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Monday, 15 October

01:00

Thatll be a Chinook office guy finally gets it right NewsBiscuit

London shipping clerk Darren Ross was celebrating today when his assertion that the helicopter he could hear was definitely a Chinook turned out to be correct.

According to colleagues, the chopper fan had previously got it wrong on 17 occasions, ascribing the distinctive twin-rotor noise generated by the American workhorse of the sky to an Apache, a Black Hawk, a UH-72 Lakota, an AA breakdown truck and a man blowing through his lips.

00:45

Courteous Punk Kinda Moves Friends Dishes Before Pissing in Sink The Hard Times

CHICAGO Polite and respectful punk Jimmy Arano did the right thing at a house party last weekend by slightly moving a small pile of dishes to one side before pissing in the kitchen sink, skeeved-out sources confirmed.

I was four tallboys deep and had to pee like crazy, but the bathroom line was practically out the front door, Arano said. So I did the only sensible thing: I pissed in the sink. Not my proudest moment, but overall, I think I handled the situation with a buttload of class.

Vaguely horrified and amused witnesses noted Arano did gently push the in-sink dishes slightly away from the drain before urinating a gesture Arano referenced several times by loudly proclaiming, No harm, no foul, bro.

However, homeowner and party host Kyle Hoskins had a slightly different perspective.

There were only two people in line for the bathroom. Jimmy could have waited all of five minutes, but instead dropped trou in the middle of the kitchen, said Hoskins, who was entertaining in the backyard during the incident. And its not a big sink. There was almost definitely splashback on my turquoise Fiestaware.

While multiple, reportedly intoxicated, party guests cheered on Aranos very public micturition, others sided with Hoskins over the alleged party foul.

I would have never done something like that. Just gross. Sure, Ive pissed in bathtubs because a friend was vomiting in the toilet. Who hasnt? But the kitchen sink? Grow up, dude, said guest Leslie Pivetta. If he had to go that bad, why not pee on the douchey neighbors Altima, like a normal person?

Hoskins admitted he intends to speak with Arano at some point though the confrontation has been delayed while Hoskins deals with another, more severe, lavatorial issue that arose later that evening.

Ill definitely knock Jimmy the fuck out soon but right now, I got bigger problems. Some asshole left an upper decker in the toilet tank, Hoskins said.

When reached for comment about the defacement of Hoskins toilet tank, a sheepish Arano replied that he would answer no further questions at this time.

The post Courteous Punk Kinda Moves Friends Dishes Before Pissing in Sink appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Sunday, 14 October

23:18

Kangaroo Attack Family Talk Calmly About Their Experience TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

An Australian couple and their son, who have been caring for kangaroos for more than 30 years, have spoken to reporters about the savage attack that changed their minds about the infernal beasts. Jim and Linda Santoro, from Millmerran in Queenslan...

22:00

Baker refuses to make Christian cake NewsBiscuit

A baker in N.Ireland has flatly refused to bake a cake for a Christian couple saying the whole concept behind the cake was totally abhorrent and against everything he stood for.
Baker Jason Beesley said the couple had asked him to bake a cake made from unleavened bread and red wine but 43 year old Jason argued that the ingredients were meant to represent the flesh and blood of a man brutally murdered over 2000 years ago and was simply an attempt by the couple to legitimise cannibalism

Why anybody would want to pretend they were eating the flesh of a man who had been left to die in agony on a cross for days on end is beyond me, said Beesley.
I tried explaining the Eucharist to my toddler, continued Beesley. He asked if it was like what the zombies do in The Walking Dead and I said, well, basically, yes it was.  He said cool. Now I think he wants to become a Christian so he can eat people.
Dress it up as you wish, but eating the flesh and drinking the blood of another human being is just creepy.; concluded Beesley. It might only be symbolic.but then so is marrying the person you love. Sorry.I just cant do it.

21:22

Morrison Unveils New Fast Train Service The Shovel

The Morrison Government today unveiled plans for the nations first fast train service, which will revolutionise train travel in Australia, according to the Prime Minister. 

The early election promise is one of a range of new ideas Mr Morrison has put forward to modernise the countrys infrastructure and boost the coal industry. 
Dubbed Barnaby, the service will cover the busy Sydney to Canberra route. Although buses will be needed between Sydney to Bungendore due to track incompatibility, it is expected to cut hours from the current horse and carriage time. 
 
 
Minister for Infrastructure, Transport and Regional Development, Michael McCormack, described the service as a great example of Australian ingenuity and the shot in the arm our coal industry needed. 
___________________
By Paul Dovas

20:10

Coles Radio Providing Just Whats Needed On Gloomy Sunday Evening The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With the bleakness of another weekend coming to a conclusion, paired with the average weather, the only thing making a last minute grocery run seem worth it are the nostalgic bangers coming out of the supermarket sound system. Weaving between some Dido, Justified-era Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado, the light early-2000s playlist comes []

The post Coles Radio Providing Just Whats Needed On Gloomy Sunday Evening appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

20:00

Conkers crap, middle-aged man is reminded NewsBiscuit

Roger Martindale, a 48-year-old chartered surveyor from Bromsgrove, has returned from a trip down memory lane by playing conkers in the back garden with his 12-year-old son Nigel in the evening mist.  Unfortunately the memories that were revived were all awful, given that the experience served mainly to confirm that his childhood games were basically pants.

Nigel kept on at me to collect conkers with him, then drill holes through them and play, Martindale said. I thought it might be a fun, quality time experience for us to share but after about 100 goes each and only dealing a glancing blow to each others conker twice each, I started to wonder how much longer Id have to AHHHH! Dammit, Nigel, mind my bloody knuckles will you?

Martindale had had fond memories of playing conkers with his own dad some 35 autumns ago, until he remembered that the only reason for this was that his friends refused to, calling him a speccy loser for not having an Atari.

To compound the overwhelming sense of ennui and futility inherent in the situation, the dog, who regards everything else I have ever done as wonderful looked on as disdainfully as my pet cat from childhood did in 1980, while my wife started on about how lovely it was to see boys still enjoying all the old-fashioned games.  Exactly like my mother did in 1980, safe in the knowledge that, as a girl, she would never have this inflicted on her.

Nonetheless, he conceded, it would be nice if one day, Nigel got to play conkers in the autumn twilight with his own son, if only because the thought of being wheeled out at the age of 75 to do this shit again with a third generation of nerdy kid is too painful to think about it.  Come on mate, its France v Romania in a minute. And that was NEVER a windmill, you can fuck right off you can

17:36

Libs Target Rowdy Springbok Fans In Desperate Bid To Stir Up African Gang Problem In Wentworth The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has warned Sydneys Eastern suburbs voters to think carefully before voting for independent candidate Kerryn Phelps, after a new poll placed her far ahead of Liberal opponent Dave Sharma. This comes as what-should-be-the-safest-Liberal-seat-in-the-country begins to indicate that it might be sick of the toxicity that saw the silver-haired saviour []

The post Libs Target Rowdy Springbok Fans In Desperate Bid To Stir Up African Gang Problem In Wentworth appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:21

Trump Floats Slavery Idea TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

President Donald Trump has indicated at a meeting with Republican colleagues, that, as a way of solving problems in the employment sector, he "would not totally oppose" the idea of a return to slavery on a limited scale. The news had an earth-shat...

10:36

Did You Get That Presidential Orange Alert Text This Week? Daily Discord

Tweet TowerDid anyone else get that Presidential Alert on your cellphone? Ive gotten Amber Alerts when kids go missing, and Silver Alerts when the chronologically-challenged wander into the woods, but what the hell is an Orange Alert? Can we block our president from texting me? I blocked FEMA and Homeland Insecurity, but WTF? The actual message from

10:34

Only Child Ecstatic School Holidays Are Over The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While school holidays are a brilliant opportunity to do things you can genuinely see yourself reminiscing over such as watching TV or playing video games, for only child Jess Wilby (11) she is looking forward to returning to school and is ecstatic the holidays are over. Being an awkward age where she is []

The post Only Child Ecstatic School Holidays Are Over appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:07

Hungover Wreck Constantly Refreshes Food Delivery App To Follow Cyclist In Real Time The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local womans Earth-shattering hangover has this morning resulted in her refreshing her food delivery app for the fourth time in one minute, in what can only be describe as an act of pure desperation. In her current festering state, Millie Bryan has ordered a mid-morning feast from her local Thai restaurant which []

The post Hungover Wreck Constantly Refreshes Food Delivery App To Follow Cyclist In Real Time appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:55

Hard hitting Countryfile special to feature Matt chainsawing a pig, confirm Beeb NewsBiscuit

The BBC have confirmed that next weeks edition of Countryfile will come from an unlicensed abattoir in mid Devon. The producer of the show has said it is an opportunity to highlight the other side of life in the Shires, and to get a glimpse behind those dry-brick walls.
Viewers will get a chance to see Countryfile presenters up to their elbows in offal and intestines, skinning sheep, electrocuting chickens and wrestling with barely stunned animals as they desperately cling on to life. Presenter Matt Baker is filmed taking a chainsaw to a recently slaughtered pig, while Anita Rani will be seen passing an electric current through the head of a 35 week old lamb.

See what happens in an hilarious sequence when Anita tried to cut the little lambs throat only to find the poor creature wasnt actually dead.  Yesthat Anitawhat is she like, explained one of the abbatoir workers. We did explain that in order to kill the lamb she needed to cut both carotid arteries and let the thing bleed out for at least 20 seconds, otherwise it just ends up getting skinned alive. Its hilarious watching poor Anita getting showered in sheep blood while she struggles to put it out of its misery..pure slapstick.
Veteran presenter John Craven is then seen immersing chickens in an electrified water bath before passing them through an automatic neck cutter. It took a while before we found a live chicken to electrocute, quipped John. Most of them were already dead on arrival. Those that hadnt had their heads crushed in the transporter had died from heart failure, but we found one in the end.
Follow the life cycle of Buttercup, a happy three year old Hereford as she makes the journey from green pasture to butchers hook, from free roaming animal to pallid, grey stewing steak in a supermarket chiller. Watch Tom Heap scrape shredded meat from the abattoir wall, and see him feed lips and ears through a mincer to make dog food and cat food and own-brand supermarket burgers. And watch Helen Skelton struggle with her ear-defenders as she tries to block out the sound of screaming, panic stricken sheep as they realise whats about to happen.
Viewers have often asked what happens when the cameras stop rolling, the film crews pack all their stuff away and the shows presenters are all tucked up in bed., said producer Jason Beesley. Well.this is what happens. Happy now?

The following week, why not join Matt and the rest of the Countryfile team in Monaco as they watch a billionaire land owner blow his entire annual EU subsidy on a single turn of the roulette wheel.

07:34

Friends Ugly Engagement Ring Still Looks Really Wow The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact local woman has today had to call on her two semesters of year 10 drama after her friend shoved her engagement ring in her face for the fifth time in one sitting. Stacey Wakefield admitted to The Advocate that she didnt like lying to her friend, but the []

The post Friends Ugly Engagement Ring Still Looks Really Wow appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:25

Local Woman Wishing Mechanic Could Just Rip Her Off Without The Run Around The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact So, youll probably need new brake pads, theyve only got 7% left And the tread on your tires is at below 3mm, so well replace all of them just to be safe Your wheel alignment is off, so Ill do an electronic realignment there too blah blah blah []

The post Local Woman Wishing Mechanic Could Just Rip Her Off Without The Run Around appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:24

Sean(n) and Katya were back on the Strictly dance floor favourite 33 things people said about it The Poke

Sean(n) and Katya were back on the Strictly dance floor tonight after that unfortunate public display of affection and that explosive statement from Sean(n)s now ex girlfriend.

This is what they looked like.

And these are our favourite 33 things people said about it.

1.

2.

3.

4....

07:19

Hungover Grogman Refreshes Food Delivery App For 4th Time This Minute The Betoota Advocate

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact A local man with an Earth-shattering hangover has this morning refreshed his food delivery app for the fourth time in one minute, in what can only be described as an act of pure desperation. In his current festering state, Miles Bryan has ordered a feast from his local Thai []

The post Hungover Grogman Refreshes Food Delivery App For 4th Time This Minute appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:28

Fan Hates U2 Because They Are Popular TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A local man who grew up loving U2, hates them now because they are popular. U2 used to be awesome until everyone else started liking them, then they became awful, said the man, Kevin Stevens. I liked them when they were young and up-and-coming,...

01:00

Yellow Pages rebrands as Yellow Page NewsBiscuit

Yellow Pages has decided that the time has come for a rebranding, to fit in with its contemporary slimline look and will henceforth be known as Yellow Page. Once a breezeblock sized tome and the chief source of information on local business phone numbers, the publication has been steadily shrinking ever since the dawn of the internet, along with the use of phone numbers and local businesses.

As well as cheaper production costs, the new Yellow Page will be much easier to fit through a letterbox, and also much easier to tear up, allowing 95% of the UK population to be able to claim that they are incredibly strong.

Inevitably with our move to one side of A4 we have to sacrifice some of the text, says Yellow Pages CEO Ruth Jones, so the plan is simply to put the address of our website in 36 point and leave it at that.

00:45

Mathcore Band Converts 6.2 Pitchfork Review Into B+ AV Club Review The Hard Times

ST. PAUL, Minn. Mathcore band The David Hilbert Filter Box has successfully converted the harsh 6.2 Pitchfork review of their debut EP into a B+ AV Club review using their newly developed Review Exchange Formula (REF), sources confirmed.

Using this formula, we were able to turn a bullshit review into a summary of our untapped potential, said Darian Thomas, the bands lead guitarist and trianglist. We spent a lot of time on this EP, and Pitchfork really took the wind out of our sails. Luckily, our REF yields a much more favorable B+ AV Club review. Thats something I can really share on Facebook.

Developed in the bands rehearsal space, Thomas conceived of the method after reading hundreds of unfavorable Pitchfork reviews of albums highly rated across other outlets.

The hardest parts of the equation are the variables: things like the age of the Pitchfork reviewer, and what they rated In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Once you have that info you can properly convert any review, said Thomas, illustrating the formula on a chalkboard. Some of the worst Pitchfork reviews get converted as high as an NME 8/10, Rolling Stone 3.5 Stars, or 17 pirate flags out of 20 in my friend Nicks zine.

Once ready for the public, Thomas demonstrated the results to a gathering of poorly reviewed peers.

A Pitchfork review by Alex Flanergy of our album, An Everlasting Ionic Presicipace, unfairly stated, Despite some progressive soundscapes, this EP ends up dragging under the weight of its own pretension. The four-person guitar breakdown to an auto-tuned Isaac Newton quote did not sell, said Thomas. But, once converted, the AV Clubs Patrick Emerson noted, This album reveals The David Hilbert Filter Box to be the potential mainstream shepherds of mathcore. If Leonhard Euler were alive today, hed think this is sick as fuck, in his B+ review.

Using REF, 2 out of 3 of our members are swiped right on 20 percent more on Tinder, swore Jim Lamont, who plays the bands 8-bit synth. And we played a bunch of covers at Jacob Alpersteins Bar Mitzvah they were called complete shit by the grandparents, but they got converted to kind of fun by four of the teenagers present.

The post Mathcore Band Converts 6.2 Pitchfork Review Into B+ AV Club Review appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:00

New Zealand Air Force buys half an F35 fighter jet TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The American Air Force has grounded its whole fleet of F35 fighter jets, described as the most sophisticated and expensive in the history of combat aviation. Media reports suggest that the Trump administration has found a legitimate excuse to get rid...

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Saturday, 13 October

23:25

Kanye West Next US Ambassador To The United Nations TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

When it was a rumored possibility, folks thought it a satirical joke, but no, the truth is, Kanye West will replace Nikki Haley as the next US Ambassador to the United Nations. Of course, Ivanka is disappointed. Her father already announced that...

22:00

Grime is shite claims new report NewsBiscuit

It has emerged today that Grime Music is pure shite according to a report commissioned on behalf of the BPI.

Author of the study, Professor Darius Morgan, from the Royal College of Music said: When asked to undertake this project I had major reservations about my preconceptions on this genre. I had more than an inkling that perhaps Grime was shite but I wanted to be dispassionate and totally professional in my assessment as part of the evaluation process. It was imperative that I did so to ensure a fair conclusion.

But in the event I neednt have worried because after undertaking the research it turned out that I was completely correct. We found without any shadow of a doubt incontrovertible evidence proving Grime is definitely pure, and what is more, utter utter utter shite.

The Met Polices senior officers have welcomed the reports findings arguing the music has criminal undertones, as the message often contained within the lyrics is disturbing and encourages crimes of drug abuse and extreme violence creating major problems in many areas of the Capital. One high ranking office stating: We need to be tough on Grime, tough on the causes of Grime.

Calls are now coming from many quarters for a curb of the genre on YouTube and other social media platforms where it can be freely listened to.

But Grime musicians, Bastard Crew, have been quick to hit back. That shite jibe is shit, know what Im saying, says their leader, trainee accountant David Potter from Watford. This professor and the cops know Jack about our music, man. And as for it being a crime in itself, have they never heard Olly Murs?

hat-tip Titus

20:00

Back to the Future prequel to be made retrospectively NewsBiscuit

25 years after the hit movie, Back to the Future, scientists at CERN have discovered time travellers from the real future have already made a prequel to the film, which was secretly released ten years before the 1989 original, but vanished, due to its own illogicality.

Experimental physicist Professor Mike Smythe commented: Back to the Future 0 directed by the yet to be born Phyllis Smithers, features some amazing predictions, many of which have or will come true, including cordless phones, frozen food, Gareth Bale and Shake n Vac.  One key prediction will be and was that a quite unremarkable film from 1989 would enjoy an undeserved revival, so that crap hacks can bang on about hoverboards, Deloreans and the Smash potato advert, when they should be writing about the real future which will be the end of humanity due to war and climate change and is predicted to happen just after the next Bond movie but one.

Professor Smythe continued: What these movies show without doubt is that time is not, as we have always considered it, a continuum of events measured by mechanical devices and dictated by planetary functions.  Its more of an invisible blue substance with a texture like egg custard, in the shape of a Mobius doughnut, some of it as big as a double decker bus.

15:52

Woman Buys Game Just to Understand Memes The Hard Times

I have played countless hours of first person and third person shooters, so its just totally baffling that when I see gameplay footage of Overwatch that I feel like Im reading a book in a foreign language, McNamara told reporters after finally purchasing the game. Overwatch never really looked that interesting to me, but Im so fucking sick of seeing random pictures with captions like When Junkrat ults but you Genji that I was like fuck it, I will devote time and money into understanding what the fuck is coming across my Twitter feed.

According to Blizzard Entertainment, a sheer 73% of Overwatch sales are made approximately three minutes after the buyer views a highlight video on the front page of Reddit.

Most people see a Twitch clip of what looks like a guy jumping around and getting a few kills and theyre like Why does this have 30,000 upvotes? Why is everyone praising this clip? What the fuck is going on? explained Blizzard sales analyst Steven Joseph. Thats really our bread and butter when it comes to sales.

Everyone wants to feel like theyre a part of a group, and we really prey on that here at Blizzard. If you see some Fortnite event and theres a highlight reel, you dont have to play the game to understand whats going on. Some guys build some stairs, then they pull out a shotgun and shoot the other guy. Victory royale, Joseph continued. But when 17,000 people show up at the Barclay Center to watch some kids play Overwatch, cheering as a bunch of goofy characters jumping up and down on a slowly moving car you feel like a fucking idiot. And you buy our game.

Close sources report that McNamara is already starting to get a handle on the Overwatch memes that she once could not crack.

...

14:55

Inner-City Leftie Still Furious Opera House Promoted Everest Race Which Will Take Place 4:15 PM At Randwick In Case You Didnt Know About It The Betoota Advocate

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local inner-city leftie Byle Flush (29) says that he knows theres a lot more to be outraged about right now, but he still cant get over the fact that the Sydney Opera House promoted a horse race over the weekend. Byle says that while he has never stepped foot inside the iconic state-owned []

The post Inner-City Leftie Still Furious Opera House Promoted Everest Race Which Will Take Place 4:15 PM At Randwick In Case You Didnt Know About It appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:06

Rare Coin Arouses Interest On eBay TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Coin collectors were in the news again earlier today, when an extremely rare 10p coin attracted the attentions of several serious bidders on auction website eBay. Or is it ebay? The coin, which is like MANY other 10p coins - in that, it has that...

09:55

GPs to be replaced by vending machines NewsBiscuit

For as little as 20p patients will soon be able to shove their head, limb, or genitals into a hole and have a vending machine assess a range of medical conditions.

In a bold move to address the crisis in GP services, the government has announced a multi-million pound investment in diagnostic vending machines. Kwik-Sick machines will be placed in workplace canteens and train stations across the UK.

Modelled on popular coffee and snack vendors, the new machines will have a series of holes into which customers can stick a body part for an instant diagnosis of flu, piles, or brain tumour. Holes will come in a range of sizes and will be set at different heights to accommodate a diverse patient population. Having stuck your body part into a hole the vending machine will then print out a diagnosis. If the machine fails to print out, it will need to be kicked and thumped repeatedly.

The government believes Kwik-Sick is a cost-effective alternative to GPs because each one contains an underpaid and poorly trained diagnostic advisor who crouches inside and examines body parts as they are poked through. In a further innovation, prospective patients will first need to input their basic details into a gatekeeping vending machine which will announce that  The GP vending machine will allow you to access it next Thursday week at 9:30am..

GPs have reacted in a typically Luddite fashion and condemned the new service outright. They point out that children with saucepans stuck on their heads could receive electric shocks. However, the Health Minister has expressed his full confidence in the new technology and its preferred supplier, Bodyparts International Plc.

Myke, Hat-tip Titus

06:57

Dad Who Saw Zeppelin Drops Disappointment of Son off at Concert for Band Named Real Friends The Hard Times

SAN FRANCISCO Greg Franken, local embarrassed and disappointed father, dropped off his son at some sort of nerd convention for a band named Real Friends, sources who saw Led fucking Zeppelin confirmed today.

According to reports, Franken refused to get near the entrance of August Hall on Oct 25th, opting to drop off his son down the street instead.

Jesus Christ, are these the people who convinced my son its cool to be a #sadboi? Franken said after seeing a flyer for the show. I saw Zeppelin. Led fucking Zeppelin. Now that sounds like a rock band. Real Friends sounds like the theme to a little girls birthday party.

What is he even sad about? Franken added about his son. We are upper middle class and the kid hasnt worked a day in his life. All four of his grandparents are alive. Im serious, I cannot think of a single hardship he has faced.

According to a series of Snapchat stories, Alex Franken doesnt take his dads music criticism all that serious.

My dad is kinda stuck in his ways, but I played him a Real Friends song in the car without telling him who it was and he loved it, the younger Franken said. I dont think he even saw Zeppelin. Before my mom left she would spit right in his face and say he was a little dork boy.'

I get laid all the time, he added.

August Hall and The Hard Times present Real Friends Oct 25th at August Hall in San Francisco. Click here for tickets. 

The post Dad Who Saw Zeppelin Drops Disappointment of Son off at Concert for Band Named Real Friends appeared first on The Hard Tim...

06:50

US reported mulling application of Khashoggi case to Assange TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Mr. Trump, concerned over an arms sales deal with Saudi Arabia worth $110billion, is being cautious over the Jamal Khashoggi case. An investigation with teeth in it could interrupt his friendship with the Saudis and affect arms deals down the road...

03:45

Uncontacted Tribe Hasnt Even Heard About Banksys Self-Destructing Painting Yet The Hard Times

JAKARTA, Indonesia The uncontacted people of the Teriku tribe are the last-known living humans yet to hear of Banksys self-destructing painting stunt from earlier this week, experts confirmed.

When I study these tribes, I can see exactly how they live without western agricultural practices and electricity but I do not understand how nobody told them yet about how Banksy totally boned some anonymous art collector, said Chris Randall, a budding anthropologist at Stanford University. Personally, I cant go an hour without my phone, and it seems like the whole world has Banksy on the brain.

Even the most seasoned anthropologists were shocked by the discovery.

For years, we have had remote cameras set up to monitor the health and well-being of the Teriku and when we checked up on them after the Banksy prank, it looked like business as usual, said Dr. Brianna Price, a pioneer in Indonesian anthropological studies. It made no sense. Not once did someone stop and randomly say, Hey, did you see that shredded painting thing?

The discovery led Price to wonder about the cultural fallout for a tribe potentially unaware of Banksy at all.

How will they learn all of the moral lessons found in Banksys work? Price said. Without access to pieces like Mobile Romance, how will they learn about the dangers of technology and social media? Its my practice to never judge any undiscovered tribe, but this is just sad.

Already, concerned citizens from the industrialized West hope to raise awareness of satirical street art within the tribe.

It is time for somebody to intervene and help these desperate people, said Drew Keeling, founder of the activist group Banksy Without Borders, which shows indigenous tribespeople screenshots of Banksy pieces as part of its mission. These tribes cannot live like this. Its inhumane they need access to hot food, and even hotter takes on globalism!

At press time, the Tariku were hurling spears at a group of art student missionaries carrying copies of Banksys book Wall and Piece.

The post Uncontacted Tribe Hasnt Even Heard About Banksys Self-Destructing Painting Yet appeared first on The Hard Times.

02:32

Opinion: I Accept My Sons Decision to Be Openly Gay. I Just Dont Buy Him as a Top The Hard Times

When our son Terry told us he was coming home from college for the weekend to tell us something my wife and I had a pretty good idea of what it was. Terry had always been different. I could never get him into sports, he never showed interest in girls, etc. I grew up in a strict catholic household and was raised on very traditional values. In the back of my mind I always knew this day was coming and it terrified me because I honestly didnt know how I would react. But sometimes you surprise yourself. As our son stood in front of us and delivered his years rehearsed speech about no longer being able to live a lie and needing to be who he was, all that I felt was pride. I was so proud of our gay son.

All of that changed when his lover, Keith, made a joke about Terry wearing the pants in the relationship during dinner.

Are you kidding me? There is no WAY my son is a fucking top.

I have to say I am disappointed. I thought that raising my children in the church would instill them with morality but evidently that didnt work. By presenting himself to the rest of the world as the dominant half of a gay couple my son is commiting one of the greatest sins in the eyes of God. My son is lying.

Terry is the kid who flinches when you toss something to him underhand. His sister used to let him paint her nails because he was so good at it. You expect me to believe that my son, the same son who threw a god damned conniption fit when he couldnt find a scarf to match the shirt he wanted to wear, has the MACHISMO to take a grown man, bend him over and fuck him in the ass? Son, I call bullshit.

I am trying my best to be open minded, but I look at my son and I look at Keith and I just think this is wrong. Keith clearly works out. Keith was on the wrestling team in high school. Keith could drop my son in a fight in five seconds flat. Keith should be the top. My son is a power bottom at best.

When I think about gay sex and I think about the guy fucking the other guy I think man, that guys has gotta be TOUGH. Like REAL tough. Trying to picture that tough guy as my son? Im sorry, that just doesnt work for me.

It just kills me to see that after all this time Terry is still living a lie. It must come from his mothers side of the family. All of the gay men on my side conformed to their given stereotypes, dammit.

The post Opinion: I Accept My Sons Decision to Be Openly Gay. I Just Dont Buy Him as a Top appeared first on The Hard Times.

01:00

Government appoints Minister for National Suicide Prevention NewsBiscuit

Theresa May has announced that some obscure MP who you really dont need to bother looking up is to be its first Minister for National Suicide Prevention. The appointment was revealed to coincide with World Mental Health Day, which everyone agreed was really quite appropriate in a country that is apparently determined to kill itself.

National suicide is a growing problem, said Mrs May. In 2016, no fewer than 17.8 million British people decided they wanted to take their own countrys life. We want to bring an end the stigma that has forced so many people to suffer in silence well all right, not silence. National suicide doesnt just affect the people involved directly, it affects everyone, especially their grandchildren.

According to campaigners, the national suicide problem has grown out of control, particularly among the elderly and others who dont like darkies. Many British people are now irrationally determined to bring the UKs life to an end for no better reason than the colour of a passport they will be unable to afford to use or the chance to eat spam fritters like they would have done in the war, if they had been born ten years earlier.

We are determined to bring the rate of national suicide down, added Mrs May. Thats why I am tasking [insert name here] to head this new department. Plus, with the Brexit dividend we can add to our budget next year, I anticipate being able to offer the Samaritans a further 10 million to continue their why are you all looking at me like that?

Dismissing the announcement as a cheap political stunt, Labours Chuka Umunna said: Its not a Minister for National Suicide Prevention we need, its a proper strategy to tackle Career Suicide. Like the kind we committed when we elected Corbyn leader, for example.

00:48

17 funniest things people said about the royal wedding The Poke

It was probably the least royal royal wedding anyone can remember (although, to be fair, we cant remember too many).

But there had to be something worthwhile about Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank getting married (apart from them being really happy together, obviously). And there was these 17 things that people spotted on their big day.

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00:45

Guitarist Really Hoping to Get Cool New Profile Pic out of Tonights Show The Hard Times

BOSTON Raw Sex guitarist Steve Dyer hopes to land a fucking awesome photo of him playing at a show later this week to potentially serve as his new Facebook profile pic, excited sources confirmed.

As long as the photographer does their job, Im guaranteed at least a few options for Facebook, said the 31-year-old Dyer. Girls dig guitarists, and a shot of me just rocking out will be a great representation of my charismatic nature.

Other members of Raw Sex are reportedly happy for their friend and bandmate if not as overwhelmingly enthusiastic for the opportunity.

He started playing music last year. This is his third show ever, and the first where photos will be taken, said drummer Brandon Vallee. I have, like, eight or nine really cool profile pics of me drumming that I can hang my hat on and some are in venues that look kind of big from the angle they were shot. He doesnt have anything like that, so were really excited for him.

Facebook analytics director Erin Stansberry noted the average Facebook profile pic can garner upward of 20-40 reactions, depending on variables like friend count and time-of-day posted, but offered additional optimism for Dyer.

Once you get past the limits of Facebooks algorithms, it will have a lot to do with angle and venue size, she explained. Hes going to want create the illusion that the band is more important than it is, so he and the photographer should discuss a game plan before a single shot is taken to achieve the maximum amount of likes possible.

Dyer acknowledged he is at the mercy of Facebooks algorithms, but remained hopeful.

I got a haircut for this and slapped on a fresh pack of Ernie Ball power slinkys, he admitted. I dont wanna get cocky, but yeah, I think Im looking at between 70 and 90 likes by this time tomorrow.

When reached for comment, local photographer Litza Hurley, well-known for snapping live photos that would go on to serve as Facebook pics for countless Boston scenesters, responded, That is not why I do this. She declined to comment further.

Photo By Matt Gill @matthewphilipgill.

The post Guitarist Really Hoping to Get Cool New Profile Pic out of Tonights Show appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Friday, 12 October

23:55

LBC listeners reckon this is James OBriens funniest (and scariest) call yet The Poke

LBC listeners reckon this Brexit fan who rang in to speak to James OBrien is the presenters funniest (and scariest) yet.

Basically its him asking How is Brexit going to improve your life? over and over again and the poor chaps struggle to answer it.

Enjoy.

Source

The post LBC listeners reckon this is James OBriens funniest (and scariest) call yet appeared first on The Poke.

22:48

Conor McGregor Suspended For Being A Complete And Utter Twat TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Fresh from his recent stunning defeat at the hands of the Russian, Khabib Nurmagomedov, former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, Conor McGregor, has been suspended from all forms of fighting, for being a complete and utter twat. This inc...

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Friday, 21 September

23:52

She won her college's Miss Green pageant, but some say she's not green enough TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Ixxy Zigou is a 22-year-old spotted woman who is studying journalism at the University of Lodenia. This year, she decided to enter the Miss Green pageant, which is open to all green women. There were a total of eight contestants in the competition...

15:31

Man Spotted Cloud In The Shape of Thomas The Tank Engine TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A man travelling home on a motorcycle near the Cambodian city of Battambang had a shock this afternoon, when he glanced up at the sky and saw a cloud formation which reminded him of his favorite fictional steam locomotive, Thomas the Tank Engine.

12:17

Federal Reserve loses banking license TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Washington D.C. According to YouTube viewer Joe Blow, the Federal Reserve lost its banking license on September 14, 2018. I was watching YouTube, and all of a sudden this Scottish guy started saying the Federal Reserve was DONE. No more licen...

09:29

Gun Blames its Owner for Murder TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

A 9mm Glock used to kill a local man says its owner is to blame for the murder. The guns attorney asserts that guns dont kill people, people kill people. My client may have actually killed this person by ejecting a bullet from its chambers t...

08:34

Judge Kavanaugh Agrees To Marry Accuser And Make Her An Honest Woman TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

BILLINGSGATE POST: Judge Brett Kavanaugh notified attorneys for Christine Blasey Ford that he would agree to marry her if she dropped her charges that he attempted to rape her. Citing his responsibility to make her an honest woman, Judge Kavanaug...

05:57

Stormy Daniels on the Presidents appendage in exclusive interview TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Investigators were able to speak to Ms. Daniels yesterday on revelations that may play a vital role in the upcoming midterm elections. That is,Ms. Daniels has declared there is some abnormality in the Presidents physiology, possibly indicating he...

05:21

Senator Ted Cruz on what to do if you're in your home and find yourself murdered by police TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

In a television interview Sunday, Senator Ted Cruz offered the public some wise advice on how to react when you find yourself murdered in your own home by police.  Speaking about the recent fatal shooting of a black man in Dallas, the Senator astutel...

00:07

Purple Helmet Was Filthy Under The Rim TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

There was a wagging of tongues in the Battambang commune of Tapon this morning when it became apparent to local residents that the purple helmet of one of their number was in a particularly dirty and unhygienic state. The helmet in question, that...

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Thursday, 20 September

22:09

Red Indians to replace rednecks on Pennsylvania Avenue TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

'Alarmed and confused' about developments in their country, indigenous Americans have charged into the White House in Washington and occupied it, effectively putting an end to the Trump administration. Chief Wobbly Clod, a descendant of Crazy Hors...

09:31

Nabisco Agrees to Remove All Crackers From The U.S. Senate! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Nabisco has announced it is fed up with all the loser crackers in the Senate giving their cracker products a bad name. Amongst others, Nabisco has agreed to remove Orin Hatched, Charles Assley, Lindsey Gram, John Cornin, Ted Cruise, Ben Sassy, Jeff...

Wednesday, 19 September

22:53

North Korea And South Korea Declare War TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

The whole world was put on high alert this morning when it was announced that the two Koreas - North Korea and its neighbor in the south, South Korea - have declared war on each other. There had been high hopes of an amicable agreement yesterday w...

17:29

Sesame Street in sexy scandal! TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page

Now we all know the world is going bananas, but the latest news from inside the Sesame Street walls to hit the outside world makes Trump look like an innocent imbecile (which, of course, he is). A sex scandal is enraging adults (are the really?),...

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