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Saturday, 18 November


New Zealand PM lauded for perfect Trump comeback The Poke

Donald Trump had this to say when he met the prime minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern.

And this is what happened next.

As opposed to oh yes, we remember.

This is how Ardern described her encounter.

I was waiting to walk out to be introduced at the east Asia summit gala dinner, where we all paraded and while we were waiting, Trump, in jest, patted the person next to him on the shoulder, pointed at me and said, This lady caused a lot of upset in her country, talking about the election.



Activist Spreads HPV Awareness, HPV The Hard Times

LANSING, Mich. Activist and Human Papillomavirus carrier Trent Morgan has spent the last four years raising awareness about HPV while simultaneously spreading it to multiple unsuspecting partners, pissed off sources confirmed.

We met on Plenty of Fish. I thought his bio was interesting, said Laura Bergman, who encountered Morgan in April. We got drinks, and one thing led to another but then, I woke up next to a pamphlet about Podofilox, and I saw he blocked me on Facebook.

Morgan, a 26-year-old whose LinkedIn lists his most recent accomplishment as graduating from the School of Hard Knocks, acknowledged that not everyone agrees with his extreme techniques.

Look, Im a doer, said Morgan. People have always taken issue with uncommon methods of activism. People lost their shit when Gandhi stopped eating and fuck, you know? Im on my feet all day handing out literature about a disease Im rampantly spreading by night. Some guys would leave without saying anything, but I let these women know two things: that I have a severe latex allergy, and they should get a Pap smear.

All of Morgans former sexual partners reported theyd been completely aware of HPV and its side effects before encountering him.


At first, I was really upset, but you cant say his methods are ineffective, said Jacqui Moore, another woman whod spent an evening with Morgan. A year ago, I just had a casual knowledge of the disease now, Im basically an expert. Im in, like, three group chats about it. Well, theyre mostly for keeping tabs on [Morgan], but HPV comes up a lot, too.

Despite over one dozen women in greater Michigan registering formal complaints about Morgan, he remained steadfast in his work.

14 million people are newly infected every year, said Morgan. In fact, 100% of the girls Ive slept with now report having HPV. That is so fucked.

When asked about his plans for the future, Morgan expressed willingness to expand his scope.

People ask, how can I keep doing this to people? I cant walk away until this problem is addressed, said Morgan. I dont want to just stop at HPV, though. If my last round of medicals is true, Ill be leading the charge for herpes awareness, too.

Take a trip over to our virtual merch table:



I May Disagree with Your Bawitdaba Da Bang Da Bang Diggy Diggy Diggy, but I Will Defend with My Life Your Right to Shake the Boogie Said up Jump the Boogie The Hard Times

Never in history has the First Amendment been at risk more than it is today. From a president who openly mocks the concept of a free press to campuses that wont let noted intellectuals like Ann Coulter speak, its now more important than ever to speak out for our American ideals.

America is slipping, my friends, but we can do something. Its about time we stand together and say, unequivocally: I may disagree with your bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy, but I will defend with my life your right to shake the boogie said up jump the boogie.

We may not get each other. Whether youre a freak, a topless dancer, or a crackhead: you deserve just as much respect as a crooked cop or a bastard at the IRS. Dont let anyone tell you to turn down your music. Good men and women for hundreds of years have died for your right to pack your car with speakers. And God knows I know just as many heroes wearing a badge and putting in the hours on the beat as I do down at the methadone clinic.

Why then, is there such a gulf between us?

Related: New Kid Rock Album Served Between Two Fried Chicken Patties


Step Papa Roach a Little Younger and Cooler


Over the past 20 years weve all picked a direction and walked away from each other. We can hardly stand the sight of the horrors that are ravaging small-town America. It doesnt even matter if your veins are punctured, if you show up dressed a certain way, theyll throw you right out of an Applebees.

Who you shake the boogie said up jump the boogie with is no one elses business. Just be kind to yourself. At the end of the day, when you shake the boogie said up jump the boogie, all I ask is that you get in the pit and try to love someone.


(Up Jump YOUR boogie with just buy our shirts ):

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Friday, 17 November


Gives a whole new meaning to Animal Hospital The Poke

Breaking news from the Metro newspaper, which reports that a man was taken to hospital after he got an eel stuck up his anus while he was drunk.

He refused to tell doctors how it got there.

Doctors said the Asian swamp eel had wriggled its way up the mans body and was causing a serious obstruction.

The eel a delicacy in coastal China was eventually removed from the mans body and he is now recovering in hospital.

The eel, removed at a hospital in eastern China, will be dining out on this story for weeks.


Mrs May safe and sound under house arrest by Zimbabwean Generals NewsBiscuit

Britains chaotic government needs order restored to it, which is why, now we have the Mugabe situation under control, we are taking over the British government. So said Major General Sibusiso Moyo after landing scores of Zimbabwean tanks in Dover in the early hours of yesterday morning, before heading to Whitehall, despite roadworks on the A2.

We have to save Mrs May from the criminals around her, continued Major General Moyo.  Especially the fat albino one and the oily squeaky one with glasses.  Many others in her government face legal proceedings or have fled, so regard this as a gentle offer of international aid, not a military coup.  Mrs May is safe and sound in No 10 Downing Street although we understand her husband Mr Philip Hammond may have fled to somewhere called The Isle of Wight.

In a joint broadcast with the A to ZBC Major General Sibusiso Moyo said to listeners in the UK and Africa:  It is my honour to save Britain from itself.  It is a land where sex greed and corruption have long run rampant, with a failing leader whose garish clothes and weak image in public tells the story of a dangerously vulnerable government about to enter into a catastrophic phase with its neighbours.  Meanwhile ordinary citizens are burned out of tower blocks and face unprecedented food shortages after migrant workers are being told they can no longer work on white-owned farms.



Doncaster council asks public to name its gritters and its todays best thing The Poke

Undeterred by all that Boaty McBoatface palaver, someone at Doncaster council thought it would be a good idea to do this. And youll be very glad they did.

Heres how the semi-finals went. Theres four of them, but, well, anyway.


This guy has read Michael Flatleys autobiography so you dont have to and heres the funniest bits The Poke

Enjoy this epic 45 tweet thread from @demarionunn who has done all this hard work of digesting Michael Flatleys terrible autobiography into digestible morsels just for you.














Bethesda Employee Dead After Attempting to Port Skyrim Onto Own Body The Hard Times

ROCKVILLE, Md. Bethesda Softworks employee Herbert Naples died today after attempting to transfer Skyrim, a popular fantasy video game, onto his body, according to sources close to the scene.

Naples heart stopped after surgically replacing it with the Cell microprocessor, a hardware component featured in the PlayStation 3 gaming console.  His colleagues called for an ambulance, but it was too late.

I just dont understand how this could have happened, said one employee, who wished to remain anonymous.  He seemed fine, delighted even, when his irises were projecting the towering stonescape of Markath onto our office wall.  We could hear the bustle of the marketplace emerging from the back of his throat, where we had installed the audio output.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

But he died doing what we all yearn for. Porting Skyrim to the final frontier: the human body. It was a noble sacrifice any of us would have made, said the employee to police.

The game did not run successfully in his body for long, however, and soon both Naples frame and heart rates had dropped to disastrous lows. He passed shortly after, leaving many Bethesda employees wondering if they shouldve approached the project differently.

Looking back, we probably should have consulted a doctor or something before we went for this, said Sylvia Brown, a developer at Bethesda.  Not every idea pans out but thats what game design is all about.  You experiment until you find what works, what resonates with the fans.

And sometimes you die. Thats the gaming...


Staff at London Underground have come up with a way to beat sadness try it and see if it works on you The Poke

We all feel pretty crappy in the morning, stumbling our way to work after a night fretting about losing our job and whether global warming will kill us all and whether that workmate remembers that thing we said five years ago which Oh just us then?

But if you are like us then London Underground has a way to cheer you up -as posted on Reddit by 7ddnmo give it a go and report back to us.

Beep? from funny

The sign reads:

How to cheer yourself up in two easy steps

1. Whisper beep beep to yourself.

2. Repeat until not sad.

Were intrigued if this works with other words so we wrote a quick randomiser to give it a go:

How to cheer yourself up in two easy steps (six random attempts)

1. Whisper Lancashire hot-pot to yourself. 2. Repeat until happy.
1. Whisper wheel rim to yourself. 2. Repeat until the sadness leaves.
1. Mouth bag of cement to yourself. 2. Repeat until not sad.
1. Mumble Wayne Hussey to yourself. 2. Repeat until the happiness starts.
1. Whisper tin of tuna to yourself. 2. Repeat until your spirits lift.
1. Say Terry Nutkins to yourself. 2. Repeat until the darkness fades.

Well were a bit happier anyway. Your mileage may vary.

Source: Reddit

The post Staff at London Underground have come up with a way to beat sadness try it and see if it works on you appeared first on The Poke.


New species of badger discovered with vital organs on the inside NewsBiscuit

Scientists have confirmed that a badger recently discovered in Somerset is a previously unknown species, being dubbed Meles meles, and only distantly related to the Meles Roadkillus variety often seen in Britain.

The specimen, captured by a local farmer, has some major differences to its better known relative. It has been observed walking around the laboratory where tests have been carried out, instead of just lying at the side of the road bleeding while being eaten by birds, and is also around a foot higher. More significantly though, it has most of its organs on the inside, rather than distributed over a 2-metre radius.

Evolutionary scientists have long been baffled by the more common variety, struggling to understand how a species had developed to survive while having vital organs spread over three lanes of motorway. So little was known about them that Bill Oddie, a keen badger enthusiast and famous beard-wearer, once spent a week in a specially constructed hide on the hard shoulder of the M25, in order to try to gain an insight into the feeding and breeding habits of this fascinating creature in its natural habitat. But the only one he saw never even moved.

The research team responsible for confirming the new species status is now hoping to cross-breed the specimen with its distant cousin.

Weve brought in one of the more common variety, on a shovel, and are hoping that the two will get on, said lead scientist Martin Burns. Were curious as to what a cross between them would turn out like, and are hoping that it would have at least two working legs, with lower liquification of the bones, and maybe be less smeary.

Were hoping that we can eventually get the numbers of the new breed up high enough to release them into the wild, near busy motorway junctions, as theyre a fair old size and should be almost as satisfying to run over as a fox.


Newsnight trolling the Sun over its BBC story is the best way to end the week The Poke

The BBC and many of its staff have already had their say over that Sun front page about literally several staff having a kip during their overnight shift on the BBC News channel.

Now BBC2s Newsnight has had a go.

Or, to put it another way.

In the unlikely event you didnt see it, heres yesterdays Sun front page.

Newsnight likes having a bit of fun every now and again. Remember this?

Oh, and this.



We urge you to remain calm. Article 50 has been revoked. Theresa May is safe and sound The Poke

Well, that was unexpected.

And it was retweeted by the man himself.

Remember when Huw lost the news?


What you should do vs what you actually do this chart about anxiety is 100% accurate The Poke

Instragrammer Mattsurelee also made a great chart about anxiety:

Tag someone who is bad at anxiety. (I tag me.)

A post shared by Matt Shirley (@mattsurelee) on Nov 15, 2017 at 3:30pm PST

And his graph about the things you love as your age is also extremely accurate (if youre a man)

I dont mean to alarm you, but there appears to be a direct correlation between Doing Absolutely Nothing and Crying for No Reason says elee0228.

Make sure you follow Matt over on Instagram.

Source: Reddit

The post...


Friends Of Tall Chick Sent To Make Inroads With Only Bloke In The Bar Taller Than Her The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A South Betoota man who is a fair nudge above-average-height has essentially just been told that hes a sure bet tonight, if hes keen. Despite having about as much personality as a broken Obike, the 29-year-old data analyst has been accosted by several friends of a tall chick. Hey where are you from? []

The post Friends Of Tall Chick Sent To Make Inroads With Only Bloke In The Bar Taller Than Her appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


CSIRO Releases Computer-Generated Image Of What Kurt Cobain Would Look Like Now The Betoota Advocate

STEVE KOLBY | Music | Contact Australias peaking scientific body, the CSIRO, has treated the world to yet another technological breakthrough this afternoon. Using a researchers MacBook Pro and Photoshop, the organisation says theyve been able accurately to predict what legendary musician Kurt Cobain if he were alive today. We spent all afternoon on it, said one public servant. []

The post CSIRO Releases Computer-Generated Image Of What Kurt Cobain Would Look Like Now appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Youre All Whipped! Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nobody wrote back to his 2 pm message asking if anybody was about for beers this afternoon, so Chris Masters took matters into his own hands. The 29-year-old bachelor clocked out from his Old City district bespoke, boutique public relations agency at around 3 pm and walked straight into []

The post Youre All Whipped! Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


$54 Million Inquiry Finds Juvie That Tear Gasses Pre-Teens Probably Shouldnt Be Open The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Royal Commission into the Protection and Detention of Children in the Northern Territory has today found that a government institution that tortures children with solitary confinement and chemical weaponry probably shouldnt be allowed to keep doing that. The $54 million government inquiry, which was prompted by ABCs Four Corners report on the systemic []

The post $54 Million Inquiry Finds Juvie That Tear Gasses Pre-Teens Probably Shouldnt Be Open appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Tongan World Cup Side Extend #RunItStraightChallenge To Chris Lilley The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After just coming off the biggest win in their rugby league history, Maa Tonga have today extended an invitation to one of their nations greatest enemies, prominent blackface comedian Chris Lilley. Following a thrilling 28-22 win over New Zealand, the momentum behind the proud Island nation has seen their status as a middling []

The post Tongan World Cup Side Extend #RunItStraightChallenge To Chris Lilley appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


School Of Hard Knocks Alma Mater Distance Themselves From Racist Former Old Boy The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an unravelling series of events, The School of Hard Knocks has been scrambling to distance themselves from graduate Barry Hodgson, in the wake of the 67-year olds inflammatory comments online. Between the hours of 10pm and 4am, Hodgson went on a Facebook rampage commenting on 412 total posts with such statements as []

The post School Of Hard Knocks Alma Mater Distance Themselves From Racist Former Old Boy appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Roy Moore campaign robocalling mothers for permission Stubhill News

Senate candidate Roy Moore looks to cover all his bases with robocall campaign.


David Pocock Begrudgingly Begins Googling Canberra Wedding Venues The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The likeliness of same-sex marriage being legalised before the new year has resulted in a collective sigh from the nations straight men who had successfully avoided going through the motions of an official wedding ceremony due to their political beliefs. However, with a 61.6% YES vote in the recent gay marriage postal survey, []

The post David Pocock Begrudgingly Begins Googling Canberra Wedding Venues appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Post Office queues now measured in eras NewsBiscuit

A survey published today confirms that the average time you will stand in the queue at the Post Office is 46 minutes and it doesnt matter how many people are in front of you.

Speaking on BBC Breakfast retail analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains: You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with as few as two people in front of you, but that doesnt matter because statistically, 94% of the time in fact, the person currently being served is in the process of returning 11 parcels to Next, after which they will then tax their car and apply for a passport.  And just when you think theyve finally finished you hear Oh, and I just better get a book of stamps too so adding another three minutes to your wait.

And if only that was the end of it, but of course its not, continues Penny.  Youre one away from the window and the person being served is withdrawing money from their savings account. B ut things grind to a halt, statistically this time on an average of 89.6% for all visits, as theyve forgotten the pin number for their card.  They then hunt through their handbag as they have it written on a little piece of paper, dear.  It takes five minutes to locate the scrunched-up scrap paper and a further two for them to find their glasses.  However by now theres a glitch in the system and the person behind the window has to reboot the till.  So all of these kinds of incidents repeated across the UK means a national average waiting time of 46 minutes.

However, Brian Millar, an OAP from Bolton told Charlie Stayt:  There can be a lot of grumbling in the queue, but I dont mind it generally.  Once in my local branch when collecting my pension, I had to wait for three hours as two women were buying stamps for their Christmas cards.  It didnt really bother me though as it meant that I had to buy one less stamp for my gas as I didnt need to put the central heating on that morning, see?



Gang Of Youths Frontman David Leaupepe Receives Late Call Up To Samoan World Cup Side The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Media at Darwin airport today is abuzz with an unexpected arrival, as the lead singer of Sydney-based Alt-Rock band Gang Of Youths was seen wearing full Toa Samoa squad clothing and Beats headphones. David Leaupepe was spotted alongside other members of the Samoan national side, confirming rumours that the rum-swilling rockstar has thrown []

The post Gang Of Youths Frontman David Leaupepe Receives Late Call Up To Samoan World Cup Side appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Shaun Marsh Posts Timely Reminder Of Compromising Pictures He Has Of Selectors

Western Australian Cricketer Shaun Marsh has used the last round of the Shefield Shield prior to the first Ashes test to remind Australian cricket selectors of the compromising pictures that he has of them.

What can we do, I mean we know he only averages 30 something in shield but those pictures could ruin us, said Australian selector Mark Waugh. Weve got to pick him.

At least when Shane Watson used to bribe us hed occasionally score some runs.

It is believed that when Shane Watson retired he passed down to Shaun Marsh the pictures he had of the Australian selectors.

Though the majority of Australian cricket fans are upset and angry at Marshs selection one man who stands by the batsman (whos not related to him) is West Australian coach Justin Langer who said: Shaun is a terrific cricketer and a great West Australian, therefore he should be picked to play for Australia. Despite his previous form and continued failing under pressure Shaun deserves another opportunity.

Now Shaun if youll please let my wife and kids go free as per the agreement.

The first test commences on November 23rd with the first ball to be bowled at 10:30 am and the first Sportsbet advertisement to be aired at 10 am.

Mark Williamson



If Elected To The Senate Judge Roy Moore Will Be A Stain On The Republican Party Daily Discord

Nonsense, he will fit right in with the rest of the rightwing skidmarks.


Meet the Croydon Wizard a man who dresses as Gandalf and gets onto public transport using a wand The Poke

This clipping reaches Poke HQ and excites us muchly theres a man been spotted in Croydon, dressed as a wizard who has a magic wand that gets him onto public transport:

Ok, the magic wand is a modified oyster card in a wand, but still!

And heres the lovely mans photo hooray!

And doesnt this lend itself to puns?

You shall not (bus) pass writes @Seanjonesqc.

One does not simply walk into Morden says @Anywhereelse.

And finally

Have a look on google for Croydon Wizard. Theres quite a few things about him online. notes @Alisonpalmer79.

Source: Twitter/@eliistender10

The post Meet the Croydon Wizard a man who dresses as Gandalf and gets onto public transport using a wand appeared first on The Poke.


This familys solution when their kid drew on the wall was funny and rather brilliant The Poke

Next time you have a child or lets face it, a fully grown adult draw on your wall, try this.

This is the problem.

And this is the solution.

In close-up.

Interrupted House. We see what they did there.

And someone took it very seriously indeed.



Trying to stay calm while your partner flirts with someone else The Poke

No animals were hurt in the making of this video.

Well, that escalated quickly.


The post Trying to stay calm while your partner flirts with someone else appeared first on The Poke.


This womans partner is asking her to file bug reports to get the TV to work The Poke

Over on Reddit theres a woman asking for relationship advice and it has just floored us you have to read this:

I [32F] am being forced by my husband [33 M] of 3 years to file bug reports??

My husband is an engineer, and weve been together for 3 years, and bought a house together last year. Hes always been a tinkerer and Ive been fine with it but lately it has gotten out of hand. It started with a smart lock. I dont know why I regular lock wasnt fine, we live in a safe neighbourhood, on the 7th floor in an apartment. I dont think Ive ever worried about a break in, but now I need to pull my phone out to unlock a door instead of my keys, and the app is buggy and crashing constantly. He keeps telling me how much better it is because we can remotely unlock our doors, but why would I ever need to do that? When the battery runs out I have to end up using a key anyway, so I dont get the point of this thing, but fine. I lived with it.

Next came the smart TV. It never worked. It was connected to some type of raspberry thing, constantly breaking down. Every time I would ask him for help he got frustrated with me, as if I had done something wrong? Ive since given up and just watch Netflix on my iPad (which he hates for some reason).

Next he installed smart lightbulbs in the house so we can set them using our phones. Except I have an iphone and he bought some brand that only works with Android and he has to spend hours manually configuring them all the time. I dont know why he didnt go with a brand that works with iphones but he said that he doesnt trust them. I told him as long as I can turn the lights off with the wall switch Im happy, but now those dont even work anymore. I am literally sitting at home in the dark, calling him so he can turn the lights on for me. He keeps telling me I should get an android so I can use the app but I dont want to lose my iphone.

Last week he told me that I cant call him anymore when Im having problems with the tech throughout the house, and I have to file a bug report on some git website. I told him I refuse to have to fill some online form just to get the lights working but he refuses to listen to me. I dont know what to do, Im at my wits end.

Ive tried reasoning with him, but hes convinced this is the better way. I dont know how much longer I can stay.

tl;dr: My husband has gone home-automation crazy and wont let me just turn the lights on with a switch. How do I get him to stop?




Osiris D3 Expands to Double the Size When Threatened The Hard Times

CARLSBAD, Calif. Osiris announced a new model of their classic D3 skate shoe, which will expand to double its original size when threatened, company sources confirmed.

Fat, puffy, and bulbous skate shoe populations have been on a steady decline since the late 90s, said Osiris spokesperson Deborah Larson during Mondays release event. We feel confident the D3s built-in self-defense system can keep quantities in a more stabilized number within the skate shoe market. Besides, when they puff up, they look twice as cool.

To ensure the safety of itself and its owner, the shoe automatically intakes air when confronted with a threat such as a large stair set, handrail, or a security guard that takes their job too seriously.

I was bombing this hill the other day, and right when I got some gnarly speed wobbles, POOF! These things ballooned up to size 42 airbags. Saved my life, said prototype tester and professional skateboarder Jeremy Roberts. They also scared away a dude who tried to mug me at the ATM.

Roberts was later surprised to find the shoes have a tendency to increase in size to lure in potential sexual partners for the wearer.


Later that night at a bar, I was talking to this girl, and all of a sudden, my shoes puffed up to an elaborate display of leather and rubber while letting out a quick burst of pheromones that had collected in the heel cup from my session earlier, said Roberts. It was no match for the guys wearing skinny, Vans slip-ons.

Hoping to get more D3s on the retail market, Osiris understands that the shoe does have its complications.

We are keenly aware that the D3 can contain a toxin deadly to humans if not skated properly, said Larson. We will work alongside foreign governments of nations where the D3 is considered a rare delicacy to ensure it is not unlawfully hunted for its delectable meat.

I mean foam, she allegedly added under her breath.

Quit whatever you had planned and go shop our store right now:


Were just helping Mugabe find his keys, says army NewsBiscuit

The Zimbabwe army has denied that it has carried out a coup and placed Robert Mugabe under house arrest.  No, no, no, that is not true, a general told state media.  President Mugabe cannot leave his house as he has lost his keys and wouldnt be able to get back in.  All the troops and tanks you see out on the street are just looking for his keys.

Until President Mugabe finds his keys and is able to leave his house the army will carry out some errands for him, such as getting in some milk, collecting his pension and running the country.  Reports that his wife has fled to a WI meeting in Namibia with the keys in her handbag have not yet been confirmed.  Nor have suggestions the keys slipped down the back of former vice-president Emmerson Mnangagwas sofa when President Mugabe went to round his place to sack him last week.

The streets of Zimbabwes capital Harare have remained relatively calm with most citizens seeming to accept that at 93 President Mugabe is quite likely to lose things such as his keys or 37 years of power.




Donald Trumps speeches are so incoherent they could have been written by predictive text The Poke

Heres @iamjohnoliver and his Last Week Tonight theory that Donald Trumps speeches are so nonsensical they could have been written by predictive text.

He might be onto something there.


Its so odd the way Donald Trump sips water from a bottle, people cant stop watching


The post Donald Trumps speeches are so incoherent they could have been written by predictive text appeared first on The Poke.


List of 100 Greatest Drummers Dominated By Cartoon Octopuses The Hard Times

CEDAR GROVE, N.J. Modern Drummer magazines yearly list of 100 Greatest Drummers is once again comprised of over 60 percent cartoon octopuses, upsetting a number of human percussionists around the globe, sources report.

Its so, so, SO unfair, lamented Stewart Copeland, formerly of the Police and placed at 47 on the list, a full six slots below the octopus featured in the Under the Sea segment of The Little Mermaid. How can a flesh-and-blood human compete with something drawn to hold eight sticks and animated at any speed, its tentacles a blur of percussion mastery?

Drummers around the world believe the animated characters get more recognition due to their mainstream appeal.

Ive developed countless techniques to keep up with the natural gifts of octopus drummers, and this amounts to nothing in the music community, said Cryptopsy drummer Flo Mounier. The people who vote for these things turn on a TV, see a cartoon octopus playing, and automatically assume it is superior to a human, without taking into account any timing of rhythm.

Despite the criticism, Modern Drummer management stood by the inclusion of sea-dwelling creatures.


Modern Drummer shines a light on the contemporary culture of percussion. It is our belief that that includes goofy fictional cephalopods, and it always has been, said publisher Isabel Spagnardi from her New Jersey home. What these people are forgetting is those octopi are playing underwater. Lets see Danny Seraphine take his kit to the shallow end of a pool and see how he holds up.

While some readers remain outraged, many in online forums defended the list.

Yeah, Bonhams great Moe Tucker, Keith Moon I have room for them all, loyal Modern Drummer subscriber Lydia Melman said. But Squiddly Diddlys ranked first for a reason. Nobody forgets when and where they were the first time they saw him bug out on some drums. I guess because its typically in front of the TV, Saturday morning, actually, but still.

At press time, none of the animated sea creatures on the list could be reached for comment, due to the complete lack of interest in the list from the animators and voice actors.



10 ways the BBC hit back at that Sun front page The Poke

So heres the Suns front page about the BBC today.

BBC workers have been accused of wasting licence payers money after several were photographed dozing at their desks.

The napping night-shifters were snapped by an angry colleague on the BBC News channel at Broadcasting House, London.

And heres how the BBC responded.







Im So Tired of Movies That Only Have One Token RoboCop Character The Hard Times

Regularly scheduled programming helps me take a few moments to ease the gas off of my brain and feel like Im part of something larger than myself. Television is the culture. Its supposed to be inclusive and progressive, a kind reflection of its audience. People like me are represented with all kinds of personalities, ambitions, and flaws on TV but every time I see a RoboCop on screen its the same egregiously offensive stereotype. The one dimensional RoboCop stock character needs to be put to rest.

The token Robocop character provides a service. If somebody in, say, Desolate Cultural Abyss, Wisconsin has never met a RoboCop before, casting one can open a closed mind or two. But every RoboCop on TV is the same: stiff and emotionally distant, no nonsense, and hard working. Like Standard RoboCop Operating System 8.1, these stereotypes are obsolete, and like Standard RoboCop Operating System 6.5, these stereotypes are dangerous.

Not all RoboCops know each other. In fact, being a RoboCop in the persecutory slog of America can be isolating and alienating. Contrary to what the movies will tell you, RoboCops are just as empathetic and sensitive as any of us. Just because a RoboCop cant cry doesnt mean he or she or THEY wouldnt LIKE to cry.

And lets get this out of the way: not all RoboCops are police officers. Thats a myth perpetuated by American ignorance. The festering bigotry of contemporary cinema and television always introduces a RoboCop character as being an officer of the law. Where are the RoboCop bakers? The RoboCop mailmen? My RoboCop son lays awake every night, crying, telling me he doesnt want to be a police officer. But flip on the television and what do you see? Another RoboCop making an arrest, driving a squad car, and twirling his gun!

We almost got a RoboCop produced, RoboCop written, RoboCop performed TV show in 2009, but slimy meddling executives got their hands on the show and butchered it beyond recognition. In September of that year, Modern Family premiered on ABC, and the last shred of what had been, a RoboCop butler, was cut from the show after negative audience reactions in the first season.

This is a call to action as a community to defeat the leviathan of contempt and push for more RoboCops on the big screen. Theyre people and deserve to have their voices to be heard. They matter and they are important and we cannot silence them as we would the common Irish.

Show your solidarity with Robocops with a Hard Times t-shirt:

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Thursday, 16 November


Russia strongly criticises Corbyns future acceptance speech NewsBiscuit

How can a man set to increase his majority in Islington North by 4242 votes including 789 proxies think we care about British so-called-free elections? said a Kremlin spokesman. Mr Corbyn should concentrate on what he does best; whistling the Internationale every time he poos, and reading the Daily Express in the cupboard under the stairs where he thinks no-one can see him.

The Kremlin also denied all knowledge of the surprise Belgian Christmas number one (a military march from St Petersburg), the winning ticket of the Sutton Grammar School Christmas Raffle (belongs to one V Putin), and the Great British Bake Off 2018 announcement (to be won by someone called Natasha who only speaks Russian, wears a wig and cites bare-chested horse riding as her hobby).

The draft speech, kept under Mr Corbyns bed in a red Huntley & Palmers biscuit tin, is thought to contain the phrase at least we won fair and square, not like Donald Trump.  Its ridiculous to suggest we mess with everything, said the spokesman, you Brits are quite capable of screwing things up yourselves.  Besides, Agent Leith works for the Americans since she swapped sides.


That Greggs sausage roll Advent calendar our favourite 13 responses The Poke

You may have seen by now the minor kerfuffle caused by Greggs after everyones favourite high street bakery chain swapped the baby Jesus for a sausage roll in its spoof Advent calendar this year.

What were they doing opening door number 19 anyway? Theyre a month early!

Heres 13 of our favourite responses online.







Injustice 2 DLC Finally Lets You Punch Zack Snyder The Hard Times

CHICAGO Netherrealm Studios announced director Zack Snyder as a new playable character for the hit DC Comics fighting game Injustice 2 to coincide with the release of Justice League, finally allowing fans to use their favorite superheroes to pummel the man responsible for the trainwreck that is the DC Extended Universe.

For $5.99, the DLC bundle includes Zack Snyder, who has no offensive moves and who alternates between whimpering, apologizing and saying I deserve this for making Batman brand people when hit.

The character has a variety of alternate skins like Director of Batman v Superman Snyder, Director of Sucker Punch Snyder and Joss Whedon.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Detractors, however, are upset about the inclusion, stating they wish the DLC packs included more traditional characters, instead of a blatant appeal to the current DC films.

I understand DC wants to take care of the movie fans by including their favorite cinematic villains, said Jason Kraushaar. But what about the old villains from the comics like Scott Lobdell, Brian Michael Bendis or latter-day Frank Miller?

DC has a rich history of creators I would like to repeatedly punch in the face and I wish the games tapped into that more, Kraushaar added as he slid returned hand-written death threats into the sleeves of various comic books he collected.

Snyders super move is reported to be a filter of darkness that covers the otherwise-colorful DC universe so nobody can really tell what the fuck is happening anymore. Other than that, Netherrealm Studios explained that Snyder although a playable character has no moveset; he can only be attacked by other characters.



Home Office to phase out full-facial passport photos for gimps NewsBiscuit

The Home Office is to waive the rule which insists on a full-facial photograph where the applicant is a leather-clad sex slave habitually used to peering through a mask. The proposed moves follows pressure from the Liberal Democrats who claim it is necessary to avoid problems encountered by people who are chained to a leash 24/7 and are only able to breathe through a narrow opening.

Currently everybody with a passport must identify themselves as either male or female on the document.  But the Home Office has begun a consultation on changing the system to allow a category for the small minority of people who are unable to tick either box because they are only allowed out of a dungeon for short intervals.

The new ruling will insist only that the photos be in colour, against a plain background, and that the leather outfit and face-mask are the most recently worn. The leash must be fully visible at all times. Gimps and associated sex dwarves should also be facing forward, staring directly at camera through the narrow eye slots and must not be urinated on while the photograph is taken.

Although the lack of a golden shower may enrage some enthusiasts, it is thought essential to avoid problems such as lens flare.  Lib Dem Home Office Minister Lynne Featherstone said This new approach to passport processing uses cutting-edge biometric iris recognition technology so we cannot overstate the need for gimps to keep their eyes wide open and face the camera no matter how much pain and degradation they are currently experiencing.

Youll still need to get Section 10 countersigned by your gimp-master or dominatrix who must confirm that you are fully resident within the UK and are in a consensual sub-dom relationship with them.

We hope these new guidelines will dispense with the requirement for gimps to remove their restrictive head gear when passing through immigration controls. Last night Nigel Farndon, a full-time gimp from Solihull, gave a guarded welcome to the ruling. Having to remove the leather mask at customs checks was an infringement of my fundamental human rights which I found extremely humiliating.  It was sheer ecstasy.


Mums Week Away Now Very Evident After Dad Serves Shepherds Pie For 4th Dinner In A Row The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It is not lost on the teachers at South Betoota primary that the Andersen kids have been constantly yawning throughout the school day, after four 9:30pm sheperds pie dinners in a row. The current dysfunctionality of their household has become so obvious that the school principal has gone as far as calling their []

The post Mums Week Away Now Very Evident After Dad Serves Shepherds Pie For 4th Dinner In A Row appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Newsbiscuits Guide to Zimbabwe NewsBiscuit

  • Zimbabwe derives its name from an attempt to cheat at Scrabble by Cecil Rhodes.
  • Zimbabwe recently won the international irony championship after placing the president under house arrest, then getting a man wearing military fatigues to announce that this wasnt a coup.
  • If you flip Zimbabwe around on the map, it looks a bit like Anglesey, which is appropriate because it cuts down an area of farmland the size of Wales every week. Probably.
  • The odds against Rhodesia being discovered by someone who just happened to be called Rhodes are nearly three million to one.
  • Robert Mugabe can sing all the songs from Legally Blonde the Musical
  • Poaching is a problem, most Zimbabweans opt to scramble.
  • There are 147 official languages including: zcouse, Manq, Broomi and Kokni
  • In literary circles Mr. Mugabes toothbrush moustache is called foreshadowing
  • Pamela Stevenson is delighted as she can now revive her Not the Nine Oclock News impersonations of Angela Rippon talking about Robert Moo-ga-bay and Joshua Enn-Kohmo.
  • When Zimbabwean men want to complement their girlfriends on their appearance, they say Darling, you look a trillion dollars
  • Mr. Mugabe tried to sort out the economy by making inflation illegal (fakenews).
  • Subsequently he tried to end corruption and (in particular) bribery, by rendering his countrys currency completely valueless. This has not been noticeably successful.
  • The national musical instrument, the mbira, is also known as the thumb piano. Oh grow up
  • Zimbabwe is even lower than Scotland in the FIFA World Rankings
  • Victoria Falls is actually a (yet to be repaired) plumbing disaster
  • Zimbabwes major exports are bad news and empty shell cases
  • Zimbabwe set to become Chinas 24th Province Zimbabwai

(hattips DavidH, Oxbridge, Sinnick, Smart Alex, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Titus & Dick Everyman)



Strict Greens Recycling Policy Sees Discarded 90s Politician Turned Into Senator The Shovel

Andrew Bartlett

The Greens have chosen to re-use an old senator they found washed up in Canberra, rather than waste resources on a brand new Senator.

The impressive commitment to the partys Reduce, Reuse, Recycle policy was announced by party leader Richard Di Natale months ago and put into action this week.

Usually old politicians end up in landfill, but we prefer to make do with the throwaways others discard.

Mr Di Natale said the senator was a little bit coarser and rougher around the edges now but would do for the moment.

Although that moment might be up sooner than thought the recycled senator may soon need to be thrown out again.


This Southern Rail life hack changes everything The Poke

Patrick Dalton has discovered an amazing life hack that works on Southern Rail trains:

Those terrible journeys will just fly by now.

Source: Twitter/@shitlondon

The post This Southern Rail life hack changes everything appeared first on The Poke.


When dad cleans your Girls World doll with white spirit and the face comes off The Poke

Looking like bizarre take on those no make-up selfies on Instagram comes these two photos:

The lack of brows are super creeping me out right now. says @Rammi.

Who knew Girls Worlds faces were so weird?

Source: Twitter/@TashP351

The post When dad cleans your Girls World doll with white spirit and the face comes off appeared first on The Poke.


83% Rise In Stan Subscriptions After New Ad Featuring Aussie Favourite Don Cheadle The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian TV and movie streaming service STAN have seen an over 80% rise in their subscriptions after featuring famous American actor Don Cheadle is several of their new ads. The actor, who made waves in Australia in his role as the principal on Mean Girls, also as the American cop in that Irish []

The post 83% Rise In Stan Subscriptions After New Ad Featuring Aussie Favourite Don Cheadle appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Famed Spanish Restorer Called In To Fix $450 Million Salvator Mundi The Shovel

salvator muni

Selling for a world-record $450 million at auction last night, Leonardo Da Vincis Salvator Mundi still needed some work, according to experts.

World-renowned Spanish restorer Ceclia Gimenez famous for her work on Ecco Homo was called in for the job, cleaning up some deficiencies in Leonardos original work and bringing a sharper, clearer focus to the painting.

Art historian Joseph McMillon said Leonardos true intent in this painting had now been brought to life. Salvator Mundi can now rightfully stand beside Leonardos other works such as the Mona Lisa, Virgin of the Rocks and Lady with an Ermine.

Mrs Gimenez said that she was pleased with the result and is now heading to Vatican City to correct parts of the Michelangelos ceiling of Sistine Chapel.


By Richard Evans


Gaming Community Concede Pixelated Strippers In Duke Nukem Are Hard To Top The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After two decades of rapid developments in CGI, one local gamer has realised that not much gets his blood pumping the same way the heavily pixelated strippers in the 1996 PC game Duke Nukem 3D did. A recent report by the ACMA has found that the entire Australian gaming community has never been []

The post Gaming Community Concede Pixelated Strippers In Duke Nukem Are Hard To Top appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Big Boys Carb-Heavy Lunch Not Doing Wonders For Productivity The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Barrelling down Adelaide Street in the heart of Betootas Financial District, a top-heavy auditor meandered down the footpath back to the office like mighty Ord River flows into the Timor Sea. Graham Washbrook has a sweat on. Hes just been down the road at the local Chinese, were he threw caution to the wind []

The post Big Boys Carb-Heavy Lunch Not Doing Wonders For Productivity appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Australia Exhales As News Cycle Returns To Hollywood Sex Crimes And Citizenship Drama The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a brief hiatus spent reporting about yesterdays same-sex marriage survey results, the Australia media cycle has returned to relaying news of Hollywood stars acting inappropriately and politicians who forgot to renounce their dual-citizen status before running for office. As the same-sex marriage debate hit fever pitch yesterday morning, the nations new publishers []

The post Australia Exhales As News Cycle Returns To Hollywood Sex Crimes And Citizenship Drama appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Man Now At Point In Relationship Where Hes Allowed To Buy His Own Clothes The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a word, Peter Granger is chuffed. For a number of years now, the 31-year-old hasnt been trusted to select and purchase his own clothes because according to his partner, hes got the taste of a tongueless drunk. But this morning, Granger confidently strode into the South Betoota Rivers []

The post Man Now At Point In Relationship Where Hes Allowed To Buy His Own Clothes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Bloke From The ABS Pretty Happy With How Well He Handled His Fifteen Minutes The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian Bureau of Statistics head statistician, David Kalisch is reportedly still pretty chuffed after unwittingly delivering one of the most important messages for civil rights in recent years, while unveiling the results of the 2017 same-sex marriage postal vote. Did I look good up there? he asked his wife while relaxing in the bathtub last []

The post Bloke From The ABS Pretty Happy With How Well He Handled His Fifteen Minutes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Nelsons Column converted into flats NewsBiscuit

Nelsons Column has been converted into 30 affordable dwellings, with generous views and near-standing room for all but the average in height.  The iconic structure has stood for over 200 years; held together by pigeon shit and a rabid dislike of the French.

The 169 ft building has been infamously under-developed, with most of be structure wasted on supporting just one resident.  But thanks to some vertical boring and the worlds narrowest lift, 30 families will be able to stoop in luxury inside the generous 57 high executive apartments.

Parking is limited and ablutions are of the do it in the fountains at night variety.  The vertical tubular housing solution also has other innovative features.  If you live at the top, obviously everyone else will have to go out first to make room for your descent explained the architect. But what do you bloody expect for 800 grand?

Simon Travis is hopeful the new development will mean that at 63, he can finally move out of his parents home.  Its time to leave the nest and settle down with my girlfriend. Shes really excited. Its been very cramped sharing a Victorian postbox with both my parents and three siblings. But this will be the very definition of high-rise living.



Conservative Migrant Says Gay People Should Go Back To Where They Came From The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Western Sydney man says the gay population need to go back to wherever they came from, presumably San Francisco or Bangkok after being disheartened by same-sex marriage postal vote results yesterday. John, a father and grandfather of Australian-born citizens, says this is isnt the kind of Australia he used to know. []

The post Conservative Migrant Says Gay People Should Go Back To Where They Came From appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.


Its so odd the way Donald Trump sips water from a bottle, people cant stop watching The Poke

So-called president stops during speech to take a sip of water wouldnt ordinarily be news, right?

Except for two things. One, he once mocked a Republican rival for having to stop mid-speech to have a drink.

Two, just look at the way he does it. Seriously.

Heres what people made of it online.


Abbott: Islam Contradicts Australian Values On Gay Marriage

Abbott Poster

Member for Warringah, Tony Abbott has sent a stinging rebuke to Islam at a press conference held today, in the wake of the results of the postal survey on same-sex marriage.

Australia is a country of tolerance and acceptance, Mr Abbott said, and despite the best efforts of campaigners like myself, it has expressed its support for the homosexual agenda.

As such, a religion like Islam, which values homophobia, has no place in a country that so overwhelmingly rejected the campaigning of people like myself.

The current backbencher touted how religions like Islam were stuck in the past.

Sure, if you look into Australias deep history, say a couple of days ago, people back then were less progressive on gay marriage. But Australia has evolved and I can say that as a fact, because I fought so hard to prevent it from happening.

Religions like Christianity reflect Australian values. Religious representatives like Dr Paul Collins, Pastor Simon Holt, and Father Rod Bower are often unafraid to criticise the many homophobic positions I have argued in the media.

Modern Australia is a pro-gay Australia, and as such, Australia must reject the corrupting and homophobic influence of Islam as surely as they rej...


One suspect, three cops, one front door. What can go wrong? The Poke






Caroline Flack tweeted this and a Chuckle Brother had the perfect response The Poke

Not often we feature Caroline Flack on The Poke but Paul Chuckles response to this tweet left us no option.

We should add it may not be entirely office friendly, depending on your office.

So heres what the erstwhile talent show spin-off presenter tweeted.

Cue Chuckle.

Still got it, Paul.


Classic works of art improved by the Chuckle Brothers



Man banned from local gym after failing to urinate in shower NewsBiscuit

A Doncaster man has been banned from his local gym after it was found that he had been regularly having a post-workout shower without taking a piss at the same time.  The offence was spotted by the male changing room cleaner, who noted that the shower tray remained a pristine white colour after Peter Smith, 24, emerged at 630pm each evening, rather than having the more typical light yellow film around the edges.

Ive been under a lot of pressure recently, and in my rush to free up the shower for other users at a busy time of day, I forgot basic changing room etiquette, argued Smith in his defence.  With a bit more time, I would have undoubtedly turned towards the wall, lathered up some extra shower gel to hide the flow of urine, and enjoy the sensation of warm piss on leg, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Filthy b*stard, said a naked man in the male changing rooms today, as he walked from the showers back to his changing spot, towel round his neck, dripping absolutely everywhere.  Its people like that who ruin this place for everyone else.  Now, if you dont mind, Ive got to absent-mindedly tug at my penis whilst standing about three inches away from you, before doing that thing where I dry my undercarriage by putting one leg on the bench and then start that two-handed sawing motion from front to back with the towel.


Jeremy Hunt was owned by Ralf Little on mental health and its a joy from start to finish The Poke

Jeremy Hunt double dared Ralf Little to challenge him over the government track record on mental health care.

So the Royle Family actor did just that, taking down the so-called health secretary one glorious tweet at a time. It goes on a bit there are 44 of them but its worth every second of your time.

We think this might be our favourite bit, when he tells Hunt:

So in actual fact you are quoting a figure to state your position and measure your successes that NO ONE CAN CONFIRM. I dont blame you if no one kept a record of Oscar winners Id be telling everyone Ive got four.

Mr Little, its over to you.




Wednesday, 15 November


Man Spends $5,000 to Turn Up Whatever Anti-Aliasing Is The Hard Times

MADISON, Wis. Local gamer Matt Sameson has reportedly spent over $5,000 for the ability to turn up whatever anti-aliasing is. Sameson accomplished this by simply rebuilding his entire PC from scratch due to a fundamental misunderstanding regarding which pieces did the anti-aliasing, and what that meant, receipts show.

Anti-aliasing, which can now be turned up all the way on Samesons rig, hes pretty sure, has something to do with edges, or maybe the grittiness of textures after depth perception blur is turned on, or whatever. According to close sources, its definitely better than aliasing.

I have over 16GB of DDR3, or DDR4. Which is better, Sameson said to interviewers. Thats what did the trick. Now my strafing is so smooth without all that aliasing bullshit. The graphics are more pronounced?

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Anti-aliasing, which fights all aliasing, a serious, super specific problem that affects many things, is important to gaming, Sameson told Hard Drive.

As soon as I started building my new rig, I knew I had to go all the way, Sameson said. But my new solid state drive is much bigger than my old, liquid state one, and so aliasing stands no chance. Plus there was all that water in the old one. Listen, I bought the most expensive option and its definitely sick.

Early reports indicate that all of Samesons colors and pixels are much different and better now, in ways that are very known and understood by Sameson.

PC Master Race, Samson muttered under his breath as reporters left the scene.

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