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Sunday, 20 May

23:30

Overbooked Get-Together Upgraded to Shindig The Hard Times

DENVER Local couple Keith and Laurie Hudson updated their party plans this past weekend when a simple get-together among friends quickly escalated into a full-blown shindig, according to several eyewitnesses.

At first it was just gonna be Laurie and I, plus Todd and Kimiko Peterson from down the street, said Mr. Hudson, throwing out a stack of paper plates. My wife wanted to just call it a hangout, but I worried that might be too casual. A get-together seemed to fit just right.

Those plans, however, didnt stay set for long, as the Hudsons and Petersons invited more friends which quickly pushed the guest list past 12, leaving the couple no choice but to call the party a veritable shindig.

Well, I certainly wasnt prepared for a shindig, said Mrs. Hudson, stacking a set of garden chairs. I mean, we can handle a luncheon maybe even a pot-luck, if Keith has time to make his famous bean dip. But the way folks kept showing up, we were on the verge of a full-blown mixer. We just dont have enough glasses for that.

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Luckily for the Hudsons, the gathering levelled out at an informal soire although a brief appearance by their upstairs neighbor, Dan The Maniac Santorini, threatened to push the party into what he calls a motherfucking rager.

Dan really goes psycho at parties any party that involves the Maniac is guaranteed to go from a bash to a blowout to a motherfucking rager in what seems like minutes, every goddamn time, said a visibly frustrated Mrs. Hudson. Were lucky he saw the bread bowl and just called us all a bunch of pussies and left before things got worse.

Weve only ever had one motherfucking rager, Mr. Hudson somberly added, staring at a dark yellow stain on the living room carpet. And Dan is no longer welcome in our home.

At press time, Mr. Hudson had reportedly invited co-worker Daryll Howard and his acoustic guitar over next weekend for what analysts expect to be a sweet little jam-sesh by the fire pit.

The post Overbooked Get-Together Upgraded to Shindig appeared first on The Hard Times.

22:15

Donald Trump makes schoolboy error welcoming Melania back to the White House The Poke

Heres Donald Trump welcoming his wife home after she spent time in hospital for a kidney condition.

Close but no cigar (that was another president).

He got it right second time round.

We note that he never spells Stormy wrong.

The post Donald Trump makes schoolboy error welcoming Melania back to the White House appeared first on The Poke.

21:00

Painting squares around potholes almost as good as filling them in say experts NewsBiscuit

Specialists at the Department of Transport have confirmed that painting a white square around a pothole is 80-90% as effective as actually filling the hole in.

Amateurs or motorists, as theyre also known are obsessed with filling the holes in said one department spokesman. As if that would solve the problem. You can see why we call them amateurs.

The most important part of any pothole remediation we dont use the word repair, obviously just think of the connotations the most important part is the measurement and recording. How are councils supposed to keep accurate records unless they take frequent measurements and then paint white squares around the holes?

Britain now leads the EU in pothole administration, with some talk of a National Pothole Database to facilitate record-sharing between local authorities.

One popular misconception is that Britain has too many potholes. In fact we dont have enough, the spokesman said. The problem will eventually be fully resolved when the pothole density reaches 100%. At this point the roads will be level again, albeit just a few inches lower.

19:48

Bloke Who Just Took Over Aux Cord Very Aware Entire Kick-On Depending On His Song Choice The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After finally getting his hands on the aux cord, local bender-rat Nicko is now acutely aware that his obscure choice in music could either make or break the vibe, as the kick-on pushes past sunrise. This comes after Nickos several attempts at interrupting the roaring conversations and amateur DJing to play this cool []

The post Bloke Who Just Took Over Aux Cord Very Aware Entire Kick-On Depending On His Song Choice appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

19:00

Tesco super-saver injunctions flood the market for poorer celebrities NewsBiscuit

minor celebs going wild in the aislesAfter the recent spate of super-injunctions served on the media by wealthy celebrities keen to conceal their indiscretions, their C-list colleagues have found themselves priced out of the market. With a reported cost of 100,000, only the richest miscreants and philanderers can afford them. But a number of supermarket chains including Tesco and Lidl have now introduced the cut-price super-saver injunction for celebrities who, while less well-off, are equally keen to prevent their misdemeanours becoming common knowledge.

Sainsburys meanwhile have upped the competition with their new promotion; Buy one super-injunction, get one free, while ASDAs super-injunction price guarantee promises their legal gags will not be beaten on price anywhere guaranteed!

Even cheaper than the supermarkets are a number of specialist new providers such as easyInjunctions and the web-only wefightanycause.com. Both companies admit that their super-saver injunction is probably not worth the paper its written on. But what else are our clients going to do? They cant afford a proper one, says Brian Stubbs from Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannous newest spin-off. We admit right from the get-go that we dont have any trained legal professionals on board, but we have spent the last two weeks scouring the internet for clues on how these things are served.

Stubbs continued, It may seem counter-intuitive, but it turns out most of those who come to us are actually trying to increase their profile. Once the online gossip machines start spreading rumours about the possible identities of those concerned, weve found these super-injunctions can do wonders for the previously irrelevant or long-forgotten Z-lister.

17:22

Royal Wedding Essentially Grand Final Weekend For Mum The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The past month of Royal Family-related news, starting with the birth of Prince Williams newest bub followed by three weeks of non-stop bridal dress speculation, culminating with last nights extravagant Royal wedding, has mum absolutely spent. After six hours glued to last nights commercial TV broadcast, mum somehow knew the name of []

The post Royal Wedding Essentially Grand Final Weekend For Mum appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:56

Harry And Meghan Agree To Split Housework 50/50 Between Their Servants The Shovel

harry and meghan

Saying it was time to move on from traditional gender roles, Prince Harry and his wife Meghan have asked their personal wait staff to do half of the housework each. 

In another sign of a less traditional royal union, the couple said they wanted to move with the times. A lots changed since my parents day, the Prince said, before quietly asking his butler to empty the dishwasher.

I think these days people do expect the husbands servants to contribute more. Im certainly not afraid to roll up my sleeves or ask my servants to roll up my sleeves and organise a 50/50 split of the housework amongst my and my wifes staff.

Its 2018 for goodness sake! Meghan said, while reminding her servant it was his turn to put the washing on. Its about not being constrained by gender stereotypes. Ill often get my maid to put the bins out, and equally, Harrys butler will regularly cook the dinner. Thats what a relationship should look like in 2018.

The two will also do an equal amount of paid work.

16:08

Sydney Trains Apologies For Truly Inexcusable Mistake After Train Leaves On Time The Shovel

Just days after a Japanese train driver apologised for his truly inexcusable mistake of leaving 25 seconds early, Sydney Trains has also apologised after unexpectedly getting a train to leave on time.

The train was scheduled to leave from Parramatta Station at 7:12am and left Parramatta Station at 7:12am, catching everyone by surprise.

There was no way anyone could have predicted this, and for that I apologise, embattled NSW Transport Minister Andrew Constance said.

People expect our trains to be running at least 10 minutes late, if theyre not cancelled, so this caught everyone, including us, by surprise. It ruined a lot of peoples day.

Mr Constance promised it would not happen again. Just think about the last time your train was late and you had 30 seconds to run across eight platforms and hundreds of other commuters to make a connection, only to have the doors slam in your face meaning you had to wait another 30 minutes for the next service. Thats what were all about, and were going to get back to that immediately.

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By Tristan White

15:23

Report: Young RPG Characters Arent Saving Enough Potions to Last Them Through Later Stages The Hard Times

NEW YORK A troubling report by researchers at the NYU Game Center has found that young RPG characters arent saving enough potions to last them through later stages, and that only 32% of characters have learned a healing spell by the time they reach level 35.

Characters in earlier stages of a game often assume they have plenty of time to accumulate potions and other healing items, but this doesnt account for the spike in difficulty that comes after reaching an RPGs open-world portion, said lead researcher Jason Nolan, noting that other responsibilities such as adding new, lower-level party members or switching classes mid-game can further deter a character from setting aside enough healing items necessary for stability throughout the endgame content.

Read More From Hard Drive: Breath of the Wild Player Finally Acquires Rare, Powerful Weapon to Look At and Never Use

Rates of random item drops have also decreased sharply in past 20 years, Nolan added. Compared to characters from previous console generations, characters in todays games are much less likely to receive a steady flow of healing items from random encounters. Many may have to resort to taking up two or three side quests per week just to make ends meet. When you also consider that the average length of an RPG in 2018 is estimated to be up to 90 hours, this problem is only going to get worse.

The report concluded by noting that while a lucky upper class of characters with large quantities of gold may be able to provide for themselves by purchasing 99 of every healing item before their games final boss, the unfortunate reality is that if most characters do not change their potion-saving habits, they may have to grind for up to 20 additional levels before being able to comfortably beat the game.

The post Report: Young RPG Characters Arent Saving Enough Potions to Last Them Through Later Stages appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:21

School Shooter Feeling Like A Real Doofus After Turning Up On Pupil Free Day The Betoota Advocate

An at-risk American teenager with access to automatic weapons has been left a little red-faced today, after rocking up to his high school on pupil free day. His poorly thought plan to achieve internet martyrdom has resulted in an anti-climax today, after forgetting that today was staff professional development day, meaning that all the students []

The post School Shooter Feeling Like A Real Doofus After Turning Up On Pupil Free Day appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:27

Prince Harrys Old Army Mate Goes A Bit Overboard During Speech With An Ibiza Story The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have married at St Georges Chapel in Windsor Castle overnight, in a ceremony watched by 600 guests and millions of people on TV worldwide the pair vowed to love, comfort, honour and protect each other. While the greater Royal Family now must learn to live alongside []

The post Prince Harrys Old Army Mate Goes A Bit Overboard During Speech With An Ibiza Story appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:02

Highlanders Join Cameroonian Athletes In Claiming Political Asylum After Loss To Waratahs The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Immigration Minister is reportedly at breaking point this Sunday morning after nearly all of the Dunedin-based Highlanders Rugby Union Team have claimed political asylum in the wake of their loss to the New South Wales Waratahs in Sydney overnight. Spanning 40 games and 722 days, the Highlanders were the []

The post Highlanders Join Cameroonian Athletes In Claiming Political Asylum After Loss To Waratahs appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:27

Local Mum-Of-Six Treats Herself To Breakfast Over The Sink The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Mother of six Jacinta Hunt (32) has gifted herself a taste of la dolce vita this morning by treating herself to a cup of tea and a slice of toast over the sink. At 7:15 am, Hunt was startled to discover she had awoken from her own volition and not to the sound []

The post Local Mum-Of-Six Treats Herself To Breakfast Over The Sink appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:07

Foxtel Exec Wonders Why Millennials Arent Paying For A Service They Can Just Steal The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact As pay-TV subscriptions continue to decline, Foxtel executive Greg Holmes (62) has been tasked with determining why people are no longer paying for something they can steal for free. Despite the Newscorp subsidiary making innovative strides such as switching back to satellite dishes and hiring Warnie to commentate, the network is unsure why []

The post Foxtel Exec Wonders Why Millennials Arent Paying For A Service They Can Just Steal appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

You Owe Us! Zebras Demand Crossing Over Crocodile Infested Waters NewsBiscuit

Every year, Zebras migrate to where the grass is literally greener, risking their lives in the process. Apart from encountering lions, and other big cats on land, their annual trek entails a treacherous swim through crocodile infested rivers.

Since the early 1950s, by contrast, Zebras have lent their name to a crossing that allows human beings to traverse the road safely.

The irony is not lost on alpha male, Zebra, Nigel, who is heading a campaign on behalf of his Brothers and Sisters. He is not a happy humbug to say the least.

About time you lot returned the compliment,he said, any chance of a f**king bridge?

However, it was put to Nigel that nature should be allowed to take its course so human beings tend not to interfere.

Bollocks, he replied, you didn`t take that approach when it came to gonorrhea, syphilis and herpes, did you?.

Nigel outstriped, (sic), any attempts to placate him. Shouting his demands in general, he went on to make a specific cry for Help from Paul McCartney. Pointing to Macca`s dislike of animals being eaten, and wealth at his disposal to fund a bridge being built, he also reminded the ex-Beatle that he is indebted on account of the iconic Abbey Road, album cover.

You owe us, claimed an emotional Nigel, And don`t give me that conservationist, ecosystem shit. What about f**king us? Crocodiles have already had a bloody good innings. Anywaylike cock roaches, rats and Scottish people, they are supposed to have the best chances of surviving a nuclear war as it is.

Editors Note

Regrettably, we have since received the tragic news that Nigel has passed away. He was not eaten by crocodiles, or lions even, but violently taken out by a land rover on a dirt track in the Savannah. The Gamekeeper, who was driving at the time, said that he did not see a Zebra crossing.

Macattack1964

06:31

Trumps Acknowledgement Of The Russia Probes One Year Anniversary Questioned Daily Discord

FBI HeadquartersIn honor of the Russia investigation turning one year old this week, Donald Trump sent the Special Counsel a birthday cake. The cake arrived at FBI headquarters Attention: Robert Mueller with a short handwritten note from the president. Fine, it was a tweet someone transcribed. The event confused the House Intelligence chairman, Devin Nunes, who

04:43

The Guardians caption to this picture of two royal wedding guests was A++ The Poke

This could tip people already irritated by certain aspects of today right over the edge.

Nicely done by the Guardian.

Source

The post The Guardians caption to this picture of two royal wedding guests was A++ appeared first on The Poke.

04:31

Billy Idol said this about the royal wedding and everyone made the same joke The Poke

Heres Billy Idol tweeting about the royal wedding today.

And heres the rest of the world telling him that he just missed the bleedin obvious. Staring him right in the face, seriously. How could he not have done it?

Theres another theory, of course, and thats the one that says hes just trolling us. Maybe these responses will help you make up your mind

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01:53

Woman Rescued After Getting Stuck In Revolving Door TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A woman on a shopping trip to the big city had to be rescued after she became stuck in a revolving door. Betty Smith was in New York for the very first time in her life, after living 74 years on a farm in Iowa. On a once-in-a-lifetime trip, the ol...

00:00

Scientists confirm Jacob Rees-Mogg result of botched time travel experiment NewsBiscuit

Westminster is still in shock today after time travellers from Victorian England came to reclaim one of their contemporaries who has been missing since an early experiment went drastically wrong and left him stranded in 2018.

Two top-hatted men with mutton-chop sideburns walked into the Commons chamber and asked the bespectacled Brexiteer to come quietly, as the mad scientist in the 1860s laboratory has further work to carry out on him. Mr Rees-Mogg was then gently escorted through a rip in the space-time continuum as MPs discussed the pros and cons of a possible customs union.

The man formerly known as Jacob Rees-Mogg is now known to have been an undertaker and smelling-salt merchant whose real name was Ebenezer Ormondsby. He was active in the Victorian temperance and anti-vice movements before being catapulted 150 years into the future in a carelessly conducted experiment.

The time-travelling visitors apologised for any inconvenience caused by Mr Rees-Moggs sojourn in the 21st century. To be honest, his views were a bit extreme even for us, said one. He was rather too keen on giving Johnny Foreigner a good hiding at every opportunity and sending five-year-old boys up chimneys. They deny there are any other fugitives from from previous centuries lurking in British politics today, although it was noted that Boris Johnson hid in the members toilets until they had left.

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Saturday, 19 May

23:30

Punk Car Shopper Doesnt Give a Fuck What J.D. Power & Associates Thinks The Hard Times

GLENDALE, Calif. Punk bassist and lifelong neer-do-well Sergio Vasquez made a startling revelation earlier today, admitting he truly doesnt give a fuck about J.D. Power and Associates customer satisfaction or safety recommendations, sources at Smithwood Ford confirmed.

You know what isnt punk? Comfort, safety, or executives in suits, said Vasquez, long-time bassist of ska-punk band Hammerhead Shart. I never wore a helmet or pads in my skating days, and Im not going to fall into a life of lame conformity now. I wear my scars and ever-worsening CTE like a badge of honor. So fuck that probably-racist J.D. White Power and his Wall Street cronies.

Smithwood Ford saleswoman Connie Breckhardt claimed she has never seen such reckless disregard for the global market research firm in her 16 years of selling cars.

I can think of literally no downside to at least considering the information in J.D. Power and Associates reports on the 1993 Ford Transit van he was looking at, said Breckhardt. But when I tried to explain this to Sergio, he literally plugged his ears and sang, Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac! over and over.

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Were a Ford dealership, so maybe he was trying to be insulting? I dont know. But that lyric has been stuck in my goddamn head ever since, lamented Breckhardt.

Vasquez, allegedly considering the van in preparation for Hammerhead Sharts upcoming 9-show tour of SoCal and Arizona, is well-known for his contrarianism, according to bandmate Chrissy Paul.

Its like hes allergic to advice, said Paul. On our last tour, I used Yelp to find a taco stand with good reviews, and Sergio threw a shitfit and demanded we buy dinner from the guy grilling hot dogs on a shopping cart down by the highway on-ramp.

Management at Smithwood Ford admitted privately that they profited quite well from Vasquezs complete disregard for the Kelley Blue Book value of the vehicle he traded in.

Photo by order_242.

The post Pu...

22:25

26 favourite responses to that amazing preacher at the royal wedding, Michael Curry The Poke

Prince Harry was great and Meghan Markle was amazing but, seriously, theres only one person anyones talking about after the royal wedding today.

This guy.

And here are our favourite 29 responses online to the amazing Bishop Michael Curry from Chicago.

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21:48

Unemployed London Man Marries Successful Hollywood Actress The Shovel

royal wedding

In a fairytale love story that has captured hearts across the world, a retired army officer from England has married a popular American actress in a glamorous ceremony watched by millions.

Jobless, and with few career prospects, the 33 year-old London man said he met the high-profile celebrity through an acquaintance and was swept off his feet.

In a story that reads more like a movie script, the unlikely couple hit it off, with the young man introduced to the actresss friends and family.

Its every boys dream, he said, adding that he will not have to worry about work ever again.

21:11

Hollywood B-Lister Arrested At Heathrow The Betoota Advocate

A random American TV actor from a show you watched for a couple seasons a few years back has been arrested by UK Immigration after a melee in Heathrow airport this afternoon. The actor, who you only know by his character name has been held indefinitely while atheist crowns police assess his visa status. It []

The post Hollywood B-Lister Arrested At Heathrow appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

21:00

Virulent outbreak of Sycophantois has nations broadcasters in its grip NewsBiscuit

It is being reported that A&E Departments across the country have been overrun this morning as thousands of national and local broadcast journalists have been stricken with the terrifying condition, Sycophantosis.

One typical example is St Judes Infirmary in Norwich, where services have become so chronically overloaded with up to 100 local television and radio reporters waiting to be assessed and treated, that every available trolley has been used and there are still not enough so patients are lying on the floor.

Dr Ngobi Ntanga said: This is a rare condition that surfaces from time to time and is brought on by excessive sucking up to members of the Royal Family particularly when there is a wedding taking place. Symptoms include endless repetition of preposterous facile uncorroborated drivel and a total loss of any objectivity.

One poor chap from North Norfolk Digital is currently in our ICU repeating Prince HarryWow! Amazing incredible stupendous and Meghan-is-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world Meghan-is-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world, over and over and over again. Im afraid there is very little hope for him and hes just the first of many. Its all so sad.

Its understood that the condition is immune to all known antibiotics and its predicted that the epidemic will continue until the tabloid press starts digging up sufficient dirt on Meghan to demonise her just as soon as the honeymoon is finished.

20:15

Simply 43 funny tweets about the royal wedding The Poke

Theres something going on in Windsor today and heres what people are saying about it online.

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20:06

Theres one woman people are talking about at the royal wedding and its not Meghan Markle The Poke

Theres only one woman people are talking about at the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

Thats right, its Victoria Beckham.

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Enjoy the wedding, Posh.

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19:00

New Total Paunch magazine a huge hit with men NewsBiscuit

for the man content not to have everythingThe magazine publishing industry has enjoyed a huge resurgence in sales following the launch of the latest health magazine for British men, Total Paunch.

The success has resulted in publishers Northern & Shell committing to higher print runs and wider distribution, especially in the Midlands and North East where figures have shown a substantial increase.

One avid reader, Phil Mevoid from Hull, said, I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I havent looked back. The features on low definition abs and ten steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager have literally changed my life and Ill be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.

There has however been criticism from some health professionals who have slammed the magazine for articles such as, Save Pounds: Turn your belly fat into a kids trampoline and 18 Power foods from your local chippy.

Jeremy Hunt MP, Secretary of State for Health said, Magazines like this only serve to increase mens unhealthy preoccupation with their body image. Many of the images of models are airbrushed within a millimetre of death to make them look even less attractive than they are. It really is sending out the wrong message. I manage my own lean look with a fitness regime which includes running away as fast as I can from important health issues and spectres from my past.

But Northern & Shell boss Richard Desmond, who attended the star-studded launch of Paunch along with guest columnist Eric Pickles, said, We thought it was time we stood up for men who have got the body shapes theyve dedicated all their lives to, Total Paunch has put a bit more glitz on our newsstand and is a great tie in with our gay title, Attitude as it addresses the bear market too.

Rumours that the publishing group are to launch a new DIY title Builders Crack are as yet unconfirmed.

18:06

After the latest US school shooting, the only statistic you need to read today The Poke

After 10 people were killed and another 10 wounded in a shooting at a Texas school, this newspaper front page would appear to say it all.

READ MORE

On a day of grim statistics, you might find this the most extraordinary

The post After the latest US school shooting, the only statistic you need to read today appeared first on The Poke.

16:58

Report: Fuck Up Grandson Comes Good The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being caught with marijuana at seventeen, and being caught binge drinking several times since then, Prince Harry has finally come good and settled down with a nice girl only after being sent to war. Queen Elizabeth II is reportedly very relieved that her youngest little ranger grandson has done so well []

The post Report: Fuck Up Grandson Comes Good appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:58

Man With Super Mario Ringtone Still Waiting for First Phone Call The Hard Times

TAMPA, Fla. Local sources report that Brian Turner, 26, is still eagerly awaiting his first phone call since changing his ringtone to the iconic 8-bit Super Mario Brothers theme.

Im not sure if he wants to hear the song, or if he thinks that people will think hes cool, said one source familiar with the situation. Like, youre at a Burger King, dude, nobodys going to go Oh shit is that the Mario theme? and suddenly be your best friend.

Turner hopes that the ringtone, which currently has over 14 million downloads on Android phones, will help show off his unique personality and retro geek sensibilities.

I also set my email notification to the coin noise! Turner excitedly explained to a passerby he did not appear to know. And if I ever get a text message, it would play the warp pipe noise. Here, lemme see your phone, I want to call my phone so you can hear it.

Read More From Hard Drive: Mans Gamertag Says Pretty Much All You Need to Know About Him

The passerby, who refused to be identified as eating at a Burger King, described the interaction as weird and not interesting, and inquired why he didnt just text his friends if it was that important to him.

Turners friends were unable to be reached for comment, as they were all busy having lunch together at an entirely different Burger King. Witnesses report that Turner sat alone at his booth for over 30 minutes, occasionally checking to make sure his phone was not in airplane mode.

Maybe Ill just set an alarm, Turner continued, to himself. Nothing weird with an alarm at 3:43 pm, right? Or Ill just text my mother to call me, thatll work!

Unfortunately, while his mother did call approximately sixteen seconds later, Turners plans were foiled as his phone was set to vibrate, as most phones usually are.

At press time, a clip of Austin Powers saying Yeah, baby! was indicating that Turners mother had left him a voicemail.

The post Man With Super Mario Ringtone Still Waiting for First Phone Call appeared first on The Hard Times.

12:04

Christian Hens Night Kicks Up A Notch As Kimberly Gets A Spare The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time when Peta Washbrook regretted walking into the Betoota Heights Hillsong Church but those days are long, long gone. The 19-year-old said she didnt know what she wanted from life before she found Jesus. Now she just wants to be happy. And that happiness now []

The post Christian Hens Night Kicks Up A Notch As Kimberly Gets A Spare appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:22

Man Who Let His Learners License Expire Says The People Running The Country Are Hopeless The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local youth Taylor McGregor (25) penned a venomous Facebook status today stating this government is bloody hopeless while he made his way home on foot, as his learners license to expired over a year ago. With aspirations to one day get his provisional license and make a run at []

The post Man Who Let His Learners License Expire Says The People Running The Country Are Hopeless appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:20

One Night Stands Dog Looks Up At Local Man With A Vacant Look Of Disgust The Betoota Advocate

CORBIN DANIELS | Crime | Contact With his ponytail flapping playfully in the warm desert breeze last night, a mildly unpopular accountant threw caution to the wind and followed his friends from one suburban pub to a famous inner Betoota nitespot. Admitting to our reporter this morning on the D45 bus from the French Quarter up []

The post One Night Stands Dog Looks Up At Local Man With A Vacant Look Of Disgust appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:10

Local Girl Sets Self Apart On Tinder By Outlining How Much She Loves To Laugh And Travel The Betoota Advocate

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT A local Betoota woman and citizen of the world has hit the Tinder jackpot this week after crafting a perfectly unique and alluring Tinder bio where she mentions how much she loves laughing and travel, in an attempt to set herself apart from all of the other women on the dating app. Hannah []

The post Local Girl Sets Self Apart On Tinder By Outlining How Much She Loves To Laugh And Travel appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:48

Dutton Allows Cameroonian Athletes To Stay After They All Land Jobs As Au Pairs In Ascot The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a shock turnaround, Minister Of Home Affairs Peter Dutton has signed off on the visas for up to a dozen of the West African countrys Commonwealth Games athletes who have not returned home, after it was made clear to him that they were all working as au pairs for friends of []

The post Dutton Allows Cameroonian Athletes To Stay After They All Land Jobs As Au Pairs In Ascot appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:00

Bartender Immediately Regrets Asking Farmer How Things Are Going The Betoota Advocate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT RSL bartender Merl Evers (45) had to stay late at work last night after asking local farmer Geoff Trainer (66) how things are going, a decision she immediately regretted after Trainer began giving a detailed and honest answer. Despite the fact Evers has become a much-loved staple of Betoota RSL, but []

The post Bartender Immediately Regrets Asking Farmer How Things Are Going appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:27

Over 20 High School Kids And Teachers Shot In Heartwarming Display Of American Freedoms The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The American township of Santa Fe has today been reminded of just how lucky they are to live in the greatest country in the world. During first period class at Santa Fe High School, there were reports of an active shooting. Students and faculty evacuated the building when a fire alarm was activated. []

The post Over 20 High School Kids And Teachers Shot In Heartwarming Display Of American Freedoms appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:55

Morrissey announces Smiths to reform for Harry and Meghans evening do NewsBiscuit

Reports have emerged that Prince Harry personally asked the members of The Smiths if they would consider reforming for a one-off gig at his wedding reception. Guitarist Jonny Marr, bassist Andy Rourke and drummer Mike Joyce were happy to reform under the proviso that their fees would go to charities of their choosing.

Frontman Morrissey talking too BBC 6 Musics Mark Radcliffe said: Harry knew Ive had my issues with his Nan and her empire, but all that was pre-Brexit. I know shes read my interviews and agrees with my views, were very much singing from the same hymn sheet, without actually singing the hymns. Im going to the party early to do the bingo, though I had to draw the line at the meat raffle.

The Smiths, who havent shared a stage since their split in 1987 will perform a number of their popular hits, including: This Charming Man, William it was really nothing, Heaven knows Im miserable now and Girlfriend in a coma. Also, covers of popular wedding reception staples: Jimmy Mack, Come on Eileen, Cha cha slide, Oops upside your head, and finishing with New York, New York.

Palace insiders have hinted the flower-swinging Mancunians turnaround in attitude towards the monarchy is due to his desire to receive a knighthood, for services to music, common sense and handsomeness. Morrissey explained, The gaffer knows if she offered me a trinket, Id be too polite to refuse. To reciprocate, I would name my next album, The Queen is Dead Good.

It is understood, however, Morrisseys request to wear the State Crown whilst performing was emphatically declined.

06:20

Nashville Man Blows a Gasket TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

28-year-old Justin Drake of Nashville, Tennessee, recently blew a gasket when his girlfriend, Cara Shiley, yet again expected him to foot the bill this time for her fancy coffee drink. I lost my shit," acknowledged Justin, It wasn't pretty....

05:00

NewsBiscuits Guide to avoiding the Royal Wedding NewsBiscuit

As Royal Wedding mania grips the nation NewsBiscuit realaises that its something that doesnt grab everyones attention, so we have produced this handy guide of activites you may wish to indulge in to enable you to avoid the blanket TV coverage or actually having to turn up at the service on the day.

1. Be homeless

2. Be deported by Theresa May

3. Disconnect your mains electricity supply

4. Refuse to come out of Wookey Hole

5. Be Prince Harrys biological Dad

6. Wash your hair

7. Lick door handles in Salisbury

8. Join Joe Hart and Jack Wilshere on the England scrapheap

9. Change your name to Reg E Syde

10. Be the great grandson of Kaiser Bill

11. Join a Tibetan Monastery

12. Take you car on a journey that involves having to negotiate around Hangar land Gyratory System

13. Audition for X Factor

14. Choose Heroin

15. Volunteer for the first manned mission for Mars

16. Tell John Bolton he looks like a gay walrus

17. Laugh at Kim Jong-uns security guards

18. Live you life in 2018 rather than in a feudal system from the Middle Ages

19. Be Meghans dad

20. Try and make sense of any speech Donald Trump has made since becoming President of America

21. Go a day early on a business trip to the US

22. Have a hip operation even if you dont need one

Wrenfoe, Sinnick, DavidH, Not Amused, Sydalg, Chipchase, Midfield Diamond, Oxbridge, Al Opecia

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Friday, 18 May

14:34

Man Nearly Struck By Lightning Whilst Having His Tea TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Early reports coming out of the Cambodian city of Battambang indicate that a storm of 'biblical proportions' has passed through the area, nearly killing one man who was having his tea. Moys Kenwood, 54, was enjoying his evening meal when a power c...

14:31

Japanese Commuters Riot As Train Leaves Early Again TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

There were troubled scenes in Japan this morning after a commuter train left a station early for the second time in six months. Last November, management on the Tsukuba Express line between Tokyo and the city of Tsukuba sincerely apologised when t...

06:54

Nashville Man Comes Up with Solid Life Plan TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

After decades of career confusion, soul-searching, and personal reflection, Nashville man Bart Biggs came up with a solid plan for his future, on which he's determined to follow through. Most people's trouble, explained Bart, is that they go th...

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Tuesday, 15 May

22:32

Mother of Two Wants to Recall Her Eggs TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Seattle, Wa - A mother of two was so disappointed with her children that she wanted to recall her eggs. They just didnt turn out the way I had hoped, she confided, after neither child called her for Mothers Day. All I got was a text from my...

Monday, 14 May

16:24

Man Knows Nothing About US Politics TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A writer on the satirical news website TheSpoof.com has revealed how he 'aches' to write a story on US politics, but is prevented from doing so by his complete lack of knowledge on the subject. Moys Kenwood, 54, says he knows who Donald Trump is,...

15:37

Bright Side Tired of Being Looked at All the Time TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In this age of visualization and positive thinking, the bright side of things has gotten more attention than ever and, in its own words, is getting a little tired of being looked at all the time. "Honestly, sometimes the constant focus on me get...

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