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Saturday, 20 January

23:00

Adolescence lasts until 24, but being an arsehole is timeless NewsBiscuit

Sociologists are now suggesting that being obnoxious may extend well beyond the teenage years, citing the House of Commons as a perfect example of regressive behaviour, poor hygiene and hormones run-amok. Rather than ending at 19, reprehensible behaviour is not phase we grow out of; unlike learning to play the bass or believing in socialism.

Given the choice most people will stay in in a perpetual state of youth, gorging on chicken nuggets, snapchat and the hilarious antics of Justin Bieber. For instance, man-child Boris Johnson displays all the characteristics of a teenager ridiculous hair, racist banter and an inability to master the instructions behind basic contraception.

Said one scientist: Studies suggest youngsters will be 30 by the time they get their first proper job, 50 before they move out of your spare room and 70 before they acknowledge that James Corden was a mistake.

Adulthood and responsibility for your actions, may now be a point in our future we never reach, which will be a relief to the Board of Directors at Carillion. Most self-obsessed snowflakes will chose to stay as they are, or at least until they finish being the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union.

21:00

Trump becomes US President NewsBiscuit

Donald John Trump, the Republican party candidate, is to be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States later today at an official inauguration ceremony in Washington DC. Trump, who defeated the Democratic Party candidate, Hillary Clinton, in a closely fought contest in November, will serve a four-year term in office and may seek re-election in 2020.

What?

You want satire? Look, this may be a satirical news website but we know when were beaten.

16:53

Man Who Only Gets His News From Sky News Panel Shows Says Hes Entitled To His Opinion The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It is widely accepted the internet is the worse thing to happen to other peoples opinions since the conception of other peoples opinions. Once such example is local roller door installer, Rufus Cooper (59) who says he is entitled to his opinion and has an interesting Breitbart article that might change your mind. []

The post Man Who Only Gets His News From Sky News Panel Shows Says Hes Entitled To His Opinion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:44

8 Things DC Could Learn From Happy Days About Cohesive Cinematic Universes The Hard Times

Its no secret the DC Extended Universe is struggling with bland movies and tepid fan feedback. Luckily for DC, there is hugely successful connected franchise they can gleam some tips from.

Here are 8 lessons DC could learn from Happy Days about creating a cohesive narrative world.

1) Everything should be set in the 50s.

The present day is complicated and too hard for audiences to follow, setting everything constantly in 1954-57 brings a sense of stability to fans.

2) Have Superman comically misunderstand Earth culture.

Mork was baffled by things we find simple and my grandpa tells me that was hilarious. Superman should comically misunderstand everything. Stuff like not knowing what a spoon is, or letting robberies happen because he has no concept of property. Humor for the whole family.

3) Make Henry Winkler the lead.

Batman should be recast as Henry Winkler and trade in his Batmobile in for a motorcycle. Who really cares about fighting crime? Its unrelatable. Batman should spend more time fixing up hot rods and hanging around High Schools.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

4) The movies need high stakes plots, like a dance contest or a drag race.

Who cares about retrieving a box? Its dull and there is no real sense of threat. DC movies should use tense, action packed scenarios like a first date or someones car getting scratched. interesting stuff like that.

5) A laugh track so everyone knows its funny.

A common complaint from audiences is that DC movies are humorless. Filming everything in front of a live audien...

14:30

Whats Wrong With The NBN? Wonders Turnbull As He Downloads An Episode Of QI In 20 Minutes The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Recalling his favourite episode of British variety show, QI, the Prime Minister retired to his study to find and download it from the internet. As the internet is reportedly quite fast in the leafy Sydney peninsula of Point Piper, Malcolm Turnbull thought hed have time to hose down his []

The post Whats Wrong With The NBN? Wonders Turnbull As He Downloads An Episode Of QI In 20 Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:30

Actor Friend You Went To High School With Finally Makes It Big In Commercial For Vics The Betoota Advocate

Years of living with his parents, working in hospitality and endless auditions are finally paying off for high school colleague Beau Stewart (30) who has finally made his big break appearing on a television ad for Vics Vapour Rub. The 30-second television ad debuted last Thursday night on Channel 9s GEM station and featured Stewart []

The post Actor Friend You Went To High School With Finally Makes It Big In Commercial For Vics appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:17

Report: Probably Time For Uni Student To Hang The 2016 Senior Jersey Up The Betoota Advocate

Friends and family of Ben Smith have confirmed to The Advocate today that its about time that he gave away his old Year 12 jersey. As Hawtin enters his 3rd year of university at the Betoota Polytechnic, long time friend Josh Herschel took the young man aside to give him some advice. Mate, come on []

The post Report: Probably Time For Uni Student To Hang The 2016 Senior Jersey Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:53

Ketut Wins 50% In Divorce Lawsuit Against Ex-Wife Rhonda The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT If you thought 2018 was going to be better than 2017 you might want to give up hope now as it has been confirmed today that Ketut (28) has won 50% in his divorce lawsuit against ex-wife and safe driver, Rhonda (45). In what was a bitter shock to romantic hopefuls everywhere, the []

The post Ketut Wins 50% In Divorce Lawsuit Against Ex-Wife Rhonda appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

Boris announces 195 post-Brexit bridge deals NewsBiscuit

Post Brexit trade deals will be accompanied by a series of bridges linking the UK with every country in the world, confirmed Boris Johnson today. 195 new structures will be built over the next millennium, all emanating from a purpose built hub in Ebbsfleet, which has already been dubbed Boris Central and a Bridge Too Far by the media.

The UK needs to facilitate trade relations with its partners, and this provides the ideal means going forward, gushed Johnson. Just think of it, all those financial transactions and online trade, whizzing along an 8000 mile cantilevered bridge between the UK and China.

Johnson admitted that trade and tourist income would only contribute a small part of the economic benefits expected from the bridges. Rather, most of the revenue would be generated through film and TV rights from all the dark Netflix Swedish-style crime dramas that would be inevitably be located on the border points of each of the bridges.

The inspiration for the project is thought to have come from Boriss father, Stanley, whilst having his photo taken on a wobbly rope bridge in the jungle after being voted off Im a Celebrity. Carillion are believed to have come up with detailed costings for the project, with a first phase estimated to be around 500 billion, although they have already issued a warning that there may be an overspend as they work out a solution to the problem of the bridge between the UK and Australia having to be upside down for around half its distance.

hat-tip to Oxbridge

04:58

Trump Heads To Camp Mar-a-Lago To Review Military Options for NK And Spring Dessert Menu Daily Discord

Tweet TowerIn the face of a looming government shutdown and mounting criticism from home and abroad, President Trump has retreated to his safe-space to engorge himself with some of the tastiest desserts in the American southeast. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told the press today, The president is heading back to Mar-a-Lago as he feels he does his best thinking

04:30

Mentally Ill Man Receives Free Government Health Care, Housing The Hard Times

WASHINGTON  President Donald Trump visited a White House doctor this week for his annual physical examination as part of his free, government-subsidized health care and housing package, multiple sources report.

Personally, I think its great whats offered for mentally ill seniors in this country, said Cathy Chaffee of Blue Springs, Mo. As soon as I pay this deductible down, I aim to get checked out, too. No shame in that.

Examining physician and U.S. Navy Admiral Dr. Ronny Jackson confirmed that Trump was in good health and had no issues with his cognitive function to speak of.

Jackson added his appreciation for government-subsidized health care made available to those who need it most.

Just because someone receives free health care, doesnt mean they deserve to have their mental or physical health made any less of a priority than anyone else, Dr. Jackson said. Not that he needed it, though sharp as a tack, and a tall drink of water to boot, if I may be so bold.

At press time, everyone was still wondering, What the fuck is wrong with that doctor, and, Seriously, though.

This is a breaking news story. More updates to follow.

Shop safely on The Hard Times webstore. Pick up a shirt today:

03:40

Nibiru Chatter Heard Over Military Radio Someones Bones

On Monday, a Texas shortwave radio operator reported hearing Nibiru chatter on an upper side band frequency typically reserved for military communications. A licensed HAM radio operator, Beaumont resident Joshua Allen said he intercepted an ominous signal while monitoring military channelsa hobby of hisfor unencrypted or easily decipherable transmissions.

According to Mr. Allen, the phrase Sky King, Sky King, Sking. Standby. Nibiru follows: one-two-one-tight-two-zero-one-eight-three-one-zero-negative-seven-two-four-one-three repeated three times in rapid succession. Then, he said, the frequency turned to unintelligible gibberish.

Mr. Allan is a communications savant, having studied radio schematics his entire life. At six years old, he constructed a 5-Watt walkie-talkie using discarded household items he found in local trashcans. His most recent accomplishment is a shortwave transceiver cobbled together using scrapscircuit boards and vacuum tubespurchased and found at junkyards and landfills. His modulated rig, he says, harnesses electrically charged atoms in the ionosphere, allowing him to receive and transmit far beyond the horizon. The process, known as skip propagation, allows trans-continental communication among shortwave enthusiasts.

In Mr. Allens case, however, the message originated closer to home.

I aint never heard of Nibiru till I heard that there message, said Mr. Allen. I always got my ear to these frequencies because one day I know the military is gonna turn against us and, goddamit, Im going be ready when th...

03:02

I Think America Would Be Safer if Every Adult Owned a Cinder Block on a Chain You Swing Around All Crazy The Hard Times

I think its more important than ever, in these chaotic times, that we maintain our right as Americans to arm ourselves in self-defense. Thats why I encourage everybody I meet to own, and be trained to safely operate, a cinder block attached to a chain that you swing around all crazy.

Heres an example: Im walking in the park late at night with a hot babe, and a mugger jumps out from behind a hot dog cart. I reach for my wallet, but instead of pulling it out, I expertly swing around my cinder block at high speed. I knock the gun out of the crooks hand, loop back, and knock his jaw clean off his skull. He falls to the ground: tongue flapping, blood spraying everywhere. The mayor comes out and gives me $100, and later that night, I totally get laid.

Not convinced? Heres another scenario: its September 11th, 2001. Terrorists have taken over planes with box cutters, a weapon easily bested by a cinder block. Ive been up in the towers all morning since I first heard the reports, building up speed with my block really going bananas. As the first plane approaches, I heave my faithful instrument of justice out the window like Thors hammer. It penetrates the cockpit, punching a perfectly rectangular hole through the hijackers torso. He falls dead across the controls. The plane swerves left, narrowly missing the building, circles back and crashes into the second hijacked plane. Huge explosion. The mayor calls me a hero on TV, which is worth more than money. I dont get laid this time, but its my choice, out of respect, because people still died on those planes even if its way less than wouldve happened otherwise.

Related: I Respect the Troops by Maintaining a Huge Arsenal in Case I Ever Need to Murder Them

 

A lot of people are needlessly afraid of cinder blocks on a chain. Yes, occasionally a toddler finds a cinder block hidden away and plays with it, whipping it into a tornado-like velocity and taking out himself, the family dog, and several nearby walls. Stories like that are tragic. Yes, its true that owning a cinder block on a chain increases the likelihood of accidentally using it on ones self or a family member. Weve all woken up one hungover morning, stood in front of a mirror, and put a cinder block on a chain in our mouths, just to see what it would feel like, before bursting into tears and carefully putting it away in a box on the top shelf of our closet. These are unavoidable facts. But we have to remember all the stories of gas station clerks flawlessly ricocheting a block and chain between the heads of a gang of robbers before catching it again behind their backs while doing a cool po...

02:00

Facebook change to news feeds opens door for Friends Reunited to strike back NewsBiscuit

After years in the shadows, website Friends Reunited has pounced on a reecent drop in Facebooks share price to launch a hearts and minds takeover bid on the US copycat site.

We were the first, the best and we believe the only social networking site, said Cynthia, who holds the rights to the website address, has two dogs now and would love to meet anyone from class 5C at Wokingham High 1978 entry.

The fall of nearly 4.4% of Facebook value, which is understood to have cost Mark Zuckerberg $3.3 billion in one single day alone has left the social network vulnerable, according to Cynthia, who believes she knows a bit about the subject. Had two husbands, both bastards, she posted today.

Weve left a message to Mark, on Friends Reunited, that we are prepared to take his remaining stock off him, give him life membership and are prepared to let him come to next years class reunion, even though he never attended any lessons, said Cynthia. Oh, and fatty Laura says she doesnt remember him, she added.

01:39

Our 10 favourite jokes about the UKIP leader spotted on the Tube with his racist girlfriend The Poke

Picture of the week was the moment so-called UKIP Leader Harry Bolton was spotted on the tube with his racist girlfriend despite having said hed dump her over her horrible remarks over the peoples princess Meghan Markle.

Ukip leader says he still loves former girlfriend who sent racist texts reports the Guardian and we smell a rom com.

But what weve really enjoyed is the photo and everyone trying to write the best caption. Here are our favourites.

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01:30

The Menzingers Announce Concept Album About Coaching Little League The Hard Times

SCRANTON, Penn. Indie-rock band The Menzingers announced today the release of their latest project, Life in Right Field: a concept album about coaching Little League baseball, sources close to the nostalgia-heavy outfit confirmed.

The album reportedly explores the perspectives of white men in their 30s looking to establish roots in something greater than themselves.

This is just the logical progression from youthful, suburban angst, to setting good examples for youth through good sportsmanship, said vocalist Tom May, organizing a schedule for the West Scranton Little League. Our first couple records were about growing up; now, its time to explore our futures and our coaching stats.

The band admitted their inspiration drew from longtime friends who maintained regular jobs back home, instead of touring as a rock band.

We asked one friend if he wanted to tour with us in the spring and run merch, but he turned us down because he has a family now, said bassist Eric Keen, tossing a baseball in the air. Thats when we found our own family: the Scranton Townies a co-ed, 9-to-12-year-old baseball team. Theyve shown us we still have so much more to write about.

Related:

The Menzingers believe Life in Right Field is their most personal work to date, including future sing-along classics like Some Crying in Baseball, Home Run (Run Home), and Losers Pizza Party.

We saw the best minds of our generation destroyed by low-wage jobs and aimless pursuits. One day, you look around and realize you have a collection of records, but no legacy, said May, gently applying baby oil to a well-worn leather mitt. We wanted to focus on real-world issues: like having a kid you resent, or reclaiming your former stage glory on a Little League ball field.

Sure, this is probably some of our darkest material, but these are dark and trying times, added Keen, sighing. Ill never be able to retire with a pension and a gold watch. But, if you can make those kids stars for just one season, you just might get your picture on a pizza parlor wall for a couple years.

Head to our online store and pick up a shirt from The Hard Tim...

00:19

Peter Reids tribute to Laurie Cunningham went viral because its so Alan Partridge The Poke

Heres a bunch of former footballers paying tribute to Laurie Cunningham, the first black footballer to play for England and the first English footballer to play for Real Madrid, who died in 1989.

Wait for former player turned manager and pundit Peter Reid to turn up. Trust us, its worth it.

The first time I ever seen big garlic king prawns in their shells was Laurie ordered them in a restaurant. I thought, whats that? He had these king prawns and I remember saying to him that looks great can I try one?

He peeled one for me because I couldnt peel them and he gave me one of his garlic king prawns.

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Friday, 19 January

23:35

Greek Stars in their Eyes is complete and utter madness The Poke

But seriously you are not going to believe this.

Can someone comment just to make sure they are seeing the same thing as we are please?

Someone got in touch on behalf of the entire Greek nation.

Source

The post Greek Stars in their Eyes is complete and utter madness appeared first on The Poke.

23:33

This heroic woman is about to save this mans life The Poke

This video has been shared more than 50,000 times on Twitter because it appears to be such an extraordinary moment and is giving people so much to think about.

Heres how people responded online.

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23:18

What the next Mission Impossible film looks like from very, very far away The Poke

Tom Cruise was in London on Sunday reshooting scenes for the next Mission Impossible film.

To be precise, he was on the roof of Blackfriars station (we think).

And this is what it looked like from about 300 yards away. Warning: long distance spoilers.

Turns out Tom Cruise is even smaller in real life than we thought.

There he is!

Yep, thats definitely the Cruiser. Wed recognise that grin anywhere.

Source

The post What the next Mission Impossible film looks like from very, very far away appeared first on The Poke.

23:08

This is a clever ad for a graphic designer and people are joining in the fun The Poke

The city of Los Angeles came up with the perfect way to advertise for a graphic designer.

It looks like it was made by a child using Microsoft Paint and people were so impressed they decided to join in the fun by applying for the job in similar fashion.

23:00

Donald Trump given second clean bill of health by White House veterinarian NewsBiscuit

White House veterinarian and primate specialist Dr Johnny Bacon says that US President Donald Trump is in general good health, for an orangutan, and that there are no concerns about his mental health, which he described as every bit as sharp as a chimpanzee.
Dr Bacon reports he conducted a series of tests on Mr Trump, And although results were slightly below average, for his species, I see no health reasons that would stop him serving his full four year term unfortunately.
Its understood the examination consisted of a number of tricky cognitive challenges, such as the ability to distinguish a hot dog from a grand piano with  Mr Trump doing particularly well in the food-based tests. Although when he ate some termites off a stick and threw excrement at the camera I had to mark him down ten points, Dr Bacon explained.
The tests also revealed some fascinating insights about Mr Trumps genetic profile. His DNA is remarkably similar to that of an actual human being. But those small genetic differences are what gives him his characteristic features: the sickly orange skin, the weird small hands and the infantile mood swings.
Fantastijem

22:38

This Donald Trump story is reminding people of a Victoria Wood song The Poke

So heres our favourite Donald Trump story of the day so far.

According to a new report by the Mother Jones website, Donald Trump asked former porn star Stormy Daniels to spank him with a copy of Forbes magazine that had him and his family on the cover.

The report also claims that Trump made Daniels watch hours of Shark Week.

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22:19

Brexit to shrink Digestives by 7 per pack and nothing is worth living anymore The Poke

First Brexit robbed our Toblerones and now its taking the biscuit by removing 7 yes count them 7 biscuits from a packet of 400g McVities Digestives.

Pladis (owner of McVities) tolds the Evening Standard : The rising cost of ingredients and changes in the exchange rates means it has become more expensive to bake our products. We are making changes in response to changing market conditions and the increased cost of ingredients.

Seven digestive biscuits, pictured earlier.

Reaction from British biscuit fans was swift and brutal:

Crumbs! writes @Arfurphuqsake over on Twitter.

The post Brexit to shrink Digestives by 7 per pack and nothing is worth living anymore appeared first on The Poke.

22:19

This video went viral because kids parties in Glasgow are something else The Poke

It all kicks off around the 20-second mark.

22:07

This police dogs hair will put a smile on your face (as might the comments) The Poke

Not only does this fella help solve crimes, he also cheers us up. What a dog.

And heres some of the love hes feeling on Twitter.

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22:00

Telltale Announces Black Mirror Game That Lets You Control How Depressed You Get The Hard Times

SAN RAFAEL, Calif. Continuing its trend of licensed games, Telltale revealed it would be working on a new game set in the Black Mirror universe that will allow users unprecedented choice in just how depressing their story will be.

What better studio to create a game that lets players experience emotions ranging from sad to depressed than Telltale Games? said Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker. There is not another developer I would trust to make the fans of Black Mirror agonize themselves over for hours.

Telltale promises that the game will feature plenty of scenarios that will allow gamers to define their sad story. In one such instance, a pale man in a black hat holds a gun to your iPhone and your child and the player must choose which to save.

Read More From Hard Drive: Game-Breaking Telltale Glitch Affects Outcome of Story

In this scenario, you can choose to save the iPhone and watch the man kill your son. Or you can choose to save your kid, watch the man shoot your iPhone and then shoot your son, said Telltale CEO Kevin Bruner at press conference. Whether your want your sadness to be seasonal or clinical, the decision is fully in the players hands.

For fans wondering if there might be a chapter in the game that has a similar heartwarming ending like beloved Black Mirror episode San Junipero, Bruner assured them that there would eventually be such an episode.

I dont want to spoil anything, but in one episode someone interacts with a computer and doesnt immediately die.

21:53

Heath Ledgers response to disgusting Brokeback Mountain is everything The Poke

Its nearly 10 years since Heath Ledger died on 22 January, 2008.

Heres what the late actor had to say to someone who called the relationship in Brokeback Mountain disgusting and its worth every second.

RIP Heath Ledger.

...

21:17

17 favourite responses to Boris Johnsons plan to build a 22-mile bridge to France The Poke

Boris Johnsons got a spiffing new idea. A 22-mile bridge between Britain and France to improve transport links between the two countries after Brexit.

At talks with French president Emmanuel Macron, the foreign secretary said it was ridiculous that two of the worlds biggest economies are linked by a single railway line (presumably he didnt mean that was one too many).

Not sure what Macron made of the idea, but heres our pick of what everyone else thought.

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21:16

14 everyday scenes transformed by sticking a phone in front of them and creating something new The Poke

Yahav Draizin has a great shtick on Instagram he makes live photomontages by sticking a phone into the middle of a shot and then, uses another phone to snap the composition.

The results is creative and fun and heres 14 of his best.

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@eldancars

A post shared by Yahav Draizin (@yahavd) on Jan 15, 2018 at 12:57am PST

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21:00

Zeta virus hits Dads Army fans in major health scare NewsBiscuit

zeta virusA recent outbreak of the Zeta virus has caused a major public health scare. Thought to be activated by pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones, the virus mainly affects old men, particularly those called Douglas or Michael. Pictures of Zeta-Jones attending Tuesdays premier of the film Dads Army in a revealing blue dress triggered an outbreak of acute cases, but longer-term chronic effects are expected to trouble those old enough to sit through the film itself, in which Zeta-Jones plays a journalist.

Tropical diseases expert Dr Jane Worsthorne, 43, said it was too early to say whether the Zeta virus was a mutation of the Zika virus which has much of South America in its grip. Zika is most dangerous to young pregnant women, she said, while Zeta tends to strike that section of the population for whom getting anyone pregnant is usually a distant memory. Having said that, initial symptoms often include a remarkable, though short-lived, increase in libido and reversal of erectile dysfunction.

After the initial effects wear off, victims usually suffer a delusional Zeta fixation for periods ranging from hours to weeks, before progressing to the final stages which usually involve sobbing quietly. While rarely fatal, the virus can cause potentially harmful palpitations and a rise in blood pressure.

While Zika is spread by mosquitoes, which flourish in stagnant water, the Zeta virus is thought to be transmitted by the nostalgia bug, which thrives best in warm beer drunk by groups of potential sufferers. It then lies dormant until aroused by an appropriate, or more likely inappropriate, picture.

With a vaccine said to be ten years or more away, most experts think it more likely that the disease will die out naturally, as the power of the Zeta image reduces and potential sufferers fall prey to other age-related health problems instead.

20:13

Watching a load of women at a party huffing on a Wiimote thinking its a vape is well funny The Poke

Girl brings Wii controller to a party and people think its a vape. writes ListenHereChap over on Reddit.

* Thats some dangerous behavior. Not one of them used the wrist strap writes mattreyu.

* Smoke wiid every day writes Young_macadamia.

Source: Reddit

The post Watching a load of women at a party huffing on a Wiimote thinking its a vape is well funny appeared first on The Poke.

18:54

The best joke about UKIP leader being spotted on the tube with his racist girlfriend The Poke

UKIP Leader Harry Bolton has been spotted on the tube with his racist girlfriend despite having said hed dump her over her horrible remarks over the peoples princess Meghan Markle.

Ukip leader says he still loves former girlfriend who sent racist texts reports the Guardian and we smell a rom com.

But what weve really enjoyed is the photo and everyone trying to write the best caption.

Is it this the best caption?

Or is it this the best caption?

Or what about this one?

No, its clearly this one. This is the best caption.

16:28

Locals Stage Boycott Of Pub They Never Visit After Mass-Produced Beer Is Taken Off Tap The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It takes a lot for sheep and cattle farmers to put aside their differences and unite for the greater good. On a national level, the fight for drought relief and market protections has brought them together in the past. But today, on a more local level, locals from the Northern Lakes district on []

The post Locals Stage Boycott Of Pub They Never Visit After Mass-Produced Beer Is Taken Off Tap appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:40

Bernardi Reluctantly Adds Beds Are Burning, Treaty And Solid Rock To His Hottest 100 The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being told to fuck off by both Spotify and several prominent Australian recording artists, Senator Cory Bernardi has had to resort to including a few songs about blackfella rights in his alternative hottest 100 just to make up the numbers. Senator Bernardi, head of the Australian Conservatives party, created the []

The post Bernardi Reluctantly Adds Beds Are Burning, Treaty And Solid Rock To His Hottest 100 appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:07

Zoo Patron Lowkey Shitting Himself Posing For Photo With Local Orangutan The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Her keepers say shes harmless but Brett Galloway knows that orangutans have a dark side. The 54-year-old initially said no to a photo opportunity with the great ape, citing that he wouldnt go into the enclosure unarmed or alone. But his family convinced him. He spoke to reporters this []

The post Zoo Patron Lowkey Shitting Himself Posing For Photo With Local Orangutan appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:51

Tasmania Almost Gets Hot The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Tasmanians are today actively seeking businesses that have air-conditioning, as the mercury glides just under 30 degrees celsius in the Apple Isle. Thousands of slow speaking convict-descendants have been spotted lining up outside the one cinema in Hobart, as well as the flash Maccas on the highway into town. This comes as []

The post Tasmania Almost Gets Hot appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:55

French plot to smuggle migrants into UK uncovered NewsBiscuit

Frances President Macron is under fire following the uncovering of a plot to flood the UK with migrants on the pretext of loaning the Bayeux Tapestry to the UK as a peace offering to Theresa May in the run up to Brexit.

The plot, according to MI5, was to hide scores of migrants inside rolled up sections of a fake Bayeux Tapestry and release them onto British soil right under the nose of the Government.

Suspicions arose after three migrants were found inside a French lorry at Dover, in a consignment of Chantilly Lace destined for exclusive gown shops in Londons West End. Under questioning details of a larger plot was discovered concerning the Tapestry.

A spokesman for MI5 said, We believe we have stopped a sneaky plan by Mr Macron to divert post-Brexit immigration issues by loaning the Tapestry to the UK and smuggling in scores of migrants while simultaneously flattering the Government with his magnaninmous gesture.

The Prime Minister has been criticised for not heeding previous warnings by advisors and observers about the danger of befriending the French.

In an earlier email to Mrs May by the Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, it was revealed that he warned her to be afraid of the Frogs, even those bearing gifts. Similarly, BBC correspondent Laura Kuenssberg predicted, the arrival of the Tapestry would see the downfall of Brexit negotiations and the collapse of Europe.

Speaking from the eighteenth hole at Mar-a-Lago President Trump said, I told Prime Minister Queen Victoria, when we met last year, that gangs of migrants would soon arrive in Britainlandshire to commit murder, rape and scroungery, but who knew theyd try and sneak in inside the worlds longest and dirtiest old tea towel ever. WOW!

 

10:39

Shirt Will Iron Itself Out By 12PM Meeting The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Walking into the office this morning, Jaysern Vukovic (37), was greeted by an unusually high number of judgmental scowls from his colleagues. Immediately thinking the worst, Jaysern looked down to see if he was exposing himself or had spilt coffee on his shirt, however, to Jayserns untrained and sartorially-starved []

The post Shirt Will Iron Itself Out By 12PM Meeting appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:02

What a difference a year makes (and the person who wrote it is now Theresa Mays press secretary) The Poke

Its the first anniversary of this memorable Daily Mail front page, to which history hasnt been altogether kind.

James Slack, then the Daily Mails political editor, is now Downing Street press secretary.

Can it really be only a year?

Source

The post What a difference a year makes (and the person who wrote it is now Theresa Mays press secretary) appeared first on The Poke.

08:44

Pissed Orson Welles champagne advert is just what you need in dry January The Poke

This will get you in the mood.

Cheers!

Its one of a number of ads he did for Paul Masson, of which this is the most famous. Heres what the great man was trying to say, before he was so rudely interrupted.

The taste of French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. Theres a California champagne by Paul Masson, inspired by that same French excellence. Its fermented in the bottle, and like the best French champagne, its vintage dated. Paul Massons superb taste shouldnt be too surprising: This champagne may not come from France but it was created by a man who did. Paul Masson: Paul Masson will sell no wine before its time.

Source

The post Pissed Orson Welles champagne advert is just what you need in dry January appeared first on The Poke.

08:32

Bernardi Angrily Rips Down The Savage Garden Poster On His Bedroom Wall

Senator and aspiring DJ Cory Bernardi has angrily ripped down the Savage Garden poster that he had hanging above his bed. The move follows the bands lead singer Darren Hayes condemning the Senator for using his music.

He was so angry when Darren tweeted him that he ran straight up to his bedroom and ripped down the poster, said the Senators wife. Then he spent the rest of the night replacing all of the Savage Garden songs on his mixtapes with songs by Alanis Morrisette.

Cory loves nothing more than making a mixtape. Hes good at it too, his Pet Shop Boys/Village People tape is very romantic.

When reached for comment Senator Bernardi said (from behind his locked bedroom door): Go away Im not talking to you or anyone. Besides I never liked Savage Garden, they suck. So does Barnesy and Powderfinger and the Hilltop Hoods!

Now leave me alone Im listening to the Venga Boys. I bet theyd come to my Australia day party.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian...

08:25

People are coming up with very British offences and theyre funny and oh so true The Poke

People have been coming up with #VeryBritishOffences on Twitter little things we probably shouldnt do but we do anyway because, you know, were British.

See how many of them you do. Theyre funny and also rather reassuring that weve still got so much in common (an unusually large number of them appear to involve shopping bags).

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07:45

FEMA Arsenal Discovered At Cleveland WalMart Someones Bones

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is hoarding a massive cache of firearms in at least one Cleveland area Wal-Mart, says an employee wishing to remain anonymous whom accidentally stumbled upon an enormous quantity of military-grade weapons in a chamber normally secured behind digital lock and key. For the sake of readability, we shall call our source Joel.

According to Joel, he had finished a 4:00 PM to 1:00 AM shift and was readying to leave work when he noticed an unsecured office door in an employee-only location within the store. He thought the office belonged to a district manager because the doors locking mechanism differed from all other offices at the location; it was protected by a digital keypad, whereas other offices used conventional locks and keys. He had never seen anyone enter or leave that room, ever.

He found the door ajar, he said, and considered simply pushing it closed before curiosity compelled him to peek inside the office. What he saw, he added, chilled his bones.

It was no ordinary office, Joel said. No desk. No shelves. No phone. But all four walls had lockers filled with weapons. I could see inside because the lockers had what I can only call ventilation holes, even though I know that makes no sense. But I could clearly see racks of what looked like M-16s and belt-fed automatic rifles filling the lockers.

The words Property of FEMA were stenciled boldly on the front of each locker.

Ive heard a story FEMA is converting our stores into internment camps, but I never believed it. Not until now, Joel said.

He estimates the lockers held at least one hundred weapons, in addition to a dozen padlocked crates, ostensibly filled with ammunition.

I wanted to run and get the hell out of there, but my arms and legs were frozen with fear. I figure if they had all those weapons, then they have hidden cameras too and I was already caught, and that running would be pointless. Figured I was fucked and fired either way. So I stood and waited, figuring some armed goons would arrive toI dont even wanna think about it. But nothing happened. Im sort of glad I got to see that room, but also wish I hadnt.

That office, he said, is a relatively new addition to the store. He recalled hearing construction crews using jackhammers and other tools during his shift, usually after...

07:44

The Shovel Fails To Win Fake News Award The Shovel

Donald Trump tweets

In a disappointing boost to its credibility, The Shovel failed to win a single award in the highly anticipated 2017 Fake News Awards announced by Donald Trump on Wednesday.

The awards were dominated by The New York Times, CNN, ABC News and The Washington Post.
The failure to win an award is further proof of The Shovels shift towards truth-in-reporting, with articles such as Donald Trump Announces Plans To Count To A Million and Trump Named Times Toddler Of The Year notably missing out on a gong.
The failure to rate even an honourable mention in the awards ceremony has placed the editor under considerable pressure.

04:45

Trump 2020 victory less likely as Tide Pod consumption whittles base Stubhill News

Trump faces uphill election battle due to thinning base.

04:30

Anemic Hipster Takes Ironic Supplements The Hard Times

LOS ANGELES Anemic American and Etsy shop owner Devin Davies was seen this morning sorting a variety of personal, ironic supplements at Kindness & Mischief Coffee, confirmed bearded and bespectacled witnesses in between eye rolls and scoffs.

She wasnt always anemic, said frienemy Guthrie Jacobs. She used to eat enough red meat to keep all of Highland Park in an iron surplus. But after going vegan, she started taking these fake iron supplements as a goof. It was honestly pretty dank I kinda hate her for it.

Davies allegedly purchased her supplements from holistic health professional and crystal hoarder Dr. Arlo Boner.

Theres no question that part of the joke for Devin was getting the pills from someone named Dr. Boner, said Dr. Boner. I take offense to my supplements being slandered as fake or ironic. Each capsule is opened, bathed in lavender water, and sung to sleep by children under the age of five. From there, I personally whisper, You are iron into the capsule, until it truly is. If Devin became anemic, thats on her and her chakras not me.

Related: 

While her supplement use has stayed consistent over the past six months, Davies diet has not, likely exacerbating her anemia.

Giving up all red meat and dairy is definitely not what caused her to become anemic, said Salinger Williams, Davies favorite/least favorite barista, depending on the day. Ive been vegan for two weeks, and Im not anemic. Devin isnt big into eating vegetables or beans she basically subsists on warm ginger water, American Spirits, and those joke pills. You gotta give her credit for that, though. I mean, I guess. How am I supposed to feel?

At press time, Davies was too weak to comment.

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02:00

France swaps Bayeux Tapestry for a copy of Viz NewsBiscuit

In what is being seen as the cultural exchange of the century, France is offering the UK a piece of moth-eaten tat in exchange for Buster Gonad and a Cockney Wanker. Although slightly one-sided, President Macron has offered to sweeten the deal with a dirty limerick by Marcel Proust and the scrap value of the Eiffel Tower.

The Bayeux Tapestry is probably the medieval periods most infamous cartoon strip; featuring the slapstick antics of William the Conqueror, Harold the Sexist and Billy the Fish. Historians have long debated the origins of the tapestry, but all agree it looks a bit sh$t.

By contrast, Parisian intellectuals have long coveted Viz Comics post-modernist, existential Nouveau Ralisme and tits. Even Coco Chanel based her little black dress on a scrap of chiffon used to cover 5% of the surface area of the Fat Slags.

One art historian commented: The tapestry depicts a pitched battle between poorly dressed peasants, very much like the comics portrayal of a Friday night in Newcastle. But one is vulgar daubing filled with unnecessary violence and cultural stereo-types while the other is Viz.

01:30

Indie Goat Thinks Vinyl Tastes Better The Hard Times

PLANO, Texas Griffy, one of dozens of goats at the Pheldert Phamily Animal Experience in the Dallas suburbs, reportedly keeps his indie credibility intact by eating exclusively vinyl records, caretakers familiar with the goat confirmed this morning.

Usually a goatll gnaw on damn near anything. Tin cans, old tractor tires, and what have you, said Gordon Pheldert, lead farmer and spokesperson for the decidedly mute goat. Heh. But not ol Griffy, though! Why, he et up a distros worth of 45s since sun-up this mornin.

Griffy, who previously ate cassettes, CDs, and one young patrons iPod Nano, has clearly shown that vinyl is the way to go when it comes to ingesting physical media.

He specially likes the snaps and pops it makes when his little goat teeth bust through the lacquer, even though it turns some of the other goats off, Pheldert said, tossing a thrift store copy of Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brasss Whipped Cream and Other Delights over the pen fencing. If someone tries slippin him a sheet o paper with a download code, Griffyll stomp up a storm. Guess he just likes a cleaner chew.

Phelderts customers have begun bringing their own LPs to feed the two-year-old billie.

Related:

If you traded your bands 7 for our bands 7 while we were on tour, chances are we totally fed it to Griffy the day we got back home, said Tess Bridges, lead vocalist for local hardcore band Dire Circumstance. Sometimes we have an entire crate, and he just sort of leafs through it with his hoof until he finds a particularly tasty colored vinyl. We just love that little guy.

Griffy, marked by his knit scarf and frequent cigarette breaks, is allegedly expanding his palette, much to Phelderts dismay.

Those old Delta blues 78s are dang hard to come by especially near mint, like hes starting to like em, Pheldert said from a rocking chair, watching the sun set. I suppose he does his part, bringing the customers in and whatnot but, Lord, do I live in fear of the day that goat learns how to order off Discogs.

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Thursday, 18 January

23:11

This photographer reverses the roles in old sexist ads to give men a taste of their own sexist poison The Poke

In a parallel universe is a series of fictional images, recreated from real ads in the mad men era, that question modern day sexism: showing it through a humorous light to spark a conversation through role play.

Last Thanksgiving, I overheard my uncles talk about how women are better off cooking, taking care of the kitchen, and fulfilling their womanly duties. Although I know that not all men like my uncles think that way I was surprised to learn that some still do, so I went on to imagine a parallel universe, where roles are inverted and men are given a taste of their own sexist poison.

elirezkallah

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23:00

Much-loved film franchise revived for Carillion Up The Official Receiver NewsBiscuit

Ealing Studios today announced funding has been secured for a new film in the much-loved Carillion series, provisionally entitled Carillion Up The Official Receiver.

The film will see the usual cast of hapless buffoons tackling something thats patently beyond them, in this case managing a huge facilities management and construction firm.

Jim Dale plays Finance Director Nookie, whos often distracted from the companys balance sheet when his secretary (Barbara Windsor) walks past in a tight sweater. This lands him in trouble with his boss (Kenneth Williams), who has to go cap in hand to Theresa Maytron (Hattie Jacques) and confess that the company is going down. Fortunately, in return for unspecified sexual favours, Maytron agrees to bail it out with taxpayers money, uttering the famous double-entendre that Williams had better also be too big to fail.

As Managing Director, Sid James is given plenty of opportunities for his trademark hearty chuckle, particularly when he learns of the millions he will still be paid despite making a huge balls-up of running the company.

Carillion Up The Official Receiver will have you laughing until the tears run down your face, especially if you check how much is left in your pension while watching it.

22:48

Chris Tarrant has admitted drink driving and this is the best joke youll see The Poke

Chris Tarrant has admitted drink driving and we wouldnt ordinarily bother you with it but its prompted lots of jokes of which this is the very best.

And honourable mentions to this lot.

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17:36

Anthem Protest turns Violet in Fredericksville, MD TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Fredericksville, MD. John G. Wittier [sick] reporting. While National Anthem protests have dwindled as the professional football season nears an end, a demonstration in Fredericksville, Md., on Martin Luther King Day, turned ugly as "Make America G...

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Monday, 15 January

18:54

"Hotter than Hell:" Global Warming threatens Satan's High Temperature Leadership TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

East Hades, Nether World. Exclusive to Spoof News. Official temperature reports for last year indicate an astonishing trend that, if it continues, would result in Death Valley, CA, having a higher temperature on its hottest days than has ever been re...

Wednesday, 08 November

19:21

'Super Polluted Rats' under large global cities forming armies to conquer the world! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Huge, over-populated global cities smothered in pollution are causing the growth of a strange, underground creature; Super Rats (No not Supermen)! Rats fed on our crap are beginning to grow to enormous sizes, have huge teeth and tails, and are fri...

16:29

Trump's New Tax Plan Will Give New Hope to Indigent Millionaires TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mar-A-Lago, FL Trump announced, in between Hole 14 and Hole 15 of his private golf course, that his new tax plan is going to help some of the Forgotten Americans, like millionaires and billionaires that are right on the edge. "Most of all, the new...

13:18

Mood of the United States is Jubilant As Trump Leaves the Continent TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington, DC According to recent polls, the country is at a very relaxed state-one that it hasn't been in since the last time Trump left the country. "Even though we of course are worried about what damage Trump might do by riling up our allies...

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