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Tuesday, 17 July

00:26

7 devastating Twitter comebacks that will make your day better The Poke

If only life always worked out like this. Someone called @Saltinmytea collected 4 of the most devastating comebacks on Twitter and then people joined in by sharing their own favourites.

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00:07

Monster Hunter: World Endgame Content Gated Behind Need to Work, Sleep The Hard Times

CHICAGO Players of the online video game Monster Hunter: World are reporting that the titles endgame content is locked behind a steep obstacle: the need for players to work and sleep.

Its bad enough that I have to spend all day farming money in some cubicle instance, but if I try to leave the instance to do something else I always aggro this high-level NPC that spits out some flavor text about my shift not being over yet. Then when I finish that, theres no way to fast travel back to my home base despite the fact Ive already visited that location a bunch of times, high-ranking player Max Oberhart said.

When I get done slogging across the overworld because the goddamn NPCs in this game dont know how to fucking drive, I still have a bunch of mandatory daily missions, like showering and masturbating, left before I can actually focus on the endgame, Oberhart explained to reporters. Even smaller ongoing missions like gathering ingredients, crafting foods, and eating multiple times a day really pad out the time you have to invest to get anywhere. And dont get me started about the mandatory sleep mission. Im wasting 8 hours of time that I could be spending doing something else.

I mean, what was Capcom thinking including all this?

Read More From Hard DriveMan Comes to Haunting Realization He is NPC

Some especially enterprising players are trying to speedrun to the endgame content by skipping the sleep and work missions, but veterans of the Monster Hunter series warn that the sleep deprivation and bank overdraft debuffs will make the endgame essentially unplayable.

Yeah, I tried to sequence break all the sleep stuff back in [Monster Hunter] 4 Ultimate, long-time fan of the series RathalosSlayr offered in the games general chat. I tried to cram all the sleep missions in on weekends so I could spend more time grinding on weeknights, but between the stack of vision debuffs and burning through so many energy drink consumables, it just wasnt a sustainable practice and I ended up throwing my whole flowchart out.

When reached for comment, Monster Hunter: World Director Yuya Tokuda said his hands were tied.

Im sympathetic to the players...

00:05

Wayne Rooney described by his new American football team is beyond parody The Poke

For American, er, soccer fans not familiar with Wayne Rooney his new American football team, DC United, introduced him in the clubs programme this weekend.

Although, having read it, were not sure its going to help very much.

And no, its not a spoof written by USA Soccer Guy. Just in case thats difficult to read, here it is again.

A versatile forward capable of playing striker and midfielder, Rooneys greatest asset is his powerful right leg he has scored more than 200 career goals with his right leg thanks to his strong striking ability matched only by his pinpoint accuracy.

The five time English champion also adds a touch of creativity on the pitch as his improvisation shows in both goalscoring and creating opportunities for teammates. As a change of pace to unleashing his heavy shot, Rooney has also been known to deceive goalkeepers by finessing shots across the goal line.

Rooney is also adept at playing long balls into space which affords his team mates the opportunity to apply heavy pressure in the final third. When playing around the box, Rooney has the tendency to cut inside and penetrate gaps to collapse defences.

Then with the defensive attention that the prolific goalscorer attracts, teammates are given the opportunity to make trailing runs for quick shots on net when Rooney lays off the ball.

No wonder the poor lad looks confused.

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00:00

Tempur tantrums in SW19 as Storm Serena sweeps through NewsBiscuit

There were extraordinary scenes today at the start of the Wimbledon Ladies Singles Final when an argument broke out between finalists Serena Williams and Angelique Kerber.

The disagreement started when Serena walked out onto Centre Court followed by four ball boys carrying a double divan bed which they placed adjacent to the Umpires chair after having first removed the standard competitors chair.

Kerber immediately raised an objection and there followed a heated discussion between both women and tournament officials. It seems that Serena, who currently appears in TV ads for, Tempur mattresses, wanted to have a one minute lie-down between games instead of the usual sit down, and argued, for contractual reasons and because she is a working and often tired Mom, she can only do this on a Tempur mattress.

However the casting vote was given to the Tournament Director who told Williams that she would forfeit the match if she continued to recline on the mattress, leaving the all-time-great no alternative but to have the bed removed.

In what then became a somewhat tense match Serena was defeated, but at the press conference afterwards told reporters: Im not happy about what happened today and I give Wimbledon organisers and tournament officials warning that I will not be taking their decision lying down.

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Monday, 16 July

23:45

Theres a schoolboy error in this NatWest advert but not everyone was having it The Poke

This NatWest advert isnt half as clever as it thinks, as pointed out by Tom Holland.

Hes got a point. Hasnt he? Not everyone was so sure. This is how the conversation went on Twitter.

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23:30

Frontman with Tinnitus Legitimately Cant Hear if Crowd is Ready to Rock The Hard Times

MADISON, Wis. Audience members watching n-metal band Dizguzt last night slowly realized that frontman Colin Greene genuinely couldnt hear their confirmation that they were ready to rock, sources with voices hoarse from yelling confirmed.

You know, at first, I felt guilty for not cheering loud enough. I personally came ready to rock, but I didnt feel comfortable speaking for everyone elses ability to rock or roll, for that matter, said audience member Katie Sullivan. Then, after, like, the fifth time of him telling us he cant hear us, I realized he actually couldnt hear us. People were getting desperate; the guy next to me started trying to tell him we were ready through sign language. Someone was doing smoke signals or they were just vaping. Im not sure.

Witnesses confirmed that ready-to-rock audience members used increasingly creative tactics to inform Greene the show could continue.

Everyone was pretty ready to rock after 10 minutes of him shouting out and dedicating random people, said fellow attendee Seth Sherman. Wed stretched, barricaded the windows, ran the necessary drills for overly enthusiastic drunk dudes in the pit but still, it seemed like the show was going nowhere. A couple of us used lipstick on a poster board to make a sign and let him know everyone was pro-rock.

Related:

Dizgust bass player Danny Brooks later explained that, unfortunately, Greenes hearing issues go further than audience reaction.

Oh, this is far from the only problem we have. Every show, he complains to the sound guy about a high-pitched ringing coming through his monitor, said Brooks. There was even a fire at our hotel one time, but he didnt hear the fire alarm, and I ended up having to drag him out of the room. I got some pretty bad burns on my feet and hands, and he still refuses to accept reality.

For his part, Greene insisted that his inability to communicate with the audience isnt entirely on him.

Trying to gauge the emotions of thousands of people at a time is very difficult, yelled Greene privately. For example, we ask how everyones doing tonight, and they just say, woo. That doesnt even remotely tell me how theyre doing ton...

23:00

Favourite 15 captions for Vladimir Putin and his big black brolly at the World Cup The Poke

There were plenty of memorable images from the World Cup but even after the last ball had been kicked there was another to come and were not talking about the French team holding the trophy.

It was Vladimir Putin and his big black brolly.

While everyone else got soaked during the presentation ceremony it was a case of Im alright, Vlad for the Russian president It generated no shortage of comment online and here are our favourite 14 captions.

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22:11

BBCs This Week joked that Nigel Farage isnt on TV enough the 17 most cutting replies The Poke

BBC current affairs show, This Week, has often been criticised for the frequent publicity opportunities it offers to the more right-wing members of the political Rent-A-Gob gang, particularly Nigel Farage. However, they recently thought it would be funny to tweet this:

Needless to say, the response was swift and strong.

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21:18

A Trump-loving TV presenter said this and the NSFW replies were exactly what he deserved The Poke

Heres American TV presenter Nicholas J. Fuentes, host of must-watch show America First, who unwisely shared his seriously outdated opinion on Twitter.

Surprisingly, perhaps, it was shared the thick end of 2,000 times on Twitter.

More reassuringly it prompted more than 10,000 replies, most of which were along the line of these, our 16 very favourites.

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21:00

Andy Murray turns down News Anchor offer to focus on tennis NewsBiscuit

The BBC has confirmed it has offered Andy Murray a lucrative contract to anchor its flagship nightly Ten OClock News programme.

The move follows Murrays acclaimed debut as Wimbledon pundit earlier this week, his performance requiring Sue Barker to be resuscitated from the giggles three times live on air.

BBC bigwigs moved fast after quickly identifying the three-times Grand Slam champs mix of self-deprecating dry humour combined with his trademark dour Scots delivery would be an ideal replacement for the overly-jovial Huw Edwards.

However, Murray has turned down the offer, feeling that he is slightly better at tennis.

The offer has incensed fellow pundit Tim Henman, who has had his eye on ousting Edwards for some time but has been overlooked by BBC bosses due to his tendency to slip into foul-mouthed abuse during live broadcasts.

During his fag-break at Wimbledon, Henman ranted Unbe-f**king-lievable! The big jock oaf couldnt even be arsed to wear a tie, classless pr*ck!.

fletcher

20:53

Elon Musk called a British diver a pedo and this guy was so owned its painful The Poke

Elon Musk has caused outrage after calling one of the British divers who helped rescue 12 kids from a Thailand cave a pedo.

The billionaire space litterer made the comments on Twitter after the diver, Vernon Unsworth, said in an interview that the mini-sub Musk sent to the cave was of no use and had absolutely no chance of working.

In response, Musk said sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it and when challenged about the comment replied Bet ya a signed dollar its true.

Musks accusation was presented without evidence or context and no evidence has emerged to substantiate his claim of pedophilia.

He has since deleted the tweets but some people online were still saying Musk had every right to say it.

Like this person, for instance, in an exchange with Emma Kennedy on Twitter that ends every bit as satisfyingly as youd hope.

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20:41

This conversation overheard on the Newport to London Megabus is hilariously surreal The Poke

When stand-up comedian Ignacio Lopez boarded the Megabus at Newport to head to London, he probably expected a straightforward journey, listening to a bit of music, tweaking his act, eating his sandwiches too early the usual stuff. What he got was a sideshow, provided by one group of passengers.

Luckily for us, he shared the whole thing.

They started with some pretty random statements.

They then turned their attention to the journey.

19:25

Piers Morgan interviewed Donald Trump and these 26 responses are as scathing as youd hope The Poke

Donald Trump only gave two interviews during his visit to the UK, one to the Sun and the other aboard Air Force One to Piers Morgan. Coincidentally, two of the outlets most likely to look favourably on him. The reactions have been every bit as scathing as youd expect.

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19:19

Favourite 14 times this Tommy Robinson supporter was owned after she pretended this happened The Poke

Heres someone called Rebbecca Robertson whos a big fan of Tommy Robinson (and Donald Trump) sharing a picture of a pro-Robinson protest march in London at the weekend.

And lots of attention it got too. Except, er, as these 14 people pointed out to the self-styled online political activist, something wasnt quite right

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19:00

Teen begs parents to stop using emojis NewsBiscuit

A teenager from London has pleaded with her parents to stop using emojis. 15 year-old Katy Smith has threatened legal action if she receives one more flying dolphin or monkey covering his eyes.  Actual grown-ups with jobs and mortgages should not be sending wink faces, balloons or slices of pizza, the daughter said, after explaining to her mother that emoticon selection was a demanding discipline.

When adults attempt to use emojis, she continued, the irony is not quite there, because the trying is so painfully evident. Their use of martini glasses, ghosts and avocados is a little too self-conscious, a little too pleased with itself. My father has lost the ability to attempt any nuance of tone using words.

Digital image experts have warned that adults use emojis too literally, and can spend up to 10 hours each day browsing for the most relevant icon. In one extreme case, a 42 year-old father went without food or sleep for 3 days before selecting a purple devil with horns. My parents are trying to adopt a language which is not their own, concluded Katy.  The effect can be quite chilling. It was fine when it used to be the occasional smiley face, but now it has escalated to a pile of poo with eyes.

 

jonessgl

18:40

Richard Bacons back and these are our 13 favourite things people are telling him right now The Poke

Richard Bacon was back talking today after six days in a medically induced coma for a mystery lung condition.

And here he is giving a tiny insight into whats been going on.

17:59

People have been putting cats in Jurassic Park instead of dinosaurs and it could be the greatest spin-off ever The Poke

Someone called @nvrmnd_nirvana was trying to research the Jurassic Park cast, but accidentally found something far better Jurassic Park stills, with cats.

And here they are.

As good as these are, they werent the only Jurassic Cats pictures out there.

17:46

Local Intellectual Says Hence The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local Real Estate Agent has put her intellectual prowess on full display today by using a relatively uncommon word in conversation. The Residential Leasing Agent at Ray Hooker in Betootas CBD dropped the word hence into the conversation while taking a couple through a house inspection. Alice Woodburn (32) was walking []

The post Local Intellectual Says Hence appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:41

New DIY Swing King To Ship With Sandpaper, Lip Balm And Vial Of Wasim Akrams Sweat The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In an attempt to make the next generation of Australian cricketers have a competitive edge, backyard favourite Swing King have announced plans to introduce a DIY Swing King to the market this spring. The Swing King Pack ships with a replica yellow sandpaper sheet, a stick of Watermelon Splash []

The post New DIY Swing King To Ship With Sandpaper, Lip Balm And Vial Of Wasim Akrams Sweat appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

17:11

Sajid Javid tweeted the word I and everyone tried to finish his sentence our favourite 19 suggestions The Poke

Home Secretary Sajid Javid had a bit of an Ed Balls moment on Sunday morning, when he tweeted the solitary word I. People decided to have a stab at finishing his sentence for him.

This is the tweet that started it.

And these are our 19 favourite reactions.

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15:57

This RAF veterans takedown of a Trump supporter is the most satisfying thing youll read this week The Poke

Theres a 95-year-old chap called Harry Leslie Smith on Twitter and this is why you shouldnt mess with him.

It started when he tweeted in support of people protesting at the visit of Donald Trump.

Then someone called @larryf replied. Larry is a big fan of #MAGA, the NRA, and thinks Liberals are trying to destroy the USA.

And this was Harrys perfect reply.

Boom!

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15:52

Latent Misogynists Eyes Set To Remain Glazed Over Until Its His Turn To Speak Again The Betoota Advocate

INGRID DOULTON | Relationships | Contact A prominent Betoota Grove fuck boy from a well-heeled fuck family has spoken this afternoon of his plan to keep his eyes glazed over until the next small lull in conversation affords him the opportunity to pick up where he was so rudely interrupted. Peter Debonaire, a 28-year-old Betootacone Valley fintech youngtrepreneur, found []

The post Latent Misogynists Eyes Set To Remain Glazed Over Until Its His Turn To Speak Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:05

Baby Boomers Prepared To Vote For Pauline If Slight Dip In House Prices Isnt Corrected Immediately The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Prominent post-war land bankers, Deborah and Peter Mcguire (both 67), have today declared that they protect their unsustainable nest egg by any means necessary. This comes after the news that only half the properties that went to auction in Sydney and Melbourne on the weekend found buyers, as the hysterical Australian property market []

The post Baby Boomers Prepared To Vote For Pauline If Slight Dip In House Prices Isnt Corrected Immediately appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:29

Optus Tentatively Puts Hat In Ring To Stream The 2019 Rugby World Cup The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Think of it as putting the training wheels back on, he told shareholders. Like were training for the next Football World Cup. By the time the next one rolls around, in like four years or so, we should be ready to go. Ralph Leyman, Director of Broadcasting and Content []

The post Optus Tentatively Puts Hat In Ring To Stream The 2019 Rugby World Cup appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:20

Billy Slater Wins FIFA World Cups Golden Ball Despite Not Playing A Single Game The Betoota Advocate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Retiring Origin great Billy Slater has been thrust back into the headlines again today, after controversially winning the Golden Ball overnight. The Golden Ball is the award handed out to the best player at the FIFA World Cup, and at 3AM Queensland time last night, outgoing Maroons Fullback, Bily Slater []

The post Billy Slater Wins FIFA World Cups Golden Ball Despite Not Playing A Single Game appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

12:31

Waleed Urges Polynesian Community To Ban Single-Use Cooking Trays At After-Church Functions The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Waleed Aly is urging Australians to pressure state premiers around the country into joining the push for a national ban on single-use aluminium cooking trays, in his newest campaign against things that arent exactly recyclable. Samoan, Tongan, Cook Islander, Maori and even Filipino communities have been today urged to steer towards cooking with []

The post Waleed Urges Polynesian Community To Ban Single-Use Cooking Trays At After-Church Functions appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:51

Brexit Hardliners Call On Britain To Leave Planet The Shovel

Boris Johnson

Britains Brexit crisis deepened today, with several hard-line MPs stating that Britain should leave Earth, catching many world leaders by surprise.

Boris Johnson said it was the logical next step for the nation, and assured the public he had many contacts on the outside who he had strong relationships with.

US President Donald Trump was the only foreign leader to support the proposal, urging the Britain to join the US in leaving reality. Together we could negotiate some excellent trade deals, he said.

11:31

Elon Musks Mates Try To Subtly Explain To Him That Hes Coming Across As A Bit Of A Ct The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Close friends of South-African-Canadian-San-Fran-Ciscan entrepreneur and evangelist, Elon Musk, have today organised an intervention aimed at subtly informing the egotistical Afrikaan that hes being a bit of a cunt. This comes after Musk lashed out at a British diver involved in the dramatic rescue of a Thai soccer team and their coach after []

The post Elon Musks Mates Try To Subtly Explain To Him That Hes Coming Across As A Bit Of A Ct appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:36

Colleague Who Knew Nothing About Soccer A Month Ago Resumes Knowing Nothing About Soccer The Betoota Advocate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local ambiguously-Danish-Australian has told reporters that he plans to resume his old role in the office of knowing nothing about soccer today as the World Cup wraps up in Russia. Christian Jepsen works as a civil engineer at the French Quarters fourth-most prestigious construction management firm and prides []

The post Colleague Who Knew Nothing About Soccer A Month Ago Resumes Knowing Nothing About Soccer appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:35

England Shocked To Learn That Home Is Actually France

The entire country of England was shocked overnight to learn that home is now located in France following the French teams World Cup victory over Croatia.

Well they fooled me, I thought all along the whole country saying its coming home meant that the World cup was coming over here to London, said Brixton Football fan Charlie Boot. But turns out the World cup prefers Paris. Dont blame it really Versailles is a lot nicer than Buckingham palace and they dont have Trump visiting at the moment either.

When reached for comment the World Cup which was in the middle of settling into its new apartment on the Champs Elysees said: Why on earth would I want to call England home, how dreary. If ever I was going to call somewhere home it would be somewhere familiar like Rio, Berlin or Paris. You know somewhere Ive been before recently.

Now if youll excuse me Im off to sneer at tourists.

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

08:55

Google finish mapping Earth after UK becomes visible from space NewsBiscuit

Googles attempt to map the surface of the Earth for smartphone users to access half a dozen times then ignore, is near to completion. The project has been largely successful except for mapping the United Kingdom, which until six weeks ago was cocooned like a mind-mashed student under a double duvet of concrete cloud.

Thanks to unprecedented clear skies during the heatwave,  satellites have now mapped every square inch of the UK, even those square inches sold off to justify lord and ladyship titles. The information is being processed and compared against contemporary maps which show the UK as it would be if drawn by a sherbet-fuelled five year old on an etch-a-sketch.

In the history of cartography, the precise definition of the UK has always remained subjective. As the Romans used the UK as a penal colony, no detailed maps were produced for fear the convicts would find their way back to the continent. Henry VIII decreed cartographers should depict the realm to reflect the Sovereigns magnificence; naked on a prancing jousting horse grasping the royal lance. Queen Victoria ordered the Royal Engineers to blast the coastline to bits to resemble Her Majesty in profile on the throne, flashing a morsel of ankle.

A techie from Google explained: Our high-resolution images of the UK captured 37 islands not previously mapped before: one is a US air base, one contains a medieval castle with a round table at its heart, three contain Wicker Men, and the rest support enormous anonymous banking institutions. The English section of the mainland has a distinct red and white hue and appears to be retreating from continental Europe at an accelerated rate. The mainlands roads have a granular and uneven texture and connect a honeycomb network of sports stadia, retail parks and charity shops.

Detailed analysis has revealed intriguing features: ditches at each end of Hadrians Wall on the Scottish side seem to have been made with a huge saw-like implement and appear to be increasing in length. Flatlands known as Hackney Marshes reveal remarkable geometric Nazca-like lines which could be a sign of alien intelligence. Google are releasing the maps this week although the government have stated only maps with resolved objects larger than a discarded beer can will be published until after the World Cup clean-up has ended.

08:19

Canadian Bigot Shocked To Learn How Few People Actually Watch Sky News

Alt-right Canadian bigot Lauren Southern was shocked to learn how few people actually watched Sky News after appearing on the network over the weekend. Southern who is in Australia as part of her, Look At Me Say Racist Crap world tour, appeared on the network in the hope of selling a few more tickets.

I was shocked that so few people watched, normally when I appear on TV I get a few ticket sales or at least some angry tweets but this time nothing, said Southern. I will have to go with plan B and wear something controversial like a Make Australia Great Again cap or a Collingwood football club jersey.

When reached for comment over their low ratings a Sky News Spokesperson said: When Lauren appeared on Rita Panahis show we had a record number of viewers, I mean we almost hit double figures.

Its easy for people to dismiss Sky News over our low ratings but we are extremely vital to the discourse. I mean without us who would comedians make jokes about?

Mark Williamson 

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

05:36

Trump invites Russian soccer team to White House Stubhill News

Trump invites Russian team for World Cup victory ceremony.

04:15

France to Celebrate Football Victory by Returning to France as Usual Worker's Spatula

 

WhatHappenedToSniper

PARIS As ecstatic crowds took the streets across France (as well as other Francophone countries and in many other places around the world) to celebrate Frances decisive victory over Croatia in the World Cup hosted in Moscow today, our correspondents in France peppered themselves throughout the crowds to surreptitiously extract the views of the celebrating masses.

Yesterday, Bastille Day, today the World Cup! LONG LIVE FRANCE! exclaimed Jean Thomas, a drunken gentleman wearing one of those tricolour leis who appeared to not particularly comprehend our correspondents question: Do you think that this win will help legitimise the imperialist dominance of France over semi-colonial countries under the rubric of Francophonie given the multinational origins of the French team and the consequent international support for this victory?

FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE! added Thomas, for emphasis.

Other slightly more sober French individuals gave insufficiently sober analysis of the win:

I think its a wonderful thing that we won with such a diverse team. I think it will really bring France together, to s...

02:34

Nibiru in February 2021, says Russian Astronomer Someones Bones

Russian astrophysicists at the Ussuriysk Astrophysical Observatory have recalculated Nibirus date of arrival and now predict the dark star and its orbiting planets will reach perigee between the 21st and 26th of February in 2021, says Russian astronomer and Nibiru whistle-blower Dr. Dyomin Damir Zhakarovich. The refined date range supersedes a 2013 Ministry of Defense report that projected Nibiru would arrive during the fourth quarter of 2020.

Last December, Russian President Vladimir Putin commissioned three veteran astrophysicists, none with previous exposure to information on Nibiru, to reconcile discrepancies and produce accurate, actionable statistics. Dr. Zhakarovich, himself a Nibiru scholar, said Vladimir Putin wanted brilliant, unbiased minds to review objectively nearly thirty years of research.

Over time, we scientists get old and obstinate, Dr. Zhakarovich said. Many on Putins Nibiru research team are the same people who were looking at the data in the 1980s. Some felt the four-month window was accurate enough and were unwilling to stake their reputations on a more specific timeline. This did not sit well with President Putin. Thats why he brought new blood to the program, to examine variables the others did not see or refused to consider.

One such variable, Zhakarovich said, is Nibirus tendency to periodically stall in space. Twice in 2018, in February and June, the planetary system, which is said to be over 140,000,000 miles in diameter, defied the laws of physics and on each occasion sat motionless for exactly 184 hours, a little over a week. The Russian Space Agency scanned for spatial anomaliesblack holes, dark matter, and cosmic riftsbut found no aberrations that could anchor an entire star system.

When one astronomer suggested Nibiru might be under intelligent contr...

02:24

WWE2K19: Special Edition to Include Full Refund The Hard Times

STAMFORD, Conn. Several key details about this years WWE console title have been released, including an unprecedented refund being included with the most expensive variation of the annual franchise.

Weve got a lot of exciting things in WWE2K19, said this years cover star, current WWE champion AJ Styles at a press conference yesterday.  New match types, an updated story mode, and this year a full half of the roster will bear a passing resemblance to their real life counterparts. We also have some really exciting incentives for players purchasing special editions of the game.

Read More From Hard DriveBackwoods Meth Tweaker Pumped About WWE2K18 Soundtrack

At this point in the announcement, WWE CEO and chairman Vince McMahon took the podium and revealed several options fans will have to purchase this years installment.  

You could buy the standard edition for sixty dollars, or you could get the Collectors Edition, which features several throwback wrestlers and classic WrestleMania moments, said McMahon.  Or if you get the Special Edition, youll be immediately granted a refund upon booting the game up and realizing that this years title is just as disappointing as the last several.

Players will be given the option to have the refund credited to them via PayPal, their gaming account of choice, or can even have it applied to their WWE Network subscription.

We wanted to make it as easy as possible for members of the WWE Universe to continue to be disappointed in our product week in and week out, McMahon continued.  Its never been easier to fully experience just how many ways we are phoning it in these days!

The brief video game portion of the press conference then ended as several other WWE related enterprises were being promoted as well, including the new season of Total Bellas and the upcoming direct-to-DVD feature The Marine 6: Origins: Requiem, starring The Miz, Randy Orton, and the Repo Man.  

The post WWE2K19: Special Edition to Include Full Refund appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:02

Prime Minister Of UK Fails To Brexit Pub Properly Daily Discord

Greenwich, ENGAfter an evening of trying to forget President Trumps visit, the UKs Prime Minister Theresa May failed to successfully navigate the open door of a popular Greenwich pub. According to witnesses, May walked repeatedly into the wall right next to the door before finally crumpling in a heap in the entranceway. Many are wondering if the incident

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Sunday, 15 July

23:30

Local Audience Member Stunned to Be Part of Best Crowd Ever The Hard Times

WICHITA, Kan. Local student Adam Irving was stunned to learn last Tuesday that Brick Teeth frontman Kevin Gillion had awarded the audience a coveted Best Crowd Ever distinction during their show, excited sources confirmed.

Speaking from the stage mid-performance, Gillion announced the victory to the largely unresponsive attendees, including a star-struck Irving.

This is my first ever gig, and Im part of the best crowd ever. I mean, were making history here I cant believe my luck! said Irving, a 16-year-old who was dropped off at the show by his mother. I was way surprised the band thought our stock was so good, you know? There are tons of people chatting, and all the older dudes by the bar arent really paying attention. Im not sure how other crowds normally act, but I love that we are the best.

Irving confirmed he bought two t-shirts and a cassette demo from the merch table to commemorate the moment.

Related:

I had to get something from this show. I dont even have a tape player in the house, but you gotta get a souvenir to show people, said Irving. Does anyone know if the Guinness World Records people showed up at any point? They need to know what happened here tonight.

Gillion later explained why he anointed the half-capacity crowd as the best ever.

This is one of the last shows on the tour, and Im a little tired. So I just busted out all the standard on-stage banter, said Gillion. I dont even remember saying they were the best ever. I do know two guys starting fighting halfway through the set that was really the only thing that set this crowd apart from the countless others.

However, when Irving later informed a friend of the award, Irving was shocked by his friends response.

My friend Joe texted back, saying the band he went to see across town said the same thing to their crowd tonight, said Irving. So Im heading over there with my mom right now to punch that lying prick in the junk.

Photo by Kat Chish.

The post Local Audience Member Stunned to Be Part of Best...

22:00

English FA admit to long-term usage of performance-inhibiting drugs NewsBiscuit

Hot on the heels of the Russian doping scandal, the English FA have finally confessed to using performance inhibiters on the national side. In an admission confirming what the majority of England fans have long suspected, details of a long term self-handicapping regime have emerged stretching back nearly 50 years; a plan dedicated at taking the most graceful and elegant ball-players in the English game and turning them into leaden, ballistophobic oxen with four left feet.

The initial euphoria of the win in 1966 quickly wore off admitted an FA spokesman, speaking from their North London test facility, but we realised that the genie was out of the bottle. We would never again be able to live up to this performance and level of expectation. It would be unfair to the squad, manager and training staff to labour under this irksome burden.

It was then that the FA looked to a number of pharmaceutical companies, offering up the team as a test bed for chemical cocktails aimed at underachieving. An initial deal was brokered, but almost scuppered in 1970 by the teams unwillingness to conform. God bless those Brazilians, saved us a huge embarrassment, not to mention the large wad of cash we wouldve had to give back joked the spokesman. Since then there have been more stringent rules and regulations in place, but there have been been occasional blips where managers have taken it upon themselves to suspend the programme.

Yes, Italia 1990, that was a right debacle : we had to do some real fire-fighting there, and the transgressors dealt with to the full extend of FA Law. Why do you think Robson aged so badly afterwards, eh ?

As with any comparative test , you would expect there to be a placebo group to act as a control for validation purposes : and every now and then, we drop a couple of them into the squad, just as proof of concept, the spokesman continued. Next match you watch, try and work out whether that plodding, ungainly dobbin is just natural talentlessness or chemically induced. Its fascinating. Oh   and theyll lose 2-1 anyway.

The drugs scandal could see England banned from going to the 2018 World Cup.  Although a FIFA spokesman commented Or we could just let them play all their qualifiers as usual. The end result will be the same.

 

 

 

FlashArry

21:00

Home Office admin error means England Flag wont be racist again until Wednesday NewsBiscuit

Home Secretary Sajid Javid wont be able to make the English Flag fully racist until Wednesday 18th of July he admitted in a written question this week. The St. Georges flag, which was scheduled to return to being fully racist after yesterdays Third Place play-off football match between Belguim and England, has been the victim of a human error in which it erroneously  became the focal point for a spirit of optimism, national unity and good sportsmanship.  The Home Secretary apologised for the error and said that normal service should be resumed by the middle of this week. This means that members of the public who believe Tommy Robinson was fairly jailed, can still display the flag until approximately midday Wednesday the 18th of July without fear of being presumed to be racist psychos, white supremacists or worse, being blamed for Brexit.

 

oblongscone

18:14

Nigel Farage shared an obviously faked far right photo and the responses are all youd hope for The Poke

Nigel Farage here proving what a great analytical mind he has by sharing an obviously faked far right photo on Twitter.

The once and future UKIP leader deleted it after he eventually realised it was fake and had this to say.

And here are our favourite responses online.

1.

2.

3.

17:28

Simply 47 of the best Donald Trump protest signs during his first presidential UK visit The Poke

Not long to go now until the so-called president leaves the so-called UK and its been everything we could have hoped for and more.

Not least the always inventive protest signs that greeted Donald Trump on his first presidential visit to the UK. Here are 47 of the very best.

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2.

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5.

...

17:14

World Cup finalists dubbed into EastEnders is unintentionally hilarious The Poke

One of the reasons EastEnders has been at the top of its game for so long is how it manages to seamlessly incorporate topical world events into the show even though its recorded several weeks in advance.

Like this, for instance, as pointed out by the great Matt Berry on Twitter.

We could watch that for the full 90 minutes of todays final and still not get bored of it.

Source

The post World Cup finalists dubbed into EastEnders is unintentionally hilarious appeared first on The Poke.

16:55

Someone shared the Sunday Times World Cup souvenir that never was and it will give you feelings The Poke

Heres the Sunday Times Ben Preston giving us a tiny glimpse into the sort of thing we could expect today if Englands game against Croatia had ended differently.

Theres something about this that just, well, were with this guy.

Source

The post...

12:49

Trump Boasting To Queen About How Much Property He Owns The Shovel

Referring to himself as property royalty, Donald Trump offered to give the Queen a free lesson in wealth accumulation, as the two walked through the 13 acre Windsor Castle estate yesterday.

I own eight buildings in New York and a golf course in Scotland, the US President said, asking the Queen if shed ever been to Scotland before.

And you should see my apartment. Its huge. Really big, he said, adding that since he became President it had been staffed by a permanent security team out the front.

The Queen later broke with royal protocol, referring to Trump as a massive twat.

08:55

Couple in critical condition after being exposed to pure Brexit NewsBiscuit

A man and woman found unconscious in Wiltshire may have come into contact with, what chemists are describing as a compound made from Voldemorts nose, Freddy Kruegers finger nails and Nigel Farages bile duct. The noxious substance is so deadly that it could destroy all life as we know it, or for the residents of Slough be a welcome relief.

Home Office figures suggest that 52% of UK citizens have dabbled with soft Brexit for recreational purposes or simply out of peer pressure that peer being Peter Lilley. Equally so, many casual users attest to experiencing mild hallucinations such as, the British economy will be fine, that nobody is racist or that David Davis knows what hes doing.

A police spokeswoman said: Leave campaigners talk about using the Hard stuff, but this is pure, un-cut Brexit. Even in its smallest doses it can flatten a city or bring Jacob Rees-Mogg to orgasm. This substance was 100% proof, which is 100% more proof than Boris Johnson uses in his press releases.

Quite how they came into contact is unsure; as up until now a Brexit this extreme has always been sealed in chemical weapons facilities or the wet dreams of Michael Gove. Police are advising local residents to report any toxic materials, or just publish them under the name Katie Hopkins.

Saturday, 14 July

22:41

TV Set Killed Man TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Police in Fort Lauderdale say the death of a man in his seventies was caused by his TV set, and have charged the appliance with homicide. The man, Gordon Binfield, 74, had lived alone since his wife died in 1983, and, having few friends, rarely l...

08:40

Shitty Weed Barely Triggers Panic Attack The Hard Times

MISSOULA, Mont. Local stoner Zannah Meyers concluded that the weed she smoked this afternoon must be extremely shitty, after a near-hour of puffing resulted in virtually no doubt cast onto every decision shes ever made, a disappointed source confirmed.

I suspected it might be low quality bud when I didnt even feel like hyper-analyzing all the ways Ill never make amends for the mistakes I made in my teens, Meyers said, taking another defeated toke. I didnt even scrutinize my pores in the mirror, or consider going back to school I just kind of felt a dull anxiety that probably doesnt even meet the criteria for a real panic attack.

Meyers, who often notes a general, overwhelming sense of doom everytime she blazes, reportedly experienced nothing more than a manageable nervousness after smoking.

I called my dealer and told him if he wouldnt give me a refund, the least he could do is deliver a series of biting criticisms about my shortcomings, Meyers explained. I was really counting on being able to unwind with some painful reminiscing or at least some general uneasiness about the future. Instead, here I am, feeling like things are going okay and maybe even that I matter? I definitely got scammed.

Related:

Housemate Misha Yom later confirmed that while Meyers didnt descend into her typical pot-induced disquietude after their usual afternoon session, the barely-disoriented 24-year-old did make an effort to simulate the familiar effects of her high.

She tried reading the news to get her cortisol levels up, but I guess even this neofascist dystopian corporatist hellscape couldnt get her into that state of frenzy she was looking for, Yom said. She said it just kind of made her want to vote.

At press time, Meyers was seen forgoing a box of imitation Cheez-Its in favor of filing the taxes she had extended and calling her mom during her total waste of an afternoon.

The post Shitty Weed Barely Triggers Panic Attack appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:13

Donald Trumps Pay Your Age Build a Wall Offer Falls Flat TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

POTUS Donald Trumps latest scheme to build a wall between the USA and Mexico has fallen flat after no one turned up. The hapless President had picked up the idea from the famous Build A Bear company, whose Pay Your Age offer was massively over sub...

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