sugary, Drudge explained. Judging by the irritation on Cindys face, I could tell she agreed.
Experts indicate that these occurrences are becoming increasingly common, as technological advances shorten average date times and make intimacy difficult to achieve.
Dating apps have turned the courtship process into a product we consume in smaller and smaller doses, rather than a road to sustained relationships, said Dr. Talva Grossman, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. This process has created a sense of isolation in younger generations but, also, makes it easier to ghost blowhards who just like to hear themselves talk. So, overall, its a wash.
Despite numerous texts, Tinder messages, and social media requests from Drudge over the past several days, Wentz could not be reached for comment.
The post Tinder Date Just Barely Long Enough to List Every Type of IPA appeared first on The Hard Times.
EL SEGUNDO, Calif. Video game publisher Konami announced a new board game based on their iconic Metal Gear Solid franchise this week. The gaming giant aims to recreate the gameplay experience by including a 2,000 page dialogue script for players to recite during the game.
With Metal Gear Solid: The Board Game, we wanted to truly immerse players in the MGS universe, and what better way to do that than with hour-long gameplay breaks to explain geo-political conspiracy theories? said head writer Adam Phelps during a live gameplay demonstration. This game really has it all: action, stealth, intrigue, and regular disruptions to the game to talk about the human genome project or Otacons weird boners for Sniper Wolf.
While the games creators voiced their excitement for the product, those who were allowed to try out the game left the demonstration with mixed feelings.
I love board games, and video games, so I was really excited to try this thing out, said Max Fuller, who voiced Col. Roy Campbell during the session. Turns out, I didnt even get a piece on the board, I just had to call the guy playing Snake every five minutes to talk about the fucking Gulf War. At least I nailed my 30 minute monologue on the first take, I might try some theater classes after this.
Other players worried that the games complex setup would make it difficult for the average player to enjoy the game.
The box says this thing requires a minimum of 25 players to fill all the speaking parts, said Carla Santos, who voiced Psycho Mantis. Im a huge Metal Gear Solid fan how the hell am I supposed to make 24 friends?!
Despite the mixed reactions, the games creators are already working on another faithful adaptation of a beloved Konami franchise: A Silent Hill card game that they plan to have fully cancelled by mid 2019.
The post Metal Gear Solid Board Game Includes 2,000 Page Dialogue Script appeared first on The Hard Times.
Britain has been shaken to its core by experiencing a day without some kind of self-inflicted disaster. News is still sketchy but one government minister was quoted as saying: This is new territory. For years now, each day has been one easily avoided catastrophe after another but after a routine day; the DUP making a Brexit settlement impossible, a vote of no-confidence in the prime-minister, the pound collapsing the usual stuff weve suddenly been hit by a day where nothing has gone wrong.
Other MPs have been seen trying to set fire to their office. Boris Johnson said he was furious that ridiculous EU health and safety rules made it impossible for him to bring in two Jerry cans of petrol. I want a new office, its as simple as that, so the obvious way to get that is to burn down my current office then other offices will fall over themselves to make a deal. Ill be meeting representatives later today in my Oh cripes!
CLEVELAND An intoxicated woman sitting atop her boyfriends shoulders will be the first non-musical act inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as part of the 2019 class, Hall officials confirmed.
What a great addition to the Hall they are gonna be, said Rock and Roll Hall of Fame President Greg Harris. Sure, Gladys Knight isnt in yet, but well get to her. Nothing exemplifies the spirit of rocknroll like an obnoxious, drunk person blocking your view and screaming louder than the act. Frankly, Im surprised we didnt get them in there sooner.
The woman, Dawn Cramer, has been a fixture of most concerts in the Columbus, Ohio area for the last several decades, kicking off her legendary run of concert inebriation at Motley Crues Dr. Feelgood world tour in 1989.
Yeah! Fuck yeah. Wooooooooo, said Cramer, when told of her designation as a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. Thats so fucking cool. Hey, do they have a beer tent at this thing, or should I sneak a bag of wine under my shirt?
For her live performance at the induction ceremony, Cramer surprised fans by reuniting with her original concert companion her high school sweetheart, David Melvin to watch the other inductees from the wings of the stage.
I cant believe they got them back together. I heard he hurt his back working as a roofer back in 97, and people thought he would never lift again, said longtime fan Dwight McKinnon. Not to mention the Sponge incident at Lollapalooza that broke them up to begin with. Did you see the way she threw up all over herself during the intro of Money for Nothing, though, and he still kept her up straight while shielding his eyes? They still got it! What an amazing performance.
The duo have since denied rumors that the reconciliation will be a permanent one, as Melvin is happily married, while Cramer has a bunch of fuckin court dates coming up.
The post Girl on Boyfriends Shoulders Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame appeared first on The Hard Times.
The liberal media would have you believe that the classic Christmas Song Baby Its Cold Outside is offensive. They want you to think that its about rape culture and that it has no place in the #metoo era. They want you to believe that this song promotes violence against women. Well guess what folks? Thats nothing but a smoke screen. Liberals dont care about protecting women. The real reason they want to ban this song is because its lyrics prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that global warming is nothing but a Zionist conspiracy!
To the globalist shills who would have you believe in climate change, this is the most dangerous song in the world. I mean, it says it right in the title: Baby, its cold outside! How could there POSSIBLY be GLOBAL WARMING when it is so goddamn COLD outside?! That song depicts a night when it is so cold outside a man is forced to coerce a woman into not leaving his home out of concern for her safety. That doesnt sound like a world of melting ice caps to me!
But the song does more than just state the obvious fact that cold weather means science is lying to you. The lyrics are peppered with subtext that attempts to expose the illuminatis climate conspiracy for what it really is. When the woman in the song says Say whats in this drink? Its pretty obvious what drink shes referring to; the kool aid. The sweet cup of lies the liberal media tries to shove down your throat day in and day out trying to convince you that the earth is heating up when it is goddamn snowing out.
Lets take a closer look at some of the other so called problematic lyrics.
I really cant stay (but baby, its cold outside)
Ive got to go away (but baby, its cold outside)
I simply must go (but baby, its cold outside)
The answer is no (but baby, its cold outside)
My mother will start to worry (beautiful whats your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)
I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer? whats the sense in hurtin my pride?)
The message behind these lyrics is clear as day: Christ is born, hallelujah, merry Christmas! It takes a sick mind to spin this holiday cheer into violence against women but thats just how desperate the liberals are.
Folks, this has been the motivation for the War On Christmas all along. It is not only an attack on our lord, it part of a much larger globalist plot to spread fear through the lie of climate change. If we give in and allow them to ban this song under the false flag notion that it is explicitly about a rape and literally does not mention Christmas once then we are one step closer to being rounded up into FEMA camps and systematically executed by the illuminati.
Illuminati. Illuminaughty. Naughty list. Welcome to the truth.
As she heroically clings, limpet-like to the job of Prime Minister, Theresa May doggedly pushes for a better deal from the EU, although it looks suspiciously like shes giving that dead horse a damn good flogging, from most vantage points. Someone managed to film an impressive shot of Mrs May having a chat with the President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker.
Philip Sime (@PhilipSime) December 14, 2018
It really doesnt look as though theyre exchanging turkey-basting tips or discussing whether tinsel is outdated.
Channel 5 provided subtitles.
NEW Two expert lipreaders tell 5 News that Theresa May accuses Jean-Claude Juncker of describing her as nebulous.
This is how the conversation went, according to the lipreaders: pic.twitter.com/IuP99fJiXG
Channel 5 News (@5_News) December 14, 2018
The clip has sparked quite a debate online. These are our favourite comments.
SimonNRicketts (@SimonNRicketts) December 14, 2018
Theresa looks like she's been chucked out of a Wetherspoons and now she's arguing with the doorman that she didn't do anything wrong https://t.co/KhPwjky3WE
Joe Hunter #People'sVote #FBPE (@JoeHunter_) De...
Youve heard Slades Merry Christmas Everybody a few thousand times already (and thats only this Christmas) but trust us youve never heard it quite like this.
Its brilliantly done and brilliantly irritating all at the same time.
Seriously though, have you hung it up?
The image of the family as working dad, stay-at-home mum and two perfect children has long since been chucked out, as we look around and see families in all shapes and sizes. Over on Facebook, however, a page called The Transformed Wife which aims to teach biblical womanhood according to Titus 2:3-5 and other related passages seems to be suggesting that being a working mother is equal to being a bad mother.
It recently featured this post, comparing the lives of working
mothers with their stay-at-home counterparts.
The heavily weighted flow chart suggests that a working mother might read a book to her children before bed, while a stay-at-home mum reads to children, plays games, disciplines, teaches about Jesus all day long. It also paints a picture of a working mother being too tired for intimacy, while the goer of a stay-at-home mum and her husband are at it like rabbits all the time when she isnt disciplining her children or teaching them about Jesus, of course.
1500 people have commented on the post, largely with negative comments, suggesting that this particular worldview has had its day.
Darren Bull, a homophobic racist with a strong interest in Fascism is incandescent with rage following a bungled attempt to overthrow Prime Minister Theresa May, by Tory extremist faction The European Reform Group, failed by a very wide margin.
How shes got the bloody cheek to cling on to her job after securing a paltry two-thirds of the vote is shameful. Shes scraped through by the skin of her teeth, just like Jacob Rees-Mogg said on TV and there needs to be a second vote to oust her. The whole things a bloody farce, fumed Bull.
Look Im a Brexiteer and I dont make no bones about it, continued the 28 year-old trainee Estate Agent, but believe me I have no qualms about that. Britains decision to leave is firmly grounded by a thumping majority of the people who voted, so what I say is let the will of the British people be done. Why should we have a second vote? We voted once already. We won they lost. End of! Its just like that stupid little foreign rat fella says in them ads, innit? Simples!
Theresa May has had a hell of a week she cancelled the
meaningful vote because she knew shed lose it, got stuck in her car
with Angela Merkel watching and won a vote of confidence by
promising to leave before the next general election. She could
probably do with reading these tweets to put a bit of a smile on
her face its not our fault if she doesnt know whats good for
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too. pic.twitter.com/4jr8lEsiIs
Jason (@NickMotown) December 8, 2018
Things we hate:
People who put antlers on cars
your mom got run over by a reindeer (@bngzyface) December 9, 2018
Ive never seen two spiders fighting, so I have concluded that even spiders are scared of spiders.
Cam (@GinAndJif) December 10, 2018
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: thats not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Oops!I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 12, 2018
I gave you some eels
And the very next day
You were killed by those eels
Yacht Rocker (@economybacon) December 12, 2018
A good way to untangle strings of Christmas lights is to soak them for several hours in bitter tears of rage and...
Novelist Rachel Griffin asked people to share the little things their loved ones do that make them smile.
Twitter, tell me something random about a person you love that makes you smile every time you think of it.
Mine is that whenever my husband sees a dragonfly, he watches in amazement and says in a tone of respect, "they're such accomplished fliers."
Rachel Griffin (@TimesNewRachel) December 5, 2018
And were very glad she did because the responses were just fantastic. Here are 20 of our favourites.
For a long time, I didnt understand why our microwave was always stopped two seconds before the end. Then I learned that my husband didnt want his heating up his breakfast to wake me up so hed stop it just before it dinged.
Hes a keeper.
Amelia Brunskill (@ameliab) December 5, 2018
The humans in my life are pretty great but nothing tops the look my black cat gives me when he wants to play fetch. pic.twitter.com/vEVAG1LnEa
Belvedia (@belvedia) December 6, 2018
Mine is when my mum died 5 years ago
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my son, aged 8 sitting on my bed watching me.
I asked if he was OK & he said, Im staying awake in case you wake up really sad & need an emergency hug from me
Antonia (@Flaminhaystack) December 7, 2018
My 14yo son spontaneously tells those he loves that he loves them. Daily. His older sistermehis dad
C.H. Armstrong (Cathie) (@C_H_Armstrong)...
A sixteen-year-old part-time assistant at PC World is the surprise winner of this years Nobel Prize for Physics. Joe Ward from Northampton was awarded the prize in recognition, say the Nobel Committee, of his outstanding contribution to physics and computer science by correctly advising Mrs Ethel Knight, 62, of Northampton, on how to attach a mouse to a computer USB port.
Mr Ward, who works at his local PC World at weekends, said he was gob smacked on receiving the letter informing him of his success. It was awesome, he told journalists. I knew Id done something pretty cool, but I didnt think I had a chance of a Nobel Prize. But, looking back, I suppose it was pretty groundbreaking for a PC World guy to give out correct technical information.
Mrs Knight said she was delighted. That young man deserves the honour, she said. I was a bit dubious when he showed me how to attach the mouse to the computer and, to be quite honest, I didnt think it would work. But it just shows how wrong you can be. In my opinion, Joe is a genius.
The store said that since the announcement, it had been inundated with messages from around the world. The manager said: Yesterday Bill Gates called to ask Joe for advice on a problem with Windows 7, then we had Sir Tim Berners-Lee ringing asking for guidance. People have been queuing round the block to ask Joe for advice.
Of course, its partly down to the thorough training we give all our employees at PC World. We once had a young assistant who showed a customer how to detach a mouse from a computer AND where to find the track pad. Brilliant. Mrs Knight said when she arrived home with the mouse she went straight to her computer: I couldnt actually find anywhere to plug the mouse into my Amstrad, but my grandson has a computer with a hole for mice and it went in there like a treat. Hes a clever one, that Joseph Ward. A bit of an Einstein, Id say.
19th December 2009
We all have something that we count as an accomplishment for some, its achieving an important qualification or getting a dream job, for others, its eating a four-finger KitKat in two bites -*proud face*. When a Reddit user called The-B-Brain asked Whats your greatest accomplishment that you cant bring up in normal conversation?, the response was impressively diverse.
1. The generous gesture
2. A cringeworthy accolade
3. The really weird skill
4. The NSFW confession
5. The even more NSFW confession
A chap called Jonny Sun won this weird-looking dinosaur at a bowling alley and he was so taken aback by just how weird it is, he asked people to do this.
please roast this extremely strangely proportioned leggy boi i won at the bowling alley, i love him pic.twitter.com/FxD8TMCpmB
jonny sun (@jonnysun) December 13, 2018
And they didnt disappoint, they really didnt.
Your boy look like a T-wrecked
Alex Baze (@bazecraze) December 13, 2018
Me at 2 am on the way to the kitchen to eat shredded cheese straight out of the bag https://t.co/2dGdhvlWhQ
Parker page (@pixieparkerpage) December 13, 2018
Jonny why did they give you a plucked chicken at the bowling alley
Richard Griggs (@LilRichie23) December 13, 2018
I love a man with thick thighs! https://t.co/XTcRCFwNHG
Dashiell M. Silva (@dashiellsilva) December 13, 2018
when u walk out of the pool but the air is cold
kelly (@cheleancr) December 13, 2018
A digital password is like your homes security system a strong password has the right type of window and door locks and an electric fence to dissuade intruders getting in. Weak passwords are like a house with all the doors and windows open, while the resident naps on the couch by the window for any passer-by to see.
The latest list of weak passwords, compiled by SplashData is so terrible, some of them might as well just label their digital presence Hack me.
Thats the edited highlights, but theres a list of 100, if you want to check whether strongpassword69 makes the list spoiler alert, it doesnt. We know that finding the right password can be tricky, but really!
My Mum has just been trying to log into her new email account with the password weak, after Google told her her password is weak.
Daniel Lloyd (@daniellloyd1) December 13, 2018
This is the top or should that be bottom 25.
Hands up if you could have guessed that someone stupid enough to use a terrible password might use Donald. So, if youre using anything like this oh, mate.
The post The most-used passwords of the year are out and youll probably guess what they are appeared first on Th...
Jacob Rees-Mogg has been tweeting in Latin again which is always worthwhile because it generates some particularly entertaining (and childish) replies.
This time was no different.
Ave atque vale. https://t.co/NiiCLlxztH
Jacob Rees-Mogg (@Jacob_Rees_Mogg) December 12, 2018
Which means, roughly speaking (apparently) I salute you and goodbye.
And it prompted all sorts of responses like this.
Cun tery non sensicale
f a b s t e r (@fabsternation) December 12, 2018
David (@rowles67) December 12, 2018
Barry McGowan Art (@artbaz101) December 12, 2018
Richard Maynard (@richmayn) December 12, 2018
The time-travelling Tory MP has form when it comes to this sort of thing, of course, including this one from last year.
Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis.
Jacob Rees-Mogg (@Jacob_Rees_Mogg) July 15, 2017
To which people replied with more of the same...
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Full time stay at home son, Jesse Wickens (34), never saw himself becoming an activist but has found himself fighting for the greater good, asking the question what about mens rights? from the comfort of his childhood home where his mum still does his laundry. Saunders claims that sexism is a problem 
The post What About Mens Rights? Says 30-Something Whose Mum Still Does His Laundry appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
Cassetteboy has been messing around with Die Hard and not only is it very, very clever, it finally puts an end to the debate about whether its a Christmas movie or not.
Until next year, at least. Feast your eyes on this
Sky Cinema (@SkyCinemaUK) December 12, 2018
Wonderful. Were going to watch it again tonight.
@MatthewBerryTMR Heres definitive proof its a Christmas Movie
Lee Bromfield (@LeeBrom) December 13, 2018
This is awesome.
Mako (@WoWnut) December 13, 2018
The post Cassetteboy did this with Die Hard and its the final word on the is it a Christmas movie? debate appeared first on The Poke.
Politics has said sorry to the nation for accidentally becoming interesting. We cherish our reputation as show business for ugly people said Politics, and we want to protect our long held capacity to bore the pants off the electorate then quietly shaft them up the arse, without them noticing. We want to return to those days, so people can concentrate on the important things in our community like Strictly Come Dancing and B list celebrities abroad being forced to eat insects.
The statement came after a terse vote among mostly grey men with ties. They voted by a slim margin for politics to remain interesting until 2022, if not beyond. Politics said: Today we have bonkers toffs, Machiavellian weasels, people who smile and lie about how they voted in secrecy, a paralysed looking mini-Santa in a parka who could bring the House down at any time but doesnt, and a horrible little Nazi man with a false name, as well as a frail looking grinning woman on death row whose sentence keeps getting commuted.
Politics continued: This level of interesting cannot continue and we are exploring all the options with our European partners to get back to the good old days when nobody gave a shit and we could do what we liked to each other and to our paid staff who work so hard behind the scenes. And we are grateful that they are soldiering on through the crisis and that they dont make a fuss about what happened in the office last Tuesday, have you mended that broken chair by the way and been to the doctors and the dry cleaners?
Reporters laughed as Politics explained that the current interestingness is not just a British phenomenon. Across the pond we have the Blond Sopranos. (New Episode coming soon: Jailtime for stool pigeon) The Blond Sopranos play out to a grateful audience who show no signs of tiring of shooting each other in their spare time as part of the new politics. In Eastern Europe we have some really sharp looking military uniforms taking the fashion pages by storm trooper. And in the Philippines, I think it is, you have a president who makes no bones about being a serial killer, as victims bones are dug up around his country. Compared to them, we British politicians are still not that interesting.
One benefactor of the interestingness is the canned food industry, whose productivity has soared thanks to the growth of foodbanks and the government advice that everyone should stockpile canned goods in case of crashing out of the EU, or Mr Putin smearing goodness knows what on housewives knockers across the country. Most canned goods have use by dates in 2022, as do our interesting politicians.
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local millennial Ashley Raymond (24) has left older members of her family feeling a little queasy today, as the post-grad student describe Leonard Cohens 1984 secular hymn, Hallelujah, as the song from Shrek. At a Christmas lunch with the family members they wanted to get out of the way early, talk turned 
The post Millennial Describes Leonard Cohens Hallelujah As Song From Shrek appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
The BBCs cricket correspondent Jonathan Agnew isnt happy that his corporation colleague Gary Lineker keeps banging on about Brexit on Twitter.
So much so that he was moved to tell him this.
@GaryLineker Gary. You are the face of BBC Sport. Please observe BBC editorial guidelines and keep your political views, whatever they are and whatever the subject, to yourself.
Id be sacked if I followed your example. Thanks.
Jonathan Agnew (@Aggerscricket) December 13, 2018
Probably Agnew was thinking of recent Lineker tweets like this one.
Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) December 12, 2018
Or this one (another classic of its type).
Whats that old saying? You should never see a tweet from your heroes? https://t.co/9bU1go3821
Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) December 12, 2018
Except, as youd expect, the Match of the Day man was having none of it.
Jonathan, Im the face of my own Twitter account. Ill continue to tweet what I like and if folk disagree with me then so be it. Thank you so much for your concern, which, I imagine, wouldnt be a concern at all if you agreed with me.
Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) December 13, 2018
To which Agnew replied...
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Ambiguously titled IT Technician Bevan Blake (33) has protected the privacy of his uninteresting life by sticking a piece of tape over his webcam. Known throughout his company for promising to provide IT support and occasionally showing up to do it, Blake is now gaining a reputation as somewhat of a tinfoil 
The post Boring Man Who Really Isnt Of Much Interest To Anyone Puts Tape Over Webcam appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Work colleague Tracey Rhiannon (34) may have overstepped some boundaries this week by telling younger co-workers they need to see the world like she did when she spent three weeks blind drunk in Europe ten years ago. Aged beyond her years, Rhiannon occasionally feels the need to state that her age 
The post You Need To See The World, Says Woman Who Spent 3 Weeks Blind Drunk In Europe Ten Years Ago appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A court in Sydney has been left ruing technology today. The court hosting the well publicised Chris Dawson case has been let down by its internet provider and has had to tell everyone to cool it until Monday. Earlier today the judge was forced to adjourn the trial until the start of next 
The post Dawson Trial Adjourned After Wifi Issues Stop Court Getting Past 2nd Ep Of Teachers Pet Podcast appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
As 2018 slowly comes to an end amidst the holiday season, the International Institution of Professional Results Derived from Qualitative Research in the Subjects of Happiness, Positivity, Warm Feelings, and Euphoric Bliss (IIPRDQRSHPWFEB), has issued...
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Much to the amusement of many at the Betoota Dolphins club, it has been confirmed today that the Reserve Grade coach wasnt actually joking when he said that there would be pre-season training this week. Chris Walker has shocked the club and the members of the 3rd-grade squad when he posted a sternly 
The post Report: 3rd Grade Coach Actually Not Joking About Pre Season Training Starting Before Christmas appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young woman has revealed to The Advocate today that she is seriously contemplating whether its all worth it. The permanent part-time employee at a store in Betoota Heights made the revelation after suffering through her third week of Christmas carols. Carlie Jade explained that she is very much at the end of her tether. 
The post Retail Employee Considering Life Of Poverty After Suffering Through Third Week Of Carols appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has let his social media followers know that they should be pretty jealous of him today. Kayden James (23) did so by posting a photo of the picturesque location he is working at and titling it Todays Office. The young man uploaded the photo from a location on the coast 
The post Local Tradie Refers To Picturesque Location As Todays Office appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While many Year 12 students around the country have been dreading the arrival of today, for one local university student it couldnt come soon enough. As school leavers across the country fret about what single mark they will be given to sum up the entirety of their 13 years of schooling, Daniel Potts 
The post 4th Year Law Student Still Using ATAR Results Day To Bring Up What He Got appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.
WASHINGTON Robert Mueller, former FBI director and current head of the Special Counsel Investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 American election, has reported that hes nearing the final boss fight against President Donald Trump in his lengthy quest, and that he will engage once hes gained one or two final levels by grinding it out against smaller enemies.
Yeah, Ive done pretty much all the side quests and extra stuff, said the head of the FBI investigation into the current presidents alleged ties to Russia. Probably gonna finish this game pretty soon here. Just gotta tie up some stuff, Corsi, Butina, maybe take on one of Trumps stupid children. I still cant believe they put those characters in here. Im sure I have enough experience to take Trump down, but I just wanted to make sure I did everything.
It might be one of those games where, after you finish, it doesnt let you go back and do some of the smaller quests, Mueller explained.
The campaign, which was launched in 2016, has seen Mueller grow from a young, unknown agent chosen from obscurity to lead the mission against the ruler of the republic, to a hero figure the population has rallied around.
I love Mueller! said local gamer Ana Rydell. Hes a complete badass, the way he selflessly puts the needs of the townsfolk above any personal desires. And its so cute how you never hear him talk! Cant wait to see whats next for him.
The final boss battle is expected to be engaged once Mueller has defeated the final form of Paul Manafort, who has pestered him repeatedly throughout his prolonged adventure.
Ugh yeah, said Mueller. He really was the Ultros of this story.
The post Mueller Just Going to Grind a Few More Levels Before Final Boss Fight appeared first on The Hard Times.
I am not calling you a liar, I am just saying that is not what my older brother told me and he knows what he is talking about, he has a Masters Degree. I am not saying that in your, lets say, limited experience, you believe what you are telling me. I am just saying that my older brother has told me differently, and hes been to Japan.
You are just a naive little country mouse that will spend the rest of his life in this town and marry his high school sweetheart. But my brother toured with a band once and took a photo with Vince Neil.
I dont care what Newsweek article you have to show me, if my brother says that the government has a machine that creates hurricanes and causes earthquakes in order to maintain control over the population, I will believe him.
He said that he literally saw the concentration camps that we will all be rounded in to after a so-called natural disaster allows FEMA to declare martial law and round us all up. He said that they are disguised to look like ordinary college dormitories; completely with supposedly student actors.
My brother told me that one of his professors was even approached by the Bush administration and asked how to perpetuate a terrorist hoax only for 9-11 to happen a few months later. My brother also told me that the Nestle corporation is microdosing their bottled water with Scopolamine, which he says is a drug used for mind control.
Did I ever tell you that my brother told me he accurately predicted the housing market collapse? He told me after it happened that he knew is was coming. He said that Wall Street millionaires wanted him to come work for them but he didnt want to sell out.
So, excuse me, if I choose to believe the words of my brother over your, supposed, research.
DENVER Joe Hutchinson has released his annual ranking of the best games of the year, although his entries have made it evident that it was merely an arrangement of the handful of titles hed actually played.
Hutchinsons end of the year list, which was posted as a Facebook status and accumulated seventeen likes and one wow reaction, is as follows:
Yeah, its pretty obvious these are just the only five games he played this year, said Todd Monroe, a childhood friend of Hutchinsons. I dont know why everyone feels the pressure to make an end of the year list. If you only had the time or money to play five games, then theres no point in ranking them. And yet, Joe insisted that Spider-Man should have won Game of the Year at all the award shows, even though he clearly hasnt played a single other AAA game this year.
Despite several allegations of this nature, Butcher insisted that the only constraints put on his selection process was the sheer number of titles to choose from in what he called a marquee year for gaming.
Coming up with the list sure was hard, said Joe Butcher. I mean, Spider-Man is obviously game of the year, but I got a little stumped on the rest of the list. At the end of the day though, that racing game I couldnt remember the name of that Todd had at his house that one night just barely edged out a lot of stuff thats making other peoples lists.
As is often the case with year end rankings, the list proved controversial amongst many in the gaming community.
This list is trash, said Drop_Said_Fred, in response to Butchers tweet displaying the contentious list. Theres no God of War, Red Dead, Smash, Assassins Creed, or Into the Breach, but there is this years wrestling game and the Mario Tennis demo. List is trash.
His list of top 20 games he hopes to be able to play next year is spot on, though, he added.
The post Gamers Best of 2018 List Just the 5 Games Hes Played This Year appeared first on The Hard Times...
Scottish National Party MP Mhairi Black has a reputation for straight talking, presumably because of occasions like this.
It began when Black, who became the youngest MP ever elected to Westminster in 2015, said this about a tweet (which has since been deleted).
Unionist Twitter is where patter goes to die. https://t.co/SKEAp5sagK
Mhairi Black MP (@MhairiBlack) December 12, 2018
Which prompted someone called James to say this
When I look at you I instantly think, lesbian https://t.co/SVwuiw0XSs
James (@JamesThornhill_) December 12, 2018
and here was the SNP MPs perfect reply.
Inspiring observational skills you have James. Im willing to wager that when straight women see you they think nothing at all. https://t.co/fhKxaSqHci
Mhairi Black MP (@MhairiBlack) December 12, 2018
And people loved her for it.
Funny thing is that I and a lot of others just see an inspiring politician.
Neil Evans (@NeilevansEvans) December 12, 2018
That's odd James because when I look at you my cervix slams shut like cellar door @MhairiBlack
Janey Godley (@JaneyGodley) December 12, 2018
Dont we love when men judge us against stereotypes and not b...
Having thrown the ring into the Cracks of Doom, the 1922 Committee was shocked to discover that the Prime Minister has all the tenacity of a hangnail. Even with over 100 of her own MPs voting against her, Mrs May refused to lie down; despite a stake to the heart, a silver bullet to the brain and having had a Kansas farm house dropped on top of her.
A close friend confided: Shes pretty much immune to salt, verucca cream and the concept of rythmic dancing. Yes, shes agreed not to fight the next General Election, although to be honest she didnt really fight the last one.
So with Rasputin or smoke alarms, Mrs May also does not know when to die. Said one Minister: We dont need a vote of confidence, we need an exorcism.
SAN DIEGO Local alcoholic Jerry Tatum announced plans to somehow ruin his nieces wedding later tonight with his drunk and disorderly antics, despite the event being completely devoid of alcohol, edgy sources confirm.
What kind of wedding doesnt have some fucking beer anyway? said the 47-year-old, who can quit whenever I want, I just dont want to while filling a Ziploc bag with brandy and taping it to his stomach. My niece Laura [Fischer] thinks shes so much better than everyone, ever since she met her fiance Gary [Hooper] at their precious little rehab center. Well, fuck that just because they cant have fun anymore, doesnt mean the rest of us cant. Or wont.
The meticulously planned, completely dry wedding will feature an open bar stocked with virgin cocktails and margaritas for guests to enjoy.
Gary and I both have had our issues personally, my family has a history of alcoholism, and I was going down a dark path. Thankfully, Gary was my light, and he and I can finally share this perfect day together, said Fischer, applying the finishing touches to her makeup. Our families have been so supportive I just know this was meant to be.
After catching wind that spirits would not be available at the wedding, however, Tatum began plotting ways to get fully smashed.
Im gonna show up early, so I can stash some mini bottles in those orchids theyre gonna set up on the tables. And last week, I buried a cooler full of beer out in the field where the ceremony is happening. I just have to remember the exact coordinates, said Tatum. If all else fails, I have some cocaine hidden in the lining of my jacket. Its a really special day, and I dont wanna not be nice and tanked for it.
Meanwhile, family members are reportedly already planning to thwart Tatums plans.
Last year, my son Jacob had a baptism, and Jerry broke into the church the night before and replaced the holy water with vodka so he could take the edge off, said Tatums brother-in-law Thomas Green. I think today, Im gonna spare us all some drama, and just hit him with my car in the parking lot. Everyone deserves a perfect wedding day, and this is the best present they could get.
The post Alcoholic Uncle Still Planning to Somehow Ruin Booze-Free Wedding appeared first on The Hard Times.
Like all the best dramas, the tension slowly builds until it explodes in a shocking display of violence.
Well, sort of.
The more often I watch this the funnier it gets pic.twitter.com/esyLWsIIzC
Marge Doolan (@Margedoolan) December 10, 2018
Tug of love.
Away from the manger,
Swung round by the legs,
Our little lord jesus almost,
Dropped on his head
CLONE-ME (@KetoBass) December 11, 2018
The end Mary near putting her in a head lock
Joelyn Reid (@JoelynR3) December 10, 2018
They are all on Jeremey Kyle later! DNA and lie detector tests for Mary
CurlyLittleRedHead (@CraigLaurac38) December 11, 2018
For Gods sake give me back Christ.
Rudolphaelite Girl (@Raphaelite_Girl)...
The good people of YouGov did a survey of the nations favourite sweets from Christmas selection tubs and we dont get it. We really dont get it at all.
See what you make of it
Rarely have we felt so out of touch with the rest of the country.
James Morrison (@morralexand) December 13, 2018
The post YouGov surveyed the nations favourite selection tub chocolates and it might leave a bitter taste appeared first on...
Heres actor, writer, director and much else besides David Schneider with our favourite Brexit analogy yet.
You put an offer in on a house.
The survey says its on a sinkhole by a sewage farm. Actual wolves live on the street.
A) Change your mind about buying (No Brexit)
B) Buy anyway (Mays deal)
C) Change your mind and also set fire to the house you live in now (No deal)
David Schneider (@davidschneider) December 13, 2018
Even better than the cheese submarine, and that was a good one.
Why are you so good at this?
rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 13, 2018
The one industry that has truly prospered as a result of Brexit is analogy construction.
Rob Kent (@robkentzy) December 13, 2018
Analogies are the only Brexit dividend.
David Schneider (@davidschneider) December 13, 2018
Anyone under 30:
"I put in a who on a what now" https://t.co/4eYygsdzCj
Woke Bane QC (@banebutwoke) December 13, 2018
The post David Schneiders come up with the perfect analogy for Brexit appeared first on...
US President, Donald Trump, says he is ready to offer forgiveness to Saudi Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman,the man who ordered the brutal, vicious and murderous slaying of the Washington Post contributor, Saudi Arabian dissident, Jamal Khashoggi, i...
We have all, at some time or other in our lives, received mail that was intended for someone else, and that's what one man told his wife yesterday, when a parcel from internet mail order company, Amazon, was delivered to his Los Angeles home, contain...
Mar-A-Lago, Florida Upon hearing that his tax cut bill has added another trillion dollars to the national debt, President Trump called a press conference to address the National Debt. "The Fake News outlets are all complaining and lying about me i...
Washington, DC In an unfolding story, it appears that Melania Trump, who had recently been flexing her wings, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on clothes and hotel rooms, and demanding firings and reprimands, has staged a successful coup.
Thanksgiving Day, that special day of the year, set aside to celebrate and give thanks for the harvest and all things Natural - but when is it? "Why, it's the fourth Thursday in November!" all Americans will be screaming - but it's not as simple a...
Has-been transgender "celebrity" Bill Mayor recently tried to change careers, trading in (some would say trading on) his dubious career as a comedienne by becoming a literary critic. After disparaging television comedy as fit only for kids and...
Tiger Woods and 'Big' Phil Mickelson are to put their golfing differences on hold, and will spend Thanksgiving together next Thursday, during a televised 'intimate dinner for two'. The pair, who, on Friday, 23 November, will tee off in the eagerly...
CIA officials working on the murder of the Saudi Arabian dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, have said that the slaying was organised by the Saudi Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman, and that his attempts to cover this up amounts to lying. The C...
Mr. Bin Salmans dream was recovered via Googles new app DreemSeen2.0available only to those who can afford it, as with himself. The app downloads to expensive phones, requiring a plug-into-earhole function when sleeping. A surgically impla...
The former Dallas Cowboys linebacker, Jeff Rohrer, has spoken out after becoming the first NFL player, past or present, to get married to a human with a cock. Rohrer, who played for the Cowboys alongside such tough guys as Tony Dorsett, Ed 'Too Ta...
Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson created a sensation yesterday as they attended the weigh-in for their November 23 match that has been dubbed 'The Match'. As the two stood eye-to-eye, stripped bare to the waist, the atmosphere was so thick with tens...
Reacting to the surprising news that one of their former players, Jeff Rohrer, is to marry a man, the Dallas Cowboys have signalled their support for him by revealing plans that they are to erect a statue of the former linebacker outside their AT&...
Richard Puttup-Yur Dukes, allegedly an All-Tuna, Pennsylvania, man was allegedly arrested for alleged cruelty to animals after he allegedly punched a police officer in the face. The officer was allegedly responding to a call concerning Dukes's all...
Crawford County. Thomas Bradley (and not Wesley Janson, who is extremely strong and brave), pooped and peed in his pants last Sunday after watching the 2016 remake of The Blair Witch Project. Because he has no girlfriend, Thomas Bradley (and not...
The wildfires that have raged through California are merely God's retribution, says US President, Donald Trump, in his regular morning tweet. The president said that, although any loss of life is, indeed, a cause for sadness, the choices people ma...
Speaking to reporters this morning, President Donald Trump bemoaned the possibility that Chief Justice John Roberts might take the place of Anthony Kennedy as the Supreme Court's swing vote, siding with liberal justices to thwart Trump's efforts to "...
CNN, the television news company that employs Jim Acosta, the man who had his White House reporting credentials revoked after a press conference controversy with US President, Donald Trump, have awarded their reporter a pay rise, for asking the right...
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