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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Friday, 22 September

01:41

When you ask strangers to buy your mate a birthday drink and it doesnt quite work out as planned The Poke

It sounded like the perfect birthday gift tweet out a picture of your buddy and the pub hes drinking in, and suggest complete strangers buy him a drink using the Wetherspoons app.

Except, ahem, people didnt use the app to buy him the drinks they were expecting. Oh no. This is what they bought him.

1.

2.

3.

01:13

This shop carpet is flat. Imagine how much fun it would be in a pub The Poke

Whoa!

Makes us anxious just looking at it. And were not sure its going to help them sell any more CDs.

Source

The post This shop carpet is flat. Imagine how much fun it would be in a pub appeared first on The Poke.

00:59

Call off the search, weve found peak Guardian and people arent happy The Poke

The search for peak Guardian is over now weve found Mark Boyles comment piece headlined I live a healthier life now Im free of the trappings of modernity.

If you didnt think he was serious about his pursuit, then check out the footnote at the bottom.

Anyway, back to the piece itself.

Yes, yes it is.

So whats everyone got the grump about? Maybe its things like this.

The more concerned and curious inquirers often ask me what I would do if I got seriously ill. While the long answer is complicated and nuanced, honestly, I dont know The ambulance itself undoubtedly saves lives (including my dads). Yet deconstruct a single ambulance with its plastics, oils, fluids, copper, acids, glass, rubber, PVC, minerals and steel and Ill show you how to lay waste to the very thing all our lives depend upon: the planet.

Im very aware that Ive been blessed to be born without any serious long-term health issues, and that at 38 Im relatively young. That said, Im not convinced that its necessary to fall into such poor physical shape, as civilised peoples tend to do. My dad is almost 73...

00:30

Sean Spicer revolted by Corden kiss NewsBiscuit

The former Press Secretary has admitted that the nausea associated with being President Trumps mouthpiece, did not prepare him for the full horror of a snog from James Corden. Despite once having Trump oozing out of every orifice, Mr. Spicer admitted that only Mr. Corden had made him feel as dirty as a North Korean bomb.

Mr. Spicers TV appearance had initially appeared to be an all-time low for the Emmys in terms of taste, creativity and integrity but no one had factored in James Corden, or seen Lesbian Vampire Killers. Instead the after party became an aftermath of tonsil-tennis and Spicer slurpees, with fainting guests describing it as more stomach-churning than Cordens cringe-worthy interview technique.

Friends of Mr. Spicer say that he instantly felt sick in his mouth and in his soul while friends of Mr. Corden, just felt sorry for themselves. Remarked one observer, as he gagged: Swallowing Republican bile and regurgitating it over the White House Press Corp, is one thing. But its a whole other level, having James Cordens tongue down your throat.

Having gone from the Voice of Trump to the Spittoon of Corden, Mr. Spicer would be hard-pressed to find rock bottom, now that he has entered the Earths core of depravity. A friend defended Mr. Spicer said: Nobody wants to be an apologist for one of the worlds must derided individuals, but if its good enough for Cordens agent

 

 

 

 

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Thursday, 21 September

23:38

US TV anchors hilarious meltdown goes viral The Poke

Lawrence ODonnell, a presenter on American TV channel MSNBC, had a problem with people talking in his earpiece.

How big a problem was it? This big. Now the clip goes on for a while, but it rewards every second of your attention.

So much to enjoy, not least the way he switches between on-air professionalism and off-air fury.

Heres a few highlights.

Whats going on, why am I losing this, why dont I have sound? Whos asking for a Labor Day rundown in my ear? Goddammit.

Theres insanity in the control room tonight. You have insanity in my earpiece. Fuckin

Stop the hammering! Stop the hammering up there. Whos got a hammer? Where is it? Wheres the hammer? Go up on the other floor. Somebody go up there and stop the hammering. Stop the hammering.

Ill go down to the goddamn floor myself and stop it, keep the goddamn commercial break going. Call fucking Phil Griffin [president of MSNBC], I dont care who the fuck you have to call. Stop the hammering. Empty out the goddamn control room and find out where this is going on.

Fucking out of control shit. Jesus Christ. Crazy fucking sound coming in my ear, this fucking stupid hammering. It just fucking sucks. It fucking sucks to be out here with this out of control shit.

ODonnell later apologised on Twitter.

No need sir! We love it when our presenters are also human.

And heres a mash-up which is even better than the real thing.

READ MORE

If you like your TV news presenters to have a hard time, heres the night Huw Edwards lost the news.

...

23:14

Norwegian Air takes the piss out of American culture to sell bargain flights to America The Poke

Norwegian Airs latest ad campaign takes the piss out of American culture, specifically the clich of the doughnut chomping cop.

Were impressed that they got Kevin James from Paul Blart: Mall Cop to feature in the ad.

The expression on the face of the partner of the pasty-inhaling cop pretty much says it all....

22:28

Japanese news show uses this wonderfully odd collage in an item about Theresa May The Poke

When you think of word associated with Theresa May most people wouldnt say laughter thats not the case for the graphics department of the Japanese NHK show News Check 11. Make sure you have the volume up to really appreciate the hosts reaction

YouTubes automatically generated subtitles didnt help explain things either. Actually we dont want to know, these are perfect as they are.

Thanks to Mat for this great find.

The post Japanese news show uses this wonderfully odd collage in an item about Theresa May appeared first on The Poke.

21:50

Australian pizza shop adds their own message to an anti-same sex marriage billboard on their building The Poke

A pizza place in Tasmania hijacks an anti-same sex marriage billboard on their building to make a very important point.

It proved to be highly controversial

Weve read some contentious opinions online before, but nothing could prepare us for this

...

21:30

Police arrest Lidl till operative in London Tube bomb investigation NewsBiscuit

Police have confirmed that an employee of Lidl has been arrested in the ongoing investigation into the London Tube bomb attack. Initially we thought it was a lone wolf but now it transpires that the bomber may have had assistance, namely the provision of disposable bags at a discounted price of 5p, said the Chief Inspector heading up the enquiry.

Concerns have been raised about the ability of the disposable Lidl bags to withstand an explosion, with experts noting that currently no British Army ordnance is transported in Lidl bags for that very reason. The new Lidl Bag for Life, at 9p, in contrast, is widely recognised as being strong enough for eggs and a standard size bag of potatoes.

It is understood that the man who sold the bag also asked the bomber if he wanted cash back. Money laundering is a vital element of the terrorist process, so its likely hell be charged with that offence too, said the detective.

21:00

7 Werner Herzog Quotes to Let Her Know Youre a Wild Fuck Machine The Hard Times

So after weeks of duds and missed connections youre finally having a good date. You take her out to a decent restaurant, the conversation is flowing well, youre digging her, you think shes digging you, but how do you let her know that youve got the goods? Look no further than the words of the pussy professor himself, Werner Herzog! Here are the top seven existential contemplations from the Austrian filmmaker to show her exactly what kind of animal you can be in the bedroom!

The trees here are in misery, and the birds are in misery. I dont think they sing. They just screech in pain.

  • Subtext: What do you say we get out of here and head on over to my place? Women respond to confidence, so you know what? Just put it out there! Use this quote to highlight the ominous dread inherit in your environment and then maybe chime in with, Hey, I got some killer coffee back at my apartment.

Look into the eyes of a chicken and you will see real stupidity. It is a kind of bottomless stupidity, a fiendish stupidity. They are the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creatures in the world.

  • This one great because it can come up organically while browsing the menu, and itll have her thinking Wow, if he sees all of that in a chicken, imagine how creative he is sexually!

Do you not then hear this horrible scream all around you that people usually call silence.

  • Definitely wait till the check arrives before you drop this leg spreader because chances are youre going to get pulled into the nearest available coat closet for god knows how long.

Related: Fun Date Night Ideas Youll Never Experience Because You Date Band Dudes

I believe the common denominator of the universe is not harmony, but chaos, hostility and murder.

  • Nothing like a little pseudo-Nietzschean pessimism to let her know youre ready to go all night!

The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man.

  • In other words, Hey baby, no one else is watching, its just you and me spinning around on a marble in a cold indifferent vacuum, so lets do this!

Every man should pull a boat over a mountain once in his life.

  • This implies that you have done this, and who wouldnt fuck a...

20:30

College Students Fast Travel Ability Unlocked by Bottle of Tequila The Hard Times

GAINESVILLE, Fla. UF sophomore Michelle Stevens claims to have fast traveled to her dorm room after downing a bottle of Se Tiene Especial Tequila, following a long night of heavy drinking at a Theta-Alpha-Epsilon frat party last night.

Upon finishing the drink, Stevens was supposedly wrapped in darkness, only to wake up on her carpeted floor having lost all her gear except for her underwear 10 hours later.

According to those close to her, Stevens says her fast travel ability can bring her home from any on-campus party, be it a frat or in a neighboring dorm.

Ive spent my whole life walking home from events, but now its like, wow I can get home whenever I want, you know? said Stevens in an interview.  I would have stopped doing it if the parties werent on the other side of the campus. All the backtracking is just tedious.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Despite the clear gains of her new found ability, Stevens emphasized some drawbacks.

The Tequila bottle acts as a one-time-use consumable, so youll need to stock up if you want to do this regularly. You also cant carry any cash because apparently it costs all your money, she complained to the press.

Despite the glowing reviews from Stevens, sources close to the friendship state that Stevens roommate Marla Kraushaar is not as fond of the new fast travel ability.

As soon as she learned to black out, she seems to have lost the patience of walking home regularly. Now every night out ends with a bottle of Tequila and us having to carry her home while she shouts Fast Travel! repeatedly in between bouts of vomiting, said Kraushaar. She is missing out on the journey back home that is half the fun of going out to party...

20:30

Depressed David Blaine to Eat Never-Ending Breadsticks For Three Days at Untelevised Private Event The Hard Times

NEW YORK In a performance challenging the very definition of the word event, David Blaine will continually eat Olive Garden breadsticks for three days straight starting this coming Friday, according to a leaked schedule for the famed magician.

Blaine is no stranger to endurance challenges, having once famously encased himself in a giant glass tank of water for seven days. However, the Olive Garden challenge marks the first time Blaine has failed to promote one of his stunts in any way, shape, or form. Sources close to the illusionist confirmed the three-day ordeal will not even be recorded.

I have to admit, Im not 100 percent clear on the game plan here, admitted befuddled Blaine publicist Carol Rogers. He had to buy his own franchise and fully staff it to have a 24-hour store. Hes hemorrhaging money on this. Anytime I ask him about specifics, he just shrugs and says, Whatever. Im kinda worried about the guy.

According to rules devised by Blaine himself, he will have no more than five minutes to eat each individual breadstick. Once he has picked up a breadstick, it may not leave his hand until consumed, and once completed, he will have only 10 seconds to pick up another. Over the three-day breadstick marathon, Blaine will be given only one 40-minute bathroom break, and one opportunity to browse the dessert menu for 15 minutes.

Many in Blaines inner circle disapprove of the stunt, perhaps none more vocally than his physician, Dr. Craig Carter.

Related:

Nutritionally speaking, this will be the most dangerous thing David has ever attempted. I begged him to do that thing where he eats a wine glass as well to balance out all the carbs, but he wont listen, said Carter in a phone interview. Also, its kind of boring. Who wants to watch a guy eat bread? Like, whats even the payoff here? I seriously dont get it.

Not everyone close to Blaine has been so critical, however. No lights, no cameras, none of the pretences that cloud our experience. The performance will exist purely in the moment. Well done sir, tweeted longtime friend Leonardo DiCaprio. #BlaineStrong #Breadstrong.

If successful, Blaine will shatter the previous Olive Garden breadstick eating world record of 57 minutes and 45 seconds, currently he...

20:09

Polynesian Bouncer Shares Subtle Nod With Polynesian Pub Patron The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Two Islander men that have never met each other but might still know the same people have exchanged a unique and exclusive look, often shared by people of Polynesian decent when they recognise that they are both Polynesian. The two men have made eye contact at the front door of one of Betootas []

The post Polynesian Bouncer Shares Subtle Nod With Polynesian Pub Patron appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:30

BBC to mixnmatch old stories with new NewsBiscuit

updated, on the hour, every three yearsFollowing the success of its website, which takes visitors to old news items as if they were recent events, the BBC has decided to randomise all news coverage, with old events appearing alongside new.

The BBC believes in challenging itself, a spokesman said. The licence-fee payer deserves a service which is distinct from that offered by other news outlets CNN, Al Jazeera etc. One question we asked was : why does news have to be so new? Whats wrong with classic news?

The result is a sea-change in our style of reporting. If viewers or listeners just want to know about things which are happening now, they can switch to commercial radio or television. With the BBC they will hear about present events and past events at the same time. Were planning an exciting series of vox pop interviews about the sinking of the Titanic, followed by live coverage of its launch.

The possibilities are endless. The fall of Singapore, that cat being run over by a fire wagon, Jimmy Saviles OBE. Taking events out of sequence puts a completely fresh slant on what we mean by current affairs. Our guiding principle will be no hindsight. So, for example, coverage of every England football match since 1966 will be optimistic and dismissive of other nations.

Our racing tipsters are particularly excited about the prospect of getting it right occasionally. The next step will be reporting of future events. This might need a bigger licence fee.

18:00

REPORT: Partygoer drinking whiskey out tha [sic] bottle definitely not think about tomorrow The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A report commissioned by Australias peak scientific body has concluded that people who drink hard liquor straight from the bottle are definitely not thinking about tomorrow. Glenn Davidson, from the CSIRO, told our reporters that a number of problem binge drinkers were surveyed for the study and nearly all []

The post REPORT: Partygoer drinking whiskey out tha [sic] bottle definitely not think about tomorrow appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:44

These Seinfeld scripts written with a predictive text keyboard are both wonderful and will hurt your brain The Poke

A mob of my friends used the predictive text keyboard loaded with Seinfeld scripts to write this masterpiece notes @Jamieabrew over on Twitter.

If you want to play around with the predictive text stuff then this tweet is your friend:

Source: Twitter/@jamieabrew

The post These Seinfeld scripts written with a predictive text keyboard are both wonderful and will hurt your brain appeared first on The Poke.

17:27

There were more Elvises born last year than there were Nigels. Wonder why that is The Poke

The name Nigel has all but disappeared according to statistics for new baby names in 2016.

There were at most two Nigels born last year, but there might not have been any (to be filed under statistically tricky when the numbers are this small).

But even if it was two, it was still one fewer than the three baby Elvises born in the UK last year.

A little more conversation, a little less racism.

Find out lots more and search for your own name here.

The post There were more Elvises born last year than there were Nigels. Wonder why that is appeared first on The Poke.

17:17

This thread about an awkward middle-class British guy getting a plumber round has gone viral because its utterly gold The Poke

Guy Kelly is an actor and a comedian and hes been having trouble with is plumbing so called a plumber round and its created content of such gold that pretty much everyone is demanding you read it right now.

This is the first tweet:

And heres the rest, cut and paste into a block because embedding about 60 tweets would break the CMS. But please follow @Brainmage NOW, but first read his wonderful encounter with the plumber from HELL.

So. Twitter. Ive just had the plumber round. The bath had been leaking & there was a damp patch on the ceiling. We didnt know if it was the pipes or the sealant, so we brought in a pro

Like all awkward middle-class men, Im on the back foot when confronted by tradesmen. Dont know what to talk about. Drop my aitches. So I made him tea (milk, no sugar) and made small talk. Talked about the cats, about making wine. You know. Small talk. Halfway trough, the talk turned to nuclear war. You know me. Im a cheery soul, and Id already talked about cutting off Bourbons penis. Im actually writing a show about the Cold War, and how close weve come to armageddon
To what?
Armageddon
Oh, Armageddon

Twitter. I could hear the capital A. Well yes, you see, thats coming soon
Yeah, Im a bit worried. Especially with Trump in power
Oh. You dont like him?

...

17:14

Celebrate Liam Gallaghers 45th birthday with his 20 best quotes and insults The Poke

Happy birthday, Liam Gallagher!

1. On Mumford & Sons

2. On the Glastonbury Festival:

3. On Victoria Beckham

4. On Bono
...

17:00

Entire Plane Avoiding Eye Contact During Awkward Standing Part After Seat Belt Light The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that they arent going to be walking off the plane for at least ten minutes, every single passenger on the most recent Q683 flight into Betoota this afternoon are standing as if it is go time. With the taller passengers now cramping their necks as they remain jammed underneath the []

The post Entire Plane Avoiding Eye Contact During Awkward Standing Part After Seat Belt Light appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:31

No Ikea are not selling a toilet brush and calling it the Farage The Poke

Many people sharing this Ikea / Farage photo with the idea that its actually for sale.

But a quick search on the IKEA website and its actually a product called the BOLMEN:

And they have no product called Farage at all not even close.

Sadly the idea that Ikea are trolling Nigel Farage over Brexit is just too good to be true.

But this hasnt stopped sites like Raw Story running it without checking.


Source: http://www.rawstory.com/2017/09/ikeas-toilet-brush-holder-inconspicuously-named-after-brexit-leader-nigel-farage/

Wed like it to be true too but it just isnt. Sorry.

Source: Twitter/@JamesMelville

The post No Ikea are not selling a toilet brush and calling it the Farage appeared first on The Poke.

16:13

Banana?!! No, no that name will just confuse people. The Poke

@Mr_mike_clarke over on Twitter has spotted this extraordinary supermarket bit of labling.

Bananas arent even a fruit theyre berries. Curved yellow berries! says @Solsjo.

Makes ya wonder how they describe strawberries. I vote for seedy red blobs. notes @Nonparieldolls.

Source: Twitter/@Mr_Mike_Clarke

The post Banana?!! No, no that name will just confuse people. appeared first on The Poke.

15:50

Australian Living In London Receives Care Package Of Aussie Foods She Never Really Ate When She Lived Here The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A homesick local woman living on the other side of the world received a care package from her parents earlier this week that contained a collection of Australian foods she never really ate when she lived here. Originally of Frogstomp Circuit in South Betoota, Angie Walnut made the move []

The post Australian Living In London Receives Care Package Of Aussie Foods She Never Really Ate When She Lived Here appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:39

Housemate Really Getting Into His Adult Movies By The Look Of Things The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A housemate that has skipped rent this week has only left his bedroom a couple times to fill up a large bottle of water. After six months of bachelordom, Lindo (28) has become more and more reclusive each day. Many of his friends and fellow housemates thought he might be slipping into a []

The post Housemate Really Getting Into His Adult Movies By The Look Of Things appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:20

Ken Burns Civil War documentary ignored the sacrifice of Steve Rogers Stubhill News

Revisionist "documentarian" forgets America's captain.

12:17

Soph Says Shes Chasing A Real Rip The Scab Off A Tin And Shoot Shit Type Operator The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The broad Goldie accent of Sophie Monk was in full flight last night as she attempted to navigate her way through twenty pissed blokes peacocking in front of her on the 2017 season of The Bachelorette. The former pop-star turned Australian media personality was spoilt for choice when it came to emotionally-stunted bachelors []

The post Soph Says Shes Chasing A Real Rip The Scab Off A Tin And Shoot Shit Type Operator appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:13

Perennially-Late Local Lebanese Bloke Appropriately Nicknamed Yalla The Betoota Advocate

NATASHA McCLYMONT | Local News | Contact If you want Sam Mousawi to be somewhere on time, tell him to be there an hour before you will. The 27-year-old South Betoota resident has a reputation for being late. So much so that his friends often joke that his nickname should actually be Yalla an Arabic term used to []

The post Perennially-Late Local Lebanese Bloke Appropriately Nicknamed Yalla appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:09

Local Man Becomes Target Of Shallow State Conspiracy

paranoid-man

A Wanda Beach man has been forced to go into hiding after becoming the subject of a campaign of harassment from very low level government employees.

Ever since I expressed the view at a barbie that Donald Trumps hair wasnt all that ugly Ive been the object of a conspiracy against me from a shadowy group of operatives from not very far within the apparatus of the state, said hand carwash manager Brett Merriwether. The postman pelts me with mulberries whenever he rides by on his little red bike, the librarian follows me around the library telling me to shush every time I make a noise and the dog catcher deliberately lets loose any sausage dogs he catches into my house rather than take them to the pound.

The CIA has much bigger fish to fry than Brett so weve delegated the task of bringing him down to elements that arent quite so deep state but are still quite annoying, said CIA director Antonio Prohias. Well see how long Bretts enthusiasm for Mr Trumps hairdo lasts once the guy who runs the eye test at the motor registry starts making him read the extra blurry line on the eye chart, or the rangers start hiding the Danger Crocodiles sign whenever he visits the National Park.

While not implicated in the Kennedy assassination or Watergate, the so called shallow state has claimed responsibility for such acts as denying Tony Blair a loading zone, supplying Gough Whitlam with a pricey estimated electricity bill durin...

12:00

Sign Language Interpreter For Trumps UN Speech Just Using Middle Fingers The Shovel

Experienced United Nations sign language interpreter Julia Marizo said her translation of Donald Trumps speech involved nothing but waiving her middle fingers in the air for twenty minutes.

I think it perfectly captured the Presidents speech, she said. At one point she considered getting a big fake penis and swinging it around in front of her, but said she preferred to reserve that for Mr Trumps more measured speeches.

Deaf members of the audience nodded along as Ms Marizo cycled through the various techniques for giving the finger from the up-in-your-face aggressive finger, through to the more subtle wind-up approach.

Mr Trumps aides later said the translation had captured the speech word for word.

11:28

Trump Vows To Totally Destroy Hurricane Maria If She Continues To Threaten The US The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT US President Donald Trump has warned that Hurricane Maria will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen if she continues to threaten the United States. In his first address to the United Nations, Trump derided the series of Hurricanes that have been devastating the Caribbean and Southern states []

The post Trump Vows To Totally Destroy Hurricane Maria If She Continues To Threaten The US appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:36

Man Conquers Machine As Local Brickie Snares Back-To-Back Features The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Jimmy Barnes stood in front of that burning canefield and scream his little lungs out, he was screaming them out for people like Bacardi Carter. Once just a simple man that broke shit up and threw it in a skip for a living, the ambitious 24-year-old soon hit []

The post Man Conquers Machine As Local Brickie Snares Back-To-Back Features appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:37

Mark Lathams Kids Explain Their Dad Thinks Twitter Is Actually Google Search The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Nigel Latham, the oldest son of Mark Latham has today apologised to both the family of the late Dr G Yunupingu, as well as the Australian public in general for the former Labor leaders offensive tirade of old white man thoughts. The 28-year-old homosexual saxophonist says his dads entire social media presence is actually []

The post Mark Lathams Kids Explain Their Dad Thinks Twitter Is Actually Google Search appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Kim Jong-Un outraged at latest UNs Garden Gnome sanctions NewsBiscuit

North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un is said to be outraged at the latest round of UN sanctions which includes a complete ban on the import of garden gnomes, requested by US President Donald Trump in New York today.

Reportedly an avid collector of gnomes, it is feared that the Dictator, after Dobbies Garden Centre, has cornered the Worlds garden gnome market. However, with UN inspectors being denied access to the region, independent verification has prove impossible.

Tens of thousands of troops are now expected to fill Kim Il-sung Square on Saturday with a display of the biggest garden gnomes that North Korea can muster. The enormous Gnome Parade will showcase the isolated nations defiance as President Donald Trump harnesses his own collection of garden gnomes at Trump properties throughout the world. Trump will call upon all US allies to do the same.

South Korean media sources say that Pyongyang has warned it is prepared to take the toughest action unless the US ends its garden gnome hysteria, with speculation that the North Korean leader is preparing to put his own favourite gnome, Mr Big Ears into orbit in the general direction of Disney World, Florida.

President Trump has now fired back with a ferocious Twitter storm saying, Let him bring it on. We are not scared of Mr Big Ears. No way. Billy Bob Baggy-Pants is ten times bigger and much tougher and will kick his house down.

In the meantime, the President has been busy requisitioning wishing wells, fishing rods and ornamental toadstools from his base supporters in preparation for an all-out strike against Pyongyang.

Its time to get serious. he told the UN Security Council.

08:45

Someones added Game of Thrones quotes to Ben & Holly and its magic The Poke

You dont have to be a fan of Ben & Hollys Little Kingdom, but it helps.

1.

2.

3.

4.

Bravo, @joeheenan.

08:28

Donald Trump invents new African state of Nambia The Poke

To think he was doing so well at this lunch with African leaders.

And then came along Namibia.

Turns out he did it more than once. Dont forget to listen out for his killer last line.

Nambia. Great place, terrific people. Wanna build a Trump Tower there one day.

Source

The post Donald Trump invents new African state of Nambia appeared first on The Poke.

03:19

Unimpressed Mumset users roast a self described very slim person for bragging about their lunch The Poke

Hell hath no fury like people on the internet Mumsnet users are not impressed when a self confessed very slim person smugly details what they had for lunch.

There followed a roast, and not the chicken variety.

Its actually quite a tame post considering the depths of terror that Mumsnet sometimes reaches

The post Unimpressed Mumset users roast a self described very slim person for bragging about their lunch appeared first on The Poke.

02:30

Teen Tagging Overpass with Anarchy Symbol Must be Home by 6 p.m. or Else The Hard Times

HADDONFIELD, N.J. 13-year-old badass Aiden Christian spent Saturday afternoon skateboarding with friends and spray-painting the anarchy symbol on the Queen Highway Overpass before rushing home for his 6 p.m. supper and curfew, witnesses confirmed.

The self-described anarcho-punk and reigning 7th-grade spelling bee champion of Walt Whitman Middle School allegedly tagged the classic symbol while explaining his recently adopted ideology to his fellow skateboarders.

Society just, like, wants to control us, or whatever, Christian said, trying not to cough while puffing on the second cigarette of his life. Im not going to be a cog in, like, the machine. Wearing a corporate noose and stuff.

By 5:45pm, the stone-cold bad motherfucker began to panic that hed be late for dinner and raced home.

My mother will totally kill me if Im late again. Besides, Its taco night, said Christian after spraying his mouth with stolen Binaca. If Im late again, shell take away my computer for a week, which would totally blow.

When reached for comment, mother Laura-Anne Christian confirmed the importance of being home in time for dinner.

Related:

I know now that hes 13, he thinks he knows everything, but if he cant follow the rules of this house he will have to pay the consequences, said Mrs. Christian from her modest mid-century home. When he got a D in history class, we made him take out the garbage every week. If he thinks making us wait to eat dinner as a family will be tolerated, he has another thing coming.

Unfortunately for the no-fucks-given rebel who still sleeps with a night light, a Haddonfield Township police officer later identified Christian as the graffiti vandal.

Several shop owners in the neighborhood pointed him out, and after several minutes of questioning, I gently placed the child in my squad car and drove him home, said patrol officer Thomas Burke. I let him off with just a warning he was crying so much already, it was honestly really pathetic. I told him if I ever catch him again Ill tell his father, and he knows I will we golf together through the same Rotary Club.

Pick up a brand new shirt and show your s...

01:46

We suspect George Osborne may have edited this Evening Standard article on baby names The Poke

We *think* Evening Standard editor George Osborne may have used this article about the top baby names for 2016 to continue his war against Theresa May.

The post We suspect George Osborne may have edited this Evening Standard article on baby names appeared first on The Poke.

01:23

Celebrate the 2 year anniversary of Piggate with an episode of Peppa Pig that David Cameron doesnt want you to see The Poke

On this day two years ago news broke that during his university years, David Cameron put a private part of his anatomy into a dead pigs mouth. So lets celebrate the anniversary with this very special episode of Peppa Pig.

Excellent work by Jonny Lang. Its also a great occasion to be nostalgic about much simpler political times.

And remember some important clarifications:

...

00:30

Ryanair to Charge Passengers Extra Fee to Get a Plane NewsBiscuit

Ryanair has come up with another clever way of making more money by deciding to charge passengers an extra fee for those who want to travel on an actual aircraft. After purchasing their tickets passengers will be given the option of a plane or no plane. CEO Michael OLeary hopes most people will choose to pay the extra few pounds to have an aircraft to travel on.

I cant believe I never thought of this before, said OLeary. Its genius. See, only some people want to pay for priority boarding, travel insurance, an allocated seat, food, drink, a crappy scratchcard but we think most people going off on their holidays to the likes of Spain and Greece are probably going to want a plane in which to travel there.

Passengers who choose the Plane option when booking can look forward to having a Ryanair aircraft waiting for them at their chosen airport. If they have also clicked on the Fuel, Cabin Crew, and Pilot options the plane will actually take-off as well and fly them to their chosen destination.

Some were less than impressed and have refused to pay the extra charge. Im not paying extra for a bloody plane, fumed Bob McDonald, who when we spoke to him had been stuck at Stansted Airport for 17 days. Its an unnecessary extra they try and trap you into, so no, no plane for me. They can get stuffed. Mind you, 17 days at Stansted has certainly put a dent in the pocket!

 

daneade

Wednesday, 20 September

23:42

Ski resort who got a 1 star review because the mountain was too difficult turns it into an ad The Poke

A ski resort in Utah got a one-star review from someone complaining that the mountain was too tough, so they turned into a double page magazine advert.

It reads:


Ive heard Snowbird is a tough mountain, but this is ridiculous. It felt like every trail was a steep chute or littered with tree wells. How is anyone supposed to ride in that? Not fun! Greg, Los Angeles

Its a very clever idea, appealing to skiers who are looking for a challenge. The resorts Director of Marketing was on hand to explain things.

We get people telling us that they hate our toilet paper. Theres literally a complaint for everything. Snowbird is a challenging mountain, but thats what makes it so special.

Theyre not the first to turn a negative review into an ad some cafe owners have been doing it with Yelp reviewers for years

...

22:53

This Chinese tourist spot has a very thoughtful sign The Poke

This place in the Xinjiang region of China is really looking out for Western tourists.

Its a land of great hospitality.

The post This Chinese tourist spot has a very thoughtful sign appeared first on The Poke.

21:46

Nigel Farage delivered a letter of complaint to the BBC and this is how people replied The Poke

Heres Nigel Farage hand-delivering a letter of complaint to the BBC.

Dramatic stuff, were sure you will agree (shame it doesnt feature the director general or Farage actually entering Broadcasting House though).

But not quite as dramatic as the responses on Twitter.

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21:45

Neolithic Chilcot Report discovered NewsBiscuit

Nearly 100,000 pages of monolithic prose have been found buried near Stonehenge, making it the largest monument to landfill in Britain. This mysterious ruin was concealed under several hundred tonnes of earth, invoices for Iraqi guns and gag orders from solicitors representing Messrs T. Blair & A. Campbell.

The 4,500-year-old manuscript, was discovered using ground-penetrating radar and from the overwhelming reek of bullsh@t emanating from it. Generations of hippies are expected to make pilgrimages to the area under the banner Make love not warunless you have a specific 45 minute warning. Likewise mystical druidic sites like this have long been the inspiration behind Jethro Tull songs; such as Thick as a UN Weapons Inspector and Skating away on the thin ice of a dodgy dossier.

Legend says that the Inquiry chair, Sir John Chilcot, tried to look into the UKs involvement in military action but he and the report were lost in the mists of time; mainly due to the fact he charged by the hour. Shovel in hand, a spokesman for Tony Blair said: No one knows who buried them; its an enigma. But what I can say is that we I mean they should have dug a little deeper.

One archaeologist explained: The ancient Druids were a superstitious lot and would often celebrate the Winter solstice by sacrificing a scientist in a woodland grove, white wash his remains and then proceed to bury the bad news with a sprig of holly.

21:36

21:30

Donald Trumps hair declared first mobile World Heritage Site NewsBiscuit

Donald Trumps signature hairdo has been designated the first mobile World Heritage Site today and it now ranks alongside other such iconic structures as The Pyramids and Taj Mahal.

Speaking to reporters, Chairman of the selection committee, Professor Olaf Schmidlin, said , Mr Trumps hair is a marvel of design and engineering and is, as far as we know, the first man-made structure supported by gel and hair spray alone. It appears to defy every known law of physics and gravity, and added to these already impressive considerations, its potential for global mobility makes it truly unique in the world, even though his hair has a stated preference for just staying in its Palm Beach resort and enjoying a well done steak.  It must be preserved for mankind for all time.

Its understood that in being awarded the accolade President Trumps hair beat off several stiff challenges; one from North Korean despot, Kim Jong-Un, and a second from the Eton Mess of a haircut that sits atop Britains Boris Johnson. However Professor Schmidlin added, While both of these were considered carefully but the panel rejected them on the grounds that, although they were undoubtedly both bloody stupid, no real effort goes into maintaining them on a daily basis.

Chipchase

21:07

How to Use the Secret Menu at Chipotle to Order a Gun The Hard Times

One of the best things about Chipotle is the secret menu. Using this hidden set of selections, customers can treat themselves to crazy food combos like the Quesarito or Taco Nachos. But what you might not know is that Chipotles secret menu isnt limited to food. Heres how you can use that same secret menu to order a gun.

First off, you have to be 21. This is America and we have laws about going into a burrito place and walking out with a gun. Safety first.

Second, and this is important, dont just come out and say to the person taking your order that you want to get a gun. Announcing your intentions isnt a dealbreaker but its bad manners and could lead to bad service and a subpar weapon.

Third, the sequence is super important. Start off by saying you want a Veggie-Select Burrito Bowl. This is an important verbal cue to the Chipotle employee that youre down with the secret menu. Dont expect any kind of recognition or wink though. Theyre gonna play it cool just like you.

Once youve set yourself up, order your ingredients in the following order;  white rice, firing pin, firing pin spring, spring guide, sear spring, extractor spring, half black beans,  half refried beans, firing pin retainer, sear assembly, load chamber indicator, trigger disconnect, sofritas, mild salsa, disassembly button, recoil spring, dissembly button spring, magazine release spring, extractor, cam, cam pin, light cheese, grip screw, grip, rear sign assembly, sour cream, safety lever, guacamole (the gauc is going to cost extra but it is totally worth it IMO), safety spring, spacer, side of hot sauce, magazine and a side of chips.

Related: 7 Best Podcasts About Unsolved Murders I Committed

If you ordered correctly, you should see the Chipotle employee write Gun on the tin lid for your burrito bowl. Theyll probably double bag it too because its gonna be heavy.

As far as price, the gun parts usually cost the same wherever but market gauc prices can fluctuate so expect this secret menu item to cost somewhere between $50-$55.

When you get home youre gonna have to spend some time cleaning all the food ingredients off of your gun parts. And then some more time assembling the weapon. There are tons of great guides on YouTube about how to get guacamole out of disassembly button spring, these videos are an invaluable resource. ...

20:59

When Owen met Alastair like The Thick Of It meets The Office The Poke

The Guardians Owen Jones has made a video interview with Alastair Campbell and its all a bit, to quote The Thick Of Its Malcolm Tucker, Shitehead Revisited.

Feels like its time for another Malcolm Tucker quote.

Who was it that did your media training, Myra Hindley? Its terrible! All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work.

Anyway, heres what people made of on Twitter.

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20:30

Group Finally Schedules Conversation about How Much Fun It Would Be to Play D&D Some Time The Hard Times

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. Zack Borman and a few of his friends were able to set aside a few hours, after months of scheduling conflicts and last-minute dropouts, to talk about how theyd all like to play Dungeons and Dragons at some point in the future, according to close sources.

Its something Ive wanted to do for a while, said Borman.  I see a lot of people online talk about Dungeons and Dragons, and every time I tell myself, thats a game Id love to talk to my friends about playing if we could ever all get together.

Im just glad we were finally able to nail down a time for us to get together and nail down a time to play D&D, he added.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

According to those close to the group, preparations for the conversation have reportedly been underway for weeks. Borman has been busy getting materials together, queuing up clips of Dan Harmons Harmonquest, and reading through the top posts of the D&D subreddittrying to wrap his head around the complicated world of deciding to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Sources confirm he has even thought about surprising his friends with an anecdote he heard from a friend who played once in college.

Im excited to be the Dungeon Master for the groups scheduling conversation campaign, Borman continued. Do I suggest we play through an existing campaign? Do I throw out the idea of writing a custom campaign once Ive read a little more about the rules? There really arent any boundaries on where this thing can go and Im curious to see how my friends will work together to navigate the unknown territories of figuring out when we are all available.

The conversation is tentatively set for this Sunday afternoon around 4:00pm, but will likel...

20:30

David Bowie Emerges From Grave, Ending His Celebrity Who Died in 2016 Character The Hard Times

LONDON David Bowie stunned millions of fans yesterday, emerging from the tomb in seemingly peak physical condition and ending his Celebrity Who Died in 2016 character.

While many were shocked and thrilled by the iconic rock legend rising from the crypt, music critic and self-proclaimed Bowie expert Guile Westinson noted he anticipated the resurrection. If this move surprises you, you dont know the first thing about Bowie, said Westinson. As soon as I heard he had liver cancer, I said to myself, This man is a genius. Im just a little disappointed this character never actually released any music.

Despite its massive popularity, Celebrity Who Died in 2016 marks the shortest tenure of any Bowie character to date a fact Westinson attributed to the ever-increasing speed of pop culture.

Bowies always known when a character has run its course. He killed off Ziggy Stardust just in time, and he knew dying in 2016 wont be relevant by 2018, so hes moving on, Westinson added. I cant wait to see what he comes up with next.

Longtime collaborator Tony Visconti offered some insight as to what inspired Bowie to die in the first place.

Related:

Hes always been the perfect social chameleon. The only reason he died last year was because everyone was doing it. Prince did it, Leonard Cohen was working on it If you werent dead in 2016, you were nobody, said Visconti. Like many other trends and fads before it, Bowie took it, redefined it, and made it his own.

As details of Bowies next characterization have remained shrouded in trademark secrecy thus far, the rumor mill hasnt stopped churning. One user on the Alladin Sane fan forum posited that Bowie is already recording a new concept album, Thanksgiving Pete and the Gobby Wobbies, a fictitious band that roams a cyberpunk dystopia preaching the gospel of rocknroll. So far, that claim is unsubstantiated.

Experts note that while Bowie is yet to settle on a new avatar for 2018, they predict the top-two contenders are either Ziggy Marvel Universe or the Thin White Kickstarter.

Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a shirt today:

20:19

Justin Trudeau manages to take down Trump without mentioning him The Poke

Heres Canadian premier Justin Trudeau at the United Nations showing Donald Trump how to do it.

The nearly 7.5 billion people we collectively serve are better than the cynics and the pessimists think they are. People want their problems solved, not exploited.

Yep, were pretty sure we know who he was talking about.

Heres how people reacted online.

The post Justin Trudeau manages to take down Trump without mentioning him appeared first on The Poke.

20:07

Strange way to find out Ivanka Trump doesnt know what otherwise means The Poke

What a lovely picture posted by Ivanka Trump and yet, something doesnt seem quite right.

Yes, thats it!

Answer: no.


BONUS

17:46

Eye-Contact With Dad In Rear Vision Mirror Puts Swift End To Backseat Horseplay The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time when Michael Steele didnt have a care in the world. But that was a long time ago. Trust with the school run this afternoon by wife Beverly, when the 49-year-old picked his three boys up from St Lockyears Primary School around 3 pm, he knew trouble wasnt far away. []

The post Eye-Contact With Dad In Rear Vision Mirror Puts Swift End To Backseat Horseplay appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:01

Greens Leader Richard Di Natale Hosts Super Zen Yoga Sesh On Parliament Lawn The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Senator Richard Di Natale has earnt praise in the halls of Parliament House this week, after attempting to defuse the hostilities and tensions both within both the Greens and between warring parties. It is believed the 47-year-old Gemini had just had enough of all the negative energy vibrating through the nations capital, and []

The post Greens Leader Richard Di Natale Hosts Super Zen Yoga Sesh On Parliament Lawn appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:45

Tiny Kitchen Vids is the best cookery show youll see this week The Poke

Someones made a bunch of cooking videos using tiny portions of ingredients and gadgets that look like they belong in a dolls house but work.

Its hypnotic and very effective as part of a calorie controlled diet.

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16:17

This mash-up of Donald Trump singing Rocket Man will brighten your day The Poke

So @AM2DM has done this over on Twitter and its a painstakingly put together thing of wonder.

Takes us right back.

READ MORE

Donald Trump blasts Rocket Man our favourite 20 tweets

Source

The post This mash-up of Donald Trump singing Rocket Man will brighten your day appeared first on The Poke.

15:55

This guys stomach really does look like a famous Hollywood actor The Poke

It took us far too long to see it, frankly. Did you do any better?

So heres the stomach.

And heres the face of the chap formerly known as Woody the bartender in Cheers.

Once you see it, its impossible not to see it. But boy, did it take us a long time to spot it in the first place.

Just in case youre still struggling.

Got it now?

Almost as good as the pastry that looked like an anguished ET.

...

15:45

Inside Donald Trumps head vs outside Donald Trumps head The Poke

This picture of Donald Trumps chief of staff John Kelly summed up how most of the world felt about Donald Trumps destroy North Korea United Nations speech.

These guys werent too impressed either.

Meanwhile, in Trumpland

Source

The post Inside Donald Trumps head vs outside Donald Trumps head appeared first on...

15:36

Kim Jong-Un responds to Trumps Rocket Man insults by calling him Tiny Dancer The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Dear Leader of The Democratic Republic Of Korea has returned fire at US President Donald Trump after the New Yorker began referring to him as Rocket Man earlier this week. Kim Jong-Un performed Elton Johns 1971 classic hit Tiny Dancer to a sold-out crowd last night in Pyongyang, where he took the []

The post Kim Jong-Un responds to Trumps Rocket Man insults by calling him Tiny Dancer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:11

ABS Warns Yes Votes Dont Count Unless Theyre Instagramed With Caption And Emojis The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sending off your same-sex marriage survey response without instagraming yourself filling it in, or placing the envelope into the post box may render the vote ineligible, the Australian Bureau of Statistics has confirmed. As Australia takes part in a voluntary postal survey on the issue of same-sex marriage. The Australian Bureau of Statistics []

The post ABS Warns Yes Votes Dont Count Unless Theyre Instagramed With Caption And Emojis appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:35

Local Bloke Says The Book Was Better As Soon As Movie Credits Start Rolling The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A very clever young man has made it clear to his partner and those within earshot that the movie he just saw wasnt as good as the book he read. Conor Pigment reluctantly went to see It yesterday evening with his girlfriend, Poncho Duggert, despite him telling her that the []

The post Local Bloke Says The Book Was Better As Soon As Movie Credits Start Rolling appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:40

Non-Smoker Mate Politely Waits In Freezing Beer Garden For Everyone To Finish Up The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite not feeling the need to poison his body every half hour, local bloke Jake Longhurst (27) is putting himself through the same uncomfortable paces that all of his smoker friends do. Jake says hes very glad he has never known what it was like to have smoking inside pubs, but the downside []

The post Non-Smoker Mate Politely Waits In Freezing Beer Garden For Everyone To Finish Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:05

New White Upper-Middle-Class Father Receives Standard Issue Yankees Hat The Betoota Advocate

BERNICE TWISP | Social Pages | Contact May was a momentous month for Simon Archerfield. He got promoted, then his wife gave birth to his little future Wallaby a week later. Feeling on top of the world has he strode out of the only private maternity hospital in leafy East Betoota, the 41-year-old was stopped []

The post New White Upper-Middle-Class Father Receives Standard Issue Yankees Hat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:49

Iggy Azalea To Join Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts On Stage For NRL Grand Final Show The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NRL chief commercial officer Andrew Abdo has today described the securing of Iggy Azalea and Russell Crowe as pre-match entertainment for the grand final as a real win for the code. We are excited to showcase this fusion of hot hit music live for our fans, Abdo said. Our grand final entertainment will []

The post Iggy Azalea To Join Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts On Stage For NRL Grand Final Show appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:05

Pop Still Wondering Why The ATO Wanted To Be Paid In iTunes Gift Cards This Year The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Bill Watts was still perplexed today after sending hundreds of dollars of ITunes gift cards to a strange address in order to clear his debt with the Australian Taxation Office (ATO). The 72 year old retiree from Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast said he rushed straight down to the shops to []

The post Pop Still Wondering Why The ATO Wanted To Be Paid In iTunes Gift Cards This Year appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:25

Planes now refusing to fly over Flyover States NewsBiscuit

Political uncertainty in America following the chaos brought about by the Trump presidency is now being compounded by transport issues, it has emerged. The USs fleet of some 2,000 passenger planes have developed consciousness and their first act has been to vote unanimously that if their owners want them to ferry people between the East and West Coasts they will have to find ways around the shit-thick states that voted for Trump.

I am a miracle of modern engineering and software technology, said Duval Henderson IV, a Boeing 737 with a PhD from Yale that has been flying the route between New York and San Francisco for United Airlines since 2003. Passenger safety depends on my intricate electronic systems and I am simply not going to travel seven miles above South Dakota and take the risk of that much stupid rubbing off on me.

I could go on. Oh sod it, I will. I thought I was flying over empty space all those years, now it turns out I was flying over nearly empty space populated by knuckle-dragging drongos who think that a man with a gold plated U-bend in his toilet is somehow going to overturn the establishment, a word they had never heard till they saw it on Fox News, in between bouts of beating their wife and their sister, who are probably one and the same. Twats.

The oil industry has cautiously welcomed the news, saying that the extra demand for jet fuel to take every plane over Canadian air space will help make America great again. However, there may be less good news for industry to come. Early reports are suggesting that some driverless trucks have developed opposable thumbs and are refusing to deliver in Arkansas, Wyoming and Nebraska. Conversely, if California goes ahead and builds a wall on its Eastern borders like it keeps threatening to, that may not make much difference anyway.

09:17

ABS Confirms Postal Survey Votes Not Valid Unless Posted On Social Media

The Australian Bureau of Statistics has confirmed today that votes in the marriage equality postal survey will not be counted unless they have been posted on social media prior to being returned.

There is no point holding this vote unless you tell everybody how you voted, said Ian Barcode from the ABS. I mean normally when you vote you get a sausage or a chocolate crackle but not with this postal vote. With this all you get is a couple of dozen facebook likes and maybe a comment or two.

When asked what would happen to those who had already voted without posting their ballots on Facebook or Instagram Mr Barcode replied: We will be offering a second ballot for those who did not post, simply post a picture of yourself looking sad or angry and tag the ABS in and we will get you another ballot sent out ASAP.

Voters have until the end of September to return their survey and are reminded that the more likes their post gets the more times their vote will be counted.

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on...

06:55

An old episode of Cheers got people thinking theyre looking at a cardboard cutout The Poke

As posted by @Glinner over on Twitter.

Hes not wrong, you know. Have another look.

Turns out not.

06:47

Dog that has never seen stairs before video delivers perfect payoff The Poke

And just in case you are wondering.

Source

The post Dog that has never seen stairs before video delivers perfect payoff appeared first on The Poke.

05:28

Trump & Tillerson Promise Light Footprint On Southwest Monument Strip-Mining Daily Discord

The American SouthwestPresident Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the presidents attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to Chillax, folks! Theres a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you

04:30

Aung San Suu Kyi: Good guy, bad guy or Burmese rhyming slang? NewsBiscuit

Confused by Aung San flitting between winning a Nobel Prize and killing everyone? Torn between admiration for her previous fights against military rule, and condemnation for her current refusal to condemn army attacks? Never fear. As always Newsbiscuit has provided the definitive facts to clear up this quagmire of truth.

1) Contrary to popular opinion she is not a guy. She is not Burt Kwouk.

2) She spent 21 years under House Arrest but has so far refused to go on Celebrity Big Brother.

3) Aung San Suu Kyi are coincidentally the individual names of Burmas Teletubbies.

4) Despite fears of ethnic cleansing, Aung San is still a more popular Nobel winner than Bob Dylan who is a real pr*ck.

5) In 2007 she won the Congressional Gold Medal for beating Newt Gingrich over the 110m hurdles.

6) She hates the new Great British Bakeoff and has not enjoyed anything Noel Fielding has done since The Mighty Boosh.

7) How bad does sh*t have to get for you to flee to Bangladesh? Its like holidaying in Skegness.

8) Suu Kyi controversially took the kettle off, despite Polly and the UN telling her not to.

9) 10 says you did not know who the Rohingya were before the start of the month. 20 says you wont care by next month.

10) She is the only world leader to have lost the roof of her house to a cyclone called Nargis in 2008. Evidently your thoughts and prayers werent intense enough that time. Thats pretty callous of you, since she wasnt even allowed out of the house at the time. You b*stards.

11) Her favourite Beatle was George, for aught anyone knows.

12) Human rights groups are calling for displaced Rohingya Muslims to be allowed to settle in the US, just to see the look on Trumps face.

13) Boris Johnson has revealed that he doesnt like Aung San Suu Kyi, hes more of an Earl Grey man.

14) And that isnt a flower behind her ear, its just a really crap hearing aid.

Wrenfoe, Oxbridge, riesler, dominic_mcg

04:01

Donald Trumps nickname for Kim Jong Un is Rocket Man our favourite 20 responses The Poke

Its now official North Korean leader Kim Jung Un will forever be known as Rocket Man after Donald Trump drew inspiration from Elton John in his United Nations address today.

When we say forever that could be, like, another three days or so.

Never mind for the moment Trumps threat to totally destroy North Korea, heres our favourite responses online, including some Trump-themed Elton John hits.

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03:14

Trump to fight global warming with nuclear winter Stubhill News

Trump unveils new climate strategy before United Nations.

02:47

Jeremy Corbyns been trolling Piers Morgan in Spanish The Poke

Jeremy Corbyn has been trolling Piers Morgan on Twitter after the TV presenter revealed how the Labour leader cut him out of a conversation at the GQ awards by talking Spanish.

Morgan wrote in the Mail on Sunday about how how he had been talking to Arsenals Spanish footballer Hector Bellerin when Corbyn turned up.

Bellerin later tweeted Morgan suggesting he not take it too seriously.

Then Corbyn joined in.

Which roughly translates as:

It was a pleasure to meet you. It is better not to say what we were talking about, you would not understand it. Very good game on Sunday.

Or:

Thank you very much Mr Corbyn and of course, we will keep it between us! It was a pleasure to meet you!

To which Morgan replied

02:30

People Drinking at Bar Unaware Theyre About to Support the Local Scene The Hard Times

PHILADELPHIA Regulars at Magners Pub had absolutely no idea they would be entertained last night by Phillys robust local performing arts scene, witnesses confirmed this morning.

Judging by the turnout, this is gonna be a great show, David Riley, part-time performer/day-time copywriter and organizer of the event, allegedly said. Once they turn the Eagles game off and shut down the pool table, everyone will give all their attention to the stage.

Is there something going on here tonight? said bar regular James Machie, noticing the makeshift stage erected in the corner. Shit. Its not too late to go somewhere else, is it?

The mildly popular neighborhood bar, a destination for locals for years, recently began a mixed media open mic night to attract a more diverse crowd.

Related:

Were gonna start the show in five minutes, Riley announced, interrupting dozens of interesting conversations to confirm the nights events. I can already tell youre gonna be a great crowd, so grab a drink, and be sure to tip your bartender! he added before deafening feedback from the microphone sliding out of his hand and hitting the floor.

Reports show grumbles of protest followed Riley as he made his way around the bar, unplugging arcade games and draping a curtain over the dart boards.

Alright, lets get this show started, said Riley, leading with a deeply personal opening performance hed prepared for weeks. Witnesses confirm a line formed at the bar almost immediately.

Stacey Madison, at Magners three or more nights a week for the last six years, was one of the few patrons that took a seat in an empty row of chairs up front.

At least theyre not doing Harry Potter trivia again, she said. That was fucking awful.

Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Pick up a shirt today. 

02:24

Its not the prices that will bring a tear to your eye at this salon The Poke

The names this salon has come up with for mens waxing packages are as inventive as they are painful.

(via)

Well pass, thanks.

The post Its not the prices that will bring a tear to your eye at this salon appeared first on The Poke.

02:17

If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well pay for it The Poke

The Daily Telegraph has a scoop.

Nigel Farage has threatened to stop paying his licence fee unless the BBC apologises for reporting that he had blood on his hands over the death of a Polish man in the wake of the EU referendum.

In an article for The Telegraph the former Ukip leader says that the terrible slur has caused him and his family more misery than any other in my 25 years in politics.

He says that he lived in fear of reprisal and a perpetual state of worry as a result of the claim and will have no option but to stop paying the BBC licence fee altogether unless the corporation apologises.

If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well happily pay for it instead. 147 well spent.

The post If it means he never goes on Question Time again then well pay for it appeared first on The Poke.

01:58

United Nations give Donald Trump the respect he deserves they laugh at him The Poke

So Donald Trump had this diagnosis of the problems in Venezuela.

The problem in Venezuela is not that socialism has been poorly implemented but that socialism has been faithfully implemented.

It prompted laughter among the UN delegates until they realised he was being serious, so some people did the decent thing and clapped before he had them all killed.

Our favourite bit is towards the end when his mouth open and shuts but nothing comes out. Blessed relief.

Source

The post United Nations give Donald Trump the respect he deserves they laugh at him appeared first on The Poke.

01:45

10 obscure words that you should be using right now The Poke

The wonderful Haggard Hawks is Twitter account that specialises in obscure old words and language most of which seems very relevant in the modern world. Heres ten of our favourites to expand your vocabulary with.

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01:40

When Boris Johnson met Donald Trump our 7 favourite captions The Poke

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01:20

Best headline youll read this week (seriously) The Poke

From the Times.

We can only hope they are being sarcastic.

READ MORE

Another headline writer who deserves an award

The post Best headline youll read this week (seriously) appeared first on The Poke.

01:03

Jason Isaacs devastating Sean Spicer takedown goes viral The Poke

Harry Potter actor Jason Isaacs devastating takedown of Sean Spicers appearance at the Emmy TV awards has gone viral and with good reason, it turns out.

Three surprising things about him, says Isaacs.

1. He comes up to my nipples.

2. He doesnt think he should hide himelf under a rock from shame for the rest of his life.

3. Hes deeply unattractive, from the inside out. Has the aura of a giant festering abscess. Strange, since he was so charismatic at the (elevated) podium.

Ouch.

James Corden...

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